My Life with CPTSD.

May be triggering.

My colonoscopy went really well, all clear 3 lovely photos of my colonoscopy and feedback that the preparation was excellent. Nothing at all found. So very good news.

Yet I have not been not doing very well in my mental health. In fact it has been a dive.

I have not wanted to post here and it has been really hard to begin again. As my aim is to be truthful about my life with my mental illness Complex post traumatic stress disorder. The plot has been totally lost and I am not depressed as such. Or am I? That is what is so confusing to me.

It does seem so strange to feel this way after good news of a very healthy colon.

My anxiety before hand was worse than I realised, so much in hindsight I made plans talking to a friend about what would be best for my dogs. She would take them.. extreme.

I am realising that I kind of wanted to die. WOAH. Now I have to reassure you all I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. Yet this is the only thing that makes any sense to me. When I acknowledged this I began to cry. Not just cry but felt so lost and realised I just wanted to be with my partner. Who died almost 11 years ago. My stomach dropped and I felt really nauseous when this was going on. It was several days after the colonoscopy. So not related to the procedure or the very light anesthetic.

I am now realising (I perhaps should have contacted my psychologist because I have hit a very extreme place and my hope in sharing this as often happens when I write my posts help me see and and work through the situation and emotions.

The Autumn weather has been brilliant, hot and blue skies/ That is up until the last two days with snow down to 700meters/2296 ft. lots of heavy rain my tanks are overflowing again. I only mention this as some might feel vitamin D may be an issue.

What I have realised, is that without my brother and sister-in-law who for reasons I am now longer in touch with for my wellbeing, being at the end of the phone, there is no one who I can be comforted and just loved supported bye who I trust totally. My partner was that person and this is really the first medical thing with potential of serious consequences I have faced since my breakdown and issues related to my mental illness.

I miss my partner, every day, and very rarely talk about him. Even with my psychologist I have only mentioned him in very general passing. However the time may be needed at our next appointment.

All I know is I have been drinking alcohol more than I really have in many many years. A lot for me and the fact how I drink it is perhaps even more a symptom. I am making home made baileys. So easy to drink and I have been through almost two bottles of scotch. It also requires a lot of condensed milk and cream..so whilst delicious, and very easy to drink. When my partner died I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain and loss. I am usually incredibly conscientious of alcohol as we have alcoholism in our family both maternal grandparents, and my father is too though he would say he isn’t (2 bottles of wine for 2 people each night along with one or two whisky’s). I also have bought a few small alcohol mixed bottles these have not all gone, still have 3 left out of 8. I have not been buying anything much in the way of other sweet products.

I have not been eating well and I have become addicted to shopping online and playing computer games. Showering and cooking gone out of the window, my dogs normal diet has gone, they are still getting exercise I am getting very little. At least most of the shopping is where I fail to purchase things on line with wish and my money gets refunded.

The house strange I am taking the odd thing out still. It is not
My garden I left the gate open one night and the wallabies dined on lovely tomatoes and all my greens. I am thankful they did not get my pumpkins but they have damaged other plants.

So basically my desire to die was really my desire for comfort by the person I loved most in my life.

I am so thankful for the ability to have medical checks that can alert us to potential problems. I am incredibly thankful for the results of my procedure. I am especially thankful that I wake up each day. Even on those that are not my best ones.

blessings to You, Tazzie

April 11, 2021 13

When you really go backwards.

May be triggering and language some may find offensive. Please do not share or use any of the following without consent of Echidna Home. (C)

Living with a mental illness such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is so shit at times. I have been moseying along living life in way that has been good. I was out for a day with a friend on Saturday all day and it was really lovely we went to a town further a field. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have to say being with her is quite relaxing as their is nothing like being with someone who really understands what having a mental illness is like. We shared a lot it was really interesting, though at one point she mentioned that she often felt suicidal. This just blew me away, we talked and shared (as we both have had too many people we know and love succeed in suicide. )

Yesterday Sunday (it is a long weekend here in Tasmania). I was just at home and perhaps just switched totally off I am not sure even what I did. Yet I woke feeling good.

