Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 24, 2022 2

Pristiq (Desvenalfaxine) withdrawal P3

Day 11. I had to go out into the real world today and tend to some important things I had been putting off. My car was booked in to have all new tyres, balance and alignment. for 11:15 Along with this I was hopeful that in the larger town near me Huonville where the tyres were being done that the Animal Tuckerbox one of the animal feed and animal supplies (not really farm but small holdings and pets suppliers) would have frozen dog meat and the RAW roll of dog prepared meat frozen as well. My dogs love it and I have it in my freezer along with the other frozen raw meats for them. The price of this RAW diet (mixed with vegies fruit and other items no grains but I add some oats or wheat to it). The 2kg roll provides 3 meals for my dogs which gives me great value AUS $12.99, USA $ 9.38 Euro 8.29 and British pound 6.90 so makes it very good quality food that I do not have to prepare. That I know my dogs love and they are so great on it.
I had slept really well on the pain medication for my toe I broke yesterday, and woke up in good spirits knowing I had planed the time I was to be away from home and get several things done.
Busby and I went outside to feed the chooks, and fill all the water containers for chooks birds wallabies echidna, and all the lizards and my local snake (if required ) along with ensuring bees and wasps also had access to water.

Busby had been with me, I moved to a different location out of sight of him, and he came across one of the hens…bugger! He would not come he would not stop chasing her, she was under the house he was under the house. I was doing all I could to not get angry. I knew time was rapidly passing and I would have to leave soon, and bloody Busby ignored me. Eventually he took off up the road! Noooo I got in the car and made him get home and I am not proud of this but I hit him with a stick three time on his rump. I did not even regret it or feel upset at the time for resorting to hitting him. (he has been hit twice in his almost 6years of life sharing this so you understand I do not hit my dogs when they are naughty. I looked at the time and had to leave. I took Treacle with me leaving Busby at home (inside with cool water and comfy bed a fan going so he was fine). Treacle and I left she was so distressed at my anger. She had been shaking. I patted her and told her she was not in trouble she was a good girl. So it was to be Miss Treacle and I two gals out on the town in HUonville.
First stop Animal Tucker Box:
I put my mask on (here in Tasmania we are required to wear a mask if indoors in shops only can have it off if eating drinking.
Walked into the shop and they had 6 rolls in the freezer not having had any for almost two months. I was down to the last two in the freezer. (The shortages are down to staffing levels due to Covid contacts, issues pertaining to hunting licenses for wild hunters, and problems with diesel for trucks and transportation supply issues. I was paying for the rolls and going to pick them up after my tyres were done. Well this went well and I was feeling very happy. I was paying for my items and a couple came into the store, neither wearing masks. I just mentioned to them that they were meant to be wearing masks inside the store. He made some smart ass comment, and I well all I can say is I could have been described a Karen. Yep triggered.. why why why! I knew with my withdrawal happening there was so much unknown on this outing. I just could not stop but he could not either. I apologised to the staff. I left but even then found there car and oh I really wanted to scratch it or cut their tyre. WHERE the FUCK is that shit coming from? Seriously Tazzie I did end up writing in the dust on their rear wiindow back to front(cause I can write that way so clever) I am a huge dick! so when He looked in the mirror to reverse he would see it. I guess I sort of vandalised his car. butt… arrrrgh…

So I have been in Huonville for all of 10minutes and that happened. My poor Miss Treacle who is sort of my good conscious was trembling. She would have heard my loud angry voice in the shop. I may quite rightly be on a Karen video. I can laugh about it now. I tried to shut up in the store and breathe but nope.

Calmed myself and my gorgeous dog down and we headed to the tyre shop. Parked the car went into see them and well I had given them the wrong tyre information. oh heck. Here I was calm and no trigger. I was highly anxious for screwing up their orders. I imagined we would have to reschedule. thankfully the owner had 3 tyres to fit, and my spare was great. I just have to call in next week when the 4th tyre will be there. all Great.

Left the car for the required hour and half as needed a alignment and balance and they were as usual so busy. Went to a great local cafe DS and one of my friends was there with her gorgeous rescue greyhound and two other human friends. I ordered lunch and milkshake realised I had not had any food this morning not even a few nuts which is a normal first thing. This would not have helped the previous situation hangry is a very real thing for me. I was able to sit and eat with these lovely interesting women. Angels were making sure I was OK. It helped so much food and frienship.

