Author: Tazzie

Australia is my country but I live on an island, the island State Tasmania, south of the mainland. I write about my life, and how living with my mental illness has bought about change for me. I am not a homestead as I have no idea what I am doing most of the time, I am really just living my life, doing what I enjoy. I share all sorts of things, and the beauty of where I live on an acre of land with my dogs chooks, and native wildlife of all kinds. Gardening, veggies, and flowers,I try it not necessarily brilliant at it but I try,and unbelievably succeed at times. Mental health and mental illness are important issues and I live with CPTSD and was diagnosed 2023 with ADHD as adult. I began taking medication and share my personal experience in that and other aspects of my life with mental illness, and now on my road to having mental health but managing to live a contented life now. Certainly not always and my blog shares my personal experiences. I write for me, and if it helps anyone else how wonderful. I look forward to meeting you. Tazzie.

Not the Greatest Gardener

Sunday today a walk about the garden, and a quick trip to my wee village to pick up a voucher for my mobile as I had run out of credit and have a doctors phone call visit tomorrow at 9am.

It was supposed to be really cold and wild weather here over the weekend and we seemed to have missed quite a lot of it in my little corner of the Huon Valley. It was mild today and if the sun was out behind the clouds I had just a T-shirt on. I am letting my fire go out as the following days are to be warmer overnight and during the day.

As I walked about the paddock and pulled out young bracken ferns noticing the wattle is still flowering (weird) and most of the leaves are now off my plums. I also noticed my neighbours had left a bike on the main road with a notice saying free to good home.

As I stood there looking at what a great bike it looked a man and his son stopped and the son said hey dad mum wanted a bike. Fathers reply was yes and we could not get her one, but we can have this one. I watched them load the bike into their car and the smile on the sons face was wide. He said to his dad it would be a great Mother’s Day gift (Mothers Day is next sunday here in Australia).

As I was ambling back up the side of my paddock my neighbours were walking down there drive and I said Hi. They shared that they had just put the bike out 5 mins ago, it had flat tyres and needed a little work probably tweeking the chains, and how happy they were someone had taken it. I shared the story and that made them both even happier. I too smiled as I walked to the vegetable garden.

There are sunflowers still attempting to produce flowers and others like the one in the bottom of the photos above that the birds have been eating seeds off. Broad beans flowering, lettuce setting and sending seeds forth on the winds. I have picked the sunflower as I would like more seeds to grow next season.

The vegetable garden is going slowly into winter mode,(photos above) and I am making a compost bed. Manure horses, and vegetable waste, green and brown material will be added. The three sisters bed is finished now and I will not be doing one again, as I feel it is not really the best way in my climate to grow beans, corn and pumpkins/squash. I had to pull out the beans as I could smell mildew on them with all the rain we have had. I have the plants undercover on the deck my fingers are crossed the beans will dry out and not rot.

The tomato bed is winding down the lettuce is ending its life cycle and the sunflower is now gone. I will add some manure, compost and minerals when I decide what will be planted in this bed in spring.

Above a wee bit of artistic license with cape gooseberries flower and fruit. I love the fruit taste and its crazy paper cover. Some of my sage is flowering, and the red kale seedlings are going well. All the plants with the lables on them were in the discount area of my local hardware(nursery area no not a bunnings) I got two lavenders that were $24 ea alone plus 12 plants for $20 I could not pass them by. Two salvias, a rosemary, some seedlings. Several others. I will be planting them out this week. They have all perked up since coming here.

I have been busy putting all the seedlings and potted lettuce and brassicas up on wracks to get them off the timber, I am worrying about the rot that might happen. I am still working on the big pots. A trip to a tip shop may be on the cards. When I take a load of rubbish to the tip which is essential.

