Tag: real life

One Month Later

So I have been on my ADHD medication for just over a month now. I am now considered to have Neurodivergent brain.

From the first time I took this medication with a relative short amount fo time my brain had space in it!

I have always just felt my brain was so overloaded.

Im on a longer acting medication, that has a pretty short half life (meaning the amount of time the medication remains in my body). I am able to tell when it wears off.

Its not all rosey and bright. As when it wears off I again begin to feel the lack of space in my brain.

I am now working at noticing things I am doing when the medication is not working. Ie impulse spending…Temu and I are good acquaintances as is Amazon Australia. When I may have been online impulse adding stuff to my cart if on medication. I will be able to leave the cart, for a few days and generally not buy anything well maybe one item. Not the 20 in the cart.

I also note I am much more aware of when I am likely to be fixated, and will generally be able to quit say facebook (spending very very little time on it and its a huge positive. let me tell you).

I am able to undertake tasks that I have not done in years and not become so focused on it that I loose focus on other aspects of my life that need to be done. NOT saying these other aspects get done, just I am aware of things outside the task I am undertaking in general.

I have begun to schedule alarms on my phone reminders of things I must do every day, ie medication, and other things. Even a time for going to bed. Crazy but having this routine really has made a huge difference for me. I may not do it religiously

but on the whole its pretty set, and in the last month I have not stayed up past midnight at all. (where as not uncommon to be up till 3am prior.

Feelings of not being included and lost as too why, left out, omitted, not understood,and similar overwhelming emotions that would fill my brain are so much less now and pretty much nil on medication.

The negative symptoms for me have not been massive or noticeable. Though I can no longer have real coffee unless its decaffeinated. Generally my sugar cravings have gone. As my binge eating with it.

I did as per GPs and psychiatrist suggestion increase my medication and within a short time, I knew this was not a positive step for me. That day was hell. Hard for me to put it into words now. It was just awful on so many levels.

I have also found with this medication I have a lot of control over how to use it.

As I have said previously it stops its magic at some point in the day depending on what time I take.

So if I know I am going out in the evening as per Mad Hatters I took it about 1pm and found that the night was pretty good. Dont get me wrong I still was quite anxious and turned up an hour early for my volunteer shift. However I knew if I did not go then I most likely would not have gone. So wanting to attend and having committed to help I went and was quite content being an hour early.

Much better than not going and the emotional shit I would have gone over and over in my head for days.

If I am going to Kingston or Hobart I will take it a bit later in the morning.

Normally I take it first thing on an empty stomach. As I find once I have eaten, and I take it, it does not seem to be so effective for me.

It has NOT CURED ME. It has NOT changed me, it has not stopped me from not being able to tend to things that I have major issues about or for some bizarre reason seem to be just not able to DO. Ie washing up… WTF. I actually have some insight into why this and the house crap is such a massive issue for me. I also am very aware of the monumental task I am dealing with. Even with all the work I have so far done. (we won’t talk about the crappy business that was meant to dehoard and clean my living spaces and kitchen)

The main thing for me as a newly diagnosed person with ADHD is that it has explained why so many things happened, were done to me as a misunderstood and different child to my siblings and friends. Why I never really fitted in to social groups/peer groups and why it impacted me so much emotionally and developmentally.

I am perhaps one of the more lucky mature age women now discovering that they have ADHD, having managed to complete degrees, to end up at age 30 working in a career where I was able to continue (nursing is quite structured and time orientated pretty good for my neurodivergent brain). It also explains why I found some work places nightmares, open office plans, and where not much structure so say more self directed, though depending on my personal interest level some self directed style work was great ie dementia support groups for carers and individuals with dementia, setting up and facilitating. Community nursing loved it, and community mental health support loved it.

Explains my always messy desk, bedroom as I grew up and as an adult.

I was also incredibly fortunate to have met Mark. He never judged me, he accepted me as I was totally, and our life together enabled me to keep on top of the shit I would buy..checks and measures I guess. It was not done or anything said…it seems his unconditional love depleted my need for stuff, to be impulsive so much. He was my body double in so many ways. Body double..hmm I will leave that for another day. We know he was nothing like me.

