Hoarder within; Enough is enough?

(May be triggering )
How truly incredible this thing called the internet is! It is through this that I was able to discovery a online support group based on the mainland of Australia. Facilitated by those who have and are managing their hoarding I assume. It was like so many things easy for me to type in the interest in joining the support group and I was relieved when I was accepted. (not being in the state and it is a state health organisation operating the support meetings, I was unsure if I would be accepted). It turned out I am not the only interstate attendee.
Only one meeting in and it was at times a bit stilted as we all I guess dealt with our own anxieties about this meeting. My levels of anxiety were so extreme. Yet I set the alarm, and abnormally for me I had no desire to go and do anything, as in flee or not connect. My more normal response to new situations.

The fact is knowing that hoarding is a major issue in many countries, and impacts individuals, families and communities is one thing. I knew other people hoarded. I knew! Really I knew!
What I felt in meeting these other people was wow, I am not alone. I am not incompetent, I am not a failure, I am non of the things I have beaten myself up about or labelled myself; ashamed of how I Live and how I have somehow let my whole home become a place that bewilders me everyday.. and yet I manage to live in it. I make meals, I rarely eat out and the meals I make in my kitchen are fresh and tasty but I would not cook anything for anyone else…my kitchen is a hoarders, my meals do not make me ill. I wash my clothes, and dry them at present over my stair rails with the fire going, (winter here ). I can shower, and my toilets work.

The other major thing I have done, is asked for someone who specialises in helping clean and organise hoarders homes.(at least that is the blurb), I sent a message honest explaining my mental illness and I am a hoarder, how ashamed and full of anxiety I am just to ask for the quote. I received a lovely response which helps a little. I now wait for the person to contact me and hopefully make a date and time for doing the quote. Knowing that when that comes emotions will again surface and anxiety.
Being on a National Disability Insurance Scheme Pension does give me some funding for support. I did not really understand much about the support, and agreed to have house and gardening funding even though I really REALLY did not want or need it. As it was for a few hours a month. I am fortunate that my psychologist appointments are funded on the scheme. Something I will be eternally thankful for.

I ended up sending a request to my co-ordinator asking if instead of the monthly hours and cost/payment could the amount be utilised in helping me deal with the hording. My co-ordinator was so happy that I had asked for help..I am to send the quote to her and my hope is they will cover it. Now my anxiety is about how much it will cost. I have to breathe deeply as I write as I can feel myself going down the vortex of all the other what ifs, etc.

I now having made the calls, and the MASSIVE STEP to ask for help publicly announcing my situation even though I have shared with people neighbours and friends others that I am a hoarder, this, This step a business specialising in hoarding..really seriously I don’t need that I can do it
I will for my own coping mechanism have to take the person on the journey I had with a previous attempt to assist me clean my home and get rid of the ‘rubbish’ which destroyed my trust and made my hoarding worse. It is the only way for me to begin to have to trust again someone coming into my home and respectfully supporting me through a big step I know is not going to be easy. I know is going to be so bloody hard at times. But I also KNOW I am ready, I know for my mental health to continue to improve my home can not remain as it is. I can not live anymore like this, and it is so wrong for my dogs; who are not at risk or are they suffering, neglected or any other concerns anyone may have. My dogs are the highest priority in my life believe me. It is also wrong for me.

My dream is to have a plumber come in and fix my leaking kitchen pipe (not sure how many years that has been there but at least 2 or more) It is basically impossible to wash up in my kitchen. I may also be able to finally find the leak in my kitchen wall and have that fixed! Such very small things. The leaking pipe was not the reason I have become a hoarder, but my hoard is why neither of these things have been fixed. Not being able to wash up properly has let the kitchen basically become perhaps the worst room in the house. Ahhh here I go running off ahead of myself. Stop STOP..the contact with the person has not happened yet. Just for a quote. Breathe breathe.. feeling nauseous. what if the person does not ring, what if the quote is too high…breathe stop breathe. Be proud. I have asked for help. I have sought and found support. One step at a time. breathe.

blessings to You, Tazzie

July 21, 2022 8

Good Morning

Opened my front door this morning to let the dogs out.

Seems we all like to have gourmet breakfasts every so often

Sensibly watching my dogs, who are actually not interested in the Wallaby. I also am obviously outside with them and keeping a close on eye on all animals. Even when the wallaby jumped off and away, neither Busby or Miss Treacle were interested.