They left and I read the local paper, sitting in the shade on a glorious summer day. Blue sky and hot. My vehicle was ready at 12.30 so Miss Treacle and I went and picked it up. I thought I had transferred enough money over to my cash account so I could pay for the work. Alas an alack insufficient fund. (bugger). fortunately my bank is just across the road so I was able to sort that out very quickly. No issues apart from embarrassment at how dipsy I must seem to the owner of the place. I lost track of the number of apologies.
Interestingly as hot a day as it was I was quite cold when sitting eating my hot meal. So my body thermostat is still all over the place.
I have not had much in the way of dizzyness/vertigo. But I have not walked far. As it is too painful on my broken toe. I have had vaugeness and blankness certainly is present at times.
I was very happy to achieve the rest of my day with no more triggers. I am deeply concerned that this will be an ongoing issue. I did go on Facebook yesterday and posted a thankyou to the water cartage companies who have been working overtime providing water to those on tanks who have run out. Seems my post and mentioning the folk complaining about the chlorine in the water the cartage companies are deliverying(it is town water so both chlorine and fluoride present. Someone even complained about dust getting into their drinking water from the dirt road they live. (we have had no rain or insignificant rain since December. Not sure what people expect. Even got told off for whinging…I was thanking hard working people who had been out delivering water to folk in need after midnight.. my response to that person was show a lot more about you than me. SO no more FACEBOOK…lol
Blogging about my experience helps. Other symptoms I am having is not being super hungry. (heat could also be part of that) though my home is cool. Feeling very tired (trigger situations always feel that way post), also very hot, also in pain, pain relief may make me tired.
LAst night I was cold even with a down doona on and it was not a cold night.

My thoughts are racing and all over the place and I seem to want to shop a lot. (I normally hate shopping). I also need to replace my rear brakes, and so now am looking at how to videos not sure if I am delusional in feeling I could do it and save a lot of money. I do see my new GP for the second time tomorrow, so I am being supported in my withdrawal in a manner. I am pondering if I should just stay at home to avoid triggers, and then realise that Busby and the chooks have been a BIG trigger the last two days OMG, I know it will get better I know these are symptoms of withdrawal. Not knowing where the finite experience of withdrawal is. Reading a lot of personal experiences but so unique to each person, and whether sudden stop like me or tapered off, what other issues/mental health illnesses/ previous drug/alcohol use withdrawal, all seem to impact coming off Pristiq Desvenalfaxine.

I did clear out my boot of my car today so that is a big plus, though every thing is now sitting on a chair I am throwing away as no one wants it outside in the drive. I will deal with that tomorrow.
I am so exhausted and disappointed that I was triggered and it went so badly.

I am very much on the positives side of coming off this medication for me. It was brilliant and I am so thankful I was put on it as it got me through and I am still alive and extremely happy to wake up each morning. Thankful to be aware of what is/has triggered me and even when it is negative I have insight and understanding along with tools to manage and move through and hopefuly minimise my responses to being triggered. I know anxiety was huge and when all my plans went belly up, because of Busbys antics. I know I am much more susceptible to being triggered when I am overwhelmed and frought. As I was this morning before leaving home.
As bad as the morning went. The positives weigh out the negatives. I did not just flee home, and hide ashamed and mortified. I continued on with what I planned and the day grew into a pleasant one. I read a beautiful post by a lovely lady Rhapsody Boheme https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/50743716/posts/3848008485 I connected very much too. I am hopeful that it is huge changes for me and new directions.

I am thankful to both my dogs, to my chooks even if they are hiding all their eggs. I am thankful to others whose writings and personal blogs encourage, help and support in so many ways. I am thankful I am doing well on withdrawing from the medication cold turkey.

blessing to You, Tazzie.

February 23, 2022 2

Withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine continues. P2

Day 10: Wow am I all over the place today.
I broke my toe about 9am yes definitely broken, its taped to my other toe and hurts like hell and if i move it wrongly I feel ill. Did not cry when I did it yelled and screamed for bit.
for any new readers I have CPTSD and am a hoarder. I am hoping to be able to say recovering hoarder as I have spent several hours today cleaning and throwing things out. I have wooden floor visable for the first time in a few years in my living space. I also found two places where mice were making nests. Foiled them nests gone. I am proud of myself as it was done with no effort, no planning. I just wanted to do it. I have been wanting to begin for months and had been saying so to my psychologist and my previous GP (the one who was 140km round trip away who told me I lacked motivation). I tried to explain to her I did not lack motivation. I was not able to do this!
As I do this I am struggling still to get rid of items. Yet I am proud of myself that I have thrown away quite a few items that I have held on too or that were damaged. I am noting I am getting better at the concept if its been on the floor and I have been walking on it or stacked stored in a pile of stuff for several years and I have not used it. Why keep it.
I have been spending money on things I have wanted to do creative activities with. I have wanted to get these things for so long and well yesterday I just did it. I felt joy.
I am eating fairly healthy.
I went out last night for a wine evening and lovely dinner. It was brilliant and I enjoyed being with my friend and being with 30 others but was very happy to return home after 2 1.2 hours a great meal and wonderful wine (tasted 14different wines from sparkling whites roses to reds. Ended with a small tequilla. (i love tequllia). I am not a big wine drinker or actually alcohol drinker at all and this is a monthly evening I have been a member of for several years. (my one real social event ).

