Simple things and very thankful

Our life in the bubble of living on an island and escaping lock downs since the very beginning of Covid 19 took a very rapid turn last week. On Friday we here in the Southern region of Tasmania were placed into a 3 day lock down from 6pm that night. Someone had ‘escaped’ Hotel quarantine in Hobart and was positive for Covid delta variant. They had been awol for many hours and when located would not share where he had been. This the Lock Down. Thankful so far that no further positive cases have been reported. We are now out of lock down but are required to wear a mask where ever we go except in our own home or car. If we have a visitor we are required to wear a mask.
Very reasonable. I share this as for me with no children and in a rural location it has not really changed my life.
My life with CPTSD is pretty similar to lockdown in some ways. I do not wear a mask in my life normally.

I do have to go out in the morning but I have masks so I am OK with this. It does seem weird that when most other people in the world have been dealing with masks and lock downs for huge periods of time. I especially think of those in Melbourne Australia who have been in lock down for almost a year off and on. I am very aware that we here in Tasmania we have been so very fortunate. A very small price to pay for helping to ensure people are safe especially those who are high risk.

I took the dogs to the beach again today, it was lovely we were the only people and it has stopped raining for a while we were lucky as no one else was around and I did not need to wear a mask. I have to laugh the dogs are not sure what to make of me in the mask.

With all the rain my paddock and chook run are so saturated the water is lying about, and more to come still. The pathway to my front door is covered in mud and water. Between the chickens and rain I almost got bogged in my car leaving the driveway.

A short walk around the garden in the afternoon shows how the deck is so green and full of flowers lush and beautiful. The Irises are stunning this year. Love having so many flower especially on grey days.

I may be frustrated that I can not be in the garden doing what I need or want to mainly due to the weather. I know the sunshine will come and I am sure then I will be saying how hot it is. I have to laugh, we often say here if we did not have such varied weather all year and possibility of all sorts in one day, we would not have things to talk about with people.

blessings to You, Tazzie

October 22, 2021 1

Aurora Australis

One of the things I love doing is photography. I live in the Huon Valley in Southern Tasmania and this provides me with opportunity to see and photograph the Southern Lights; Aurora Australis

I have been unwell with my mental illness and have not been out to shoot any night photographs. I was so delighted recently that the Lady Aurora came for a visit. As beautiful as she was my position was right beside the moon which was very low. There fore impacting the depth of colour that I could shoot. In the photos you will see a moon halo. It was a very cloudy night with bright moonlight. This will also explain why there are few visible stars. You will see beams in the last photographs of the set below.

The photographs below were taken the same night. The only difference is the white balance this may help explain why you will see very different photographs taken at the same time on the same night.
I will sometimes shoot Aurora in a warmer white balance.

If the moon had set or no moon the colours would have been so much deeper. If there had been no cloud it would have been so much better.

This is the beauty of shooting and hunting Aurora here in the Southern Hemisphere. Huon River. Huonville the largest town in the Huon Valley sits at. 43.0304321″ S, 147.0486831″ E

I know that the Aurora Borealis/Northern Hemisphere gave an amazing display recently.

I am thankful to be able to experience this natural phenomenon, so often as I have and to have the equipment to be able to shoot her. I am thankful to live in such a naturally beautiful area.

blessings to You Tazzie.

October 20, 2021 2

Impact of words on me.

‘Lazy, disorganised, fat, you have such a pretty face, you are not going out looking like that, have you brushed your hair, stubborn, clumsy, what are you wearing, be quiet, chatterbox, talk to much, if you stop talking you would hear, you do not listen, don’t, you have to, because, what will other people think, if you had someone else proofread you would get high distinctions (I could have done with Grammarly back then), why can’t you be like a, b, c? I really like you a lot but I can not imagine being with a fat person, if you do that you will be in trouble, how can you find anything in that mess, on that desk, you were trouble before you were born and still are, if you were the first there would have been no more, and many more are the recordings of my life. My whole life until and this is where I am so incredibly thankful for having had my breakdown.

WHAT? NO WAY! Well no I am not saying that having a breakdown was fantastic thing it has been horrendous and I am so very thankful that I survived it, that I am an unsuccessful suicide. FOR This alone I am so happy that I did not succeed. So so very happy.

My life after my breakdown has not/is not always great no one’s life is no matter what is presented via social media sites and even blogs. Photos can be photo shopped. Not even related to the person blogs but images up loaded from a free site that has thousands of photos you can share. You can be anyone behind the screen, the power of the keyboard is very similar to creating more words that have the potential to Stop you.