Though Busby is going to check out the bales of pea straw thoroughl!

Looks like I will need to move these now wet pea straw bales I purchased for the garden out of the wallabies reach. Another of those jobs I was meaning to do. The chooks have loved scratching through some bales too.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

July 8, 2022 5

Withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine continues. P2

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 10: Wow am I all over the place today.
I broke my toe about 9am yes definitely broken, its taped to my other toe and hurts like hell and if i move it wrongly I feel ill. Did not cry when I did it yelled and screamed for bit.
for any new readers I have CPTSD and am a hoarder. I am hoping to be able to say recovering hoarder as I have spent several hours today cleaning and throwing things out. I have wooden floor visable for the first time in a few years in my living space. I also found two places where mice were making nests. Foiled them nests gone. I am proud of myself as it was done with no effort, no planning. I just wanted to do it. I have been wanting to begin for months and had been saying so to my psychologist and my previous GP (the one who was 140km round trip away who told me I lacked motivation). I tried to explain to her I did not lack motivation. I was not able to do this!
As I do this I am struggling still to get rid of items. Yet I am proud of myself that I have thrown away quite a few items that I have held on too or that were damaged. I am noting I am getting better at the concept if its been on the floor and I have been walking on it or stacked stored in a pile of stuff for several years and I have not used it. Why keep it.
I have been spending money on things I have wanted to do creative activities with. I have wanted to get these things for so long and well yesterday I just did it. I felt joy.
I am eating fairly healthy.
I went out last night for a wine evening and lovely dinner. It was brilliant and I enjoyed being with my friend and being with 30 others but was very happy to return home after 2 1.2 hours a great meal and wonderful wine (tasted 14different wines from sparkling whites roses to reds. Ended with a small tequilla. (i love tequllia). I am not a big wine drinker or actually alcohol drinker at all and this is a monthly evening I have been a member of for several years. (my one real social event ).

I washed a load of clothes hung them out in the beautiful sunshine and bought them in.

I left my two dogs outside for a bit too long unsupervised thinking the chooks would have gone to bed. Sadly I heard chickens screeching, and as fast as I could hobble I went outside realising what was on. In the past I got so angry at Busby. I was annoyed, because he would not stop chasing this one hen. (he gets fixated and it is impossible almost to break his fixation) once I knew the hen was safe got him to hear me and go inside. I was not anywhere near as angry as I have been in the past at him. It was my fault I left him outside too long. My error.

I am teary, right now. Have just questioned the meaning of friendship to those who are my friends on facebook, since not one person I have as a friend and I only have people I really know and have known for several years as friends. As I had not been on Facebook for 10 weeks. So questioning the whole friend thing. Not really sure what I am expecting. Not sure why I wrote on Facebook bizzare.

I have no real idea how much longer withdrawal is going to take perhaps several weeks more. I have to see my new GP on Thursday. She seemed to have the idea I may have been wanting to self -harm. I kept saying this is the furthest away from my situation. I am so glad to wake up everyday, I am content in my discontent. I have asked my psychologist who was sending information to the new GP to please somehow ensure she is aware that I am not in anyway considering self harm or suicide.

I guess I am on a weird roller coaster of unkowns right now. Withdrawal off this medication symptoms are all over the place. I remain light headed and dizzy at times; even lying down go figure. I have nauseous feelings less but still there as is the body temperature fluctuations. Sleep once I get to sleep is heavy and the last two nights nightmare free. The anger I was experiencing earlier is not so pronounced. Though it would not surprise me if it flared out in a trigger situation.
I am very aware that I seem to be a bit all over the place in my writing tonight and my mind is certainly running fast. Is it a withdrawal symptom to feel almost a bit manic? My mind is racing and my thoughts are a bit all over. I feel like I want to just keep getting on with de-hoarding, so full of energy inside. Yet at the same time a sense of weariness. I am now beginning to worry that all of a sudden I will stop sorting my house… that thought distresses me. My toe is beginning to throb, so pain relief tablet due and bed I feel.

