Homesteading its not always simple.

I have harvested some potatoes that I was growing in containers. Whilst the weight of the harvest has been reasonable for my first try. I have been disappointed with the size. Small to mini potatoes. I have harvest about 3kgs only. Looking at weight of seed potatoes I planted was just under 1kg, It is at least a gain. I have planted more in one container, and from reviewing my method of care feel I may not have watered them enough. Time will tell.

The top left photo looked promising with potatoes. This is the third pot I had dug on the right is the actual volume of potatoes.
The two photos below are of potatoes harvested from two larger black pots a few days before. I did get two OK sized ones. They will be delicious and yes I am disappointed as I said. It is a learning curve. If anyone has any suggestions I am happy for input.

I was working on my deck and noticed a hen jump over the vegetable garden fence, it sort of looked like Fried, I had to turn the hose of and grab some shoes. I could not see a hen anywhere. I have in there for when Miss Treacle comes in to be with me but gets too hot. She goes in digs a shallow dip and lays in the shade coolness, as I work.
I had looked for her there ages ago but this time I found her. She was right up in the back and it was only that I had a torch with me I think I could see her this time.. I was so happy that she was alive!.

I then checked under her,

She was sitting on 20 eggs. She was just managing to cover. I was not sure how long she has been there. So I am not sure how old some of the eggs are. I looked at my chicken coop and my little coop I have used to have a Mamma Hen sit on her eggs and care for her very young chicks.

I have had to come to a difficult decision and that is for the sake of the chicks and Frieda as well as myself I needed to cull the eggs. So yesterday I removed half of them. Nine of which were fertile. I must say Frieda looked at me as I took the eggs, she then looked at the ones she had near her. She looked at me and settled so much easier on the greatly reduced number of eggs. There is of course a possibility that more eggs will not be fertile. Having examined the eggs I removed I feel that she has probably a week to go before any begin to hatch. However I am no expert. I understand many of you may feel that this is horrible and cruel. Yet this is the reality of homesteading. I imagine I would have buyers of them in 20 weeks if they were mostly females for point of lay hens. I would still have to cull roosters (and will have to regardless as I can only have one rooster in my coop). Roopert is loud and frustrating but he is a wonderful rooster caring for his girls and obviously good father material.

I had no real desire to have chicks this year. My small coop needs some work so tomorrow I will be fixing it up if I have the things I need otherwise it will be Monday. I shall then move Frieda and her eggs to the new single Mamma’s Home Coop. It is in the chook run. This is so that the other hens and Roopert will hear and eventually see the chicks. I have put the chick mix to help reduce risk of Coccidiosis (I do not use the medicated one but one that is more herbs based. As Frieda is not laying eggs now she does not need the same food and she can eat this mix. As it is also not a ‘medicated’ mix her eggs when she begins laying again can be eaten. Normally you can not eat eggs from a hen that has eaten the medicated chick feed. for several weeks.

I am growing a bit clucky myself and look forward to having little chicks about. I love how the Mamma talks to them and settles them. How they race about and she teaches them all they need to know. Fingers crossed Frieda is a good Mamma.

So my little homestead is growing.

My meal worms have all become beetles and now I wait for them to lay eggs and worms to happen. It is not a fast process.

My worm farm is doing really well too.

Wallabies are being kept out of the chicken run at evening time I accidentally locked one in one night and it was very eager to leave when I arrived in the morning. I terrified the poor guy even more trying to get it out of the gate.

We have had a lot of humid weather and more storms and heavy rain. In the north of Tasmania flooding was happening, whilst in Western Australia over 80 homes were lost in bush fires. We are a harsh country.
The weather has really played havoc with my veggie garden and nearly everyone I know who is only growing tomatoes outside is finding they are ripening very slowly.
It is an extremely strange summer here.

Though as I sit here typing the sun is just going down and we have a very long dusk. There is not a cloud in the sky and very strange to see is the green grass on the hills across the river. It is February our hottest month usually and people are ordering water tracks as tanks can get low. Instead my tanks are overflowing and there is green grass. Some of my wattles are flowering again peculiar. If it is not climate change Mr Morrison (Australia’s Prime Minister who does not believe in it) what is it?

I am eating mostly with improvement, I am probably doing half of my routine. The walking the dogs instead of me driving and them running is not happening. I have been blaming it on humidity or heat. I do walk them when we are in towns. Just not the daily walk. Showering is going well and going to bed is much better all with improvement to be made. I am happy though as I am feeling on the whole better and not beating myself up at all. I am moving forward.

I have potted up some Autumn veggies in containers on the deck and some flowers. Reorganising, feeding and rearranging the deck garden. I will share more about the deck and veggie garden soon.

I began clearing out the car port, that continues. I still have to move more of last years wood so I have room for this years delivery.

I am thankful that Frieda is alive. I am thankful that I am managing my CPTSD better than I was last post, I am thankful I am mindful of my triggers, I am thankful for full water tanks, I am thankful we have had no cases of Covid-19 here in Tasmania for ages and life is fairly good here. I think of those in WA who are now homeless. I think of those who live in Melbourne and are back in total lockdown again, and for others around the world.

