Allowing Miss Treacle a natural death.

This is a full and very descriptive documentation of ALL that is happening in real time as my beautiful Miss Treacle dying.

Its a very hard day here in my home today..and for the last couple.
My beautiful Schnauzer/Maltese is dying. She is over 15 and chose me to live with 13 years ago. She came into our life, (our being my gorgeous Smithfield dog Toby and Burmese cat Murphy) it was a really hard time when she chose us. My partner had died two months before and I was returning to work. Toby had never been on his own for more than five hours and I knew it would be really difficult for him when I returned to night duty and 10 hour shifts plus an hour drive each way.

My choice was for Toby and I to go to an animal rescue in my area, and at the time the owner had taken 30 dogs from a hoarding situation. Dogs of all sizes. When we arrived a stream of dogs came towards us, and sort of said hello sniffed but every single dog did not hang about. Yet back on the porch of the home there was this little bedraggled almost dreadlocks haired wee dog. Who began to come over to us. This black and white little dog came straight up to me, put its paws up on my knee and looked up at me. I picked it up and it just snuggled into my neck and basically hugged into me.
A little dog…not a REAL dog..not the idea of a dog I was wanting to adopt. What was I too do..I knew the owner who had thought this dog a female, named Treacle would be perfect for me knowing my situation. I had met her in town a few days before going and she had said to me she had a dog she thought would be perfect for me. Turned out it was Treacle!

I said to the owner a friend back then I will take her for the weekend but if its not right I will bring her back! Well she came home and she Toby and even Murphy all connected and as the first day drew to a close and bed called. She came up with us all and climbed on the bed laid right near my head.
Than night like all the nights I cried with grief and missing my partner. This night the tears and crying were sobs. I soon heard a new sound mixing with my sobbing. This wee dog was howling with me. She was crying with me? She also was snuggling in and licked my tears..now that will make some go YUK…me nope. Of course she never left.

Now the time is obviously her time to leave us to die. I am not religious but I believe there is more to everything than we will ever know at this time in our lives. As an RN I have been privileged to be present at many people’s dying and of course cared for my partner as he died at home from cancer. Surrounded by his daughters, me Toby and Murphy.
I know she is dying. I was not expecting it. Funny isn’t it. She has been going on walks visits to neighbours eating drinking all her normal life. Hugs with me and growling and pissed off at the new pup in our lives for the last 3 months whom she accepts but is not overly interested in.

Over the weekend (its Monday afternoon here in Australia 9th September 2023. She stopped eating food on Saturday morning, I could not tempt here with anything, not her faviourites liver, chicken mince, or sardines. Nothing has been eaten since. She stopped drinking yesterday.

She has been on CBD oil for the last three weeks, as her hind legs have been getting wonkier, and a serious decline in her cognition. It was superb she perked up the second day on it, and seemed to be more interested in life. She was joining Busby, and Sawyer our new family member and me under the wattle trees in the mornings. She would come out and I would pick her up, we would sit and have cuddles as the two boys play and roughhoused with each other. I knew she was getting older and time was passing way too quickly. I was monitoring her needs constantly and having tried several pain medications (I know she has pain as she has arthritis in her rear legs and nerve damage, along with her front knee joints.) So I found CBD oil.
I gave her some yesterday Sunday, and that is the only liquid she has had. Sadly shortly after she vomited bile, so doubtful if the CBD oil was absorbed. She will not take syringed water and in humans as death approaches giving water in IV’s is actually considered counteractive. The body of all mammals stops taking food and fluids in as death approaches which is extremely hard for those of us there with the person/animal who loves them, struggles with, even me as a RN.

I can not afford to have her euthanised, as I am on a Disability pension,paid fortnightly (due this Wednesday) and not expecting her to die this week, and every fucking vet wants you to pay on the day!! Even those who come to your home!
I was also not sure I wanted to have her euthanised. Let me tell you at times I bloody well do when she is coughing up phlegm filled with bubbles (meaning her lungs are potentially filling with fluid), her urine and poop is blood stained. She jumps off the lounge it seems every time I need a wee, and needs the toilet. She is still moving in her wonky, wobbly manner but at times can not make it outside, even when I carry her she has accidentally urinated on me as I carried her down the stairs. So now lots of towels, and one of the best things I have on hand human grade absorbent padded soft liners, reusable, used in age care for incontinence. They are called Kylies here in Australia. So thankful the Laundromat has a big load washing machine for pets.

The volume of urine and poop is minimal now as she is no longer eating or drinking for over 36 hours. She sleeps/rests or looks vaguely at nothing for hours but will move about on the sofa, where the sun through clouds is a lovely warm spot. Her breathing at times is rapid, and a bit laboured and it is often wheezy, or whistly, pretty normal with dying. Oh I forgot to mention about 7 months ago the vet noted she had a heart mummer. Which we did nothing about as she was running and active, going on a uphill and down hill walk/ run every day. Not lengthy but intense. So her heart is potentially failing her. Congestive heart failure. Though at her most recent visit to the vets a month ago nothing new was noted. So all this has happened quite fast but as she is 15 it is all part of her life and death.

So why am I happy I don’t have the money to have her euthanised, even though I spent time earlier today seeing if our own vets would allow me to pay them on Wednesday instead of on the day..Full payment which I have always paid every time we have been to them which has been two puppy vaccinations, two adult dog vaccinations and checkups, plus script for CBD oil ($55 for a script to be written and emailed)?? BUT they would not consider helping my dying dog without me having to take up and fill in paperwork for a payment plan if I had taken her to them to have her euthanised today!!

So that is part of the reason, the other part is She is settled, she is resting majority of the time, her brothers and I are with her. The most interesting thing has been in regard to my other two dogs, Busby 8 who was raised by Miss Treacle and me from 4 weeks old (with 2 of his siblings) and Sawyer who is 41/2months old have been incredible. Sawyer is a puppy and he is so incredible he has played with Busby once today outside, but overnight with quite a few up and downs for Miss Treacle which he came out with us and kept an eye on her, as did I and today he has been so settled, Resting playing incredibly quietly with his toys and getting cuddles from me, sniffing and licking Miss Treacle’s paws and face..very very gently.


Busby has been near her earlier in the morning when I was holding her on my lap on the lounge and he was laying on my legs, and looking at her with a furrow on his brow. I mean we are all super tired, add to this I got a head cold yesterday, and very disturbed sleep last night partly my crying and letting Miss Treacle know what a wonderful companion she is and how it is OK for her to go. She woke serveral times to cough up bile/phelgm, Plus the five times to toilet her. She manged each time to jump off the bed and begin to walk to the stairs, once going down, but so scary to watch her I carried her every other time. She is doing her best to be continent, and I imagine the fact that she is now having accidents on the floor may be upsetting for her. I do carry her out if I see she needs to go, but as I wrote before she gets off the lounge when I go to the loo, or get her brothers food. I hear her thump onto the floor..as she is wonky on her legs. That is hard for me, so very hard..her sweet determination to not soil inside.

