Allowing Miss Treacle a natural death.

This is a full and very descriptive documentation of ALL that is happening in real time as my beautiful Miss Treacle dying.

Its a very hard day here in my home today..and for the last couple.
My beautiful Schnauzer/Maltese is dying. She is over 15 and chose me to live with 13 years ago. She came into our life, (our being my gorgeous Smithfield dog Toby and Burmese cat Murphy) it was a really hard time when she chose us. My partner had died two months before and I was returning to work. Toby had never been on his own for more than five hours and I knew it would be really difficult for him when I returned to night duty and 10 hour shifts plus an hour drive each way.

My choice was for Toby and I to go to an animal rescue in my area, and at the time the owner had taken 30 dogs from a hoarding situation. Dogs of all sizes. When we arrived a stream of dogs came towards us, and sort of said hello sniffed but every single dog did not hang about. Yet back on the porch of the home there was this little bedraggled almost dreadlocks haired wee dog. Who began to come over to us. This black and white little dog came straight up to me, put its paws up on my knee and looked up at me. I picked it up and it just snuggled into my neck and basically hugged into me.
A little dog…not a REAL dog..not the idea of a dog I was wanting to adopt. What was I too do..I knew the owner who had thought this dog a female, named Treacle would be perfect for me knowing my situation. I had met her in town a few days before going and she had said to me she had a dog she thought would be perfect for me. Turned out it was Treacle!

I said to the owner a friend back then I will take her for the weekend but if its not right I will bring her back! Well she came home and she Toby and even Murphy all connected and as the first day drew to a close and bed called. She came up with us all and climbed on the bed laid right near my head.
Than night like all the nights I cried with grief and missing my partner. This night the tears and crying were sobs. I soon heard a new sound mixing with my sobbing. This wee dog was howling with me. She was crying with me? She also was snuggling in and licked my tears..now that will make some go YUK…me nope. Of course she never left.

Now the time is obviously her time to leave us to die. I am not religious but I believe there is more to everything than we will ever know at this time in our lives. As an RN I have been privileged to be present at many people’s dying and of course cared for my partner as he died at home from cancer. Surrounded by his daughters, me Toby and Murphy.
I know she is dying. I was not expecting it. Funny isn’t it. She has been going on walks visits to neighbours eating drinking all her normal life. Hugs with me and growling and pissed off at the new pup in our lives for the last 3 months whom she accepts but is not overly interested in.

Over the weekend (its Monday afternoon here in Australia 9th September 2023. She stopped eating food on Saturday morning, I could not tempt here with anything, not her faviourites liver, chicken mince, or sardines. Nothing has been eaten since. She stopped drinking yesterday.

She has been on CBD oil for the last three weeks, as her hind legs have been getting wonkier, and a serious decline in her cognition. It was superb she perked up the second day on it, and seemed to be more interested in life. She was joining Busby, and Sawyer our new family member and me under the wattle trees in the mornings. She would come out and I would pick her up, we would sit and have cuddles as the two boys play and roughhoused with each other. I knew she was getting older and time was passing way too quickly. I was monitoring her needs constantly and having tried several pain medications (I know she has pain as she has arthritis in her rear legs and nerve damage, along with her front knee joints.) So I found CBD oil.
I gave her some yesterday Sunday, and that is the only liquid she has had. Sadly shortly after she vomited bile, so doubtful if the CBD oil was absorbed. She will not take syringed water and in humans as death approaches giving water in IV’s is actually considered counteractive. The body of all mammals stops taking food and fluids in as death approaches which is extremely hard for those of us there with the person/animal who loves them, struggles with, even me as a RN.

I can not afford to have her euthanised, as I am on a Disability pension,paid fortnightly (due this Wednesday) and not expecting her to die this week, and every fucking vet wants you to pay on the day!! Even those who come to your home!
I was also not sure I wanted to have her euthanised. Let me tell you at times I bloody well do when she is coughing up phlegm filled with bubbles (meaning her lungs are potentially filling with fluid), her urine and poop is blood stained. She jumps off the lounge it seems every time I need a wee, and needs the toilet. She is still moving in her wonky, wobbly manner but at times can not make it outside, even when I carry her she has accidentally urinated on me as I carried her down the stairs. So now lots of towels, and one of the best things I have on hand human grade absorbent padded soft liners, reusable, used in age care for incontinence. They are called Kylies here in Australia. So thankful the Laundromat has a big load washing machine for pets.

The volume of urine and poop is minimal now as she is no longer eating or drinking for over 36 hours. She sleeps/rests or looks vaguely at nothing for hours but will move about on the sofa, where the sun through clouds is a lovely warm spot. Her breathing at times is rapid, and a bit laboured and it is often wheezy, or whistly, pretty normal with dying. Oh I forgot to mention about 7 months ago the vet noted she had a heart mummer. Which we did nothing about as she was running and active, going on a uphill and down hill walk/ run every day. Not lengthy but intense. So her heart is potentially failing her. Congestive heart failure. Though at her most recent visit to the vets a month ago nothing new was noted. So all this has happened quite fast but as she is 15 it is all part of her life and death.

So why am I happy I don’t have the money to have her euthanised, even though I spent time earlier today seeing if our own vets would allow me to pay them on Wednesday instead of on the day..Full payment which I have always paid every time we have been to them which has been two puppy vaccinations, two adult dog vaccinations and checkups, plus script for CBD oil ($55 for a script to be written and emailed)?? BUT they would not consider helping my dying dog without me having to take up and fill in paperwork for a payment plan if I had taken her to them to have her euthanised today!!

So that is part of the reason, the other part is She is settled, she is resting majority of the time, her brothers and I are with her. The most interesting thing has been in regard to my other two dogs, Busby 8 who was raised by Miss Treacle and me from 4 weeks old (with 2 of his siblings) and Sawyer who is 41/2months old have been incredible. Sawyer is a puppy and he is so incredible he has played with Busby once today outside, but overnight with quite a few up and downs for Miss Treacle which he came out with us and kept an eye on her, as did I and today he has been so settled, Resting playing incredibly quietly with his toys and getting cuddles from me, sniffing and licking Miss Treacle’s paws and face..very very gently.

