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My Life with CPTSD.

May be triggering.

My colonoscopy went really well, all clear 3 lovely photos of my colonoscopy and feedback that the preparation was excellent. Nothing at all found. So very good news.

Yet I have not been not doing very well in my mental health. In fact it has been a dive.

I have not wanted to post here and it has been really hard to begin again. As my aim is to be truthful about my life with my mental illness Complex post traumatic stress disorder. The plot has been totally lost and I am not depressed as such. Or am I? That is what is so confusing to me.

It does seem so strange to feel this way after good news of a very healthy colon.

My anxiety before hand was worse than I realised, so much in hindsight I made plans talking to a friend about what would be best for my dogs. She would take them.. extreme.

I am realising that I kind of wanted to die. WOAH. Now I have to reassure you all I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. Yet this is the only thing that makes any sense to me. When I acknowledged this I began to cry. Not just cry but felt so lost and realised I just wanted to be with my partner. Who died almost 11 years ago. My stomach dropped and I felt really nauseous when this was going on. It was several days after the colonoscopy. So not related to the procedure or the very light anesthetic.

I am now realising (I perhaps should have contacted my psychologist because I have hit a very extreme place and my hope in sharing this as often happens when I write my posts help me see and and work through the situation and emotions.

The Autumn weather has been brilliant, hot and blue skies/ That is up until the last two days with snow down to 700meters/2296 ft. lots of heavy rain my tanks are overflowing again. I only mention this as some might feel vitamin D may be an issue.

What I have realised, is that without my brother and sister-in-law who for reasons I am now longer in touch with for my wellbeing, being at the end of the phone, there is no one who I can be comforted and just loved supported bye who I trust totally. My partner was that person and this is really the first medical thing with potential of serious consequences I have faced since my breakdown and issues related to my mental illness.

I miss my partner, every day, and very rarely talk about him. Even with my psychologist I have only mentioned him in very general passing. However the time may be needed at our next appointment.

All I know is I have been drinking alcohol more than I really have in many many years. A lot for me and the fact how I drink it is perhaps even more a symptom. I am making home made baileys. So easy to drink and I have been through almost two bottles of scotch. It also requires a lot of condensed milk and whilst delicious, and very easy to drink. When my partner died I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain and loss. I am usually incredibly conscientious of alcohol as we have alcoholism in our family both maternal grandparents, and my father is too though he would say he isn’t (2 bottles of wine for 2 people each night along with one or two whisky’s). I also have bought a few small alcohol mixed bottles these have not all gone, still have 3 left out of 8. I have not been buying anything much in the way of other sweet products.

I have not been eating well and I have become addicted to shopping online and playing computer games. Showering and cooking gone out of the window, my dogs normal diet has gone, they are still getting exercise I am getting very little. At least most of the shopping is where I fail to purchase things on line with wish and my money gets refunded.

The house strange I am taking the odd thing out still. It is not
My garden I left the gate open one night and the wallabies dined on lovely tomatoes and all my greens. I am thankful they did not get my pumpkins but they have damaged other plants.

So basically my desire to die was really my desire for comfort by the person I loved most in my life.

I am so thankful for the ability to have medical checks that can alert us to potential problems. I am incredibly thankful for the results of my procedure. I am especially thankful that I wake up each day. Even on those that are not my best ones.

blessings to You, Tazzie

13 thoughts on “My Life with CPTSD.

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  1. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a difficult phase. No one ever gets over the loss of a loved one. The pain does lessen a bit as time goes by, but it never goes away. So be assured that what you are feeling is natural, no matter how many years go by.

    It’s OK to be sad and it’s a shame the western world frowns upon sadness and sorrow as something to be got over. It’s natural and automatic in your situation especially.

    I see the depth of your sorrow as a measure of how much you miss your loved one and the friendship and love you shared.

    Alcohol makes one more depressed, so while it seemingly deadens your depth of emotion, it doesn’t really help overall.

    I find the best way to not indulge is to not buy it (alcohol). As to online computer games, I have become addicted to Korean Netflix, especially romances and dramas. I have forced myself to stay awake till 3,4, or once when my back and hip pain was worse than usual, 5.30am (before I went to bed). I give no excuses as to what one indulges in, only to say that the more I watch, the busier my brain becomes and the harder to get to sleep (sometimes). It’s my life and no one is qualified to criticise but me.

    With COVID curfew and lockdown in Melbourne last year, I’m sure you and I are not the only ones with online addiction.

    Great news on the colonoscopy front. It’s good to be reassured by this minor procedure which is actually so easy to recover from. I have to have one every 2 years and I never think twice about the outcome. I just treat it as one more procedure in my health journey.

    I’d love to see some photos of your current garden and crops. I can’t replant until my lower back and hip pain (from last Decembers total hip replacement) reduces and I can carry heavy watering cans again. I miss my balcony garden every day, but it was commonsense to rehome 95% last year before surgery and rehab.

    …..and time to get organised with your doggy diets – remember they are depending on their human owner for their health and wellbeing. Sometimes I think my brother’s dog eats better than my brother. The best thing about dog pets is they provide unconditional love and are good listeners. Talk to them. Out loud. They are a wonderful ‘shoulder to cry on.’

    In the meantime, I’m thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is such good news about your colonoscopy, and I am glad it has given you back some perspective on life and blessings, small as they might seem. Take care, best wishes for continuing health, both physical and mental.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry to hear you’ve been struggling at the moment. It sounds incredibly difficult and the colonoscopy opened up some older wounds for you.
    You do miss you partner, I can hear that in this your post. You miss your partner desperately and that is OK.
    When you feel like this try to be kind to yourself and get through these tough times. Build emotional strength to cope with the rough patches in the moments when you feel a little better. Refuse to give up.
    Change does and will come. The bad times can’t last forever just like good times don’t last forever.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hey dear lady, your not going to believe this but I just got a comment from you in my email…from 12 months ago. From Rhapsody’s site about the virus that I had been babbling about and was very wrong I might add. I had three attempts at replying but her site, and for the very first time I might add, refused to accept it. Yes, worpress has gone bonkers…I’ll try to paste it here as it also had a comment about my magpies….

    Hi Tazzie, your not going to believe this but your above comment has only just came through in my email. (And I just tried to answer your above comment and it rejected it). My site has been carrying on like a kite in a windstorm but this has to take the cake. Since it has been so long (12 months…and it wasn’t in my junk folder)) since this comment, yes, I was very wrong in my comment. So much has changed in just 1 year. It is now looking like changing and they have barely been able to control it with a vaccine. Thankfully down here we have isolated it but it still bobs up even after all that we do. It will only take one to slip through the system and off we go again.
    By the way, my magpies are happily feeding out of my hand but I still can’t get the young one close enough so I can grab her and get that piece of nylon string wrapped around her foot off. She is limping very badly now and wasn’t looking very good but as she can get food easily now she has perked up a bit. And I also found out that bread is a no, no. It affects their inner system and weakens their beaks, eggs etc, like a reduction of calcium in their bodies. I’ve resorted to a mixed cat food that has vegetable and meat in it and I soak it in a bit of water and they seem quite happy with it. The good part is they aren’t fully relying on it and most of the day they are happily feeding around the lawns and tree’s etc.
    Anyway, may we all get through our journey without too many fluffed up feathers and fly smoothly. Oh, and I followed you again, I haven’t been getting any of your posts and missed heaps. Fingers now crossed, on both hands 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 😂 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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