Life, with my dogs, living on one acre in Tasmania. Living on a low income, and with Complex PTSD. I write about all sorts of things. I called my Blog Echidna Home because I have echidnas that live here
My first social engagement in a long time was a very enjoyable and at times hilarious creative couple of hours. In Tasmania we have Womens Health Tasmania. A service run by women for women. I imagine most countries have something similar.
Womens Health Tasmania offer you the opportunity to gain new skills and a better understanding of health issues important to you. We offer:
opportunities to participate in activities, workshops and forums;
information on general health issues; and
We also promote the interests of Tasmanian women by working with government and the community sector to provide innovative and cost-effective services. It is not just about breasts and other parts that make us female, it can be any bit of a female body. for more information hit the link below. https://www.womenshealthtas.org.au/events/knit-your-bits
It was on a Sunday afternoon at a lovely new business in Cygnet. Cuckoo. (lovely local creative works being sold for great gift ideas and pure wool for knitting, crotchet, etc. Our group is doing breasts. Another workshop is the pubic area (Tasmania shape..lol) You can most likely imagine the laughter and chat that went along with learning to do a magic circle, cups of tea and cupcakes with breast icing decorations.
Just like in real life our crocheted breasts are varied. No pair are the same and no two of a pair are either.
It is also a wonderful pattern for beanies. Miss Treacle is demonstrating the beanie style with elegance.
As hard as it can be for me to sometimes go to things, this was a wonderful small group and I knew no one. I mention this as my anxiety can kick in and that will come out as me talking too much. Some folk do not realise that this is a symptom and not me being comfortable in these sorts of situations. I am really glad I pushed myself and attended. I did not finish my breast at the group, I get distracted easily. I ended up doing them at home.
It certainly has made me be more creative since. I do tend to forget that being creative and being with small groups is doable for me and with my mental health it does help.
and there are lambs in the paddocks as I drive into town.
And across a road interestingly called Missing Link Rd there are these sheep.
My dog Busby barked at them as I stopped to take the photos. They each have a names the ram; one with glasses is Byron such a clever flock. Willie, Brian, Nettie, Nicole, Fenn. Talk about recycling. These wonderful creative sheep are made out of old gas cylinder bottles. I am so often awed by the creative and artisan people who live call the Huon Valley home. Who are genuinely themselves and do what makes them happy and in the process bring joy and delight to others. Add to this that there are many things in the area that can be viewed with no extra cost than the petrol.
I am thankful to have a car, to have enough money to fill it with petrol. I am thankful for the amazing artisians who make this beautiful valley home adding her or his uniqueness to our valley. I am thankful for the incredible place I l live. For being safe, clean air, and freedom to be myself, say what I think and most of all I am thankful that as I have got older and worked to accept and live with my mental illness/s I can be myself and let go of so many words that have been used and sometimes still are to limit me.
It has been incredibly wet here in Southern Tasmania and today as I sit writing this blog it is drizzling and very humid. Too little has been achieved in the last couple of weeks and the weeds and grass are growing and spreading. Yet when I do pull them out too much soil comes with them. So the weeds and grass grow. All is not lost as the fruit trees and other plants are thriving. I am on the 43.1S latitude, 147. E longitude. Climate is cool temperate though that can vary depending on your individual garden and areas in your garden. The soil type, mine is heavy clay. Over the years my work with no dig gardens along with my partner having planted Acacias which provide wind breaks and nitrogen to the soil. The last couple of years I have been doing a back to Eden for the vegetable growing area and fruit trees. This is because I have been very fortunate to have tree trimmers come out my way and shred the variety of branches on the job. Rather than pay to have to travel to the closest open tip/garbage/rubbish area, they are happy to drop it off at locals homes if you are fortunate enough I have receive two huge truck loads and my hens have been assisting to aerate and and add more nutrients to it, whilst removing some bad bugs and eggs. Of course they will also remove the worms and too. The hens have also spread it about which is not so great for moving.
So a walk around the house area and on my deck follows.