Busby has been near her earlier in the morning when I was holding her on my lap on the lounge and he was laying on my legs, and looking at her with a furrow on his brow. I mean we are all super tired, add to this I got a head cold yesterday, and very disturbed sleep last night partly my crying and letting Miss Treacle know what a wonderful companion she is and how it is OK for her to go. She woke serveral times to cough up bile/phelgm, Plus the five times to toilet her. She manged each time to jump off the bed and begin to walk to the stairs, once going down, but so scary to watch her I carried her every other time. She is doing her best to be continent, and I imagine the fact that she is now having accidents on the floor may be upsetting for her. I do carry her out if I see she needs to go, but as I wrote before she gets off the lounge when I go to the loo, or get her brothers food. I hear her thump onto the floor..as she is wonky on her legs. That is hard for me, so very hard..her sweet determination to not soil inside.

Of course this would all be done with If I had her euthanised, but in the same process, her brothers would not have seen this process, (Busby experienced his older brother’s sudden death when I was not home, looked like Toby had died in his sleep, maybe an aneurysm), I came home from a lunch with friends and he had died on his bed looking very at peace but when I moved him some drops of blodd came out of his nose)
So Busby is caring for Sawyer by going out side with him and playing or to the toilet and coming back in relatively quickly compared to normal. Then just quite and lying down. They know, and when she dies they will be able to see her and smell her if they chose.
I recall when Toby died and I was burying in him in my garden, He was a biggish doe 23Kg/50lbs, it was hard ground and I had not dug it quite big enough. Both Miss Treacle and Busby were out with me, and when I put Toby’s body next to where I dug, I realised and dug deeper and wider. As I covered his body both dogs sniffed and came over walked about and over it, and looked at me as if to say Nah not deep enough.. so I kept digging, and amazingly when I eventually finished (all on my own) they both checked again , and both just lay on the dirt under which their buddy’s body was buried. They both grieved for about a fortnight, not wanting to go out much and quite happy just to go with me to the grocery shop and home.

So I personally know at least my dogs grieve and are very aware of when one of the family is dying.
It was interesting when my partner was dying at home, sitting upright on the lounge/sofa our cat who adored him, did not come near him, Toby our dog was beside him the whole time head on his knee, not up on the lounge where he would normally be. As if he knew he was in pain. After my partner died, and his spirit had gone, the empty vessel now cold that house his spirit was lying on the lounge, and it was hard and freezing cold the body, Murphy the cat came and laid down on my partner’s body sleeping their for several hours.

Writing this is so cathartic for me, as I live alone, and friends, do they really want to know what is happening in regard to your beloved dogs slow dying.. I mean do you? So I write here for me. Totally and selfishly for me. Writing and I have missed writing my blog is totally for me, and if it helps anyone in any way, that is terrific. I just know I was looking for something searching online search engines, for when! HOW LONG will it be. The answer is as long as it is!

I have had a pet euthanised previously and perhaps this has also swayed my choice in this instance. When our German Shepherd was euthanised it was horrendous, the dose given did not do what it should have, and he became agitated and aggressive and bewildered at what was going on. My partner was in tears, and I had to be stoic as one of us had to drive home with Rex’s body in the boot of our hatch back. We relived the whole debarkle and all the what ifs. We blamed ourselves, and then each went into our separate withdrawals. On arriving home it’s the middle of winter, dark, wet and cold, my partner vanished and after some time, I brought myself out of my own grief and distress went in search of him. He was in an area of our garden and had been digging a hole, he had somehow managed to get Rex’s dead weight body out of the car and down here by himself. He told me to leave him alone. I offered him a warm cuppa and he said later. I lost track of time, but was surprised to hear the band saw going in the workshop. I decided to ignore it for now. As my partner was tending to his own grief, and feelings as he needed, me mine.
He did come inside a couple of hours later, and no words were said. We both went to bed and we hugged and I certainly cried for us both but for Rex most. I slept in the next day and on getting up was surprised to not see my partner having his cuppa and pipe.
He must have seen me through a window and came and asked me to come out side. He led me down the garden path under the wattles, and into the paddock area. To the side I noted a massive cross, a pile of dirt with stones around it, and on the cross whittled in was REX. This is what my darling man had been doing and his way of dealing with his needs over what had happened. I looked at him with eyes filled with tears and a small grin on my face. No words… This brand new cross stood about 1m/3.2f high and slightly smaller cross beam. It could be seen from the road. Many comments made by neigbours about did I murder him, or who did we bury there. Woah that went off on a tangent.

I guess it was about choices and euthanasia not always being the wonderful way of letting our pets die. I can not help myself but look at Miss Treacle right now. And she has recently just jumped off the lounge skidded on her chest and done a small loose gelatinous with a drop of blood brown gloopy poop on the timber floor. After putting her back on the lounge, ensuring she was clean and cleaning the poop, she is lying gently steadily breathing eyes closed. All the world to me asleep and comfortable. She only appears uncomfortable when her bodily needs, need to be met.
We had only all gone outside for a toilet break about five minutes before but she did not seem to want to go. Instead Miss Treacle began to steer her way wonky and wobbly but determinedly to where she had been going for the last week or so under the house, in the beginning she went under there and came back inside, last thing at night, you know for her final wee. For the week before this weekend she had been going under there and not returning. I would go out and encourage her to come out, the final two nights Thursday Friday night she was in so far I struggled to reach her to get her out. I did manage and I realised she was choosing to do this to be alone. I researched this and some dogs like cats, and other animals will seek solitdue hidden out of sight away from family and other animals. To die here, researchers believe it is a trait back to wild animals doing this, so the pack is not at risk from the predators who will hunt/kill/eat potentially the dying dead animal. I did not allow her to go under the house Saturday or Sunday nights, and yes she went out for her last night wee, independently with me supervising..and her brothers about. I did carry her back inside and up the stairs to bed.

