No such thing as a simple life on my one acre in Tasmania with my two dogs.I try to grow food, wrangle chickens and the native and non native wildlife share the land I call home. Life with CPTSD and ADHD not been easy so I share about it all. Low income, a bit frugal, real life My Life.
The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.
Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind). I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.
I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.
My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf? It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them! The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!
Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.
I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.
My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air. My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things. It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.
When you live in the other hemisphere, and many of the news stories are of the fires in Spain, France, Portugal and many other locations in Europe, that England has had Red alerts for EXTREME Heat. Knowing what that feels like, the heat and fear of bush fires(wild fires) yet; Living in my world I woke to a rather unusual sight snow on the hills across the river the lowest it has been dusting the trees on the closest hill and settling on the ground. Weather advice is for gale force winds and maximum 7dC/33.8 fahrenheit. Overnight it hit -2dC/28.4dC at 7am. We have been cruising so far this winter, mild really, yet now mid winter as it is according to the months is making us very aware down in my valley that Winter is still here with some beauty. When you have snow so occasionally it is such a treat, even those who are stuck due to road closures do not really mind. Here sitting inside as it is way to wet for me out in the garden. The fire is toasty the dogs have eaten their bones after a run. My heart aches for those impacted and fearful of the wildfires. I know the possibility is so real in my beautiful valley home. I have watched plumes of smoke rising seen flames just across the river, had ash falling on my home, and land, burnt leaves, thankfully not burning still. I empathise for all in these situations.
Yet even with the snow covered lower mountains, nature is doing as she does, I picked my first jonquil (damaged by the wind and broken) her scent is sublime and she is such a pure white. I have placed her in my toilet, where her natural perfume (it is a very cool room which always has an open window) and when ever I go in it is so lovely. Both in looks and perfume one flower stem is long lasting and perfumes the room so well.
The Hellebore are just flowering. This one is white with purple spotty lines inside. So lovely and best the Wallabies and possums seem to not eat it.
As dusk falls and I have tended all the animals as well my own dinner. (I eat rather early) I have the wood fire stoked and I know I am so fortunate, to live with so much and have so much. To be able to live with nature is a privilege. I am very aware of how quickly this all may change. I hold onto the moments, and am very thankful.
I have had a beautiful day today until mid afternoon. I was in my kitchen cooking, (yes I do cook in amongst my hoarders mess). I happened to look out my window and it looked like someone was standing in my paddock, which borders the road. Sometimes I can have trouble with my eyes playing tricks on me with depth of field. As I was not certain, as anyone would, I moved out side to where I could ascertain if they were on my property or not. At first I had no idea who it was and it was just about the moment I was about to ask what the fuck they were doing when I realised it was a neighbour. Taking photos of the sky. I said Hi (instead of screaming what the hell do You think you are doing on my property), and even though I felt some disquiet about someone being on my property; knowing it was my neighbour felt better and I decided to just leave it.
As the afternoon progressed into the early evening I found myself angry and becoming fixated on a particular post (on a couple of pages ) on facebook and basically was very negative and questioning everything that the organisation did. When I wrote my own post putting my personal opinion on this organisation and all its ‘faults’, and then responding to comments I began to see I was angry and fixated. I was placing my anger in the wrong direction and I was feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I deleted all the posts and comments I was able too. The original post had been removed by either the admin or OP. I had not been abusive, or sworn it was just the person who comes out in me when I am triggered. Not an excuse I am owning up to my actions that can result from being triggered. Taking the dogs for a walk and returning home, I was still feeling full of something, anger tension and frustration, and then I began to realise I felt violated, disrespected and a bit abused. Big sigh as I write this, and when I began to realise what was really happening. I understand the desire to quickly grab your camera and capture the few moments of beauty, I do it myself all the time. Difference being I respect peoples land and homes.
I really noted how bad I was feeling my anger tightness in my chest and head, I even recall saying I was feeling a headache coming on as I said hi to my neighbour. I did not remain outside and chat in a pleasant and friendly way as if I had seen her across the fence. I returned inside and finished getting my baking underway. I noted feeling so increasingly something..frustrated angry disrespected…sigh all those things. I was not OK I was struggling and had been triggered I was struggling for a while to contain the feelings. It was pressure cooker building inside of me.
I did not desire to have a face to face dealing over the matter. As in my current hyper aroused situation I would have been potentially volatile. NOT physically but certainly verbally.
I did stop, collected myself and full of nausea and heart beating so loudly I could hear it reverberating my mouth dry shoulders and hands tight I opened messenger on Facebook. I wrote the following:- the first line was their name and it was supposed to read I was not going to say anything(my typing perhaps shows how I was feeling at the time).
