Do Over.

day 4 ADHD medication.

Hmmm slept so heavily last night, 13 hours, but woke and felt good. My brain was not running at warp speed when I rose and headed down stairs. I made my coffee, and some crumpets with peanut butter and honey on them. The dogs were fed and exercised. Then I knew I had to basically do over yesterday. y.

Loaded up my guys, getting them in their harnesses. (this always means some wonderful adventure when we go out in the car). So they were both bouncing happily. I drove and planed what to do. I had to pick up the bag I had left at the cafe yesterday and well I parked the car, crossed the street and my intent was to just pick up the bag. Then impulsively I ordered a mug of coffee and a wee jelly cake. I enjoyed the cake and should have left some of the coffee. I enjoyed about half of it. I did not leave any. When I left I had to go and get some items across the road. Only to find that the shop was not open on this Saturday morning. Ah well. Then I felt my heart racing a bit. Was I annoyed?

I returned to the car, and drove to the local animal/rural supply store. Got my dogs out, and walked them up the road (they are allowed in the store). A wee and sniff, then I heard someone call my name and how lovely some friends were there getting some timber fence poles and a gate. We chatted had a laugh the dogs got cuddles, we said bye and into the store we headed. I had to pick up the meat for them that I was too early for yesterday(the whole reason I had come to the larger town further from my home).

I love that I can take the dogs inside, they love it. As all the bags of dog and cat food are laying on pallets, and the smell of chook food, and rabbit food, and all the other dogs that visit is exciting and tires them out. They get weighed when we visit, to keep an eye on them both as they get older. I purchased my meat, and the dogs got their treats, Another reason why they love visiting. Then we headed back in the direction we had come from.

Instead of going home, I impulsively went to the smaller town closer to home. Unloaded the dogs and walked up the main street. I have no idea why I decided to do this, I needed nothing and I did not buy anything. We just walked up the main street. We did run into our neighbours who are working on a building they have purchased for a business in town. A short walk and chat with them and then back in the car and home.

I have to say it was good to get home. I stacked some wood. Leaving only about 4.75 tons to complete, filled the wood box and came inside. I was pleased I completed that task and getting the stuff from town. I then sat down to attend to some bills that I get funded for and have taken over the self management of. Rather than someone else being paid to do it. I have not been able to get into it, but this afternoon I just sat at my computer and read the information that I had been oblivious had been sent to me. Logged into the area I needed to be and began to pay some outstanding invoices. It was actually for me today simple. Not so good when the invoices were rejected.

Turns out you have to have the money in an account to do it this way, and well I have not had the money transferred to me, at this point in time. So I have popped that I need to contact the office on Monday to have this organised. I just probably also need to chat to my bank to see how much it will cost if I have another bank account. I am not overwhelmed, or anxious, frustrated or feeling anyway negative. I am proud that I worked it out did it and have planned the next step in ensuring I can pay my invoices. That I feel is the medication at work. I was able to focus totally; on something I have been procrastinating and anxious about for over 5months. Sure its not finished, but that is now on the plan and I will be alerted on Monday to remind me to contact the office.

I may not have planted the broad beans, or began the kitchen. I did cook myself from scratch a really healthy delicious meal for my dinner, even going out to pick some herbs and make the mushroom sauce from scratch for over the chicken. I have some left over for pasta later in the week, and the vegies that are left over will be lovely added to some mince for a savoury mince dish. Wow. I am pretty sure that is the work of the medication. I have not cooked anything involving herbs from my garden and making a sauce from scratch(even though it was pretty simple) for way too long. I like the feeling.

So I have not created a huge list each day, I have been achieving at least one or two things of my list on top of the regulars, like dogs exercise(which I am aiming to be me walking with them instead of me driving and they run). Along with preparing the soaked portion of their food the night before. Tick tick, garbage bin is a weekly occurrence in and out. Along with bed at such and such a time is the aim. Read for a while and light out. That is my basic daily /weekly list. I have transferred the kitchen and broad beans to tomorrow. Actually I have reminded myself I want to soak the beans over night and then sow them. a task for tonight.
So far the structure is sort of working. I am realising that why I perhaps stayed as a RN for so many years was that there is a structure to your shift. No matter where I worked, be it in community, in mental health, rehab, ICU emergency, there was a process to every thing we have to attend to in caring for the people we do.

I have worked in offices, and well I managed but my desk was messy and disorganised to the others eyes, and generally I could find what was required. I was never terminated from an office job, or a sales position. I was even promoted, but I never wanted or aimed to be a managerial level even in nursing. I was in charge of aged care facilities on night shifts when I worked, but it was not quite the same as being in charge during a day shift, as no other interactions ie with doctors physios, admin, family, and rarely phone calls to deal with. I feel for most of my working career when I began to feel as if I could not manage I would find a new job and then resign. I once tried to be the President of a community organisation, and well my brain was not designed for that I felt as if I was pushed under the bus, and way out of my depth, as if there is a whole secret way and code of how to do that sort of thing, and I was not in the group who knew! not an odd feeling for me throughout my life I have to say.

Oops I have sort of gone off on a tangent there, but being able to do the task online, and fill the required documents in and complete them along with send them. Even though they were rejected was a Massive achievement for me today and well it does all kind of tie in.
In just how not knowing I had ADHD for ALL my working life and all my life and somehow managed. But to know why I struggled and why I knew I could NOT ever really be a manager or Nurse in Charge full time, not because I was hopeless but because my brain is not wired that way is great news. I am not sure how my life in my work situation may have been different is I was diagnosed and that is where I see absolutely NO purpose in even pondering it.

When I was attempting to undertake this paying the invoices before just the trying was exhausting and cause me so much anxiety and frustration at my incompetence in not being able to take the information in, or find what I needed too. Weirdly all the information was at my fingertips, and in my emails. My brain is an amazing thing. If this is how the medication may help me I am quietly hopeful, still frightened that something may be lost that made me me, and I like the me before I began this medication. It has been a positive day and I am thankful.

blessings to You Tazzie.

Please not all the information is shared here, is my personal experience/opinion/feelings. Please do not share any information/content without my consent thank You.

May 28, 2023 2

Hoarder within; Enough is enough?

(May be triggering )
How truly incredible this thing called the internet is! It is through this that I was able to discovery a online support group based on the mainland of Australia. Facilitated by those who have and are managing their hoarding I assume. It was like so many things easy for me to type in the interest in joining the support group and I was relieved when I was accepted. (not being in the state and it is a state health organisation operating the support meetings, I was unsure if I would be accepted). It turned out I am not the only interstate attendee.
Only one meeting in and it was at times a bit stilted as we all I guess dealt with our own anxieties about this meeting. My levels of anxiety were so extreme. Yet I set the alarm, and abnormally for me I had no desire to go and do anything, as in flee or not connect. My more normal response to new situations.

The fact is knowing that hoarding is a major issue in many countries, and impacts individuals, families and communities is one thing. I knew other people hoarded. I knew! Really I knew!
What I felt in meeting these other people was wow, I am not alone. I am not incompetent, I am not a failure, I am non of the things I have beaten myself up about or labelled myself; ashamed of how I Live and how I have somehow let my whole home become a place that bewilders me everyday.. and yet I manage to live in it. I make meals, I rarely eat out and the meals I make in my kitchen are fresh and tasty but I would not cook anything for anyone else…my kitchen is a hoarders, my meals do not make me ill. I wash my clothes, and dry them at present over my stair rails with the fire going, (winter here ). I can shower, and my toilets work.

