I never want to pretend!

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD I am attempting to post as I know it helps me when I am struggling. I had a major trigger event since my last post, for me my general reaction is to withdraw, and isolate. Which is what I have done. I cancelled an appointment with my Psychologist a few weeks ago, and the one this week I did not want to do. I did push myself and made the meeting via internet. It was during this that I shared the afore mentioned fact to her and she stated that she knew this and it concerned her. We went on talking and I found myself having somatic reactions and I had to end the meeting. I had to flee.

This has not happened for such a long time a very long time, and now she has sent messages to see how I am. I am not able to read them at least today. Even writing that here I feel nauseous, my mouth is dry.
I am even struggling to keep an appointment with my new GP for blood work. I have made another to have the bloods taken for tomorrow. Perhaps by writing that here it will help me and I plan to have breakfast out so that I am in town early enough and no excuse to miss it. I have spoken to my new GP on the phone only and have an appointment with her early December which is this week arrgh! Well actually mine is next week. It is so darn hard to go through everything again, and to hopefully connect with the new GP. This is all the reality of anxiety of CPTSD.

I have not been able to stop eating highly processed food sweet mostly but just outlandish amounts. Also seems to be a pretty typical for me when triggered.

As bad as I feel and am going life is not horrendous, the reason is I have insight. I am very aware of what is happening, and can accept them not as I have written before not beat myself up about them. I tried doing a pilates class but that to went by the wayside. It is really not about not being motivated when you have CPTSD it is at least for me not punishing myself when I am experiencing a serious trigger reaction, not letting myself keep on consoling myself with the foods as a self comfort tool, knowing to stop it. Accept that it has happened and work on getting back to my healthier eating. My list that makes me live and cope better has/had gone completely out of the window. It is not too late to remind myself of how much better everything is when I follow my list.

I feel so safe and secure in my home and on my little acre. The sun has been out and the beautiful late Spring days have been dry. I have managed to plant some seedlings my tomatoes have finally gone in as have some others.
I will go to bed before 9:30 and read for a while, I will shower every second day. This is not my fall list but for now it is achievable and what I have begun to understand for my own mental and physical well being is to do what I know I can achieve.

There is hope for everyone of us who have CPTSD, PTSD who have depression and anxiety, we can support and just know we are never alone there are other people who really do know what it is like. Finding those people who support and understand is great help. For me sharing my own life as it really is, disjointed with beauty and days out along with the parts that are not so pretty or lovely is the reality of my life.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

Simple things

One of the ways I can tell when I may not be doing as well as I have been in regard to my mental illness CPTSD is how I become more sensitive and fixated on one particular aspect in a day. Usually to do with an issue I am struggling with or of that wonderful and terrible thing called Facebook. The beauty of where I am today is that I can pick up the signs pretty early on that this is happening. I will then be able to redirect my focus firstly by acknowledging what is happening, then finding something I enjoy. So as this was happening recently and strangely I had been doing a lot of positive things for my mental health it still creeps up on me.

The weather in Spring in Tasmania can be challenging. We have had the wettest Spring for 50 years. Last week we had a couple of days of 23dC(73df) then the temperature dropped to 7dc(44.6dF) wet and windy. I was warm at home with my wood fire going. A lovely cosy day. I spent to much time on the computer though. So when I woke up the next morning I decided to head into Cygnet for brunch. My battery of the car was flat, (somehow my internal light was left on) I have a charger, and started it up. The dogs and I went in spent time with friends ate, and then I went for a drive to recharge my battery fully.

It was a lovely afternoon.

You could be mistaken for believing that the photo below is from the Swiss Alps; it is Hartz Mountains in Southern Tasmania taken on the 30/10/21 Springtime. Yes I did feel an urge to sing The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music.



A drive through Pelverata is quite beautiful

Battery fully charged, having had a couple of walks with the dogs through the bush. We were all content and I was certainly in a much better place. I may find being with people draining at times, it had been delightful to spend time in the morning with friends. Then to switch off my brains fixation status, and recharge by being out in the world of nature. Smelling the forest and fresh air, hearing the water in the full rivers and even the wee waterfalls at the side of the road created by the heavy and consitent rain we continue to have. I am so blessed by Godess to live where I do. To be able to get in my car and see such beauty.