I do not know how I might have coped, survived if this form of socialising via internet social media ect, if I was growing up in the times of this form of sociallising. Reality of the lives of so many posters bloggers, you tubers is hidden by those who write share her/his life. We can get caught up in the creativity of the person/s crafting their story, the stunning videos the light the ‘unnatural forgotten moments where the camera has caught the sharer. So now it is not just words but images, videos that might stop you too. Deception is real.

As a person with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a purveyor of photography and beautiful light and colours in videos I have been caught out. Looking for my own people who appear to have somewhat the lifestyle I aim for. So many of them I have been in awe at due to the age of the person who is sharing their personal journey. Yet when it is broken down or you think about it seriously I certainly have begun to ponder how they manage to have what they present and how they live; I recently became fixated on how they can do all this on their own.

Certainly the odd person is able to achieve such things, through hard work, and so very often hard times often with many sacrifices to get to their goals, if they have not had support or inheritance from family. Am I sucking on lemons and envious no but like the words that stop me the images, videos beautifully edited and shot, the person living in an isolated tiny home where snow is deep in winter. Doing it so beautifully bathing in the river in the winter. Yet when you look back and see how they have lived in their previous videos with lovely expensive things, and you see the kind of portrayal it is mostly them alone, and the reality can be very different. I know how difficult it can be to care for your own home and maintaining land when you live on your own. I am honest I inherited my home, my land from my partner/husband.
So in the past for me these videos at times would stop me and words such as lazy, hopelessness begin to get into my head, I would question myself why can I not do this. As I can feel inadequate hopeless, lazy, incompetent. I know I am not now. I know that for some of those bloggers you tubers, they don’t live this way either. Smoke and mirrors, fantastic editing, family support and financial help.
I question research and at time doubts. I also am aware of sponsorships, gifts given in exchange for subtle and not so subtle advertising is increasing.

It impacts trust, something I certainly have great difficulty with, and symptomatic of many folk with CPTSD and PTSD.

My breakdown connected me with my Psychologist who provides me with management tools and allows me to speak totally honestly in any manner as in rapid fire all over the place, sometimes emotionally charged and from places I did not realise I had put some of these words that hurt, that demeaned, that inhibited me, confused me, stabbed my heart, numbed me, and certainly became a hefty proportion of reflex and fright ,flight reactions when I was able to in my life fleeing was my chosen path always. I was totally oblivious to why.
Words, and now videos combined with music or photo have power in all our lives, the tone, the emotion involved can be a part of this, but not always.

The words those words that stopped me.

I have learnt and am learning to let the words stay in my life recording now that I CHOOSE;
I am choosing the words that speak to me that I want to be the record in my head, these words are beautiful, intelligent, delight, joy, kindness, acceptance, non judgemental, honesty, integrity, peace, my life, dogs, no, I can not, thank you, enough, nature, contentment, self-caring, thankfulness,solitude, compassion, decisive, knowing my own mind and trusting myself, Goddess and these words bring me the life I am happiest with and empowered me to be able to let go of my birth family. I do not keep people in my life anymore who do not walk in a similar manner.

It takes time to delete the sound track the words, photographs, videos and stories that have made you who you do not desire to be. My recovery from my breakdown is freeing me and it was the beginning of ME. Weirdly I always knew who I was, but the words constraints placed on me by family, education, work places, religion, the right way to act, live, and myself so often too, but when I listened deeply to myself I was always happiest.
My partner was the beginning of this loosing the words not hearing them any more that record of my life, when my partner died, I lost the sound of his voice and the old track returned loudly…I struggled with the words, and eventually my mind broke and here I am now several years since. A totally different life. Even on my bad days I am more and more content. Even on my bad days I am so much better at hearing my own words no one else’s. I read and watch others sharing their lives experiences, but I seek truth of the sharers and not a ‘almost contrived’ for likes lifestyle.

Find your own words and create your own recording and delete the words that bought you to where you are now. Questioning if you might have CPTSD, it is not easy, it was/is for me painful and very emotional yes I wanted to not deal with it so many times and I am sure it will happen again. The difference now is I want to stop those words, the recordings that are not mine. I am achieving this, I am so very happy to wake up every day, regardless of how I feel, and what it might bring.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

October 19, 2021 2

Springtime in Southern Tasmania

What a difference a day of sunshine makes to a lot of things. Here in Australia we have begun daylight savings, ( a week ago). Putting the clocks forward, it caught me by surprise. It was not until I went up to my friends three days later that I discovered that this had happened. I have to laugh at myself. Clocks really do not have any meaning to me these days. Unless I have an appointment. I really do not worry about it the clock that is. Time on the other hand is totally a quandary. I can know longer know by the sunlight what time it is. As the days here in Southern Tasmania get longer time seems to distort.
It has seen me not going to bed till the very wee small hours. Which for me is not such an issue and I am very fortunate.