I washed a load of clothes hung them out in the beautiful sunshine and bought them in.

I left my two dogs outside for a bit too long unsupervised thinking the chooks would have gone to bed. Sadly I heard chickens screeching, and as fast as I could hobble I went outside realising what was on. In the past I got so angry at Busby. I was annoyed, because he would not stop chasing this one hen. (he gets fixated and it is impossible almost to break his fixation) once I knew the hen was safe got him to hear me and go inside. I was not anywhere near as angry as I have been in the past at him. It was my fault I left him outside too long. My error.

I am teary, right now. Have just questioned the meaning of friendship to those who are my friends on facebook, since not one person I have as a friend and I only have people I really know and have known for several years as friends. As I had not been on Facebook for 10 weeks. So questioning the whole friend thing. Not really sure what I am expecting. Not sure why I wrote on Facebook bizzare.

I have no real idea how much longer withdrawal is going to take perhaps several weeks more. I have to see my new GP on Thursday. She seemed to have the idea I may have been wanting to self -harm. I kept saying this is the furthest away from my situation. I am so glad to wake up everyday, I am content in my discontent. I have asked my psychologist who was sending information to the new GP to please somehow ensure she is aware that I am not in anyway considering self harm or suicide.

I guess I am on a weird roller coaster of unkowns right now. Withdrawal off this medication symptoms are all over the place. I remain light headed and dizzy at times; even lying down go figure. I have nauseous feelings less but still there as is the body temperature fluctuations. Sleep once I get to sleep is heavy and the last two nights nightmare free. The anger I was experiencing earlier is not so pronounced. Though it would not surprise me if it flared out in a trigger situation.
I am very aware that I seem to be a bit all over the place in my writing tonight and my mind is certainly running fast. Is it a withdrawal symptom to feel almost a bit manic? My mind is racing and my thoughts are a bit all over. I feel like I want to just keep getting on with de-hoarding, so full of energy inside. Yet at the same time a sense of weariness. I am now beginning to worry that all of a sudden I will stop sorting my house… that thought distresses me. My toe is beginning to throb, so pain relief tablet due and bed I feel.

I am so thankful to be getting my house a bit better. I am thankful my chook is physically unharmed.
blessing to You, Tazzie

February 22, 2022 4

My Lived experience of sudden withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine. (Pristiq)

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualifed Registered NurseRPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

I have been on my current antidepressant for four plus years. I am so incredibly happy to be on them even with the weeks it took for them to ‘stabilise’ in my body. The lethargy overwhelming inability to function or think. Often during this period which seemed at times to be a living hell, my whole desire was to stop taking the medication. In those moments my supportive GP and wonderful Psychologist would encourage me and remind me how bad and unwell I have been, seriously unwell.
Eventually after about a month I began to feel a big improvement in my mood, and attitude mental well being. It kept improving and I was so happy to be feeling and thinking and being far more active and functional than I had in quite a few years. I always would say I would be OK if I had to stay on them for the rest of my life as the difference they had made (along with ongoing work with my psychologist let me add who I continued and continue to see the same one for years now).

For the last four months, maybe a bit longer I have been questioning myself as to if my medication was now becoming a problem, I was not able to complete anything, I was not wanting to be in my garden(one of my pleasures) and quite a few other things that are really hard to put into words.

I was finding it harder and harder to begin let alone finish things. It was not as a GP I have now stopped seeing said I was lacking motivation. How can I be lacking motivation when I can make an appointment drive a 140km round trip to her office, to discuss my concerns with her. I requested a referral to the psychiatrists and she was not supportive of this. I wanted to scream at her. Instead I left her office and never returned. I found that a GP practice in the town near me was taking new patients so relieved I joined this practice.
It is bloody hard to begin again and to have to attempt to explain everything in a 15-20minute phone appointment. (it was frustrating as the new GP was still practicing in Queesland winding up as the family were moving here permanently). Sadly I had four to five phone meetings and had not actually physically met this GP until two weeks ago. It is really hard when you just do not feel a connection to the person. Last week I went in to my second face to face appointment and some blood tests were to be done, and a psychiatrist referral.
I was perplexed when I noticed that all my notes were just on small pieces of paper, rather than a folder or on the computer. (this is all the phone appointments). I made an appointment to have my blood test done in four days. When I went in (one test was a fasting blood so no food until it was taken), there was No pathology form. Fortunately the practice has a pathology RN, and she kindly took the bloods and I was happy to sign the form and have the GP fill it in. I was also happy to return if this was not OK and do the bloods again.

That same day about five days ago I had to pick up my next months script of my antidepressant. This done I continued on to have food take my dogs for a walk and catch up with some friends and then do my grocery shop.