Right now I do not want to know the response. I do not want to look at it, read it or have to deal with it. I am thinking it will be an apology, and then I think is that enough! Is that what I want. The real answer is NO I do not want an apology, I do not need an apology, or what ever the response will be. I can not imagine this would have happened on someone else’s home, (of course I may be incorrect) but my feelings now are why disrespect my personal boundaries my property, my privacy, my home. I am not OK with it. I am not traveling well with it. I want YOU to hear my words, to feel what I am feeling and now to KNOW I WILL NOT ALLOW you or anyone else to do what you wish in regard to me and my home. I will worry and try not to imagine how often this may have occurred previously, and how much of my privacy is real! That last comment hits me like I have just hit a brick wall. As well as I am and as well as I am doing off my medication I have to acknowledge I DO have a mental illness. I have to stand up for ME and MY NEEDS, regardless of what others may think or feel. I am the only person who knows what is best for my well being and what makes me content and happy.
I do not believe that valuing my personal space, my home and land as my safe and secure place is about my mental illness in total. I do believe that most people are the same. For me my home and land is like my total security, a fortress and perhaps the only place where I have control over some things. I also feel and believe most people would feel somewhat affronted in having a person just appear on their land or garden taking photos. (recall I did not know who it was for a while). Perhaps tomorrow I will read the reply if there is one. I do fear that my neighbour may attempt to make personal contact with me and that would be another trigger for me. tonight I am not in any place to deal with face to face or written response. Tomorrow I am planning to leave take the dogs and have time away from my sanctuary. The place I come to when I feel triggered and need safety. I am struggling and am thankful I do not have any funds as I have been tempted to flee this afternoon to a dog friendly accommodation to avoid any potential face to face. Yet we are friendly we are good neighbours and they have had me over and treated me as family over the years. I do not want to loose that. I do have desire to run away..flee. I am thankful I can not. I am thankful I can post here and share this real life experience. The reality of life with CPTSD, with anxiety with my mental illness. I am so proud that off my medication I have managed to make myself find a way to express my feelings and redirect them to the appropriate situation/person. I am so happy I was able to realise what my anger and posts on Facebook were actually about. Removing them and directing a resonable message to the right person.
I am proud I have achieved so much this evening, I will try to redirect the angst I am still feeling over the what ifs and future contacts. I have not reached for high sugar simple carbohydrates to stuff the feelings and hurt down. That is something to be proud of. I am thankful I can write about this experience which is sort of a debriefing for me. I am proud in the knowledge that I have asserted myself well and wisely to the person involved.
Hi here I am and what a couple of weeks it has been since I last posted. I had a few replies to my emails in regard to issues of accessibility for rural and remote rural people who need to see a psychiatrist. The huge costs now involved for anyone even Pension card holders and unemployed will now have to pay several hundred dollars for an initial psychologist or psychiatrist appointment and receive a rebate that means a large out of pocket expense on a service that was bulk billed up until late 2021. My cost to see a psychiatrist was I thought going to be $200, and I would be rebated about $60 back arrgh was bad enough. I was actually devastated when informed I needed to see a new psychiatrist and this would now cost me $600! I blanked out the rebate but it was only a small proportion of the cost. Let me put that into focus. My monthly pension from NDIS is $1890 roughly. I own my home out right, I have no debts. I will struggle to find this amount. How anyone else on a pension or unemployment a student will be able to afford it makes me incredibly distressed and anxious for their well being. Not sure if things will change but here in Australia we are in a Federal Election year and expect the Prime Minister to announce soon when the Federal election will be. Our process is EXTREMELY different to USA for which I am very grateful. Here the Party and we have three major ones, Liberal who are in power now more right side leaning, Labor the opposition more left side and the Greens who are more left than Labor I guess. It will be a very interesting and frustrating time in the next period of time. I would like to have gone further with the issues and kept emailing people who may really be able to see that this will increase mental health trauma and make many sicker, and potentially self harm. For my own well being I have to minimise my frustration and angst, as it creates issues in my own mental health and how I am managing. All I can do is hope that things will get better in regard to this disgraceful situation for the people who really need support and access to mental health professionals and now can not afford it.
I had a physical issue occur three weeks a go. I had been sitting on my lounge with my knee bent under me, and I realised I had hurt something inside my knee. I was caring for my knee and myself (having been a RN) I knew what was good. It was healing and going fairly well. I could weight bare on it, I could bend it and straighten it with a little pain. I was not needing any support to walk on it I was just cautious. I let the dogs out one night and when they returned inside I turned after closing the door, only to suddenly find myself on the floor. My knee had given out on me. I knew that was a concern. Though right at that precise moment I had other concerns.