This broke my heart imagining my wee girl who is my soul and the most incredible dog to enter my life at the precise time she did. She was like my leveler, (I have ADHD and impulsiveness can be an issue, along with reactionary..so swearing and screaming at other drivers..she would put her paw on my arm and try to get me to make eye contact with her, or press her body into mine when I was getting anxious/agitated. She helped me get through my suicidal times when I was deeply depressed and diagnosed with CPTSD, when I had my breakdown she was with me right next to me as often as she could be.
Busby was so young but now he is so aware of me and worries about me. He is also concerned for Miss Treacle. But is generally giving her the space she is needing. He is exhausted too but he is keeping an eye on Sawyer and he is such an amazing big brother, today he has been incredbile in keeping Sawyer form being over the top..he murmmer growls type noises a bit like purring. It is the most endearing beautiful noise and its to get Sawyer to settle.

I was holding her a lot, as it was giving me some comfort, and I don’t know sort of felt is was helping her, knowing I was right here, yet once I placed her on the couch in her own space snug and comfortable from my perspective, she was more settled and relaxed. So as much as I want to hold her constantly I realise this is her need to be in her own space. Even allowing her to try and get up and off the couch is important, even when it goes with a slide or thump. She has some form of independence still and I know from caring for my partner in his dying days allowing him to do what ever he wanted or at least to support and let him try was incredibly important, even when it may not have gone as expected or hoped by him.

It is 20:45 and Miss Treacle is very slowly dying. She has not go up off the lounge for 4 hours now and has been settled but is having spasms where her all four legs will stretch out, apparently not unusual as her body organs wind down. Her breathing is at times shallow and with a rasp sound which is similar to what happens for humans towards the end. She is not responsive any more as in I reposition her and she does not move her head is no longer lifting up nor is she throwing up or trying to go outside.

It is getting late and my other dogs and I are ready for bed its been a very hard emotional night and day. I carry my wee girl up stairs whilst her brothers are outside for final wees, I put her in her bed and hope I have made her comfortable death is definitely not too far away.

I go back down stairs and the boys come up, interestingly they are not as rambunctious as they get onto the bed as usual. Busby comes close to Miss Treacles bed smells her and lies down a little away from her not quite in his usual place. Sawyer comes up and slowly sniffs her face and licks her. He is very very gentle.
I make a hard decision I have a head cold that is causing me to have labrynthitis (where my eyes spin and my balance is kaputt. ) I take a anti histamine which acts on me as a sleeping tablet and my hope is I can breathe easily. I know that Miss Treacle will have died by the morning. I know that I will be off no help or comfort too her. I do pet her and gently cuddle her letting her again know how much I love her and how wonderful she is and how much I appreciate that she chose us to live with. As I go to sleep my hand just touching her paw I am aware that her paw is cooling, another sign her death is imminent. I allow myself to accept this.

I was woken by Sawyer who needed to go to the toilet. Dawn was arriving and as yet the birds had not begun to sing. I got up and as I did I knew Miss Treacle was dead. At this moment I just kept rising to take my puppy for his urgent wee.
We came back to bed I did check Miss Treacle she indeed was dead. She was, and with a tear in my eye I went back to sleep settling Sawyer .

A couple of hours later I was woken by Sawyer again, he was ready for the day, he was sniffing and pushing his nose into where Miss Treacle’s body lay. Busby was awake and stretching which distracted Sawyer and allowed me to assess her body. This was to see how I could carry it down stairs. As I did Busby’s curiosity saw him come over and once he saw/smelt Treacle’s body he jumped off the bed. This was not his first experience at one of his buddies dying. Last time he and Miss Treacle were alone when Toby died unexpectedly so perhaps this experience was traumatic.
We got up and I lifted my dear Treacle up into my arms. Her body released the last fluids as I moved her and the smell was not good. I put the body on the lounge wrapped in a blanket she had as a covering in her bed. I knew that I could not leave the body there or as it was because it was distressing and malodorous and the sunshine was coming in. I had to place her body into a garbage bag as it was the only way to stop the odour and leave her body outside while I tended to the boys needs.

I chose a place to bury her. I was thankful that the soil was soft and the clay underneath had a lot of moisture in it which made the digging easier. It was hard emotionally but also because I was unwell and my labrynthitis was making me light headed and feel like I was about to fall over. I place the body in the hole and Busby went over to see what I was doing and he looked smelt and again left, Sawyer on the other hand tried to help me dig the hole and sniffed the body, walked over it and again tried to help covering her body. It is always never big enough the hole, and I did have to make a small adjustment.

I intend to plant some flowers on it.

I am of course sad and am grieving, as Busby seems to be. I am also relieved that Miss Treacle died as she chose, and with us in her home and bed. She always was strong and sometimes seemed to be wiser than me. As she began to decline it was at times difficult as a solo person to do activities that suited all my dogs together though she did all we did together even a trip to the beach two weeks ago, and her final very slow walk down the road from our neighbours on Friday. I know she had a wonderful home and life, she was healthy and fit all the way until she died..if that makes sense.
I am OK because her presence in my life in my darkest days where CPTSD took me to the darkest places and I am only still alive because she and my other animals needed me. I am so So thankful that I am alive today, even with it being a sad day. I have learnt to express my emotions to myself and others. I own them, accept them and move through them today, yes at times still binging (less than ever in volume and how often) which makes me happy, this is because I sought help, and have a psychologist who has helped me to learn how to do these things, as we discover the whys I do and react as I do.
I am so happy that this little black dog chose me to be her forever family, and that she had a long and happy life.
I also appreciate if you read all my words, written mainly for me as I said. As a person who also has ADHD for me being able to totally be with all my dogs 100% during this time was so beneficial. I know this is NOT normal or possible for most people who work, have children, and commitments. I treasure that I being on a disability pension was able to spend all the time and with ADHD perhaps hyperfixated.

The following two photos are taken 5 days apart, one of our last big outings in the car and Miss Treacle had a walk around the foreshore. The second photo taken Monday morning is her asleep on my lap her two brothers checking on her it was not staged, I was just fortunate to capture this moment. The last photo of my three dogs together.

October 10, 2023 3

Good Morning

Opened my front door this morning to let the dogs out.