Life in Tasmania can be challenging for those who first move her. No season is totally what it should be. You carry in your car layers just in case. As the population changes and house prices go though the roof where I live I do fear for so much of our areas as people subdivide land and farmland for the ever growing numbers of people who desire all that I am privileged to have. Yet at the same time excluding our younger generations who are struggling to even afford the rents if they can actually find a rental.

Oops I am off on a tangent Again I am thankful that I am so fortunate and I am especially fortunate to know it, and to feel I am rich beyond belief. (not in a monetary sense.

my hope is You will be content in your lives and if you are struggling reach out. It can be hard, but learning to manage our illnesses emotions reactions is freeing and empowering.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

A lovely day to have a panic attack.

How are you? Me? I am plodding along. Its Thursday evening here 18:46 the sky is filled with grey clouds. The sailing club is out racing and the hills along the river are so green and water filled that it is beyond belief that they can possibly hold anymore water. Yet we are forecast more very wet weather here in my valley. It has been amazing in the spring garden and the bulbs and fruit trees have blossomed so vibrantly. We seem to be having three-four days of very heavy rain and colder temperatures and tomorrow and Saturday are forecast to be single digit (Celcius) maximums. So I have just put some dry (as in not wet) but very dry (as in not green) wood ready to if need by light the fire in the morning. Snow forecast down to 600m(1967f) tomorrow in some areas too. Up to 40mm (1.6 inches) rain forecast in my valley.
The preceding days were gorgeous, blue skies, still and hot. Lovely. I was working in the garden removing black berries roots and vines that were bursting into tendrils wrapping themselves about the chook runs fence and about one of my hazelnut bushes. Makes for very risky picking. Chuckle.
Have you ever tried to dig out blackberry roots by hand? Oh my did my shoulder neck arms hands and fingers ache last night. It was a good ache and I slept so soundly. (which as one of the very lucky people in the world is not unusual for me). It was the sleep of having been doing hard slog! (physical work) I am extremely out of practice in that. I was covered in mud as the soil even after two days of dry weather was very wet.

I must say it was delightful to be able to have lunch on my deck with my two besties in the wonderful sunshine yesterday, listening to the birds, and watching the birds bathe in the bird bath.

I do believe in the power of sunshine and physical exercise as being extremely important for my mental illness. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) along with physical well being. What is really hard for many people to truly understand mental illness along with those physical illnesses that do not have symptoms that can be seen is that those like myself can seem to be fine on the out side and yet be dealing with a lot just to be present out and about.

For example I went to pick up a package today from my little towns post office. I had been and attended to other things in town that morning along with taking the dogs for a walk in town enjoying the sunshine. I was chatting to the staff member and she was assisting me with a problem that had occurred; an item I had received at the post office a few days before had not been in the package. It had been packed but the package had torn. I had struggled to get in touch with Australia Post to see if the item missing had been located. I had spent ages on the phone 16 attempts to get through, which frustrated me. I had also attempted to contact the correct area via the Australia Post website. To be told that oops something went wrong, and to try back in a few minutes. I tried numerous times over the next few hours. Each time having to go through the complete process. Again I was feeling quite annoyed now. The good thing here is I was able to accept the problems as frustrated as I was and just emailed the Federal Government Minister who is in charge of Australia Post as a communication method for Australians, owned by the Government.

I may be seen as a Karen, but I wrote a very honest and factual email of the situation.

So the kind lady at my Post office was helping and contacted the people who bring the mail from the main sorting area in a suburb of Hobart to see if they had found anything. In the middle of this I found myself having a panic attack, sweats, heart palpitations and hands shaking. Oh how I dislike this, but it is much better than uncontrolled anger which has been an issue in the past a symptom of my CPTSD. So thankful for the improvement in my responses, from working with my Psychologist.