On arrival at home I could not find the tablets, I turned my handbag inside out, it was too late to phone any of the places I had been to see if they were there. I thought I could take the one smaller dose tablet the next morning(I had one tablet left of that half dose). OF course this was happening on a weekend. My thoughts as I panicked and looked everywhere in the house I had been. I went through my bag the whole car. No package of tablets! I contacted a few places open that Saturday morning to see if they had found them. No sorry. Sigh oh well I will miss one full day and only have a half dose in my system, that will be OK.
I would ring the Chemist on Monday and see if they would give me the script again. I discover it is a long weekend public holiday Monday! Chemist not open. Doctors not open arrrgh..

Tuesday morning I phone the Chemist but they will NOT give me the script again. they can not apparently I had feared this as previously I had attempted to get my script filled one day earlier than it was due, and they would not let me get the script filled. I called the doctors practice my GP is not in until Thursday, and I have an appointment to see her then. I got off the phone and was flummoxed. I kind feel I was already having withdrawal symptoms it was now three full days without any of my antidepressant.

What to do. I had slept really badly the night before, I was feeling horrendously nauseous, and burping. Light headed and achy. I was labile and very easy to snap. It was very frightening. I laid in bed and cried.

Wednesday another really bad night i am not sure if I slept much or if I was having erratic dreams, I tossed and turned. The dizzyness when I got up from bed to go to the bathroom was so bad I almost fell. My nausea was so bad I really thought I was going to be sick. I ached so much and my head hurt. It was so so hard. I was now running on very few hours sleep.

Feelings and anger of the past were in the forefront of my thinking. My dreams/nightmares were are so real and bizzare. I have these sharp nerve stabs feelings in my arm and legs, just one here and there strong enough they wake me up.

I have never withdrawn from anything in my life before. I was talking with my neighbour this morning after he asked me if I was OK as I looked bad. He said sounds pretty part of the process of withdrawal. Of course of course I am withdrawing from my antidepressant. My decision was taken out of my control.

I had a call from my GPs practice. My face to face appointment was going to be a phone call. I had enough I am surprised how gentle and pleasant apologetic I was to the lovely women on the other end of the phone when I went on to explain how I was not very happy with this GP. That I felt I was not connecting with her. I went on to explain why. I was so shocked when the woman on the phone said that I could have an appointment tomorrow face to face with another GP who was interested in Mental Health and only been at the practice a couple of months. I said oh yes please and thankyou . I kept apologising and I was reassured that she understood how important it is for anyone to feel connected to their GP especially when dealing with mental health. I think I cried.

So it is almost a week since I had a half dose of my antidepressant. I guess the decision to go off them has occurred. Kismet is at work, I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow and a new GP..again. I am grateful for that. I hope my nausea and light headedness stops soon. Interestingly enough my head feels clearer, which is bizarre as lack of sleep usually makes me feel as if my head is full of marshmallows. I feel a bit as if my mind is on a fast speed, but not in a rumination sort of way. It is really difficult to explain. For me it is a bit like the nerves of a final examination situation where you have to write an essay in response to a question. My head is full of things but I am struggling to decipher what it means and where it fits in the exam question and my answer to this. The sort of rough draft that you scribble rapidly and then edit and re-edit to reach the final answer in essay form to the question. Only I am not really able to get to the final answer. Each new re-edit brings in new ideas which take me down tangents and into different ways to respond to the original question.
This is very tiring not at all overwhelming strangely. I become exhausted and have to work at stopping the search for what ever answer I think there is to be discovered. Yet once rested whether I actually nap or just switch off and lay down, my mind is quite and I feel OK recharged almost be it with a short battery life.
The jabs in my body like very sharp needles pricks deep down in the areas of my legs and arms, no head zaps for me. Are infrequent but a daily occurrence.

I have now cold turkey been off my medication 100mg dose for 8 days. I am sleeping heavily once asleep but waking after only 6 hours or so. Interesting I am feeling awake and not dopey as I have been in recent months whilst on my medication. On the medication my sleep eventually was regular and generally 8-10 hours depending on factors. I would have periods (usually weirdly around the full moon) where I would stay up late and then sleep for ages. I was finding in the months before ceasing abruptly my medication I was very erratic in my sleep late nights /early mornings and waking feeling blah, actually most mornings I woke feeling very heavy. I was not depressed I was just not able to function as I wanted to do want I wanted and at times needed to do.
I was watching a lot of TV and playing games online. Yes addiction of games was becoming part of the problem even when I knew what was happening it was all I seemed to be capable and interested in. I discussed with my psychologist how I really was wanting to change some things and I would try, start and just not be able to get far. I really had enough of this situation and feeling like this sloth. ( I do love sloths mind you). So the beginning down the rabbit hole at least as a rural (remote rural) Australian to a psychiatrist began. I was fortunate to have access to Psych 2 U which is a private company that sees rural folk and rural regional folk via zoom and health care card holders are able to see the person for free. My experience with this organisation has not well been favourable in the majority of it. You have no choice which psychiatrist sees you and when like my first one totally had his own agenda of research and insinuated I was lying about wanting to take the ADHD medication he had given me as I could not get it filled in my council area at any of the chemists! He ended our appointments implying to my GP I had..that is a whole other ball game. I have discussed in the past here.