Let me reassure you all I am not the worlds greatest gardener. I am very much a hit or miss kind a one. I am absolutely delighted and appreciative of what my garden gives me for how neglected it has and can be at times.
I look at my neighbour up the road. Who has the money to spend on an amazing set up his vegetable garden is a work of art and stunning. He has wallaby and possum proof fencing, and yet he has lost part of his pumpkins crop to rats, and now his beetroots and carrots have been eaten underground by rats it seems too or possums.
He is devastated. Where as after 20 years of living here and knowing that the more you fight nature the harder nature fights you back. I have things outside my veggie garden that the critters can nibble on. They have free run off all areas with exception of my deck part of it, and my veggie area. I leave them food, I have had very little damage from anything with the exception of birds and cabbage moth.
I protect individual trees rather than fencing the whole of my land off from them. Sure they do some damage, sometimes, and I feel it for a wee while. In the scheme of my way of thinking the critters were here first, and if fences are stopping them from getting to their food supplies and you have temptation I know where I would be going too. The critters are not silly.

The photographs above were taken on my quick run into my village to get the darn phone credit voucher (I don’t own a credit card). This was the return trip home.
I bought some potatoes at one of my road side sellers and as I came upon this little one closer to my place I bought some eggs $5 for a dozen fresh eggs and 10 golden delicious apples for $2. I am eating one as I write, crunchy slightly tart and juicy. Flavoursome.

I am so very fortunate to live where I do. I love being in my garden and need to get in it to weed but no point weeding when the ground is so wet.
I also have to fix my faviourite tool. My partner bought it with him from Malaysia, and he called it a ‘chunkor'{sic} The head has come away from the handle and I love the handle as it is thin made for a female hand, as they are the worker who use them most on rubber plantations. I have to find a small piece of wood to hold it in place.

I am thankful for being in such a beautiful place and working with mother nature to ensure the wild life have the correct food for them. I am thankful for all the birds that were about today. I am thankful for the bees that were in my garden today. I am thankful to Mother Earth. I am so thankful to have such wonderful cheap locally grown produce available to buy at roadsides near me. I am thankful that the rain is helping my large trees about the house. I am thankful for all I have, and all I can share. I am thankful for good sleep. I am so very thankful that my mental health is improving and that I am moving forward no matter how small every day. Gardening certainly helps me there, along with my routine.

No walk today it was a car run for the dogs. I was not well this morning very dizzy. I am thankful that I will be able to get back into walking my dogs tomorrow.

blessings to you all Tazzie

5

Morning Walk

I really have lost track of how long it has been now since we have been in isolation/lock down here in Tasmania. I have said before that as someone with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), it has not been a huge change from normal life.

What has changed is my routine, and going for a walk with my dogs every day. Some days we do more walks or a longer walk. I am fortunate to have such a great area and road where my dogs can be off lead.
It was a wild stormy night apparently. I heard nothing sleeping soundly until 07:00 am approx. My dogs stay in bed and join me when they are ready.

I feel beginning our walk with a bit of a rainbow was a good start, and water was lying about everywhere, along with wild fungi and mushrooms that are popping up about the road and my place.

I am trying to bring something new to the photos I do take on our walk as of late it has been the same one for some time.

Busby had run ahead as he usually does as he hopes to see Toby and today he was not disappointed. I was calling him back when my neighbours wife called out and said hang on. Toby by this point had said hi to Busby through the fence and than all three dogs raced up to the gate. As you can see above. It really is a love of brothers.

Miss Treacle was disappointed as she did not get to see her man. His wife did bend down and pat. In Miss Treacle’s eyes it was no where near the same, and she spent her time just standing about my legs trying not to be squashed by the boys. Who raced off down to the dam.

It must have rained a lot as on the way home there was a big worm crossing the road. I moved it to the verge to minimise it being lunch for so

Arriving back home just in time again before the rain hit and wind picked up even more. I finished making my chicken vegetable soup, it has carrots, peas, cauliflower, corn, onion, lots of garlic, ginger, some turmeric in it. Before I serve it for my dinner I will make some very simple egg dumplings. I beat two eggs, with enough flour so that it is gooey and mixed. I than add this to the soup and let the dumplings (with salt and pepper added to the mix) rise, let them cook for a few minutes one side, then I will turn them over. I did turn them too early and they broke. They still fluffed up and added to the dish.

It was a delectable meal and a wonderful way to end the day.

I do hope like me you are finding things to laugh about even in this times of uncertainty.

Blessings to you Tazzie



1

Rock and Fossil

Living in Tasmania there are so many amazing and beautiful things naturally occurring. Many years ago I wanted to be a geologist. It did not happen. I do still have a love of rocks, and fossils, the strata of earth and formation of hills and mountains. I also love collecting sea glass and old broken pottery/china bits washed up.