I have no regrets about what might have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Though I have met and talk to other mature age women (especially as girls were never considered to have ADHD when I was a child or teenager) and many of them are very angry and regretful. Their lives were very different from mine.

As I say I somehow achieved the necessities and managed to somehow move through the debt I created in my earlier adult life to begin to save and stay out of debt and live within my means..(never having a credit card was the BEST life lesson). I also became used to the moving so many time I have lived in over 39 homes in my lifetime, 25 years in this one…says something too along with the number of jobs, and positions I was employed in. I was never fired, or terminated. Realising myself when I knew the position was not right for me. So so grateful again for having some insight into me.

So thank if you have read all the way through this.

If you know anyone who may appear to have or is fearful or concerned that they may have ADHD as an adult. Please feel free to share my experiences then and now.

I also want to mention that I was floored when I went to pay for my psychiatrist appointment ($600) that I had been bulked bill as a concession disability card holder.. somehow this had happened in the last couple of months. It was really wonderful for me to have this happen.

Again thanks for reading this to this point. As a mental health advocate I never shy away from sharing my real experiences. I am who I am and am proud of me, and like me. What others may think of me is their own opinion. It has genuinely very little if any impact on me if its negative. So many positives to getting older and being on medication that gives my brain space.

blessings to You, Tazzie

This is my personal experience and as in all my posts do not share copy or use any of my posts without my permission. Or acknowledging my blog as the source.

3

Contentment: is not a dirty word.

Hi here I am and what a couple of weeks it has been since I last posted. I had a few replies to my emails in regard to issues of accessibility for rural and remote rural people who need to see a psychiatrist. The huge costs now involved for anyone even Pension card holders and unemployed will now have to pay several hundred dollars for an initial psychologist or psychiatrist appointment and receive a rebate that means a large out of pocket expense on a service that was bulk billed up until late 2021. My cost to see a psychiatrist was I thought going to be $200, and I would be rebated about $60 back arrgh was bad enough. I was actually devastated when informed I needed to see a new psychiatrist and this would now cost me $600! I blanked out the rebate but it was only a small proportion of the cost. Let me put that into focus. My monthly pension from NDIS is $1890 roughly.
I own my home out right, I have no debts. I will struggle to find this amount. How anyone else on a pension or unemployment a student will be able to afford it makes me incredibly distressed and anxious for their well being.
Not sure if things will change but here in Australia we are in a Federal Election year and expect the Prime Minister to announce soon when the Federal election will be. Our process is EXTREMELY different to USA for which I am very grateful. Here the Party and we have three major ones, Liberal who are in power now more right side leaning, Labor the opposition more left side and the Greens who are more left than Labor I guess. It will be a very interesting and frustrating time in the next period of time.
I would like to have gone further with the issues and kept emailing people who may really be able to see that this will increase mental health trauma and make many sicker, and potentially self harm. For my own well being I have to minimise my frustration and angst, as it creates issues in my own mental health and how I am managing.
All I can do is hope that things will get better in regard to this disgraceful situation for the people who really need support and access to mental health professionals and now can not afford it.


I had a physical issue occur three weeks a go. I had been sitting on my lounge with my knee bent under me, and I realised I had hurt something inside my knee. I was caring for my knee and myself (having been a RN) I knew what was good. It was healing and going fairly well. I could weight bare on it, I could bend it and straighten it with a little pain. I was not needing any support to walk on it I was just cautious.
I let the dogs out one night and when they returned inside I turned after closing the door, only to suddenly find myself on the floor. My knee had given out on me. I knew that was a concern. Though right at that precise moment I had other concerns.

There are very few positives when you are a hoarder. I however was unharmed from the fall as I landed on a pile of clothes. (no they had not contributed nor had I tripped over anything) The access from the door to living area is a clear path with crap on the sides. I had fallen at an angle, thankfully the clothes stopped me potentially hurting myself even more. I was now laughing, as I could see both my dogs just looking at me, like what you doing down there Mamma? I was bewildered as to what had happened and how I was going to get up. I managed it not exactly sure, needs certainly must.

