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Being Content in My Discontent

I have been working so hard the last few days to not get bogged down with all that is going on in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for all I have and for where I live. It kind of feels like I am not really a part of the rest of the world.

My valley in the southern part of Tasmania (island state of Australia), in fact the whole state I live in has been incredibly fortunate in regards to Covid and the Delta variety especially. I am halfway vaccinated and will receive my second dose in a few days. It feels inevitable that the Delta strain will reach its tentacles to our island and the valley at some point.

It would be so very easy right now for me to be saying why why why, Busby my large dog has torn his cruciate Ligament, and having had a previous experience with the surgery and recovery of another dog I am reluctant to put him through this surgery. Right now he is basically on house rest, lol lock down I guess. He is not in pain as he is on a once a week for four weeks injection and another medication a syrup that is for inflammation and also helps relax him. Cost is certainly a huge issue, instead I am looking at the success rate of braces for stablising the joint.

My plumbing needs some work in the kitchen and I have still have a leak that needs to re-repaired as the previous repairer made it worse.
My stove has stopped working because mice have made a home in it and taken all the insulation out making it too dangerous to use. (rural stoves hot plates and oven all in one are supposed to be sealed to prevent this). The hot plate is usable thankful for that and I purchased an Instant pot/air fryer which has been the best kitchen item I have purchased in years. Especially if you are a family of one or two. Mine is 8 litres (quarts?) which sounds large however it gives me food to freeze or eat over a few days. I love doing a roast in it. It slow cooks and is a pressure cooker, sadly not suitable for doing canning. The window frames need sanding, undercoating and painting. My car needs new tyres and a service.
Instead of wallowing or allowing myself to fixate and sink back I am looking instead at being thankful for the fact I have a car that is working, I have a solid roof over my head with a small leak, Busby is happyish (not being able to play with his best friend Toby up the road is really hard for him but he is doing well so I am grateful for that.

Mice have invaded my home, its not unusual in the countryside in winter, but add to that my hoarding issues they are so damn hard to get rid of. I am not going to use any poison as we used to have owls but a couple of years ago my neighbour and I both used poison and sure got rid of the pests but also the owls it seems. I also worry my chooks might eat one mouse that is poisoned.
I have captured many in peanut butter baited traps, and I have an electric one that was also baited with peanut butter. The bait had gone but no mouse. I am weirdly grateful in a way, to the best of my ability at present I have been removing stuff out of the house.
I took boxes and electronic waste to the tip where the e-waste went in a special bin but the books were sadly found by the mice so they were put in the paper recycling. These were books my partner had and they were second or third hand as he rarely purchased new books. It had taken me 11 years to remove the books from the house. I am so pleased I have accomplished these two things.

It is impossible to describe to anyone who really has not any comprehension or understanding of what being a hoarder is like. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this yet I am moving forward as now instead of fleeing the house, and calling it the house, I am content in my discontent. I have been talking with my psychologist regularly through out the time I was not blogging. I also was not following my routine. This is always a symptom of my discontent.

What I am finding really hard right now is that I am not depressed I know I am not. Yet I feel a bit like when your car battery is going flat. You know when the engine does not turn but tries too and you keep trying to get it too but it does not and you end up flattening the battery completely. I feel like my mind and body connection are in that situation. I keep trying and begin something finishing it or get distracted by something else it remains incomplete.

So now my Psychologist is feeling that I now my depression and even my anxiety are more stable she feels it may be ADHD. She would like my GP to refer me to the Psychiatrist again. When she shared this I dissociated I basically blacked out…which on a zoom call where I am on my own was worrying for her. I was not out for very long I was able to bring myself back and emailed her to let her know. I know why this happened as when I was going for the Disabilty pension the original psychiatrist wanted me to take medication for ADHD (I could not get the script filled so he became frustrated with me and would not see me anymore, I was at the point in my illness to give it a try ). The whole situation with this psychiatrist was horrible he never called me by the right name and would ask me how my job was going. I had not worked for several years at the time I was seeing him. Now I need to see a psychiatrist again. It brings ups emotions however instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed I am saying to myself look at where you are now to where you were then, I am so thankful for that, I am also content with the discontent.

Each day I aim to complete one thing. On top of my routine. For example today I went in the garden for a while and was looking at one of my fruit trees where grass was encroaching. I began to pull the grass out as I did the temperature dropped and I was going to go inside. Instead I completed the task. It did not take long I came inside and had a shower. I made myself a meal and was content even though I sit surrounded by mess.