There are very few positives when you are a hoarder. I however was unharmed from the fall as I landed on a pile of clothes. (no they had not contributed nor had I tripped over anything) The access from the door to living area is a clear path with crap on the sides. I had fallen at an angle, thankfully the clothes stopped me potentially hurting myself even more. I was now laughing, as I could see both my dogs just looking at me, like what you doing down there Mamma? I was bewildered as to what had happened and how I was going to get up. I managed it not exactly sure, needs certainly must.
I realised my knee had given out, and now it hurt. I put my injured knee to the floor and I could walk on it but gingerly. Depending on how it was positioned it hurt more. I realised it was not brilliant, but it was not so bad that I was too worried about it that night. I took some anti inflammatory medication and paracetamol, slept well but even in sleep felt pain when I moved into certain positions. On waking the next morning I made the decision my knee was not badly injured, I could manage going up stairs one at a time good leg first and holding tightly to the rails. Coming down was not as painful or difficult. As I have steps to come in and out of the house, this situation raised concern, along with the fear of my knee giving out again at any time depending on how I moved my leg. I was not in a lot of pain, just at times if I moved my leg in a way and my knee responded in a very negative ooops Nope.
I live out of town, no public transport, taxis, and not sure about Uber (but I could not afford Uber to Hobart anyway or a taxi). I then began to worry about my dogs. I really knew my only choice was to head to the public hospital in Hobart. As the nearest radiography business was 50km away and I would have to go to my GP get an appointment get to Kingston, then return. Meaning a lot of in and out of a vehicle. If anything was needed I may still end up at the public hospital Royal Hobart anyway. The decision was not difficult for me, I tried to see if any friend or neighbour may be able to take me. Nope. OK. I really began to be concerned about the dogs. It was too hot for them to be in a car in a car park(which would be super noisy and smelly) for who knew how long, better they were at home. Though sometimes you can be waiting 15+ hours to be seen at the Royal emergency depending on what was happening and this was not really an emergency. I tried to see if the dogs could go to a friends they were not home. I was in pain at the end of my abilities having tried to find a solution for the dogs, as I knew I could drive myself (which is why I did not take any medication) my car is an automatic and it was the leg I did not need to drive my car, how fortunate was that. I must have cried as I finished the call to my friend. I had just sat overwhelmed worried for my dogs being locked up inside the house all day and potentially into the night and maybe longer. As I began to work out logistics, I had decided the worst case scenario would be I would have terrible mess to clean up on my return. I decided to make a huge effort and take the dogs for a run (me driving the car ) before I left so hopefully they would use their bowels. Success one less worry. Now what to use as a crutch or support for me to be able to get from the car park to the hospital? I was sitting on the lounge and next thing the dogs are barking someone is on my deck and opening the door. I am freaking out so mortified that someone is coming into my home (hoarders house no one allowed in). I loose it. and flee. well end up turning my back on her and just sobbing please get out get out please! she does I am now hysterical and the dogs are perplexed and distressed at my sobs. All I can now think about is she knows how bad my house is NOOOOOooo.
I sit for what feels like an eternity, reassure the dogs and find a broom to use as a crutch. Broom tucked under my arm the plastic knob on the handle end is pointed and at that point in time I don’t notice. I sneak a look out the window hoping that my neighbour has gone. She has. I hobble to the car, leaving my dogs inside.
I drive to Hobart, find a parking spot as close to the elevators closest to the hospital side of the car park. I go down into a part of a busy mall the broom under my arm, the head of the soft indoor broom down on the floor firmly supporting me. I swept as I hobbled out through the mall, up to the traffic lights, crossed the road, and down a very steep entrance drive for ambulances and pedestarians to the Emergency entrance. Mask on the whole way, I was incredibly fortunate, that it seemed there was only one person waiting but of course you have no idea how many people or how serious they are already in the department. What I did know having worked at emergency and hoped it had not changed much was that lunch breaks start about 11:30 and I was there at 10:30, people wanting a sick certificate for work would have been or were being seen. That very few work accidents happen so early in the morning at work. No major vehicle accidents had happened. It was too early for school accidents too. Sometimes it pays to have some knowledge. I waited in the waiting area maybe 10 mins 15max. Then me and my broom went in and the Nurse practitioner was efficient and too my surprise no BP TEmp OBs were taken. Wow somethings had changed for the better. I mean ambulant patient not complaining of feeling ill does not need those. I waited maybe an hour for an X ray, which was taken and showed there may be a small tear of my meniscus of my knee. Or it may have been the way my trousers were impacting the X ray? I would be contacted if I needed a review. Nurse Practitioner did some movements of my knee cap and nothing hurt bad enough to make me squeal. This surprised him, and when I had told him about the activity where it hurt most as in up from sitting standing position, and climbing up stairs, and my now phobia about falling due to knee giving way. This was the main reason I had presented. It was decided that crutches for a week and when I was weary form moving without them. Some resting off it when it was aching or painful, but using it was the best remedy. I was offered some medication to have now, but as I had to drive home and strangely Ibuprofen and paracetamol make me tired. I ask if I could have something a bit stronger, and was only able to have provided 8 Panadine forte on script. I just wanted to be able to sleep completely pain free that night.