What does any of this have to do with the sunshine. I am not totally sure, laugh. I do know of course the importance of vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) a form of depression experienced in winter time when sunshine is very short supply here in Tasmania.

I do not have the answers I just am finding what works for me. Of course it is different for everyone. What I found lovely at the Post Office staff were so kind offering a drink of water. I am not sure but having a panic attack over the fight response is perhaps a more positive? solution. I am still very much a work in practice.

Coming home I filled the bird baths, fed the chooks and went to collect eggs, only to find…. in my veggie garden..

Well I feel relived that Henny is healthy, and well my hope is that they are three hens? What are the chances?

A lovely end to the day.

blessings to You, Tazzie






Sulphur Crested Cockatoos Cacatua galerita Cacatuidae

A walk with my dogs on a grey wet Spring Saturday afternoon when a flock of Sulphur Crested Cockatoos, (Cockies) flew into the trees about where we were. They did not stay in these for long. Taking off with much screeching and carry on as only cockatoos seem to do. I noticed some landed in a dead tree further along the river bank. The white of their shape defined clearly on the dark limbs against the rain filled sky. These raucous characters are very intelligent and have in suburban areas learnt to open wheely bin lids. They naturally bob their heads but will also enjoy moving as if dancing to other noises, including music.(more tame birds I imagine. though maybe the odd one in a tree near a BBQ or pool party. Some see them as jerks and pests, especially true as they can be very damaging to crops and when flocks can be as large as several hundred they can decimate a grain crop and damage it totally. In suburbia they have been known to land on a persons shoulder. They tend not to be fearful of humans out where I live in the bush this is not the same. I am also not sure that our Cockatoos have learnt to open our wheely bins when out for garbage day.

I felt I had missed any opportunity to catch this cheeky group again as I loaded up two wet dogs and a damp human into the car for the journey home.

I was delighted to see this fellow up in a tree and at first thought it may have been a nest. It certainly met the criteria for a nesting site for a cockie. Large hollow up high in a tree. It also would explain its flight away. Not wanting to show it was a nest. The comb of sulphur yellow (giving the name) is matched by the underside wings and tail feathers. How wonderful I was able to catch it taking flight.

If this is a nest the eggs are laid in our Spring until early Summer (so now) both parents prepare the nesting site, both will incubate the eggs and care for their chicks. Once the chicks are old enough to fly they will remain with their parents and their flock in definitely.

As I watched it fly away I heard more cockies, down the way a bit and noted that this single bird was flying towards the screaming and other loud squawks emanating in that very direction. Off I drove in pursuit.

I arrived just in time to capture our solo cockie landing near and rather intrusively it seems bye two others. The one already on the branch was attempting to stop it from landing it seems to me as it moved towards it wings akimbo and head up facing the intruder.

I watched the antics of these delightful if raucous screeching native birds considered by some to be clowns of the bird world in Australia. As they interacted in the tree tops. I am glad where I live we do not get the flocks of hundreds that they do in some areas of mainland Australia. The hullabaloo would be deafening and tiresome for too long.

I

nformation included here is from an article on the http://www.australiangeographic.com.au
Australian Geographic • August 19, 2021

So thankful for such a lovely afternoon and to be mask free again. Thankful that Tasmania fortunately seems to have been lucky and not had an Outbreak of the Delta variant. I am thankful that I am surrounded by incredible bird life.
blessings to You, Tazzie

Simple things and very thankful

Our life in the bubble of living on an island and escaping lock downs since the very beginning of Covid 19 took a very rapid turn last week. On Friday we here in the Southern region of Tasmania were placed into a 3 day lock down from 6pm that night. Someone had ‘escaped’ Hotel quarantine in Hobart and was positive for Covid delta variant. They had been awol for many hours and when located would not share where he had been. This the Lock Down. Thankful so far that no further positive cases have been reported. We are now out of lock down but are required to wear a mask where ever we go except in our own home or car. If we have a visitor we are required to wear a mask.
Very reasonable. I share this as for me with no children and in a rural location it has not really changed my life.
My life with CPTSD is pretty similar to lockdown in some ways. I do not wear a mask in my life normally.