I hear Roopert crowing goodnight, I too shall take my leave.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

February 13, 2021 9

Carrots a success story

Why are carrots so hard for me to grow? This is my most successful crop so far.
Any help appreciated . They are tasty, and enough for a meal for me. Or a good supply for lilliputians.

Seriously these were just seeds I had spread about in a few pots on my deck. I am assuming that they needed to stay in for a bit longer.

I wanted to revive the pots and sow some more seeds in them. I have been tidying the deck today. My lettuces are doing OK, one variety has gone to seed. But some others are just developing and the cos is growing, I actually ate some of the leaves of one of them recently with my wee tomatoes. Oh were they so tasty. Just incredible.

Above are some beans I threw in my half wine barrels, along with kale cornflowers and weeds. The iris (brown leaves) have been broken up for composting around them. I ate some of the bigger beans as a snack today. Lovely. I am enjoying my surprise barrels. I sit at my table on my deck when I sow seeds, and often for no real reason I just toss some seeds into the barrels. I am very delighted with what is growing at present.
I have kale, silverbeet and a calendula. These are the three pots in the most shaded part of my front west facing garden. Running along the front of the deck.

Marshmellow Black Beauty and Penny enjoying the green shoots of the grass

My idea of keeping the hens and Roopert in their run is failing. Sigh. It has rained and there is green grass shooting. Unheard of in February. Normally our hottest month. More rain forecast this weekend and heavy. Fuller rain tanks nothing will be the joy of this if it eventuates.

Tulle protecting my plums my new faviourite way to keep birds and insects off. and possums

My Deck garden is containers. I am amazed at what I can grow in pots. The benefit is wallabies and possums do not get at them. The chooks can not get at them, or dig under them. Even the starlings and black birds do not tend to get into them like the veggie garden beds. I can cover them easily to prevent cabbage moth damag.

cucumbers fore ground, purple sweet potato middle, potaoes right side, and terracotta coloured pot.

Flowers are becoming a part of my deck garden this year and perhaps more so. In with vegetables they make me smile and happy to see.

Below are my firs attempts at making apricot and peach fruit leathers. There is nothing wrong with the one in the tray it is how apricots dry when no sulpher is used. My peaches were to moist and I should have read up more on what to do but I know next time. (they dripped through) I am not happy with these trays which have not been used a lot. They are cracking. To replace them is not cheap. My dream is to save for a metal set up ie very expensive Excalibur Dehydrator which is also a square one, which is easier to put the puree on and the fruit. The temperature is more evenly spread. The difference in colour of my apricot leather the heat/air in the round ones is not dispersed so well. Lovely with some desiccated coconut. I did add a little sugar but not a lot.

The peach ones are at the front and due to their being so moist they dried very differently. I am trying to dry some hard enough no dry enough that I can then powder the peach. I can then add the powder to tea, and yohgurt. Cream ice cream even my weet-bix. It was simpler than doing a syrup or jam, and I am not a big jam eater. I am enjoying the leathers, and will be buying some seconds strawberries to make strawberry leather too.
I will freeze the plums I think.

The blackberries are ripening and so delicious. I am freezing these for muffins and yoghurt, and winter porridge.

I am thankful for the rain , as I have enough water for my gardens, I am thankful for all the beautiful things in my garden. I am thankful to Mother Earth for her wonders and how a tiny seed can grow and give us food. I am thankful to my hens for the eggs they provide for me and my dogs. I am thankful for my health and the improving of my mental health as I get back to my routine.

February 1, 2021 6

Living with CPTSD

Wondering sometimes if sharing so much of my own life and experience with this mental illness can cause some anxiety.
I ponder often if I just kept living my life in private would I be better off.

My answer is a resounding No.

I have not posted for a while and that is partly due to life, and more to do with not being so well. As for many people the holiday period can be unsettling. Yet mine personal experience has been more about what I have been hiding from myself.
I missed the time with people I care about and love, those I have welcomed into my life not necessarily those by birth. I do not celebrate ‘Christmas” the church holiday, nor am I a big fan of the commercialised concept.

After gorging on almost 3.5kg of Toblerone (darn supermarket had the huge huge blocks so cheap)plus a whole lot of other highly processed food. Over a couple of weeks, I realised I was not well. Yes physically but also mentally.

I had been with people on boxing day (26/12/2020) and it was really lovely.
Yet I had a dark area forming in my moods. I began to sink slowly not wanting to be but not really being able to stop. Feed my face feel angry, eat more, feel upset, eat more, yet no comfort did I feel from my emotional eating.

I feel my psychologist was aware that I might have been heading for a bit of a backstep. In combination with COvid and all the lockdowns seeing an increase in mental unwellness our Federal Government increased the number of visits to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor you could have to 20 a year. Prior to this it was 6 having over the past few years gone from being 12 to 6. So I am seeing my psychologist more often.

