My Life with CPTSD.

May be triggering.

My colonoscopy went really well, all clear 3 lovely photos of my colonoscopy and feedback that the preparation was excellent. Nothing at all found. So very good news.

Yet I have not been not doing very well in my mental health. In fact it has been a dive.

I have not wanted to post here and it has been really hard to begin again. As my aim is to be truthful about my life with my mental illness Complex post traumatic stress disorder. The plot has been totally lost and I am not depressed as such. Or am I? That is what is so confusing to me.

It does seem so strange to feel this way after good news of a very healthy colon.

My anxiety before hand was worse than I realised, so much in hindsight I made plans talking to a friend about what would be best for my dogs. She would take them.. extreme.

I am realising that I kind of wanted to die. WOAH. Now I have to reassure you all I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. Yet this is the only thing that makes any sense to me. When I acknowledged this I began to cry. Not just cry but felt so lost and realised I just wanted to be with my partner. Who died almost 11 years ago. My stomach dropped and I felt really nauseous when this was going on. It was several days after the colonoscopy. So not related to the procedure or the very light anesthetic.

I am now realising (I perhaps should have contacted my psychologist because I have hit a very extreme place and my hope in sharing this as often happens when I write my posts help me see and and work through the situation and emotions.

The Autumn weather has been brilliant, hot and blue skies/ That is up until the last two days with snow down to 700meters/2296 ft. lots of heavy rain my tanks are overflowing again. I only mention this as some might feel vitamin D may be an issue.

What I have realised, is that without my brother and sister-in-law who for reasons I am now longer in touch with for my wellbeing, being at the end of the phone, there is no one who I can be comforted and just loved supported bye who I trust totally. My partner was that person and this is really the first medical thing with potential of serious consequences I have faced since my breakdown and issues related to my mental illness.

I miss my partner, every day, and very rarely talk about him. Even with my psychologist I have only mentioned him in very general passing. However the time may be needed at our next appointment.

All I know is I have been drinking alcohol more than I really have in many many years. A lot for me and the fact how I drink it is perhaps even more a symptom. I am making home made baileys. So easy to drink and I have been through almost two bottles of scotch. It also requires a lot of condensed milk and cream..so whilst delicious, and very easy to drink. When my partner died I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain and loss. I am usually incredibly conscientious of alcohol as we have alcoholism in our family both maternal grandparents, and my father is too though he would say he isn’t (2 bottles of wine for 2 people each night along with one or two whisky’s). I also have bought a few small alcohol mixed bottles these have not all gone, still have 3 left out of 8. I have not been buying anything much in the way of other sweet products.

I have not been eating well and I have become addicted to shopping online and playing computer games. Showering and cooking gone out of the window, my dogs normal diet has gone, they are still getting exercise I am getting very little. At least most of the shopping is where I fail to purchase things on line with wish and my money gets refunded.

The house strange I am taking the odd thing out still. It is not
My garden I left the gate open one night and the wallabies dined on lovely tomatoes and all my greens. I am thankful they did not get my pumpkins but they have damaged other plants.

So basically my desire to die was really my desire for comfort by the person I loved most in my life.

I am so thankful for the ability to have medical checks that can alert us to potential problems. I am incredibly thankful for the results of my procedure. I am especially thankful that I wake up each day. Even on those that are not my best ones.

blessings to You, Tazzie


Summer time on the Deck

It is a lovely summer day here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania. In the 20+ years I have lived in my home, I have only seen a snake 3 times in my surrounds. The first was a black snake, just slithering across the road as my dogs and I were going up the road for a walk. The second was last year I was watering the garden and one slithered rapidly away.

Today I went out onto my deck which is 1metre(3foot) off the ground. I was moving something, and out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, black and yellow stripes..slithering really fast, away it was not super close, about 1 meter from me it was a suprised by me, as I was by it.

It was a tiger snake. I had forgotten Tiger snakes can climb up human structures. There is so much bush around my home.

This image is not mine I apologise I am unable to locate whose it is. If it is yours I am happy to acknowledge it.

Tiger snakes in the wild have a broad diet that includes fish, frogs and tadpoles, lizards, birds and mammals, as well as carrion. As the size of the snake increases, so to does the average prey size, however this increase is achieved not by larger snakes giving up on small prey but by them taking more large prey. Tiger snakes are largely diurnal and hunt for prey during the daylight hours; however they will forage on warm evenings. They will readily search underwater and can stay under for at least 9 minutes. A bat was found in the stomach of one museum specimen, demonstrating the tiger snake’s ability to climb. Invertebrates have also been found in tiger snake stomachs however these could have been taken as part of carrion; other taxa such as grasshoppers and moths however may have been ingested as prey. Cannibalism amongst wild tiger snakes has also been reported. Prey items are grasped and subdued quickly by the powerful venom, with sometimes constriction being employed as well.