The other major thing I have done, is asked for someone who specialises in helping clean and organise hoarders homes.(at least that is the blurb), I sent a message honest explaining my mental illness and I am a hoarder, how ashamed and full of anxiety I am just to ask for the quote. I received a lovely response which helps a little. I now wait for the person to contact me and hopefully make a date and time for doing the quote. Knowing that when that comes emotions will again surface and anxiety.
Being on a National Disability Insurance Scheme Pension does give me some funding for support. I did not really understand much about the support, and agreed to have house and gardening funding even though I really REALLY did not want or need it. As it was for a few hours a month. I am fortunate that my psychologist appointments are funded on the scheme. Something I will be eternally thankful for.

I ended up sending a request to my co-ordinator asking if instead of the monthly hours and cost/payment could the amount be utilised in helping me deal with the hording. My co-ordinator was so happy that I had asked for help..I am to send the quote to her and my hope is they will cover it. Now my anxiety is about how much it will cost. I have to breathe deeply as I write as I can feel myself going down the vortex of all the other what ifs, etc.

I now having made the calls, and the MASSIVE STEP to ask for help publicly announcing my situation even though I have shared with people neighbours and friends others that I am a hoarder, this, This step a business specialising in hoarding..really seriously I don’t need that I can do it
I will for my own coping mechanism have to take the person on the journey I had with a previous attempt to assist me clean my home and get rid of the ‘rubbish’ which destroyed my trust and made my hoarding worse. It is the only way for me to begin to have to trust again someone coming into my home and respectfully supporting me through a big step I know is not going to be easy. I know is going to be so bloody hard at times. But I also KNOW I am ready, I know for my mental health to continue to improve my home can not remain as it is. I can not live anymore like this, and it is so wrong for my dogs; who are not at risk or are they suffering, neglected or any other concerns anyone may have. My dogs are the highest priority in my life believe me. It is also wrong for me.

My dream is to have a plumber come in and fix my leaking kitchen pipe (not sure how many years that has been there but at least 2 or more) It is basically impossible to wash up in my kitchen. I may also be able to finally find the leak in my kitchen wall and have that fixed! Such very small things. The leaking pipe was not the reason I have become a hoarder, but my hoard is why neither of these things have been fixed. Not being able to wash up properly has let the kitchen basically become perhaps the worst room in the house. Ahhh here I go running off ahead of myself. Stop STOP..the contact with the person has not happened yet. Just for a quote. Breathe breathe.. feeling nauseous. what if the person does not ring, what if the quote is too high…breathe stop breathe. Be proud. I have asked for help. I have sought and found support. One step at a time. breathe.

blessings to You, Tazzie

July 21, 2022 10

Stranger at the door.

This morning I was awake early for a Saturday morning. I lay in bed watching the sunrise, and listening my two cockerels crowing. My dogs and I are sleeping on my mattress down stairs(Bubsy was not allowed to go up stairs when he had his cruciate ligament operation). He has recovered but it is cooler down stairs and I have hope I will get my bedroom painted, before the cold weather arrives.

So the three of us were on the mattress, Ms Treacle and Busby asleep; I noticed movement on the stairs on my deck and saw a small wallaby. A incredible way to begin a morning.

*Good Morning what are you doing in there?*

I was meeting up with someone who was giving me a mother for making Kombucha,it was a transaction to be carried out in the car park of a business in Cygnet. After my morning wake up visitor, I headed to the shower. Then the dogs went for a run. Loaded them up into the car and we headed into Cygnet.
As I was driving a grey Goshawk(which is actually white) flew up off the edge of the road, and flew in front of my car. Sadly I did not have my mobile or camera to hand. Yet sometimes the lived experience memory far outweighs the image. I can still see the bird quite a large one flying up. I imagine it’s breakfast was laying in the long grass alongside the road.
I could not help but appreciate how incredibly lucky I was.

On arrival into the small village near where I live, I saw several other folk who were ‘loitering’ at 9am on a very quiet Saturday morning in Cygnet. A vehicle pulled in and jars were handed out. We thanked the wonderful woman who was sharing her mother with us. Off we went onto our day. As I had not eaten or had a coffee at home, along with it being a truly stunning Autumn morning, I chose to have breakfast at one of the wonderful cafes in our village.

*Hardly a car or person in Cygnet. 9am on Saturday morning of a long weekend.*

One of the many businesses lots of local artists and creative work sold here.

It was a short walk to the cafe. We arrived and were the first outdoor customers. The Port Hole Cafe uses locally grown vegetables and all deserts are gluten free. Cater for vegans too. They do serve meat meals. Wonderful coffee and is a lovely out door area, with herbs and flowers growing around the perimeter.
As I sat waiting for my order, other people began to arrive for breakfast. Many bringing their dogs. Most eating places in town with out door areas are dog friendly. Huon Valley is a wonderful dog friendly community.

You are supposed to have your dogs on lead in all public areas (unless other wise noted) Miss Treacle was sitting under our table in the shade. I was thrilled to meet up with two wonderful women and as the cafe began to fill enjoyed a couple of hours catching up and sharing with the ladies, meeting and greeting for my dogs, and saying hi to many people I knew. The cafe was filling up fast. I discovered it was Regatta Day and the local sailing club were conducting a race from another bay further around (quite a way ) called Kettering. This is where you catch the ferry across to the wonderful Bruny Island. The sailing club was racing from there back to Cygnet. A lot of other activities were happening. I had intended to drive down and take some photographs, alas I was running close to another meet up I had this morning. We all said our see you’s and my dogs and I went for a walk up the road and back to the car. I had to do some grocery shopping, and did this quickly. We headed home.

I had surprised myself two days before I had offered some rose hips to some one on the local crop swap Facebook page. She no longer needed them another person did. Without thinking I invited her to my place to pick as many as she liked. WOAHH no anxiety, no what if, and today no regret. I was so amazed that I did not cancel, or have somatic reactions to knowing a person I had met only a couple of times in the community was coming to my place. MY PLACE.
No one has been to my home in so long even in the garden. Especially someone I did not know very well. Yet I felt no anxiousness, of feeling of wanting to cancel of flee. It seemed strange that not one iota was present.
When the woman arrived We walked around the outside of my home, (which is not neat and tidy or beautiful to share with others), as a hoarder working to resolve this, a lot of things are waiting to be dealt with and things that I have managed to move out of the house in the last two plus weeks are waiting for a friend who has offered to help me take stuff to the tip. Two things in this paragraph seem so extraordinary to me.
Someone came to my home no anxiety, I have moved stuff to get rid of out of the house.! Only someone who is a hoarder, loves a hoarder, or is wondering if they still wish to be with the hoarder or is fed up and wants to help the hoarder get rid of the hoard.
How is this possible? As someone who has been diagnosed with CPTSD, my hoarding became another symptom of my mental illness. By having things in such a situation and way for me, (and each person who is a hoarder is dealing with their own issues and recovering is a very individual experience). You can not MAKE a hoarder change, You can not get rid of the Hoarders ‘hoard or rush the individual. As frustrating as that seems, we are fragile. The hoard whilst not necessarily valuable or as in my case in the best of condition or even seemingly rational to other people, even those closest to the person who is hoarding. For me cardboard and newspapers were a huge thing, my carport is full of cardboard boxes. They are for my garden but when they were coming into the house and taking up space and growing, that was a huge problem. I managed to get them outside and for me, now, I know I will be using them for the garden over the next few months Autumn and Winter. My visitor saw all this, she saw the two arm chairs outside and other items making my drive area what it is. I felt ok with that.
There are two boxes in my living room at the moment and they are being filled with smaller bits and pieces that need to be moved outside to be taken to the tip

I am so happy so incredibly happy I have been saying for months to my previous GP, that I was feeling like my starter motor would not turn over. This GP disagreed saying I was not motivated. I was flawed by this insensitive comment. I responded to her, I have managed to have a shower, get in my car and drive 70km/ 44miles one way to this appointment. I am motivated. I want to get into my home…I cant’.