I needed to go and get some chook food so drove int Huonville. I did the little bit of shopping I needed too, and stopped for a bite to eat and coffee at one of my faviourite cafes. Sitting in the lane with my dogs, a small disagreement with another dog, sorted and my dogs under the table. His dog near his and all fine. Thy moved the dog and it blocked the access for the staff to bring drinks and food out. One staff member spilled coffee another almost dropped a dish, then the dog jumped up and tried to take food from a plate a staff member was bringing to another table.
These people made no effort to move the dog, they never apologised to the staff. I suggested they move the dog form between the stairs and table, they saw no problem.. I was triggered and ended up just loosing it. I could not believe anyone would put anyone else at such risk to conducting their work. I even said it was a health and saftey issue. They just laughed at me and my escalation telling me I should leave. Of course I responded and it went on..I just could not shut up and fucking was used by me numerous times it seems to go with the course. Then one of these people said in a loud voice that I had obviously missed my medication as I was crazy. Well that was just the final trigger. Mocking mental health! I just kept on at her. I was shaking and crying red in the face.

When they were leaving after a very uncomfortable silence had settled whilst some of them finished their food.

It was ugly and horrible and I feel so ashamed, I lost it completely I was so so disappointed as I have not had anything like this occur in over a year. Sigh. I know I know I have a mental illness. I get triggered and when I am triggered I say fucking a lot. Positive is I will be speaking to my psychologist later on this week.

I feel so ill and so tired from all this. I hate this illness. Not being in control and all the work and effort is so tiring so all consuming. I feel I am growing I know I am moving forward I know all this. Yet an experience like this is just frustrating and now takes so much work to not let my self loathing feelings of shame and disillusionment and all those delights that come after such an episodes.

For me where I am now right now is that I do still have insight, I still know that I am so much better than I have been. I am still moving forward. I know I am improving and this is just a small set back.

It taught me that there are some truly wonderful people out there who when someone with a mental illness is falling a part I had someone who stood bye me and cared. For this I am so very thankful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

March 8, 2021 8

I have very low expectations:

So electric blanket on and for once I am in bed really early. Its 9dC/48.2dF, it only got to 12dC/ 53.6 dF now this is late January in the Southern Hemisphere. It is not right and not the first time that this has happened this month! Then two days later we had temperatures of 36dC/96.8, last week we had similar but by 10 am the day after the cold day it was 35dC/95dF at 10am we ended up at 38dC/100.4dF mid afternoon.

Is it any wonder my vegetable garden is not doing well. I know I am not alone, even my wonderful neighbours stunning vegetable garden is struggling. We have also had unseasonal rain and heavy wind gale force on several days.

The vegetable garden is so behind this year, My hope is that it will be better in February. My neighbour up the road has put in a huge green house but it is so hot that the tomatoes are cooking inside it almost.

Ahh the joy of gardening 41dsouth.

My first picking from the veggie garden this morning, the tomatoes are not really ripe, and they are tiny. Compared to the small hens egg. The zucchini/courgette is great. Already 100% improvement on my crop last year.

I am thankful for my eggs, for my hens, and rooster. I am thankful that my tanks are pretty full mid summertime very unusual.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

January 30, 2021 9

Summertime Veggie and fruit garden

Uncertainty is not a great thing in my life, it does tend to impact my CPTSD. I have not been in my beloved garden a huge amount in the last few weeks, and even so what I had put into it in Springtime is bobbing along slowly this year yet productively without me quite well. So I feel happy about that.

My tomatoes are very late in developing,

Lots of flowers on the first plant. quite a few on the next with some tomatoes forming on both and one tomato and a few fruits on the third.
In this bed I have two eggplant/aubergines I have one flower on one plant.

My peppers and capsicums are varied, the old pepper from last year is doing well, the capsicums are getting flowers and the peppers are I guess settling in.