After spending time sitting with my friends and their dog Toby on their deck, having a lovely morning tea, as the dogs played and the cockatoos screeched.

It sure beat the previous few days, though in between showers I did manage to do something very needed.

It was so great to have been able to spend this lovely day with my neighbours and their dog. The weather deteriorated I endevoured to keep active and give the dogs some nice experiences as the weather was not going to improve for a week or more.

Whilst I find I am able to some things so many more just continue to be on lists. I do get frustrated with myself at times. Yet this is the reality of my life the fact is I am definitely not lacking motivation. I can do things at times. Yet the things that I not able to do are the very things which would make it so much easier in my life. I continue to move things out of the house. I really struggle with my CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) every day there is something that will impact me. I hold on tight to the fact that my mental health is good most of the time, I am so very fortunate safe and secure where I live. I am fed up with the wet weather, and we have more storms coming. It is making it hard to work in the garden and pop in spring flowers seeds.
My seedlings for the veggie garden are doing pretty well and my hope is next week I am able to get in and tend to the beds.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

October 19, 2021 1

You did what?

My first social engagement in a long time was a very enjoyable and at times hilarious creative couple of hours.
In Tasmania we have Womens Health Tasmania. A service run by women for women. I imagine most countries have something similar.

Womens Health Tasmania offer you the opportunity to gain new skills and a better understanding of health issues important to you. We offer:

opportunities to participate in activities, workshops and forums;
information on general health issues; and
individual support.

We also promote the interests of Tasmanian women by working with government and the community sector to provide innovative and cost-effective services.
It is not just about breasts and other parts that make us female, it can be any bit of a female body.
for more information hit the link below.
https://www.womenshealthtas.org.au/events/knit-your-bits

It was on a Sunday afternoon at a lovely new business in Cygnet. Cuckoo. (lovely local creative works being sold for great gift ideas and pure wool for knitting, crotchet, etc.
Our group is doing breasts. Another workshop is the pubic area (Tasmania shape..lol)
You can most likely imagine the laughter and chat that went along with learning to do a magic circle, cups of tea and cupcakes with breast icing decorations.

Just like in real life our crocheted breasts are varied. No pair are the same and no two of a pair are either.

It is also a wonderful pattern for beanies. Miss Treacle is demonstrating the beanie style with elegance.

As hard as it can be for me to sometimes go to things, this was a wonderful small group and I knew no one. I mention this as my anxiety can kick in and that will come out as me talking too much. Some folk do not realise that this is a symptom and not me being comfortable in these sorts of situations. I am really glad I pushed myself and attended.
I did not finish my breast at the group, I get distracted easily. I ended up doing them at home.

It certainly has made me be more creative since. I do tend to forget that being creative and being with small groups is doable for me and with my mental health it does help.

blessings to You, Tazzie

October 10, 2021 3

When Sheep are not quite what they seem

All photographs are the property of Tazzie Gee.

My neighbours sheep have had lambs,

and there are lambs in the paddocks as I drive into town.

And across a road interestingly called Missing Link Rd there are these sheep.

My dog Busby barked at them as I stopped to take the photos. They each have a names the ram; one with glasses is Byron such a clever flock. Willie, Brian, Nettie, Nicole, Fenn. Talk about recycling. These wonderful creative sheep are made out of old gas cylinder bottles. I am so often awed by the creative and artisan people who live call the Huon Valley home. Who are genuinely themselves and do what makes them happy and in the process bring joy and delight to others. Add to this that there are many things in the area that can be viewed with no extra cost than the petrol.

I am thankful to have a car, to have enough money to fill it with petrol. I am thankful for the amazing artisians who make this beautiful valley home adding her or his uniqueness to our valley. I am thankful for the incredible place I l live. For being safe, clean air, and freedom to be myself, say what I think and most of all I am thankful that as I have got older and worked to accept and live with my mental illness/s I can be myself and let go of so many words that have been used and sometimes still are to limit me.

blessings to You. Tazzie

October 4, 2021 6

Early Spring in my house garden.