As hard as it has been to become content with my home/financial/personal issues I am happier. I am achieving things as slowly as it may be and the people who may say just get up and do it/your are just lazy take me back to the beginning of this post. No one who has never experienced mental illness/hoarding will have not understanding or comprehension of the reality of living like this.
I DO NOT WANT TOO LIVE LIKE THIS. BUt right now as I improve I am content with my discontent.

I am grateful for not being ill physically, I am for clean air, rain, full rain water tanks. For being able to budget for bigger costs. I am grateful that I continue to move forward no matter how miniscule the distance.

blessings to You, Tazzie

Living with CPTSD

Wondering sometimes if sharing so much of my own life and experience with this mental illness can cause some anxiety.
I ponder often if I just kept living my life in private would I be better off.

My answer is a resounding No.

I have not posted for a while and that is partly due to life, and more to do with not being so well. As for many people the holiday period can be unsettling. Yet mine personal experience has been more about what I have been hiding from myself.
I missed the time with people I care about and love, those I have welcomed into my life not necessarily those by birth. I do not celebrate ‘Christmas” the church holiday, nor am I a big fan of the commercialised concept.

After gorging on almost 3.5kg of Toblerone (darn supermarket had the huge huge blocks so cheap)plus a whole lot of other highly processed food. Over a couple of weeks, I realised I was not well. Yes physically but also mentally.

I had been with people on boxing day (26/12/2020) and it was really lovely.
Yet I had a dark area forming in my moods. I began to sink slowly not wanting to be but not really being able to stop. Feed my face feel angry, eat more, feel upset, eat more, yet no comfort did I feel from my emotional eating.

I feel my psychologist was aware that I might have been heading for a bit of a backstep. In combination with COvid and all the lockdowns seeing an increase in mental unwellness our Federal Government increased the number of visits to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor you could have to 20 a year. Prior to this it was 6 having over the past few years gone from being 12 to 6. So I am seeing my psychologist more often.

Shortly into the new year I had my first appointment. I really did not want to do a zoom, or talk to her. In the morning as the approaching time came my neck began to itch unbearably. As our meeting began, it became to so extreme I could not talk all I could do was rub my neck, jawline and cheeks. I had welts and rash from this, and it just was so intensely and utterly uncontrollable I just had to scratch. She offered to reschedule but I knew I wanted, to no needed to talk about what ever this was.

As I began to talk I just let the words come and what I discovered was I really wanted to have people over, to decorate my home for Yuletide(even though here it is summer). I wanted to celebrate the season, to share in what is in the northern hemisphere the returning of the sun and longer days. (Maybe I need to look at celebrating it in winter down ). Now we can not celebrate sitting around a fire (total fire ban) and daylight goes until nearly 10pm. But..the idea of just being a group and yes of women friends. Sitting sharing and talking about their passions. Being thankful for all we have.

As I really thought about it, the itchy remained and I was scratching and rubbing. Very aware of it, but also of the feeling or overwhelming sadness. tears rolled down my face as I began to have memories of wonderful times at my grandparents home. 40dC/104dF the combustion (wood fired stove) going cooking Christmas lunch in a tiny 2 bedroom fibro house with 9 people inside around the fan and a water filled air conditioner.
It was not just about being with my grandparents. It was something more. It was not perfect. It was simple it was hard work for my grandmother and mother.
I think it was that my Grandparents had decorated their tiny home with so much delight. There was a real feeling of wonder.
Perhaps that is just a simplistic childlike memory of a better time in my childhood. Yet it is a deep memory that has come out and changed me.

It was not instantly. I did not toss or give away the remaining highly processed food, nor get immediately back on my routine. (Yes I was totally off every aspect of my routine). Are you sick of my routine yet?

I have been kind to myself. I have not punished myself, or done the negative self talk as much as possible. I have sat with the feelings, working through them now rather than emotionally eating in an attempt to keep what ever my mind and body needed me to get out. As small and simple as this new knowledge been to me as I worked through all that was happening internally and externally, yes the hives continued for a week even with anithistamines. I now know more about what I need for myself.

Pushing myself to talk and work through the incredible discomfort of this as with so many other times on my path towards managing and maybe healing my mental illness. Is hard, intense, extraordinarily emotional and confronting at times yet worth it. For me my life now is about living my best life. MY LIFE.

