No such thing as a simple life on my one acre in Tasmania with my two dogs.I try to grow food, wrangle chickens and the native and non native wildlife share the land I call home. Life with CPTSD and ADHD not been easy so I share about it all. Low income, a bit frugal, real life My Life.
The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.
Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind). I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.
I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.
My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf? It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them! The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!
Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.
I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.
My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air. My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things. It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.
When your live is the southern most state of Australia Tasmania, (island State) and your home is in the southern most council region of that state and the latitude is -43’01, and that island is in the Roaring Forties. “During the Age of Sail (circa 15th to 19th centuries), these strong prevailing winds propelled ships across the Pacific, often at breakneck speed. Nevertheless, sailing west into heavy seas and strong headwinds could take weeks, especially around Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America, making it one of the most treacherous sailing passages in the world.” https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/roaring-forties.html
The Ocean Chief Samuel Walters (British, 1811-1882) The Black Ball Line clipper ship Ocean Chief reducing sail on her Australian run. Australian Maritime Board
The Roaring Forties in the Northern Hemisphere don’t pack the same punch that they do in the Southern Hemisphere. This is because the large land masses of North America, Europe, and Asia obstruct the airstream, whereas, in the southern hemisphere, there is less land to break the wind in South America, Australia, and New Zealand. https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/roaring-forties.html
Living here for over two decades I used to see that the winds would pick up generally for a week or so before and after the equinoxes, and solstices. Equinox occur in Spring and Autumn, it is where the day is equally 12 hours of sun and 12 hours of dark. The solstice dates this year for the Southern Hemisphere Autumn was 21st March 8.24am. Spring will be 23rd Sept 16:49. For those in the Northern Hemisphere the dates are the same but opposite seasons. The solstice for me Winter June 22, 2023, 12:57 AM, and Summer will be December 22, 2023, 2:27 PM. Again for Northern hemisphere same dates opposite seasons. https://greenwichmeantime.com/longest-day/equinox-solstice-2021-2030/ So on the evening of the last day of Winter my dogs and I listened to the wind howling through the trees, and I had to draw the curtains as Busby was very anxious. I on the other hand was marveling at how far my Blackwood and Eucalyptus trees could bend and sway without breaking. For which I am very thankful. We also had heavy rains and in two days my water tanks have gone from being 3/4 empty to overflowing and the one I accidentally almost emptied is nearly full. With predictions by our Bureau of Metorology but called the BOM of a dry summer it is always good to have full or almost full rain water tanks throughout winter and more so at the beginning of summer.
I swear a moat was forming about part of my home. I could not see across the river let alone to the mountains to see if snow was covering their tops. Kunyani (Mt Wellington) in Hobart did have alight dusting of snow.
My day was spent basically as normal, though neither Miss Treacle or Busby were too keen to go for a run in the gale winds, with cold rain temp was -1dC/30dF and only went half way. Returning home to eat and spend the rest of the day by on the sofa, enjoying the warmth of the wood heater. I did feel for my chooks who were looking rather bedraggled, who spent the majority of their day under the house.
I however found myself sorting and folding the clothes and linen that had been laying on the stairs and on the top of my drawers and floor to be honest of my bedroom, away. I then put a mountain of books or maybe several mountains that had been about my bed into a bookshelf. I picked up the electrical fan I had failed to put together before summer and obviously had not achieved over summer and placed all the pieces in the corner, along with the summer window covers I use to keep the room cool in the summer heat I vacuumed all the cobwebs and dead insects of the ceiling, along with doing the carpet. WHAT? Who am I? I am in awe of how my brain is changing on the medication I am on for ADHD. There was no thought, I had taken a few clothes that had been on the drying rack and were now dry up stairs, and well just began. Is this how people who do not have ADHD manage? I mean it took me about 3 hours to do it all such a seemingly small amount of time. For stuff that I have not done in months yes months.
My dogs had stayed down stairs the whole time, and I guess I had missed meal time which is 14:00hrs, I have not a clue what time it was when I went upstairs. I was rather shocked when it turned out it was almost 16:30 and my poor starving abandoned dogs were so relieved that they had not been forgotten.
I too was a bit hungry so made some food. I then went and bought wood inside to dry for tomorrow and stack some more in the covered wood area. I guess there is now 4.85tonnes left to move.
As the sun set the temperature dropped drastically a chilly blast seemed to fill the house. I put more wood on the fire and opened it as it had burnt down low whilst I was up stairs. I and my wonderful dogs then settled on the couch for the evening. All with full tummies, and a sense of contentment and peace. My home has not suffered any damage in the storm and gale force winds that have come early it seems this year. My garden and chook shed also have been undamaged. Very thankful for that. I know how much my heating will cost me, and I have paid for it in full. My thoughts turn to so many Australians who will be concerned over their heating costs, to those who have no home, or will not be able to afford to run their heaters all winter. I have seen how hard it was for many people in UK, Europe and USA many in much colder climates than where I am through there winter.
I just completed a post and had hit publish and then every thing froze. I logged back in and it had gone. Sigh. So its been a good day. One week today on my ADHD medications. Yes there have been changes and I am so happy I decided to give it a go. I am following up on financial things. Outstanding financial things. Tolls from when I was on the mainland. Majority paid but issues with what has been happening since my last phone call. Under control, check. Paying outstanding invoices due to my inability to do what I needed to having gone from managed by and organisation under National Disability Insurance Scheme, to self managing. Almost completed, and I am following up daily to see where its at so I can finalise this. Brilliant just brilliant.