I left this GPs office and was fortunate that at this moment the GPs closest to me was taking new patients. It was meant to be.

If you have not read previous posts in regard to my accidental cold turkey coming off Desvenalfaxine (Pristiq), one month ago today. I do not recommend it, I have been incredibly fortunate with my withdrawal process. You really need to do it with support and being taken off it slowly.
I am still experiencing odd symptoms of withdrawal.

The importance of having someone I don’t really know come to my home and see how it really is was horrifying to me, the hoard meant no one came to visit, it kept /keeps me safe and no one comes into my home, or garden. Yet today they did, and it was wonderful. Not to feel anxious but to enjoy sharing about her garden and small business (she and her hubby grow organic veggies and salad mix sell it to the cafe I had breakfast at and other places). I shared with her that I was a hoarder and working towards recovery, a very slow process. That was all that was shared about it. we just chatted as she picked the rose hips. In exchange I received three organic eggplants/aubergines. I have not regretted even now as evening approaches her coming here. I have not felt sick in my stomach. I have felt thankful that my starter motor is kicking over.
I am glad I did not believe or agree with what my previous GP thought. For me after several years on the medication that saved my life and I am eternally grateful for it. I am through a lot of hard work and emotional distress anguish thanks to my wonderful Psychologist who has ensured that I remain on her books even when I could not afford to pay for her services(she bulked billed for me); has seen me able to have the same psychologist (as a low income earner for three + years). Prior to this I would see one for so many weeks there contract would not be renewed another would come along and I would have to start again with them, this actually I really believe made my mental health worse.

I understand not many are as fortunate as I have been in this situation. I also know it is very early days in my medication free life of a person with a diagnosed mental illness. I am just trying to eat as well as I can; which as a hoarder this is not always easy, and I not always brilliant at it. My kitchen is pretty much at the moment a state of disarray, and whilst I can prepare some things; I have been working on the kitchen. I have a floor space that has basically nothing covering it piled up a couple of inches. It is floor boards I am walking on. Things so many things have been thrown out that had been on the floor and well might be able to be saved/fixed..nope my mind now is I have been walking on this shit for a long time, (fluctuated over the course of time ).

Today started out so beautifully and as the sun sets here in southern Tasmania at 19:32 the days are drawing in, it is a clear sky and it will be a crisp night. I Love Autumn/fall. I will be going to sleep with a sense of peace. Amazing. It is so hard to explain when nearly every thing about your life when exposed to others can be so triggering and to not have that experience at all today or now made the beautiful start go all day and I feel my dreams will be peaceful.

I am thankful that there are people clever enough to work on medications that can help people such as myself get through the roughest patches. I am thankful that I am strong enough now to listen to my own voice about my mental health. I am thankful for the fact the withdrawal symptoms are lessening. I am thankful that I have a new GP who has really taken the time in the three appointments each over 40minutes bulk billed(health care card holder) to get to know me, what I have been dealing with and where and what is happening for me now. She also has spoken with my psychologist (with me permission very happily given ) and is now comfortable with where I am at to follow up in a month. (to begin with and it must be hard to meet someone first time who is coming off antidepressant cold turkey and tells you that is how it will continue. ). She was somehow concerned I may be suicidal (no matter how much I reassured her I was not. I was seeing her weekly.. for three weeks. So I did have her support for the last three weeks coming off the antidepressants. I am so fortunate and so very thankful.

my soul and heart ache for all people who are going through horrendous conflict /war situations, those who are loosing their jobs and now must survive in Russia with prices rising rapidly. Those who are defending their countries/communities in all conflicts around the world. For those who are griveing for all they have lost family friends livelihoods, pets, homes, everything. There are no words none. It does not help you I understand. I really can not do anything to help but donate money and hope it gets to organisations that will ensure all or the majority of it gets to those who need it!.

I know I am rich beyond words. I know I live in an incredibly safe place, and Have more than I need.
may you all be safe, Tazzie

March 12, 2022 3

Change is coming!

I feel so tied to the earth. I feel so different these days as a female to how I did just 10 years ago. For me living in a little remote rural area on a smallish (by Australian standards)island,the Australian Island state of Tasmania.

Like many around the world I sit and listen to news, see the pictures from Ukraine and hear the people who remain to fight of who can not leave. I hear those who have made it to safer countries. I listened to the interview from the Finish President share his great concerns. Thousands of Russian people have left via the Finish border and the concern for his country and people.
I have watched for several years before this war a couple of Russian You tubers, Just the same as me wanting to live their lives, a roof over their head, enough to eat and to live in peace enjoy their dog and family. These people will experience huge issues as sanctions impact. Yet I know that for so many Russians they will definitely suffer but they are resourceful and strong. I was in Russia back in 1998 when the Ruble crashed and banks closed overnight access to money gone. Yet the Russian people were generous to me a traveler. I also visited Kyiv and some rural villages. Here too when poverty was high and fear was ripe; things were changing so rapidly the people I met were friendly and kind, they shared stories and laughter with me. They would be me if the situation was reversed. (hard to imagine in my part of the world).

We know this is a crisis our world has not seen, as never before has Switzerland or Monaco agreed to sanctions against any other country.

In my own country, floods that are the highest recorded in 150 are occurring, NSW/QLDs tens of thousands have lost everything, and a large proportion of those have no where to sleep. More rain and storms for the areas impacted are forecast. Some of these areas were devastated by the bush fires last summer.

Bush fires have raged across the world in the last few summers. Floods typhoons, hurricanes all bigger more lives lost. Mother earth is showing her force. We are insignificant.

These are photos from flooding in my region, and bush fires across the river from my home in Huon Valley February 2019.

Women are becoming stronger and disclosing the sexual abuse and rape that they have experienced by politicians, the rich, the power brokers and being heard and believed! Women all ages are saying enough patriarchy and domination by the rich and powerful. Women are using their voices and we will no longer be kept quiet. Domestic violence and domestic murders continue in my country to be too high in numbers and women are making the Government change laws that have pandered to the patriarchy.

The concept of what is sexuality, and what defines gender, and marriage equality show the change across the world and many Christian religions are accepting, in my country the acceptance of all regardless of any gender stereotype.

Our wonderful DS Cafe in Huonville incredible support to all in the community.