What my CPTSD has taught me so far is that as a child my brain was so incredible at creating ways to keep me safe and living by just pushing all the screwed up shit that was my childhood so often deep inside me. I lived two lives the one at home an the one at school, the one where I tried to make friends, to be a friend yet even as a small child I was filled with rage and anger at what had been done and was being done to me.

Finally I am really aware that I love being alive. Even on my really bad days. I love that I am moving through so much that has happened in my lifetime, but especially in my childhood and adolescence. As hard as draining and scary sometimes letting these hidden experiences feelings and emotions out is, the understanding that each time this happens is a step forward for me to BE ME. As corny as that sounds.

So yes I will keep sharing my personal journey. My life. Its warts and all that happens. I am currently a mature aged woman who has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, who is not so afraid of the blackness as I was because I am learning that the blackness is all my trauma, all my fears, known and unknown. That part of my healing is working bloody hard to accept and let these fears,and emotions of my life experiences out. To just burp the bottle a bit at a time. Not every appointment with my psychologist is such. However for me it is the time after where I really develop understanding and can really explore what has happened in the appointment are where the biggest shifts in my life are. Where the new strength is and where my adult self is able to speak up. Say and do what I want not just need to live my life as I chose.

The other reason I keep sharing the good the bad and the unwell, is that not so many years ago the word Cancer was never said, then it was whispered about if someone had it as if it might be contagious. Well I see similarities with mental illness. As statistics say
•Mental illness is very common. One in five (20%) Australians aged 16-85 experience a mental illness in any year. The most common mental illnesses are depressive, anxiety and substance use disorder. These three types of mental illnesses often occur in combination. For example, a person with an anxiety disorder could also develop depression, or a person with depression might misuse alcohol or other drugs, in an effort to self-medicate. Of the 20% of Australians with a mental illness in any one year, 11.5% have one disorder and 8.5% have two or more disorders. Almost half (45%) Australians will experience a mental illness in their lifetime
. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2009). National Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing: Summary of Results, 4326.0, 2007. ABS: Canberra

By Rubina Kapil on February 6, 2019

Mental health and substance use challenges can take many forms. There’s depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, addiction and the list goes on. Some of these challenges are more visible and you might recognize them immediately. Others can be harder to see when you’re not looking for them. But, they are still there.

These statistics provide a look at how many people face a mental health or substance use challenge, whether we see it or not:

  1. In the United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime.
  2. 5 percent of adults (18 or older) experience a mental illness in any one year, equivalent to 43.8 million people.
  3. Of adults in the United States with any mental disorder in a one-year period, 14.4 percent have one disorder, 5.8 percent have two disorders and 6 percent have three or more.
  4. Half of all mental disorders begin by age 14 and three-quarters by age 24.
  5. In the United States, only 41 percent of the people who had a mental disorder in the past year received professional health care or other services.

So when you look at these figures my personal feelings are we need to be talking openly and honestly about our illnesses. This brings more understanding to others going through it, to family and friends of people who are dealing with CPTSD and PTSD. It makes the politicians more aware of the impacts on work experiences, prejudices of some employers, how difficult life really is, costs to individuals and families emotionally financially, more one on one services and packages for those of us unable to afford access to psychologists and psychiatrists. It may help to reduce suicide. Family issues. Our own issues. Employers/businesses will really understand why we might behave or respond in situations. Also Schools may begin to realise that so much of how and what they encourage as ‘normal’ is really not for everyone.

It may also help those younger folk who are not ‘fitting in’ to what society says is ‘normal life’ If I had known for me living out of town and not having heaps of social activities and lots of friends was perfectly normal and OK for me at a much younger age it may have been helpful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

Spirit of Christmas?

Possible triggers

It is the time of the year when it is very easy to become caught up in the crazy season. Here in Australia we are in the early days of Summer. Yet still most of our Christmas is based on a Winter theme. If you love the Christmas that is wonderful.
Here lights adorn homes, but it is still light here in Tasmania until after 21:00 so not really likely that the little ones will see them in their full glory. It is most likely going to be over 38dC/100dF if not hotter in many locations in Australia, most likely not here in Tasmania. Thankfully many people have given up the cooked roast and trimmings. Salads, seafood, BBQs, picnics, ice cream and pavlova. Are more the traditions here, cold stubbies(beer), icy cold soft drinks and wine, champagne or punch.

