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Reality of Life with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD or PTSD).

I had created a routine, which is really simple way for me to keep moving forward.

It is a simple routine

Walk the dogs everyday. When I am not well I drive the car and the dogs run or walk . The dogs are getting exercised me well not in this manner.

Get in the garden daily do something even if just pulling a weed. I am doing work in the garden. Not as often as I would like to.

Eat well/healthy fresh food. Hmm off the rails. Though I have begun to eat some of my home made frozen meals. I am thankful that I have frozen meals. I tend to make a family meal when cooking often. I then freeze portions left over. Budget friendly and incredibly handy.

In bed light off 22:30. That has really gone out the window. As in last night it was 04.15am. I was up at 10am so not bad. Though my big dog went out for a wee this morning, came back inside, took himself up the stairs back to bed. Fair enough.

Shower every two days. This is still happening.

Change my clothes every two days still happening. I am washing my clothes and not leaving them in the machine. (which is what I used to do when I was not as well as I am even now.)

I also force myself to not just go grocery shopping, to take time have a coffee and have something to eat at least being out of the house, and with a chance to catch up with someone.

I do talk with some neighbours regularly as our dogs play.

Being thankful.

The other thing in improving my mental health is that I know what is triggering me. I have shared all this before. Yet for anyone with a mental illness the necessity to be able to identify your triggers, understand them and how you respond is important. It has been

I know that a conversation with my psychologist where I released that part of the reason my home may be as it is inside and my seemingly inability to DO SOMeTHING about it was related ( (so many people believe that you can just get off the couch and DO IT) ah if only so easy.

As anyone with CPTSD or PTSD understands you can have every intention of doing your washing, cleaning your home, eating well, exercising, paying bills, shopping, all the things we know help us, just find it almost impossible to just do it! I am so ashamed about the inside of my home. I am so hard on myself sometimes, when I see how I am living. I am learning to not be hard on myself.

Starting something. Anything. I commit to doing a small thing. For instance my stove. I did that ..I was so proud of it. It looked great. Alas that too has

I had a lovely night at a neighbours last week. It came with consequences for me. Exhaustion, and a need to not see people for several days.

Similarly when I do spend time chatting on my shopping day. It is an experience which is lovely and lifts me also exhausts me and I come home overstimulated and just need to be quiet. I know what I need to help me and I am not worried about ensuring I can care for myself. I am fortunate in this. I can not imagine how others with CPTSD or PTSD who are working and or have a family cope. I know I may have overdone the socialising aspect in recent days. (We are out of lockdown and allowed so many people in our homes as long as we remain social distancing).

Feeling many mixed emotions knowing that this huge tree will have to come out my partner loved all the trees around our house. It is home to critters, birds, insects, it provides shade. I feel sad and distressed that it will have to be removed. Yet I understand it is a necessity totally. I am thankful for the extra money that I have received from our Government as this may help with the cost of the removal. (I am dreading it will be very expensive.

The other possible reason I am slipping is that it is the 10th anniversary since my darling man died. In a couple of weeks.
Anniversaries are some of the hardest times for grief. The pain is still there my coping abilities are greatly improved and it sometimes feels like yesterday and other times so much longer. I will always have a hole in my life is still there it is smaller but it is still very present.

I have been in the darkness, and have absolutely no desire to go back there.

I find sharing this sort of thing helps me to see more and be aware more of how far I have come, and the insight I have of my own mental illness.

Every person with a mental illness. Every person with the same diagnosed mental illness as I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) must work hard every day every single day sometimes every hour to keep moving forward. I thought I had paused, last week, but this week I can see I am going backwards.
I am working to get my routine back into shape. I can hear some people reading this saying encouraging things buy good food, my worms and compost have been having some great contributions lately.Just get up and go for a walk.
I hear you I really do. You do not know how impossible just that simple thing can be.
I am not at risk, I want to reassure you all of that. My dogs are not at risk they are great if very tired today.

This is not being written for sympathy, this is just the only way I can share what is going on in my life if I have not been there for you, if I have not responded to your posts, to your messages.

Life is up and down for all of us. I understand this. if you have read this all the way to here, thank You. I will move forward again. I am seeing how close I have come to the edge of the black hole.
Even rereading the words I have written here fill me with positivity. As I know I have the management tools and ability to move forward again.

I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food (even if it is not great for me), the extra money I have been receiving from the Government. I am thankful that my rates did not go up hugely, I am thankful for my car. I am thankful my dogs, for you all. I am thankful that I live in Tasmania, that I am warm, and comfortable and have more than I need. I am thankful that I live in this community and have lovely neighbours.

blessings Tazzie

13 thoughts on “Reality of Life with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD or PTSD).

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  1. I am sorry to hear things are not going as well as you’d like, but here I am, it’s 5.30pm and I am still sitting in my PJs and have just cleaned my teeth. I forgot about lunch as I was reading emails.

    I keep vowing to get up earlier and get dressed earlier, but then get distracted and time flies out the window so I totally know how hard it is to follow through with good intentions.

    It’s actually quite hard for healthy people to break habits, let alone those with a mental illness. Just admitting you have a mental illness is not easy. There’s so much stigma associated with mental issues and that’s so wrong.