How is my withdrawal going on day 8? This morning I woke up after a great night sleep more like my ‘pre breakdown ‘ sleep. I sat out on my deck enjoying the bird song having a coffee. I fed my chooks, (eight chicks at present two roosters and five hens) one hen is missing I see her spasmodically; so she is about. I fear I will have more chicks suddenly appear. Fed them and returned to my deck and a second coffee reading a book I had been wanting too. I have not read a book in several months.

I took my dogs for a walk, picked some blackberries chatted with my neighbour and his daughter. Then came back to my deck and had my breakfast/brunch. Came inside as the biting flies and March flies(horse flies sort of beasts) were out and loving me!. I was reading my book and my dogs took off and barked in the paddock, my other neighbours were outside. So we chatted for quite a while in the sunshine. On coming back inside, I put on my roast I was having later, with enough veggies for salad and omelette or soup later in the week or even just in a toastie.
It was after 2pm before I opened my computer and I have no interest in the games I normally would have opened up. Instead I am here writing. (which is interesting as I find writing here is helpful for me, I share as if anyone gets anything that may help he or she know they are not alone, and that living with CPTSD PTSD any mental health illness is shit at times and others out there get it. You are not alone and people care. Is why I enjoy writing my true honest life and not some fantasy.

Today day 8 my head is clearer, I am a bit manic and have spent a little money (get behind me Amazon/Wish/Auction places.) I notice when I am talking to friends neighbours people who know me not just anyone right now I am sharing that I am withdrawing off my medication, that I am speaking fast and struggling to find right words at times, or finish what I was actually saying.. yep manic is apt descriptive. I let them know please say bye if you want as this is withdrawal symptom. I am totally aware of this particular issue, and how it impacts others so am very direct, so they have can go. LOL.

I continue to be light headed at the weirdest times (not when bending down or going from a sitting to standing position) I can be walking the dogs and just have to sit down. I am not walking much or any distance at present. I am not hungry but am enjoying cooking and when I smell the food cooking enjoy it. I am wanting to eat better and am making delicious meals for myself. Healthy(ish) only eating for many would be a small amount. I may pick at food over the day rather than eat a big meal, and when I do eat a meal, it is not alot.

I am incredibly teary at times (Labile) for no apparent reason. I am less angry now, but in saying that I am so angry at my abusers and those who neglected me in my childhood, I have never been previously able to say this before. I grew up with it being seen as a very negative emotion and you should never feel angry towards anyone. But hell I feel so angry. It is for me a positive emotion and now I am expressing it what a feeling a very good feeling. Anger is an emotion and just important as love, sadness happiness. Being older now and seeing where and by whom I was told about anger being a bad thing, the very people who were hurting me, abusing me, neglecting me are those who did not want me to be angry. Well people I am fucking angry at your betrayal, your abuse neglect and never will it be held within my spirit to make me unwell again! There is a strength in anger. Time to stop saying we do not have a right to feel anger. Be angry, what I need to do is not take my anger out on anyone or any thing else. I found myself angry at procedure of my internet provider, I was getting furious with my dog licking, anger directed inappropriately. Now I am not angry at them today, as I have been in the last week and often over the years. I am appropriately angry and aim it towards those who made me into something/someone I was never meant to be. Now at a mature age, I am letting the anger out and becoming who I am with no feelings hidden or labelled good or bad.

The nausea is improving, I do get it very occasionally now and generally it is a lot of burps with it. I can concentrate for longer periods but get tired very. (I am weary now ) I am attempting to finish this to post it today. I come over at times as if I am going to faint..like just now and I was sitting down and now the nausea is present. I just want to close my eyes and rest. To be continued…

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 20, 2022 4

I never want to pretend!

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD I am attempting to post as I know it helps me when I am struggling. I had a major trigger event since my last post, for me my general reaction is to withdraw, and isolate. Which is what I have done. I cancelled an appointment with my Psychologist a few weeks ago, and the one this week I did not want to do. I did push myself and made the meeting via internet. It was during this that I shared the afore mentioned fact to her and she stated that she knew this and it concerned her. We went on talking and I found myself having somatic reactions and I had to end the meeting. I had to flee.

This has not happened for such a long time a very long time, and now she has sent messages to see how I am. I am not able to read them at least today. Even writing that here I feel nauseous, my mouth is dry.
I am even struggling to keep an appointment with my new GP for blood work. I have made another to have the bloods taken for tomorrow. Perhaps by writing that here it will help me and I plan to have breakfast out so that I am in town early enough and no excuse to miss it. I have spoken to my new GP on the phone only and have an appointment with her early December which is this week arrgh! Well actually mine is next week. It is so darn hard to go through everything again, and to hopefully connect with the new GP. This is all the reality of anxiety of CPTSD.