I live my life very much in nature. My resident snakes are welcome to be here as I may pay rates for the land and ‘own my little acre’ It is not mine it is ours for all the animals birds and insects. (even the invasive introduced rabbits come here and feed). This land is not mine, I am merely a guardian. My intent wherever I live to ensure that all that live there are provided for.

The world is almost holding its breath, watching and so many are showing great love and passion for their fellow humans in a very public war, whilst maybe being unaware of the other wars/conflicts impacting killing maiming and taking all from so many other humans around the world. These places mean little to the average westerner. https://www.visualcapitalist.com/mapped-where-are-the-worlds-ongoing-conflicts-today/

I am awed watching the huge public response towards the people of Ukraine getting supplies in and helping the refugees. Closer to home without fanfare or publicity again the Sikh community arrived in the worst flood impacted areas to feed and offer a place of comfort. Other organisations are struggling within the communities they were there for as goods have been destroyed, and supermarkets loosing all stock. A very hard beginning to our winter season for so many. Schools have been inundated. People from all over are traveling to help with clean up but where do they stay? (ground to wet to camp on, there has been little fresh water and fresh food, or food for those impacted. A huge quandary.

Who can forget about the last few years with COVID The ongoing cost and lives lost,the concern over the long term health damage, and the new strains appearing too often. The impact of this financially around the world is also yet to be really felt. Along with this war which will impact us all around the war in a financial way.

What does it mean..a devote Christian I know believes it is the last book of the Christian Bible Revelations the signs of the end of the Earth. To this person it meant the Antichrist would rise. If that is of interest you can search for information yourself. I do not believe this in any way.

I as a believer in Gaia, nature, and all that is from that. It has taken me most of my life to know this is right for me. I searched many years of my life, via Christian religions. I never felt right there. I am far more comfortable in being in nature, the seasons as they change, the wind, and walking barefoot on the earth. My joy and feeling of connection when sitting out in the night watching the sky, and feeling the energy as I shoot Aurora Australis when the Lady of the night sky visits. My preference is not to be in group. To be in a place on my own with my dogs and camera. By the water is for me hard to explain.

I love experiencing the changing seasons (here in Tasmania we have distinct seasons), the deciduous trees as they begin to change colours (we only have a few native deciduous trees in Tasmania) to watch the non native trees who have fruited and provided me with fruit berries and nuts the leaves are colouring to the autumn colours.

I am looking forward to the Autumn Equinox. Which here in Southern Tasmania (in the Roaring Forties) usually sees gale force winds and storms. (I have noted around the Equinoxes and Solistices winds are a large part of the changes of the season heres).

Change is coming, I live in hope always. It is easy to write when I am safe from all I have written about here. I will continue to be sharing my personal life. That being living with CPTSD no longer on medication. Sharing how I live and grow fruit and vegetables. (not in a glamourised of everything done instantly and perfectly). My garden is very haphazard and to many messy and disorganised. It does not provide me with all the vegetables, fruit and nuts I eat. I want to be clear on that.
I am now so content with my choice of life. Since I was a teenager this is how I wanted to live. When I look back to where I have been most content in my life it has always been in an area of nature, with no obvious close neighbours but Not isolated. I have thrown of all the shackles that conforming to ‘what is consider normal life’ has helped me so much. It meant having none of my birth family in my life I have chosen not to have them in contact with me. A true blessing to have let go.

Change is coming, Mother earth is letting us know, the people of the world are no longer accepting things as they have always been accepted since patriarchy became ‘rulers over everyone’ and major very wealthy religious Christian organisations often under auspice of Royaltiy have forced and take so much from so many The rise of people following my personal belief is a sign that a change is coming. Disatisfaction with so much of who and how the lives of others are ordered and political disatisfaction in my country is also growing. It is an election year.

Change is coming it may be very very negative and hard for more than are suffering now. It may be a new order. It is an unknown. We are all blind as to what will change. All I can hope for is to have no fear, to stand by and support as I can those I believe in , and care and protect my patch of earth so it is a safe place for not just native animals but all life. That is provides for me as it can with my help and for the life and encourage the soil to be full of life, provide habitat, and water. Freedom of movement and peace. I am not successful at this but I get up and change what I did or improve on it. My heart and spirit know that the majority of people no matter where we live, desire to have a roof warmth and feel safe over our head, work that pays us enough to live on and save, to have a community that is supportive and respectful most of all kind. Clean air and water. Enough food to eat.

As change happens for me fear is the worst feeling I could have. (Don’t imagine I do not feel fear even now), For me if I begin to feel fearful regardless of the cause being right here in my community or near my home or over seas it breeds rapidly in me. I can become engrossed and then my fear increases. I fixate. I feel hopeless and helpless. Non of which is correct. I hold onto that and thus am not fearful.

I see ignorance of world situations not good for me either. I am not one to just live on my acre and not be part of the greater world. I do what and as I am able. I am no longer filled with angst when I can not donate be it time money or goods. I do what I can, and when I can.

Be kind, be respectful regardless if you agree with the other person. One day you may need help from that very person. Be thankful for all you have but never believe you can not loose all your material possessions in a very short time. Perhaps my views were formed early in life when my parents and my siblings lived in a flat above out business. We were away when both along with two of our neighbouring businesses and friends homes were burned to the ground. All we had was what we had taken with us for a weekend. I personally am so thankful to have experienced this as a just turned five year old I can smell it still when I smell wet wood, wet burnt anything, smoke acrid full of so many potential issues. Beloved toys, (my teddy bear was with me phew). So when I see the families fleeing Ukraine, or anywhere holding their perhaps one toy they could take. I feel the pain, when I see the families with their pets, I imagine all the ones left. The people too who are left behind both fighting and not able to leave. Farm animals and wildlife. Trees and beloved gardens all being impacted. So much to consider and I have to stop, or I will become fixated. (part of my CPtSD)

Be thankful for all you have.

blessings to You Tazzie

March 11, 2022 4

Pristiq (Desvenalfaxin) Withdrawal P5

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 13
I have not slept now for over 40 hours. I have had a lovely day today. I met up with a friend and had a coffee. Took the dogs for a walk down near Port Huon and had lunch at bakery in Geeveston I went shopping at the Tip Shop looking for items I can begin to paint and mosaic.
It is not good. I have been on a bit of a spending spree. No regrets, and I did pay for 5 new tyres outright. I have had to force myself to get stop watching the news from so many countries in regard to that war. Have I eaten well today ahhh not really. Fruit vegies, eggs and a lot of icecream and sugar.

I was triggered and reacted. Driving through Huonville (the largest town in my area) I slowed down to let traffic get out of a really horrible intersection onto the highway. The older guy probably my age, but I’M not old; came right up behind me, even though he had been several car lengths behind me, and HOOOONKED his horn..it worked well he should be very proud.
I had let the two cars onto the highway, and began to drive off in the southward direction I was heading in. The owner of the horn, tail gated me. Well not liking his bullying tactics, his impatience and his just arrogance, I slow down to 40km /25milesP/H approx. It was a 50km/31MPH speed limit and he honked me again. As I was approaching the 80km/50mph speed sign I just enjoyed my leisurely travel at 58km/36MPH speed. Enjoying the scenery of the river, and thinking about how much I will miss seeing this view as a new housing development.suburb is being built and will most likely block the view. I continued driving relaxed and singing along to one of my faviourite artists. Sitting on the 60km/37MPH speed. A lovely drive able to observe all the homes, and how many blackberries were on the bushes, if there were any wild apple trees loaded with ripening fruit tempting me to stop at on the way home.