I was fitted with crutches, and released. All up three and half hours. WOW! As I was leaving I noted that the emergency room waiting area was full now as was the area behind where I was now discharged from. I made my way back to the car park, paid the $6 and as I lowered myself into the car pulling the crutches across me and angled safely in the passenger seat. I buckled up, very relieved, exhausted and hungry (I had eaten nothing and had one glass of water ). As I had to get the script for Panadine forte filled I went to a local cafe, a coffee and food as I waited. Two friends were there and we had a lovely visit under the shade of the trees with the heat surrounding us. I left not too long later picked up my medication and home.
If only someone could sell that feeling: Driving into your driveway, getting out of the car, opening the front door and being greeted exuberantly by two warm beings who love you so much. My heart was so overwhelmed and my soul exhausted I began to cry as I let the dogs sniff my new helpers. Tears running down my face as I hobbled up the steps went inside, I fed my dearest beings in my life. Knowing that it was very doubtful I would be getting up very soon once I threw myself down on my mattress on the floor(yes it is still down stairs on the floor after Busby’s operation). Making life with a banged up knee much easier. I had opened the door out on the deck so the dogs could go in and out if needed. I now had taken medication for pain and inflammation. I woke up seven hours later. Two dogs pressing hard into each side I was pinned down on the bed under the sheet. The fan going and the sun setting no cool breeze. SIGH… in describable contentment and happiness at that moment.
My knee is getting back to pre injury, not sure my thoughts of trusting it are. I believe that is pretty normal. I am so thankful I was not worse off. I am so thankful I am content, I am so thankful my dogs were fine, I am so thankful to have friends and people I could call. I am especially thankful that I did not allow myself to feel that I had no friends, no-one to help me, and go down that path I have often feeling so worthless. I am thankful I am strong, independent able to think logically and rationally when plans change. Not letting my anxiety take over.
Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.
Day 15. I know some of my readers have been missing my ‘normal posts’. I have been thinking about this a lot; I woke up this morning I decided to share my garden as it is right now. Heading towards the end of summer here where I live in the Tasmania’s Southern most Council in Australia. I can not explain how different I am to how I was just three weeks ago. I am one very lucky woman, I as any of you have been reading my withdrawal posts know am doing cold turkey of the medication. Not deliberately but through situational a comedy of errors so to speak. You can read about that here https://wordpress.com/post/echidna.home.blog/7015
My vegetable garden is a sad representation of its normal self. A combination of how I was feeling on my medication, Busby my larger dog having a Cruciate Ligament operation, and no rain since December/very early January has impacted a lot. My deck garden has been cared for and I am learning so much what I can grow on it and the possibilities for next spring and summer. I am planning and have planted seeds with the aim to have beets, carrots, brassicas and a few other bits and pieces from my deck.
Carrot seedsFlowersVery sad salviaRed cabbage (i think)HydragenaUnknown brassicaUnknown seedling in a failed lemon tree pot I have put in be see
My front entrance garden is basically just dirt. I have watered and fed it, the fact that my garden is one of the very few now in my area that is accessible and provides the native and non natives food and greens along with seeds and my veggie waste sees the front of my home at times a bit like Dr Doolittle’s or at least how I imagine it.
What I am finding as such a positive change is that I am just doing it. I am just getting into clearing mess and dirt including much to my mortification mice droppings and the odd dead one. So far no more nests. Today I began in the kitchen. The floor was/is revolting. I am so please that I have removed so much dirt and mice mess. I went into one of my storage cupboards where I have tinned items. Discovering that mice love labels, I am thankful that they have left parts of at least one, and I know that I stored them in like with like. I will have a few exciting unknown tins. Most of these are beans or tomatoes. I have not done any preserving/bottling of any sort this year. Knowing I had quite a lot of tinned items I had purchased over the last few years on top of the things I had made last year and the year/s before. I am old enough to not care about dates on tinned or jar purchased items. Similar with dried beans. I was taught by my Gran what to look for in bad or suspect tins.