Tasmania has the largest exposure of dolerite, and rock history from over 1260 million years ago! https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/echidna.home.blog/3339 If you are interested in the periods and geology of my island home the above is a condensed source of information.

One of the coves near where I live has fossils. I also love finding coloured glass washed smooth and shaped by the waves and rocks.

I do have a dream of one day finding some lightning glass. Not really likely here in Tasmania as we do not get a lot of lightning.

Here are some of the fossils I have found here in Tasmania. I have not taken these off cliffs or used anything to remove them from the rock itself. They are all rocks I have found on walks about the waters edges around areas I have been walking or swimming. They have not been taken from any areas designated significant geological areas nor National Parks. Some I have found under the water and others on the riverside.
I love the colours and the strata layers in some of the rocks.

I am not knowledgeable about what fossils they are in these rocks. I do believe some are; Fenestellio Bryozoa, Brachiopoda (lamp shell) “Terebratula” Happy for any information about my rocks and fossils. All found south of Hobart Tasmania

Life with CPTSD and not enjoying crowds taking my dogs and myself off to our faviourite swimming places and walks along the beaches that allow dogs is a very simple pleasure and when I find any of the list above I smile and pop them in my pocket.

blessings to you all. Tazzie

5

Dogs and Isolation.

Off we went for our walk this morning. It was wet but warm and the rain had stopped. Busby and Miss Treacle took off, up the drive to our small country road. Miss Treacle just races out my breath catches every time. Busby is incredible every single time we leave he looks to the right (direction in Australia cars would be heading towards him closest side).

It was muggy and I hate humidity I did not imagine Tasmania would have such humidity as it has in recent times.
Busby had gone and said hi to Chubbs and Toby at their gate across from us. They looked forlornly on as he raced up the road without even looking back.

We had not gone to far further up when we met Ruby and her owner. Do not mistake Ruby for a brown sheep. She is a sweet labradoodle. (her big brother is Basil he is a tenacious elderly pug who can no longer handle big walks).
We left Ruby and her owner and continued up the hill on our walk. Busby saw Toby (yes 2 Tobys, and when my third dog was alive there were 3 tobys on our small rural road). It did not look like Toby would be coming out to play as he sat by the fence. Then the gate was open, and WOWEee , it was playtime.

Miss Treacle was incredibly disappointed when she realised it was not her man but his wife who was with Toby today. She ignored her with disdain. The bros had a ball and stirred up the ducks by running straight towards them, not even really seeing them as they were playing. The ducks took flight.

The warmth and humidity rising and the evaporating water was forming clouds across the river and the clouds thinned. As we walked past Chubbs and Toby were still hopefully waiting by their gate wanting to play. It was not to be so the three of us headed for home.

I had to wheel my bin down to the road where the truck picks it up in the morning. As I was bringing it to the top of my driveway, I was almost flattened by three big dogs coming straight at me, the black ones tail wagging so much it nearly was ahead of his head. The boys had been released. They were thrilled.

Busby, Chubbs and Toby ended up playing ball in the paddock as I talked with their mum, and two teenager neighbours (all social distancing actually much more than the suggested space. The kids were earning their some money by bringing other neighbours bins down. Love their ingenuity. They ride their bikes down hill towing the bins. No fear these guys.

It has been another wonderful day spent in isolation? My routine continues in bed by 22:30 lights out, eating more healthily, walking every day, and showering every second day.

I do have to say, I feel so much better following this routine, I see how I really knew what was best for my own needs and am now working to ensure I follow this as best as I can. If I don’t make it to bed or eat healthy for a day, it is not a a failure in my eyes, it is just normal. I will just pick it up the next day. That is my plan.

I am thankful for the rain. I am so thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for having such great dogs living about us. I am thankful for my neighbours and the greater sense of community we have now. I am thankful for my garden. I am thankful for my warm comfortable bed. My doona, and electric blanket. I am thankful to have a roof over my head. I am thankful to have food and fresh water. I am so thankful for all that I have.

blessings Tazzie

8

Essential shopping trip Tasmanian style.