So relaxed. I did look in the rear view mirror surprised to see my old proud Horn man still behind me. Nah I knew he was still there. I kept on driving looking at the scenery and enjoying a leisurely outing with my dogs. It is a very pretty drive along the Huon River. Quite a winding road. I sang along to my artist on the CD(yep Im old). I was very chillaxed.
I noticed the tip shop/tip on the way and decided to stop in on the way home. On we drove. My man with the Horn behind me, a little too close I felt but then he was wanting to go around me I am certain.
Oh dear other vehicles coming towards us on the broken white line (where he could over take me).
I have to be honest I did have a lovely chuckle at this.
Onwards I drive, thinking about just what a lovely morning I am having really enjoying my day so far.
The dogs were chilled. A mindful drive, relaxed and observing. Perfect.

Another opportunity for my horny friend to be able to get around me coming up. I could see he was getting his speed up and I am not a nice woman…I chuckled more vehicles coming towards us where he could have gone around me easily.

A while later my mate had pulled of the road. Perhaps frustrated enough to call the police. I do know he took a photo of my cars rear end with rego plate. It would not give any idea of the speed, and my car needs a wash, she is not looking her best.

I just kept driving at the speed I had been, sure there had been a bit of a line up behind me, and several cars over the course of the next several opportunities to overtake did so safely and responsibly. All the while I had not increase my speed. As I say I was really enjoying the leisurely pace. I was not doing it out of annoyance at Mr Proud Horn. I was enjoying my drive. After 23kms/14miles. I turned off the highway into the Geeveston shopping precinct. Popped in to a new aquaintance I had met at Christmas times bakery, that had been opened only two weeks. A huge slice of quiche, and an apple turn over in my bag and back into the car. Thinking where next. Return home but first I would pull in at Port Huon park and go down near the sailing club. Let the dogs out for a wee and sniff as I ate the tasty delicious, Huge piece of quiche just looking up the river, at the gray clouds and mist where Huonville was hiding under. Satiated back into the car next stop the tip shop. (locals take their rubbish if they do not have pick up) and items they do not want to anymore and the tip shop sells them.

After doing my quibbling over price, and delighted with it, paid my bill and homeward bound. Me singing along to my CD and Miss Treacle perhaps trying to stop me from singing with her paw. Home fed the chooks and the dogs.
I began to do some painting which I was enjoying. I was trying to just let go and not be tight in my body as I painted. I Like what I did and am excited to feel like and acting on being creative.
Tomorrow I am feeling that I will do some work on sorting out and getting rid off stuff, along with cleaning. Just a small area I have in my mind. Achievable.

Symptom wise, so anger (was I angry at the guy for honking) Personally i feel more that it was to do with his impatience. I did not scream or yell at him or any situation or creatures at all today.
Is that an improvement? I want to think it is.
Light headedness, but that is probably more about not sleeping for 24 hours at that point.
I have an inablity to switch off the computer and go to bed.

I have no stabbing zappy feelings in my hands, feet, legs, arms anymore. My joints have been quite sore as to my muscles. I am still experiencing personal thermostat challenges.

My mind is slowing tonight. I guess exhaustion will assist with that. Have I said no burping or nausea at all. Even feeling as I do, I am much happier with how I feel and not sure how to word this but how I AM doing things. Happy to do a small area of my kitchen tomorrow , if more happens wonderful. My goals are not high in this process. Takes off the need to alphabetise, put all my clothes in colour co-ordinated runs.

I am so so happy I have insight into what this is apart from withdrawal (sudden) off Desvenalfaxine.

I also feel as if my lability is not as prominent. I have not cried more than once today. I am not so happy about the volume of food I consumed today or more so its less than healthy way of eating.

I have had trouble with finding words I am looking for, and my feet are freezing right now, so painful that my broken toe is throbbing. Reminder it is Summer here in Tasmania (well all of Australia).

One thing I have found really strange is the volume of water I am drinking. I have recently had fasting and the other blood test to check for all diabetes and was great for both. My blood pressure was wonderful for me.

I am thankful that I did not get angry when triggered. I was mischievous but so relaxed.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

February 26, 2022 4

Being Content in My Discontent

I have been working so hard the last few days to not get bogged down with all that is going on in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for all I have and for where I live. It kind of feels like I am not really a part of the rest of the world.

My valley in the southern part of Tasmania (island state of Australia), in fact the whole state I live in has been incredibly fortunate in regards to Covid and the Delta variety especially. I am halfway vaccinated and will receive my second dose in a few days. It feels inevitable that the Delta strain will reach its tentacles to our island and the valley at some point.

It would be so very easy right now for me to be saying why why why, Busby my large dog has torn his cruciate Ligament, and having had a previous experience with the surgery and recovery of another dog I am reluctant to put him through this surgery. Right now he is basically on house rest, lol lock down I guess. He is not in pain as he is on a once a week for four weeks injection and another medication a syrup that is for inflammation and also helps relax him. Cost is certainly a huge issue, instead I am looking at the success rate of braces for stablising the joint.

My plumbing needs some work in the kitchen and I have still have a leak that needs to re-repaired as the previous repairer made it worse.
My stove has stopped working because mice have made a home in it and taken all the insulation out making it too dangerous to use. (rural stoves hot plates and oven all in one are supposed to be sealed to prevent this). The hot plate is usable thankful for that and I purchased an Instant pot/air fryer which has been the best kitchen item I have purchased in years. Especially if you are a family of one or two. Mine is 8 litres (quarts?) which sounds large however it gives me food to freeze or eat over a few days. I love doing a roast in it. It slow cooks and is a pressure cooker, sadly not suitable for doing canning. The window frames need sanding, undercoating and painting. My car needs new tyres and a service.
Instead of wallowing or allowing myself to fixate and sink back I am looking instead at being thankful for the fact I have a car that is working, I have a solid roof over my head with a small leak, Busby is happyish (not being able to play with his best friend Toby up the road is really hard for him but he is doing well so I am grateful for that.

Mice have invaded my home, its not unusual in the countryside in winter, but add to that my hoarding issues they are so damn hard to get rid of. I am not going to use any poison as we used to have owls but a couple of years ago my neighbour and I both used poison and sure got rid of the pests but also the owls it seems. I also worry my chooks might eat one mouse that is poisoned.
I have captured many in peanut butter baited traps, and I have an electric one that was also baited with peanut butter. The bait had gone but no mouse. I am weirdly grateful in a way, to the best of my ability at present I have been removing stuff out of the house.
I took boxes and electronic waste to the tip where the e-waste went in a special bin but the books were sadly found by the mice so they were put in the paper recycling. These were books my partner had and they were second or third hand as he rarely purchased new books. It had taken me 11 years to remove the books from the house. I am so pleased I have accomplished these two things.

It is impossible to describe to anyone who really has not any comprehension or understanding of what being a hoarder is like. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this yet I am moving forward as now instead of fleeing the house, and calling it the house, I am content in my discontent. I have been talking with my psychologist regularly through out the time I was not blogging. I also was not following my routine. This is always a symptom of my discontent.