Of course this would all be done with If I had her euthanised, but in the same process, her brothers would not have seen this process, (Busby experienced his older brother’s sudden death when I was not home, looked like Toby had died in his sleep, maybe an aneurysm), I came home from a lunch with friends and he had died on his bed looking very at peace but when I moved him some drops of blodd came out of his nose)
So Busby is caring for Sawyer by going out side with him and playing or to the toilet and coming back in relatively quickly compared to normal. Then just quite and lying down. They know, and when she dies they will be able to see her and smell her if they chose.
I recall when Toby died and I was burying in him in my garden, He was a biggish doe 23Kg/50lbs, it was hard ground and I had not dug it quite big enough. Both Miss Treacle and Busby were out with me, and when I put Toby’s body next to where I dug, I realised and dug deeper and wider. As I covered his body both dogs sniffed and came over walked about and over it, and looked at me as if to say Nah not deep enough.. so I kept digging, and amazingly when I eventually finished (all on my own) they both checked again , and both just lay on the dirt under which their buddy’s body was buried. They both grieved for about a fortnight, not wanting to go out much and quite happy just to go with me to the grocery shop and home.


So I personally know at least my dogs grieve and are very aware of when one of the family is dying.
It was interesting when my partner was dying at home, sitting upright on the lounge/sofa our cat who adored him, did not come near him, Toby our dog was beside him the whole time head on his knee, not up on the lounge where he would normally be. As if he knew he was in pain. After my partner died, and his spirit had gone, the empty vessel now cold that house his spirit was lying on the lounge, and it was hard and freezing cold the body, Murphy the cat came and laid down on my partner’s body sleeping their for several hours.

Writing this is so cathartic for me, as I live alone, and friends, do they really want to know what is happening in regard to your beloved dogs slow dying.. I mean do you? So I write here for me. Totally and selfishly for me. Writing and I have missed writing my blog is totally for me, and if it helps anyone in any way, that is terrific. I just know I was looking for something searching online search engines, for when! HOW LONG will it be. The answer is as long as it is!


I have had a pet euthanised previously and perhaps this has also swayed my choice in this instance. When our German Shepherd was euthanised it was horrendous, the dose given did not do what it should have, and he became agitated and aggressive and bewildered at what was going on. My partner was in tears, and I had to be stoic as one of us had to drive home with Rex’s body in the boot of our hatch back. We relived the whole debarkle and all the what ifs. We blamed ourselves, and then each went into our separate withdrawals. On arriving home it’s the middle of winter, dark, wet and cold, my partner vanished and after some time, I brought myself out of my own grief and distress went in search of him. He was in an area of our garden and had been digging a hole, he had somehow managed to get Rex’s dead weight body out of the car and down here by himself. He told me to leave him alone. I offered him a warm cuppa and he said later. I lost track of time, but was surprised to hear the band saw going in the workshop. I decided to ignore it for now. As my partner was tending to his own grief, and feelings as he needed, me mine.
He did come inside a couple of hours later, and no words were said. We both went to bed and we hugged and I certainly cried for us both but for Rex most. I slept in the next day and on getting up was surprised to not see my partner having his cuppa and pipe.
He must have seen me through a window and came and asked me to come out side. He led me down the garden path under the wattles, and into the paddock area. To the side I noted a massive cross, a pile of dirt with stones around it, and on the cross whittled in was REX. This is what my darling man had been doing and his way of dealing with his needs over what had happened. I looked at him with eyes filled with tears and a small grin on my face. No words… This brand new cross stood about 1m/3.2f high and slightly smaller cross beam. It could be seen from the road. Many comments made by neigbours about did I murder him, or who did we bury there. Woah that went off on a tangent.

I guess it was about choices and euthanasia not always being the wonderful way of letting our pets die. I can not help myself but look at Miss Treacle right now. And she has recently just jumped off the lounge skidded on her chest and done a small loose gelatinous with a drop of blood brown gloopy poop on the timber floor. After putting her back on the lounge, ensuring she was clean and cleaning the poop, she is lying gently steadily breathing eyes closed. All the world to me asleep and comfortable. She only appears uncomfortable when her bodily needs, need to be met.
We had only all gone outside for a toilet break about five minutes before but she did not seem to want to go. Instead Miss Treacle began to steer her way wonky and wobbly but determinedly to where she had been going for the last week or so under the house, in the beginning she went under there and came back inside, last thing at night, you know for her final wee. For the week before this weekend she had been going under there and not returning. I would go out and encourage her to come out, the final two nights Thursday Friday night she was in so far I struggled to reach her to get her out. I did manage and I realised she was choosing to do this to be alone. I researched this and some dogs like cats, and other animals will seek solitdue hidden out of sight away from family and other animals. To die here, researchers believe it is a trait back to wild animals doing this, so the pack is not at risk from the predators who will hunt/kill/eat potentially the dying dead animal. I did not allow her to go under the house Saturday or Sunday nights, and yes she went out for her last night wee, independently with me supervising..and her brothers about. I did carry her back inside and up the stairs to bed.

This broke my heart imagining my wee girl who is my soul and the most incredible dog to enter my life at the precise time she did. She was like my leveler, (I have ADHD and impulsiveness can be an issue, along with reactionary..so swearing and screaming at other drivers..she would put her paw on my arm and try to get me to make eye contact with her, or press her body into mine when I was getting anxious/agitated. She helped me get through my suicidal times when I was deeply depressed and diagnosed with CPTSD, when I had my breakdown she was with me right next to me as often as she could be.
Busby was so young but now he is so aware of me and worries about me. He is also concerned for Miss Treacle. But is generally giving her the space she is needing. He is exhausted too but he is keeping an eye on Sawyer and he is such an amazing big brother, today he has been incredbile in keeping Sawyer form being over the top..he murmmer growls type noises a bit like purring. It is the most endearing beautiful noise and its to get Sawyer to settle.

I was holding her a lot, as it was giving me some comfort, and I don’t know sort of felt is was helping her, knowing I was right here, yet once I placed her on the couch in her own space snug and comfortable from my perspective, she was more settled and relaxed. So as much as I want to hold her constantly I realise this is her need to be in her own space. Even allowing her to try and get up and off the couch is important, even when it goes with a slide or thump. She has some form of independence still and I know from caring for my partner in his dying days allowing him to do what ever he wanted or at least to support and let him try was incredibly important, even when it may not have gone as expected or hoped by him.

It is 20:45 and Miss Treacle is very slowly dying. She has not go up off the lounge for 4 hours now and has been settled but is having spasms where her all four legs will stretch out, apparently not unusual as her body organs wind down. Her breathing is at times shallow and with a rasp sound which is similar to what happens for humans towards the end. She is not responsive any more as in I reposition her and she does not move her head is no longer lifting up nor is she throwing up or trying to go outside.

It is getting late and my other dogs and I are ready for bed its been a very hard emotional night and day. I carry my wee girl up stairs whilst her brothers are outside for final wees, I put her in her bed and hope I have made her comfortable death is definitely not too far away.

I go back down stairs and the boys come up, interestingly they are not as rambunctious as they get onto the bed as usual. Busby comes close to Miss Treacles bed smells her and lies down a little away from her not quite in his usual place. Sawyer comes up and slowly sniffs her face and licks her. He is very very gentle.
I make a hard decision I have a head cold that is causing me to have labrynthitis (where my eyes spin and my balance is kaputt. ) I take a anti histamine which acts on me as a sleeping tablet and my hope is I can breathe easily. I know that Miss Treacle will have died by the morning. I know that I will be off no help or comfort too her. I do pet her and gently cuddle her letting her again know how much I love her and how wonderful she is and how much I appreciate that she chose us to live with. As I go to sleep my hand just touching her paw I am aware that her paw is cooling, another sign her death is imminent. I allow myself to accept this.