I do have to go out in the morning but I have masks so I am OK with this. It does seem weird that when most other people in the world have been dealing with masks and lock downs for huge periods of time. I especially think of those in Melbourne Australia who have been in lock down for almost a year off and on. I am very aware that we here in Tasmania we have been so very fortunate. A very small price to pay for helping to ensure people are safe especially those who are high risk.


A short walk around the garden in the afternoon shows how the deck is so green and full of flowers lush and beautiful. The Irises are stunning this year. Love having so many flower especially on grey days.

I may be frustrated that I can not be in the garden doing what I need or want to mainly due to the weather. I know the sunshine will come and I am sure then I will be saying how hot it is. I have to laugh, we often say here if we did not have such varied weather all year and possibility of all sorts in one day, we would not have things to talk about with people.

blessings to You, Tazzie

Aurora Australis

One of the things I love doing is photography. I live in the Huon Valley in Southern Tasmania and this provides me with opportunity to see and photograph the Southern Lights; Aurora Australis

I have been unwell with my mental illness and have not been out to shoot any night photographs. I was so delighted recently that the Lady Aurora came for a visit. As beautiful as she was my position was right beside the moon which was very low. There fore impacting the depth of colour that I could shoot. In the photos you will see a moon halo. It was a very cloudy night with bright moonlight. This will also explain why there are few visible stars. You will see beams in the last photographs of the set below.

The photographs below were taken the same night. The only difference is the white balance this may help explain why you will see very different photographs taken at the same time on the same night.
I will sometimes shoot Aurora in a warmer white balance.

If the moon had set or no moon the colours would have been so much deeper. If there had been no cloud it would have been so much better.

This is the beauty of shooting and hunting Aurora here in the Southern Hemisphere. Huon River. Huonville the largest town in the Huon Valley sits at. 43.0304321″ S, 147.0486831″ E

I know that the Aurora Borealis/Northern Hemisphere gave an amazing display recently.

I am thankful to be able to experience this natural phenomenon, so often as I have and to have the equipment to be able to shoot her. I am thankful to live in such a naturally beautiful area.

blessings to You Tazzie.

Impact of words on me.

‘Lazy, disorganised, fat, you have such a pretty face, you are not going out looking like that, have you brushed your hair, stubborn, clumsy, what are you wearing, be quiet, chatterbox, talk to much, if you stop talking you would hear, you do not listen, don’t, you have to, because, what will other people think, if you had someone else proofread you would get high distinctions (I could have done with Grammarly back then), why can’t you be like a, b, c? I really like you a lot but I can not imagine being with a fat person, if you do that you will be in trouble, how can you find anything in that mess, on that desk, you were trouble before you were born and still are, if you were the first there would have been no more, and many more are the recordings of my life. My whole life until and this is where I am so incredibly thankful for having had my breakdown.

WHAT? NO WAY! Well no I am not saying that having a breakdown was fantastic thing it has been horrendous and I am so very thankful that I survived it, that I am an unsuccessful suicide. FOR This alone I am so happy that I did not succeed. So so very happy.

My life after my breakdown has not/is not always great no one’s life is no matter what is presented via social media sites and even blogs. Photos can be photo shopped. Not even related to the person blogs but images up loaded from a free site that has thousands of photos you can share. You can be anyone behind the screen, the power of the keyboard is very similar to creating more words that have the potential to Stop you.

I do not know how I might have coped, survived if this form of socialising via internet social media ect, if I was growing up in the times of this form of sociallising. Reality of the lives of so many posters bloggers, you tubers is hidden by those who write share her/his life. We can get caught up in the creativity of the person/s crafting their story, the stunning videos the light the ‘unnatural forgotten moments where the camera has caught the sharer. So now it is not just words but images, videos that might stop you too. Deception is real.

As a person with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a purveyor of photography and beautiful light and colours in videos I have been caught out. Looking for my own people who appear to have somewhat the lifestyle I aim for. So many of them I have been in awe at due to the age of the person who is sharing their personal journey. Yet when it is broken down or you think about it seriously I certainly have begun to ponder how they manage to have what they present and how they live; I recently became fixated on how they can do all this on their own.

