I never want to pretend!

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD I am attempting to post as I know it helps me when I am struggling. I had a major trigger event since my last post, for me my general reaction is to withdraw, and isolate. Which is what I have done. I cancelled an appointment with my Psychologist a few weeks ago, and the one this week I did not want to do. I did push myself and made the meeting via internet. It was during this that I shared the afore mentioned fact to her and she stated that she knew this and it concerned her. We went on talking and I found myself having somatic reactions and I had to end the meeting. I had to flee.

This has not happened for such a long time a very long time, and now she has sent messages to see how I am. I am not able to read them at least today. Even writing that here I feel nauseous, my mouth is dry.
I am even struggling to keep an appointment with my new GP for blood work. I have made another to have the bloods taken for tomorrow. Perhaps by writing that here it will help me and I plan to have breakfast out so that I am in town early enough and no excuse to miss it. I have spoken to my new GP on the phone only and have an appointment with her early December which is this week arrgh! Well actually mine is next week. It is so darn hard to go through everything again, and to hopefully connect with the new GP. This is all the reality of anxiety of CPTSD.

I have not been able to stop eating highly processed food sweet mostly but just outlandish amounts. Also seems to be a pretty typical for me when triggered.

As bad as I feel and am going life is not horrendous, the reason is I have insight. I am very aware of what is happening, and can accept them not as I have written before not beat myself up about them. I tried doing a pilates class but that to went by the wayside. It is really not about not being motivated when you have CPTSD it is at least for me not punishing myself when I am experiencing a serious trigger reaction, not letting myself keep on consoling myself with the foods as a self comfort tool, knowing to stop it. Accept that it has happened and work on getting back to my healthier eating. My list that makes me live and cope better has/had gone completely out of the window. It is not too late to remind myself of how much better everything is when I follow my list.

I feel so safe and secure in my home and on my little acre. The sun has been out and the beautiful late Spring days have been dry. I have managed to plant some seedlings my tomatoes have finally gone in as have some others.
I will go to bed before 9:30 and read for a while, I will shower every second day. This is not my fall list but for now it is achievable and what I have begun to understand for my own mental and physical well being is to do what I know I can achieve.

There is hope for everyone of us who have CPTSD, PTSD who have depression and anxiety, we can support and just know we are never alone there are other people who really do know what it is like. Finding those people who support and understand is great help. For me sharing my own life as it really is, disjointed with beauty and days out along with the parts that are not so pretty or lovely is the reality of my life.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

6 thoughts on “I never want to pretend!

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  1. Hey sunshine, for some reason you had disappeared and I haven’t got a post for a while. I’ll attempt a re-follow but I’ve had so many problems with not being able to comment on so many sites or others commenting on mine. Must be this beautiful weather, everyone is outside enjoying themselves 😂 You sound like your at least out in the garden, in Tazzie that would be magical. The el nina that has settled in around here has kept the weather wet and mild, a delightful change after the drought, bush fires etc. Hope you find that inner peace so your days can enjoy it too. Love and light 🤣 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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    1. Hi Mark Sadly my garden has not been uppermost in my life over the last couple of months, a lot of time spent with my dogs inside minimising risk post operatively for Busby my big boy who had his cruciat ligament repair done, he is doing well now eight weeks post operative and has been weight baring since day 1 post op. I have for the last week been dealing with a very unexpected choice taken from me, that of going off my antidepressant with no support day 8 and its not brilliant but postives are aplenty. I lost my brand new start the next day tabs, then chemist could not would not renew them, could not get into my GP until thursday just gone 6 days post loosing the tablets, and well just easier to keep going for now. Happy to go back on them if need too in future so thankful to have had them. I have not been reading any posts on anyones blogs and miss it. I am now feeling desire to reconnect with some so see you in your comments I hope soon,

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      1. Then I hope all goes well dear lady, sometimes those surprises can have some good in them. And I hope Busby is doing well then, trying to keep them quiet to allow healing will take some doing but those lovely big eyes looking up to you for regular hugs would be worth it too. It must have been the moon or something as I ran out of my medicine (cortico steroid for emphysema), Sat and for some strange reason my Dr was closed that day so as the medicine went out of my body I felt fantastic as I constantly have allergic reaction when I take it…but alas, when I go off it, as usual, I began to react and my lungs started to blow up. I had to use an old medicine that had something wrong, as in labeled wrong or just too much medicine in it and I would react badly to it. So I had the option of getting very sick or really sick 🤣 Ah life, isn’t it fun 😂. I look forward to hearing from you again dear lady. Love and light to you and the boys, all of you take care 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And just a side issue dear lady, I am having huge problems with many blogs where I cannot comment on them and they in fact cannot comment on mine. I was so surprised when the above comment went through (and I’m not sure if this will go through). I commented on your new post and viola, it didn’t go through either. I hate that, you spend a lot of time to share and poof, into the ether’s it goes never to be seen again. So I am not ignoring you my friend and thankfully I a can still ‘like’ to let you know I am at least reading away. Take care and I’m still here 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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