I soaked my broad beans (fava) in water last night, I also had found some garlic cloves that were rooting and shooting. I decided as it was a warm day , and the sun poked through the clouds to go into my veggie garden and plant them. I planted both in several areas of the garden. (not labeling of course where I planted them). As I did this I had to add some old manure to some of the areas, and then I began to weed. I really love weeding. Which is fortunate as there is a lot of weeds. As I was weeding I noticed some brassica seedlings I had left in the old wheelbarrow. Heck they were still alive. They looked sort of healthy if a bit like um mini larger plants. What to do. Oh lets just plant them. So I did. Nothing to loose really. There is space in the beds, it will be interesting to see what happens. Oh a winter experiment lovely!
Hearing my sort of feathered flock of chooks(chickens). They have been molting. I realised that it was their dinner time, along with how dirty I was, thirsty, and then how starving my dogs must be. Busby had joined me outside but I now realised that he had vanished quite a while ago. It turned out 4 hours had passed talk about hyper focused! So chooks fed, check. Me watered, check. Me showered, check, Dirty clothes into washing machine to soak, other clothes added, and turned on. Check Dogs fed, check. Dogs cuddled, check. Me fed check. Sat for a while and watched some stuff. As one does I needed the loo(toilet). I went upstairs, for some reason loading myself up with a bundle of clothes and linen that had made home on the stairs.{(yes a huge trip hazard..Im a hoader its life). though a work in process of changing that title}. The stairs were not bare of cloth, at this point, I hasten to add. Yet without a thought I picked up a bundle of cloth, and took it up to my room. Yes it was dumped on the floor! No where else to put it as I needed the loo right then. So the clothes and linens are accumulating on the floor of my bedroom instead of the stairs. No clothes are creating a trip hazard on the stairs, as I type. All have made their way up to the bedroom floor. It is progress in my world/life. It gets even more mysterious, and baffling. As I did what one does in the loo. I looked and began to pick up items and put them in the draw. On completing the original task the one that can not be ignored for too long ever, washing my hands noticing how filthy the sink and window area is. A chux(cleaning cloth) and cleaner is located, the sink is cleaned, the window sill is dusted, washed, and the light shade, the top of the loo, then looking down the loo is horrible, so that is hit with something to soak for a bit. Then I stack loo paper, return things to the drawers, pick up rubbish of the floor and empty the bin. I pick up clothes that I have left laying in the toilet room. (it is not a big room I have to admit). I did not clean the floor at this point. The rubbish and the clothes both made it downstairs. Clothes into the washing machine with others and washed as per above. rubbish into garbage bin outside! Who is this woman? No plan, no list. No thought even. not even a lot of effort just done. Its not finished I hear you, but for me this is massive. These little things are so monumental, and they are how I know that my brain has changed because of the medication. I still feel like me, which I was very anxious and scared of. I think my brain is still active, and my humour is more present, not saying medication is responsible for that, but a combination of things. I am able to not get sucked into the facebook or so far the impulse shopping on line behaviour I have in more recent times. I did go onto online sight to shop but put things in cart and well turned the computer off, and whether this is a one off or a change it is early days. Weirdly not sure if having someone come to quote for fencing is impulse shopping or not. I am not as tired in the afternoons as I had been at first. Though I am sleeping 10 hours lucky me, and it is very heavy sleep. I have weird dreams. I’m not missing coffee like I thought I would. When I forgot that caffeine is not reccomended with my medication and had a large coffee on top of a largish one at home(instant), at a cafe and I had such a rapid heart rate, scared me. One thing I am noticing is I seem to get hot flushes(well feeling of being overheated and sweaty), similar to my experience during menopause not sure if this is the medication or something else. I see my GP next week so will check up with her. So much to be thankful about and so much to be appreciative of in my life. I know I am very fortunate, and to live here in Australia and get my medication on our Government scheme ($7.30AUS concession card holder) but if I was not it would be $30 I believe. So not sure how that compares to other countries.
My body and brain seem to be settling into some sort of new normal on my medication. How is it. I am pleasantly happy with what appears to be altering. As mentioned in my last post I paid (well attempted ) to pay some invoices. I am on a disability pension due too my mental illness I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD). I was finally assessed after having a breakdown about 7 years ago (interestingly I was menopausal and I believe many symptoms could also have been tied into undiagnosed ADHD, At the time I was very depressed and suicidal (NOT normal symptoms of ADHD! I was put on antidepressant medication and I am so thankful that I was, and even though it took trying several types, yes enduring the whole wait and see, or get me off this medication NOW process of each new medication. I was so unwell I kept trying and again I am so glad I did. It was for me a life saver. Along with my GP and my wonderful psychologist and me, the medications enabled me to move through my depression, (took 5 years so please NOT an INSTANT fix. Eventually I began to feel that the antidepressant was inhibiting me from moving forward and my emotions whilst improved were still somewhat dulled for me. The choice to come off for me, was great and life moved forward.