What I am finding really hard right now is that I am not depressed I know I am not. Yet I feel a bit like when your car battery is going flat. You know when the engine does not turn but tries too and you keep trying to get it too but it does not and you end up flattening the battery completely. I feel like my mind and body connection are in that situation. I keep trying and begin something finishing it or get distracted by something else it remains incomplete.

So now my Psychologist is feeling that I now my depression and even my anxiety are more stable she feels it may be ADHD. She would like my GP to refer me to the Psychiatrist again. When she shared this I dissociated I basically blacked out…which on a zoom call where I am on my own was worrying for her. I was not out for very long I was able to bring myself back and emailed her to let her know. I know why this happened as when I was going for the Disabilty pension the original psychiatrist wanted me to take medication for ADHD (I could not get the script filled so he became frustrated with me and would not see me anymore, I was at the point in my illness to give it a try ). The whole situation with this psychiatrist was horrible he never called me by the right name and would ask me how my job was going. I had not worked for several years at the time I was seeing him. Now I need to see a psychiatrist again. It brings ups emotions however instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed I am saying to myself look at where you are now to where you were then, I am so thankful for that, I am also content with the discontent.

Each day I aim to complete one thing. On top of my routine. For example today I went in the garden for a while and was looking at one of my fruit trees where grass was encroaching. I began to pull the grass out as I did the temperature dropped and I was going to go inside. Instead I completed the task. It did not take long I came inside and had a shower. I made myself a meal and was content even though I sit surrounded by mess.

As hard as it has been to become content with my home/financial/personal issues I am happier. I am achieving things as slowly as it may be and the people who may say just get up and do it/your are just lazy take me back to the beginning of this post. No one who has never experienced mental illness/hoarding will have not understanding or comprehension of the reality of living like this.
I DO NOT WANT TOO LIVE LIKE THIS. BUt right now as I improve I am content with my discontent.

I am grateful for not being ill physically, I am for clean air, rain, full rain water tanks. For being able to budget for bigger costs. I am grateful that I continue to move forward no matter how miniscule the distance.

blessings to You, Tazzie

August 24, 2021 2

All things beginning with C.

I think it is Tuesday March 17th, just checked and it is. it is 13:20 on a stunning Autumn day in the Huon Valley my home region in Tasmania. I have taken a while to get a sense of what happened recently the after affects impaired me and I felt no desire to do or be anywhere, to be with anyone, just being with my dogs, chooks and at home is the recovery and medicine I have required. It has taken time, and a lot of management strategies to not sink towards the black hole, it would have been so easy. I work constantly at not going back.

I moved on from beating myself up and began to consider what a really good person I am. Compassionate, to empathetic and kind. Would I change myself NO. No I am me, and I honestly do like me more and more. I am so very very fortunate to be able to be totally myself and still part of such an incredible community. I sigh as I write and know that I am so very very fortunate. I m safe here. What an incredible gift that is.

I look at the horse tail wispy clouds with the blue sky listening to the hum of bees, and flies, the chug of a Aquaculture vessel coming up the river and feel the sun beating on my legs as I watch cabbage moths trying to find unprotected brassicas to lay her eggs on. My dogs are chewing bones near bye. I am aware of the European wasp that has invaded Tassie. As it will seek out any meat left outside as too flies. I know that is why the blowies (blow flies) are zooming about Miss Treacle as she is eating hers. Busby’s is all gone.

A wattle bird just let out a call that is hard to describe and was answered by another. This morning I have let out the chicks and Frida Kahol too free range in the chook run with everyone else. She is an incredible Mamma, I am a bit fearful as I lost two chicks in one fowl swoop to a grey Goshawk two weeks ago. The decision was made by Frida as I had put a fence (I use it on the deck to keep the wallabies off it at night) around their chick house. I had let them out and was tending to the other hens and Roopert when I heard much distressed chirping Frida Kahol had flown the coop! The smallest of the chicks, a bantam I feel as it is a great deal tinier than the others, had managed to get through the bars but the other six chicks were not able to follow their Mamma.

I had to remove the fence and allow nature and Frida to take their chances with the remaining seven chicks. I have noticed that Henny (the darker of my two brown hens her sister is Penny) is broody and I am working hard to ensure that I do not have more chicks this season.

I have also it seems been able to keep all the poultry in the run. I do miss seeing them outside in the paddock, I do not miss the digging up of plants and seeds, and dust bathing hollows they leave in my garden and paddock where I can stumble into them unwittingly.

It is green looking over the river and at parts of my paddock grass, yet here on this side of the river we have had little rain compared to across the river. It is very surreal to be sitting here in March with almost full rain water tanks (from a couple of weeks ago) and green grass. It is normally dry and I ponder if I need to consider buying water.

Am I repeating myself. Maybe its Ok, Pretty normal for me after being triggered.

Life has not stood still even with the emotions and dealing with the aftermath of being triggered. I have shared previously that I have been waiting on being notified of when I will be having a colonoscopy, unlike the USA in Australia you do not automatically have one on turning 50. Here it is only if there is a concern. I was listed in the highest priority case due to symptoms. I had not heard anything and the timeline I should have heard had passed.
There are some things having been an RN helps with, and that is feeling able to contact the appropriate department to inquire. So last week I did phone them to discover my file was in a drawer, and who knows if I had not called when I might have heard. (off course my mind has taken me to dying with colon cancer and all that goes with it in the months I have been waiting). Knowing that Australia has one of the highest rates of colon cancer in the world does not help. Early diagnosis is the best help to survival.
I rang and was rung back the next day first thing in the morning. I am booked in soon. I have recieved all the instructions in the mail, and I feel that the actual preparation will be far worse than the procedure, having worked in colonoscopy as a casual RN I am very aware of what occurs and I am not too concerned about the procedure. My only concerns were with what to do with my dogs.

The thing that is extremely difficult for me with my CPTSD is actually telling people in the first place and then asking for someone to assist me in anyway. I find it almost impossible to ask for help.
At first I thought right I can not bare the thought of telling anyone, and I can not bare the thought of being away from my dogs. I wanted to drive myself there and back both things not supported by the hospital or I imagine my insurance. So I considered a dog friendly B and B for two nights. (My hospital wants you to be with someone overnight after the procedure, as its policy). That is not going to happen. I am not having a general anesthetic, it is a twilight one. While it is not safe enough to drive myself home, I do not need anyone with me overnight.
I did share with someone who has kindly offered to drive me and bring me home. The appointment is made and I will be away from home less than 6 hours all up (proviso that all goes well). My dogs are quite content to be at home as long as they have had a run and used their bowels. So I put logic and fugal me in charge and will be home before and after the procedure.

I am now aware of how much distress was on me with not having any acknowledgement other than the letter advising me I was highest priority a date range that had past and me taking the bull by the horns and following up.
I am so pleased I found the courage to do that. If anyone in Australia is in a similar situation contact the Endoscopy unit and ask them when your procedure will be please.