Shortly into the new year I had my first appointment. I really did not want to do a zoom, or talk to her. In the morning as the approaching time came my neck began to itch unbearably. As our meeting began, it became to so extreme I could not talk all I could do was rub my neck, jawline and cheeks. I had welts and rash from this, and it just was so intensely and utterly uncontrollable I just had to scratch. She offered to reschedule but I knew I wanted, to no needed to talk about what ever this was.

As I began to talk I just let the words come and what I discovered was I really wanted to have people over, to decorate my home for Yuletide(even though here it is summer). I wanted to celebrate the season, to share in what is in the northern hemisphere the returning of the sun and longer days. (Maybe I need to look at celebrating it in winter down here..lol ). Now we can not celebrate sitting around a fire (total fire ban) and daylight goes until nearly 10pm. But..the idea of just being a group and yes of women friends. Sitting sharing and talking about their passions. Being thankful for all we have.

As I really thought about it, the itchy remained and I was scratching and rubbing. Very aware of it, but also of the feeling or overwhelming sadness. tears rolled down my face as I began to have memories of wonderful times at my grandparents home. 40dC/104dF the combustion (wood fired stove) going cooking Christmas lunch in a tiny 2 bedroom fibro house with 9 people inside around the fan and a water filled air conditioner.
It was not just about being with my grandparents. It was something more. It was not perfect. It was simple it was hard work for my grandmother and mother.
I think it was that my Grandparents had decorated their tiny home with so much delight. There was a real feeling of wonder.
Perhaps that is just a simplistic childlike memory of a better time in my childhood. Yet it is a deep memory that has come out and changed me.

It was not instantly. I did not toss or give away the remaining highly processed food, nor get immediately back on my routine. (Yes I was totally off every aspect of my routine). Are you sick of my routine yet?

I have been kind to myself. I have not punished myself, or done the negative self talk as much as possible. I have sat with the feelings, working through them now rather than emotionally eating in an attempt to keep what ever my mind and body needed me to get out. As small and simple as this new knowledge been to me as I worked through all that was happening internally and externally, yes the hives continued for a week even with anithistamines. I now know more about what I need for myself.

Pushing myself to talk and work through the incredible discomfort of this as with so many other times on my path towards managing and maybe healing my mental illness. Is hard, intense, extraordinarily emotional and confronting at times yet worth it. For me my life now is about living my best life. MY LIFE.

What my CPTSD has taught me so far is that as a child my brain was so incredible at creating ways to keep me safe and living by just pushing all the screwed up shit that was my childhood so often deep inside me. I lived two lives the one at home an the one at school, the one where I tried to make friends, to be a friend yet even as a small child I was filled with rage and anger at what had been done and was being done to me.

Finally I am really aware that I love being alive. Even on my really bad days. I love that I am moving through so much that has happened in my lifetime, but especially in my childhood and adolescence. As hard as draining and scary sometimes letting these hidden experiences feelings and emotions out is, the understanding that each time this happens is a step forward for me to BE ME. As corny as that sounds.

So yes I will keep sharing my personal journey. My life. Its warts and all that happens. I am currently a mature aged woman who has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, who is not so afraid of the blackness as I was because I am learning that the blackness is all my trauma, all my fears, known and unknown. That part of my healing is working bloody hard to accept and let these fears,and emotions of my life experiences out. To just burp the bottle a bit at a time. Not every appointment with my psychologist is such. However for me it is the time after where I really develop understanding and can really explore what has happened in the appointment are where the biggest shifts in my life are. Where the new strength is and where my adult self is able to speak up. Say and do what I want not just need to live my life as I chose.

The other reason I keep sharing the good the bad and the unwell, is that not so many years ago the word Cancer was never said, then it was whispered about if someone had it as if it might be contagious. Well I see similarities with mental illness. As statistics say
•Mental illness is very common. One in five (20%) Australians aged 16-85 experience a mental illness in any year. The most common mental illnesses are depressive, anxiety and substance use disorder. These three types of mental illnesses often occur in combination. For example, a person with an anxiety disorder could also develop depression, or a person with depression might misuse alcohol or other drugs, in an effort to self-medicate. Of the 20% of Australians with a mental illness in any one year, 11.5% have one disorder and 8.5% have two or more disorders. Almost half (45%) Australians will experience a mental illness in their lifetime
. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2009). National Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing: Summary of Results, 4326.0, 2007. ABS: Canberra

By Rubina Kapil on February 6, 2019

Mental health and substance use challenges can take many forms. There’s depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, addiction and the list goes on. Some of these challenges are more visible and you might recognize them immediately. Others can be harder to see when you’re not looking for them. But, they are still there.

These statistics provide a look at how many people face a mental health or substance use challenge, whether we see it or not:

In the United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime.
5 percent of adults (18 or older) experience a mental illness in any one year, equivalent to 43.8 million people.
Of adults in the United States with any mental disorder in a one-year period, 14.4 percent have one disorder, 5.8 percent have two disorders and 6 percent have three or more.
Half of all mental disorders begin by age 14 and three-quarters by age 24.
In the United States, only 41 percent of the people who had a mental disorder in the past year received professional health care or other services.