I am set for Autumn and Winter lovelies. I actually feel I could live on my pantry stores for the whole of winter and only have to purchase flour, fresh veggies I might need, meat and dog food. So incredible to have this. I feel so wealthy. I also have plenty of fresh herbs, spices, and if I can ever discover where my hens are laying their eggs, I imagine as last year the dogs and I had enough eggs for our own needs over winter.
It is so hard to attempt to explain to others, that I am beginning to feel like the memories I recall off before my breakdown and how I felt. I need to reassure you that I had ups and downs back then as any normal person. I also experienced bouts of depression over the years with the extremes that implies.
What I am incredibly aware of is the possibility is ever present that once off my medication and completed the withdrawal process, there is always a chance I will need to go on medication.
The difference for me now to previous is I have changed my thinking process. I have worked through and continue to work through the feelings and life issues that created what I have lived with for way too many years. No contact with those who abused and neglected me throughout my life was the biggest intentional change along with telling them they were not welcome in my home ever again. I am also privileged and am very very aware of how fortunate I have been to be seeing at now cost to me ever the same psychologist for several years perhaps four. Someone I respect greatly because as anyone who has mental health illness is aware so often, especially when you are on low income or as I was and remain on Government support. Your psychologist/counsellor/psychiatrist seems to change regularly. Which for me in the past has been detrimental and to have to begin again sees me avoid the whole process. It was also the problem of not connecting with quite a few of the psychologists over the years. I am not one for lectures and homework, goal setting or those positive/mindful platitudes that so many folk have seemed to feel helpful for my mental illness and getting well. If they work for you great. Treatment for mental health illnesses are as varied as the individuals experience of the illness. Under the Disabilty pension I am on now I have access to the National Disablity Insurance Scheme gives me a certain amount of financial access to support and service to enable me to live my life. I am able to continue to see my psychologist. I pay nothing for this and I am able to see her every 3 weeks. We have been Zooming since COVID. I am appreciative as I do not have to do a return trip to Hobart every 3 weeks a round trip of almost 200kms. We are also currently paying over $1.85AUD/1.34 USD/ 1GBP/1.19euro per liter/0.26th gallon(1 gallon is equal to 3.74 litres, so one gallon of petrol cheapes andlowest rated in Australia cost $6.92AUD/$5.00USD) so for the cheapest petrol pump your own. The petrol station in Cygnet(closest village to me) has a full service petrol station. I am not aware of the price there but is several cents a litre more expensive. Oops of on a tangent. I will have a face to face appointment in a few months probably.
For me I am delighted with how I am feeling, and doing things, even with the negative withdrawal symptoms of coming suddenly off Desvenalfaxine/Pristiq. There are some that continue such as joint and muscle pain, and short shape pains like a needle prick regularly. I am still a little dizzy at times and or light headed. I am no longer nauseous. I still feel cold often and no my iron levels and all other vitamin levels that impact your body feeling cold nor am I menopausal. We are having warm humid weather summertime here!. I put it down to withdrawing. I continue to not be hungry and eating simple but pretty healthily. I cooked a whole chicken and generally eating a chicken wrap with salad. Nuts and some apples from last year. (new seasons coming Yipee). Or as tonight I made a beef laska from my left over roast. I have to really work at myself to get to bed at good time for me. Lights out no later than 10:30pm. Preferably earlier.
As the withdrawal symptoms play around with me, I know that considering I stopped cold turkey I have been very fortunate with how little they have really impacted me. For this I am so appreciative. I know that I am one of the lucky ones so far with my experience of sudden withdrawal.
Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.
Day 13 I have not slept now for over 40 hours. I have had a lovely day today. I met up with a friend and had a coffee. Took the dogs for a walk down near Port Huon and had lunch at bakery in Geeveston I went shopping at the Tip Shop looking for items I can begin to paint and mosaic. It is not good. I have been on a bit of a spending spree. No regrets, and I did pay for 5 new tyres outright. I have had to force myself to get stop watching the news from so many countries in regard to that war. Have I eaten well today ahhh not really. Fruit vegies, eggs and a lot of icecream and sugar.