I have not been able to stop eating highly processed food sweet mostly but just outlandish amounts. Also seems to be a pretty typical for me when triggered.

As bad as I feel and am going life is not horrendous, the reason is I have insight. I am very aware of what is happening, and can accept them not as I have written before not beat myself up about them. I tried doing a pilates class but that to went by the wayside. It is really not about not being motivated when you have CPTSD it is at least for me not punishing myself when I am experiencing a serious trigger reaction, not letting myself keep on consoling myself with the foods as a self comfort tool, knowing to stop it. Accept that it has happened and work on getting back to my healthier eating. My list that makes me live and cope better has/had gone completely out of the window. It is not too late to remind myself of how much better everything is when I follow my list.

I feel so safe and secure in my home and on my little acre. The sun has been out and the beautiful late Spring days have been dry. I have managed to plant some seedlings my tomatoes have finally gone in as have some others.
I will go to bed before 9:30 and read for a while, I will shower every second day. This is not my fall list but for now it is achievable and what I have begun to understand for my own mental and physical well being is to do what I know I can achieve.

There is hope for everyone of us who have CPTSD, PTSD who have depression and anxiety, we can support and just know we are never alone there are other people who really do know what it is like. Finding those people who support and understand is great help. For me sharing my own life as it really is, disjointed with beauty and days out along with the parts that are not so pretty or lovely is the reality of my life.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

December 1, 2021 6

Sulphur Crested Cockatoos Cacatua galerita Cacatuidae

A walk with my dogs on a grey wet Spring Saturday afternoon when a flock of Sulphur Crested Cockatoos, (Cockies) flew into the trees about where we were. They did not stay in these for long. Taking off with much screeching and carry on as only cockatoos seem to do. I noticed some landed in a dead tree further along the river bank. The white of their shape defined clearly on the dark limbs against the rain filled sky. These raucous characters are very intelligent and have in suburban areas learnt to open wheely bin lids. They naturally bob their heads but will also enjoy moving as if dancing to other noises, including music.(more tame birds I imagine. though maybe the odd one in a tree near a BBQ or pool party. Some see them as jerks and pests, especially true as they can be very damaging to crops and when flocks can be as large as several hundred they can decimate a grain crop and damage it totally. In suburbia they have been known to land on a persons shoulder. They tend not to be fearful of humans out where I live in the bush this is not the same. I am also not sure that our Cockatoos have learnt to open our wheely bins when out for garbage day.

I felt I had missed any opportunity to catch this cheeky group again as I loaded up two wet dogs and a damp human into the car for the journey home.

I was delighted to see this fellow up in a tree and at first thought it may have been a nest. It certainly met the criteria for a nesting site for a cockie. Large hollow up high in a tree. It also would explain its flight away. Not wanting to show it was a nest. The comb of sulphur yellow (giving the name) is matched by the underside wings and tail feathers. How wonderful I was able to catch it taking flight.

If this is a nest the eggs are laid in our Spring until early Summer (so now) both parents prepare the nesting site, both will incubate the eggs and care for their chicks. Once the chicks are old enough to fly they will remain with their parents and their flock in definitely.

As I watched it fly away I heard more cockies, down the way a bit and noted that this single bird was flying towards the screaming and other loud squawks emanating in that very direction. Off I drove in pursuit.

I arrived just in time to capture our solo cockie landing near and rather intrusively it seems bye two others. The one already on the branch was attempting to stop it from landing it seems to me as it moved towards it wings akimbo and head up facing the intruder.

I watched the antics of these delightful if raucous screeching native birds considered by some to be clowns of the bird world in Australia. As they interacted in the tree tops. I am glad where I live we do not get the flocks of hundreds that they do in some areas of mainland Australia. The hullabaloo would be deafening and tiresome for too long.

nformation included here is from an article on the http://www.australiangeographic.com.au
Australian Geographic • August 19, 2021

Sulphur-crested cockatoos: Australian icon

So thankful for such a lovely afternoon and to be mask free again. Thankful that Tasmania fortunately seems to have been lucky and not had an Outbreak of the Delta variant. I am thankful that I am surrounded by incredible bird life.
blessings to You, Tazzie

October 24, 2021 3

Simple things and very thankful

Our life in the bubble of living on an island and escaping lock downs since the very beginning of Covid 19 took a very rapid turn last week. On Friday we here in the Southern region of Tasmania were placed into a 3 day lock down from 6pm that night. Someone had ‘escaped’ Hotel quarantine in Hobart and was positive for Covid delta variant. They had been awol for many hours and when located would not share where he had been. This the Lock Down. Thankful so far that no further positive cases have been reported. We are now out of lock down but are required to wear a mask where ever we go except in our own home or car. If we have a visitor we are required to wear a mask.
Very reasonable. I share this as for me with no children and in a rural location it has not really changed my life.
My life with CPTSD is pretty similar to lockdown in some ways. I do not wear a mask in my life normally.