I realised my knee had given out, and now it hurt. I put my injured knee to the floor and I could walk on it but gingerly. Depending on how it was positioned it hurt more. I realised it was not brilliant, but it was not so bad that I was too worried about it that night. I took some anti inflammatory medication and paracetamol, slept well but even in sleep felt pain when I moved into certain positions. On waking the next morning I made the decision my knee was not badly injured, I could manage going up stairs one at a time good leg first and holding tightly to the rails. Coming down was not as painful or difficult. As I have steps to come in and out of the house, this situation raised concern, along with the fear of my knee giving out again at any time depending on how I moved my leg. I was not in a lot of pain, just at times if I moved my leg in a way and my knee responded in a very negative ooops Nope.

I live out of town, no public transport, taxis, and not sure about Uber (but I could not afford Uber to Hobart anyway or a taxi). I then began to worry about my dogs. I really knew my only choice was to head to the public hospital in Hobart. As the nearest radiography business was 50km away and I would have to go to my GP get an appointment get to Kingston, then return. Meaning a lot of in and out of a vehicle. If anything was needed I may still end up at the public hospital Royal Hobart anyway. The decision was not difficult for me, I tried to see if any friend or neighbour may be able to take me. Nope. OK. I really began to be concerned about the dogs. It was too hot for them to be in a car in a car park(which would be super noisy and smelly) for who knew how long, better they were at home. Though sometimes you can be waiting 15+ hours to be seen at the Royal emergency depending on what was happening and this was not really an emergency. I tried to see if the dogs could go to a friends they were not home. I was in pain at the end of my abilities having tried to find a solution for the dogs, as I knew I could drive myself (which is why I did not take any medication) my car is an automatic and it was the leg I did not need to drive my car, how fortunate was that.
I must have cried as I finished the call to my friend. I had just sat overwhelmed worried for my dogs being locked up inside the house all day and potentially into the night and maybe longer.
As I began to work out logistics, I had decided the worst case scenario would be I would have terrible mess to clean up on my return. I decided to make a huge effort and take the dogs for a run (me driving the car ) before I left so hopefully they would use their bowels. Success one less worry.
Now what to use as a crutch or support for me to be able to get from the car park to the hospital? I was sitting on the lounge and next thing the dogs are barking someone is on my deck and opening the door. I am freaking out so mortified that someone is coming into my home (hoarders house no one allowed in). I loose it. and flee. well end up turning my back on her and just sobbing please get out get out please!
she does
I am now hysterical and the dogs are perplexed and distressed at my sobs.
All I can now think about is she knows how bad my house is NOOOOOooo.

I sit for what feels like an eternity, reassure the dogs and find a broom to use as a crutch.
Broom tucked under my arm the plastic knob on the handle end is pointed and at that point in time I don’t notice. I sneak a look out the window hoping that my neighbour has gone. She has. I hobble to the car, leaving my dogs inside.

I drive to Hobart, find a parking spot as close to the elevators closest to the hospital side of the car park. I go down into a part of a busy mall the broom under my arm, the head of the soft indoor broom down on the floor firmly supporting me. I swept as I hobbled out through the mall, up to the traffic lights, crossed the road, and down a very steep entrance drive for ambulances and pedestarians to the Emergency entrance.
Mask on the whole way, I was incredibly fortunate, that it seemed there was only one person waiting but of course you have no idea how many people or how serious they are already in the department. What I did know having worked at emergency and hoped it had not changed much was that lunch breaks start about 11:30 and I was there at 10:30, people wanting a sick certificate for work would have been or were being seen. That very few work accidents happen so early in the morning at work. No major vehicle accidents had happened. It was too early for school accidents too. Sometimes it pays to have some knowledge. I waited in the waiting area maybe 10 mins 15max. Then me and my broom went in and the Nurse practitioner was efficient and too my surprise no BP TEmp OBs were taken. Wow somethings had changed for the better. I mean ambulant patient not complaining of feeling ill does not need those. I waited maybe an hour for an X ray, which was taken and showed there may be a small tear of my meniscus of my knee. Or it may have been the way my trousers were impacting the X ray? I would be contacted if I needed a review.
Nurse Practitioner did some movements of my knee cap and nothing hurt bad enough to make me squeal. This surprised him, and when I had told him about the activity where it hurt most as in up from sitting standing position, and climbing up stairs, and my now phobia about falling due to knee giving way. This was the main reason I had presented. It was decided that crutches for a week and when I was weary form moving without them. Some resting off it when it was aching or painful, but using it was the best remedy.
I was offered some medication to have now, but as I had to drive home and strangely Ibuprofen and paracetamol make me tired. I ask if I could have something a bit stronger, and was only able to have provided 8 Panadine forte on script. I just wanted to be able to sleep completely pain free that night.

