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Reality of Living with CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and unexpected reaction.

Having a mental illness of any kind is so frustrating and hard at times. Even when as I have been feeling really well, and yes I would still say that I am pretty well in the mental states compared to where I have been even now. Yet this does not stop being hit hard, knowing that I need to fight with every tool I have learnt and utilised in my treatment of CPTSD management too remain moving forward no matter how miniscule that move is.

I am waiting for a colonoscopy. Here in Australia you will only have you have symptoms that may be indicative of problems or potential cancer concerns in your colon. I have been listed as a priority. Which means my symptoms are concerning enough that I need to be seen within a fast time frame. I have a friend who was told needed a colonoscopy. My friend has been placed on a lower level of priority and has up to 12 months to be on the waiting list. (It may be sooner it could be longer). Depending on lists and what happens to my friend’s symptoms.

I was a Registered Nurse and no that the majority of colonoscopies are benign. Yet even with this knowledge for me with my anxiety my mind catastrophises. Of course it will be bad, I am going to die.

I mention this as the trigger for my mental health decline. I have again resorted to sitting on the lounge, and eating comfort food. I have huge insight into this as being a starting point to heading towards the darkness and am struggling but fighting it. My house is going backwards, I have been driving my car and the dogs run ahead. Instead of walking them. All my normal reactions to things I can not handle. I am trying not to think about what is ahead. So loose myself in Youtube and games. All normal for my mental health illness. All symptoms of my illness flaring up.

I look about the house, garden and routine and am very aware that I am not following my routine. Which for anyone who has not read previous posts is pretty simple. Walk my dogs everyday. Have a shower every two days. Go to bed lights out 22:30. Do one thing in the house to improve it every day. Eat healthy. Be thankful.
nothing extreme in that list. Yet for me it is as if I am attempting to climb Mt Everest every day without oxygen.
How do you explain that to anyone who does not understand? Fortunately I do not have to explain it to anyone else. I no longer have to work due to my mental illness.

Yet this morning I woke after going to bed bye 22:30 and up after a good sleep, though I am sleep well most of the time. Once the dogs rose, I went and let out the chooks.

I decided to walk the dogs. I don’t walk them miles it is just up the road and back about 1km or a bit less. We did this, and as usual I felt so much better for doing it.
My well mind says this is so easy and has such benefit for you Tazzie. Then I hear other voices of my past and have to fight them. The berating of parents and teachers the pressure when I could not do what they expected. When I am unwell it is these voices and memories I struggle with. Along with if you lost weight you would be so pretty.. and you are lazy, you never finish anything, you are a slob, you don’t care, why cant you be more like your siblings if you had been the first there would have been no other children in this family, you were a lot of trouble before you were born and still are. I become their expectations. I hated myself and never felt a part or accepted. (that is a whole other story).
Even as I type these words, I have tears for the smaller me and for Who did defend herself and was beaten viciously and punished.

When I reread these words above I realise that I am falling under the battery of abusive demeaning words that were the background of my childhood. Along with other physical abuses. I continue to work constantly daily to let go of these and know that these words no longer have power over me. So it is hard to realise for last month or two this is playing over in my head again, “see you got what you deserved..you are all these things”. So subliminally along with the fear of what if I have cancer, no one for support, I am all alone (which is not fact) but reality and logic kind of go out the window here. Fear and tapes in my head are so detrimental and the response to withdraw and comfort eat, is my treatment.

Filling in the hospital paperwork, next of Kin? I do not have any next of Kin that I want contacted. I do not want anyone to know not because I am ashamed or embarrassed just because I do not. Privacy is important to me. I have told one or two people and here that is enough. Then who is going to pick me up and be present in my home overnight post the colonoscopy? Well I was going to drive myself but know that I can not rationally. (Thankfully a friend has offered to take me and bring me home.) No one will be with overnight. As No One comes inside my home.

These are things I believe that hospitals just do not understand. So I will probably be less than truthful about filling this in if I am not allowed to leave it blank. This is part of my mental illness that is difficult for even hospital administration to understand.

Just sharing this here, writing it all down has always assisted me to really see how my illness is the cause of my reactions and responses.

I have forgiven all the people (mostly family members) for the way I was treated and abused. Not for them and they are not aware of this fact. It was only ever for me. As I hated the anger that accompanied the tears and frustration of my triggers. The triggers still happen as I have documented and no matter where I am on being able to manage my responses to them. It is only with insight that I can process accept and move forward.

So my personal treatment plant of withdrawing and comfort eating, being aware that my routine is slipping but not gone are all OK and acceptable. I have not failed I have not fallen back into the deep hole I have been climbing out of. I have loved and soothed myself in perhaps not the best way, yet every day I have had insight and awareness that it will be OK, and I will be able to get back into the garden and connect again in ways that help me as seen by writing here again. Living with a mental illness is an ongoing thing.
Like being a diabetic if I can stick with my life time treatment plan medication, routine and utilising my management tools I will be living a great life for me. I know this from when I am even better than I am right now. It is worth it and for anyone who is finding the best medication, the psychologist, what works for them as an individual to live the life you want and no one else’s. It is a lot of effort and there will be I am sorry to say periods where you are not doing as well as you have.
You will have gained insight and know that you are unwell due to your illness and triggers, through no fault of your own. You will be able to move forward and live the life you want.