It has been incredibly wet here in Southern Tasmania and today as I sit writing this blog it is drizzling and very humid. Too little has been achieved in the last couple of weeks and the weeds and grass are growing and spreading. Yet when I do pull them out too much soil comes with them. So the weeds and grass grow. All is not lost as the fruit trees and other plants are thriving. I am on the 43.1S latitude, 147. E longitude. Climate is cool temperate though that can vary depending on your individual garden and areas in your garden. The soil type, mine is heavy clay. Over the years my work with no dig gardens along with my partner having planted Acacias which provide wind breaks and nitrogen to the soil.
The last couple of years I have been doing a back to Eden for the vegetable growing area and fruit trees. This is because I have been very fortunate to have tree trimmers come out my way and shred the variety of branches on the job. Rather than pay to have to travel to the closest open tip/garbage/rubbish area, they are happy to drop it off at locals homes if you are fortunate enough I have receive two huge truck loads and my hens have been assisting to aerate and and add more nutrients to it, whilst removing some bad bugs and eggs. Of course they will also remove the worms and too. The hens have also spread it about which is not so great for moving.

So a walk around the house area and on my deck follows.

I love having flowers in my garden all year and I seem to have achieved it. I can not think of any time when something is not flowering. It has not happened instantly and is always changing as I move things, plant more.
I have native bush areas and will be increasing flowering native plants in and around this. Salvias seem to like my garden and do not seem to be eaten by the wallabies and possums. As I do not want to fence out the native animals I generally have chosen to grow on my deck so I can enjoy them and not the native animals who I love having about the house.

I do fence off plants such as my white daisy plant which I had not realised they would enjoy to nibble on.
Rain is forecast for the week ahead which makes it very hard to weed (as the soil is saturated ) I did see some bees about which is one of my fears that all the rain we have been having is inhibiting the bees from pollinating the fruit trees and flowers. My hope is the wind ants and other bugs are doing a great job of pollination. Other wise fruit will be less.

We are not short of bees in Tasmania South. Having many native bees along with honey bees and introduced bumble bees.

Today I spent time planting more seeds and potting up my tomatoes. Seed germination so far has been really good compared to last year. I am working out ways to grow some things in a protected situation in case it is a wet summer. I had some brassicas in the veggie area and someone I think my chooks got in and ate them ARRRGH! I will follow up in a veggie garden update.
For me doing anything with the garden is great for my CPTSD even sitting on the deck on this greay drizzling humid day. Listening to the bird songs and calls and raindrops falling on my metal roof.
I am thankful for full rain water tanks, for being able to live where I do. I am thankful that I am safe (even with earthquake (Victoria) and tornado in NSW recently. I am thankful no one was seriously injured in either area.
blessings to You, Tazzie

October 2, 2021 2

Discovery

These photos were taken with my Apple I phone 7 as I did not take my camera with me…I just forgot…sigh. not unhappy with the photos but I will journey again to use my camera. If you wish to share any just acknowledge I Echidna Home Blog please as photographer.

Seedling tree in protective green sleeve

I decided to take a long drive to my GP appointment recently, (65km trip one way) and on the way not very far from where I live a landowner had leased his land to state forestry. Recently they cleared some of the land. I ventured down the track to wet my curiosity and to my delight all the views above were from the top of the now cleared but reforested mountain/hill.

Views that have been lost for quite a while as the trees matured. I wish I could buy this land and build a small home and cherish it. How incredible to see 360 degree views such as these. So delighted I found this area. Taking a chance that you might get bogged or bottom out your car can be so worth it.

blessings to You, Tazzie

September 15, 2021 2

Winter End Garden Tour

I have shared about myself and what my life has been like over the past few months living with CPTSD. It seems to me writing here assists me so much. Seeing my thoughts/activities/feelings in print help me see how far I have come in my life with this illness. Learning to live my life accepting how I move through each day no matter how and what is happening in my life and life around me. I am proud of myself that I keep moving forward no matter how minuscule it may be.

Lets look at what is happening in the garden. Here in the Southern Hemisphere we being our Spring Season very soon; the problem tends to be I along with many others feel the days lengthen and see the weeds growing all the new growth everywhere. I feel the urge to sow seeds. I have to hold myself back and wait wait.. which I have been doing, today I intend to plant a few in pots to germinate in side.

Lets go for a walk around my gardens in the last few days of the yearly Winter season.