I began to have some notable changes happening in my life after coming off the antidepressant and learning to feel all emotions and live with all emotions. Learning to identify and observe what happened prior too when I had an angry or sad out burst. See if I could begin to tie in the emotions feeling to the situation and then over the course of years begin to learn and understand that whilst my behaviours and responses may not be seen as appropriate, they were the only management tools I had.
I also began to understand all the large blank periods in my life. I have massive memory black holes and dissociate (can still happen if overwhelmed) but happens so much less now. What I learned was that these black holes and when I dissociate are my childhood brains way to deal with things too awful/hard/painful/distressing/overwhelming and this is what saved me from all sorts of fates. It is perhaps what saved me and my brain to be able to function and get some good grades and evenutally a wonderful qualified work position. All the what if’s I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my early childhood the signs were certainly present form an early age in hindsight. I believe the abuse and beatings I got were mostly due to the behaviour of having a neurodivergent brain in a family with divergent brains. Of course there are always the what ifs.
For me at my age it has no bearing on my life today. I know though I am a very fortunate female of the 60s who was educated well. Who was never unemployed and went to Uni and financially am very fortunate. My family were not well off in my early years, but education was always the priority and being able to fit into any group of people. (I’m not sure but life is so much less formal than when I was a child. which was not helpful to a girl with undiagnosed ADHD). My childhood and disregard for social status and hierarchy, patriarchy, gender roles and other social norms that thankfully are less accepted by our society today.
I have never been a neat, tidy person or my home but generally when it all got to much I used to be able to just get into a zone and sort, clean and make it all look wonderful Even if it took 4 days, the food tins sorted into same, then alphabetised, labels all facing out, CDs and books all alphabetised and clothes colour blocking. I would look about and feel so good. I also recall inviting people over for a meal so I would tend to things before they became worse in my 20’s and 30s’.
I have always had a impulsive nature. Getting myself into some serious debt and dealing with the consequences was a help in a lot of ways with learning not to be so impulsive with my spending. Well at least to only be impulsive once rent, bills and some savings are put away. I also met someone in my late 30’s who was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years when he was diagnosed with cancer and cared for by me at home until he died in our home with his daughters present and the animals. (13 years ago now). He was like my control…not in that he controlled me or my money or anything like that. Like he loved me unconditionally, he encouraged and helped, about he house, he was also not tidy but not messy and so I guess I followed his lead. We washed up once a day, and things were put away. Washing was done regularly hung out and put away. Personal care regular and routine. Diet I loved cooking for him and family and visitors.
Why am I mentioning all this stuff? When my psychologist began to talk to me about their belief (assessment) that I had ADHD, and that my depression: at the time I was so ill was not necessarily anything to do with ADHD but a part of living with undiagnosed ADHD along with grief and having CPTSD she and my GP were working with me to get me through the critical stage of my mental illness you know helping to save my life. That ADHD was left on the back burner. It was only perhaps 18months ago (and yes I have issues with how long ago things were), that ADHD was bought up, and interestingly enough I had been watching a Youtuber: How to ADHD. https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD
I was finding so many things that rang bells for me in so many of her videos. So when my Psychologist bought it up again and I was well enough to be receptive, it was not such a WHAT moment but a yep moment. Nothing happened immediately as be it with my anxiety, my disorganisation, finances, fears, impossibility of getting a Psychiatrist appointment within 9months, it took me time to finally to be assessed. Even when I made an appointment (and was going to pay $600) it was not that simple, first the Psychiatrist was ill with COVID, then I was on the mainland (I live on the island State of Australia Tasmania) and could not find somewhere to have a zoom meeting, as I was driving back to catch the ferry home on the day my first rescheduled appointment was on. Thankfully the the Psychiatrist rescheduled for the week after I returned home.
Of course I was anxious about the assessment I mean what if I do NOT have ADHD?? Shit what would that mean? So of course once assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, the relief overwhelmed me, and the joy yep seriously I felt joy and happiness, that there was a reason why all my life…everything was as it was! I am so glad I did it, and right now even happier that I am on medication sure its not been a week yet and some days its been weird, it seems to doing something.
Today I know that the medication is doing something to my brain that is so magical. Not only did I attempt to pay some invoices on Friday and they were rejected because I had not advised the NDIS of my bank account details for the money to be transferred from being managed by a business to me managing my own payments, which meant of course the invoices were rejected BUT did I emotionally break, did I just go fuck it…put it in the too hard basket or just go dissociate? No I placed a note in my diary on my phone with an reminder to contact the person I needed to.
So this morning after doing the daily morning things I have in my diary, I rang the person, asked what I needed to do..give my bank account details..me worrying about having NDIS money go in with my own money said I would need to speak to my bank about fees and costs if I opened another account with them. OK person I am talking to says all I need to do is send them an email with the information she requested and that would be it and it all should be done in a couple of days. Me gets off that call, and immediately calls my banks and is informed that I can have an account with no card access (yeah) with no fees or costs. I just have to go in and sign for it. I get off the phone and go into town and open this new account. I have a tumeric latte(trying to not have coffee is not as hard as I thought), went and got some items I wanted at the local supermarket (to make granola bars) and returned home, and immediately sent the email with the information.
PHEW!!