I love having flowers in my garden all year and I seem to have achieved it. I can not think of any time when something is not flowering. It has not happened instantly and is always changing as I move things, plant more. I have native bush areas and will be increasing flowering native plants in and around this. Salvias seem to like my garden and do not seem to be eaten by the wallabies and possums. As I do not want to fence out the native animals I generally have chosen to grow on my deck so I can enjoy them and not the native animals who I love having about the house.
I do fence off plants such as my white daisy plant which I had not realised they would enjoy to nibble on. Rain is forecast for the week ahead which makes it very hard to weed (as the soil is saturated ) I did see some bees about which is one of my fears that all the rain we have been having is inhibiting the bees from pollinating the fruit trees and flowers. My hope is the wind ants and other bugs are doing a great job of pollination. Other wise fruit will be less.
We are not short of bees in Tasmania South. Having many native bees along with honey bees and introduced bumble bees.
Today I spent time planting more seeds and potting up my tomatoes. Seed germination so far has been really good compared to last year. I am working out ways to grow some things in a protected situation in case it is a wet summer. I had some brassicas in the veggie area and someone I think my chooks got in and ate them ARRRGH! I will follow up in a veggie garden update. For me doing anything with the garden is great for my CPTSD even sitting on the deck on this greay drizzling humid day. Listening to the bird songs and calls and raindrops falling on my metal roof. I am thankful for full rain water tanks, for being able to live where I do. I am thankful that I am safe (even with earthquake (Victoria) and tornado in NSW recently. I am thankful no one was seriously injured in either area. blessings to You, Tazzie
These photos were taken with my Apple I phone 7 as I did not take my camera with me…I just forgot…sigh. not unhappy with the photos but I will journey again to use my camera. If you wish to share any just acknowledge I Echidna Home Blog please as photographer.
I decided to take a long drive to my GP appointment recently, (65km trip one way) and on the way not very far from where I live a landowner had leased his land to state forestry. Recently they cleared some of the land. I ventured down the track to wet my curiosity and to my delight all the views above were from the top of the now cleared but reforested mountain/hill.
Views that have been lost for quite a while as the trees matured. I wish I could buy this land and build a small home and cherish it. How incredible to see 360 degree views such as these. So delighted I found this area. Taking a chance that you might get bogged or bottom out your car can be so worth it.
Its been a wee while since I wrote. Here I am again. What has been happening in the mean while? Apart from trips to vet for Busby’s injection and to do my shopping not much. I washed clothes and rewashed them, finally getting them out and hanging them over my stair rails to dry in the heat from wood fire. Yeah!
I have made plans to visit two friends and did not turn up. I have so far it seems won the battle of the mice yeah.
I have made an appointment with my GP, Yeah; to discuss my medication and an appointment with the psychiatrist I had seen once before. This item creates great anxiety in me. So much so I am fluctuating between cancelling the appointment. As I write I feel my throat tighten and my mouth go dry. I attempt to focus on the benefit if an ADHD medication may actually reconnect my brain somehow.
I found myself feeling at home at times in tears as I began to recognise aspects of my own processing and behaviours shared and explained in this channel. After watching and connecting the fear of being diagnosed with ADHD is reduced somewhat. Then I go into what if I am NOT diagnosed with ADHD and I am just lazy and disorganised hopeless and all the words I have heard so often over the course of my life?
So rather than go down the rabbit hole of YouTube and my search engine I decided to get out of the house, yes avoiding the garden, the house and the computer. I loaded up the dogs and we headed off for some lunch.
I had to pick up some chook grains for my hens and roosters (yes roosters oh dear that is also on the I have to deal with soon list), in Huonville.
I decided I would venture to Summer Kitchen in Raneleagh which used to be a small village a little over two KMs from Huonville but now is really a suburb of it.
The photos below see some of my flock saying Where the heck are You going? We are starving! A house on the way, where the newest owners have had enough obviously of past work on the house they purchased. Spring is certainly arriving in my beautiful valley. Last photo is of Hawthorne flowering along the road.