I was woken by Sawyer who needed to go to the toilet. Dawn was arriving and as yet the birds had not begun to sing. I got up and as I did I knew Miss Treacle was dead. At this moment I just kept rising to take my puppy for his urgent wee.
We came back to bed I did check Miss Treacle she indeed was dead. She was, and with a tear in my eye I went back to sleep settling Sawyer .

A couple of hours later I was woken by Sawyer again, he was ready for the day, he was sniffing and pushing his nose into where Miss Treacle’s body lay. Busby was awake and stretching which distracted Sawyer and allowed me to assess her body. This was to see how I could carry it down stairs. As I did Busby’s curiosity saw him come over and once he saw/smelt Treacle’s body he jumped off the bed. This was not his first experience at one of his buddies dying. Last time he and Miss Treacle were alone when Toby died unexpectedly so perhaps this experience was traumatic.
We got up and I lifted my dear Treacle up into my arms. Her body released the last fluids as I moved her and the smell was not good. I put the body on the lounge wrapped in a blanket she had as a covering in her bed. I knew that I could not leave the body there or as it was because it was distressing and malodorous and the sunshine was coming in. I had to place her body into a garbage bag as it was the only way to stop the odour and leave her body outside while I tended to the boys needs.

I chose a place to bury her. I was thankful that the soil was soft and the clay underneath had a lot of moisture in it which made the digging easier. It was hard emotionally but also because I was unwell and my labrynthitis was making me light headed and feel like I was about to fall over. I place the body in the hole and Busby went over to see what I was doing and he looked smelt and again left, Sawyer on the other hand tried to help me dig the hole and sniffed the body, walked over it and again tried to help covering her body. It is always never big enough the hole, and I did have to make a small adjustment.

I intend to plant some flowers on it.

I am of course sad and am grieving, as Busby seems to be. I am also relieved that Miss Treacle died as she chose, and with us in her home and bed. She always was strong and sometimes seemed to be wiser than me. As she began to decline it was at times difficult as a solo person to do activities that suited all my dogs together though she did all we did together even a trip to the beach two weeks ago, and her final very slow walk down the road from our neighbours on Friday. I know she had a wonderful home and life, she was healthy and fit all the way until she died..if that makes sense.
I am OK because her presence in my life in my darkest days where CPTSD took me to the darkest places and I am only still alive because she and my other animals needed me. I am so So thankful that I am alive today, even with it being a sad day. I have learnt to express my emotions to myself and others. I own them, accept them and move through them today, yes at times still binging (less than ever in volume and how often) which makes me happy, this is because I sought help, and have a psychologist who has helped me to learn how to do these things, as we discover the whys I do and react as I do.
I am so happy that this little black dog chose me to be her forever family, and that she had a long and happy life.
I also appreciate if you read all my words, written mainly for me as I said. As a person who also has ADHD for me being able to totally be with all my dogs 100% during this time was so beneficial. I know this is NOT normal or possible for most people who work, have children, and commitments. I treasure that I being on a disability pension was able to spend all the time and with ADHD perhaps hyperfixated.

The following two photos are taken 5 days apart, one of our last big outings in the car and Miss Treacle had a walk around the foreshore. The second photo taken Monday morning is her asleep on my lap her two brothers checking on her it was not staged, I was just fortunate to capture this moment. The last photo of my three dogs together.


3

Cinderella in disguise time to take a holiday

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to dinner where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication (thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to a gathering where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication, thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy. I also have purchased items I needed for work I am doing about the house so I have not placed myself in any financial hardship/risk with my actions.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
-being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals,
-the shopping stuff, if I go onto buy something for Temu or any website when I am on my meds it is because it is fun, makes me smile, or is something useful.
-life helps me to create routine and order in my day to day life setting up alarms and reminders to do things not always accomplished or even started but the regular necessities are undertaken daily.
– I shower and tend to go to bed at a regular time that is beneficial for me, my dogs our life.
-not craving or bingeing sweet food and preparing meals and healthier eating mostly
-doing small things daily that have been left i.e. putting nails into something that
kept slipping and hitting me wow simple and effective. Cutting a rose bush that hit me everytime I went into the chook run.
-realising that the likely hood of me doing all that is needed and hiring a lovely person to come and get the things done such as transplanting trees, and removing blackberries clearing other bits is making me feel more in control of my home and the land I enjoy.

there are other positives for me in taking this medication, and I am very fortunate that the adverse symptoms are low for me. I am on a very low does 10mg and as described in another post this is great for me.
Thanks for reading this if you made it all the way. Let me know if it helped you in anyway. Medication regardless of what it is, is a very individual thing, and again what I take and the amount, its impact on me are very much my experience so can not be looked at how it might impact you.

I am not sharing this information for children or younger people with ADHD this is from the perspective of a 60year old female and is my personal experiences.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

4

One Month Later

So I have been on my ADHD medication for just over a month now. I am now considered to have Neurodivergent brain.

From the first time I took this medication with a relative short amount fo time my brain had space in it!

I have always just felt my brain was so overloaded.

Im on a longer acting medication, that has a pretty short half life (meaning the amount of time the medication remains in my body). I am able to tell when it wears off.

Its not all rosey and bright. As when it wears off I again begin to feel the lack of space in my brain.

I am now working at noticing things I am doing when the medication is not working. Ie impulse spending…Temu and I are good acquaintances as is Amazon Australia. When I may have been online impulse adding stuff to my cart if on medication. I will be able to leave the cart, for a few days and generally not buy anything well maybe one item. Not the 20 in the cart.

I also note I am much more aware of when I am likely to be fixated, and will generally be able to quit say facebook (spending very very little time on it and its a huge positive. let me tell you).

I am able to undertake tasks that I have not done in years and not become so focused on it that I loose focus on other aspects of my life that need to be done. NOT saying these other aspects get done, just I am aware of things outside the task I am undertaking in general.

I have begun to schedule alarms on my phone reminders of things I must do every day, ie medication, and other things. Even a time for going to bed. Crazy but having this routine really has made a huge difference for me. I may not do it religiously

but on the whole its pretty set, and in the last month I have not stayed up past midnight at all. (where as not uncommon to be up till 3am prior.

Feelings of not being included and lost as too why, left out, omitted, not understood,and similar overwhelming emotions that would fill my brain are so much less now and pretty much nil on medication.

The negative symptoms for me have not been massive or noticeable. Though I can no longer have real coffee unless its decaffeinated. Generally my sugar cravings have gone. As my binge eating with it.

I did as per GPs and psychiatrist suggestion increase my medication and within a short time, I knew this was not a positive step for me. That day was hell. Hard for me to put it into words now. It was just awful on so many levels.

I have also found with this medication I have a lot of control over how to use it.

As I have said previously it stops its magic at some point in the day depending on what time I take.