I am so thankful to be getting my house a bit better. I am thankful my chook is physically unharmed.
blessing to You, Tazzie

February 22, 2022 4

Simple things

One of the ways I can tell when I may not be doing as well as I have been in regard to my mental illness CPTSD is how I become more sensitive and fixated on one particular aspect in a day. Usually to do with an issue I am struggling with or of that wonderful and terrible thing called Facebook. The beauty of where I am today is that I can pick up the signs pretty early on that this is happening. I will then be able to redirect my focus firstly by acknowledging what is happening, then finding something I enjoy. So as this was happening recently and strangely I had been doing a lot of positive things for my mental health it still creeps up on me.

The weather in Spring in Tasmania can be challenging. We have had the wettest Spring for 50 years. Last week we had a couple of days of 23dC(73df) then the temperature dropped to 7dc(44.6dF) wet and windy. I was warm at home with my wood fire going. A lovely cosy day. I spent to much time on the computer though. So when I woke up the next morning I decided to head into Cygnet for brunch. My battery of the car was flat, (somehow my internal light was left on) I have a charger, and started it up. The dogs and I went in spent time with friends ate, and then I went for a drive to recharge my battery fully.

It was a lovely afternoon.

You could be mistaken for believing that the photo below is from the Swiss Alps; it is Hartz Mountains in Southern Tasmania taken on the 30/10/21 Springtime. Yes I did feel an urge to sing The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music.

A drive through Pelverata is quite beautiful

Pelverata Road Slippery Falls Only visible when a lot of rain

Battery fully charged, having had a couple of walks with the dogs through the bush. We were all content and I was certainly in a much better place. I may find being with people draining at times, it had been delightful to spend time in the morning with friends. Then to switch off my brains fixation status, and recharge by being out in the world of nature. Smelling the forest and fresh air, hearing the water in the full rivers and even the wee waterfalls at the side of the road created by the heavy and consitent rain we continue to have. I am so blessed by Godess to live where I do. To be able to get in my car and see such beauty.

Life in Tasmania can be challenging for those who first move her. No season is totally what it should be. You carry in your car layers just in case. As the population changes and house prices go though the roof where I live I do fear for so much of our areas as people subdivide land and farmland for the ever growing numbers of people who desire all that I am privileged to have. Yet at the same time excluding our younger generations who are struggling to even afford the rents if they can actually find a rental.

Oops I am off on a tangent Again I am thankful that I am so fortunate and I am especially fortunate to know it, and to feel I am rich beyond belief. (not in a monetary sense.

my hope is You will be content in your lives and if you are struggling reach out. It can be hard, but learning to manage our illnesses emotions reactions is freeing and empowering.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

October 31, 2021 2

When Sheep are not quite what they seem

All photographs are the property of Tazzie Gee.

My neighbours sheep have had lambs,

and there are lambs in the paddocks as I drive into town.

And across a road interestingly called Missing Link Rd there are these sheep.

My dog Busby barked at them as I stopped to take the photos. They each have a names the ram; one with glasses is Byron such a clever flock. Willie, Brian, Nettie, Nicole, Fenn. Talk about recycling. These wonderful creative sheep are made out of old gas cylinder bottles. I am so often awed by the creative and artisan people who live call the Huon Valley home. Who are genuinely themselves and do what makes them happy and in the process bring joy and delight to others. Add to this that there are many things in the area that can be viewed with no extra cost than the petrol.

I am thankful to have a car, to have enough money to fill it with petrol. I am thankful for the amazing artisians who make this beautiful valley home adding her or his uniqueness to our valley. I am thankful for the incredible place I l live. For being safe, clean air, and freedom to be myself, say what I think and most of all I am thankful that as I have got older and worked to accept and live with my mental illness/s I can be myself and let go of so many words that have been used and sometimes still are to limit me.

blessings to You. Tazzie

October 4, 2021 6

Avoidance can it be a good thing when you have CPTSD?

Its been a wee while since I wrote. Here I am again. What has been happening in the mean while? Apart from trips to vet for Busby’s injection and to do my shopping not much. I washed clothes and rewashed them, finally getting them out and hanging them over my stair rails to dry in the heat from wood fire. Yeah!

I have made plans to visit two friends and did not turn up. I have so far it seems won the battle of the mice yeah.

I have made an appointment with my GP, Yeah; to discuss my medication and an appointment with the psychiatrist I had seen once before. This item creates great anxiety in me. So much so I am fluctuating between cancelling the appointment. As I write I feel my throat tighten and my mouth go dry. I attempt to focus on the benefit if an ADHD medication may actually reconnect my brain somehow.