Available prey size is thought to play an important role in dictating the adult size of tiger snakes in some island populations. For example, on Chappell Island the snakes are typically very large and take advantage of the seasonal abundance of fat muttonbird chicks, whereas on Roxby Island where there are no nesting seabirds the dwarf population of snakes survive on mostly small skinks.
https://australian.museum/learn/animals/reptiles/tiger-snake/

There are three snakes found in Tasmania and all are venomous. Though one the white lipped snake has never had any recorded deaths from its bite.
Whilst my snake was easily to identify by its colours not all tiger snakes in Tasmania have such clear markings.

Fact, not fiction

  • The forked tongue is not venomous but is actually a chemical brush used to transfer molecules to the Jacobson’s organ in the roof of the mouth, where the snakes sense of taste and smell is located. A widely forked tongue increases the ability of a snake to track its prey.
  • Snakes do not have ears and cannot hear sound. Instead they detect sound by sensing vibrations passing through the ground.
  • Snakes’ skin is not slimy and normally it is dry.
  • Snakes are not attracted to milk beyond the fact that it is wet and easy to find by smell.
  • The venom toxicity of a juvenile snake is the same as that of an adult although they usually produce less venom.
  • Less than 10% of newborn snakes survive to adulthood. Most are eaten by predators, such as birds or feral cats, or are killed by humans.
  • In reality the danger presented by snakes is not nearly as great as perceived. Sporting accidents, dog attacks, lightning strikes and even peanuts cause more human deaths in Australia than snakebite.
  • In Tasmania the presence of the Blue-tongued skink (lizard) is no indication that snakes are absent.
  • Tasmanian snakes are unlikely to attack people unless they feel trapped or threatened. It is easy to mistake a snakes bluff or an attempt to reach shelter for an attack.
  • https://dpipwe.tas.gov.au/wildlife-management/fauna-of-tasmania/reptiles-and-frogs/tasmanian-snakes


Southern Grass Skink | Department of Primary Industries ...
Photo from Department of Primary Industry and Environment Tasmania
  • This is a skink.
I am sorry I am not able tocredit the photographer for this photo.

This is an eastern blue tongue lizard.

I realise that on my deck are little frogs. So it may also have been after those. ​I also realised I was up really late this morning and normally I fill the large plant pot saucer of water I leave out for the echidna, the blue tongues and snakes. So this lovely guy/gal may have been looking for water too. All available on my deck.

So many people are terrified of snakes. Yet hop into their car every day with out thinking.
The last recorded death from snake bite in Tasmania up until January 2020 was in 1977. As sad and hard for the family of Mr Fish who died in 2020 Two deaths in 50 years makes snakes bite risk pretty good for humans.

Of course dogs and and other animals get bitten and some die. If your know your dog has been near a snake rather than wait to see if it has been bitten, take it to the vets. Waiting can cost the dog its life.

If your dog is barking at a snake get the hose, and direct it at the dog to force it away.. giving the snake time to flee.

As I live in a rural area I am fine having snakes about my home. They do not want to harm me as I do not want to harm them. During summer I usually do not let them out by themselves. But I do thump the ground when I walk and slam my front door. Since snakes react to vibration rather than noise.

My Grandfather my pop was a rabbiter , he raised his family in a tent in the Australian bush and he told me in regard to snakes that they do not want to use their venom on humans as it is how they kill their food. They are scared of humans so just walk away.

He also told us to respect them and look at their beauty. He also said not to remove one from our area if we have one as another will move in. The one you had knows your patterns and will try to stay out of your way. The new one wont.

I will be making more thumps when out on the deck and about the garden.

I do not fear snakes, I respect them keep my distance. I provide water for them so they do not have to come looking for it. I will not be leaving any of my doors open for the foreseeable future..

blessings to You, Tazzie





Reality of Living with CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and unexpected reaction.

Having a mental illness of any kind is so frustrating and hard at times. Even when as I have been feeling really well, and yes I would still say that I am pretty well in the mental states compared to where I have been even now. Yet this does not stop being hit hard, knowing that I need to fight with every tool I have learnt and utilised in my treatment of CPTSD management too remain moving forward no matter how miniscule that move is.

I am waiting for a colonoscopy. Here in Australia you will only have you have symptoms that may be indicative of problems or potential cancer concerns in your colon. I have been listed as a priority. Which means my symptoms are concerning enough that I need to be seen within a fast time frame. I have a friend who was told needed a colonoscopy. My friend has been placed on a lower level of priority and has up to 12 months to be on the waiting list. (It may be sooner it could be longer). Depending on lists and what happens to my friend’s symptoms.

I was a Registered Nurse and no that the majority of colonoscopies are benign. Yet even with this knowledge for me with my anxiety my mind catastrophises. Of course it will be bad, I am going to die.