I was fitted with crutches, and released. All up three and half hours. WOW! As I was leaving I noted that the emergency room waiting area was full now as was the area behind where I was now discharged from. I made my way back to the car park, paid the $6 and as I lowered myself into the car pulling the crutches across me and angled safely in the passenger seat. I buckled up, very relieved, exhausted and hungry (I had eaten nothing and had one glass of water ). As I had to get the script for Panadine forte filled I went to a local cafe, a coffee and food as I waited. Two friends were there and we had a lovely visit under the shade of the trees with the heat surrounding us. I left not too long later picked up my medication and home.



If only someone could sell that feeling: Driving into your driveway, getting out of the car, opening the front door and being greeted exuberantly by two warm beings who love you so much. My heart was so overwhelmed and my soul exhausted I began to cry as I let the dogs sniff my new helpers. Tears running down my face as I hobbled up the steps went inside, I fed my dearest beings in my life. Knowing that it was very doubtful I would be getting up very soon once I threw myself down on my mattress on the floor(yes it is still down stairs on the floor after Busby’s operation). Making life with a banged up knee much easier. I had opened the door out on the deck so the dogs could go in and out if needed.
I now had taken medication for pain and inflammation. I woke up seven hours later. Two dogs pressing hard into each side I was pinned down on the bed under the sheet. The fan going and the sun setting no cool breeze. SIGH… in describable contentment and happiness at that moment.

My knee is getting back to pre injury, not sure my thoughts of trusting it are. I believe that is pretty normal. I am so thankful I was not worse off. I am so thankful I am content, I am so thankful my dogs were fine, I am so thankful to have friends and people I could call. I am especially thankful that I did not allow myself to feel that I had no friends, no-one to help me, and go down that path I have often feeling so worthless. I am thankful I am strong, independent able to think logically and rationally when plans change. Not letting my anxiety take over.

blessings to You, Tazzie

5

My Life with CPTSD.

May be triggering.

My colonoscopy went really well, all clear 3 lovely photos of my colonoscopy and feedback that the preparation was excellent. Nothing at all found. So very good news.

Yet I have not been not doing very well in my mental health. In fact it has been a dive.

I have not wanted to post here and it has been really hard to begin again. As my aim is to be truthful about my life with my mental illness Complex post traumatic stress disorder. The plot has been totally lost and I am not depressed as such. Or am I? That is what is so confusing to me.

It does seem so strange to feel this way after good news of a very healthy colon.

My anxiety before hand was worse than I realised, so much in hindsight I made plans talking to a friend about what would be best for my dogs. She would take them.. extreme.

I am realising that I kind of wanted to die. WOAH. Now I have to reassure you all I am not suicidal, I do not want to die. Yet this is the only thing that makes any sense to me. When I acknowledged this I began to cry. Not just cry but felt so lost and realised I just wanted to be with my partner. Who died almost 11 years ago. My stomach dropped and I felt really nauseous when this was going on. It was several days after the colonoscopy. So not related to the procedure or the very light anesthetic.

I am now realising (I perhaps should have contacted my psychologist because I have hit a very extreme place and my hope in sharing this as often happens when I write my posts help me see and and work through the situation and emotions.

The Autumn weather has been brilliant, hot and blue skies/ That is up until the last two days with snow down to 700meters/2296 ft. lots of heavy rain my tanks are overflowing again. I only mention this as some might feel vitamin D may be an issue.

What I have realised, is that without my brother and sister-in-law who for reasons I am now longer in touch with for my wellbeing, being at the end of the phone, there is no one who I can be comforted and just loved supported bye who I trust totally. My partner was that person and this is really the first medical thing with potential of serious consequences I have faced since my breakdown and issues related to my mental illness.

I miss my partner, every day, and very rarely talk about him. Even with my psychologist I have only mentioned him in very general passing. However the time may be needed at our next appointment.