I will put up with feeling tired very weary every evening for this! 4 months of overdue invoices so close to being paid. So many people who have non neurodivergent brains will if they read this far(lol), would be like seriously what a lot of malarkey, it is so simple to do this no big deal no need to write a blog about it nor to feel JOY and HAPPINESS because you almost can pay some invoices seriously Tazzie! Not even going to respond to them, as the important people now, that there is real joy and happiness in such a seemingly small thing for a neurodivergent brain. I am smiling as I type. As it is truly a beautiful thing.
I add to this joyful post, that I even with little thought sat and began to do some tidying(can someone please explain to me why more mess is made when you tidy? I also instead of just moving things to piles of like with like, actually used some of the boxes(hoard waiting to go outside), to put these things in for example the flower bulbs that have been laying about the area I sit, thankfully not trodden on, are all now in a box which when it is a bit less rainy will be planted.
Same for all the knitting and crochet projects, working on one in its own box, twisted and somehow all caught together balls in another to be separated and sorted then to be put with its own pattern. All the pens, pencils and other art items that were littering the area, are now in a box. Where they can be on a shelf and at some time perhaps sorted. No pressure.
I also stacked the wood I had just dropped at the fire side, into a pile and put the kindling and papers in boxes to the side. Giving space to walk without risk of stubbing a toe. Bliss. Again, small small things, in my world big time stuff. I did not have this on my plan to day, (well the kitchen was but that is a room with a lot of history for me to deal with in my CPTSD brain area).
Actually I am OK with what I achieved in the kitchen today. I was given a wonderful gift of freshly caught tuna! Red tuna, I was so touched by the generosity as the person who gave it too me had been gifted some and gave me some of his Gift! So I seared this beautiful Tuna on both sides and had it with some vegies (I had vegie and no salad) and man was that a delicious meal. No the washing up has not been undertaken, sorry.
My medication IS working. I am still uncertain if other areas of my me brain are impacted. I had a crazy dream last night but that was most likely the vast number of crackers and Japanese sweets(highly processed and high sugar) I ate last night before going to bed. Even so I slept heavily and long again.
If anyone is reading this who also has/is on slow release ADHD medication and began at 10mg can you let me know how moving to the next level helped or impacted you, I would appreciate it.
So again I am so thankful for the change that has enabled me to be able to focus on one task over three days, and complete it as far as I can!
Hmmm slept so heavily last night, 13 hours, but woke and felt good. My brain was not running at warp speed when I rose and headed down stairs. I made my coffee, and some crumpets with peanut butter and honey on them. The dogs were fed and exercised. Then I knew I had to basically do over yesterday. y.
Loaded up my guys, getting them in their harnesses. (this always means some wonderful adventure when we go out in the car). So they were both bouncing happily. I drove and planed what to do. I had to pick up the bag I had left at the cafe yesterday and well I parked the car, crossed the street and my intent was to just pick up the bag. Then impulsively I ordered a mug of coffee and a wee jelly cake. I enjoyed the cake and should have left some of the coffee. I enjoyed about half of it. I did not leave any. When I left I had to go and get some items across the road. Only to find that the shop was not open on this Saturday morning. Ah well. Then I felt my heart racing a bit. Was I annoyed?
I returned to the car, and drove to the local animal/rural supply store. Got my dogs out, and walked them up the road (they are allowed in the store). A wee and sniff, then I heard someone call my name and how lovely some friends were there getting some timber fence poles and a gate. We chatted had a laugh the dogs got cuddles, we said bye and into the store we headed. I had to pick up the meat for them that I was too early for yesterday(the whole reason I had come to the larger town further from my home).
I love that I can take the dogs inside, they love it. As all the bags of dog and cat food are laying on pallets, and the smell of chook food, and rabbit food, and all the other dogs that visit is exciting and tires them out. They get weighed when we visit, to keep an eye on them both as they get older. I purchased my meat, and the dogs got their treats, Another reason why they love visiting. Then we headed back in the direction we had come from.
Instead of going home, I impulsively went to the smaller town closer to home. Unloaded the dogs and walked up the main street. I have no idea why I decided to do this, I needed nothing and I did not buy anything. We just walked up the main street. We did run into our neighbours who are working on a building they have purchased for a business in town. A short walk and chat with them and then back in the car and home.
I have to say it was good to get home. I stacked some wood. Leaving only about 4.75 tons to complete, filled the wood box and came inside. I was pleased I completed that task and getting the stuff from town. I then sat down to attend to some bills that I get funded for and have taken over the self management of. Rather than someone else being paid to do it. I have not been able to get into it, but this afternoon I just sat at my computer and read the information that I had been oblivious had been sent to me. Logged into the area I needed to be and began to pay some outstanding invoices. It was actually for me today simple. Not so good when the invoices were rejected.
Turns out you have to have the money in an account to do it this way, and well I have not had the money transferred to me, at this point in time. So I have popped that I need to contact the office on Monday to have this organised. I just probably also need to chat to my bank to see how much it will cost if I have another bank account. I am not overwhelmed, or anxious, frustrated or feeling anyway negative. I am proud that I worked it out did it and have planned the next step in ensuring I can pay my invoices. That I feel is the medication at work. I was able to focus totally; on something I have been procrastinating and anxious about for over 5months. Sure its not finished, but that is now on the plan and I will be alerted on Monday to remind me to contact the office.