Certainly the odd person is able to achieve such things, through hard work, and so very often hard times often with many sacrifices to get to their goals, if they have not had support or inheritance from family. Am I sucking on lemons and envious no but like the words that stop me the images, videos beautifully edited and shot, the person living in an isolated tiny home where snow is deep in winter. Doing it so beautifully bathing in the river in the winter. Yet when you look back and see how they have lived in their previous videos with lovely expensive things, and you see the kind of portrayal it is mostly them alone, and the reality can be very different. I know how difficult it can be to care for your own home and maintaining land when you live on your own. I am honest I inherited my home, my land from my partner/husband.
So in the past for me these videos at times would stop me and words such as lazy, hopelessness begin to get into my head, I would question myself why can I not do this. As I can feel inadequate hopeless, lazy, incompetent. I know I am not now. I know that for some of those bloggers you tubers, they don’t live this way either. Smoke and mirrors, fantastic editing, family support and financial help.
I question research and at time doubts. I also am aware of sponsorships, gifts given in exchange for subtle and not so subtle advertising is increasing.

It impacts trust, something I certainly have great difficulty with, and symptomatic of many folk with CPTSD and PTSD.

My breakdown connected me with my Psychologist who provides me with management tools and allows me to speak totally honestly in any manner as in rapid fire all over the place, sometimes emotionally charged and from places I did not realise I had put some of these words that hurt, that demeaned, that inhibited me, confused me, stabbed my heart, numbed me, and certainly became a hefty proportion of reflex and fright ,flight reactions when I was able to in my life fleeing was my chosen path always. I was totally oblivious to why.
Words, and now videos combined with music or photo have power in all our lives, the tone, the emotion involved can be a part of this, but not always.

The words those words that stopped me.

I have learnt and am learning to let the words stay in my life recording now that I CHOOSE;
I am choosing the words that speak to me that I want to be the record in my head, these words are beautiful, intelligent, delight, joy, kindness, acceptance, non judgemental, honesty, integrity, peace, my life, dogs, no, I can not, thank you, enough, nature, contentment, self-caring, thankfulness,solitude, compassion, decisive, knowing my own mind and trusting myself, Goddess and these words bring me the life I am happiest with and empowered me to be able to let go of my birth family. I do not keep people in my life anymore who do not walk in a similar manner.

It takes time to delete the sound track the words, photographs, videos and stories that have made you who you do not desire to be. My recovery from my breakdown is freeing me and it was the beginning of ME. Weirdly I always knew who I was, but the words constraints placed on me by family, education, work places, religion, the right way to act, live, and myself so often too, but when I listened deeply to myself I was always happiest.
My partner was the beginning of this loosing the words not hearing them any more that record of my life, when my partner died, I lost the sound of his voice and the old track returned loudly…I struggled with the words, and eventually my mind broke and here I am now several years since. A totally different life. Even on my bad days I am more and more content. Even on my bad days I am so much better at hearing my own words no one else’s. I read and watch others sharing their lives experiences, but I seek truth of the sharers and not a ‘almost contrived’ for likes lifestyle.

Find your own words and create your own recording and delete the words that bought you to where you are now. Questioning if you might have CPTSD, it is not easy, it was/is for me painful and very emotional yes I wanted to not deal with it so many times and I am sure it will happen again. The difference now is I want to stop those words, the recordings that are not mine. I am achieving this, I am so very happy to wake up every day, regardless of how I feel, and what it might bring.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

Springtime in Southern Tasmania

What a difference a day of sunshine makes to a lot of things. Here in Australia we have begun daylight savings, ( a week ago). Putting the clocks forward, it caught me by surprise. It was not until I went up to my friends three days later that I discovered that this had happened. I have to laugh at myself. Clocks really do not have any meaning to me these days. Unless I have an appointment. I really do not worry about it the clock that is. Time on the other hand is totally a quandary. I can know longer know by the sunlight what time it is. As the days here in Southern Tasmania get longer time seems to distort.
It has seen me not going to bed till the very wee small hours. Which for me is not such an issue and I am very fortunate.