Seems we all like to have gourmet breakfasts every so often

Sensibly watching my dogs, who are actually not interested in the Wallaby. I also am obviously outside with them and keeping a close on eye on all animals. Even when the wallaby jumped off and away, neither Busby or Miss Treacle were interested.

Though Busby is going to check out the bales of pea straw thoroughl!

Looks like I will need to move these now wet pea straw bales I purchased for the garden out of the wallabies reach. Another of those jobs I was meaning to do. The chooks have loved scratching through some bales too.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

July 8, 2022 5

Stranger at the door.

This morning I was awake early for a Saturday morning. I lay in bed watching the sunrise, and listening my two cockerels crowing. My dogs and I are sleeping on my mattress down stairs(Bubsy was not allowed to go up stairs when he had his cruciate ligament operation). He has recovered but it is cooler down stairs and I have hope I will get my bedroom painted, before the cold weather arrives.

So the three of us were on the mattress, Ms Treacle and Busby asleep; I noticed movement on the stairs on my deck and saw a small wallaby. A incredible way to begin a morning.

*Good Morning what are you doing in there?*

I was meeting up with someone who was giving me a mother for making Kombucha,it was a transaction to be carried out in the car park of a business in Cygnet. After my morning wake up visitor, I headed to the shower. Then the dogs went for a run. Loaded them up into the car and we headed into Cygnet.
As I was driving a grey Goshawk(which is actually white) flew up off the edge of the road, and flew in front of my car. Sadly I did not have my mobile or camera to hand. Yet sometimes the lived experience memory far outweighs the image. I can still see the bird quite a large one flying up. I imagine it’s breakfast was laying in the long grass alongside the road.
I could not help but appreciate how incredibly lucky I was.

On arrival into the small village near where I live, I saw several other folk who were ‘loitering’ at 9am on a very quiet Saturday morning in Cygnet. A vehicle pulled in and jars were handed out. We thanked the wonderful woman who was sharing her mother with us. Off we went onto our day. As I had not eaten or had a coffee at home, along with it being a truly stunning Autumn morning, I chose to have breakfast at one of the wonderful cafes in our village.

*Hardly a car or person in Cygnet. 9am on Saturday morning of a long weekend.*

One of the many businesses lots of local artists and creative work sold here.

It was a short walk to the cafe. We arrived and were the first outdoor customers. The Port Hole Cafe uses locally grown vegetables and all deserts are gluten free. Cater for vegans too. They do serve meat meals. Wonderful coffee and is a lovely out door area, with herbs and flowers growing around the perimeter.
As I sat waiting for my order, other people began to arrive for breakfast. Many bringing their dogs. Most eating places in town with out door areas are dog friendly. Huon Valley is a wonderful dog friendly community.

You are supposed to have your dogs on lead in all public areas (unless other wise noted) Miss Treacle was sitting under our table in the shade. I was thrilled to meet up with two wonderful women and as the cafe began to fill enjoyed a couple of hours catching up and sharing with the ladies, meeting and greeting for my dogs, and saying hi to many people I knew. The cafe was filling up fast. I discovered it was Regatta Day and the local sailing club were conducting a race from another bay further around (quite a way ) called Kettering. This is where you catch the ferry across to the wonderful Bruny Island. The sailing club was racing from there back to Cygnet. A lot of other activities were happening. I had intended to drive down and take some photographs, alas I was running close to another meet up I had this morning. We all said our see you’s and my dogs and I went for a walk up the road and back to the car. I had to do some grocery shopping, and did this quickly. We headed home.

I had surprised myself two days before I had offered some rose hips to some one on the local crop swap Facebook page. She no longer needed them another person did. Without thinking I invited her to my place to pick as many as she liked. WOAHH no anxiety, no what if, and today no regret. I was so amazed that I did not cancel, or have somatic reactions to knowing a person I had met only a couple of times in the community was coming to my place. MY PLACE.
No one has been to my home in so long even in the garden. Especially someone I did not know very well. Yet I felt no anxiousness, of feeling of wanting to cancel of flee. It seemed strange that not one iota was present.
When the woman arrived We walked around the outside of my home, (which is not neat and tidy or beautiful to share with others), as a hoarder working to resolve this, a lot of things are waiting to be dealt with and things that I have managed to move out of the house in the last two plus weeks are waiting for a friend who has offered to help me take stuff to the tip. Two things in this paragraph seem so extraordinary to me.
Someone came to my home no anxiety, I have moved stuff to get rid of out of the house.! Only someone who is a hoarder, loves a hoarder, or is wondering if they still wish to be with the hoarder or is fed up and wants to help the hoarder get rid of the hoard.
How is this possible? As someone who has been diagnosed with CPTSD, my hoarding became another symptom of my mental illness. By having things in such a situation and way for me, (and each person who is a hoarder is dealing with their own issues and recovering is a very individual experience). You can not MAKE a hoarder change, You can not get rid of the Hoarders ‘hoard or rush the individual. As frustrating as that seems, we are fragile. The hoard whilst not necessarily valuable or as in my case in the best of condition or even seemingly rational to other people, even those closest to the person who is hoarding. For me cardboard and newspapers were a huge thing, my carport is full of cardboard boxes. They are for my garden but when they were coming into the house and taking up space and growing, that was a huge problem. I managed to get them outside and for me, now, I know I will be using them for the garden over the next few months Autumn and Winter. My visitor saw all this, she saw the two arm chairs outside and other items making my drive area what it is. I felt ok with that.
There are two boxes in my living room at the moment and they are being filled with smaller bits and pieces that need to be moved outside to be taken to the tip

I am so happy so incredibly happy I have been saying for months to my previous GP, that I was feeling like my starter motor would not turn over. This GP disagreed saying I was not motivated. I was flawed by this insensitive comment. I responded to her, I have managed to have a shower, get in my car and drive 70km/ 44miles one way to this appointment. I am motivated. I want to get into my home…I cant’.

I left this GPs office and was fortunate that at this moment the GPs closest to me was taking new patients. It was meant to be.

If you have not read previous posts in regard to my accidental cold turkey coming off Desvenalfaxine (Pristiq), one month ago today. I do not recommend it, I have been incredibly fortunate with my withdrawal process. You really need to do it with support and being taken off it slowly.
I am still experiencing odd symptoms of withdrawal.