I may not have planted the broad beans, or began the kitchen. I did cook myself from scratch a really healthy delicious meal for my dinner, even going out to pick some herbs and make the mushroom sauce from scratch for over the chicken. I have some left over for pasta later in the week, and the vegies that are left over will be lovely added to some mince for a savoury mince dish. Wow. I am pretty sure that is the work of the medication. I have not cooked anything involving herbs from my garden and making a sauce from scratch(even though it was pretty simple) for way too long. I like the feeling.
So I have not created a huge list each day, I have been achieving at least one or two things of my list on top of the regulars, like dogs exercise(which I am aiming to be me walking with them instead of me driving and they run). Along with preparing the soaked portion of their food the night before. Tick tick, garbage bin is a weekly occurrence in and out. Along with bed at such and such a time is the aim. Read for a while and light out. That is my basic daily /weekly list. I have transferred the kitchen and broad beans to tomorrow. Actually I have reminded myself I want to soak the beans over night and then sow them. a task for tonight. So far the structure is sort of working. I am realising that why I perhaps stayed as a RN for so many years was that there is a structure to your shift. No matter where I worked, be it in community, in mental health, rehab, ICU emergency, there was a process to every thing we have to attend to in caring for the people we do.
I have worked in offices, and well I managed but my desk was messy and disorganised to the others eyes, and generally I could find what was required. I was never terminated from an office job, or a sales position. I was even promoted, but I never wanted or aimed to be a managerial level even in nursing. I was in charge of aged care facilities on night shifts when I worked, but it was not quite the same as being in charge during a day shift, as no other interactions ie with doctors physios, admin, family, and rarely phone calls to deal with. I feel for most of my working career when I began to feel as if I could not manage I would find a new job and then resign. I once tried to be the President of a community organisation, and well my brain was not designed for that I felt as if I was pushed under the bus, and way out of my depth, as if there is a whole secret way and code of how to do that sort of thing, and I was not in the group who knew! not an odd feeling for me throughout my life I have to say.
Oops I have sort of gone off on a tangent there, but being able to do the task online, and fill the required documents in and complete them along with send them. Even though they were rejected was a Massive achievement for me today and well it does all kind of tie in. In just how not knowing I had ADHD for ALL my working life and all my life and somehow managed. But to know why I struggled and why I knew I could NOT ever really be a manager or Nurse in Charge full time, not because I was hopeless but because my brain is not wired that way is great news. I am not sure how my life in my work situation may have been different is I was diagnosed and that is where I see absolutely NO purpose in even pondering it.
When I was attempting to undertake this paying the invoices before just the trying was exhausting and cause me so much anxiety and frustration at my incompetence in not being able to take the information in, or find what I needed too. Weirdly all the information was at my fingertips, and in my emails. My brain is an amazing thing. If this is how the medication may help me I am quietly hopeful, still frightened that something may be lost that made me me, and I like the me before I began this medication. It has been a positive day and I am thankful.
blessings to You Tazzie.
Please not all the information is shared here, is my personal experience/opinion/feelings. Please do not share any information/content without my consent thank You.
Waking this morning to a warm autumn morning sunshine with grey clouds intermittently. 19dC forcast maximum. I rise as normal, see the cube shaped white medication bottle sitting on the shelf. As fearful as I am about taking medication that will impact my brain, with hope yet also the opposite. I unscrew the child proof cap, remove the safety foil and see the small slow release capsules inside. What do these wee capsules hold for me. I take one as per directed and now I wait. Well no not really I go downstairs, make a coffee and breakfast, take the dogs out and for a run. Chat to my neighbours, noting I am speaking quite rapidly, (two hours into the day) and uncertain if this is normal for me.
I phone a family member, and they impart I seem to be manic in my conversation. I had a small feeling of my hand I was writing some notes with early in the morning getting a wee tingling numb..just for a few moments. I called in to a friends up the road, I drove up, my head is feeling heavy. I note again my conversation is full on…but I am not hogging the conversation. It is about midday when I return home and reversing my car into my drive I knocked over a timber post and reversed into the woodpile. Totally not paying any attention to anything. Yes I definitely should NOT be driving and will not be for the next day or two. Very happy to have not damaged my car or anyone else/s property.
I have not achieved anything really today to demonstrate any rapid change in focus. Though I have hung the washing that was in my machine for two days out, and bought majority of it in as it dries. It is now 15:00 my overwhelming feeling right now is weariness and a heavy head. just wanting to close my eyes and sleep. I had planned to deal with some financial issues I need to as I now manage my funds myself on my pension. This is not potentially happening, and right now I wonder to I just lay down and go with the weariness or try to move through it. Interestingly I am finding that my words are coming relatively easily but I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I was expecting nothing really and just paying attention to what feelings/sensations ect occured. I have eaten twice today, so far not massive and both times sandwiches banana and peanut butter, then ham tomato lettuce and mayo..though i followed that with too many savoury biscuits dipped in a chocolate cream sauce I made. (WTF)! It was very tasty and I enjoyed it. Im struggling to think what I have drunk so far, and know I Have had two large cups of coffee white, (normal) and one large cup of tea with sugar. At least one cup of water but now I need to get up and have more water. Consequence of the savoury chocolate biscuits or lack of water or indeed the medication? Sigh too many possibilities.