Essential shopping day today, not just in my local township, but off to Huonville, the largest town in the valley. We headed off a short time after doing our walk up the hill.

Both my dogs were fortunate as our neighbour was out working in his veggie garden, and he and his Springer Spaniel Toby came to say hi. Busby and Toby adore each other they are best mates. Miss Treacle on the other hand adores my neighbour. Who picks her up and cuddles and sweet talks her. It is hard to believe how she behaves with this man.

His wife cracked up when she finally saw Miss Treacles behaviour.

I will take you a slightly different way today, with a visual journey, sharing our drive in to Huonville. It was muggy 95% humidity and 23dC/74dF windows down and shady parking for the dogs. All essentials shopping needed in town done.

Off we headed to Franklin for another walk and a swim for the dogs.

Busby went for a paddle but Miss Treacle, who usually loves to get in the water up to cool off did not want to today. She did have a lovely Cavdoodle/ King Charles cavalier spaniel called Monte take a serious interest in her.

It also gave me the opportunity to photograph the ‘storm’ that came across while we were there. It became windy, wet and very dark in a very short time forcing us to race to the car.

It was a 60km round trip to gather my essentials such as dog meat. As you will see it is a very beautiful place the Huon Valley in Tasmania. I personally think the valley is gorgeous every season. In Autumn with all the orchards, and vineyards,

The following were all taken today 29/04/2020 They and all other photographs on this site unless otherwise stated are the copyright of Echinda Home. They are not to be copied or shared without permission and credit.

1

I hope you enjoyed our essential trip into Huonville and to Franklin for a exercise as well as picking up some essential food items from a local grower and producer.

I am thankful for the rain. I am thankful we did not get caught in the in storm. I am thankful that my shops and grower have all the items I needed. I am thankful that I can feel warm and dry listening to the rain falling on my roof. I am thankful that I am keeping to my routine which is helping me so much. I am thankful for being given extra money by my government this week and for several months to come. I am thankful that in my country and many others Covid-19 numbers are dropping well. I am thankful I do not know what being bored is. I am thankful to Mother Earth whose cycles of seasons keep going as best they can regardless of what many greedy selfish people and companies do to her. I am thankful to be continually moving forward.

blessings Tazzie

0

To Do or Not to Do

I am not encouraged to write lists by my psychologist as when I do they can become a fixation of all that is too do about here. Interesting not writing any list is actually achieving more than having lists. I see why my psychologist made this suggestion to me now.

Let me explain what I am beginning to understand happens for me when I compile a To-Do List. I write all I know that needs to be done for me to feel that my house, meets some unwritten expectation a standard of acceptable that is in my mind.

Then add to that expectation that is hidden, yes hidden deep in the recess of my brain my own quirky need to feel that the house is not completely finished until everything is alphabetised or colour co-ordinated. Wow heavy stuff there.

Not only can I begin to get a feeling why I am basically frozen in place in regard to getting the inside of my house completed, well lets be totally honest here begun. I totally understand where and why this compulsion to meet ‘OTHERS EXPECTIONS’ in what is ‘MEETING THE ACCEPTABLE STANDARD’ of how my house must be before visitors could ever come inside. Or I could possible be happy to live here.

Two things hit me in the face immediately having written this in black and white. Every time I have referred to where I live in relation to this is my house, and not my home. Ponder that for a bit…

Second thing where the hell and who declared that houses had to meet a standard of acceptable.

Family yep from my maternal side. Interestingly my Grandmother was a cleaner in Motels/Hotels for many years. (I have cleaned houses and government offices).
My mother has always been a snob. Her world was always about having only the best and she would struggle to save and get it, fair enough and then when my parents business grew successful it became a much bigger issue. It was also the times I guess too.
Both of my parents families were poor, and my parents worked incredibly hard to give us kids a very different life with opportunities they could never have had. I am exceedingly grateful for that.

The really interesting things I recall from my younger years is that both sets of Grandparents always seemed so much more content than my parents.

My fathers business was all about image. He lucked out with me I could not really care about how I look or appear. I did play the game for many years, until I realised that I was really miserable and dying inside. So in my 30s I began to live more a life I found was right for me.