I look about me and see what almost seems like panic most definitely anxieties. Traffic increases, people stock up as if the shops will not be open for weeks. Instead of only usually 24 hours. Ridiculous amounts of money being spent. Many people go into debt for the ‘Spirit of Christmas’. Why?

Why do this to yourself. If you really love it great. Some folk do. My work life has seen the opposite side of this time of year.

My own mental illness sees me less interested in the media and advertising creation that has very little to do with reality.

It is the time of year for many who feel alone, who feel pressured to be what they think they should rather than be themselves. To be generous even when they are struggling financially. I guess after this crazy year and for many around the world where lock downs have been happening again. So thankful that Australia has no lock downs and our infection rates have become almost non existent.

For me I have no plans. I am content with that. There are possibilities.

I will see the lovely lights of the houses in parts of the Huon Valley that go all out and I smile as I drive by. I like seeing the Christmas trees with their lights glowing. I am not bah humbug really. I love fruit cake and fruit mince pies (as long as the pastry is wonderful). I love plum pudding and brandy custard. Many childhood Christmas’s spent in 40+dC with my Gran dparents, My Grandmother and Mother cooking the roast, steaming the plum pudding and making the custard. It was lovely but oh so hot. As the food was cooked on a wood stove, the water filled air conditioner struggling to keep any air cool. There always so much angst.
It all had to be perfect. It was, but at such a cost. Sigh.

I love that now I can do or not do what I want. For years I would travel to be with family. My hope was for the Christmas to be as I hoped. The advertised creation. Of course it never was. Stress angst and undertones, never arguments on Christmas Day.

Even with my wonderful partner I wanted a story book kind of Christmas when we first were living together. I wanted it to be perfect. He helped me move past that. It was wonderful. I stopped being stressed and buying gifts for everyone and just in case someone gave me something and I had nothing for them. I stopped sending cards to people I never heard from. In fact I send no cards, no gifts no emails. What joy. Does it make me an awful person..get real NO. It makes me a person who is taking control of what is right for me.

So if you are stressing, spending money you can not afford, please be honest with yourself. Be honest and say enough. I am not falling for the manufactured concept of Christmas. It is not the Merry or Happy time of Year for us all.

Do not get me wrong please I see getting together and sharing food with people who you want to be with is fantastic. I do enjoy it when there is no pressure, just bring a plate and liquid to share. To share conversations laughter and love. For those of you who are struggling to say No. Please be considerate of yourself. Do what you need to for yourself.

Blessings to You, Tazzie.

What next (may be triggering)

As Covid -19 restrictions begin to wind down slowly across Australia, here in Tasmania, (due to our issue with hospitals in the north west of our state being hit hard and closed with many all staff and families having had to go in total isolation) we are a bit behind the mainland.

Many many people here will be really discovering how slowly things such as many businesses being able to reopen, and being able to live as we did prior to this virus is actually going to be. (unless your a football player it seems?)

A deep fear is running through many mental health workers across Australia. Community mental health support organisations and indiviudals have been complaining of how little continuing support and cutbacks that were occurring before the current situation. Rural and remote mental health services virtually non existent. The reality is already being seen by many of these workers and organisations.

The long term impact on people who have been isolated and/or lost their jobs, and/or worrying about financial concerns is and will be only coming out slowly as some things slowly return to a form of normal or new normal. Perhaps credit card bills are coming in and that may be how some individuals and families have been surviving.
Those who have lost their jobs in the last few months will possibly only now be receiving their first Jobseeker (Government benefit) payment and Covid payment. After waiting for some weeks.
Potentially the whole amount they are receiving will be paying outstanding bills.

The impact of the death of someone due to Covid-19 on those who loved them and were not able to be with them at the end, or to be with family and friends to say a final goodbye is immeasurable. Grief is always difficult but in these circumstances widows/ers grieving alone with no one able to come home with them, as they have to go into quarrantine is so hard to imagine.

The numbers who have died in Australia (98 so far as of 16/05/2020) represent grief for many hundreds. grief that has not been able to be shared with hugs, and for many an opportunity to say goodbye. Depression and Post Traumatic Shock Disorder are likely to increase. Anxiety may also impact some of these people. How will these families be supported and helped?

The numbers of people phoning all mental health help lines has blown out during the last couple of months. Most of these organisations of course are manned by volunteers. Thanks to all of them.

These same organisations are saying the situation is getting worse for so many people.