    If you are in a wheelchair or have cancer or are blind, in general, the community understands most of the difficulties encountered in any day, but an invisible chronic illness of any kind is very hard for healthy folk to understand (or even just listen to).

    Can you pinpoint exactly what’s made you slide backwards…..even this little bit?

    Secondly, healing takes many forms and should be ‘adjusted’ as time goes on. Is there any chance that the goals you started aiming for need to be adjusted? Remember its winter. Surely tasks may be slightly different to summer tasks or goals. It’s cold outdoors and perhaps garden tasks need to be slightly less that spring or summer?

    Loss of a loved one, be it one year or 10 years is still Loss. There must be times, especially living on your own, when a small thing will trigger a memory which will make you sad. I suppose the important thing is not to let that sadness swamp your day and become all-consuming. Allow that sadness into your heart for a while and spend time with it and then, find something else to do or think about.

    Especially as this 10 year anniversary to your partner’s passing is approaching. Try to remember the good times with a smile on your face.. Think back on the love you shared.

    Perhaps, try to think of, not loss, but the other side of the equation – what you had/shared. Do the garden and household chores not for yourself, but for your absent partner.

    Thinking of you and wishing you better times. Vicki x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Vicki thank You so much yes to all these words and thoughts. I am improving. For some reason just writing what is happening lifts me. I write how I think as in just what I am thinking as I write? How sad it is for Victoria and especially Melbourne back in the lock down phase. I know you take exceptional care of Yourself. Ah sitting in Pjays not eating..teeth cleaned. I’ve been there even earlier than

      Winter is actually the time I need to do a lot of things in preparation for spring and summer in the garden. I have been out in the garden since writing this post. As usual it always makes me feel better. I set myself an area or number of carts of wood chips to move. I complete that either weeding, preparing beds or fruit trees and my new pathways. Yesterday I laid down the cardboard for an area of pathway. it rained overnight which is perfect as it means the cardboard is in place and then I lay cms of wood chips on top. I guestimated I would need 5 load today. I go to my wood chip pile and hand load (using a shovel is harder in my mind than bending over and scraping the chips into the cart. I then finish it by tossing handfuls of wood chips in. I did the 5 loads and I feel good. I worked up a sweat, I used my arms legs and core bending and loading pulling and lifting. A full work out.

      It is funny with regard to missing my partner. I am not sad per se, more just lost for a while. We had such a great relationship not perfect but very happy and content. I have been a bit discontented in the last few weeks and am working through it. I have accepted the physical not being here a long time ago, I feel for me it is more the wave length connection. We were attuned to each other and we could share everything. Our conversations were interesting (at least to us). I do miss his touch. Just the day to day things, that you are so unaware of doing as a couple. I am not grieving or longing, it is just that hard to describe hole. Hindsight is always interesting. I do wish I had asked him so much more about the house and its maintenance. lol. I am learning to love the house now. very very slowly. As I create outside, to my desires, not adding his thoughts necessarily to the equation. I do feel this is the very thing that has been a huge issue in regard to the inside of the house. Knowing how he liked the house and sort of feeling as if I was as I said to the psychologist desecrating his memory/likes/home. I am working through this and I do feel this was the trigger for this slide back. So right now I too am focused on being kind to myself, not getting weighed down with negatives. I am good and returning to forward motion. I do appreciate you. TazzieX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you are doing a great job

    You have a plan and take action

    It is not perfect but if we do not judge our performance then all we can do is our best

    Anniversaries are difficult

    That’s a fact

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I try to not compare my life with others.

        You have done an incredible job and faced enormous fear

        You take action

        I do the best I can, then try to leave it alone

        For the most part I put my energy into doing something rather than judge myself

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Having a routine is great and you are very wise to celebrate and be proud of every thing you manage to get done. It’s so hard. I have c-ptsd and work and have a son and I can tell you how I cope – not well but good enough. I cry, I freak out, I have bad days but then I also get stuff done.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that your article has been mentioned here:

    Routines are so healthy, especially for people dealing with turbulent emotions. Even if you can’t stay 100% consistent, setting small goals is such a great idea.

    I think that reading this could really help people who are deeply struggling. It can show them that they aren’t alone. The tips could also really help someone who needs it.

    I hope your life gets easier and that you keep having lots of things to be grateful for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jenna oh thank You. I believe in sharing honestly my own experience to show for those of us who are living with mental illness what we are really dealing with and how it is hard work to manage. I appreciate it. My life is pretty good now and I have wonderful psychologist which is really important.
      It is a long way from a few years ago.


      1. I began writing for myself really as it is therapeutic for me. The fact other people read it sort of surprised me, I worked as a Registered Nurse and Mental Health Nurse. I was good in both areas my passion was mental health. I would be a much better Mental Health nurse now. I no longer am able to work and for me that if anyone can gain something from my own experience, of my life now. That is a gift to me.


      2. In a way, you’ve found a new way to helping people. By sorting out your thoughts and sharing what you’ve learned, you’re offering comfort and perhaps a little wisdom to people going through the same thing. It might be a subtler way to make a difference, but it’s still making a difference. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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