I have been watching videos in regard to ADHD and found myself watching many of these from here. http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nPM1_kSZf91ZGkcgy_95Q

I found myself feeling at home at times in tears as I began to recognise aspects of my own processing and behaviours shared and explained in this channel. After watching and connecting the fear of being diagnosed with ADHD is reduced somewhat. Then I go into what if I am NOT diagnosed with ADHD and I am just lazy and disorganised hopeless and all the words I have heard so often over the course of my life?

So rather than go down the rabbit hole of YouTube and my search engine I decided to get out of the house, yes avoiding the garden, the house and the computer. I loaded up the dogs and we headed off for some lunch.

I had to pick up some chook grains for my hens and roosters (yes roosters oh dear that is also on the I have to deal with soon list), in Huonville.

I decided I would venture to Summer Kitchen in Raneleagh which used to be a small village a little over two KMs from Huonville but now is really a suburb of it.

The photos below see some of my flock saying Where the heck are You going? We are starving!
A house on the way, where the newest owners have had enough obviously of past work on the house they purchased.
Spring is certainly arriving in my beautiful valley. Last photo is of Hawthorne flowering along the road.

Even though we have not had any outbreaks of Covid here in Tasmania for over a year cafes, shops and businesses remain on COVID Responsiblities requiring signing in or using the Covid App, social distancing etc. A beautiful brunch at Summer Kitchen,https://www.facebook.com/Summer-Kitchen-Bakery-389693084374495/ delicious vegetarian wrap (I am not a vegetarian) with wonderful garlic hummus and fresh vegies…large cappuccino sitting in sunshine with my dogs about me. Near-bye were a group of bicyclists (MAMILS Middle aged men in Lycra a few ladies too) enjoying the sunshine too. My dogs were petted and discussion about them. Several proud doggy dads showed me their furbabies photos a gorgeous Samoy, a labrador, a whippet and poodle. The valley is a cyclists delight. My dogs were the only ones present but as we arrived we passed a couple leaving with their owners. I love that my valley has so many dog friendly places to eat.

After leaving Summer Kitchen Raneleagh we headed basically to the hill behind the Raneleagh showground. On the way we passed the Home Hill Winery, https://www.homehillwines.com.au/ . The first photograph below shows the face area of Mount Beauty. A different view than from my home. This mountain range certainly delineates one end of the Huon Valley. So green yet as I drove up the hill the grasses altered and whilst they look dry the ground under my feet and the dogs paws was very wet. We have had so much rain and wind over the last few weeks. (normal for the time of year).

The last photograph above is from the hill looking back down to the valley over Raneleagh.

The following photographs are the drive back down from the hill top to Raneleagh. When I see the rock along the road I am awed at how trees, shrubs and grasses grow, such tall trees. Hobart is the second driest Captial city in Australia. mM beautiful valley is often on water restrictions in summertime.

Sign says grid..to keep livestock in the area.

In the valley timber homes abound. As Tasmania is known for its State Forests and wood was easy to access for many over brick and other materials.

The photographs below see me driving alongside the Huon River towards Judbury another small village well it is really not a village as it has no shops, post office, pub, being only approximately 13kms/8miles to Huonville. Rain falling ahead, the river valley is green and lush. The third photograph is of the Tassal Nursery for their salmon. They hatch the salmon eggs and grow them until they reach smolt (hatchling fish reach the length/weight/size for the smolt can now move from the fresh water into the sea cages/nets. As I drive further we begin to see the homes of Judbury so many new homes being built in the hillside, and along the river flats. Hard to remember that smoke and fires were all around here only Summer 2018 in the hills.

I have enjoyed the journey so far, it seems that the dogs have too. I really enjoy my own time, and doing my own thing generally, so find this such an enjoyable thing.
Thankful for my car, my dogs who make my life and keep me doing things. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful area.
blessings to You. Tazzie

September 12, 2021 2

Winter End Garden Tour

I have shared about myself and what my life has been like over the past few months living with CPTSD. It seems to me writing here assists me so much. Seeing my thoughts/activities/feelings in print help me see how far I have come in my life with this illness. Learning to live my life accepting how I move through each day no matter how and what is happening in my life and life around me. I am proud of myself that I keep moving forward no matter how minuscule it may be.