I was triggered and reacted. Driving through Huonville (the largest town in my area) I slowed down to let traffic get out of a really horrible intersection onto the highway. The older guy probably my age, but I’M not old; came right up behind me, even though he had been several car lengths behind me, and HOOOONKED his horn..it worked well he should be very proud. I had let the two cars onto the highway, and began to drive off in the southward direction I was heading in. The owner of the horn, tail gated me. Well not liking his bullying tactics, his impatience and his just arrogance, I slow down to 40km /25milesP/H approx. It was a 50km/31MPH speed limit and he honked me again. As I was approaching the 80km/50mph speed sign I just enjoyed my leisurely travel at 58km/36MPH speed. Enjoying the scenery of the river, and thinking about how much I will miss seeing this view as a new housing development.suburb is being built and will most likely block the view. I continued driving relaxed and singing along to one of my faviourite artists. Sitting on the 60km/37MPH speed. A lovely drive able to observe all the homes, and how many blackberries were on the bushes, if there were any wild apple trees loaded with ripening fruit tempting me to stop at on the way home.
So relaxed. I did look in the rear view mirror surprised to see my old proud Horn man still behind me. Nah I knew he was still there. I kept on driving looking at the scenery and enjoying a leisurely outing with my dogs. It is a very pretty drive along the Huon River. Quite a winding road. I sang along to my artist on the CD(yep Im old). I was very chillaxed. I noticed the tip shop/tip on the way and decided to stop in on the way home. On we drove. My man with the Horn behind me, a little too close I felt but then he was wanting to go around me I am certain. Oh dear other vehicles coming towards us on the broken white line (where he could over take me). I have to be honest I did have a lovely chuckle at this. Onwards I drive, thinking about just what a lovely morning I am having really enjoying my day so far. The dogs were chilled. A mindful drive, relaxed and observing. Perfect.
Another opportunity for my horny friend to be able to get around me coming up. I could see he was getting his speed up and I am not a nice woman…I chuckled more vehicles coming towards us where he could have gone around me easily.
A while later my mate had pulled of the road. Perhaps frustrated enough to call the police. I do know he took a photo of my cars rear end with rego plate. It would not give any idea of the speed, and my car needs a wash, she is not looking her best.
I just kept driving at the speed I had been, sure there had been a bit of a line up behind me, and several cars over the course of the next several opportunities to overtake did so safely and responsibly. All the while I had not increase my speed. As I say I was really enjoying the leisurely pace. I was not doing it out of annoyance at Mr Proud Horn. I was enjoying my drive. After 23kms/14miles. I turned off the highway into the Geeveston shopping precinct. Popped in to a new aquaintance I had met at Christmas times bakery, that had been opened only two weeks. A huge slice of quiche, and an apple turn over in my bag and back into the car. Thinking where next. Return home but first I would pull in at Port Huon park and go down near the sailing club. Let the dogs out for a wee and sniff as I ate the tasty delicious, Huge piece of quiche just looking up the river, at the gray clouds and mist where Huonville was hiding under. Satiated back into the car next stop the tip shop. (locals take their rubbish if they do not have pick up) and items they do not want to anymore and the tip shop sells them.
After doing my quibbling over price, and delighted with it, paid my bill and homeward bound. Me singing along to my CD and Miss Treacle perhaps trying to stop me from singing with her paw. Home fed the chooks and the dogs. I began to do some painting which I was enjoying. I was trying to just let go and not be tight in my body as I painted. I Like what I did and am excited to feel like and acting on being creative. Tomorrow I am feeling that I will do some work on sorting out and getting rid off stuff, along with cleaning. Just a small area I have in my mind. Achievable.
Symptom wise, so anger (was I angry at the guy for honking) Personally i feel more that it was to do with his impatience. I did not scream or yell at him or any situation or creatures at all today. Is that an improvement? I want to think it is. Light headedness, but that is probably more about not sleeping for 24 hours at that point. I have an inablity to switch off the computer and go to bed.
I have no stabbing zappy feelings in my hands, feet, legs, arms anymore. My joints have been quite sore as to my muscles. I am still experiencing personal thermostat challenges.
My mind is slowing tonight. I guess exhaustion will assist with that. Have I said no burping or nausea at all. Even feeling as I do, I am much happier with how I feel and not sure how to word this but how I AM doing things. Happy to do a small area of my kitchen tomorrow , if more happens wonderful. My goals are not high in this process. Takes off the need to alphabetise, put all my clothes in colour co-ordinated runs.
I am so so happy I have insight into what this is apart from withdrawal (sudden) off Desvenalfaxine.
I also feel as if my lability is not as prominent. I have not cried more than once today. I am not so happy about the volume of food I consumed today or more so its less than healthy way of eating.
I have had trouble with finding words I am looking for, and my feet are freezing right now, so painful that my broken toe is throbbing. Reminder it is Summer here in Tasmania (well all of Australia).
One thing I have found really strange is the volume of water I am drinking. I have recently had fasting and the other blood test to check for all diabetes and was great for both. My blood pressure was wonderful for me.
I am thankful that I did not get angry when triggered. I was mischievous but so relaxed.
Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.
Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine). I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol
A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take. I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water. They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker. Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply. My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank. (so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.
The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing. Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it). My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.
Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate) Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights. I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it. I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.
So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .
I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.
The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.
I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.
My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work. I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).
After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing). I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly. I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol So thankful they are safe and home. My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).
It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process. The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.
so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH. Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.
One of the ways I can tell when I may not be doing as well as I have been in regard to my mental illness CPTSD is how I become more sensitive and fixated on one particular aspect in a day. Usually to do with an issue I am struggling with or of that wonderful and terrible thing called Facebook. The beauty of where I am today is that I can pick up the signs pretty early on that this is happening. I will then be able to redirect my focus firstly by acknowledging what is happening, then finding something I enjoy. So as this was happening recently and strangely I had been doing a lot of positive things for my mental health it still creeps up on me.
The weather in Spring in Tasmania can be challenging. We have had the wettest Spring for 50 years. Last week we had a couple of days of 23dC(73df) then the temperature dropped to 7dc(44.6dF) wet and windy. I was warm at home with my wood fire going. A lovely cosy day. I spent to much time on the computer though. So when I woke up the next morning I decided to head into Cygnet for brunch. My battery of the car was flat, (somehow my internal light was left on) I have a charger, and started it up. The dogs and I went in spent time with friends ate, and then I went for a drive to recharge my battery fully.
It was a lovely afternoon.
You could be mistaken for believing that the photo below is from the Swiss Alps; it is Hartz Mountains in Southern Tasmania taken on the 30/10/21 Springtime. Yes I did feel an urge to sing The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music.
A drive through Pelverata is quite beautiful
Pelverata Road Slippery Falls Only visible when a lot of rain
Slippery Falls close up
A little farm on the road, the house is situated in the middle of the hair pin bend and the road goes around it. A lookout has beautiful views.
Battery fully charged, having had a couple of walks with the dogs through the bush. We were all content and I was certainly in a much better place. I may find being with people draining at times, it had been delightful to spend time in the morning with friends. Then to switch off my brains fixation status, and recharge by being out in the world of nature. Smelling the forest and fresh air, hearing the water in the full rivers and even the wee waterfalls at the side of the road created by the heavy and consitent rain we continue to have. I am so blessed by Godess to live where I do. To be able to get in my car and see such beauty.
Life in Tasmania can be challenging for those who first move her. No season is totally what it should be. You carry in your car layers just in case. As the population changes and house prices go though the roof where I live I do fear for so much of our areas as people subdivide land and farmland for the ever growing numbers of people who desire all that I am privileged to have. Yet at the same time excluding our younger generations who are struggling to even afford the rents if they can actually find a rental.
Oops I am off on a tangent Again I am thankful that I am so fortunate and I am especially fortunate to know it, and to feel I am rich beyond belief. (not in a monetary sense.
my hope is You will be content in your lives and if you are struggling reach out. It can be hard, but learning to manage our illnesses emotions reactions is freeing and empowering.
How are you? Me? I am plodding along. Its Thursday evening here 18:46 the sky is filled with grey clouds. The sailing club is out racing and the hills along the river are so green and water filled that it is beyond belief that they can possibly hold anymore water. Yet we are forecast more very wet weather here in my valley. It has been amazing in the spring garden and the bulbs and fruit trees have blossomed so vibrantly. We seem to be having three-four days of very heavy rain and colder temperatures and tomorrow and Saturday are forecast to be single digit (Celcius) maximums. So I have just put some dry (as in not wet) but very dry (as in not green) wood ready to if need by light the fire in the morning. Snow forecast down to 600m(1967f) tomorrow in some areas too. Up to 40mm (1.6 inches) rain forecast in my valley. The preceding days were gorgeous, blue skies, still and hot. Lovely. I was working in the garden removing black berries roots and vines that were bursting into tendrils wrapping themselves about the chook runs fence and about one of my hazelnut bushes. Makes for very risky picking. Chuckle. Have you ever tried to dig out blackberry roots by hand? Oh my did my shoulder neck arms hands and fingers ache last night. It was a good ache and I slept so soundly. (which as one of the very lucky people in the world is not unusual for me). It was the sleep of having been doing hard slog! (physical work) I am extremely out of practice in that. I was covered in mud as the soil even after two days of dry weather was very wet.
I must say it was delightful to be able to have lunch on my deck with my two besties in the wonderful sunshine yesterday, listening to the birds, and watching the birds bathe in the bird bath.