So if I know I am going out in the evening as per Mad Hatters I took it about 1pm and found that the night was pretty good. Dont get me wrong I still was quite anxious and turned up an hour early for my volunteer shift. However I knew if I did not go then I most likely would not have gone. So wanting to attend and having committed to help I went and was quite content being an hour early.

Much better than not going and the emotional shit I would have gone over and over in my head for days.

If I am going to Kingston or Hobart I will take it a bit later in the morning.

Normally I take it first thing on an empty stomach. As I find once I have eaten, and I take it, it does not seem to be so effective for me.

It has NOT CURED ME. It has NOT changed me, it has not stopped me from not being able to tend to things that I have major issues about or for some bizarre reason seem to be just not able to DO. Ie washing up… WTF. I actually have some insight into why this and the house crap is such a massive issue for me. I also am very aware of the monumental task I am dealing with. Even with all the work I have so far done. (we won’t talk about the crappy business that was meant to dehoard and clean my living spaces and kitchen)

The main thing for me as a newly diagnosed person with ADHD is that it has explained why so many things happened, were done to me as a misunderstood and different child to my siblings and friends. Why I never really fitted in to social groups/peer groups and why it impacted me so much emotionally and developmentally.

I am perhaps one of the more lucky mature age women now discovering that they have ADHD, having managed to complete degrees, to end up at age 30 working in a career where I was able to continue (nursing is quite structured and time orientated pretty good for my neurodivergent brain). It also explains why I found some work places nightmares, open office plans, and where not much structure so say more self directed, though depending on my personal interest level some self directed style work was great ie dementia support groups for carers and individuals with dementia, setting up and facilitating. Community nursing loved it, and community mental health support loved it.

Explains my always messy desk, bedroom as I grew up and as an adult.

I was also incredibly fortunate to have met Mark. He never judged me, he accepted me as I was totally, and our life together enabled me to keep on top of the shit I would buy..checks and measures I guess. It was not done or anything said…it seems his unconditional love depleted my need for stuff, to be impulsive so much. He was my body double in so many ways. Body double..hmm I will leave that for another day. We know he was nothing like me.

I have no regrets about what might have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Though I have met and talk to other mature age women (especially as girls were never considered to have ADHD when I was a child or teenager) and many of them are very angry and regretful. Their lives were very different from mine.

As I say I somehow achieved the necessities and managed to somehow move through the debt I created in my earlier adult life to begin to save and stay out of debt and live within my means..(never having a credit card was the BEST life lesson). I also became used to the moving so many time I have lived in over 39 homes in my lifetime, 25 years in this one…says something too along with the number of jobs, and positions I was employed in. I was never fired, or terminated. Realising myself when I knew the position was not right for me. So so grateful again for having some insight into me.

So thank if you have read all the way through this.

If you know anyone who may appear to have or is fearful or concerned that they may have ADHD as an adult. Please feel free to share my experiences then and now.

I also want to mention that I was floored when I went to pay for my psychiatrist appointment ($600) that I had been bulked bill as a concession disability card holder.. somehow this had happened in the last couple of months. It was really wonderful for me to have this happen.

Again thanks for reading this to this point. As a mental health advocate I never shy away from sharing my real experiences. I am who I am and am proud of me, and like me. What others may think of me is their own opinion. It has genuinely very little if any impact on me if its negative. So many positives to getting older and being on medication that gives my brain space.

blessings to You, Tazzie

This is my personal experience and as in all my posts do not share copy or use any of my posts without my permission. Or acknowledging my blog as the source.

3

Winter Gardening in Tasmania

The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.

Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind).
I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.

I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.

My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf?
It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them!
The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!

Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.

I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.

My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air.
My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things.
It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.

blessings, Tazzie

1

Winter Arrives with storms, gale winds and snow

https://latitude.to/articles-by-country/au/australia/83164/huonville

When your live is the southern most state of Australia Tasmania, (island State) and your home is in the southern most council region of that state and the latitude is -43’01, and that island is in the Roaring Forties.
“During the Age of Sail (circa 15th  to 19th centuries), these strong prevailing winds propelled ships across the Pacific, often at breakneck speed. Nevertheless, sailing west into heavy seas and strong headwinds could take weeks, especially around Cape Horn at the southern tip of South America, making it one of the most treacherous sailing passages in the world.”
https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/roaring-forties.html

The Ocean Chief Samuel Walters (British, 1811-1882) The Black Ball Line clipper ship Ocean Chief reducing sail on her Australian run. Australian Maritime Board

The Roaring Forties in the Northern Hemisphere don’t pack the same punch that they do in the Southern Hemisphere. This is because the large land masses of North America, Europe, and Asia obstruct the airstream, whereas, in the southern hemisphere, there is less land to break the wind in South America, Australia, and New Zealand. https://oceanservice.noaa.gov/facts/roaring-forties.html

Living here for over two decades I used to see that the winds would pick up generally for a week or so before and after the equinoxes, and solstices. Equinox occur in Spring and Autumn, it is where the day is equally 12 hours of sun and 12 hours of dark. The solstice dates this year for the Southern Hemisphere Autumn was 21st March 8.24am. Spring will be 23rd Sept 16:49. For those in the Northern Hemisphere the dates are the same but opposite seasons.
The solstice for me Winter June 22, 2023, 12:57 AM, and Summer will be December 22, 2023, 2:27 PM. Again for Northern hemisphere same dates opposite seasons. https://greenwichmeantime.com/longest-day/equinox-solstice-2021-2030/
So on the evening of the last day of Winter my dogs and I listened to the wind howling through the trees, and I had to draw the curtains as Busby was very anxious. I on the other hand was marveling at how far my Blackwood and Eucalyptus trees could bend and sway without breaking. For which I am very thankful. We also had heavy rains and in two days my water tanks have gone from being 3/4 empty to overflowing and the one I accidentally almost emptied is nearly full. With predictions by our Bureau of Metorology but called the BOM of a dry summer it is always good to have full or almost full rain water tanks throughout winter and more so at the beginning of summer.

I swear a moat was forming about part of my home. I could not see across the river let alone to the mountains to see if snow was covering their tops. Kunyani (Mt Wellington) in Hobart did have alight dusting of snow.

Last day of autumn snow on Hobart’s Mt Wellington/kunanyi.(Supplied: Luke Johnston)
From https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-05-31/what-weather-is-typical-for-tasmania-winter-bom-explainer/102413884

My day was spent basically as normal, though neither Miss Treacle or Busby were too keen to go for a run in the gale winds, with cold rain temp was -1dC/30dF and only went half way. Returning home to eat and spend the rest of the day by on the sofa, enjoying the warmth of the wood heater. I did feel for my chooks who were looking rather bedraggled, who spent the majority of their day under the house.

I however found myself sorting and folding the clothes and linen that had been laying on the stairs and on the top of my drawers and floor to be honest of my bedroom, away. I then put a mountain of books or maybe several mountains that had been about my bed into a bookshelf. I picked up the electrical fan I had failed to put together before summer and obviously had not achieved over summer and placed all the pieces in the corner, along with the summer window covers I use to keep the room cool in the summer heat I vacuumed all the cobwebs and dead insects of the ceiling, along with doing the carpet.
WHAT? Who am I?
I am in awe of how my brain is changing on the medication I am on for ADHD. There was no thought, I had taken a few clothes that had been on the drying rack and were now dry up stairs, and well just began. Is this how people who do not have ADHD manage? I mean it took me about 3 hours to do it all such a seemingly small amount of time. For stuff that I have not done in months yes months.