I have also been accepted for the National Disability Scheme (NDIS), and have a meeting with someone from their in the near future to see what I might need. As my mental illness/s has seen me accepted on the Disability Support Pension (DSP) it means that I can request my psychology appointments be on the NDIS, and that means my Psychologist can bulk bill me. I am not sure how she has been charging me before this, as I have paid nothing to see this wonderful woman.
The veggie garden is doing OK my tomatoes the few I have picked have been delicious, I noted this morning something has taken two green tomatoes and pecked them I am blaming the blackbirds or starlings. I have pumpkins, and a couple of zucchinis. My peppers are fruiting but will they ripen before the cold sets in? Not a cucumber or tomatillo has appeared. I have at some stage to pull up the sweet potatoes. I hold no hope for any this year. I will cut some slips for next year. I have not emptied my last pot of potatoes as they have not flowered yet.
It has been a better year this year for veggies than last year and I learn as I go. I am averaging 3 eggs a day. I will be winter glassing a lot of eggs. To provide me with eggs during the off season. I do not want to burn my girls out with keeping them laying or year. As hens only have as many eggs in their systems as they will lay over the course of their life.

I have not showered in way too long, and will be soon, I have been eating a bit better, and generally getting to bed early. Dogs are walking I am driving. Right now I am really just focusing on the things I need to do for next period of time and as too diet I have to follow instructions nearly every thing I actually eat is not on my menu for next period of time. Clear broths, clear juices, I have minimised my coffee in take already. I have noticed that the preparation fluid for the colonoscopy has aspartame in it sigh I really dislike any artificially sweeteners, but I have no choice. Thankfully I can take my medication.

While I know I am anxious about what is still to occur and the results. Just knowing the date and time it is going to happen is a relief.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

March 17, 2021 3

Springing into the Summer Garden;

I find that growing vegetables can be for me somewhat hit and miss. Last years crops well some were terrific, majority not so. I see it as always learning. Part of living I believe is to always learn new things.

The quality of my photos is not great so apologies.

The weather has been warm to hot here in Southern Tasmania. Not as hot as mainland Australia thankfully. Where many parts of the eastern seaboard had days over the weekend hitting
40dC /104dF. In my gorgeous valley we were fortunate hitting 30dC/86dF. Apparently the temperature average for November 2020, was higher than the average temperature for December 2019. No wonder everything is suddenly taking off.

I am not sure if it was a wallaby or a hen that flattened my garlic. The leaves as you will see are not great. I know there is garlic under there and at least one is a resonable size. I will have to buy garlic this year for the first time in almost 20 years. Very sad. At least I can get locally grown from organic garlic cloves. I will also have to buy enough to save cloves to plant in Autumn. My walking onions in the wheel barrow continue to grow with no real care apart from watering from me. Great greens and the tiny onions are lovely added to soups whole and stews. I even use them in toasted sandwiches. My Aspargus bed has given me enough nibbles over the last few months. I have left a lot just go to seed and to develop in the understanding the roots will grow and strengthen.

Walking onions foreground red currant to the right distance aspaargus gone to seed left, and marigolds right.

I planted out tomatoes, capsicums,eggplants/aubergines and chillis.

I purchased one Eggplant seedling which you can see in the photo on the bed. I had sown seeds for a long thin eggplant but no seed seemed to be germinating, when I purchased the large seedling. So I was pleasantly surprised that they have know germinated. They are tiny. There is room for them to grow. I put the eggplants in this bed protected. It is a corrugated bed quite deep. My only success with eggplants was growing them in the bed where my corriander is currently. It was stuck in the corner closest to where the sun hit the corrugated side for the highest number of hours. I have hopes for them this year.

I was amazed to have two chillis that survived hidden among the broad beans crop which I have harvested and obviously removed the stems. I have chopped and dropped them in the area and will add them to beds to compost down in place.

Chilli and Capsicum/Pepper bed, with the
Sea Holly (flowering )plant, a perennial (foreground).

I was able to get some sweet potato slips from a nursery. I had no luck with growing my own off sweet potatoes purchased in the fruit and vegetable shop. I believe it is most likely they are treated by Tasmania’s Quarantine Services rendering them sterile.
I love watching Youtube videos on growing sweet potatoes in a cooler climate. Of course I get sucked down into the wormhole of Youtube. Bringing myself back from the Youtube wormhole. I made sure my soil had what they like. The plot is in direct sunlight. I mounded them up and watered them in well. The slips had been growing well in their pots. They look good the next morning even though I had found one of my hens had got into the vegie garden. Fortunately doing no damage to any of my newly planted seedlings.

I am continuing to use my cheaper version of Ollas for helping to keep the soil moist. They worked well last year. They are really simple I was able to purchase terracotta pots and with no holes, the saucer is large enough to cover the top as the lid. See above photo . I have dug in one as the sweet potatoes 4 are on mounds I have to put the second one into the ground yet. I place them so the lip is just above the level the woodchips as a cover to help keep the moisture in the soil.

I had not been keeping an eye on the weather forecast. The last two days have been wild here with gale force wind, temps down to 10dC/50dF over night 16dC / and so far my seedlings including sweet potatoes are hanging in there literally!
Unfortunately the cooler weather with rain is forecast for the next week or so. Of course it is. I am not complaining about the rain. My water tanks (of which I am totally reliant for all my water needs) have plenty of room for it. Who knows what the seedlings will do. This is the nature of vegetable growing outside in the roaring forties and living in the region of Australia I do. I am wondering how bad it may get around the Summer Solstice as normally the wind is worse either side of that. You have to just go with the flow as they say.

As you can see in the above photos fruit and nuts are doing well. In my chicken run I have had white centred cherries on my tree for the first time ever and it has been years. It only had about seven and I managed to beat the birds to three of them one left today bright red and sweet.

My mood has lifted and I have also been walking with my dog/s in the morning. My big dog Busby has been bitten on one of his front paws toe, by a Jack Jumper ant and is suffering in pain. As I tried to see what was causing his pain for the first time ever in 5 years he growled at me. That is how much pain he is in. Having been bitten myself I totally understand and the pain

I have a sweet cherry and a morello cherry (this one is in a pot on the deck), Several more apples and plums in the paddock, the fig is growing but has no fruit for summer. I feel it is not getting enough sun where it is now the peach is so big. Plans to move it in winter remove it from its wine barrel.
I have two passionfruit seedlings to plant out yet. They are not keen on the wind so I am really happy I waited. There a couple of other fruit trees in the chook run that I had really thought had given up. I do not recall any of the fruit. None will bear this year.
Even though I have had a huge area of black berries removed; they are considered a weed in Australia and grow wild. I have a heap that grow on the easement that the council own on my boundary. They gave me wonderful berries last year.

So much more still to put into the vegetable garden this summer.

I am so thankful for being so fortunate to have so much potential bounty. I am also thankful for living in an area that is full of wonderfully local fresh fruit berries, meat, fish in the river..I may buy a rod soon as I love flathead and it is in the river.

I am so thankful that I am moving forward again in my managing my CPTSD and overcoming the reactions to triggers. Thank you for all the kind words. They mean so much to me.

blessing to You. Tazzie

December 2, 2020 2

So fortunate

The wet weather has gone for the time being. This morning after a very stormy wet night it was lovely to wake up to blue sky even if it is still somewhat winy.

When I went out this morning I discovered how lucky I had been!