I do believe in the power of sunshine and physical exercise as being extremely important for my mental illness. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) along with physical well being. What is really hard for many people to truly understand mental illness along with those physical illnesses that do not have symptoms that can be seen is that those like myself can seem to be fine on the out side and yet be dealing with a lot just to be present out and about.
For example I went to pick up a package today from my little towns post office. I had been and attended to other things in town that morning along with taking the dogs for a walk in town enjoying the sunshine. I was chatting to the staff member and she was assisting me with a problem that had occurred; an item I had received at the post office a few days before had not been in the package. It had been packed but the package had torn. I had struggled to get in touch with Australia Post to see if the item missing had been located. I had spent ages on the phone 16 attempts to get through, which frustrated me. I had also attempted to contact the correct area via the Australia Post website. To be told that oops something went wrong, and to try back in a few minutes. I tried numerous times over the next few hours. Each time having to go through the complete process. Again I was feeling quite annoyed now. The good thing here is I was able to accept the problems as frustrated as I was and just emailed the Federal Government Minister who is in charge of Australia Post as a communication method for Australians, owned by the Government.
I may be seen as a Karen, but I wrote a very honest and factual email of the situation.
So the kind lady at my Post office was helping and contacted the people who bring the mail from the main sorting area in a suburb of Hobart to see if they had found anything. In the middle of this I found myself having a panic attack, sweats, heart palpitations and hands shaking. Oh how I dislike this, but it is much better than uncontrolled anger which has been an issue in the past a symptom of my CPTSD. So thankful for the improvement in my responses, from working with my Psychologist.
What does any of this have to do with the sunshine. I am not totally sure, laugh. I do know of course the importance of vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) a form of depression experienced in winter time when sunshine is very short supply here in Tasmania.
I do not have the answers I just am finding what works for me. Of course it is different for everyone. What I found lovely at the Post Office staff were so kind offering a drink of water. I am not sure but having a panic attack over the fight response is perhaps a more positive? solution. I am still very much a work in practice.
Coming home I filled the bird baths, fed the chooks and went to collect eggs, only to find…. in my veggie garden..
Well I feel relived that Henny is healthy, and well my hope is that they are three hens? What are the chances?
A walk with my dogs on a grey wet Spring Saturday afternoon when a flock of Sulphur Crested Cockatoos, (Cockies) flew into the trees about where we were. They did not stay in these for long. Taking off with much screeching and carry on as only cockatoos seem to do. I noticed some landed in a dead tree further along the river bank. The white of their shape defined clearly on the dark limbs against the rain filled sky. These raucous characters are very intelligent and have in suburban areas learnt to open wheely bin lids. They naturally bob their heads but will also enjoy moving as if dancing to other noises, including music.(more tame birds I imagine. though maybe the odd one in a tree near a BBQ or pool party. Some see them as jerks and pests, especially true as they can be very damaging to crops and when flocks can be as large as several hundred they can decimate a grain crop and damage it totally. In suburbia they have been known to land on a persons shoulder. They tend not to be fearful of humans out where I live in the bush this is not the same. I am also not sure that our Cockatoos have learnt to open our wheely bins when out for garbage day.
I felt I had missed any opportunity to catch this cheeky group again as I loaded up two wet dogs and a damp human into the car for the journey home.
I was delighted to see this fellow up in a tree and at first thought it may have been a nest. It certainly met the criteria for a nesting site for a cockie. Large hollow up high in a tree. It also would explain its flight away. Not wanting to show it was a nest. The comb of sulphur yellow (giving the name) is matched by the underside wings and tail feathers. How wonderful I was able to catch it taking flight.
If this is a nest the eggs are laid in our Spring until early Summer (so now) both parents prepare the nesting site, both will incubate the eggs and care for their chicks. Once the chicks are old enough to fly they will remain with their parents and their flock in definitely.
As I watched it fly away I heard more cockies, down the way a bit and noted that this single bird was flying towards the screaming and other loud squawks emanating in that very direction. Off I drove in pursuit.
I arrived just in time to capture our solo cockie landing near and rather intrusively it seems bye two others. The one already on the branch was attempting to stop it from landing it seems to me as it moved towards it wings akimbo and head up facing the intruder.
I watched the antics of these delightful if raucous screeching native birds considered by some to be clowns of the bird world in Australia. As they interacted in the tree tops. I am glad where I live we do not get the flocks of hundreds that they do in some areas of mainland Australia. The hullabaloo would be deafening and tiresome for too long.
So thankful for such a lovely afternoon and to be mask free again. Thankful that Tasmania fortunately seems to have been lucky and not had an Outbreak of the Delta variant. I am thankful that I am surrounded by incredible bird life. blessings to You, Tazzie
Echidna Home 
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