The importance of having someone I don’t really know come to my home and see how it really is was horrifying to me, the hoard meant no one came to visit, it kept /keeps me safe and no one comes into my home, or garden. Yet today they did, and it was wonderful. Not to feel anxious but to enjoy sharing about her garden and small business (she and her hubby grow organic veggies and salad mix sell it to the cafe I had breakfast at and other places). I shared with her that I was a hoarder and working towards recovery, a very slow process. That was all that was shared about it. we just chatted as she picked the rose hips. In exchange I received three organic eggplants/aubergines. I have not regretted even now as evening approaches her coming here. I have not felt sick in my stomach. I have felt thankful that my starter motor is kicking over.
I am glad I did not believe or agree with what my previous GP thought. For me after several years on the medication that saved my life and I am eternally grateful for it. I am through a lot of hard work and emotional distress anguish thanks to my wonderful Psychologist who has ensured that I remain on her books even when I could not afford to pay for her services(she bulked billed for me); has seen me able to have the same psychologist (as a low income earner for three + years). Prior to this I would see one for so many weeks there contract would not be renewed another would come along and I would have to start again with them, this actually I really believe made my mental health worse.

I understand not many are as fortunate as I have been in this situation. I also know it is very early days in my medication free life of a person with a diagnosed mental illness. I am just trying to eat as well as I can; which as a hoarder this is not always easy, and I not always brilliant at it. My kitchen is pretty much at the moment a state of disarray, and whilst I can prepare some things; I have been working on the kitchen. I have a floor space that has basically nothing covering it piled up a couple of inches. It is floor boards I am walking on. Things so many things have been thrown out that had been on the floor and well might be able to be saved/fixed..nope my mind now is I have been walking on this shit for a long time, (fluctuated over the course of time ).

Today started out so beautifully and as the sun sets here in southern Tasmania at 19:32 the days are drawing in, it is a clear sky and it will be a crisp night. I Love Autumn/fall. I will be going to sleep with a sense of peace. Amazing. It is so hard to explain when nearly every thing about your life when exposed to others can be so triggering and to not have that experience at all today or now made the beautiful start go all day and I feel my dreams will be peaceful.

I am thankful that there are people clever enough to work on medications that can help people such as myself get through the roughest patches. I am thankful that I am strong enough now to listen to my own voice about my mental health. I am thankful for the fact the withdrawal symptoms are lessening. I am thankful that I have a new GP who has really taken the time in the three appointments each over 40minutes bulk billed(health care card holder) to get to know me, what I have been dealing with and where and what is happening for me now. She also has spoken with my psychologist (with me permission very happily given ) and is now comfortable with where I am at to follow up in a month. (to begin with and it must be hard to meet someone first time who is coming off antidepressant cold turkey and tells you that is how it will continue. ). She was somehow concerned I may be suicidal (no matter how much I reassured her I was not. I was seeing her weekly.. for three weeks. So I did have her support for the last three weeks coming off the antidepressants. I am so fortunate and so very thankful.

my soul and heart ache for all people who are going through horrendous conflict /war situations, those who are loosing their jobs and now must survive in Russia with prices rising rapidly. Those who are defending their countries/communities in all conflicts around the world. For those who are griveing for all they have lost family friends livelihoods, pets, homes, everything. There are no words none. It does not help you I understand. I really can not do anything to help but donate money and hope it gets to organisations that will ensure all or the majority of it gets to those who need it!.

I know I am rich beyond words. I know I live in an incredibly safe place, and Have more than I need.
may you all be safe, Tazzie

March 12, 2022 3

Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 24, 2022 2

Simple things

One of the ways I can tell when I may not be doing as well as I have been in regard to my mental illness CPTSD is how I become more sensitive and fixated on one particular aspect in a day. Usually to do with an issue I am struggling with or of that wonderful and terrible thing called Facebook. The beauty of where I am today is that I can pick up the signs pretty early on that this is happening. I will then be able to redirect my focus firstly by acknowledging what is happening, then finding something I enjoy. So as this was happening recently and strangely I had been doing a lot of positive things for my mental health it still creeps up on me.

The weather in Spring in Tasmania can be challenging. We have had the wettest Spring for 50 years. Last week we had a couple of days of 23dC(73df) then the temperature dropped to 7dc(44.6dF) wet and windy. I was warm at home with my wood fire going. A lovely cosy day. I spent to much time on the computer though. So when I woke up the next morning I decided to head into Cygnet for brunch. My battery of the car was flat, (somehow my internal light was left on) I have a charger, and started it up. The dogs and I went in spent time with friends ate, and then I went for a drive to recharge my battery fully.

It was a lovely afternoon.

You could be mistaken for believing that the photo below is from the Swiss Alps; it is Hartz Mountains in Southern Tasmania taken on the 30/10/21 Springtime. Yes I did feel an urge to sing The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music.

A drive through Pelverata is quite beautiful

Pelverata Road Slippery Falls Only visible when a lot of rain

Battery fully charged, having had a couple of walks with the dogs through the bush. We were all content and I was certainly in a much better place. I may find being with people draining at times, it had been delightful to spend time in the morning with friends. Then to switch off my brains fixation status, and recharge by being out in the world of nature. Smelling the forest and fresh air, hearing the water in the full rivers and even the wee waterfalls at the side of the road created by the heavy and consitent rain we continue to have. I am so blessed by Godess to live where I do. To be able to get in my car and see such beauty.

Life in Tasmania can be challenging for those who first move her. No season is totally what it should be. You carry in your car layers just in case. As the population changes and house prices go though the roof where I live I do fear for so much of our areas as people subdivide land and farmland for the ever growing numbers of people who desire all that I am privileged to have. Yet at the same time excluding our younger generations who are struggling to even afford the rents if they can actually find a rental.

Oops I am off on a tangent Again I am thankful that I am so fortunate and I am especially fortunate to know it, and to feel I am rich beyond belief. (not in a monetary sense.

my hope is You will be content in your lives and if you are struggling reach out. It can be hard, but learning to manage our illnesses emotions reactions is freeing and empowering.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

October 31, 2021 2

A lovely day to have a panic attack.