Lets look at what is happening in the garden. Here in the Southern Hemisphere we being our Spring Season very soon; the problem tends to be I along with many others feel the days lengthen and see the weeds growing all the new growth everywhere. I feel the urge to sow seeds. I have to hold myself back and wait wait.. which I have been doing, today I intend to plant a few in pots to germinate in side.

Lets go for a walk around my gardens in the last few days of the yearly Winter season.

The first photos are the small garden in front of my home, my chooks have been allowed to free range and they have been turning the soil hunting for bugs and turning the soil. Along with damaging the rhubarb and a little damage to other plants in the small space.
Down the side of the house I have my perfumed geranium which was damaged in the gale force winds we had recently, it looks a bit bedraggled. I would have pruned it myself, the weather having done it for me means one less item on my list for the garden.
The last two photos are of my red wattle tree. I was so sad to see that this young sapling had been badly damaged in the gale wind. I really hope that I can prune it and save this lovely tree.

Where land cleared of blackberries and old wattle trees

Oh look capsicums/peppers left on bush..still going.

One of my plums I have been clearing around and prunning

I feel like I have done very little during winter, yet when I review the photos I have been doing small things. On top of this each day I walk around and pull weeds out of the paddock area.
We have had a very wet few weeks very wet. This has made it more difficult to continue to clear around the fruit trees as the ground is too wet.

The joy of my garden and the hope that I will get seeds in and growing for my own vegetables and food. Rain and colder days are on the agenda for a few more days.

The chooks ahh the chooks sadly I have three roosters, and only five girls. Rupert has been amazing with the chicks but they have all grown up now and I have to attend to reducing the number of roosters, as they will be to much and to mean for the few girls I have. Sadly only one of the female chicks have survived to now. I also lost one of my original hens one of the brown girls. Penny I am not holding out any hope that she is nesting anywhere. My neighbours have also got new hens, and both my neighbour and I have noted that a Sea Eagle has been flying around everyday. This may be part of why my hens have disappeared along with one of the rooster chicks (perhaps not so bad one less for me to attend).

I have been taking my vitamin D as down here we have such low levels of sun over this time of year it is a necessity. It also helps with mood and lessening seasonal affective disorder. (SAD)

It is great to wake up each day, to see how beautiful my garden is looking. I am so thankful to have such a great area to create my space.

I am thankful to those of you who read my posts, blessings to You all. Tazzie

August 26, 2021 2

All things beginning with C.

I think it is Tuesday March 17th, just checked and it is. it is 13:20 on a stunning Autumn day in the Huon Valley my home region in Tasmania. I have taken a while to get a sense of what happened recently the after affects impaired me and I felt no desire to do or be anywhere, to be with anyone, just being with my dogs, chooks and at home is the recovery and medicine I have required. It has taken time, and a lot of management strategies to not sink towards the black hole, it would have been so easy. I work constantly at not going back.

I moved on from beating myself up and began to consider what a really good person I am. Compassionate, to empathetic and kind. Would I change myself NO. No I am me, and I honestly do like me more and more. I am so very very fortunate to be able to be totally myself and still part of such an incredible community. I sigh as I write and know that I am so very very fortunate. I m safe here. What an incredible gift that is.

I look at the horse tail wispy clouds with the blue sky listening to the hum of bees, and flies, the chug of a Aquaculture vessel coming up the river and feel the sun beating on my legs as I watch cabbage moths trying to find unprotected brassicas to lay her eggs on. My dogs are chewing bones near bye. I am aware of the European wasp that has invaded Tassie. As it will seek out any meat left outside as too flies. I know that is why the blowies (blow flies) are zooming about Miss Treacle as she is eating hers. Busby’s is all gone.

A wattle bird just let out a call that is hard to describe and was answered by another. This morning I have let out the chicks and Frida Kahol too free range in the chook run with everyone else. She is an incredible Mamma, I am a bit fearful as I lost two chicks in one fowl swoop to a grey Goshawk two weeks ago. The decision was made by Frida as I had put a fence (I use it on the deck to keep the wallabies off it at night) around their chick house. I had let them out and was tending to the other hens and Roopert when I heard much distressed chirping Frida Kahol had flown the coop! The smallest of the chicks, a bantam I feel as it is a great deal tinier than the others, had managed to get through the bars but the other six chicks were not able to follow their Mamma.

