Being Content in My Discontent

I have been working so hard the last few days to not get bogged down with all that is going on in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for all I have and for where I live. It kind of feels like I am not really a part of the rest of the world.

My valley in the southern part of Tasmania (island state of Australia), in fact the whole state I live in has been incredibly fortunate in regards to Covid and the Delta variety especially. I am halfway vaccinated and will receive my second dose in a few days. It feels inevitable that the Delta strain will reach its tentacles to our island and the valley at some point.

It would be so very easy right now for me to be saying why why why, Busby my large dog has torn his cruciate Ligament, and having had a previous experience with the surgery and recovery of another dog I am reluctant to put him through this surgery. Right now he is basically on house rest, lol lock down I guess. He is not in pain as he is on a once a week for four weeks injection and another medication a syrup that is for inflammation and also helps relax him. Cost is certainly a huge issue, instead I am looking at the success rate of braces for stablising the joint.

My plumbing needs some work in the kitchen and I have still have a leak that needs to re-repaired as the previous repairer made it worse.
My stove has stopped working because mice have made a home in it and taken all the insulation out making it too dangerous to use. (rural stoves hot plates and oven all in one are supposed to be sealed to prevent this). The hot plate is usable thankful for that and I purchased an Instant pot/air fryer which has been the best kitchen item I have purchased in years. Especially if you are a family of one or two. Mine is 8 litres (quarts?) which sounds large however it gives me food to freeze or eat over a few days. I love doing a roast in it. It slow cooks and is a pressure cooker, sadly not suitable for doing canning. The window frames need sanding, undercoating and painting. My car needs new tyres and a service.
Instead of wallowing or allowing myself to fixate and sink back I am looking instead at being thankful for the fact I have a car that is working, I have a solid roof over my head with a small leak, Busby is happyish (not being able to play with his best friend Toby up the road is really hard for him but he is doing well so I am grateful for that.

Mice have invaded my home, its not unusual in the countryside in winter, but add to that my hoarding issues they are so damn hard to get rid of. I am not going to use any poison as we used to have owls but a couple of years ago my neighbour and I both used poison and sure got rid of the pests but also the owls it seems. I also worry my chooks might eat one mouse that is poisoned.
I have captured many in peanut butter baited traps, and I have an electric one that was also baited with peanut butter. The bait had gone but no mouse. I am weirdly grateful in a way, to the best of my ability at present I have been removing stuff out of the house.
I took boxes and electronic waste to the tip where the e-waste went in a special bin but the books were sadly found by the mice so they were put in the paper recycling. These were books my partner had and they were second or third hand as he rarely purchased new books. It had taken me 11 years to remove the books from the house. I am so pleased I have accomplished these two things.

It is impossible to describe to anyone who really has not any comprehension or understanding of what being a hoarder is like. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this yet I am moving forward as now instead of fleeing the house, and calling it the house, I am content in my discontent. I have been talking with my psychologist regularly through out the time I was not blogging. I also was not following my routine. This is always a symptom of my discontent.

What I am finding really hard right now is that I am not depressed I know I am not. Yet I feel a bit like when your car battery is going flat. You know when the engine does not turn but tries too and you keep trying to get it too but it does not and you end up flattening the battery completely. I feel like my mind and body connection are in that situation. I keep trying and begin something finishing it or get distracted by something else it remains incomplete.

So now my Psychologist is feeling that I now my depression and even my anxiety are more stable she feels it may be ADHD. She would like my GP to refer me to the Psychiatrist again. When she shared this I dissociated I basically blacked out…which on a zoom call where I am on my own was worrying for her. I was not out for very long I was able to bring myself back and emailed her to let her know. I know why this happened as when I was going for the Disabilty pension the original psychiatrist wanted me to take medication for ADHD (I could not get the script filled so he became frustrated with me and would not see me anymore, I was at the point in my illness to give it a try ). The whole situation with this psychiatrist was horrible he never called me by the right name and would ask me how my job was going. I had not worked for several years at the time I was seeing him. Now I need to see a psychiatrist again. It brings ups emotions however instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed I am saying to myself look at where you are now to where you were then, I am so thankful for that, I am also content with the discontent.

Each day I aim to complete one thing. On top of my routine. For example today I went in the garden for a while and was looking at one of my fruit trees where grass was encroaching. I began to pull the grass out as I did the temperature dropped and I was going to go inside. Instead I completed the task. It did not take long I came inside and had a shower. I made myself a meal and was content even though I sit surrounded by mess.

As hard as it has been to become content with my home/financial/personal issues I am happier. I am achieving things as slowly as it may be and the people who may say just get up and do it/your are just lazy take me back to the beginning of this post. No one who has never experienced mental illness/hoarding will have not understanding or comprehension of the reality of living like this.
I DO NOT WANT TOO LIVE LIKE THIS. BUt right now as I improve I am content with my discontent.

I am grateful for not being ill physically, I am for clean air, rain, full rain water tanks. For being able to budget for bigger costs. I am grateful that I continue to move forward no matter how miniscule the distance.

blessings to You, Tazzie