So when you look at these figures my personal feelings are we need to be talking openly and honestly about our illnesses. This brings more understanding to others going through it, to family and friends of people who are dealing with CPTSD and PTSD. It makes the politicians more aware of the impacts on work experiences, prejudices of some employers, how difficult life really is, costs to individuals and families emotionally financially, more one on one services and packages for those of us unable to afford access to psychologists and psychiatrists. It may help to reduce suicide. Family issues. Our own issues. Employers/businesses will really understand why we might behave or respond in situations. Also Schools may begin to realise that so much of how and what they encourage as ‘normal’ is really not for everyone.

It may also help those younger folk who are not ‘fitting in’ to what society says is ‘normal life’ If I had known for me living out of town and not having heaps of social activities and lots of friends was perfectly normal and OK for me at a much younger age it may have been helpful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

January 20, 2021 15

Morning on my little acre.

For those of you who follow me know I find managing my CPTSD involves keeping a very simple routine. I now have an added component in my daily routine. With the introduction of my lovely hens and Le Coq Arrogant, who are settled into their lovely house every night. In the morning I and the dogs, get up and we go and let the chooks out.

In itself is a good thing, we then walk about the vegetable garden and garden ensuring the bird baths, and critter water containers are full.

removing a few self sown understory trees for light on garden

A lot of photographs to share. I sit with the fire going snow down to 600 metres in some areas of Tasmania tonight.

I have just let the chooks out to roam freely about the paddock and scratch making a mess in my bark areas. They love my gooseberry area. As long as they leave my vegetable garden lone this can be a daily experience.

I love my garden and my acre. For me such a good thing to help with my CPSTD.

The way I have created my new very high metre garden bed was utilising some Huegle Kulture https://richsoil.com/hugelkultur/ concepts. I had a lot of dried fine branches that I broke up, and similarly with the the larger ones, I then added some very old chook manure and straw from the hen house clean out prior to my hens moving in. some green waste, then aged horse manure and more straw, pea straw. When I plant the bed I will add some good soil and plant into that. So utilising the no dig garden bed by Esther Deans book.

Booktopia - Esther Deans No-Dig Gardening & Leaves of Life ...

and lasagna https://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Build-A-Lasagna-Bed/principals.

I hand water only using a hose. I am on tank water only and this also means I am looking at every plant in my garden and on my deck that I gain a real knowledge of my plants and when is best to water them. In summer time here I usually water once the sun has moved off the plants.

I feel so earthed and connected to Mother Earth in my garden, and with all the wildlife, insects reptiles, and birds that live in and love my garden. I ensure that I have water for all and plants to eat, protection, nectar, and safety.

blessings to You. Tazzie

September 24, 2020 0

Life’s like that.

May be triggering. All words, experiences and photos are mine please do not share or copy without my permission.

We have been having stunning winter days here in the Huon Valley Tasmania. It is so lovely that even though it may only be 15dC/59dF you can work in the garden in a t-shirt. My plans to work in the garden today went out the window.

In a interesting and somewhat horrendous experience of dealing with living with my mental illness. Yet the out come of the experience is positive for me. It will get more and more positive as I work through it as is my normal process.

It is hard to believe it is the end of July. I am at least feeling some what improved mentally living with CPTSD/PTSD and learning to move forward, whilst dealing with so many historical things which trigger me are tiring. I do believe the overwhelming tiredness is something that so many people just have no comprehension of for those of us living and working through our mental illness.

I had an appointment with my wonderful psychologist today. Which was timely. I could not work out why I had ceased my walking my dogs. I had been really enjoying doing it regardless of the weather. (OK being truthful) the dogs would make me get up and go, and the feeling of enjoyment after the walk and lift in my spirits were such a great benefit, I was thankful that I had got up and done the walk. This has not happened for over a month now.

I realised I was triggered by someone who I do not really know (lovely older lady who had been staying with her family up the road and has been stuck here in Tasmania due to the borders of the state she is from being closed. Due to Covid -19) . She was being encouraging and I understand this when she commented on how wonderful I was doing walking every day.

For me though that was a trigger. Weird but true. I just stopped.

It has been on my mind and frustrated me as I could not understand why her kindly meant words of encouragement floored me.

So glad I shared this with my Psychologist. In our discussion she asked me what would occur in my family situation when there was any sort of comment. Generally it would be a kind of backhanded one. You would be so pretty if you lost weight. Is the one that is embedded in my mind. Yet as a child I swam competitively representing my local region at the town/ city region meet. I played competitive hockey, did gymnastics, including uneven bars, and beam.

So when my psychologist began to take me through what appears to be happening, and asked me how I responded to these sorts of comments. Did I rebel and do the opposite. I began to get a feeling of being really nauseous. I felt like I was going to be ill. I really went into a weird sense of my mind being totally blank. I shared all this with her. I experience somatic issues often when dealing with the things I have blocked.

As I have dissociated in previous meetings, she thought it best if we moved away from this area and came back to it in another appointment. I for some reason just could not move anywhere. I am not saying I dissociated. I was very aware of everything happening and it was just blankness in my head, and the nausea and an overwhelming tiredness was coming over me.