I had to remove the fence and allow nature and Frida to take their chances with the remaining seven chicks. I have noticed that Henny (the darker of my two brown hens her sister is Penny) is broody and I am working hard to ensure that I do not have more chicks this season.

I have also it seems been able to keep all the poultry in the run. I do miss seeing them outside in the paddock, I do not miss the digging up of plants and seeds, and dust bathing hollows they leave in my garden and paddock where I can stumble into them unwittingly.

It is green looking over the river and at parts of my paddock grass, yet here on this side of the river we have had little rain compared to across the river. It is very surreal to be sitting here in March with almost full rain water tanks (from a couple of weeks ago) and green grass. It is normally dry and I ponder if I need to consider buying water.

Am I repeating myself. Maybe its Ok, Pretty normal for me after being triggered.

Life has not stood still even with the emotions and dealing with the aftermath of being triggered. I have shared previously that I have been waiting on being notified of when I will be having a colonoscopy, unlike the USA in Australia you do not automatically have one on turning 50. Here it is only if there is a concern. I was listed in the highest priority case due to symptoms. I had not heard anything and the timeline I should have heard had passed.
There are some things having been an RN helps with, and that is feeling able to contact the appropriate department to inquire. So last week I did phone them to discover my file was in a drawer, and who knows if I had not called when I might have heard. (off course my mind has taken me to dying with colon cancer and all that goes with it in the months I have been waiting). Knowing that Australia has one of the highest rates of colon cancer in the world does not help. Early diagnosis is the best help to survival.
I rang and was rung back the next day first thing in the morning. I am booked in soon. I have recieved all the instructions in the mail, and I feel that the actual preparation will be far worse than the procedure, having worked in colonoscopy as a casual RN I am very aware of what occurs and I am not too concerned about the procedure. My only concerns were with what to do with my dogs.

The thing that is extremely difficult for me with my CPTSD is actually telling people in the first place and then asking for someone to assist me in anyway. I find it almost impossible to ask for help.
At first I thought right I can not bare the thought of telling anyone, and I can not bare the thought of being away from my dogs. I wanted to drive myself there and back both things not supported by the hospital or I imagine my insurance. So I considered a dog friendly B and B for two nights. (My hospital wants you to be with someone overnight after the procedure, as its policy). That is not going to happen. I am not having a general anesthetic, it is a twilight one. While it is not safe enough to drive myself home, I do not need anyone with me overnight.
I did share with someone who has kindly offered to drive me and bring me home. The appointment is made and I will be away from home less than 6 hours all up (proviso that all goes well). My dogs are quite content to be at home as long as they have had a run and used their bowels. So I put logic and fugal me in charge and will be home before and after the procedure.

I am now aware of how much distress was on me with not having any acknowledgement other than the letter advising me I was highest priority a date range that had past and me taking the bull by the horns and following up.
I am so pleased I found the courage to do that. If anyone in Australia is in a similar situation contact the Endoscopy unit and ask them when your procedure will be please.

I have also been accepted for the National Disability Scheme (NDIS), and have a meeting with someone from their in the near future to see what I might need. As my mental illness/s has seen me accepted on the Disability Support Pension (DSP) it means that I can request my psychology appointments be on the NDIS, and that means my Psychologist can bulk bill me. I am not sure how she has been charging me before this, as I have paid nothing to see this wonderful woman.
The veggie garden is doing OK my tomatoes the few I have picked have been delicious, I noted this morning something has taken two green tomatoes and pecked them I am blaming the blackbirds or starlings. I have pumpkins, and a couple of zucchinis. My peppers are fruiting but will they ripen before the cold sets in? Not a cucumber or tomatillo has appeared. I have at some stage to pull up the sweet potatoes. I hold no hope for any this year. I will cut some slips for next year. I have not emptied my last pot of potatoes as they have not flowered yet.
It has been a better year this year for veggies than last year and I learn as I go. I am averaging 3 eggs a day. I will be winter glassing a lot of eggs. To provide me with eggs during the off season. I do not want to burn my girls out with keeping them laying or year. As hens only have as many eggs in their systems as they will lay over the course of their life.

I have not showered in way too long, and will be soon, I have been eating a bit better, and generally getting to bed early. Dogs are walking I am driving. Right now I am really just focusing on the things I need to do for next period of time and as too diet I have to follow instructions nearly every thing I actually eat is not on my menu for next period of time. Clear broths, clear juices, I have minimised my coffee in take already. I have noticed that the preparation fluid for the colonoscopy has aspartame in it sigh I really dislike any artificially sweeteners, but I have no choice. Thankfully I can take my medication.