After spending time sitting with my friends and their dog Toby on their deck, having a lovely morning tea, as the dogs played and the cockatoos screeched.

It sure beat the previous few days, though in between showers I did manage to do something very needed.

It was so great to have been able to spend this lovely day with my neighbours and their dog. The weather deteriorated I endevoured to keep active and give the dogs some nice experiences as the weather was not going to improve for a week or more.


Whilst I find I am able to some things so many more just continue to be on lists. I do get frustrated with myself at times. Yet this is the reality of my life the fact is I am definitely not lacking motivation. I can do things at times. Yet the things that I not able to do are the very things which would make it so much easier in my life. I continue to move things out of the house. I really struggle with my CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) every day there is something that will impact me. I hold on tight to the fact that my mental health is good most of the time, I am so very fortunate safe and secure where I live. I am fed up with the wet weather, and we have more storms coming. It is making it hard to work in the garden and pop in spring flowers seeds.
My seedlings for the veggie garden are doing pretty well and my hope is next week I am able to get in and tend to the beds.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

You did what?

My first social engagement in a long time was a very enjoyable and at times hilarious creative couple of hours.
In Tasmania we have Womens Health Tasmania. A service run by women for women. I imagine most countries have something similar.

Womens Health Tasmania offer you the opportunity to gain new skills and a better understanding of health issues important to you. We offer:

  • opportunities to participate in activities, workshops and forums;
  • information on general health issues; and
  • individual support.

We also promote the interests of Tasmanian women by working with government and the community sector to provide innovative and cost-effective services.
It is not just about breasts and other parts that make us female, it can be any bit of a female body.
for more information hit the link below.
https://www.womenshealthtas.org.au/events/knit-your-bits

It was on a Sunday afternoon at a lovely new business in Cygnet. Cuckoo. (lovely local creative works being sold for great gift ideas and pure wool for knitting, crotchet, etc.
Our group is doing breasts. Another workshop is the pubic area (Tasmania shape..lol)
You can most likely imagine the laughter and chat that went along with learning to do a magic circle, cups of tea and cupcakes with breast icing decorations.

Just like in real life our crocheted breasts are varied. No pair are the same and no two of a pair are either.

It is also a wonderful pattern for beanies. Miss Treacle is demonstrating the beanie style with elegance.

As hard as it can be for me to sometimes go to things, this was a wonderful small group and I knew no one. I mention this as my anxiety can kick in and that will come out as me talking too much. Some folk do not realise that this is a symptom and not me being comfortable in these sorts of situations. I am really glad I pushed myself and attended.
I did not finish my breast at the group, I get distracted easily. I ended up doing them at home.

It certainly has made me be more creative since. I do tend to forget that being creative and being with small groups is doable for me and with my mental health it does help.

blessings to You, Tazzie

When Sheep are not quite what they seem

All photographs are the property of Tazzie Gee.

My neighbours sheep have had lambs,



and there are lambs in the paddocks as I drive into town.


And across a road interestingly called Missing Link Rd there are these sheep.

My dog Busby barked at them as I stopped to take the photos. They each have a names the ram; one with glasses is Byron such a clever flock. Willie, Brian, Nettie, Nicole, Fenn. Talk about recycling. These wonderful creative sheep are made out of old gas cylinder bottles. I am so often awed by the creative and artisan people who live call the Huon Valley home. Who are genuinely themselves and do what makes them happy and in the process bring joy and delight to others. Add to this that there are many things in the area that can be viewed with no extra cost than the petrol.

I am thankful to have a car, to have enough money to fill it with petrol. I am thankful for the amazing artisians who make this beautiful valley home adding her or his uniqueness to our valley. I am thankful for the incredible place I l live. For being safe, clean air, and freedom to be myself, say what I think and most of all I am thankful that as I have got older and worked to accept and live with my mental illness/s I can be myself and let go of so many words that have been used and sometimes still are to limit me.

blessings to You. Tazzie

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