I pushed through it to let her know I was present, but just not able to think and it became obvious as we moved away from the topic. I struggled to find the right words yet I was not aware of what I was thinking. I was just so ill and exhausted. Perhaps part of this was my making a serious effort not to dissociate. I want to deal with it. I even said that I am sure. Yet I knew I was not able to and had to say I could not do any more today. Which was perfectly OK. I have complete control in our appointments Which is something that helps me and I know I am always safe.

We ended our meeting(internet) and I just lay on the couch dozing. My dogs were outside today, and for once I feel this was a good thing as I know Miss Treacle would have been extremely concerned. She was anyway when I did let them back in an hour later.

I lay on the lounge just overcome with this blankness, nausea and tiredness. Where as before the appointment I had been busy and planning my shopping and attending the washing. Intending to go and do some work in the garden afterwards. It all came to a stop.

I must have dozed off. I roused due to Miss Treacle barking to be let inside. Both dogs kept looking at me wanting their run. I took them for their walk/run. I drove and did not want to meet anyone, or have the neighbours dog play with Busby today. Thankfully that did not happen. It was a quick trip.
I spent the afternoon on the lounge unable to do much at all. The blankness of my head began to clear and I began to review what I could of this mornings appointment.

As my psychologist had indicated I had reacted to this lady’s comment as I had in the past to family comments. I rebelled and that was to do the complete opposite.
It was quite interesting for me, as the nausea went even though the tiredness is still present even as I write. Obviously my mind is no longer blank. I will be going to bed early after my shower.

I am so thankful to have had this experience as hard as it has been today, yet again there has been an ahh haa moment.

I understand why I do the complete opposite now when someone comments on something I see as just everyday thing. I will as with every ahh haa moment over the last few years spent working with a psychologist and my own abilities move through this slowly but with a whole new understanding and appreciation for how incredible our minds are! How even when I was traumatised so often in my young life and onto my adolescence and even adulthood often powerless it seemed to cope. My mind developed a life saving tool. I appreciate it so much.

As I do believe this has been what has kept me here alive. It is also the reason I am becoming me totally me. Sometimes beginning , be brave enough to share and begin working through these horrendously hard dark moments takes so much out of me. Yet the moment the connections are identified in that ahh haa moment, I feel real, I understand sort of, and I feel a moment of connection with the child, the adolescent and me the adult.

I value all the parts that make me who I am today.

It is not the last time I will walk this bumpy path. With its rabbit holes dark and long that I could venture in. Into the black hole. I have no desire to go back their. I still struggle not to follow the winding rabbit path leading to the blackness. I have tools now, which help me. I have been in the shelter of the rabbit hole opening but I am sticking my head and body back out and moving away. Back into the colours. Moving forward again.

I am finding that it takes effort and strength of mind to listen, to fight, and to be thankful to all that has protected me throughout my life. For me to be in control, in charge,applying boundaries and acceptance that I choose. I am stronger than I thought, and I am so proud of where I am. I realise there will be more times like this last six+ weeks.

I have come through it feels, with things to work through and move on from. I am being very kind to myself. I am OK. It has been a good day! Crazy but true it has been a good day.

I appreciate everyone who reads this. If you are someone with CPTSD/PTSD it is important to be kind to yourself.

I am so thankful for my psychologist. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for all I have.

blessings to You. Tazzie

July 30, 2020 3

Learning to live in the moment again!

blessings to You. Tazzie

July 25, 2020 4

Reality of Life with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD or PTSD).

I had created a routine, which is really simple way for me to keep moving forward.

It is a simple routine

Walk the dogs everyday. When I am not well I drive the car and the dogs run or walk . The dogs are getting exercised me well not in this manner.

Get in the garden daily do something even if just pulling a weed. I am doing work in the garden. Not as often as I would like to.

Eat well/healthy fresh food. Hmm off the rails. Though I have begun to eat some of my home made frozen meals. I am thankful that I have frozen meals. I tend to make a family meal when cooking often. I then freeze portions left over. Budget friendly and incredibly handy.

In bed light off 22:30. That has really gone out the window. As in last night it was 04.15am. I was up at 10am so not bad. Though my big dog went out for a wee this morning, came back inside, took himself up the stairs back to bed. Fair enough.

Shower every two days. This is still happening.

Change my clothes every two days still happening. I am washing my clothes and not leaving them in the machine. (which is what I used to do when I was not as well as I am even now.)

I also force myself to not just go grocery shopping, to take time have a coffee and have something to eat at least being out of the house, and with a chance to catch up with someone.

I do talk with some neighbours regularly as our dogs play.

Being thankful.

The other thing in improving my mental health is that I know what is triggering me. I have shared all this before. Yet for anyone with a mental illness the necessity to be able to identify your triggers, understand them and how you respond is important. It has been

I know that a conversation with my psychologist where I released that part of the reason my home may be as it is inside and my seemingly inability to DO SOMeTHING about it was related ( (so many people believe that you can just get off the couch and DO IT) ah if only so easy.