Even though we have not had any outbreaks of Covid here in Tasmania for over a year cafes, shops and businesses remain on COVID Responsiblities requiring signing in or using the Covid App, social distancing etc. A beautiful brunch at Summer Kitchen,https://www.facebook.com/Summer-Kitchen-Bakery-389693084374495/ delicious vegetarian wrap (I am not a vegetarian) with wonderful garlic hummus and fresh vegies…large cappuccino sitting in sunshine with my dogs about me. Near-bye were a group of bicyclists (MAMILS Middle aged men in Lycra a few ladies too) enjoying the sunshine too. My dogs were petted and discussion about them. Several proud doggy dads showed me their furbabies photos a gorgeous Samoy, a labrador, a whippet and poodle. The valley is a cyclists delight. My dogs were the only ones present but as we arrived we passed a couple leaving with their owners. I love that my valley has so many dog friendly places to eat.
After leaving Summer Kitchen Raneleagh we headed basically to the hill behind the Raneleagh showground. On the way we passed the Home Hill Winery, https://www.homehillwines.com.au/ . The first photograph below shows the face area of Mount Beauty. A different view than from my home. This mountain range certainly delineates one end of the Huon Valley. So green yet as I drove up the hill the grasses altered and whilst they look dry the ground under my feet and the dogs paws was very wet. We have had so much rain and wind over the last few weeks. (normal for the time of year).
The last photograph above is from the hill looking back down to the valley over Raneleagh.
The following photographs are the drive back down from the hill top to Raneleagh. When I see the rock along the road I am awed at how trees, shrubs and grasses grow, such tall trees. Hobart is the second driest Captial city in Australia. mM beautiful valley is often on water restrictions in summertime.
In the valley timber homes abound. As Tasmania is known for its State Forests and wood was easy to access for many over brick and other materials.
The photographs below see me driving alongside the Huon River towards Judbury another small village well it is really not a village as it has no shops, post office, pub, being only approximately 13kms/8miles to Huonville. Rain falling ahead, the river valley is green and lush. The third photograph is of the Tassal Nursery for their salmon. They hatch the salmon eggs and grow them until they reach smolt (hatchling fish reach the length/weight/size for the smolt can now move from the fresh water into the sea cages/nets. As I drive further we begin to see the homes of Judbury so many new homes being built in the hillside, and along the river flats. Hard to remember that smoke and fires were all around here only Summer 2018 in the hills.
I have enjoyed the journey so far, it seems that the dogs have too. I really enjoy my own time, and doing my own thing generally, so find this such an enjoyable thing. Thankful for my car, my dogs who make my life and keep me doing things. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful area. blessings to You. Tazzie
I am not depressed I said to my Psychologist in our most recent zoom meeting. Yes I am overwhelmed by my home, and garden my list(which I am not supposed to have but just occurs in my head regardless) grows and add to that dealing with Busby’s knee issue; of which he is doing well on injections, rest and no play or big walks.
I begin things and do not finish them. Well the wind and rain picked up so I could not continue to place the cardboard over the area I had just cleared around fruit trees and did not have the chipped tree/wood barks on top of (my trolley has a damaged wheel so I need to organise a new one or a repair). On my list.
I had to use poison on the mice situation in my home as the traps were not working, I feel bad for the potential damage to wildlife birds that may eat them. I vowed never to use poison again. I am attempting to not beat myself up about that as the abscence of mice is a huge positive.
I am achieving things, I take Busby for his injection each week and I have had both my vaccinations. I am washing clothes and managing most of my routine. What I manage varies each day. Chuckle. be it eat healthy today and bed late versus bed early eat crap.. yet I am OK with this as I am working on improving my routine.
I shared with my Psychologist that I have been considering coming off my medication(Desvenafalaxin). Why? I know it has made a massive difference in my depression. When I have written here that I would be happy to stay on it for ever because of the change it made for me. I know that I have worked so hard dealing with a huge amount of issues that potentially contributed to my having been diagnosed with CPTSD after my breakdown. I feel that I have the tools to manage aspects and note problems in my life/feelings/behaviour that will help me live without the medication.