I have more tomatoes vines in another bed, that does get 8 hours of sunshine but less than the first bed and these are really delayed. I thought they would be, and was just wanting to see if they would grow here.

Photo taken at 16:00 daylight saving time.

Miss Treacle and Busby enjoy being outside too.

Now for some reason I have planted pumpkins and zucchinis, along with the possibility of a cucumber or two in two beds. I lost all bar one label, and I had labelled the seedlings. I only know one variety of pumpkin that is Peter Cundall’s . Peter was a long time presenter on the Australian Broadcasting (ABC TV) Gardening Australia a weekly. If you are interested in knowing more about Australian Gardens and all sorts of things to do with gardening and veggie growing well worth checking out show (which still is running Gardening Australia now hosted by Costa). https://www.abc.net.au/gardening/ Peter hosted the show from 1989-2008 and as a fellow Tasmanian is an incredible gardener, who even now at 82 is enjoying his gardening and good health. He only gave up his weekly radio show a few years ago. His pumpkin variety is great faviourite in the taste test so I am told. Fingers crossed these plants will be much better producers than last years. Oh the memories not a zucchini and one tiny butternut.

Asparagus spears still shoot every so often, and I enjoy picking them and eating them right away. My jostaberries and red currants did well. I harvested very few, between the birds, wallabies possums and my chooks it was their year this year. I was also not up to canning or freezing any of them and realised that I am not a huge fan of the jostaberries. They really are only good stewed, made into a crumble or perhaps a sponge pudding and of course jam.

My blueberries are also being grabbed by by all the critters and again I feel blase about it. I still have a fair few in the freezer. I always have such plans of all I will do with them. I usually harvest them and then often end up not eating them even when frozen. So instead of pushing myself when I have not been firing on all cylinders, I have just accepted for many years of my life I had never tasted a blue berry, a jostaberry or a red currant. If I am being really honest the only one I feel I would plant again are the blue berries.

My peach tree is amazing now that is something I have been enjoying the last couple of days.

As you can see they are a good size this year and once ripe juicy and even a bit green so sweet Love the feeling of the juice running down my chin.
I did eat a few cherries off my trees. It has been a late beginning to the cherry season with the local orchards only opening full time this week.

My red crab apple does not have a lot of fruit on it sadly this year. I do recall there were not a lot of blossoms on it. Added to this the chooks had been dust bathing about its roots. (A job still in process excluding them from my doing this). I have managed to stop them from the espaliered apple by putting bike wheels about the root area.

The chooks had been laying really well and I was very happy to share with my neighbours. Sadly at the moment I am only averaging two eggs a day. I have not located a hidden nest anywhere as yet. I realised I may have been failing them in providing enough food for them. Though when I do provide seed they very rarely eat it all and usually pick the tastiest seeds out first. Grass is a bit in short supply so I have began to supplement their diet with pureed green vegies. They are on a free range 16%seed mix and have access to grubs and all sorts of things as they free range. I will be keeping an eye on them and fingers crossed the girls will be all laying again. Though the two -3 eggs I get are enough for just us. I did have hope to water glass enough for winter.

The Chook run has been slashed finally and the spiky native grass has been cut down. I am not sure the chooks appreciated that and so as their is not a lot of shade in their run at present they are free ranging and love hanging out under the jostaberries and my blackwoods. If they stayed there we would be living in harmony. I can only dream.

My thoughts are with those of you in areas where Covid continues to impact your lives, especially those of you overseas. I am so incredibly fortunate to have been born here in Australia and to live on the island state. where we have had no active cases of this illness for a few weeks now. My thoughts for those of you impacted by the bush fires in Western Australia.

I am thankful that I am coming out of a period of feeling out of control, I am thankful that I am again able to see the beauty of my home, and garden and how very fortunate I am. I am thankful for the clean water, clean air and abundance I have in my life. I am so very thankful for my dogs.

blessing to you. Tazzie

January 6, 2021 5

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