My dogs had stayed down stairs the whole time, and I guess I had missed meal time which is 14:00hrs, I have not a clue what time it was when I went upstairs. I was rather shocked when it turned out it was almost 16:30 and my poor starving abandoned dogs were so relieved that they had not been forgotten.

I too was a bit hungry so made some food. I then went and bought wood inside to dry for tomorrow and stack some more in the covered wood area. I guess there is now 4.85tonnes left to move.

As the sun set the temperature dropped drastically a chilly blast seemed to fill the house. I put more wood on the fire and opened it as it had burnt down low whilst I was up stairs.
I and my wonderful dogs then settled on the couch for the evening. All with full tummies, and a sense of contentment and peace. My home has not suffered any damage in the storm and gale force winds that have come early it seems this year. My garden and chook shed also have been undamaged. Very thankful for that.
I know how much my heating will cost me, and I have paid for it in full. My thoughts turn to so many Australians who will be concerned over their heating costs, to those who have no home, or will not be able to afford to run their heaters all winter. I have seen how hard it was for many people in UK, Europe and USA many in much colder climates than where I am through there winter.

blessings to



2

Argh!

I just completed a post and had hit publish and then every thing froze. I logged back in and it had gone. Sigh.
So its been a good day.
One week today on my ADHD medications. Yes there have been changes and I am so happy I decided to give it a go.
I am following up on financial things. Outstanding financial things. Tolls from when I was on the mainland. Majority paid but issues with what has been happening since my last phone call. Under control, check.
Paying outstanding invoices due to my inability to do what I needed to having gone from managed by and organisation under National Disability Insurance Scheme, to self managing. Almost completed, and I am following up daily to see where its at so I can finalise this.
Brilliant just brilliant.

I soaked my broad beans (fava) in water last night, I also had found some garlic cloves that were rooting and shooting. I decided as it was a warm day , and the sun poked through the clouds to go into my veggie garden and plant them. I planted both in several areas of the garden. (not labeling of course where I planted them). As I did this I had to add some old manure to some of the areas, and then I began to weed. I really love weeding. Which is fortunate as there is a lot of weeds. As I was weeding I noticed some brassica seedlings I had left in the old wheelbarrow. Heck they were still alive. They looked sort of healthy if a bit like um mini larger plants. What to do. Oh lets just plant them. So I did. Nothing to loose really. There is space in the beds, it will be interesting to see what happens. Oh a winter experiment lovely!

Hearing my sort of feathered flock of chooks(chickens). They have been molting. I realised that it was their dinner time, along with how dirty I was, thirsty, and then how starving my dogs must be. Busby had joined me outside but I now realised that he had vanished quite a while ago. It turned out 4 hours had passed talk about hyper focused!
So chooks fed, check.
Me watered, check.
Me showered, check,
Dirty clothes into washing machine to soak, other clothes added, and turned on. Check
Dogs fed, check.
Dogs cuddled, check.
Me fed check.
Sat for a while and watched some stuff.
As one does I needed the loo(toilet). I went upstairs, for some reason loading myself up with a bundle of clothes and linen that had made home on the stairs.{(yes a huge trip hazard..Im a hoader its life). though a work in process of changing that title}. The stairs were not bare of cloth, at this point, I hasten to add. Yet without a thought I picked up a bundle of cloth, and took it up to my room. Yes it was dumped on the floor! No where else to put it as I needed the loo right then. So the clothes and linens are accumulating on the floor of my bedroom instead of the stairs. No clothes are creating a trip hazard on the stairs, as I type. All have made their way up to the bedroom floor. It is progress in my world/life.
It gets even more mysterious, and baffling. As I did what one does in the loo. I looked and began to pick up items and put them in the draw. On completing the original task the one that can not be ignored for too long ever, washing my hands noticing how filthy the sink and window area is. A chux(cleaning cloth) and cleaner is located, the sink is cleaned, the window sill is dusted, washed, and the light shade, the top of the loo, then looking down the loo is horrible, so that is hit with something to soak for a bit. Then I stack loo paper, return things to the drawers, pick up rubbish of the floor and empty the bin. I pick up clothes that I have left laying in the toilet room. (it is not a big room I have to admit). I did not clean the floor at this point. The rubbish and the clothes both made it downstairs. Clothes into the washing machine with others and washed as per above.
rubbish into garbage bin outside! Who is this woman?
No plan, no list. No thought even. not even a lot of effort just done. Its not finished I hear you, but for me this is massive.
These little things are so monumental, and they are how I know that my brain has changed because of the medication.
I still feel like me, which I was very anxious and scared of. I think my brain is still active, and my humour is more present, not saying medication is responsible for that, but a combination of things. I am able to not get sucked into the facebook or so far the impulse shopping on line behaviour I have in more recent times. I did go onto online sight to shop but put things in cart and well turned the computer off, and whether this is a one off or a change it is early days.
Weirdly not sure if having someone come to quote for fencing is impulse shopping or not.
I am not as tired in the afternoons as I had been at first. Though I am sleeping 10 hours lucky me, and it is very heavy sleep. I have weird dreams.
I’m not missing coffee like I thought I would. When I forgot that caffeine is not reccomended with my medication and had a large coffee on top of a largish one at home(instant), at a cafe and I had such a rapid heart rate, scared me.
One thing I am noticing is I seem to get hot flushes(well feeling of being overheated and sweaty), similar to my experience during menopause not sure if this is the medication or something else. I see my GP next week so will check up with her.
So much to be thankful about and so much to be appreciative of in my life. I know I am very fortunate, and to live here in Australia and get my medication on our Government scheme ($7.30AUS concession card holder) but if I was not it would be $30 I believe. So not sure how that compares to other countries.

blessings to You, Tazzie



2

Steady she goes..

Day 5 ADHD medication older adult

My body and brain seem to be settling into some sort of new normal on my medication. How is it. I am pleasantly happy with what appears to be altering. As mentioned in my last post I paid (well attempted ) to pay some invoices. I am on a disability pension due too my mental illness I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD). I was finally assessed after having a breakdown about 7 years ago (interestingly I was menopausal and I believe many symptoms could also have been tied into undiagnosed ADHD, At the time I was very depressed and suicidal (NOT normal symptoms of ADHD!
I was put on antidepressant medication and I am so thankful that I was, and even though it took trying several types, yes enduring the whole wait and see, or get me off this medication NOW process of each new medication. I was so unwell I kept trying and again I am so glad I did. It was for me a life saver. Along with my GP and my wonderful psychologist and me, the medications enabled me to move through my depression, (took 5 years so please NOT an INSTANT fix. Eventually I began to feel that the antidepressant was inhibiting me from moving forward and my emotions whilst improved were still somewhat dulled for me. The choice to come off for me, was great and life moved forward.