I mention this as the trigger for my mental health decline. I have again resorted to sitting on the lounge, and eating comfort food. I have huge insight into this as being a starting point to heading towards the darkness and am struggling but fighting it. My house is going backwards, I have been driving my car and the dogs run ahead. Instead of walking them. All my normal reactions to things I can not handle. I am trying not to think about what is ahead. So loose myself in Youtube and games. All normal for my mental health illness. All symptoms of my illness flaring up.

I look about the house, garden and routine and am very aware that I am not following my routine. Which for anyone who has not read previous posts is pretty simple. Walk my dogs everyday. Have a shower every two days. Go to bed lights out 22:30. Do one thing in the house to improve it every day. Eat healthy. Be thankful.
nothing extreme in that list. Yet for me it is as if I am attempting to climb Mt Everest every day without oxygen.
How do you explain that to anyone who does not understand? Fortunately I do not have to explain it to anyone else. I no longer have to work due to my mental illness.

Yet this morning I woke after going to bed bye 22:30 and up after a good sleep, though I am sleep well most of the time. Once the dogs rose, I went and let out the chooks.

I decided to walk the dogs. I don’t walk them miles it is just up the road and back about 1km or a bit less. We did this, and as usual I felt so much better for doing it.
My well mind says this is so easy and has such benefit for you Tazzie. Then I hear other voices of my past and have to fight them. The berating of parents and teachers the pressure when I could not do what they expected. When I am unwell it is these voices and memories I struggle with. Along with if you lost weight you would be so pretty.. and you are lazy, you never finish anything, you are a slob, you don’t care, why cant you be more like your siblings if you had been the first there would have been no other children in this family, you were a lot of trouble before you were born and still are. I become their expectations. I hated myself and never felt a part or accepted. (that is a whole other story).
Even as I type these words, I have tears for the smaller me and for Who did defend herself and was beaten viciously and punished.

When I reread these words above I realise that I am falling under the battery of abusive demeaning words that were the background of my childhood. Along with other physical abuses. I continue to work constantly daily to let go of these and know that these words no longer have power over me. So it is hard to realise for last month or two this is playing over in my head again, “see you got what you deserved..you are all these things”. So subliminally along with the fear of what if I have cancer, no one for support, I am all alone (which is not fact) but reality and logic kind of go out the window here. Fear and tapes in my head are so detrimental and the response to withdraw and comfort eat, is my treatment.

Filling in the hospital paperwork, next of Kin? I do not have any next of Kin that I want contacted. I do not want anyone to know not because I am ashamed or embarrassed just because I do not. Privacy is important to me. I have told one or two people and here that is enough. Then who is going to pick me up and be present in my home overnight post the colonoscopy? Well I was going to drive myself but know that I can not rationally. (Thankfully a friend has offered to take me and bring me home.) No one will be with overnight. As No One comes inside my home.

These are things I believe that hospitals just do not understand. So I will probably be less than truthful about filling this in if I am not allowed to leave it blank. This is part of my mental illness that is difficult for even hospital administration to understand.

Just sharing this here, writing it all down has always assisted me to really see how my illness is the cause of my reactions and responses.

I have forgiven all the people (mostly family members) for the way I was treated and abused. Not for them and they are not aware of this fact. It was only ever for me. As I hated the anger that accompanied the tears and frustration of my triggers. The triggers still happen as I have documented and no matter where I am on being able to manage my responses to them. It is only with insight that I can process accept and move forward.

So my personal treatment plant of withdrawing and comfort eating, being aware that my routine is slipping but not gone are all OK and acceptable. I have not failed I have not fallen back into the deep hole I have been climbing out of. I have loved and soothed myself in perhaps not the best way, yet every day I have had insight and awareness that it will be OK, and I will be able to get back into the garden and connect again in ways that help me as seen by writing here again. Living with a mental illness is an ongoing thing.
Like being a diabetic if I can stick with my life time treatment plan medication, routine and utilising my management tools I will be living a great life for me. I know this from when I am even better than I am right now. It is worth it and for anyone who is finding the best medication, the psychologist, what works for them as an individual to live the life you want and no one else’s. It is a lot of effort and there will be I am sorry to say periods where you are not doing as well as you have.
You will have gained insight and know that you are unwell due to your illness and triggers, through no fault of your own. You will be able to move forward and live the life you want.

I have struggled for too many years attempting to fit into family, school, work, and community. Where I am accepted as I am is my community and when I go out into it when I choose is wonderful. When I withdraw they generally understand. I have people who check in on me, and wonderful unobtrusive neighbours.

I like who I am and am very proud of who I am. I am thankful that I am doing well even when it feels like I am not. When I read back my jottings over the years I see where I have been and where I am now. I love waking up each morning and going to sleep each night. I am thankful I did not kill myself when I tried. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful to be able to share my life with my mental illness warts and all.


blessings to You, Tazzie

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