I still struggled with my two worlds and the power of parental indoctrination and severe punishment towards me for not meeting these ‘unknown acceptable standards’ in how a house has to be have been a massive issue all through my life.

Strangely I could only begin to see this clearly once I stopped seeing and speaking to any of my family. That was not that long ago. It has empowered me and has been a huge part in my moving forward I know.

The time is right for me to let go of the shackles of indoctrination and it is not just from my family, but media, those home renovation shows, the how to be successful concepts, movies, and uuugh celebrities and stupid reality TV shows. Advertising real estate agents magazines the morning shows. Even shows where people are building their own homes create this expectation in I am sure not just me.

I know what and how my home is going to be one day. It will be clean but not sanatised, there will be dirty dishes in the sink, but just that mornings until I wash up after dinner. There will always be books and stuff by my chair where I sit, knitting or crochet projects near bye. Plants and seedlings growing on shelves and in windows, dog hair, dog toys and dog blankets about the place. My photographic items and my paint and drawing items, along with my meditation and relaxation items.

There may very well be some muddy doggy paw prints on the floor as you come in (if it has been raining). Your clothes if you visit will have dog hair on them when you leave.

It will not have a big screen TV or a incredible sound system (no judgement you make your home as you desire). It will most likely have bread or a bikkies ( biscuits/cookies) in the oven, a home made cake. Good coffee and tea, but very simple food. It will be eclectic what many would think of as bohemian, to weird to ‘um very individual’ it will be me.

You would not be stepping over stuff on the floor, or moving about things hoping you knock nothing off. As it is currently. I can live with how it is right now as I have but it is gnawing at me. There is an feeling of the time is coming to begin.

As I type that I feel tight in my chest and neck a bit nauseous. I know why I am reacting like this. I am growing more and more attuned to why my somatic symptoms occur in regard to my thoughts of the inside of my house.

It is not as over whelming to me these days, it bugs me,

There is a lot you may have seen hoarders homes on TV, mine is nowhere near as bad as many of them but it is medium level I feel. There are no tall piles of stuff. I did have a few spots where there were and over the past few months have been very mindful to just take some things out and put them in the bin. So they are gone. Brilliant.

My kitchen is perhaps the worst area it is pretty disgusting. No it is really disgusting. I am being honest here.

I did decide for some reason to bring all my clothes into the living area, and they had been sitting on the lounge for months. They are all clean. I would just wash my clothes and chuck them on the pile.

I decided last week to begin on the living room. I wanted to position my lounge so that I could see the view and watch the TV plus be fairly close to the fire, (I will need to redress this most likely but that is another story). So the clothes were put on the stairs, and I was going to fold them up. Well that did not happen, and so the clean clothes have been siting in a pile on the table and chairs oozing over onto the floor. But the lounge it clear and the dogs and I all can sit on it together. Priorities may be skewed to some of you, but this is my journey.

I did throw a few items of clothing away. Yeah! I also created a pile of clothes to mend. Sigh, I can mend them, but will I. I cant afford to buy new things and these mended clothes extend my choices. Stop StOP. do not think about that now.

Ooops I am begining to make lists, even here and then I tend towards over thinking and exhausting my brain as it all just becomes too much and I freeze again. We have come complete circle now and perhaps it is clear to some of you reading this that my mind works in a interesting manner.

I still have a sort of fluid list stored in my brain. It does not cause me distress or angst, and interestingly as I said in the beginning of this post, things are getting done.

I am proud today as I have noticed grass growing in several places of my guttering, for months today I decided it needed to be removed and I did it cleaning out the gutter and now the forecast heavy rain will not back up and flow over potentially into the house. I am smiling as I write this.

A simple and small step, as I keep moving forward. I have not walked today as I have been doing some things in the garden and the gutter in preparation for the heavy rain, I did take the dogs for a drive and they ran. I aim to go for a short walk up the hill. If I do not I will not beat myself up.