All I know is I have been drinking alcohol more than I really have in many many years. A lot for me and the fact how I drink it is perhaps even more a symptom. I am making home made baileys. So easy to drink and I have been through almost two bottles of scotch. It also requires a lot of condensed milk and cream..so whilst delicious, and very easy to drink. When my partner died I tried to use alcohol to numb the pain and loss. I am usually incredibly conscientious of alcohol as we have alcoholism in our family both maternal grandparents, and my father is too though he would say he isn’t (2 bottles of wine for 2 people each night along with one or two whisky’s). I also have bought a few small alcohol mixed bottles these have not all gone, still have 3 left out of 8. I have not been buying anything much in the way of other sweet products.

I have not been eating well and I have become addicted to shopping online and playing computer games. Showering and cooking gone out of the window, my dogs normal diet has gone, they are still getting exercise I am getting very little. At least most of the shopping is where I fail to purchase things on line with wish and my money gets refunded.

The house strange I am taking the odd thing out still. It is not
My garden I left the gate open one night and the wallabies dined on lovely tomatoes and all my greens. I am thankful they did not get my pumpkins but they have damaged other plants.

So basically my desire to die was really my desire for comfort by the person I loved most in my life.

I am so thankful for the ability to have medical checks that can alert us to potential problems. I am incredibly thankful for the results of my procedure. I am especially thankful that I wake up each day. Even on those that are not my best ones.

blessings to You, Tazzie


13

Summer time on the Deck

It is a lovely summer day here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania. In the 20+ years I have lived in my home, I have only seen a snake 3 times in my surrounds. The first was a black snake, just slithering across the road as my dogs and I were going up the road for a walk. The second was last year I was watering the garden and one slithered rapidly away.

Today I went out onto my deck which is 1metre(3foot) off the ground. I was moving something, and out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, black and yellow stripes..slithering really fast, away it was not super close, about 1 meter from me it was a suprised by me, as I was by it.

It was a tiger snake. I had forgotten Tiger snakes can climb up human structures. There is so much bush around my home.

This image is not mine I apologise I am unable to locate whose it is. If it is yours I am happy to acknowledge it.

Tiger snakes in the wild have a broad diet that includes fish, frogs and tadpoles, lizards, birds and mammals, as well as carrion. As the size of the snake increases, so to does the average prey size, however this increase is achieved not by larger snakes giving up on small prey but by them taking more large prey. Tiger snakes are largely diurnal and hunt for prey during the daylight hours; however they will forage on warm evenings. They will readily search underwater and can stay under for at least 9 minutes. A bat was found in the stomach of one museum specimen, demonstrating the tiger snake’s ability to climb. Invertebrates have also been found in tiger snake stomachs however these could have been taken as part of carrion; other taxa such as grasshoppers and moths however may have been ingested as prey. Cannibalism amongst wild tiger snakes has also been reported. Prey items are grasped and subdued quickly by the powerful venom, with sometimes constriction being employed as well.

Available prey size is thought to play an important role in dictating the adult size of tiger snakes in some island populations. For example, on Chappell Island the snakes are typically very large and take advantage of the seasonal abundance of fat muttonbird chicks, whereas on Roxby Island where there are no nesting seabirds the dwarf population of snakes survive on mostly small skinks.
https://australian.museum/learn/animals/reptiles/tiger-snake/

There are three snakes found in Tasmania and all are venomous. Though one the white lipped snake has never had any recorded deaths from its bite.
Whilst my snake was easily to identify by its colours not all tiger snakes in Tasmania have such clear markings.