So the end of the day well actually logically the next morning as I have to document it all down up to the going to bed. which I did at the time I have in my alerts. Over the years since I stopped working and began to understand my CPTSD and health physical and mental needs I realised the best time for me to be able to function at a level where my dogs, chooks and most of the time personal needs were met. Bugger the house and my go to place the garden was hit or miss so often.
Not to have damaged my newly bought (old second hand) vehicle was such a positive and fixing the damage well is relatively simple. (as the rain we have been having has made the soil very wet; which in turn is the very real reason why my treasured vehicle was not damaged. Phew.
Tonight I am living in hope of what might be. Tomorrow morning after I take my first slow release tablet for my ADHD. I try to convince myself I am not dreaming of miracles, and in a few days, I will just be able to do what so many non ADHD folk take for granted. That phenomenon of just being able to keep on top of caring for a home and life. Yet for the first time ever in my life I am scared to take this medication. The fears of what IT may do to my brain, and thus me. I make the choice to not go down that particular rabbit hole of angst tonight.
In the assessment with the Psychiatrist for ADHD as I recalled so much of how I was a child, teenager, and young adult. Constant in my head comments and feedback of ..”if she concentrated more she would do so much better” (from teachers whose classes I did not enjoy), or , stopped chatting/misbehaving she would do even better (from the teachers whose classes I did really well in). I recall my German teacher sending me to the Headmasters office for my disrupting the class, and being made to sit outside the Head Masters office…because the Head Master, said he was struggling with me as I was first in the year (not just my class) and he was at a total loss. Back then in the late 70’s girls did not have ADHD so it was not even considered.
I recall in my high school being told in my economics class by a very patient teacher to go and stand outside the class room by the fire hydrant(which hung on the wall). Me being me had been making the class laugh and was disruptive… I stood by the fire hydrant on the wall, then discovered something. The class was chuckling as the teacher was writing on the blackboard with his back to them. He turned to see what the class was laughing at, followed their eyes and saw me…standing at the door of the classroom with the fire hydrant in my arms. I imagine I had a pretty smart alec look on my face. This poor teacher could do nothing and ended up laughing and telling me to put it back and to come back in and TRY to just settle down!.
Memories from my early years, with parents, being told I did not listen, that I did not pay attention. To clean up my messy room and getting into serious trouble for Not doing it.
Uni at 30 and my assignments generally left to the night before to be written up. Comments always if I had someone proofread for spelling and punctuation etc, I would have got better grades, (having gained a Distinction), you could also tell really easily which subjects I enjoyed or not.
I had many jobs and my final career as a Registered Nurse lasted for over 20 years and perhaps the fact there was some structure to being a RN, routines of patient care, medications, charts to keep a record and notes…kept me able to maintain this position especially when I stopped being in management level (which I honestly can say I am really surprised I managed to do without causing major issues). I recall when managing an aged care facility I knew I was really close to failing..things were beginning to not be working so well as changes from new owners came in. I went back to being a ward nurse and the relief I felt was massive.
I have always struggled to connect with people, somehow feeling that I just never had the key to unlock that world. I have friends, but at times it has been so hard to maintain the friendship, and over the years as I have moved many times, and as often happens friendships do not always follow, at least that has been my experience.
I am not a naturally neat person in appearance and never have been. Even as a child I was critisiced for not doing my hair..(baby fine and impossible to keep smooth) by a parent. My family was all about appearances and well I was basically always a mess, no matter how much effort I put into it. Even as a teenager, a nurse I was never well put together. I just never had the ability to look correct. I had the right uniforms, and always began clean and neat..but ..laughing. Now Well I accept it along with the bonus of where I live and my lifestyle..I fit in and very few people care about how you look or what you are wearing, a joy! I am clean but end up with stuff somehow adhering to me.
I struggled at times with bills and accounts. These days I am fine and pay them as I get them fully (I am very fortunate I can) and sometimes will pay more if I have excess such as for electricity. (actually that is the only bill I get that is quarterly). I know how fortunate I am to own my home outright and have no debts. Particularly in these scary times for so many. Australian me included are feeling the costs of food inflation, we have massive rent increases and interest rates increasing for mortgages and loans.
I feel my poor brain is wound up tonight all over the place, combined with anxieties in regard to the beginning of this new medication tomorrow morning. Even just typing that my mouth went very dry. Am I holding out so much for some miracle and what might happen if it does not? Is this how everyone as an adult who begins ADHD medication feels?
I want to document the process and impact/effects of the meds, as so often it can be so difficult at times to know or see for yourself where you have come from to where you are in a week/month year, or if you have to go off them.
It took me ages to find the anti-depressant that helped me through it was horrendous trialing several meds but wow, when I finally found the one right for me, and moved through the first 8weeks I am eternally grateful to have had it. Very happy to not need it now.
So I am two minds I’m tired, Its been a busy week so far and a busy day today for me, but I am also quite wired, and I feel just full of words and bursting to attempt to document where I am beginning from. After 60 years 60 YEARS! It feels a bit like Christmas eve as a child…the excitement of what tomorrow holds. I am so weird..I have never had this attitude to any medication before. Yet I am also filled with fear that nothing will happen. The thoughts will I feel different an hour after or two or later in the day…that night, the next day, a week is it sort of instant? Or more like the ant-depressant? Eight weeks till it kicked in. No I am not going down that rabbit hole!
