Coming out of the darkness.. may be triggering

A lot has happened in the time since I have posted anything there are many reasons.

As many of you would know I ceased all contact with my family for my own well being and mental health. I can not in all honesty say that the following was the thing that sent me on a downward spiral. I had been posting prior to this that I had not been traveling well. Out of the blue my brother, the only member of my family who has my permission to contact me in extreme situations.
As a person in her mid 50s I saw his name in my missed calls( I do not answer any phone calls only responding to those who leave me a message, or I have been contacted by someone to say they will be contacting me. Even when I have the caller id. I listened to the message requesting me to contact him urgently, and made the connection that one of our parents was seriously ill or had died.

I was wrong, my 38 year old nephew had died unexpectedly in hospital. He had a heart attack. On hearing this and hearing the anguish in my brothers voice. My nephew had been born with issues in regard to his kidneys. We were also aware that his life expectancy may be shortened. He had transplants in his younger years to improve his chances. Even though you know the chances are there denial and hope are the mainstays. He left behind a wife he adored and three incredible sons.
Due to Covid on the mainland I was not able to attend his funeral it was wonderful that the funeral company was doing live video streaming so I was able to attend.

I also learnt that one of my neices had had a baby, and he was 16 months old. I had not heard anything my choice.

I could do little for my brother and sister-in-law. I felt outside and began to wonder at my decision to not be in touch with family. Even dealing with this and all the things I am missing out off in my family I sincerely know that for me my life is better as skewed as all the feelings and emotions I dealt with over the next few months.

I have to say I DID NOT go down into the deep pit of blackness. I did resort to comfort eating, Making my own home made Baileys and drinking it all in one night. I did get addicted to a game on line (not a gambling one or spending money on it). I did spend some money on wish…sort of getting a bit of buzz out of winning so many limited items I had no real need of. I gave them to a local organisation to give to others. I was not and still am not super keen to see my psychologist. I do but tend to end the meeting early.

I have been dealing with aspects of my hoarding, a very small amount, I am proud of this. We have had a lot of rain and wind, my house leak is worse and that overwhelms me. I have mice and they have learnt not to go to my mouse traps. I watch them climb up between the lining of my curtains. I occasionally manage to catch them. I am working to get rid of the mess more and found mice nests with babies.

I have begun to realise each time I have a issue in my life, my home that I can not resolve myself I fall. I have not been following my routine at all. I have not been sharing here.

My aim is to reconnect to my blog and the community here.
I am thankful to be able to see these things that trigger me, I am thankful for having the ability to share here, I am thankful for the rain as so many areas are in need. I am thankful for all I have my home, plenty of fire wood, a roof over my head, food for me and the dogs, clean water, plenty of warm clothes, and a wonderful community I live in.

blessings to you all.
Tazzie