How are you? Me? I am plodding along. Its Thursday evening here 18:46 the sky is filled with grey clouds. The sailing club is out racing and the hills along the river are so green and water filled that it is beyond belief that they can possibly hold anymore water. Yet we are forecast more very wet weather here in my valley. It has been amazing in the spring garden and the bulbs and fruit trees have blossomed so vibrantly. We seem to be having three-four days of very heavy rain and colder temperatures and tomorrow and Saturday are forecast to be single digit (Celcius) maximums. So I have just put some dry (as in not wet) but very dry (as in not green) wood ready to if need by light the fire in the morning. Snow forecast down to 600m(1967f) tomorrow in some areas too. Up to 40mm (1.6 inches) rain forecast in my valley.
The preceding days were gorgeous, blue skies, still and hot. Lovely. I was working in the garden removing black berries roots and vines that were bursting into tendrils wrapping themselves about the chook runs fence and about one of my hazelnut bushes. Makes for very risky picking. Chuckle.
Have you ever tried to dig out blackberry roots by hand? Oh my did my shoulder neck arms hands and fingers ache last night. It was a good ache and I slept so soundly. (which as one of the very lucky people in the world is not unusual for me). It was the sleep of having been doing hard slog! (physical work) I am extremely out of practice in that. I was covered in mud as the soil even after two days of dry weather was very wet.

I must say it was delightful to be able to have lunch on my deck with my two besties in the wonderful sunshine yesterday, listening to the birds, and watching the birds bathe in the bird bath.

I do believe in the power of sunshine and physical exercise as being extremely important for my mental illness. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) along with physical well being. What is really hard for many people to truly understand mental illness along with those physical illnesses that do not have symptoms that can be seen is that those like myself can seem to be fine on the out side and yet be dealing with a lot just to be present out and about.

For example I went to pick up a package today from my little towns post office. I had been and attended to other things in town that morning along with taking the dogs for a walk in town enjoying the sunshine. I was chatting to the staff member and she was assisting me with a problem that had occurred; an item I had received at the post office a few days before had not been in the package. It had been packed but the package had torn. I had struggled to get in touch with Australia Post to see if the item missing had been located. I had spent ages on the phone 16 attempts to get through, which frustrated me. I had also attempted to contact the correct area via the Australia Post website. To be told that oops something went wrong, and to try back in a few minutes. I tried numerous times over the next few hours. Each time having to go through the complete process. Again I was feeling quite annoyed now. The good thing here is I was able to accept the problems as frustrated as I was and just emailed the Federal Government Minister who is in charge of Australia Post as a communication method for Australians, owned by the Government.

I may be seen as a Karen, but I wrote a very honest and factual email of the situation.

So the kind lady at my Post office was helping and contacted the people who bring the mail from the main sorting area in a suburb of Hobart to see if they had found anything. In the middle of this I found myself having a panic attack, sweats, heart palpitations and hands shaking. Oh how I dislike this, but it is much better than uncontrolled anger which has been an issue in the past a symptom of my CPTSD. So thankful for the improvement in my responses, from working with my Psychologist.

What does any of this have to do with the sunshine. I am not totally sure, laugh. I do know of course the importance of vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) a form of depression experienced in winter time when sunshine is very short supply here in Tasmania.

I do not have the answers I just am finding what works for me. Of course it is different for everyone. What I found lovely at the Post Office staff were so kind offering a drink of water. I am not sure but having a panic attack over the fight response is perhaps a more positive? solution. I am still very much a work in practice.

Coming home I filled the bird baths, fed the chooks and went to collect eggs, only to find…. in my veggie garden..

Well I feel relived that Henny is healthy, and well my hope is that they are three hens? What are the chances?

A lovely end to the day.

blessings to You, Tazzie

October 28, 2021 4

Springtime in Southern Tasmania

What a difference a day of sunshine makes to a lot of things. Here in Australia we have begun daylight savings, ( a week ago). Putting the clocks forward, it caught me by surprise. It was not until I went up to my friends three days later that I discovered that this had happened. I have to laugh at myself. Clocks really do not have any meaning to me these days. Unless I have an appointment. I really do not worry about it the clock that is. Time on the other hand is totally a quandary. I can know longer know by the sunlight what time it is. As the days here in Southern Tasmania get longer time seems to distort.
It has seen me not going to bed till the very wee small hours. Which for me is not such an issue and I am very fortunate.

After spending time sitting with my friends and their dog Toby on their deck, having a lovely morning tea, as the dogs played and the cockatoos screeched.

It sure beat the previous few days, though in between showers I did manage to do something very needed.

It was so great to have been able to spend this lovely day with my neighbours and their dog. The weather deteriorated I endevoured to keep active and give the dogs some nice experiences as the weather was not going to improve for a week or more.

Whilst I find I am able to some things so many more just continue to be on lists. I do get frustrated with myself at times. Yet this is the reality of my life the fact is I am definitely not lacking motivation. I can do things at times. Yet the things that I not able to do are the very things which would make it so much easier in my life. I continue to move things out of the house. I really struggle with my CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) every day there is something that will impact me. I hold on tight to the fact that my mental health is good most of the time, I am so very fortunate safe and secure where I live. I am fed up with the wet weather, and we have more storms coming. It is making it hard to work in the garden and pop in spring flowers seeds.
My seedlings for the veggie garden are doing pretty well and my hope is next week I am able to get in and tend to the beds.

Blessings to You, Tazzie

October 19, 2021 1

All things beginning with C.

I think it is Tuesday March 17th, just checked and it is. it is 13:20 on a stunning Autumn day in the Huon Valley my home region in Tasmania. I have taken a while to get a sense of what happened recently the after affects impaired me and I felt no desire to do or be anywhere, to be with anyone, just being with my dogs, chooks and at home is the recovery and medicine I have required. It has taken time, and a lot of management strategies to not sink towards the black hole, it would have been so easy. I work constantly at not going back.