Fact, not fiction

  • The forked tongue is not venomous but is actually a chemical brush used to transfer molecules to the Jacobson’s organ in the roof of the mouth, where the snakes sense of taste and smell is located. A widely forked tongue increases the ability of a snake to track its prey.
  • Snakes do not have ears and cannot hear sound. Instead they detect sound by sensing vibrations passing through the ground.
  • Snakes’ skin is not slimy and normally it is dry.
  • Snakes are not attracted to milk beyond the fact that it is wet and easy to find by smell.
  • The venom toxicity of a juvenile snake is the same as that of an adult although they usually produce less venom.
  • Less than 10% of newborn snakes survive to adulthood. Most are eaten by predators, such as birds or feral cats, or are killed by humans.
  • In reality the danger presented by snakes is not nearly as great as perceived. Sporting accidents, dog attacks, lightning strikes and even peanuts cause more human deaths in Australia than snakebite.
  • In Tasmania the presence of the Blue-tongued skink (lizard) is no indication that snakes are absent.
  • Tasmanian snakes are unlikely to attack people unless they feel trapped or threatened. It is easy to mistake a snakes bluff or an attempt to reach shelter for an attack.
  • https://dpipwe.tas.gov.au/wildlife-management/fauna-of-tasmania/reptiles-and-frogs/tasmanian-snakes


Southern Grass Skink | Department of Primary Industries ...
Photo from Department of Primary Industry and Environment Tasmania
  • This is a skink.
I am sorry I am not able tocredit the photographer for this photo.

This is an eastern blue tongue lizard.

I realise that on my deck are little frogs. So it may also have been after those. ​I also realised I was up really late this morning and normally I fill the large plant pot saucer of water I leave out for the echidna, the blue tongues and snakes. So this lovely guy/gal may have been looking for water too. All available on my deck.

So many people are terrified of snakes. Yet hop into their car every day with out thinking.
The last recorded death from snake bite in Tasmania up until January 2020 was in 1977. As sad and hard for the family of Mr Fish who died in 2020 Two deaths in 50 years makes snakes bite risk pretty good for humans.

Of course dogs and and other animals get bitten and some die. If your know your dog has been near a snake rather than wait to see if it has been bitten, take it to the vets. Waiting can cost the dog its life.

If your dog is barking at a snake get the hose, and direct it at the dog to force it away.. giving the snake time to flee.

As I live in a rural area I am fine having snakes about my home. They do not want to harm me as I do not want to harm them. During summer I usually do not let them out by themselves. But I do thump the ground when I walk and slam my front door. Since snakes react to vibration rather than noise.

My Grandfather my pop was a rabbiter , he raised his family in a tent in the Australian bush and he told me in regard to snakes that they do not want to use their venom on humans as it is how they kill their food. They are scared of humans so just walk away.

He also told us to respect them and look at their beauty. He also said not to remove one from our area if we have one as another will move in. The one you had knows your patterns and will try to stay out of your way. The new one wont.

I will be making more thumps when out on the deck and about the garden.

I do not fear snakes, I respect them keep my distance. I provide water for them so they do not have to come looking for it. I will not be leaving any of my doors open for the foreseeable future..

blessings to You, Tazzie





8

Reality of Living with CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and unexpected reaction.

Having a mental illness of any kind is so frustrating and hard at times. Even when as I have been feeling really well, and yes I would still say that I am pretty well in the mental states compared to where I have been even now. Yet this does not stop being hit hard, knowing that I need to fight with every tool I have learnt and utilised in my treatment of CPTSD management too remain moving forward no matter how miniscule that move is.

I am waiting for a colonoscopy. Here in Australia you will only have you have symptoms that may be indicative of problems or potential cancer concerns in your colon. I have been listed as a priority. Which means my symptoms are concerning enough that I need to be seen within a fast time frame. I have a friend who was told needed a colonoscopy. My friend has been placed on a lower level of priority and has up to 12 months to be on the waiting list. (It may be sooner it could be longer). Depending on lists and what happens to my friend’s symptoms.

I was a Registered Nurse and no that the majority of colonoscopies are benign. Yet even with this knowledge for me with my anxiety my mind catastrophises. Of course it will be bad, I am going to die.

I mention this as the trigger for my mental health decline. I have again resorted to sitting on the lounge, and eating comfort food. I have huge insight into this as being a starting point to heading towards the darkness and am struggling but fighting it. My house is going backwards, I have been driving my car and the dogs run ahead. Instead of walking them. All my normal reactions to things I can not handle. I am trying not to think about what is ahead. So loose myself in Youtube and games. All normal for my mental health illness. All symptoms of my illness flaring up.