A large branch had fallen off one of my eucalyptus trees in my driveway. during the storm. It missed my car. How wonderful was that! Interestingly I had been parking my car about where the branch landed over the previous few days.

I had things in the boot so I parked closer to my house when I returned home yesterday. I am very thankful my car is OK.

A pruning saw and 15 minutes of sawing had the branch removed. Just one of the things you have to be able to attend to. I may now think about a chain saw..just in case.

The wind continues today and I watch the big trees bending in the winds, My plans to work in the garden on the fence for the chickens were not followed up.

The gals are all settling in well. Only two I believe are laying at this point in time. One egg is tiny and the hen lays one every three days at present. The other hen or two give me an egg every day/36 hours or so. The other girls will start laying in the next month or two.

I am surprised that one hen continues to sleep in her tree over night (gale winds last night). I did try putting her in the hen house one night; she is very much her own hen! Choosing the tree. Happy hens and happy me with lovely fresh eggs.

six lovely hens settled safe and dry out of the wind.

if you look closely you will see a chicken shape shadow : my crazy hen who sleeps in the trees even in gale wind and heavy rain.

The days are lengthing as the ‘Georgian calendar welcomes Spring. Here in Australia Spring begins September 1st. It is quite interesting though as it does not really represent the beginning of the blossoms flowering beginning. My garden here in Tasmania has had daffodils, jonquils, flowering for over a month now. I imagine further north they have been blooming for longer.

The end of a beautiful sunny day even with the wind.
I am so fortunate and thankful for all I have.

Blessings to you, Tazzie

August 28, 2020 7

Life’s like that.

May be triggering. All words, experiences and photos are mine please do not share or copy without my permission.

We have been having stunning winter days here in the Huon Valley Tasmania. It is so lovely that even though it may only be 15dC/59dF you can work in the garden in a t-shirt. My plans to work in the garden today went out the window.

In a interesting and somewhat horrendous experience of dealing with living with my mental illness. Yet the out come of the experience is positive for me. It will get more and more positive as I work through it as is my normal process.

It is hard to believe it is the end of July. I am at least feeling some what improved mentally living with CPTSD/PTSD and learning to move forward, whilst dealing with so many historical things which trigger me are tiring. I do believe the overwhelming tiredness is something that so many people just have no comprehension of for those of us living and working through our mental illness.

I had an appointment with my wonderful psychologist today. Which was timely. I could not work out why I had ceased my walking my dogs. I had been really enjoying doing it regardless of the weather. (OK being truthful) the dogs would make me get up and go, and the feeling of enjoyment after the walk and lift in my spirits were such a great benefit, I was thankful that I had got up and done the walk. This has not happened for over a month now.

I realised I was triggered by someone who I do not really know (lovely older lady who had been staying with her family up the road and has been stuck here in Tasmania due to the borders of the state she is from being closed. Due to Covid -19) . She was being encouraging and I understand this when she commented on how wonderful I was doing walking every day.

For me though that was a trigger. Weird but true. I just stopped.

It has been on my mind and frustrated me as I could not understand why her kindly meant words of encouragement floored me.

So glad I shared this with my Psychologist. In our discussion she asked me what would occur in my family situation when there was any sort of comment. Generally it would be a kind of backhanded one. You would be so pretty if you lost weight. Is the one that is embedded in my mind. Yet as a child I swam competitively representing my local region at the town/ city region meet. I played competitive hockey, did gymnastics, including uneven bars, and beam.

So when my psychologist began to take me through what appears to be happening, and asked me how I responded to these sorts of comments. Did I rebel and do the opposite. I began to get a feeling of being really nauseous. I felt like I was going to be ill. I really went into a weird sense of my mind being totally blank. I shared all this with her. I experience somatic issues often when dealing with the things I have blocked.

As I have dissociated in previous meetings, she thought it best if we moved away from this area and came back to it in another appointment. I for some reason just could not move anywhere. I am not saying I dissociated. I was very aware of everything happening and it was just blankness in my head, and the nausea and an overwhelming tiredness was coming over me.

I pushed through it to let her know I was present, but just not able to think and it became obvious as we moved away from the topic. I struggled to find the right words yet I was not aware of what I was thinking. I was just so ill and exhausted. Perhaps part of this was my making a serious effort not to dissociate. I want to deal with it. I even said that I am sure. Yet I knew I was not able to and had to say I could not do any more today. Which was perfectly OK. I have complete control in our appointments Which is something that helps me and I know I am always safe.

We ended our meeting(internet) and I just lay on the couch dozing. My dogs were outside today, and for once I feel this was a good thing as I know Miss Treacle would have been extremely concerned. She was anyway when I did let them back in an hour later.

I lay on the lounge just overcome with this blankness, nausea and tiredness. Where as before the appointment I had been busy and planning my shopping and attending the washing. Intending to go and do some work in the garden afterwards. It all came to a stop.

I must have dozed off. I roused due to Miss Treacle barking to be let inside. Both dogs kept looking at me wanting their run. I took them for their walk/run. I drove and did not want to meet anyone, or have the neighbours dog play with Busby today. Thankfully that did not happen. It was a quick trip.
I spent the afternoon on the lounge unable to do much at all. The blankness of my head began to clear and I began to review what I could of this mornings appointment.

As my psychologist had indicated I had reacted to this lady’s comment as I had in the past to family comments. I rebelled and that was to do the complete opposite.
It was quite interesting for me, as the nausea went even though the tiredness is still present even as I write. Obviously my mind is no longer blank. I will be going to bed early after my shower.

I am so thankful to have had this experience as hard as it has been today, yet again there has been an ahh haa moment.

I understand why I do the complete opposite now when someone comments on something I see as just everyday thing. I will as with every ahh haa moment over the last few years spent working with a psychologist and my own abilities move through this slowly but with a whole new understanding and appreciation for how incredible our minds are! How even when I was traumatised so often in my young life and onto my adolescence and even adulthood often powerless it seemed to cope. My mind developed a life saving tool. I appreciate it so much.

As I do believe this has been what has kept me here alive. It is also the reason I am becoming me totally me. Sometimes beginning , be brave enough to share and begin working through these horrendously hard dark moments takes so much out of me. Yet the moment the connections are identified in that ahh haa moment, I feel real, I understand sort of, and I feel a moment of connection with the child, the adolescent and me the adult.

I value all the parts that make me who I am today.

It is not the last time I will walk this bumpy path. With its rabbit holes dark and long that I could venture in. Into the black hole. I have no desire to go back their. I still struggle not to follow the winding rabbit path leading to the blackness. I have tools now, which help me. I have been in the shelter of the rabbit hole opening but I am sticking my head and body back out and moving away. Back into the colours. Moving forward again.

I am finding that it takes effort and strength of mind to listen, to fight, and to be thankful to all that has protected me throughout my life. For me to be in control, in charge,applying boundaries and acceptance that I choose. I am stronger than I thought, and I am so proud of where I am. I realise there will be more times like this last six+ weeks.

I have come through it feels, with things to work through and move on from. I am being very kind to myself. I am OK. It has been a good day! Crazy but true it has been a good day.

I appreciate everyone who reads this. If you are someone with CPTSD/PTSD it is important to be kind to yourself.

I am so thankful for my psychologist. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for all I have.

blessings to You. Tazzie

July 30, 2020 3

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