I moved on from beating myself up and began to consider what a really good person I am. Compassionate, to empathetic and kind. Would I change myself NO. No I am me, and I honestly do like me more and more. I am so very very fortunate to be able to be totally myself and still part of such an incredible community. I sigh as I write and know that I am so very very fortunate. I m safe here. What an incredible gift that is.

I look at the horse tail wispy clouds with the blue sky listening to the hum of bees, and flies, the chug of a Aquaculture vessel coming up the river and feel the sun beating on my legs as I watch cabbage moths trying to find unprotected brassicas to lay her eggs on. My dogs are chewing bones near bye. I am aware of the European wasp that has invaded Tassie. As it will seek out any meat left outside as too flies. I know that is why the blowies (blow flies) are zooming about Miss Treacle as she is eating hers. Busby’s is all gone.

A wattle bird just let out a call that is hard to describe and was answered by another. This morning I have let out the chicks and Frida Kahol too free range in the chook run with everyone else. She is an incredible Mamma, I am a bit fearful as I lost two chicks in one fowl swoop to a grey Goshawk two weeks ago. The decision was made by Frida as I had put a fence (I use it on the deck to keep the wallabies off it at night) around their chick house. I had let them out and was tending to the other hens and Roopert when I heard much distressed chirping Frida Kahol had flown the coop! The smallest of the chicks, a bantam I feel as it is a great deal tinier than the others, had managed to get through the bars but the other six chicks were not able to follow their Mamma.

I had to remove the fence and allow nature and Frida to take their chances with the remaining seven chicks. I have noticed that Henny (the darker of my two brown hens her sister is Penny) is broody and I am working hard to ensure that I do not have more chicks this season.

I have also it seems been able to keep all the poultry in the run. I do miss seeing them outside in the paddock, I do not miss the digging up of plants and seeds, and dust bathing hollows they leave in my garden and paddock where I can stumble into them unwittingly.

It is green looking over the river and at parts of my paddock grass, yet here on this side of the river we have had little rain compared to across the river. It is very surreal to be sitting here in March with almost full rain water tanks (from a couple of weeks ago) and green grass. It is normally dry and I ponder if I need to consider buying water.

Am I repeating myself. Maybe its Ok, Pretty normal for me after being triggered.

Life has not stood still even with the emotions and dealing with the aftermath of being triggered. I have shared previously that I have been waiting on being notified of when I will be having a colonoscopy, unlike the USA in Australia you do not automatically have one on turning 50. Here it is only if there is a concern. I was listed in the highest priority case due to symptoms. I had not heard anything and the timeline I should have heard had passed.
There are some things having been an RN helps with, and that is feeling able to contact the appropriate department to inquire. So last week I did phone them to discover my file was in a drawer, and who knows if I had not called when I might have heard. (off course my mind has taken me to dying with colon cancer and all that goes with it in the months I have been waiting). Knowing that Australia has one of the highest rates of colon cancer in the world does not help. Early diagnosis is the best help to survival.
I rang and was rung back the next day first thing in the morning. I am booked in soon. I have recieved all the instructions in the mail, and I feel that the actual preparation will be far worse than the procedure, having worked in colonoscopy as a casual RN I am very aware of what occurs and I am not too concerned about the procedure. My only concerns were with what to do with my dogs.

The thing that is extremely difficult for me with my CPTSD is actually telling people in the first place and then asking for someone to assist me in anyway. I find it almost impossible to ask for help.
At first I thought right I can not bare the thought of telling anyone, and I can not bare the thought of being away from my dogs. I wanted to drive myself there and back both things not supported by the hospital or I imagine my insurance. So I considered a dog friendly B and B for two nights. (My hospital wants you to be with someone overnight after the procedure, as its policy). That is not going to happen. I am not having a general anesthetic, it is a twilight one. While it is not safe enough to drive myself home, I do not need anyone with me overnight.
I did share with someone who has kindly offered to drive me and bring me home. The appointment is made and I will be away from home less than 6 hours all up (proviso that all goes well). My dogs are quite content to be at home as long as they have had a run and used their bowels. So I put logic and fugal me in charge and will be home before and after the procedure.

I am now aware of how much distress was on me with not having any acknowledgement other than the letter advising me I was highest priority a date range that had past and me taking the bull by the horns and following up.
I am so pleased I found the courage to do that. If anyone in Australia is in a similar situation contact the Endoscopy unit and ask them when your procedure will be please.

I have also been accepted for the National Disability Scheme (NDIS), and have a meeting with someone from their in the near future to see what I might need. As my mental illness/s has seen me accepted on the Disability Support Pension (DSP) it means that I can request my psychology appointments be on the NDIS, and that means my Psychologist can bulk bill me. I am not sure how she has been charging me before this, as I have paid nothing to see this wonderful woman.
The veggie garden is doing OK my tomatoes the few I have picked have been delicious, I noted this morning something has taken two green tomatoes and pecked them I am blaming the blackbirds or starlings. I have pumpkins, and a couple of zucchinis. My peppers are fruiting but will they ripen before the cold sets in? Not a cucumber or tomatillo has appeared. I have at some stage to pull up the sweet potatoes. I hold no hope for any this year. I will cut some slips for next year. I have not emptied my last pot of potatoes as they have not flowered yet.
It has been a better year this year for veggies than last year and I learn as I go. I am averaging 3 eggs a day. I will be winter glassing a lot of eggs. To provide me with eggs during the off season. I do not want to burn my girls out with keeping them laying or year. As hens only have as many eggs in their systems as they will lay over the course of their life.

I have not showered in way too long, and will be soon, I have been eating a bit better, and generally getting to bed early. Dogs are walking I am driving. Right now I am really just focusing on the things I need to do for next period of time and as too diet I have to follow instructions nearly every thing I actually eat is not on my menu for next period of time. Clear broths, clear juices, I have minimised my coffee in take already. I have noticed that the preparation fluid for the colonoscopy has aspartame in it sigh I really dislike any artificially sweeteners, but I have no choice. Thankfully I can take my medication.

While I know I am anxious about what is still to occur and the results. Just knowing the date and time it is going to happen is a relief.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

March 17, 2021 3

When you really go backwards.

