When you really go backwards.

May be triggering and language some may find offensive. Please do not share or use any of the following without consent of Echidna Home. (C)

Living with a mental illness such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is so shit at times. I have been moseying along living life in way that has been good. I was out for a day with a friend on Saturday all day and it was really lovely we went to a town further a field. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have to say being with her is quite relaxing as their is nothing like being with someone who really understands what having a mental illness is like. We shared a lot it was really interesting, though at one point she mentioned that she often felt suicidal. This just blew me away, we talked and shared (as we both have had too many people we know and love succeed in suicide. )

Yesterday Sunday (it is a long weekend here in Tasmania). I was just at home and perhaps just switched totally off I am not sure even what I did. Yet I woke feeling good.

I needed to go and get some chook food so drove int Huonville. I did the little bit of shopping I needed too, and stopped for a bite to eat and coffee at one of my faviourite cafes. Sitting in the lane with my dogs, a small disagreement with another dog, sorted and my dogs under the table. His dog near his and all fine. Thy moved the dog and it blocked the access for the staff to bring drinks and food out. One staff member spilled coffee another almost dropped a dish, then the dog jumped up and tried to take food from a plate a staff member was bringing to another table.
These people made no effort to move the dog, they never apologised to the staff. I suggested they move the dog form between the stairs and table, they saw no problem.. I was triggered and ended up just loosing it. I could not believe anyone would put anyone else at such risk to conducting their work. I even said it was a health and saftey issue. They just laughed at me and my escalation telling me I should leave. Of course I responded and it went on..I just could not shut up and fucking was used by me numerous times it seems to go with the course. Then one of these people said in a loud voice that I had obviously missed my medication as I was crazy. Well that was just the final trigger. Mocking mental health! I just kept on at her. I was shaking and crying red in the face.

When they were leaving after a very uncomfortable silence had settled whilst some of them finished their food.

It was ugly and horrible and I feel so ashamed, I lost it completely I was so so disappointed as I have not had anything like this occur in over a year. Sigh. I know I know I have a mental illness. I get triggered and when I am triggered I say fucking a lot. Positive is I will be speaking to my psychologist later on this week.

I feel so ill and so tired from all this. I hate this illness. Not being in control and all the work and effort is so tiring so all consuming. I feel I am growing I know I am moving forward I know all this. Yet an experience like this is just frustrating and now takes so much work to not let my self loathing feelings of shame and disillusionment and all those delights that come after such an episodes.

For me where I am now right now is that I do still have insight, I still know that I am so much better than I have been. I am still moving forward. I know I am improving and this is just a small set back.

It taught me that there are some truly wonderful people out there who when someone with a mental illness is falling a part I had someone who stood bye me and cared. For this I am so very thankful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

8 thoughts on “When you really go backwards.

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  1. You saw something that shouldn’t have been happening, and that was harming other people. Even if the extent of the reaction went farther than you might have liked, you were standing up for something that mattered. And that comment about medication was totally inappropriate, and just one more indicator of their ignorance.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Positive is, you have a psychologist and life you own to yourself and no other, you can make changes as you like…some people are struck with bad choices and people who wont ever understand and are scared to move out because one such situation will be triggering. Try keeping notes in a diary telling yourself to act in a certain way. When you get triggered force yourself to read those one line notes and make yourself aware that you can try to move on and not indulge with them. It worked with me, when I lived alone and I could take better care of myself, mentally.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ashley is right

    You are a very caring person

    I have felt the same way lately

    Friends have said things that have triggered me and I reacted..it is a blur, memory sucks and I lose track of time during these events..

    Well that is childhood abuse

    We lose friends and things trigger us

    Threats seem real aNd things piss us off

    Welcome to ptsd people.

    I do not have answers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your words are all I needed and to know others such as you Marty, we are not alone, and being ourselves or at least myself is all I can be. Triggers and all. I care and know you do too. Answers are only things I can find for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Tazzie, I am slowly returning from a haitus from media so I’m just now seeing this. I want you to know that I applaud you speaking up in that situation. We seem to be on opposite ends of that spectrum. I’m terrified of speaking up, even in the most civil situations. I hope you have moved/are moving past the shame. You did a courageous thing.

    Liked by 1 person

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