You would think a RN would know. Do I google it? I should read the document I was given by the pharmacist about it but then I worry that the negative symptoms will appear, and if I don’t know what they are apart from the suggestion to not take the medication after 12noon for it might keep me awake..which is why I am beginning tomorrow and not today.
Ah well in my childhood I would get me to bed so I could get to sleep and wake up to all the possibilities that the morning may have in store. Oh yes my ADHD brain is working overtime right now…I am so thankful I did not take this tablet today!
It has been ten months since I posted. So much was happening, and yet at the same time the consequences of some of my choices/actions impaired me and triggered me.
The experience of having a company come in and de-hoard my home was in hindsight wasnot good and in the long run has actually been a nightmare for me.
I returned home and yes it was cleared in some areas, BUT the contract was not actually adhered too, and that is a thing I am still examining. Or not.. A chapter for another day. My home was no longer my home, and one room was filled with boxes and boxes of my stuff that I was expected to be able to deal with. Laugh turns into hysterical laughter. Yeah right the whole idea was for them to get rid of everything and not pack it up for me to deal with. On my return home I went looking for my toaster and kettle..packed into boxes, toast crumb still in the toaster and stuff on the outside. In the process of looking I uncovered packed open food, dirty pots, sharp knives just left any how in the boxes with other stuff, fragile things with heavy things on top. Dirty clean no matter shove it a box put all the boxes into a room that had had mice nesting in a mattress (thankfully at least that had been tossed. I blame myself, and that of course took a toll on me….then Instead of that I looked at the contract and realised the company had not abided by it. When I really looked at my home I still saw mice droppings, and dirty light fittings, fly dirt, and just the house was not clean. I also had a room full of boxes…partially gone through now as I have to find all the food and throw out the opened cereal, flour, butter, sugar. along with dirty dishes.
I went backwards in my wellness, and I once again and surrounded by stuff. (not anywhere near as much I am very happy to say and very relieved BUT I Have also worked incredibly HARD ON Ensuring that it is NOT) I am also very slowly deaing with the room of boxes, and in all honesty I just wish they had thrown it all away, as now depending on where I am when I go into the room (which I avoid generally) if I find something I struggle so often to just say ;its been in here for 10months and you have either replaced it or not needed it…SURELY IT CAN GO! 65%of the time, I manage to toss it out.
So failure not on my part…and that is the positive that I hold too. (I’m struggling to get rid of the packing boxes as they cost me $6 or more a box, (the company charged me that much). So one of my pre hoarding issues was bloody cardboard boxes!!! I’ m laughing at the situation I truly am.
Since then I have been working at clearing about my property and have done some work that I am really proud of and gave a way a lot of wonderful artisan native wood to some artisans(my partner was a wood turner and under the house was a treasure chest of stunning native timbers, myrtle, blackwood and the treasure of Tasmania Huon Pine. Even some King billy pine. It was just sitting there stressing me out I had no idea of its value so much happier to give it to some people who would create wonderful things out of it.
I look at my house and sadly it is not bringing me a lot of joy, however I am not allowing myself to be weighed down by this. Yet it has taken a long time and work to accept.
The beginning of 2023 saw me begin the process of discovery. I decided to follow up on my psychologists diagnosis that I had ADHD. Unfortunately the waiting time for an assessment by a psychiatrist was between 5-9months here in Tasmania, and I had my assessment last week. Waiting for the assessment I fixated on what if I do not have ADHD??? I can not explain the relief I felt at age 60 female to receive the diagnosis that I do INDEED have ADHD! I can accept so much better and comprehend that so much of my life in my early years were not my fault..my brain is wired differently. I am now learning about how ADHD impacts human relationships and why I struggle to connect. ALong with my sensitivity and for me the biggest relief is that my messiness is infact part of my brain working or not.
Even prior to the diagnosis, I have been feeling mentally the best I have in so many ways, and now this new knowledge unlocks so much more for me to discover about my brain. Tomorrow I begin a slow release medication for ADHD, I have no idea if or what it might do for me or not do for me.. I am just happy to have a possible aid in somehow altering my brain so I can focus, and complete some things, that perhaps are not the normal things I can actually find myself focusing on for hours and hours and not dealing with mundane daily things…ie I just remembered I have washing in the washing machine from yesterday and it is now nearly 8pm it will stay until the morning. I have been beginning to use my mobile to set reminders for the things such as this to do each day. Its hit or miss but I at least am aware/reminded of what I want to achieve each day. I am okay with it being moved tomorrow for now.
I have been looking at my bottle of pills and attempting Not to get my hopes up.. I know that I may feel more anxious to begin..my heart is beating fast as I write and all I want is such a small thing a home I can feel comfortable to invite a friend into and that they will come and be comfortable to sit and have a cuppa and some food.
(May be triggering ) How truly incredible this thing called the internet is! It is through this that I was able to discovery a online support group based on the mainland of Australia. Facilitated by those who have and are managing their hoarding I assume. It was like so many things easy for me to type in the interest in joining the support group and I was relieved when I was accepted. (not being in the state and it is a state health organisation operating the support meetings, I was unsure if I would be accepted). It turned out I am not the only interstate attendee. Only one meeting in and it was at times a bit stilted as we all I guess dealt with our own anxieties about this meeting. My levels of anxiety were so extreme. Yet I set the alarm, and abnormally for me I had no desire to go and do anything, as in flee or not connect. My more normal response to new situations.