As anyone with CPTSD or PTSD understands you can have every intention of doing your washing, cleaning your home, eating well, exercising, paying bills, shopping, all the things we know help us, just find it almost impossible to just do it! I am so ashamed about the inside of my home. I am so hard on myself sometimes, when I see how I am living. I am learning to not be hard on myself.

Starting something. Anything. I commit to doing a small thing. For instance my stove. I did that ..I was so proud of it. It looked great. Alas that too has

I had a lovely night at a neighbours last week. It came with consequences for me. Exhaustion, and a need to not see people for several days.

Similarly when I do spend time chatting on my shopping day. It is an experience which is lovely and lifts me also exhausts me and I come home overstimulated and just need to be quiet. I know what I need to help me and I am not worried about ensuring I can care for myself. I am fortunate in this. I can not imagine how others with CPTSD or PTSD who are working and or have a family cope. I know I may have overdone the socialising aspect in recent days. (We are out of lockdown and allowed so many people in our homes as long as we remain social distancing).

Feeling many mixed emotions knowing that this huge tree will have to come out my partner loved all the trees around our house. It is home to critters, birds, insects, it provides shade. I feel sad and distressed that it will have to be removed. Yet I understand it is a necessity totally. I am thankful for the extra money that I have received from our Government as this may help with the cost of the removal. (I am dreading it will be very expensive.

The other possible reason I am slipping is that it is the 10th anniversary since my darling man died. In a couple of weeks.
Anniversaries are some of the hardest times for grief. The pain is still there my coping abilities are greatly improved and it sometimes feels like yesterday and other times so much longer. I will always have a hole in my life is still there it is smaller but it is still very present.

I have been in the darkness, and have absolutely no desire to go back there.

I find sharing this sort of thing helps me to see more and be aware more of how far I have come, and the insight I have of my own mental illness.

Every person with a mental illness. Every person with the same diagnosed mental illness as I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) must work hard every day every single day sometimes every hour to keep moving forward. I thought I had paused, last week, but this week I can see I am going backwards.
I am working to get my routine back into shape. I can hear some people reading this saying encouraging things buy good food, my worms and compost have been having some great contributions lately.Just get up and go for a walk.
I hear you I really do. You do not know how impossible just that simple thing can be.
I am not at risk, I want to reassure you all of that. My dogs are not at risk they are great if very tired today.

This is not being written for sympathy, this is just the only way I can share what is going on in my life if I have not been there for you, if I have not responded to your posts, to your messages.

Life is up and down for all of us. I understand this. if you have read this all the way to here, thank You. I will move forward again. I am seeing how close I have come to the edge of the black hole.
Even rereading the words I have written here fill me with positivity. As I know I have the management tools and ability to move forward again.

I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food (even if it is not great for me), the extra money I have been receiving from the Government. I am thankful that my rates did not go up hugely, I am thankful for my car. I am thankful my dogs, for you all. I am thankful that I live in Tasmania, that I am warm, and comfortable and have more than I need. I am thankful that I live in this community and have lovely neighbours.

blessings Tazzie

July 19, 2020 13

Frustration, helplessness and mental health. (may be triggering)

Hi everyone it seems to never rain but hail when computer/internet issues occur. My internet account was suspended and now I am dealing with our countries Technology Ombudsmans office and they are dealing with my service provider. I am Back now fingers crossed.

I find off shore call centers really difficult to deal with, this is partly due to my mental illness, (CPTSD) and a feeling of no control at all over a service that I pay for. I have been dealing with my provider for 8 weeks now, and my benefit payment went in two days late which meant I missed paying my provider. (It used to be done by automatic payment each month). Of course you have to add that my provider has you paying two weeks ahead and two weeks behind. (this I really do not understand) It also seems suddenly for know reason my date due to pay has altered.

It is not the date the missed payment went through, as they did not inform me until the next payment was due that it had not been credited to the right invoice? How is that my fault? I paid it to the invoice they sent me demanding payment for.

I then found that I was now 2 months behind according to my internet provider, (this was on the 8th of April) even though the next invoice was not due to be paid until the 12th of April? I had the money and was going to Bpay as they no longer were able to do a direct payment that had been set up. According to the call centre. I said I would be paying this invoice on the 12 when it was due. But no that was not OK. So in the middle of all this I check with my bank as to why the direct payment to my internet provider was not able to continue. My bank said they had no issue in continuing it as I had not authorised it to be stopped from this end.

So if my service provider had just processed the payment it would have all gone through. I rang my service provider and informed them of this. That they could take the money as per normal as the authority was in place.

So I believe that my service provider is taking the money out as normal.

Instead I get messages telling me my service would be suspended from the the 14th if the outstanding money was not paid for the two invoices. This all happened on Monday the 13th of April. Which here is Easter weekend we have a four day holiday Good Friday through to and including Easter Monday.

I tried to explain to the lovely lady on the phone that in Tasmania it is another holiday for the Banks, financial and Government organisations and businesses. So I would not be able to go to my bank UNTIL the Wednesday. I also advised her that for some reason I was not able to get into my toolbox, the access to my account from the service provider. Even though I knew my password and id were correct. She said she would note all of that.