It is not all it is mostly the fact that I HATE living in my house the way it is!! A house that is a hoarders yet it is a bit better than it was but it is also almost stagnate. I struggle to fill the bin and take it out, but force myself I have added to my routine the putting of the bin out every week. It did not happen this week but I am not beating myself up for that. What I feel is I want my home back, I want it to smell lovely to feel lovely..and not be a place I just sit in amongst the shit, and mess. I described to my Psychologist what I really felt like. It was exactly how it was to discover my car battery was almost flat..I turned the key in the ignition and my engine tried to turn, that harrrumph harrumph..I knew if I applied my foot to the accelerator I might get the engine to turn over. Alas No. Just that Harrumph Harrumph wrrrhhhh than nothing of a flat battery. My engine of my car would not turn. Well that is exactly how I would describe how I am feeling. I really want to do it, and I try but a little while and I just go flat. Or for me it is I get distracted, or take a break..or the weather, anything becomes a blockage in the connection to my battery there bye making my engine stop or not turn over.
The appointment with my Psychologist took a turn, not a pleasant one for me it seems. She feels we have been dealing with and I am moving through and forward with the depression and reactive areas like anger response to where I feel no control or bullied in a situation. That now something I may have had in my life always is coming forward. The possibility of ADHD. Ohhhh what does that mean for me? Having another appointment with my Psychiatrist. My throat dries, and I begin to feel ill, my neck gets itchy and I feel hot. I let my psychologist know this and that I feel distressed because of how horrendous the issues were when I first saw the first psychiatrist at an Organisation Psych2U; they offer zoom meetings for rural and isolated clients in Tasmania. Yet at the same time I feel conflicted because the first Psychiatrist wanted me to take an ADHD medication with my Desvenalfaxine. I was unable to get the script filled at three Chemists in my area. He and I had words and he decided I did not want to see him (which was not true). It left me battle scarred and I had to work and get really upset to have another Psychiatrist see me from the organisation. So hearing this made me feel all the angst and I ended my session with my Psychologist as I could feel myself dissociating. I said I had to go but I must have looked strange. I blanked out for a while but was aware and let myself just be in that place but not to sink to far. I then was able through breathing and grounding bring my self back. I also sent a message to my Pscyhologist to let her know I was OK.
I am fearful of making an appointment with my GP who organises the Psychiatrist appointment and I am fearful because I may have to go on ADHD medication and what if I am not able to get it again? Its been over two weeks since my appointment with my Psychologist and my GPs office rang me but I have not returned their call to book in. It seems a task to hard right now.
I just want to have my battery fullly charged and the energy to begin and finish something not get distracted. I want to reclaim my house and really make it mine. Not Marks or Ours, but mine. I am proud of myself that I have removed boxes of books and old computers to the tip. So much more to remove and that makes me anxious and nauseous. Yet I feel even worse when I think of the appointment with my GP and Then the Psychiatrist.
If anyone who is reading this has any of her or his own experience of CPTSD and being on ADHD medication too please comment. I would really appreciate it.
I am thankful that my Disability pension means I am able to continue to see my Psychologist and be bulked billed to the organisation that provides funding for this part of my NDIS package. I am thankful that my hens are all laying delicious eggs. I am thankful that so far Busbys management plan for his cruciate ligament to be nonsurgical is going so far OK. (even if the vets feel it is perhaps not the right option). I am thankful for a kind friend who has recently offered me some money to pay for the surgery which I have chosen with much consideration reserach and love to not have at this point in time due to previous experience with this surgery on another of my dogs. I am thankful for my roof over my head, my access to mental health support and physical health support for free. I am incredibly thankful I live in such a safe and beautiful area.
I appreciate all of you who read my blog,
blessings to You, Tazzie
NB Please not this is my words, my feelings and my life. If you wish to share any of what I have written please ask me. (c) Echidna Home
I have shared about myself and what my life has been like over the past few months living with CPTSD. It seems to me writing here assists me so much. Seeing my thoughts/activities/feelings in print help me see how far I have come in my life with this illness. Learning to live my life accepting how I move through each day no matter how and what is happening in my life and life around me. I am proud of myself that I keep moving forward no matter how minuscule it may be.
Lets look at what is happening in the garden. Here in the Southern Hemisphere we being our Spring Season very soon; the problem tends to be I along with many others feel the days lengthen and see the weeds growing all the new growth everywhere. I feel the urge to sow seeds. I have to hold myself back and wait wait.. which I have been doing, today I intend to plant a few in pots to germinate in side.