I also feel concerned for all those essential front line workers. Who have kept going. My greater fears are for the health professionals. Many who have worked long hours, in protective gear that is tiring to wear as you become so hot inside it. I can not imagine wearing it for 12+ hours a shift, it was bad enough wearing it for an 8 hour shift.

The truck drivers, the cleaners, the business proprietors who have had to install new management customer strategies.

Some people will develop mental illness now, others may not show anything for a while and something may happen that will just flaw them on their feet. (As happened to me my resilience just could not bounce back). Nurses and Doctors police and ambulance emergency workers in rural areas such as SES give so much of themselves in caring for people in their job every day they work.

I fear for so many youth, who were just beginning their working lives, when this situation stopped many of them. The financial stress, the emotional stress, anxiety, fear, distress, and loneliness.

The families of people with disabilities, where carers may not have been able to visit? Where routines have not been able to be kept, that enabled the individual with disability to live a independent life. How have these people been impacted?

I have thought often about families where domestic violence has always been a way of life. Alcohol is and has been available, the whole time. I imagine the possibility of domestic violence escalating, and the person doing it home all day every day, with no escape for their partner and children. I wonder how it may have been if bottle shops were closed and not considered essential services?

The homeless how have they been managing? It has been very wet, I do hope that with so many less people about they have been able to sleep more safely and in better locations. I think of all the volunteers who have been out supporting and caring for all the homeless across Australia.

I wonder about the addicts to gambling, drugs, alcohol…how have these people managed? Their families?

I have thought also of the impact on children and if lines of education have been drawn even more as schools have had to go online for most kids. How have the children who have no access to the internet managed? What about those whose parents have not been able to teach and support them at home schooling? Those who care but whose own education may not be up to their kids level.

The children who have had both Mum and Dad home with them for the last 10 weeks or so how good it may have been, and or how difficult.

The parents who could not care less. How will this three-four months impact the kids. I wonder about how it might impact bullying.

Some times my mind gets so overwhelmed if I do not reign it in. I am well enough to do this now and not let myself go down into places I have no ability to manage or control. I still am concerned about the possibilities.

I look at the projections of housing prices falling a lot according to some analysts in Australia. I can not imagine having purchased a home, and having a mortgage to find in a few months the house is now worth 20-30% less. Yet you have to pay the higher mortgage. Interest rates are basically as low as they can go, and most banks have put mortgage payments on hold for a few months.

The problem is once they start up again interest will go on the missed months and compound. I am not sure if you will be expected to catch up over the time of your contracted mortgage or if the mortgage might be extended,

The fear for those who have lost their jobs, and the uncertainty of if their jobs may return or not? Will people really spend all the extra money that is being paid out by the Governments to help simulate the economy or will they save it. Or pay bills clear credit cards?

How to pay their mortgage? Their rent?

I do know the next few months maybe the next few years will be hard. There will be very few tax breaks as our Government needs to make up for all the money that it has been giving out to help our country. I see quite a few businesses not being able to survive.

I envisage the potential for suicide to increase across age and gender. I hold little hope for better mental health services in rural and remote regions. With ongoing 1;1 commitment with psychologist, psychiatrist on health care cards. Instead of the reducing number of 1;1 visits as we have now.

I wonder how the new unemployed who are receiving the Covid-19 payment along with the job seeker payment (seeing the fortnightly payment go from $550 to over $1100 until September 2020), manage when the Covid-19 payment stops and they have to live on the Jobseeker payment of $550 a fortnight?

I also think of all the dogs, cats that have been adopted out of animal shelters and refuges. Where the owners have been home with these new family members 24/7 and in the next few months the human members will return to working, and school. How will these animals fare? How many will end up back in shelters?

I worry about all of you who read my posts. Even though we have not met, and only know each other through our communications, I do care that you are all coping OK. That you have people about you who love you unconditionally, and support you. That you are managing and caring for your self. You are the most important person in Your life, regardless if you are in a partnership, a parent, If you are not doing OK speak to someone, be honest about your concerns.

If you are concerned about financial issues, contact your bank, contact your lenders, offer to pay a small amount every month/fortnight/week (this will show intent, and makes it hard to be taken debt collection or to court for non payment but you have to instigate it) Same goes for bills. Or anything you are not alone, reach out speak up.

If you are in a domestic violence situation, get a plan to leave begun. tell someone you trust please.