I have struggled for too many years attempting to fit into family, school, work, and community. Where I am accepted as I am is my community and when I go out into it when I choose is wonderful. When I withdraw they generally understand. I have people who check in on me, and wonderful unobtrusive neighbours.

I like who I am and am very proud of who I am. I am thankful that I am doing well even when it feels like I am not. When I read back my jottings over the years I see where I have been and where I am now. I love waking up each morning and going to sleep each night. I am thankful I did not kill myself when I tried. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful to be able to share my life with my mental illness warts and all.


blessings to You, Tazzie

23 thoughts on “Reality of Living with CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and unexpected reaction.

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  1. Being abused as a kid never leaves us, never goes away entirely, in fact serious abusive parents damage us for life

    We have to realize that we will suffer at times, feel unworthy more than worthy and always have eruptions of abuse throughout my life

    I even wonder why I was out on this damn planet at times.

    Why be born into such horrendous abuse that you suffer throughout life

    As I get older and weakened and my chronic pain intensified life seems out of control

    I applaud you for approving of your self

    For us that is a huge victory

    How do we squeeze out a purpose for our life besides we suffered well, did not fit in and were betrayed more than comforted

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh so lovely when someone really understands what is happening Marty. I am content and enjoy my days I see how far I have come. Though to others looking in they would not agree.. but then they have no idea and yet I mention them though I take no notice of what anyone else may say or think One of the very positve management tools and changes propelling me slowly forward.. My work now is to change the self comfort and not retreat totally inward and foodwards. Putting it down in writing clears my head. Sharing it and receiving responses from others who know. Is worth so much feeling supported. Thanks to you and the others. I am sad to hear of you chronic pain. I am so fortunate to be in a positive situation as I am closer to 60 than 50.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly, Im no expert but we all struggle at times. When youโ€™re struggling, re read that last paragraph to yourself. Youโ€™re you, youโ€™re ok. Take the dogs for a walk for them, give them a cuddle, use them to motivate you and you will benefit ๐Ÿ™‚ Try not to get your mind wound up on what might be, live in the moment, get your mind back on today and what you can do to enjoy it. I hope youโ€™re ok ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tas View thanks I do not usually get lost in the what might have been. I am not unhappy it is just a blah place to be. It is very hard to describe how my mental illness incapacitates me. I do actually enjoy my days, I am not depressed and I am content. As I say it is my illness. I really appreciate your comments. I am very OK.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad to hear. My wife is having a colonoscopy next week following too so I understand the unknown and uncertainty, despite the reassurances. I hope it all works out for you and you can get on with managing your little piece of paradise ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ahh yes the unknown and uncertainty. My thoughts with your wife you and family. I am surprisingly doing well and yes actually taking my dogs for a walk not driving the car, gardening, and even done a smidgen of sorting and cleaning inside. I am not getting too excited by it…but its all positive. I am managing most areas of living more positively and am now in my usual accepting way Ok with it all. the mind is a frustrating fantastic awful awesome thing. I greatly appreciate your words. I have been delighting in my patch of paradise. I hope you have been surviving the wind and its lovely to have some rain.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I was somewhat off my game yesterday, I donโ€™t like the wind and stayed up too late, as well as had a council inspection Iโ€™d been putting off, but feel much better today after a night walk with my friend last night. The moon looked amazing!
        Glad to hear your feeling more positive and trying to focus on the good things in life. Take it easy, and dance ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You know my blog was so positive and so hopeful, I always encouraged others to have hope and take action

    I shared my triumphs and improvement

    Now more trauma has been uncovered from my past

    We bury what we can not endure at the time it happened to survive

    Now my viewers see me suffer and wrestle with old trauma

    Life is a rollercoaster

    It does
    Not care when we are overwhelmed and tired of it all

    And yes we will never fit in or be considered normal by others or ourselves

    It is part of the journey we share

    It is was easy for us to recognize another
    Abused kid as an adult like us

    Happy traveling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Rory I have not been reading many blogs in the last period of time. I really appreciate your kindness. I hope to be able to get back into my favourites in the very near future. I can not imagine how hard it must be for everyone in the UK. In lockdown, even though I understand your life is not perhaps as impacted as many. AS mine was not badly when we were in lockdown . My thoughts are with all people in the situation. I seem to have been either locked out of all my gmail accounts or suddenly have no idea what my passwords are. Either may be true. You are an amazing person.

      Like

      1. It is an interesting illness Rory, I am using my routine and been in the garden, walking the dog/s myself rather than driving and them run, my routine is part of the solution, and when I can get back to it I see the reality of how important it is for my well being.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can understand most of what you went through and what you are going through. It feels better if someone understands and acknowledges your illness. I also started typing my struggled thoughts to vent. I hope you only get better. We all get better.
    Best wishes โค

    Like

      1. I am hopeful to see people koving foreward from their mentallt struggling lifestyle, that one day I might also see a miracle in my life๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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