Lets go for a walk around my gardens in the last few days of the yearly Winter season.
I feel like I have done very little during winter, yet when I review the photos I have been doing small things. On top of this each day I walk around and pull weeds out of the paddock area. We have had a very wet few weeks very wet. This has made it more difficult to continue to clear around the fruit trees as the ground is too wet.
The joy of my garden and the hope that I will get seeds in and growing for my own vegetables and food. Rain and colder days are on the agenda for a few more days.
The chooks ahh the chooks sadly I have three roosters, and only five girls. Rupert has been amazing with the chicks but they have all grown up now and I have to attend to reducing the number of roosters, as they will be to much and to mean for the few girls I have. Sadly only one of the female chicks have survived to now. I also lost one of my original hens one of the brown girls. Penny I am not holding out any hope that she is nesting anywhere. My neighbours have also got new hens, and both my neighbour and I have noted that a Sea Eagle has been flying around everyday. This may be part of why my hens have disappeared along with one of the rooster chicks (perhaps not so bad one less for me to attend).
I have been taking my vitamin D as down here we have such low levels of sun over this time of year it is a necessity. It also helps with mood and lessening seasonal affective disorder. (SAD)
It is great to wake up each day, to see how beautiful my garden is looking. I am so thankful to have such a great area to create my space.
I am thankful to those of you who read my posts, blessings to You all. Tazzie
I have been working so hard the last few days to not get bogged down with all that is going on in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for all I have and for where I live. It kind of feels like I am not really a part of the rest of the world.
My valley in the southern part of Tasmania (island state of Australia), in fact the whole state I live in has been incredibly fortunate in regards to Covid and the Delta variety especially. I am halfway vaccinated and will receive my second dose in a few days. It feels inevitable that the Delta strain will reach its tentacles to our island and the valley at some point.
It would be so very easy right now for me to be saying why why why, Busby my large dog has torn his cruciate Ligament, and having had a previous experience with the surgery and recovery of another dog I am reluctant to put him through this surgery. Right now he is basically on house rest, lol lock down I guess. He is not in pain as he is on a once a week for four weeks injection and another medication a syrup that is for inflammation and also helps relax him. Cost is certainly a huge issue, instead I am looking at the success rate of braces for stablising the joint.
My plumbing needs some work in the kitchen and I have still have a leak that needs to re-repaired as the previous repairer made it worse. My stove has stopped working because mice have made a home in it and taken all the insulation out making it too dangerous to use. (rural stoves hot plates and oven all in one are supposed to be sealed to prevent this). The hot plate is usable thankful for that and I purchased an Instant pot/air fryer which has been the best kitchen item I have purchased in years. Especially if you are a family of one or two. Mine is 8 litres (quarts?) which sounds large however it gives me food to freeze or eat over a few days. I love doing a roast in it. It slow cooks and is a pressure cooker, sadly not suitable for doing canning. The window frames need sanding, undercoating and painting. My car needs new tyres and a service. Instead of wallowing or allowing myself to fixate and sink back I am looking instead at being thankful for the fact I have a car that is working, I have a solid roof over my head with a small leak, Busby is happyish (not being able to play with his best friend Toby up the road is really hard for him but he is doing well so I am grateful for that.
Mice have invaded my home, its not unusual in the countryside in winter, but add to that my hoarding issues they are so damn hard to get rid of. I am not going to use any poison as we used to have owls but a couple of years ago my neighbour and I both used poison and sure got rid of the pests but also the owls it seems. I also worry my chooks might eat one mouse that is poisoned. I have captured many in peanut butter baited traps, and I have an electric one that was also baited with peanut butter. The bait had gone but no mouse. I am weirdly grateful in a way, to the best of my ability at present I have been removing stuff out of the house. I took boxes and electronic waste to the tip where the e-waste went in a special bin but the books were sadly found by the mice so they were put in the paper recycling. These were books my partner had and they were second or third hand as he rarely purchased new books. It had taken me 11 years to remove the books from the house. I am so pleased I have accomplished these two things.