I do have to go out in the morning but I have masks so I am OK with this. It does seem weird that when most other people in the world have been dealing with masks and lock downs for huge periods of time. I especially think of those in Melbourne Australia who have been in lock down for almost a year off and on. I am very aware that we here in Tasmania we have been so very fortunate. A very small price to pay for helping to ensure people are safe especially those who are high risk.

I took the dogs to the beach again today, it was lovely we were the only people and it has stopped raining for a while we were lucky as no one else was around and I did not need to wear a mask. I have to laugh the dogs are not sure what to make of me in the mask.

With all the rain my paddock and chook run are so saturated the water is lying about, and more to come still. The pathway to my front door is covered in mud and water. Between the chickens and rain I almost got bogged in my car leaving the driveway.

A short walk around the garden in the afternoon shows how the deck is so green and full of flowers lush and beautiful. The Irises are stunning this year. Love having so many flower especially on grey days.

I may be frustrated that I can not be in the garden doing what I need or want to mainly due to the weather. I know the sunshine will come and I am sure then I will be saying how hot it is. I have to laugh, we often say here if we did not have such varied weather all year and possibility of all sorts in one day, we would not have things to talk about with people.

blessings to You, Tazzie

October 22, 2021 1

Aurora Australis

One of the things I love doing is photography. I live in the Huon Valley in Southern Tasmania and this provides me with opportunity to see and photograph the Southern Lights; Aurora Australis

I have been unwell with my mental illness and have not been out to shoot any night photographs. I was so delighted recently that the Lady Aurora came for a visit. As beautiful as she was my position was right beside the moon which was very low. There fore impacting the depth of colour that I could shoot. In the photos you will see a moon halo. It was a very cloudy night with bright moonlight. This will also explain why there are few visible stars. You will see beams in the last photographs of the set below.

The photographs below were taken the same night. The only difference is the white balance this may help explain why you will see very different photographs taken at the same time on the same night.
I will sometimes shoot Aurora in a warmer white balance.

If the moon had set or no moon the colours would have been so much deeper. If there had been no cloud it would have been so much better.

This is the beauty of shooting and hunting Aurora here in the Southern Hemisphere. Huon River. Huonville the largest town in the Huon Valley sits at. 43.0304321″ S, 147.0486831″ E

I know that the Aurora Borealis/Northern Hemisphere gave an amazing display recently.

I am thankful to be able to experience this natural phenomenon, so often as I have and to have the equipment to be able to shoot her. I am thankful to live in such a naturally beautiful area.

blessings to You Tazzie.

October 20, 2021 2

Impact of words on me.

‘Lazy, disorganised, fat, you have such a pretty face, you are not going out looking like that, have you brushed your hair, stubborn, clumsy, what are you wearing, be quiet, chatterbox, talk to much, if you stop talking you would hear, you do not listen, don’t, you have to, because, what will other people think, if you had someone else proofread you would get high distinctions (I could have done with Grammarly back then), why can’t you be like a, b, c? I really like you a lot but I can not imagine being with a fat person, if you do that you will be in trouble, how can you find anything in that mess, on that desk, you were trouble before you were born and still are, if you were the first there would have been no more, and many more are the recordings of my life. My whole life until and this is where I am so incredibly thankful for having had my breakdown.

WHAT? NO WAY! Well no I am not saying that having a breakdown was fantastic thing it has been horrendous and I am so very thankful that I survived it, that I am an unsuccessful suicide. FOR This alone I am so happy that I did not succeed. So so very happy.

My life after my breakdown has not/is not always great no one’s life is no matter what is presented via social media sites and even blogs. Photos can be photo shopped. Not even related to the person blogs but images up loaded from a free site that has thousands of photos you can share. You can be anyone behind the screen, the power of the keyboard is very similar to creating more words that have the potential to Stop you.

I do not know how I might have coped, survived if this form of socialising via internet social media ect, if I was growing up in the times of this form of sociallising. Reality of the lives of so many posters bloggers, you tubers is hidden by those who write share her/his life. We can get caught up in the creativity of the person/s crafting their story, the stunning videos the light the ‘unnatural forgotten moments where the camera has caught the sharer. So now it is not just words but images, videos that might stop you too. Deception is real.

As a person with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a purveyor of photography and beautiful light and colours in videos I have been caught out. Looking for my own people who appear to have somewhat the lifestyle I aim for. So many of them I have been in awe at due to the age of the person who is sharing their personal journey. Yet when it is broken down or you think about it seriously I certainly have begun to ponder how they manage to have what they present and how they live; I recently became fixated on how they can do all this on their own.