I began to have some notable changes happening in my life after coming off the antidepressant and learning to feel all emotions and live with all emotions. Learning to identify and observe what happened prior too when I had an angry or sad out burst.
See if I could begin to tie in the emotions feeling to the situation and then over the course of years begin to learn and understand that whilst my behaviours and responses may not be seen as appropriate, they were the only management tools I had.

I also began to understand all the large blank periods in my life. I have massive memory black holes and dissociate (can still happen if overwhelmed) but happens so much less now. What I learned was that these black holes and when I dissociate are my childhood brains way to deal with things too awful/hard/painful/distressing/overwhelming and this is what saved me from all sorts of fates. It is perhaps what saved me and my brain to be able to function and get some good grades and evenutally a wonderful qualified work position.
All the what if’s I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my early childhood the signs were certainly present form an early age in hindsight. I believe the abuse and beatings I got were mostly due to the behaviour of having a neurodivergent brain in a family with divergent brains.
Of course there are always the what ifs.

For me at my age it has no bearing on my life today. I know though I am a very fortunate female of the 60s who was educated well. Who was never unemployed and went to Uni and financially am very fortunate.
My family were not well off in my early years, but education was always the priority and being able to fit into any group of people. (I’m not sure but life is so much less formal than when I was a child. which was not helpful to a girl with undiagnosed ADHD). My childhood and disregard for social status and hierarchy, patriarchy, gender roles and other social norms that thankfully are less accepted by our society today.

I have never been a neat, tidy person or my home but generally when it all got to much I used to be able to just get into a zone and sort, clean and make it all look wonderful Even if it took 4 days, the food tins sorted into same, then alphabetised, labels all facing out, CDs and books all alphabetised and clothes colour blocking. I would look about and feel so good. I also recall inviting people over for a meal so I would tend to things before they became worse in my 20’s and 30s’.

I have always had a impulsive nature. Getting myself into some serious debt and dealing with the consequences was a help in a lot of ways with learning not to be so impulsive with my spending. Well at least to only be impulsive once rent, bills and some savings are put away.
I also met someone in my late 30’s who was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years when he was diagnosed with cancer and cared for by me at home until he died in our home with his daughters present and the animals. (13 years ago now). He was like my control…not in that he controlled me or my money or anything like that. Like he loved me unconditionally, he encouraged and helped, about he house, he was also not tidy but not messy and so I guess I followed his lead. We washed up once a day, and things were put away. Washing was done regularly hung out and put away. Personal care regular and routine. Diet I loved cooking for him and family and visitors.

Why am I mentioning all this stuff? When my psychologist began to talk to me about their belief (assessment) that I had ADHD, and that my depression: at the time I was so ill was not necessarily anything to do with ADHD but a part of living with undiagnosed ADHD along with grief and having CPTSD she and my GP were working with me to get me through the critical stage of my mental illness you know helping to save my life. That ADHD was left on the back burner.
It was only perhaps 18months ago (and yes I have issues with how long ago things were), that ADHD was bought up, and interestingly enough I had been watching a Youtuber: How to ADHD.
https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

I was finding so many things that rang bells for me in so many of her videos. So when my Psychologist bought it up again and I was well enough to be receptive, it was not such a WHAT moment but a yep moment. Nothing happened immediately as be it with my anxiety, my disorganisation, finances, fears, impossibility of getting a Psychiatrist appointment within 9months, it took me time to finally to be assessed. Even when I made an appointment (and was going to pay $600) it was not that simple, first the Psychiatrist was ill with COVID, then I was on the mainland (I live on the island State of Australia Tasmania) and could not find somewhere to have a zoom meeting, as I was driving back to catch the ferry home on the day my first rescheduled appointment was on. Thankfully the the Psychiatrist rescheduled for the week after I returned home.



Of course I was anxious about the assessment I mean what if I do NOT have ADHD?? Shit what would that mean?
So of course once assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, the relief overwhelmed me, and the joy yep seriously I felt joy and happiness, that there was a reason why all my life…everything was as it was! I am so glad I did it, and right now even happier that I am on medication sure its not been a week yet and some days its been weird, it seems to doing something.

Today I know that the medication is doing something to my brain that is so magical. Not only did I attempt to pay some invoices on Friday and they were rejected because I had not advised the NDIS of my bank account details for the money to be transferred from being managed by a business to me managing my own payments, which meant of course the invoices were rejected BUT did I emotionally break, did I just go fuck it…put it in the too hard basket or just go dissociate? No I placed a note in my diary on my phone with an reminder to contact the person I needed to.

So this morning after doing the daily morning things I have in my diary, I rang the person, asked what I needed to do..give my bank account details..me worrying about having NDIS money go in with my own money said I would need to speak to my bank about fees and costs if I opened another account with them. OK person I am talking to says all I need to do is send them an email with the information she requested and that would be it and it all should be done in a couple of days.
Me gets off that call, and immediately calls my banks and is informed that I can have an account with no card access (yeah) with no fees or costs. I just have to go in and sign for it.
I get off the phone and go into town and open this new account. I have a tumeric latte(trying to not have coffee is not as hard as I thought), went and got some items I wanted at the local supermarket (to make granola bars) and returned home, and immediately sent the email with the information.

PHEW!!

I will put up with feeling tired very weary every evening for this! 4 months of overdue invoices so close to being paid. So many people who have non neurodivergent brains will if they read this far(lol), would be like seriously what a lot of malarkey, it is so simple to do this no big deal no need to write a blog about it nor to feel JOY and HAPPINESS because you almost can pay some invoices seriously Tazzie!
Not even going to respond to them, as the important people now, that there is real joy and happiness in such a seemingly small thing for a neurodivergent brain. I am smiling as I type. As it is truly a beautiful thing.

I add to this joyful post, that I even with little thought sat and began to do some tidying(can someone please explain to me why more mess is made when you tidy? I also instead of just moving things to piles of like with like, actually used some of the boxes(hoard waiting to go outside), to put these things in for example the flower bulbs that have been laying about the area I sit, thankfully not trodden on, are all now in a box which when it is a bit less rainy will be planted.

Same for all the knitting and crochet projects, working on one in its own box, twisted and somehow all caught together balls in another to be separated and sorted then to be put with its own pattern. All the pens, pencils and other art items that were littering the area, are now in a box. Where they can be on a shelf and at some time perhaps sorted. No pressure.


I also stacked the wood I had just dropped at the fire side, into a pile and put the kindling and papers in boxes to the side. Giving space to walk without risk of stubbing a toe. Bliss. Again, small small things, in my world big time stuff.
I did not have this on my plan to day, (well the kitchen was but that is a room with a lot of history for me to deal with in my CPTSD brain area).

Actually I am OK with what I achieved in the kitchen today. I was given a wonderful gift of freshly caught tuna! Red tuna, I was so touched by the generosity as the person who gave it too me had been gifted some and gave me some of his Gift! So I seared this beautiful Tuna on both sides and had it with some vegies (I had vegie and no salad) and man was that a delicious meal. No the washing up has not been undertaken, sorry.

My medication IS working. I am still uncertain if other areas of my me brain are impacted. I had a crazy dream last night but that was most likely the vast number of crackers and Japanese sweets(highly processed and high sugar) I ate last night before going to bed. Even so I slept heavily and long again.

If anyone is reading this who also has/is on slow release ADHD medication and began at 10mg can you let me know how moving to the next level helped or impacted you, I would appreciate it.