If you are concerned about your rent, and the real estate is not helping ask to speak directly to the owner. Have them ask the owner to contact you directly. Be honest with the owner and if you are a good tenant, many owners would rather have you catch up/not raise the rent for twelve months to retain a good tenant.
I looked at the cost involved when I was a land lord, and by the time I advertised and had the checks done by the real estate agents, ( a $10 a week increase would give me $520 a year extra..the cost to find a new tenant would cost me a months rent which was at the time $1000) so if your agent or landlord is talking about increasing your rent, ask them how much it would cost them to find a new tenant who may not be so good. it is worth a try.

Mortgage? speak to your mortgage provider.

If you are thinking of buying a property. Perhaps you really do not need a four bedroom house with three bathrooms. Or a two bedroom unit for just one person. If it means you can afford the lower mortgage. Rather then risk loosing your home.

Being thankful for what we have is important. It can be so easy when it seems the worst is happening to us to feel alone, to feel it is not worth it. It is important to know I value YOU.

I am thankful for all of YOU who read my writings, look at my photos.

I am thankful for the beautiful weather we have been having the last couple of days. I am thankful for the beautiful colour of the Autumn(Fall) leaves. I am thankful for the birds, their song. I am thankful for the weed I saw popping up in the cement in my local town yesterday, showing me that nature is strong but we need to care about it. I am thankful for the wallaby I saw yesterday eating some of my grass. I am thankful to the birds that come and eat the bugs in my garden.

I am thankful to fresh vegetables. I am thankful for being able to see positives in some really dark times. I am so very thankful that I am continuing to move forward on my improving mental health. I am thankful that my maiden hair fern and chain of hearts are thriving in my home. (first time I have ever had success with either )
I am thankful for internet. I am thankful for my dogs, neighbours, and community.

I am thankful to Mother Earth and the Goddess.

blessings Tazzie

Isolation, dogs, and CPTSD

The end of day light saving always seems to throw my CPTSD into a strange place I am so out of routine. It does seem quite strange that a simple change of one hour backwards is creating something that I am not able to define it is just I feel flatter and know I must work harder to re-establish my routine.

Awareness of the potential to decline when I do not follow my routine is beneficial. Even when I am staying up late at night or into the very small hours of the morning, and then sleep for only 3-4 hours becomes a part of it. This morning Tuesday, I realised that I have been doing so I have to really REALLY work at going to bed at a time I know that makes me feel so much better. I do find for me the moment I begin to stay up later even an hour is the beginning and I now am aware of my pattern and intend to work at this by going to bed between 21:00 and 21:30 reading for a while and then switching my light off no later than 22:30. I do enjoy rising early and seeing the sun come up in Autumn and Winter.

Living on my own with no input from anyone else in regard to my routine sees many signs of how I may be moving back towards the hole I have been climbing out of over the last 18months. My routine is that I must shower every second day. I have noted this week I am up to day 3 and head for the shower. Why does it always feel so incredibly amazing when I step into the hot shower and wash my hair and body. I need to hold onto the feeling that lovely feeling almost as if along with the dirt my darkness goes swirling down the plug hole.

This morning I woke early before 7am but as I had not gone to bed until after 03.00 I had a headache. I also woke in the middle of one of the very realistic dreams I have as a result of the medication I am. These often leave me feeling bewildered and out of touch with myself for a while. At least until I have my first cup of coffee.

I came down stairs and do what I have done every day for the last 3 months put the TV on and sat listening to all the ‘News” about the Pandemic. This seems to be the routine that has become normal. As I made something to eat, the sun was shining in through my kitchen windows, the sky was blue for the first time in a week almost. I thought to myself why am I going to sit and watch the news inside when I could go out side in the sunshine and watch the birds bathe, and the sunlight hitting the trees and water of the river.

I went and sat outside. Sigh a very simple change. As I sat I realised that I still have some seedlings I need to find space for along with garlic and sweet peas to sow in the garden. I finished my coffee and my dogs who were outside with me came with me as I filled the bird bath. I put the new hose gun on my hose(the old one did not let me turn the water off as I moved about the garden anymore). I did both of these things. I then gathered the seedlings and the garlic with no idea where I was going to put them. I just began putting them in spaces that receive most of the sun in the vegetable garden for the garlic and then popping the seedlings about other beds.
I am also filling another metal bed I have had sitting about for a few years in its box. It is so deep that it will take a lot to fill it. I have manure, leaves, non productive mushroom compost. I do hope it will be enough.