Certainly the odd person is able to achieve such things, through hard work, and so very often hard times often with many sacrifices to get to their goals, if they have not had support or inheritance from family. Am I sucking on lemons and envious no but like the words that stop me the images, videos beautifully edited and shot, the person living in an isolated tiny home where snow is deep in winter. Doing it so beautifully bathing in the river in the winter. Yet when you look back and see how they have lived in their previous videos with lovely expensive things, and you see the kind of portrayal it is mostly them alone, and the reality can be very different. I know how difficult it can be to care for your own home and maintaining land when you live on your own. I am honest I inherited my home, my land from my partner/husband.
So in the past for me these videos at times would stop me and words such as lazy, hopelessness begin to get into my head, I would question myself why can I not do this. As I can feel inadequate hopeless, lazy, incompetent. I know I am not now. I know that for some of those bloggers you tubers, they don’t live this way either. Smoke and mirrors, fantastic editing, family support and financial help.
I question research and at time doubts. I also am aware of sponsorships, gifts given in exchange for subtle and not so subtle advertising is increasing.

It impacts trust, something I certainly have great difficulty with, and symptomatic of many folk with CPTSD and PTSD.

My breakdown connected me with my Psychologist who provides me with management tools and allows me to speak totally honestly in any manner as in rapid fire all over the place, sometimes emotionally charged and from places I did not realise I had put some of these words that hurt, that demeaned, that inhibited me, confused me, stabbed my heart, numbed me, and certainly became a hefty proportion of reflex and fright ,flight reactions when I was able to in my life fleeing was my chosen path always. I was totally oblivious to why.
Words, and now videos combined with music or photo have power in all our lives, the tone, the emotion involved can be a part of this, but not always.

The words those words that stopped me.

I have learnt and am learning to let the words stay in my life recording now that I CHOOSE;
I am choosing the words that speak to me that I want to be the record in my head, these words are beautiful, intelligent, delight, joy, kindness, acceptance, non judgemental, honesty, integrity, peace, my life, dogs, no, I can not, thank you, enough, nature, contentment, self-caring, thankfulness,solitude, compassion, decisive, knowing my own mind and trusting myself, Goddess and these words bring me the life I am happiest with and empowered me to be able to let go of my birth family. I do not keep people in my life anymore who do not walk in a similar manner.

It takes time to delete the sound track the words, photographs, videos and stories that have made you who you do not desire to be. My recovery from my breakdown is freeing me and it was the beginning of ME. Weirdly I always knew who I was, but the words constraints placed on me by family, education, work places, religion, the right way to act, live, and myself so often too, but when I listened deeply to myself I was always happiest.
My partner was the beginning of this loosing the words not hearing them any more that record of my life, when my partner died, I lost the sound of his voice and the old track returned loudly…I struggled with the words, and eventually my mind broke and here I am now several years since. A totally different life. Even on my bad days I am more and more content. Even on my bad days I am so much better at hearing my own words no one else’s. I read and watch others sharing their lives experiences, but I seek truth of the sharers and not a ‘almost contrived’ for likes lifestyle.

Find your own words and create your own recording and delete the words that bought you to where you are now. Questioning if you might have CPTSD, it is not easy, it was/is for me painful and very emotional yes I wanted to not deal with it so many times and I am sure it will happen again. The difference now is I want to stop those words, the recordings that are not mine. I am achieving this, I am so very happy to wake up every day, regardless of how I feel, and what it might bring.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

October 19, 2021 2

Springtime in Southern Tasmania

What a difference a day of sunshine makes to a lot of things. Here in Australia we have begun daylight savings, ( a week ago). Putting the clocks forward, it caught me by surprise. It was not until I went up to my friends three days later that I discovered that this had happened. I have to laugh at myself. Clocks really do not have any meaning to me these days. Unless I have an appointment. I really do not worry about it the clock that is. Time on the other hand is totally a quandary. I can know longer know by the sunlight what time it is. As the days here in Southern Tasmania get longer time seems to distort.
It has seen me not going to bed till the very wee small hours. Which for me is not such an issue and I am very fortunate.

After spending time sitting with my friends and their dog Toby on their deck, having a lovely morning tea, as the dogs played and the cockatoos screeched.

It sure beat the previous few days, though in between showers I did manage to do something very needed.

It was so great to have been able to spend this lovely day with my neighbours and their dog. The weather deteriorated I endevoured to keep active and give the dogs some nice experiences as the weather was not going to improve for a week or more.

Whilst I find I am able to some things so many more just continue to be on lists. I do get frustrated with myself at times. Yet this is the reality of my life the fact is I am definitely not lacking motivation. I can do things at times. Yet the things that I not able to do are the very things which would make it so much easier in my life. I continue to move things out of the house. I really struggle with my CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) every day there is something that will impact me. I hold on tight to the fact that my mental health is good most of the time, I am so very fortunate safe and secure where I live. I am fed up with the wet weather, and we have more storms coming. It is making it hard to work in the garden and pop in spring flowers seeds.
My seedlings for the veggie garden are doing pretty well and my hope is next week I am able to get in and tend to the beds.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

October 19, 2021 1

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