So again I am so thankful for the change that has enabled me to be able to focus on one task over three days, and complete it as far as I can!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

2

Do Over.

day 4 ADHD medication.

Hmmm slept so heavily last night, 13 hours, but woke and felt good. My brain was not running at warp speed when I rose and headed down stairs. I made my coffee, and some crumpets with peanut butter and honey on them. The dogs were fed and exercised. Then I knew I had to basically do over yesterday. y.

Loaded up my guys, getting them in their harnesses. (this always means some wonderful adventure when we go out in the car). So they were both bouncing happily. I drove and planed what to do. I had to pick up the bag I had left at the cafe yesterday and well I parked the car, crossed the street and my intent was to just pick up the bag. Then impulsively I ordered a mug of coffee and a wee jelly cake. I enjoyed the cake and should have left some of the coffee. I enjoyed about half of it. I did not leave any. When I left I had to go and get some items across the road. Only to find that the shop was not open on this Saturday morning. Ah well. Then I felt my heart racing a bit. Was I annoyed?

I returned to the car, and drove to the local animal/rural supply store. Got my dogs out, and walked them up the road (they are allowed in the store). A wee and sniff, then I heard someone call my name and how lovely some friends were there getting some timber fence poles and a gate. We chatted had a laugh the dogs got cuddles, we said bye and into the store we headed. I had to pick up the meat for them that I was too early for yesterday(the whole reason I had come to the larger town further from my home).


I love that I can take the dogs inside, they love it. As all the bags of dog and cat food are laying on pallets, and the smell of chook food, and rabbit food, and all the other dogs that visit is exciting and tires them out. They get weighed when we visit, to keep an eye on them both as they get older. I purchased my meat, and the dogs got their treats, Another reason why they love visiting. Then we headed back in the direction we had come from.

Instead of going home, I impulsively went to the smaller town closer to home. Unloaded the dogs and walked up the main street. I have no idea why I decided to do this, I needed nothing and I did not buy anything. We just walked up the main street. We did run into our neighbours who are working on a building they have purchased for a business in town. A short walk and chat with them and then back in the car and home.

I have to say it was good to get home. I stacked some wood. Leaving only about 4.75 tons to complete, filled the wood box and came inside. I was pleased I completed that task and getting the stuff from town. I then sat down to attend to some bills that I get funded for and have taken over the self management of. Rather than someone else being paid to do it. I have not been able to get into it, but this afternoon I just sat at my computer and read the information that I had been oblivious had been sent to me. Logged into the area I needed to be and began to pay some outstanding invoices. It was actually for me today simple. Not so good when the invoices were rejected.

Turns out you have to have the money in an account to do it this way, and well I have not had the money transferred to me, at this point in time. So I have popped that I need to contact the office on Monday to have this organised. I just probably also need to chat to my bank to see how much it will cost if I have another bank account. I am not overwhelmed, or anxious, frustrated or feeling anyway negative. I am proud that I worked it out did it and have planned the next step in ensuring I can pay my invoices. That I feel is the medication at work. I was able to focus totally; on something I have been procrastinating and anxious about for over 5months. Sure its not finished, but that is now on the plan and I will be alerted on Monday to remind me to contact the office.

I may not have planted the broad beans, or began the kitchen. I did cook myself from scratch a really healthy delicious meal for my dinner, even going out to pick some herbs and make the mushroom sauce from scratch for over the chicken. I have some left over for pasta later in the week, and the vegies that are left over will be lovely added to some mince for a savoury mince dish. Wow. I am pretty sure that is the work of the medication. I have not cooked anything involving herbs from my garden and making a sauce from scratch(even though it was pretty simple) for way too long. I like the feeling.

So I have not created a huge list each day, I have been achieving at least one or two things of my list on top of the regulars, like dogs exercise(which I am aiming to be me walking with them instead of me driving and they run). Along with preparing the soaked portion of their food the night before. Tick tick, garbage bin is a weekly occurrence in and out. Along with bed at such and such a time is the aim. Read for a while and light out. That is my basic daily /weekly list. I have transferred the kitchen and broad beans to tomorrow. Actually I have reminded myself I want to soak the beans over night and then sow them. a task for tonight.
So far the structure is sort of working. I am realising that why I perhaps stayed as a RN for so many years was that there is a structure to your shift. No matter where I worked, be it in community, in mental health, rehab, ICU emergency, there was a process to every thing we have to attend to in caring for the people we do.

I have worked in offices, and well I managed but my desk was messy and disorganised to the others eyes, and generally I could find what was required. I was never terminated from an office job, or a sales position. I was even promoted, but I never wanted or aimed to be a managerial level even in nursing. I was in charge of aged care facilities on night shifts when I worked, but it was not quite the same as being in charge during a day shift, as no other interactions ie with doctors physios, admin, family, and rarely phone calls to deal with. I feel for most of my working career when I began to feel as if I could not manage I would find a new job and then resign. I once tried to be the President of a community organisation, and well my brain was not designed for that I felt as if I was pushed under the bus, and way out of my depth, as if there is a whole secret way and code of how to do that sort of thing, and I was not in the group who knew! not an odd feeling for me throughout my life I have to say.

Oops I have sort of gone off on a tangent there, but being able to do the task online, and fill the required documents in and complete them along with send them. Even though they were rejected was a Massive achievement for me today and well it does all kind of tie in.
In just how not knowing I had ADHD for ALL my working life and all my life and somehow managed. But to know why I struggled and why I knew I could NOT ever really be a manager or Nurse in Charge full time, not because I was hopeless but because my brain is not wired that way is great news. I am not sure how my life in my work situation may have been different is I was diagnosed and that is where I see absolutely NO purpose in even pondering it.

When I was attempting to undertake this paying the invoices before just the trying was exhausting and cause me so much anxiety and frustration at my incompetence in not being able to take the information in, or find what I needed too. Weirdly all the information was at my fingertips, and in my emails. My brain is an amazing thing. If this is how the medication may help me I am quietly hopeful, still frightened that something may be lost that made me me, and I like the me before I began this medication. It has been a positive day and I am thankful.

blessings to You Tazzie.

Please not all the information is shared here, is my personal experience/opinion/feelings. Please do not share any information/content without my consent thank You.

2

ADHD medication Day1 Bugger!

Waking this morning to a warm autumn morning sunshine with grey clouds intermittently. 19dC forcast maximum. I rise as normal, see the cube shaped white medication bottle sitting on the shelf. As fearful as I am about taking medication that will impact my brain, with hope yet also the opposite. I unscrew the child proof cap, remove the safety foil and see the small slow release capsules inside. What do these wee capsules hold for me. I take one as per directed and now I wait. Well no not really I go downstairs, make a coffee and breakfast, take the dogs out and for a run. Chat to my neighbours, noting I am speaking quite rapidly, (two hours into the day) and uncertain if this is normal for me.

I phone a family member, and they impart I seem to be manic in my conversation.
I had a small feeling of my hand I was writing some notes with early in the morning getting a wee tingling numb..just for a few moments.
I called in to a friends up the road, I drove up, my head is feeling heavy. I note again my conversation is full on…but I am not hogging the conversation.
It is about midday when I return home and reversing my car into my drive I knocked over a timber post and reversed into the woodpile. Totally not paying any attention to anything. Yes I definitely should NOT be driving and will not be for the next day or two. Very happy to have not damaged my car or anyone else/s property.