Wednesday morning finds me and the dogs, in town at our bank. I was a little early and they were not open at the time. I tied the dogs up and sat and waited.

The wonderful staff at my community bank, helped me and I decided to pay the two months that I ‘was overdue’ plus the May June payment which would mean I was in fact ahead. Relief.

Dogs and I went for a walk, headed home and found my internet down! WTF!

I spent the next four hours attempting to get someone to understand what had been going on, getting cut off! Being told it would all be OK. When it wasnt. I requested to speak to supervisor and refused! I hung up and tried again, I ended up going to a sales number. Realising that the person in sales during business hours might be an Aussie. It was YEAH!!! I cried. Yes I did.

This wonderful woman heard me as I explained my problem with my account, she was very supportive when I shared with her that all this was impacting my mental illness, and sometimes just dealing with call centres can be triggering to me. She apologised that she could not help me personally and unfortunately there was ‘no one’ in Australia who could? What the heck! She assured me the person she would put me on to would be able to assist me.

What else could I do but trust her. The chap I spoke to was helpful, he listened to me, as I tried to explain. He assured me my internet would be reinstated. He also seemed to understand my not answering any phone calls without numbers or people not leaveing a direct phone number for me to call. I got his details and requested copies of our converstaion, he sent them to me. I had also

It was great I felt like some order was restored, as my internet was back on.

For the next two weeks it was all good.

Then I began to get text messages telling me my service was going to be disconnected for not being paid. I had people ringing me all the time, I did not know the numbers I was not picking up, any messages left were weird noises, or just nothing. I sent emails, advising that all invoices had been paid, that I had actually paid the following month as well. I also included that I could not access my toolbox.

They acknowledge receipt of emails. Two days later I received a response, saying if did not pay the outstanding invoices my account would be disconnected, and to go into my toolbox, and see. That I could also chat to someone whilst in the toolbox! ARRGGH !

I lost it. I sent an email back saying how horrendous this company was, and the fact was proven that no body had actually read my email properly as PART OF MY PROBLEM IS I CANNOT GET INTO MY TOOLBOX!

I keep getting how did we do handling your issue emails, and you most likely can imagine how I replied.
I was also getting several messages a day on my phone telling me my accounts were overdue. My account would be disconnected.

Again the hours trying to get someone to actually understand that I had paid my account. Again the call centre people were varied in abilities, and some just hung up on me, (I was not yelling or swearing), others tried but could not find any invoice paid. I would ask for supervisors, and then be told they would call me back. I answered unknown numbers but the person could not resolve the issue.

This went of for two more weeks! We are now into May. My bank said that the money had gone on the 15/04/2020 to the BPay account (which is my service providers) Sigh…

I tried again with the call centre. It was over an hours wait to get to talk to anyone. I waited. Again I was on the phone, I hung up in frustration when someone said that my account would be disconnected on Friday if the invoices were not paid. Even though I had just told him I paid them on the 15/04 (US 04/15). It was now the 04/05 (US 05/04). I had asked to speak to a supervisor there is no one available! I asked to have one call me, No one did!

The next morning I tried again and spoke with a lovely woman who I said I really just need to speak to a supervisor. She said could she have someone call me. I explained how I waited all afternoon and evening for someone to call me yesterday. She explained that she could not transfer me as they are all working from home. I said oh OK she assured me she would contact someone and they would ring me today.

They did two hours later I received a message on my phone saying …. would be ringing me very shortly. She did. She listened, and tried to see if the invoices had been paid. They still hadn’t. I just burst into tears and hung up.

The next day my internet went off. I could not check emails. I had had enough! I called the Ombudsmans office. The first person I talked to told me it was not an issue for their office? I said it is. No I have to deal with the company first???? He was really helpful and actually seemed to be bullish!. I rang again and got someone else. I said how I had rung before and I was very upset with how I was spoken to and treated. That I was told this was not an issue for this office. The person I spoke to listened to my tale, and said no it is an issue we can look into for You. Relief. I stated that my internet had been disconnected for not paying my bills. She said she would get onto it right away for me.

Sigh I thanked her and than had not expectations. She had also said to me that whilst there was ongoing issues between me and the Obusdmans office was involved I can not be disconnected. Three days later I am back online.

I sank down a lot, during this time. I did not go back wards, and I am proud of myself that I did not get to the trigger point I may have where I was screaming and swearing as in the past. I felt so drained and flat. I was not going to let this get on top of me. Unfortunately my ‘old’ normal responses have rared their ugly heads. I have stayed up too late, (but am working on it again) I have not been eating as well and sugar was high, (condensed milk can not be in this house). I am not proud of the two cans I consumed over four days but it could have been two days. Progress..lol up until yesterday Saturday I had been walking, but have not over these two days. Writing here is my accountability. I have been doing some pottering outside so not just sitting on the lounge, and I did take the dogs for a play with the neighbour across the roads dogs. So I have communicated with someone. Along with leaving the house.