The first photos are the small garden in front of my home, my chooks have been allowed to free range and they have been turning the soil hunting for bugs and turning the soil. Along with damaging the rhubarb and a little damage to other plants in the small space.
Down the side of the house I have my perfumed geranium which was damaged in the gale force winds we had recently, it looks a bit bedraggled. I would have pruned it myself, the weather having done it for me means one less item on my list for the garden.
The last two photos are of my red wattle tree. I was so sad to see that this young sapling had been badly damaged in the gale wind. I really hope that I can prune it and save this lovely tree.

Where land cleared of blackberries and old wattle trees

Oh look capsicums/peppers left on bush..still going.

One of my plums I have been clearing around and prunning

I feel like I have done very little during winter, yet when I review the photos I have been doing small things. On top of this each day I walk around and pull weeds out of the paddock area.
We have had a very wet few weeks very wet. This has made it more difficult to continue to clear around the fruit trees as the ground is too wet.

The joy of my garden and the hope that I will get seeds in and growing for my own vegetables and food. Rain and colder days are on the agenda for a few more days.

The chooks ahh the chooks sadly I have three roosters, and only five girls. Rupert has been amazing with the chicks but they have all grown up now and I have to attend to reducing the number of roosters, as they will be to much and to mean for the few girls I have. Sadly only one of the female chicks have survived to now. I also lost one of my original hens one of the brown girls. Penny I am not holding out any hope that she is nesting anywhere. My neighbours have also got new hens, and both my neighbour and I have noted that a Sea Eagle has been flying around everyday. This may be part of why my hens have disappeared along with one of the rooster chicks (perhaps not so bad one less for me to attend).

I have been taking my vitamin D as down here we have such low levels of sun over this time of year it is a necessity. It also helps with mood and lessening seasonal affective disorder. (SAD)

It is great to wake up each day, to see how beautiful my garden is looking. I am so thankful to have such a great area to create my space.

I am thankful to those of you who read my posts, blessings to You all. Tazzie

August 26, 2021 2

When you really go backwards.

May be triggering and language some may find offensive. Please do not share or use any of the following without consent of Echidna Home. (C)

Living with a mental illness such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is so shit at times. I have been moseying along living life in way that has been good. I was out for a day with a friend on Saturday all day and it was really lovely we went to a town further a field. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have to say being with her is quite relaxing as their is nothing like being with someone who really understands what having a mental illness is like. We shared a lot it was really interesting, though at one point she mentioned that she often felt suicidal. This just blew me away, we talked and shared (as we both have had too many people we know and love succeed in suicide. )

Yesterday Sunday (it is a long weekend here in Tasmania). I was just at home and perhaps just switched totally off I am not sure even what I did. Yet I woke feeling good.

I needed to go and get some chook food so drove int Huonville. I did the little bit of shopping I needed too, and stopped for a bite to eat and coffee at one of my faviourite cafes. Sitting in the lane with my dogs, a small disagreement with another dog, sorted and my dogs under the table. His dog near his and all fine. Thy moved the dog and it blocked the access for the staff to bring drinks and food out. One staff member spilled coffee another almost dropped a dish, then the dog jumped up and tried to take food from a plate a staff member was bringing to another table.
These people made no effort to move the dog, they never apologised to the staff. I suggested they move the dog form between the stairs and table, they saw no problem.. I was triggered and ended up just loosing it. I could not believe anyone would put anyone else at such risk to conducting their work. I even said it was a health and saftey issue. They just laughed at me and my escalation telling me I should leave. Of course I responded and it went on..I just could not shut up and fucking was used by me numerous times it seems to go with the course. Then one of these people said in a loud voice that I had obviously missed my medication as I was crazy. Well that was just the final trigger. Mocking mental health! I just kept on at her. I was shaking and crying red in the face.

When they were leaving after a very uncomfortable silence had settled whilst some of them finished their food.

It was ugly and horrible and I feel so ashamed, I lost it completely I was so so disappointed as I have not had anything like this occur in over a year. Sigh. I know I know I have a mental illness. I get triggered and when I am triggered I say fucking a lot. Positive is I will be speaking to my psychologist later on this week.

I feel so ill and so tired from all this. I hate this illness. Not being in control and all the work and effort is so tiring so all consuming. I feel I am growing I know I am moving forward I know all this. Yet an experience like this is just frustrating and now takes so much work to not let my self loathing feelings of shame and disillusionment and all those delights that come after such an episodes.

For me where I am now right now is that I do still have insight, I still know that I am so much better than I have been. I am still moving forward. I know I am improving and this is just a small set back.

It taught me that there are some truly wonderful people out there who when someone with a mental illness is falling a part I had someone who stood bye me and cared. For this I am so very thankful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

March 8, 2021 8

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