It is impossible to describe to anyone who really has not any comprehension or understanding of what being a hoarder is like. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this yet I am moving forward as now instead of fleeing the house, and calling it the house, I am content in my discontent. I have been talking with my psychologist regularly through out the time I was not blogging. I also was not following my routine. This is always a symptom of my discontent.
What I am finding really hard right now is that I am not depressed I know I am not. Yet I feel a bit like when your car battery is going flat. You know when the engine does not turn but tries too and you keep trying to get it too but it does not and you end up flattening the battery completely. I feel like my mind and body connection are in that situation. I keep trying and begin something finishing it or get distracted by something else it remains incomplete.
So now my Psychologist is feeling that I now my depression and even my anxiety are more stable she feels it may be ADHD. She would like my GP to refer me to the Psychiatrist again. When she shared this I dissociated I basically blacked out…which on a zoom call where I am on my own was worrying for her. I was not out for very long I was able to bring myself back and emailed her to let her know. I know why this happened as when I was going for the Disabilty pension the original psychiatrist wanted me to take medication for ADHD (I could not get the script filled so he became frustrated with me and would not see me anymore, I was at the point in my illness to give it a try ). The whole situation with this psychiatrist was horrible he never called me by the right name and would ask me how my job was going. I had not worked for several years at the time I was seeing him. Now I need to see a psychiatrist again. It brings ups emotions however instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed I am saying to myself look at where you are now to where you were then, I am so thankful for that, I am also content with the discontent.
Each day I aim to complete one thing. On top of my routine. For example today I went in the garden for a while and was looking at one of my fruit trees where grass was encroaching. I began to pull the grass out as I did the temperature dropped and I was going to go inside. Instead I completed the task. It did not take long I came inside and had a shower. I made myself a meal and was content even though I sit surrounded by mess.
As hard as it has been to become content with my home/financial/personal issues I am happier. I am achieving things as slowly as it may be and the people who may say just get up and do it/your are just lazy take me back to the beginning of this post. No one who has never experienced mental illness/hoarding will have not understanding or comprehension of the reality of living like this. I DO NOT WANT TOO LIVE LIKE THIS. BUt right now as I improve I am content with my discontent.
I am grateful for not being ill physically, I am for clean air, rain, full rain water tanks. For being able to budget for bigger costs. I am grateful that I continue to move forward no matter how miniscule the distance.
A lot has happened in the time since I have posted anything there are many reasons.
As many of you would know I ceased all contact with my family for my own well being and mental health. I can not in all honesty say that the following was the thing that sent me on a downward spiral. I had been posting prior to this that I had not been traveling well. Out of the blue my brother, the only member of my family who has my permission to contact me in extreme situations. As a person in her mid 50s I saw his name in my missed calls( I do not answer any phone calls only responding to those who leave me a message, or I have been contacted by someone to say they will be contacting me. Even when I have the caller id. I listened to the message requesting me to contact him urgently, and made the connection that one of our parents was seriously ill or had died.
I was wrong, my 38 year old nephew had died unexpectedly in hospital. He had a heart attack. On hearing this and hearing the anguish in my brothers voice. My nephew had been born with issues in regard to his kidneys. We were also aware that his life expectancy may be shortened. He had transplants in his younger years to improve his chances. Even though you know the chances are there denial and hope are the mainstays. He left behind a wife he adored and three incredible sons. Due to Covid on the mainland I was not able to attend his funeral it was wonderful that the funeral company was doing live video streaming so I was able to attend.
I also learnt that one of my neices had had a baby, and he was 16 months old. I had not heard anything my choice.
I could do little for my brother and sister-in-law. I felt outside and began to wonder at my decision to not be in touch with family. Even dealing with this and all the things I am missing out off in my family I sincerely know that for me my life is better as skewed as all the feelings and emotions I dealt with over the next few months.
I have to say I DID NOT go down into the deep pit of blackness. I did resort to comfort eating, Making my own home made Baileys and drinking it all in one night. I did get addicted to a game on line (not a gambling one or spending money on it). I did spend some money on wish…sort of getting a bit of buzz out of winning so many limited items I had no real need of. I gave them to a local organisation to give to others. I was not and still am not super keen to see my psychologist. I do but tend to end the meeting early.