I look about the house, garden and routine and am very aware that I am not following my routine. Which for anyone who has not read previous posts is pretty simple. Walk my dogs everyday. Have a shower every two days. Go to bed lights out 22:30. Do one thing in the house to improve it every day. Eat healthy. Be thankful.
nothing extreme in that list. Yet for me it is as if I am attempting to climb Mt Everest every day without oxygen.
How do you explain that to anyone who does not understand? Fortunately I do not have to explain it to anyone else. I no longer have to work due to my mental illness.

Yet this morning I woke after going to bed bye 22:30 and up after a good sleep, though I am sleep well most of the time. Once the dogs rose, I went and let out the chooks.

I decided to walk the dogs. I don’t walk them miles it is just up the road and back about 1km or a bit less. We did this, and as usual I felt so much better for doing it.
My well mind says this is so easy and has such benefit for you Tazzie. Then I hear other voices of my past and have to fight them. The berating of parents and teachers the pressure when I could not do what they expected. When I am unwell it is these voices and memories I struggle with. Along with if you lost weight you would be so pretty.. and you are lazy, you never finish anything, you are a slob, you don’t care, why cant you be more like your siblings if you had been the first there would have been no other children in this family, you were a lot of trouble before you were born and still are. I become their expectations. I hated myself and never felt a part or accepted. (that is a whole other story).
Even as I type these words, I have tears for the smaller me and for Who did defend herself and was beaten viciously and punished.

When I reread these words above I realise that I am falling under the battery of abusive demeaning words that were the background of my childhood. Along with other physical abuses. I continue to work constantly daily to let go of these and know that these words no longer have power over me. So it is hard to realise for last month or two this is playing over in my head again, “see you got what you deserved..you are all these things”. So subliminally along with the fear of what if I have cancer, no one for support, I am all alone (which is not fact) but reality and logic kind of go out the window here. Fear and tapes in my head are so detrimental and the response to withdraw and comfort eat, is my treatment.

Filling in the hospital paperwork, next of Kin? I do not have any next of Kin that I want contacted. I do not want anyone to know not because I am ashamed or embarrassed just because I do not. Privacy is important to me. I have told one or two people and here that is enough. Then who is going to pick me up and be present in my home overnight post the colonoscopy? Well I was going to drive myself but know that I can not rationally. (Thankfully a friend has offered to take me and bring me home.) No one will be with overnight. As No One comes inside my home.

These are things I believe that hospitals just do not understand. So I will probably be less than truthful about filling this in if I am not allowed to leave it blank. This is part of my mental illness that is difficult for even hospital administration to understand.

Just sharing this here, writing it all down has always assisted me to really see how my illness is the cause of my reactions and responses.

I have forgiven all the people (mostly family members) for the way I was treated and abused. Not for them and they are not aware of this fact. It was only ever for me. As I hated the anger that accompanied the tears and frustration of my triggers. The triggers still happen as I have documented and no matter where I am on being able to manage my responses to them. It is only with insight that I can process accept and move forward.

So my personal treatment plant of withdrawing and comfort eating, being aware that my routine is slipping but not gone are all OK and acceptable. I have not failed I have not fallen back into the deep hole I have been climbing out of. I have loved and soothed myself in perhaps not the best way, yet every day I have had insight and awareness that it will be OK, and I will be able to get back into the garden and connect again in ways that help me as seen by writing here again. Living with a mental illness is an ongoing thing.
Like being a diabetic if I can stick with my life time treatment plan medication, routine and utilising my management tools I will be living a great life for me. I know this from when I am even better than I am right now. It is worth it and for anyone who is finding the best medication, the psychologist, what works for them as an individual to live the life you want and no one else’s. It is a lot of effort and there will be I am sorry to say periods where you are not doing as well as you have.
You will have gained insight and know that you are unwell due to your illness and triggers, through no fault of your own. You will be able to move forward and live the life you want.

I have struggled for too many years attempting to fit into family, school, work, and community. Where I am accepted as I am is my community and when I go out into it when I choose is wonderful. When I withdraw they generally understand. I have people who check in on me, and wonderful unobtrusive neighbours.

I like who I am and am very proud of who I am. I am thankful that I am doing well even when it feels like I am not. When I read back my jottings over the years I see where I have been and where I am now. I love waking up each morning and going to sleep each night. I am thankful I did not kill myself when I tried. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful to be able to share my life with my mental illness warts and all.


blessings to You, Tazzie

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