I am thankful that I will be able to relax now and not stress about potential damage from overflowing gutters. I am thankful for how much better I am feeling since following my routine of regular bed lights out time, exercise and eating healthier. I am thankful for the sunshine today. I am thankful that many of my seedlings on the deck are growing well and looking healthy. I am thankful for my physical health and the improvement in my mental health. I am thankful for clean air, clean fresh water, more than enough food to eat. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the ability to be warm and dry. I am thankful for all the insects and frogs in my garden. I am thankful to have seen some honey bees about the garden today. I am thankful for a reprieve from the wind. I am thankful for my neighbours, and you.

blessings Tazzie

2

Simple pleasures.

  • Miss Treacle pushing in on Busby to get closer to me.

I adore these two as I have all the dogs I have had come into my life. Miss Treacle is the most soulful and sweet girl she has too be touching me.

Last night on the lounge she was doing something else and Busby had climbed up and was laying with his head on my lap. I was patting him, when Miss Treacle climbs up and walks over him, pushing her 8kg/17.6lbs body in between his 41kg/90.38lbs body and the lounge. Forcing him to move, she then lays herself over his nose so I can not pat him so easily. I had to chuckle to myself at her devotion. I do feel for Busby, but he is a very easy going boy.

Dogs are great company. For me they have been integral in dealing with my breakdown, the times I was so unwell and life was just too hard in my ill state of mental health. Now they are integral in helping me and my improving mental health. Though let me say their tactics are pretty strong pawed ones.

Miss Treacle was not impressed, and actually pushed my hand off the key board and would not let me keep writing. She was not so subtle letting me know it was time for a walk and to get off the computer!

It worked, I realised if I did not get up now with less wind and no rain the opportunity might not come again today. So we set off. and the sun came out and it showed all the trees up in such a pretty light. The colours of Autumn are much more noticeable today.

We only saw one of our neighbours at a distance this morning and we just waved at each other. the dogs and I kept walking, I use the time for training Busby to come.

He tends to loose all ability to hear me if he sees any wild animals and will take off chasing them. I guess being a Staffie/boxer/ridgeback cross is to blame for his instinct in chasing. He is improving at coming when I call him, I only have myself to blame. He came into my life when I was unwell as a foster puppy with two siblings.

The wind was picking up on the home ward journey. as can be seen in the poplars in the middle row below. I also love the very old quince tree with the Hills Hoist rotary clothes hoist in front of it. Many hours of childhood were spent spinning around on one similar.

  • Miss Treacle her tail blowing in the wind
  • Poplars in Autumn dress being blown in wind

  • Quince tree with Hills Hoist in front of it

This mornings walk up the road, probably looks pretty much like the last photographs I posted. We took a chance in between wind and rain, to go out, and I timed it really well. Autumn has finally arrived here and Mother Earth is changing the trees colours well at least the deciduous ones. The problem lies with the wind, the leaves are being blown off so quickly.

Photos above Miss Treacle smiling at me saying see a walk makes us all feel better, and the clean air and being in nature the smells all wonderful. I had to agree and said to her yes it was wonderful that you made me get up and go for a walk. Second photo she is sleeping and snoring. Little angel that she is. Yes she does sleep with her eyes open.

Later in the day we walked about the garden. It was another interluded of sunshine between showers and wind. In the grass I often see these holes dug out, now if you do not know many people would assume that they are dug by rabbits. We do get rabbits here. These holes are not dug by them, rabbits when they dig usually leave little piles of manure, and a very different shaped hole. This one has a pointy shape and is quite different it is dug by a bandicoot, who as you can see have a pointed nose. This is an Eastern Barred Bandicoot we also have Southern Brown Bandicoots

Bandicoots – Bush Heritage Australia
bushheritage.org.au

The photos below show the vegetable garden and rhubarb which is in a bed in the front of my house.

The fig is giving me small tasty figs. I am not sure what I need to do to increase their size next season. It is growing in a half wine barrel.

The beans took a huge hit in the wind last photo.

Broad beans, coriander, kale, and other brassicas are doing well. I have small lettuce seedlings, rocket, red veined sorrell, silverbeet all coming up. The broccoli that you pick again small style is doing well, delicious and sweet I pick it and eat it raw.

My neighbours glass house is looking wonderful and I have said I am jealous. In a very nice way.
The colour of the blueberry bushes is such a strong red. I also have some garlic shoots already protruding. Along with the broad beans which are flowering already so very strange.