I have been dealing with aspects of my hoarding, a very small amount, I am proud of this. We have had a lot of rain and wind, my house leak is worse and that overwhelms me. I have mice and they have learnt not to go to my mouse traps. I watch them climb up between the lining of my curtains. I occasionally manage to catch them. I am working to get rid of the mess more and found mice nests with babies.
I have begun to realise each time I have a issue in my life, my home that I can not resolve myself I fall. I have not been following my routine at all. I have not been sharing here.
My aim is to reconnect to my blog and the community here. I am thankful to be able to see these things that trigger me, I am thankful for having the ability to share here, I am thankful for the rain as so many areas are in need. I am thankful for all I have my home, plenty of fire wood, a roof over my head, food for me and the dogs, clean water, plenty of warm clothes, and a wonderful community I live in.
My colonoscopy went really well, all clear 3 lovely photos of my colonoscopy and feedback that the preparation was excellent. Nothing at all found. So very good news.
Yet I have not been not doing very well in my mental health. In fact it has been a dive.
I have not wanted to post here and it has been really hard to begin again. As my aim is to be truthful about my life with my mental illness Complex post traumatic stress disorder. The plot has been totally lost and I am not depressed as such. Or am I? That is what is so confusing to me.
It does seem so strange to feel this way after good news of a very healthy colon.
My anxiety before hand was worse than I realised, so much in hindsight I made plans talking to a friend about what would be best for my dogs. She would take them.. extreme.
I am realising that I kind of wanted to die. WOAH. Now I have to reassure you all I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. Yet this is the only thing that makes any sense to me. When I acknowledged this I began to cry. Not just cry but felt so lost and realised I just wanted to be with my partner. Who died almost 11 years ago. My stomach dropped and I felt really nauseous when this was going on. It was several days after the colonoscopy. So not related to the procedure or the very light anesthetic.
I am now realising (I perhaps should have contacted my psychologist because I have hit a very extreme place and my hope in sharing this as often happens when I write my posts help me see and and work through the situation and emotions.
The Autumn weather has been brilliant, hot and blue skies/ That is up until the last two days with snow down to 700meters/2296 ft. lots of heavy rain my tanks are overflowing again. I only mention this as some might feel vitamin D may be an issue.
What I have realised, is that without my brother and sister-in-law who for reasons I am now longer in touch with for my wellbeing, being at the end of the phone, there is no one who I can be comforted and just loved supported bye who I trust totally. My partner was that person and this is really the first medical thing with potential of serious consequences I have faced since my breakdown and issues related to my mental illness.
I miss my partner, every day, and very rarely talk about him. Even with my psychologist I have only mentioned him in very general passing. However the time may be needed at our next appointment.
All I know is I have been drinking alcohol more than I really have in many many years. A lot for me and the fact how I drink it is perhaps even more a symptom. I am making home made baileys. So easy to drink and I have been through almost two bottles of scotch. It also requires a lot of condensed milk and cream..so whilst delicious, and very easy to drink. When my partner died I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain and loss. I am usually incredibly conscientious of alcohol as we have alcoholism in our family both maternal grandparents, and my father is too though he would say he isn’t (2 bottles of wine for 2 people each night along with one or two whisky’s). I also have bought a few small alcohol mixed bottles these have not all gone, still have 3 left out of 8. I have not been buying anything much in the way of other sweet products.
I have not been eating well and I have become addicted to shopping online and playing computer games. Showering and cooking gone out of the window, my dogs normal diet has gone, they are still getting exercise I am getting very little. At least most of the shopping is where I fail to purchase things on line with wish and my money gets refunded.
The house strange I am taking the odd thing out still. It is not My garden I left the gate open one night and the wallabies dined on lovely tomatoes and all my greens. I am thankful they did not get my pumpkins but they have damaged other plants.
So basically my desire to die was really my desire for comfort by the person I loved most in my life.
I am so thankful for the ability to have medical checks that can alert us to potential problems. I am incredibly thankful for the results of my procedure. I am especially thankful that I wake up each day. Even on those that are not my best ones.