Even when I know I am slowly improving in my life with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the recognition that working on my mental health/illness will see me being hitting the pause button for a period. I use the word pause not stop as I have to keep processing and working at why I have reached this moment in my life.
I shared recently about finding why it seems so impossible for me to get the inside of my home (I have been a hoarder and work on this desire regularly). My home inside is probably as you might imagine perhaps better or worse.
This particular pause has flawed me as I have been doing so well in moving forward. Part of this has been in keeping a routine which for me has really been important. So when my routine slips almost imperceptibly it seems to me it should be an alarm to me. However when I dissociate and seem to give up it happens almost on autopilot. I woke up to this fact today. Eating processed food over my home made, exercise poor, showering good, earthing myself by being in the garden hands in soil.
The positive of where I am in my mental illness now is that I am able to recognise/have insight to something in my wellness that is impacting me. This is wonderful in so many ways, even though it is very difficult to admit that I have been triggered once again into a repetitive response.
This morning I was very focused on taking my dogs for a walk. When we ventured out it was so foggy and two large truck had driven up our road. I was tempted to not go. Instead I waited for the trucks to come back down and off we went as it turned out not very far. A chap in his ute came bye and asked if I had seen two dogs. His beagle and her sister a cockerspaniel had been on their walk this morning and as their Dad was getting them inside a wallaby went bye and off the dogs went after it.
I could see the distress and worry in the owners eyes. I knew from my own experience of our previous dog Toby going missing for over 24 hours how horrible it is. We were also touched by the number of people who came to look for him. Our boy had been on a long lead which always had been tied to something (he was a 9month old) so he was safe outside whilst my husband was working outside. One day he did not tie him to something and Toby went off. He was found down by the river entangled in wood. We were lucky but it was the worst 24 hours of both our lives in a very long time. I know how the owner of these two missing girls are feeling. I believe in paying it on. I would also help even if I had not had this experience.
We walked along the river, and through an area filled with trees mud and gorse where the two dogs had been seen heading chasing the wallaby. We went to jettys, up and down roads in the car. As other neighbours did similarly along with distressed owners. Dogs tend not to follow roads it seems.
I drove with my dogs, and we called in to as many places to let the neighbours all know about the missing pair. I did this to alert farmers or those with livestock etc these two were unlikely to be hurting animals.
We have had sheep killed and maimed by dogs in this area, so many farmers have said they will shoot any dogs on their land. Notifying people is the best option. The dogs are in bush across from my place, and we heard them barking but always moving further away from the road. My dogs and I walked up the ridge line looking and calling the girls. All we could hear was barking occasionally sadly moving away.
We walked back to the car and moved further around the coast line, calling into neighbours I could to let them know of the missing dogs. I could hear them barking again closer and came across their owners who were beside themselves. Very hard on them.
It began to grow dark and my two dogs were hungry and tired from our traversing the bush land meeting many neighbours and their dogs along the way. Seeing so many new homes being built and walking in areas close to home I have never been before. I am thinking about these dogs as I write but they are possibly having a fun time. Their owners however not so my heart aches for them.
My dogs are exhausted. I will sleep well tonight and hope the missing dogs Amy and Meggs are alright. They are very very loved and I know two hearts are breaking for their missing girls.
Our walk may not have gone the way I expected. Sadly for the missing dogs, for me and my dogs the walking was challenging and good for me. The meeting of people and sharing a story that was not mine was also good for me in a strange way. My mood of this morning is different now. It was good to not think and just do. Just go and help look. It was also good for me as I pushed myself walking places I would never have gone on my own before.
My spirit is sad, yet hopeful, dogs are amazingly resourceful and hardy creatures even those whom are loved and enjoy all the home comforts. Hope is always in my heart and mind for so many things that are out of my control. I can not carry the weight of these wee creatures to my own rest. Or my mind will not settle.
Tomorrow is a new day, blessings to you all. Tazzie