I have not achieved anything really today to demonstrate any rapid change in focus. Though I have hung the washing that was in my machine for two days out, and bought majority of it in as it dries. It is now 15:00 my overwhelming feeling right now is weariness and a heavy head. just wanting to close my eyes and sleep. I had planned to deal with some financial issues I need to as I now manage my funds myself on my pension. This is not potentially happening, and right now I wonder to I just lay down and go with the weariness or try to move through it. Interestingly I am finding that my words are coming relatively easily but I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I was expecting nothing really and just paying attention to what feelings/sensations ect occured. I have eaten twice today, so far not massive and both times sandwiches banana and peanut butter, then ham tomato lettuce and mayo..though i followed that with too many savoury biscuits dipped in a chocolate cream sauce I made. (WTF)! It was very tasty and I enjoyed it. Im struggling to think what I have drunk so far, and know I Have had two large cups of coffee white, (normal) and one large cup of tea with sugar. At least one cup of water but now I need to get up and have more water. Consequence of the savoury chocolate biscuits or lack of water or indeed the medication? Sigh too many possibilities.

So the end of the day well actually logically the next morning as I have to document it all down up to the going to bed. which I did at the time I have in my alerts. Over the years since I stopped working and began to understand my CPTSD and health physical and mental needs I realised the best time for me to be able to function at a level where my dogs, chooks and most of the time personal needs were met. Bugger the house and my go to place the garden was hit or miss so often.

Not to have damaged my newly bought (old second hand) vehicle was such a positive and fixing the damage well is relatively simple. (as the rain we have been having has made the soil very wet; which in turn is the very real reason why my treasured vehicle was not damaged. Phew.

blessing to You, Tazzie




1

ADHD Medication it was the night before..

Tonight I am living in hope of what might be. Tomorrow morning after I take my first slow release tablet for my ADHD. I try to convince myself I am not dreaming of miracles, and in a few days, I will just be able to do what so many non ADHD folk take for granted. That phenomenon of just being able to keep on top of caring for a home and life. Yet for the first time ever in my life I am scared to take this medication. The fears of what IT may do to my brain, and thus me. I make the choice to not go down that particular rabbit hole of angst tonight.

In the assessment with the Psychiatrist for ADHD as I recalled so much of how I was a child, teenager, and young adult.
Constant in my head comments and feedback of ..”if she concentrated more she would do so much better” (from teachers whose classes I did not enjoy), or , stopped chatting/misbehaving she would do even better (from the teachers whose classes I did really well in). I recall my German teacher sending me to the Headmasters office for my disrupting the class, and being made to sit outside the Head Masters office…because the Head Master, said he was struggling with me as I was first in the year (not just my class) and he was at a total loss. Back then in the late 70’s girls did not have ADHD so it was not even considered.

I recall in my high school being told in my economics class by a very patient teacher to go and stand outside the class room by the fire hydrant(which hung on the wall). Me being me had been making the class laugh and was disruptive… I stood by the fire hydrant on the wall, then discovered something. The class was chuckling as the teacher was writing on the blackboard with his back to them. He turned to see what the class was laughing at, followed their eyes and saw me…standing at the door of the classroom with the fire hydrant in my arms. I imagine I had a pretty smart alec look on my face. This poor teacher could do nothing and ended up laughing and telling me to put it back and to come back in and TRY to just settle down!.

Memories from my early years, with parents, being told I did not listen, that I did not pay attention. To clean up my messy room and getting into serious trouble for Not doing it.

Uni at 30 and my assignments generally left to the night before to be written up. Comments always if I had someone proofread for spelling and punctuation etc, I would have got better grades, (having gained a Distinction), you could also tell really easily which subjects I enjoyed or not.

I had many jobs and my final career as a Registered Nurse lasted for over 20 years and perhaps the fact there was some structure to being a RN, routines of patient care, medications, charts to keep a record and notes…kept me able to maintain this position especially when I stopped being in management level (which I honestly can say I am really surprised I managed to do without causing major issues). I recall when managing an aged care facility I knew I was really close to failing..things were beginning to not be working so well as changes from new owners came in. I went back to being a ward nurse and the relief I felt was massive.

I have always struggled to connect with people, somehow feeling that I just never had the key to unlock that world. I have friends, but at times it has been so hard to maintain the friendship, and over the years as I have moved many times, and as often happens friendships do not always follow, at least that has been my experience.

I am not a naturally neat person in appearance and never have been. Even as a child I was critisiced for not doing my hair..(baby fine and impossible to keep smooth) by a parent. My family was all about appearances and well I was basically always a mess, no matter how much effort I put into it. Even as a teenager, a nurse I was never well put together. I just never had the ability to look correct. I had the right uniforms, and always began clean and neat..but ..laughing. Now Well I accept it along with the bonus of where I live and my lifestyle..I fit in and very few people care about how you look or what you are wearing, a joy! I am clean but end up with stuff somehow adhering to me.

I struggled at times with bills and accounts. These days I am fine and pay them as I get them fully (I am very fortunate I can) and sometimes will pay more if I have excess such as for electricity. (actually that is the only bill I get that is quarterly). I know how fortunate I am to own my home outright and have no debts. Particularly in these scary times for so many. Australian me included are feeling the costs of food inflation, we have massive rent increases and interest rates increasing for mortgages and loans.

I feel my poor brain is wound up tonight all over the place, combined with anxieties in regard to the beginning of this new medication tomorrow morning. Even just typing that my mouth went very dry. Am I holding out so much for some miracle and what might happen if it does not? Is this how everyone as an adult who begins ADHD medication feels?

I want to document the process and impact/effects of the meds, as so often it can be so difficult at times to know or see for yourself where you have come from to where you are in a week/month year, or if you have to go off them.

It took me ages to find the anti-depressant that helped me through it was horrendous trialing several meds but wow, when I finally found the one right for me, and moved through the first 8weeks I am eternally grateful to have had it. Very happy to not need it now.

So I am two minds I’m tired, Its been a busy week so far and a busy day today for me, but I am also quite wired, and I feel just full of words and bursting to attempt to document where I am beginning from. After 60 years 60 YEARS! It feels a bit like Christmas eve as a child…the excitement of what tomorrow holds. I am so weird..I have never had this attitude to any medication before. Yet I am also filled with fear that nothing will happen. The thoughts will I feel different an hour after or two or later in the day…that night, the next day, a week is it sort of instant? Or more like the ant-depressant? Eight weeks till it kicked in. No I am not going down that rabbit hole!

You would think a RN would know. Do I google it? I should read the document I was given by the pharmacist about it but then I worry that the negative symptoms will appear, and if I don’t know what they are apart from the suggestion to not take the medication after 12noon for it might keep me awake..which is why I am beginning tomorrow and not today.

Ah well in my childhood I would get me to bed so I could get to sleep and wake up to all the possibilities that the morning may have in store. Oh yes my ADHD brain is working overtime right now…I am so thankful I did not take this tablet today!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

5

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