I will also be moving a second similar bed into the veggie garden area that is near my water tanks as the things I have planted in it have not been successful as it is not in the sun enough. That will wait for another day. It is on my list along with so much this Autumn and Winter.

The sun began to be clouded out, and I popped the sweet peas seeds in pots about my deck. I also planted a few more lettuce mignonette variety in a couple of places. Along with several more cauliflower and cabbage seedlings. I have so many I am just basically putting them everywhere and hoping some will be productive.

I had sat my new mushroom compost outside over the last few days to get moist and hopefully produce more mushrooms for free. I did pick some oyster mushrooms off one of the packs on Sunday. Today (Tuesday) I have put them back in the set up that is part fence and part mushroom house.

I noted that my Mock Orange plant which I had put in a large black plastic pot had gone berserk at the front of the house. Blocking my light and visibility of my driveway. So I have no pruned that and will move the pot. I did not realise it was such a fast grower. I did not get many blossoms and there bye the perfume from them this year as it was not in enough sunlight.

I just am not sure where I will move it too.

All this was done and I had been pottering about the garden for about 2 hours. So much better than sitting watching news. I am self isolating, only going out for essentials. We have been told we are not to travel or go away to shacks. Many people in Tasmania have a holiday cottage or house in beach side communities where they will go for their holidays, they are known as shacks. We are to stay in our primary residence over Easter and the police will be out patrolling and checking. This is primarily that along with the holiday shacks many elderly retirees live permanently in these areas. We are also no longer allowed to visit any one in hosptials . As we have at least two known cases of community transmission to employees in one of our Northern hospitals. The Government has not been able to ascertain how these employees have contracted the virus. We also wait to see if any more people who have been in contact with two people holidaying in Tasmania on an organised bus tour in March come down with the virus.

Back to routine. the sun came out and the dogs and I actually went for a walk up the hill and back. Not me driving and they running. This is day four. I was sitting here, writing about my routine. I know that for people with CPSTD normally exercise is very important. In the current situation we are all living in here in Tasmania it is even more important for me. So I got up from my chair and we walked. My neighbours who have been in Quarantine, as they had been on the mainland, were allowed out today. I thought it was tomorrow. My mistake. This meant our dogs could play. Busby and Toby(yes another Toby) were so excited and delighted.

Returning home the sun was out again so I laid in it to get some vitamin D. Another very important need especially with helping our immune systems. I take regular vitamin D especially during Autumn and Winter.

blessings to you all Tazzie

Do it for yourself

Why would I shy away from my meeting with my psychologist? Our last meeting was good, as it ended she made a small comment along the lines how good it was that I had three people helping me with supporting and helping me.

Its true, I have three professional people helping me just to manage the things in my life that I am no longer able to manage. This is a serious part of my CPTSD. It is a part that is not visible and something I struggle with in myself. I get frustrated and flustered with the fact I have had to ask for a social worker to help me with paperwork.

I have always been very independent and strong. I have always found it impossible to ask for help. I have had too. It sucks. It was so hard for me to respond when my GP referred me to the Social Worker. I do have to say she has been pretty great in dealing with Centrelink for me. It is good.

So for me hearing the words I had three people supporting and helping me, the words have sunk down into my dark place, quietly and my reaction is self preservation and do not talk to anyone!
The positive is that I am aware of what is going on. Which says how far I have come. Insight is always a good place to start.

My psychologist has sent an email. I of course have not read it yet. I will as I will also compile an honest email to share what has/is happening within me at the moment. Perhaps this will happen over the weekend.

The the three people who are supporting and helping are my psychologist, GP, and a Community Health social worker.

I need them all at this point in my life and I am very Very appreciative, and happy to have them to help me and support me as I keep moving in a forward direction.

If I could share one thing with anyone asking for support and help may be really hard. If you need some, ask for it. Having a social worker who is able to speak to Centrelink for example on my behalf, we had to have an authority signed by both of us to say she could. Just having this has been a huge help as I know I can contact my social worker and she will deal with the issue on my behalf. Dealing with Centrelink has triggered me a lot over the past years.

Pushing through my own emotions and anxiety to ask for help has been a positive thing for me. It can be for you too. If you need support and help. You like I did have to breathe and do it for yourself. Asking for help if and when you need it is a good thing.

I am thankful for the three people who are supporting and helping me on a professional level. I am thankful that I did ask for help.

blessings to you all Tazzie

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