Tonight I made a delicous Korma, rice and salad with greens from my garden. I have eaten sugar only in some fruit. I will be in bed lights out by 22:30.

I am determined to not stay slumped down, I have not gone backwards, I am still moving forward.

I saw that I had had emails from my service provider saying they wanted a copy of my payment, this was from the day my internet went down? The next day they sent me another email saying they were wiping the debt? It was a one off. A sign of their goodwill? (Remember I have paid them)?

I rang the Ombudsman’s office as I was still missing $209.97.

It took a bit of getting the person on the other end of the phone to understand, that by crediting the account as good will, means that they are still saying they have not received my money.

This means my $209.97 has vanished, and I might have internet service but I am out of pocket this amount. She asked me what I wanted, I said originally I just wanted to pay the account which I have done, but now as they have credited my account as goodwill, I want my money back!.

Seems a totally ridiculous situation, and as I said to the woman at the Ombudsman’s office my mental health has suffered a lot over this. I never tried to not pay my bill/s..

Such a ludicrous circus. This is why no company should be allowed to operate within another country without having people working in that country at a level who can actually help. Or the call centres should be able to have someone from financial management ring you when the situation goes on and on. Yet I have no real leg to stand on. I have had my internet off for ten days in the five weeks.

What rights do we the consumer have when using companies that operate outside of our National laws? It is something I am thinking more and more about whilst safe at home. You want Australians to get back to work than make more companies pay for Australians to work for them, so the services we pay for are traceable!

I am thankful for this place to off load. I am thankful for the wonderful world that the internet opens up to me. Being an introvert and someone who may have the potential for agoraphobia if I dont push myself I am so very thankful that this surreal time has seen me get on the whole fitter, healthier, mentally stronger. Thankful to know my rights, thankful to know processes to ensure my rights are taken care of. Thankful for the people who are working from their homes. I am thankful to the lovely helpful and pleasant (generally woman I have to say) in the call centres who do really try to help but the situation is not in their handbooks.
I am thankful for the lovely food I have access to. I am thankful for the clean water I have to drink. I am thankful for the fresh air I breathe. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for the birds, and critters in my garden. I am thankful for the rain that is falling. I am thankful for having wood for my fire. I am thankful that I have no debt, that I am so very very fortunate to own my home outright. I am thankful for You.

blessings to You Tazzie

May 10, 2020 12

Dogs and Isolation.

Off we went for our walk this morning. It was wet but warm and the rain had stopped. Busby and Miss Treacle took off, up the drive to our small country road. Miss Treacle just races out my breath catches every time. Busby is incredible every single time we leave he looks to the right (direction in Australia cars would be heading towards him closest side).

It was muggy and I hate humidity I did not imagine Tasmania would have such humidity as it has in recent times.
Busby had gone and said hi to Chubbs and Toby at their gate across from us. They looked forlornly on as he raced up the road without even looking back.

We had not gone to far further up when we met Ruby and her owner. Do not mistake Ruby for a brown sheep. She is a sweet labradoodle. (her big brother is Basil he is a tenacious elderly pug who can no longer handle big walks).
We left Ruby and her owner and continued up the hill on our walk. Busby saw Toby (yes 2 Tobys, and when my third dog was alive there were 3 tobys on our small rural road). It did not look like Toby would be coming out to play as he sat by the fence. Then the gate was open, and WOWEee , it was playtime.

Miss Treacle was incredibly disappointed when she realised it was not her man but his wife who was with Toby today. She ignored her with disdain. The bros had a ball and stirred up the ducks by running straight towards them, not even really seeing them as they were playing. The ducks took flight.

The warmth and humidity rising and the evaporating water was forming clouds across the river and the clouds thinned. As we walked past Chubbs and Toby were still hopefully waiting by their gate wanting to play. It was not to be so the three of us headed for home.

I had to wheel my bin down to the road where the truck picks it up in the morning. As I was bringing it to the top of my driveway, I was almost flattened by three big dogs coming straight at me, the black ones tail wagging so much it nearly was ahead of his head. The boys had been released. They were thrilled.

Busby, Chubbs and Toby ended up playing ball in the paddock as I talked with their mum, and two teenager neighbours (all social distancing actually much more than the suggested space. The kids were earning their some money by bringing other neighbours bins down. Love their ingenuity. They ride their bikes down hill towing the bins. No fear these guys.

It has been another wonderful day spent in isolation? My routine continues in bed by 22:30 lights out, eating more healthily, walking every day, and showering every second day.

I do have to say, I feel so much better following this routine, I see how I really knew what was best for my own needs and am now working to ensure I follow this as best as I can. If I don’t make it to bed or eat healthy for a day, it is not a a failure in my eyes, it is just normal. I will just pick it up the next day. That is my plan.

I am thankful for the rain. I am so thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for having such great dogs living about us. I am thankful for my neighbours and the greater sense of community we have now. I am thankful for my garden. I am thankful for my warm comfortable bed. My doona, and electric blanket. I am thankful to have a roof over my head. I am thankful to have food and fresh water. I am so thankful for all that I have.

blessings Tazzie

April 30, 2020 8

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