While I know I am anxious about what is still to occur and the results. Just knowing the date and time it is going to happen is a relief.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

March 17, 2021 3

When you really go backwards.

May be triggering and language some may find offensive. Please do not share or use any of the following without consent of Echidna Home. (C)

Living with a mental illness such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is so shit at times. I have been moseying along living life in way that has been good. I was out for a day with a friend on Saturday all day and it was really lovely we went to a town further a field. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have to say being with her is quite relaxing as their is nothing like being with someone who really understands what having a mental illness is like. We shared a lot it was really interesting, though at one point she mentioned that she often felt suicidal. This just blew me away, we talked and shared (as we both have had too many people we know and love succeed in suicide. )

Yesterday Sunday (it is a long weekend here in Tasmania). I was just at home and perhaps just switched totally off I am not sure even what I did. Yet I woke feeling good.

I needed to go and get some chook food so drove int Huonville. I did the little bit of shopping I needed too, and stopped for a bite to eat and coffee at one of my faviourite cafes. Sitting in the lane with my dogs, a small disagreement with another dog, sorted and my dogs under the table. His dog near his and all fine. Thy moved the dog and it blocked the access for the staff to bring drinks and food out. One staff member spilled coffee another almost dropped a dish, then the dog jumped up and tried to take food from a plate a staff member was bringing to another table.
These people made no effort to move the dog, they never apologised to the staff. I suggested they move the dog form between the stairs and table, they saw no problem.. I was triggered and ended up just loosing it. I could not believe anyone would put anyone else at such risk to conducting their work. I even said it was a health and saftey issue. They just laughed at me and my escalation telling me I should leave. Of course I responded and it went on..I just could not shut up and fucking was used by me numerous times it seems to go with the course. Then one of these people said in a loud voice that I had obviously missed my medication as I was crazy. Well that was just the final trigger. Mocking mental health! I just kept on at her. I was shaking and crying red in the face.

When they were leaving after a very uncomfortable silence had settled whilst some of them finished their food.

It was ugly and horrible and I feel so ashamed, I lost it completely I was so so disappointed as I have not had anything like this occur in over a year. Sigh. I know I know I have a mental illness. I get triggered and when I am triggered I say fucking a lot. Positive is I will be speaking to my psychologist later on this week.

I feel so ill and so tired from all this. I hate this illness. Not being in control and all the work and effort is so tiring so all consuming. I feel I am growing I know I am moving forward I know all this. Yet an experience like this is just frustrating and now takes so much work to not let my self loathing feelings of shame and disillusionment and all those delights that come after such an episodes.

For me where I am now right now is that I do still have insight, I still know that I am so much better than I have been. I am still moving forward. I know I am improving and this is just a small set back.

It taught me that there are some truly wonderful people out there who when someone with a mental illness is falling a part I had someone who stood bye me and cared. For this I am so very thankful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

March 8, 2021 8

Chicks on the road side

I was driving home from my GP this afternoon. This is a 140km round trip and it is a pleasurable and scenic drive. Alongside both sides of the Huon River. Though this set of photos is my seeing a hen with her chicks on the road. I pulled over to watch them.

I feel it was Busby my large dog sticking his head out the rear seat window that really got the Mamma Hen to rally her chicks up the rather steep embankment of the sealed road. These wee chicks were not that old.

Really scared one poor chick soils itself, and one is left behind

I did wonder how this little one would manage. I was awed by its determination and perhaps more so the drive that adrenaline and fear for ones life give. Mamma had not waited for this wee one, she was back under the fence and just seemed to keep telling the chicks to get back in the yard, It seems all parents are the same.
All chicks made it and the little one is seen second from left back with its siblings and Mamma in the yard. I hope that their Mamma has learnt not to take her babies down on the main road again.

It was lovely to see this family and to watch the effort and achievement of this one little chick. At first after the other two chicks had left it. I really feared it was going to give up. (I would have jumped out and got it up there if it had) It was a delightful thing to observe and shoot with my camera.

This was not the only bird life we saw on the way home from the GPs.
Another day to share more of the journey home with my dogs.

blessing to You Tazzie

February 2, 2021 4

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