May be triggering and language some may find offensive. Please do not share or use any of the following without consent of Echidna Home. (C)

Living with a mental illness such as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is so shit at times. I have been moseying along living life in way that has been good. I was out for a day with a friend on Saturday all day and it was really lovely we went to a town further a field. I was so exhausted afterwards. I have to say being with her is quite relaxing as their is nothing like being with someone who really understands what having a mental illness is like. We shared a lot it was really interesting, though at one point she mentioned that she often felt suicidal. This just blew me away, we talked and shared (as we both have had too many people we know and love succeed in suicide. )

Yesterday Sunday (it is a long weekend here in Tasmania). I was just at home and perhaps just switched totally off I am not sure even what I did. Yet I woke feeling good.

I needed to go and get some chook food so drove int Huonville. I did the little bit of shopping I needed too, and stopped for a bite to eat and coffee at one of my faviourite cafes. Sitting in the lane with my dogs, a small disagreement with another dog, sorted and my dogs under the table. His dog near his and all fine. Thy moved the dog and it blocked the access for the staff to bring drinks and food out. One staff member spilled coffee another almost dropped a dish, then the dog jumped up and tried to take food from a plate a staff member was bringing to another table.
These people made no effort to move the dog, they never apologised to the staff. I suggested they move the dog form between the stairs and table, they saw no problem.. I was triggered and ended up just loosing it. I could not believe anyone would put anyone else at such risk to conducting their work. I even said it was a health and saftey issue. They just laughed at me and my escalation telling me I should leave. Of course I responded and it went on..I just could not shut up and fucking was used by me numerous times it seems to go with the course. Then one of these people said in a loud voice that I had obviously missed my medication as I was crazy. Well that was just the final trigger. Mocking mental health! I just kept on at her. I was shaking and crying red in the face.

When they were leaving after a very uncomfortable silence had settled whilst some of them finished their food.

It was ugly and horrible and I feel so ashamed, I lost it completely I was so so disappointed as I have not had anything like this occur in over a year. Sigh. I know I know I have a mental illness. I get triggered and when I am triggered I say fucking a lot. Positive is I will be speaking to my psychologist later on this week.

I feel so ill and so tired from all this. I hate this illness. Not being in control and all the work and effort is so tiring so all consuming. I feel I am growing I know I am moving forward I know all this. Yet an experience like this is just frustrating and now takes so much work to not let my self loathing feelings of shame and disillusionment and all those delights that come after such an episodes.

For me where I am now right now is that I do still have insight, I still know that I am so much better than I have been. I am still moving forward. I know I am improving and this is just a small set back.

It taught me that there are some truly wonderful people out there who when someone with a mental illness is falling a part I had someone who stood bye me and cared. For this I am so very thankful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

March 8, 2021 8

Frida Kahol chicks

Well hello so much has been happening down here on my little acre in the Huon Valley of Tasmania. Finally more sunshine, and heat. So my tomatoes are ripening and developing Yeah. Pumpkins and zucchinis are doing well for me. However the most exciting news is Frida Kahol’s chicks have arrived!

First chick hatched. I am sure that Frida is not the biological Mamma of this little chick. (I feel Marshmallow is more likely to be.

I just happened to hear Frida making the sweetest noises as I was walking to release the other hens. So I went in to see her and found the first chick. It was so wonderful. One other egg was pippin.

So next morning there were 5 chicks! Yeah. 3 yellow chicks and two darkish.

The weather forecast was for high temperatures the following day. 36dC/96.8dF. I went out in the morning and it was so hot. I checked the chicks and Frida Kahol. The chicks were standing outside and Frida Kahol was panting. I made the decision to move them all inside. As it was only 9am and it was already 26dC/79dF. The following three days were to be hotter. It ended up at 38dC/100dF and did not drop down below 23dC/73dF overnight which is very rare here.

The only fully brown chick though its tummy is lighter in colour. it might be my faviourite.

So nine chicks. Bringing my flock numbers up to 15.. argh. I wait to discover the genders of them. I imagine if I have quiet a few females I will potentially sell them when they are point of lay which will cover the cost of raising them. My hope is there are very few roosters. Only time will tell. I am so glad that I did cull them as she would have hatched 18 chicks out of 20 eggs.

Moving Frida and the chicks to clean the shower .

Above the chicks and Frida have been in side for four days now. I have to admit that I have to still fix the small coop for them all. I only need some nails. As I also need to fix the run as one of my neighbours said she almost ran over one of them. Not that it was an issue for them to have them over there. I just personally would prefer to have them confined a bit more and only let out for shorter periods during the cooler months. They are so delightful to listen to. I love listening to Frida just talking to them gently and teaching them.
In the last photo above note where the food container is. Inside the nesting box. I set it outside in away from the entrance into the nesting box. Why would Frida be moving it into the nesting box.

Busby was so unsettled mid morning he kept heading up to the front door and back to me. I opened the door so he could go out, but he did not. I returned to the seat where I was working and he again came pacing back and forwards. I became annoyed as I was trying to concentrate and he was just distracting me The door was open and he could go out.
A bit later I went to the loo, and as I approached (Busby was right by me) the door to the bathroom I heard distressed chirps and calls coming from inside. On opening the door I noticed one of the chicks had got through the pen rails so Frida was distressed the chick was distressed. I popped the chick back in and all was quiet. When I came out and sat down. Busby laid down and settled. Turns out he was trying to get me to go and see what was happening.

I took three of the chicks to visit a couple of my neighbours with young girls. The girls loved cuddling the chicks. The chicks were so sweet and settled with them. Frida is an amazing Mamma. She understandably does not want her babies taken or her removed from them. I decided before returning the chicks to Mamma I would introduce them to Busby. Miss Treacle was not interested.

Busby was so incredible in trying to get my attention earlier, I decided that he should meet the chicks. He did push his nose in a bit hard at first, so I gently lifted each chick up to his nose so he could sniff their bottoms. This worked well and he was so very gentle with them. The chicks did not seem perturbed by his big nose sniffing them. He is so good around the babies. He is improving around the big hens and Roopert too.

So life here at Echidna Home is full.

blessing to You, Tazzie.

February 21, 2021 13

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