  • The wind has devastated the beans, and now I just wait for them to dry.

We returned inside, and relaxed for a while.

I found it hard to sit still today and at about 1700 I said to the dogs, lets go for another walk up the hill. You can probably imagine their responses.


They were both uber excited, and off we went, the sun was getting lower in the sky and I was a tad concerned about the critters that might be coming out, but we headed off.
I had no expectation of seeing anyone. So we were all very happy to see our neighbour at the top of the hill and his dog Toby. Off went Busby to play with Toby.

Miss Treacle actually squeaked in such joy at seeing our neighbour, she loves him so much. He picked her up and she was in heaven.

He and I talked and he had made 6 litres of pasata from his home grown tomatoes and dried several kilos as well. WOW!how wonderful.
The sky was darkening a bit as clouds came over and we headed home, two very satiated dogs.

We were almost home and Busby saw his other friends Chubb and Toby from across the road, and I said yes he could go and say hello.

Off they both went and I chatted with their owner. They played we chatted standing far apart.

As we were talking another neighbour and her little one came by with their bikes, so we all said hi and chatted. The little one no longer has training wheels on her bike, and so we watched her ride all the way down the hill and use her brakes well, several times. Complimenting her on her achievements and brake skills.

It was growing darker and colder, the tip of my nose was chilled. It was really feeling like winter.

I was very very happy to come home ,to my warm home made white loaf of bread. A big cup of tea and fresh crusty warm bread with butter and vegemite.(Please Note see how little vegemite I spread on my bread..some like a bit more but never spread it thick)
The best end to a really wonderful day all the while staying at home or very close bye, being safe and keeping social distancing, and exercising.

I am thankful for the beauty that I am surrounded by. I am thankful for the food I have and the ability to make my own meals from scratch. I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for feeling unafraid in these times, I am thankful for being so fortunate. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful for you. May you all stay safe.

Blessings Tazzie

11

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

21

Nettles, Rhubarb and Nasturtiums

Even though we are staying home to keep safe, only leaving for essential shopping. Both the dogs and I have to exercise. We have a few ways we can go for a walk and today it was a matter of getting out when the rain stopped. As I looked down on my path I noticed some nasturtiums had self seeded (I have struggled for years to get them to grow here). My rhubarb in the front of the house has just taken off too. My nettles are growing and when a few more leaves develop I think I will try and make a nettle soup.

Of course Busby has to pop in on his mates Toby and Chubb, who live across the road and say good morning neighbours.
The lichen and moss along the road edge. It is always different when we walk up the hill colours change, weather creates different impacts. This morning the cloud was lying low in the river valley where I live.

It was raining and has been raining off and on for five days now. With lower temperatures Autumn (Fall) is definitely showing her colours now in the valley. There are not a lot of native trees in my valley that are decidous so the colour on the hills and mountains change very little at this time.

There was a break in the clouds and the sun made a brief appearance and it became warmer as we were walking. I had left the fire going and was now thinking it may have been a mistake.

The clouds were beginning to come across and the sky was darkening as we got up the hill. That did not stop Miss Treacle and Busby from saying hello to one of our neighbours. I stayed several meters away to keep social distancing.
The poplars are yellowing as the paddocks greening up after the rain and cooler temperatures.

As we walked back down the road it was getting darker, but the dogs were unconcerned. Busby was thirsty and a puddle was just the ticket. I ask you why do I give him clean water??

I stopped and looked at the blackberry climbing over the old garage on the road. There you have Autumn (Fall) and spring in one shot, I had to ponder at the Autumn leaves colour and on the very same vine new growth.

Busby stopped at our neighbours gate on the way home, in the hope his whines at Toby and Chubb might encourage their mum to come out and bring them out to play with him. It was not going to happen and Busby needed some encouragement to come home. Miss Treacle on the other hand was very willing as the first drops of rain were falling.

We just made it home before the wind and rain hit with a WHAMO!

If you look on the let side of the above photograph you will see a patch with yellow in it about halfway up that is over my area. We had timed it perfectly!

Blessings Tazzie.

12

Comfort eating. may be triggering

Comfort eating, and my CPTSD seem to go in hand in hand. I find it so easy when things hit me in the face and throw me backwards mentally or emotionally that I go shopping mindlessly and end up with a trolley full of sugar and chips. I have been working on it and up until recently this has been improving.

