I am not depressed I said to my Psychologist in our most recent zoom meeting. Yes I am overwhelmed by my home, and garden my list(which I am not supposed to have but just occurs in my head regardless) grows and add to that dealing with Busby’s knee issue; of which he is doing well on injections, rest and no play or big walks.
I begin things and do not finish them. Well the wind and rain picked up so I could not continue to place the cardboard over the area I had just cleared around fruit trees and did not have the chipped tree/wood barks on top of (my trolley has a damaged wheel so I need to organise a new one or a repair). On my list.
I had to use poison on the mice situation in my home as the traps were not working, I feel bad for the potential damage to wildlife birds that may eat them. I vowed never to use poison again. I am attempting to not beat myself up about that as the abscence of mice is a huge positive.
I am achieving things, I take Busby for his injection each week and I have had both my vaccinations. I am washing clothes and managing most of my routine. What I manage varies each day. Chuckle. be it eat healthy today and bed late versus bed early eat crap.. yet I am OK with this as I am working on improving my routine.
I shared with my Psychologist that I have been considering coming off my medication(Desvenafalaxin). Why? I know it has made a massive difference in my depression. When I have written here that I would be happy to stay on it for ever because of the change it made for me.
I know that I have worked so hard dealing with a huge amount of issues that potentially contributed to my having been diagnosed with CPTSD after my breakdown. I feel that I have the tools to manage aspects and note problems in my life/feelings/behaviour that will help me live without the medication.
It is not all it is mostly the fact that I HATE living in my house the way it is!! A house that is a hoarders yet it is a bit better than it was but it is also almost stagnate. I struggle to fill the bin and take it out, but force myself I have added to my routine the putting of the bin out every week. It did not happen this week but I am not beating myself up for that. What I feel is I want my home back, I want it to smell lovely to feel lovely..and not be a place I just sit in amongst the shit, and mess. I described to my Psychologist what I really felt like. It was exactly how it was to discover my car battery was almost flat..I turned the key in the ignition and my engine tried to turn, that harrrumph harrumph..I knew if I applied my foot to the accelerator I might get the engine to turn over. Alas No. Just that Harrumph Harrumph wrrrhhhh than nothing of a flat battery. My engine of my car would not turn. Well that is exactly how I would describe how I am feeling. I really want to do it, and I try but a little while and I just go flat. Or for me it is I get distracted, or take a break..or the weather, anything becomes a blockage in the connection to my battery there bye making my engine stop or not turn over.
The appointment with my Psychologist took a turn, not a pleasant one for me it seems. She feels we have been dealing with and I am moving through and forward with the depression and reactive areas like anger response to where I feel no control or bullied in a situation. That now something I may have had in my life always is coming forward. The possibility of ADHD. Ohhhh what does that mean for me? Having another appointment with my Psychiatrist. My throat dries, and I begin to feel ill, my neck gets itchy and I feel hot. I let my psychologist know this and that I feel distressed because of how horrendous the issues were when I first saw the first psychiatrist at an Organisation Psych2U; they offer zoom meetings for rural and isolated clients in Tasmania. Yet at the same time I feel conflicted because the first Psychiatrist wanted me to take an ADHD medication with my Desvenalfaxine. I was unable to get the script filled at three Chemists in my area. He and I had words and he decided I did not want to see him (which was not true). It left me battle scarred and I had to work and get really upset to have another Psychiatrist see me from the organisation. So hearing this made me feel all the angst and I ended my session with my Psychologist as I could feel myself dissociating. I said I had to go but I must have looked strange. I blanked out for a while but was aware and let myself just be in that place but not to sink to far. I then was able through breathing and grounding bring my self back. I also sent a message to my Pscyhologist to let her know I was OK.
I am fearful of making an appointment with my GP who organises the Psychiatrist appointment and I am fearful because I may have to go on ADHD medication and what if I am not able to get it again? Its been over two weeks since my appointment with my Psychologist and my GPs office rang me but I have not returned their call to book in. It seems a task to hard right now.
I just want to have my battery fullly charged and the energy to begin and finish something not get distracted. I want to reclaim my house and really make it mine. Not Marks or Ours, but mine. I am proud of myself that I have removed boxes of books and old computers to the tip. So much more to remove and that makes me anxious and nauseous. Yet I feel even worse when I think of the appointment with my GP and Then the Psychiatrist.
If anyone who is reading this has any of her or his own experience of CPTSD and being on ADHD medication too please comment. I would really appreciate it.
I am thankful that my Disability pension means I am able to continue to see my Psychologist and be bulked billed to the organisation that provides funding for this part of my NDIS package. I am thankful that my hens are all laying delicious eggs. I am thankful that so far Busbys management plan for his cruciate ligament to be nonsurgical is going so far OK. (even if the vets feel it is perhaps not the right option). I am thankful for a kind friend who has recently offered me some money to pay for the surgery which I have chosen with much consideration reserach and love to not have at this point in time due to previous experience with this surgery on another of my dogs. I am thankful for my roof over my head, my access to mental health support and physical health support for free. I am incredibly thankful I live in such a safe and beautiful area.
I appreciate all of you who read my blog,
blessings to You, Tazzie
NB Please not this is my words, my feelings and my life. If you wish to share any of what I have written please ask me. (c) Echidna Home