The fact is knowing that hoarding is a major issue in many countries, and impacts individuals, families and communities is one thing. I knew other people hoarded. I knew! Really I knew! What I felt in meeting these other people was wow, I am not alone. I am not incompetent, I am not a failure, I am non of the things I have beaten myself up about or labelled myself; ashamed of how I Live and how I have somehow let my whole home become a place that bewilders me everyday.. and yet I manage to live in it. I make meals, I rarely eat out and the meals I make in my kitchen are fresh and tasty but I would not cook anything for anyone else…my kitchen is a hoarders, my meals do not make me ill. I wash my clothes, and dry them at present over my stair rails with the fire going, (winter here ). I can shower, and my toilets work.
The other major thing I have done, is asked for someone who specialises in helping clean and organise hoarders homes.(at least that is the blurb), I sent a message honest explaining my mental illness and I am a hoarder, how ashamed and full of anxiety I am just to ask for the quote. I received a lovely response which helps a little. I now wait for the person to contact me and hopefully make a date and time for doing the quote. Knowing that when that comes emotions will again surface and anxiety. Being on a National Disability Insurance Scheme Pension does give me some funding for support. I did not really understand much about the support, and agreed to have house and gardening funding even though I really REALLY did not want or need it. As it was for a few hours a month. I am fortunate that my psychologist appointments are funded on the scheme. Something I will be eternally thankful for.
I ended up sending a request to my co-ordinator asking if instead of the monthly hours and cost/payment could the amount be utilised in helping me deal with the hording. My co-ordinator was so happy that I had asked for help..I am to send the quote to her and my hope is they will cover it. Now my anxiety is about how much it will cost. I have to breathe deeply as I write as I can feel myself going down the vortex of all the other what ifs, etc.
I now having made the calls, and the MASSIVE STEP to ask for help publicly announcing my situation even though I have shared with people neighbours and friends others that I am a hoarder, this, This step a business specialising in hoarding..really seriously I don’t need that I can do it I will for my own coping mechanism have to take the person on the journey I had with a previous attempt to assist me clean my home and get rid of the ‘rubbish’ which destroyed my trust and made my hoarding worse. It is the only way for me to begin to have to trust again someone coming into my home and respectfully supporting me through a big step I know is not going to be easy. I know is going to be so bloody hard at times. But I also KNOW I am ready, I know for my mental health to continue to improve my home can not remain as it is. I can not live anymore like this, and it is so wrong for my dogs; who are not at risk or are they suffering, neglected or any other concerns anyone may have. My dogs are the highest priority in my life believe me. It is also wrong for me.
My dream is to have a plumber come in and fix my leaking kitchen pipe (not sure how many years that has been there but at least 2 or more) It is basically impossible to wash up in my kitchen. I may also be able to finally find the leak in my kitchen wall and have that fixed! Such very small things. The leaking pipe was not the reason I have become a hoarder, but my hoard is why neither of these things have been fixed. Not being able to wash up properly has let the kitchen basically become perhaps the worst room in the house. Ahhh here I go running off ahead of myself. Stop STOP..the contact with the person has not happened yet. Just for a quote. Breathe breathe.. feeling nauseous. what if the person does not ring, what if the quote is too high…breathe stop breathe. Be proud. I have asked for help. I have sought and found support. One step at a time. breathe.
When you live in the other hemisphere, and many of the news stories are of the fires in Spain, France, Portugal and many other locations in Europe, that England has had Red alerts for EXTREME Heat. Knowing what that feels like, the heat and fear of bush fires(wild fires) yet; Living in my world I woke to a rather unusual sight snow on the hills across the river the lowest it has been dusting the trees on the closest hill and settling on the ground. Weather advice is for gale force winds and maximum 7dC/33.8 fahrenheit. Overnight it hit -2dC/28.4dC at 7am. We have been cruising so far this winter, mild really, yet now mid winter as it is according to the months is making us very aware down in my valley that Winter is still here with some beauty. When you have snow so occasionally it is such a treat, even those who are stuck due to road closures do not really mind. Here sitting inside as it is way to wet for me out in the garden. The fire is toasty the dogs have eaten their bones after a run. My heart aches for those impacted and fearful of the wildfires. I know the possibility is so real in my beautiful valley home. I have watched plumes of smoke rising seen flames just across the river, had ash falling on my home, and land, burnt leaves, thankfully not burning still. I empathise for all in these situations.
Yet even with the snow covered lower mountains, nature is doing as she does, I picked my first jonquil (damaged by the wind and broken) her scent is sublime and she is such a pure white. I have placed her in my toilet, where her natural perfume (it is a very cool room which always has an open window) and when ever I go in it is so lovely. Both in looks and perfume one flower stem is long lasting and perfumes the room so well.
The Hellebore are just flowering. This one is white with purple spotty lines inside. So lovely and best the Wallabies and possums seem to not eat it.
As dusk falls and I have tended all the animals as well my own dinner. (I eat rather early) I have the wood fire stoked and I know I am so fortunate, to live with so much and have so much. To be able to live with nature is a privilege. I am very aware of how quickly this all may change. I hold onto the moments, and am very thankful.
Echidna Home 
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