For example, I now buy 460ml of ice cream instead of a litre and eat all of that, with a small bar of chocolate you know the one strip bar. I would buy a small pack of chips. Where as before it would be the family block of chocolate and the big bag of chips and a litre of icecream. I would than go home and devour it all!!

The problem with this is the highly processed foods create the cycle of continuing to want them. So having just come through this comfort eating period and assessing what has worked for me most recently is to make things I enjoy at home.

When I am content and happy, doing stuff about the garden and a little in the house, (I am a recovering( slowly) hoarder(I no longer bring things into the house) so the house is a very slow work in progress and the garden is preferential but also um needing work.

I eat better and am far more conscious of nutrition. Yesterday, I was wanting something sweet, ( I do not have sugar in tea or coffee). When I am not anxious or triggered I am satiated much easier. The highly processed food after the first few mouthfuls does nothing, it just is something to do that I am unable to stop, and believe me I have tried every method to stop myself. It is just shoveling it in to fill a hole.

I have decided that I am not going to punish myself by not allowing myself to eat sweet food. Or salty food. I did that quite a while ago middle of last year. I have still had several episodes over that time where triggers have occurred that see me blindly go in and just buy junk food.

The impact of being annoyed at myself created me to me become bulimic, ( a fairly recent thing and not something I have shared with my psychologist or GP), which makes the whole situation worse. So now, I am aware and I try very hard to minimise the junk. Even when I do not as happened recently I just accept it, and look at what has kept the distance of these reactions to the triggers apart.

Me making a semolina pudding with brown sugar butter and milk, contains far less sugar and fat than in the ice cream, biscuits and chocolate I would buy. Having it when I have eaten a good nutrituous meal helps too and again I am content.

I have also found a wonderful thing called microwave mug cakes. Cake is one of my down falls, and this way I can make a home made cake and eat it all but it is only in a mug. Yes I do add delicious icing to it too. For example yesterday I made a lime (using limes off my tree) cake with coconut icing.

For brunch I had eggs on toast with a sausage and coleslaw I made with red cabbage a local carrot, and one of my apples. Delicious filling nutritious. Dinner was coleslaw and nuts with tomato (mine) on toast. I am having a hot chocolate with a teaspoon of my home made rosehip syrup in it. So delicious as I sit beside the fire with two dogs snoring. The rosehip syrup is sweet and it satiated my itch for a little sweetness today.

It is so hard when I am not well. As I do know what is best for me and what makes me function. The old retreat and overeat by self comforting is no longer what I want to be doing. I like knowing why I do, it you know having insight. I like that I have been able to adapt and make the choices smaller when I am triggered if I am able to. I am also OK when it is a full blow out and I am working on not punishing (throwing up) myself when I do either as it is really just another method of controlling my feelings and emotions.

I am not out for sympathy or rescuing please. I write these things down as it really helps me see my whole picture. Occasionally what I have shared has helped someone else. If sharing my own mental illness and journey honestly helps anyone for themselves or someone they love/know or care for, then that is good. I write though mainly for me, as often when I write, bells ring and things gain clarity.

The other positive in all of this is that I have now been walking my dogs all bar one day for two weeks. I have gone on one longer walk in that time, and my intention is to increase my walks to do the longer one at least twice a week. The interesting thing when You have dogs is that they get into a routine far quicker than you do. So now my guys make eyes at me when I am reluctant to go for a walk. They push all my buttons with their eyes, and rather than deal with that I get up out of the chair and we walk up the hill. We also go walking about the paddock everyday and about the house several times. So my phyiscal activity through walking has increased .

I am thankful for my dogs, for their needs outruling mine. I am thankful that I have insight in my mental illness and why I respond as I do. I am thankful that I have space, I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for my governments work in stopping the spread of the virus, I am thankful that I do not find being at home isolation bad. I am thankful for all I have, I am thankful to have this space to write. I am thankful to other bloggers whose blogs make me laugh, inspire me, awe me, provide challenges for me, evoke responses from me. Who share their skills and own life journeys.

blessings Tazzie


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