This is a full and very descriptive documentation of ALL that is happening in real time as my beautiful Miss Treacle dying.

Its a very hard day here in my home today..and for the last couple.
My beautiful Schnauzer/Maltese is dying. She is over 15 and chose me to live with 13 years ago. She came into our life, (our being my gorgeous Smithfield dog Toby and Burmese cat Murphy) it was a really hard time when she chose us. My partner had died two months before and I was returning to work. Toby had never been on his own for more than five hours and I knew it would be really difficult for him when I returned to night duty and 10 hour shifts plus an hour drive each way.

My choice was for Toby and I to go to an animal rescue in my area, and at the time the owner had taken 30 dogs from a hoarding situation. Dogs of all sizes. When we arrived a stream of dogs came towards us, and sort of said hello sniffed but every single dog did not hang about. Yet back on the porch of the home there was this little bedraggled almost dreadlocks haired wee dog. Who began to come over to us. This black and white little dog came straight up to me, put its paws up on my knee and looked up at me. I picked it up and it just snuggled into my neck and basically hugged into me.
A little dog…not a REAL dog..not the idea of a dog I was wanting to adopt. What was I too do..I knew the owner who had thought this dog a female, named Treacle would be perfect for me knowing my situation. I had met her in town a few days before going and she had said to me she had a dog she thought would be perfect for me. Turned out it was Treacle!

I said to the owner a friend back then I will take her for the weekend but if its not right I will bring her back! Well she came home and she Toby and even Murphy all connected and as the first day drew to a close and bed called. She came up with us all and climbed on the bed laid right near my head.
Than night like all the nights I cried with grief and missing my partner. This night the tears and crying were sobs. I soon heard a new sound mixing with my sobbing. This wee dog was howling with me. She was crying with me? She also was snuggling in and licked my tears..now that will make some go YUK…me nope. Of course she never left.

Now the time is obviously her time to leave us to die. I am not religious but I believe there is more to everything than we will ever know at this time in our lives. As an RN I have been privileged to be present at many people’s dying and of course cared for my partner as he died at home from cancer. Surrounded by his daughters, me Toby and Murphy.
I know she is dying. I was not expecting it. Funny isn’t it. She has been going on walks visits to neighbours eating drinking all her normal life. Hugs with me and growling and pissed off at the new pup in our lives for the last 3 months whom she accepts but is not overly interested in.

Over the weekend (its Monday afternoon here in Australia 9th September 2023. She stopped eating food on Saturday morning, I could not tempt here with anything, not her faviourites liver, chicken mince, or sardines. Nothing has been eaten since. She stopped drinking yesterday.

She has been on CBD oil for the last three weeks, as her hind legs have been getting wonkier, and a serious decline in her cognition. It was superb she perked up the second day on it, and seemed to be more interested in life. She was joining Busby, and Sawyer our new family member and me under the wattle trees in the mornings. She would come out and I would pick her up, we would sit and have cuddles as the two boys play and roughhoused with each other. I knew she was getting older and time was passing way too quickly. I was monitoring her needs constantly and having tried several pain medications (I know she has pain as she has arthritis in her rear legs and nerve damage, along with her front knee joints.) So I found CBD oil.
I gave her some yesterday Sunday, and that is the only liquid she has had. Sadly shortly after she vomited bile, so doubtful if the CBD oil was absorbed. She will not take syringed water and in humans as death approaches giving water in IV’s is actually considered counteractive. The body of all mammals stops taking food and fluids in as death approaches which is extremely hard for those of us there with the person/animal who loves them, struggles with, even me as a RN.

I can not afford to have her euthanised, as I am on a Disability pension,paid fortnightly (due this Wednesday) and not expecting her to die this week, and every fucking vet wants you to pay on the day!! Even those who come to your home!
I was also not sure I wanted to have her euthanised. Let me tell you at times I bloody well do when she is coughing up phlegm filled with bubbles (meaning her lungs are potentially filling with fluid), her urine and poop is blood stained. She jumps off the lounge it seems every time I need a wee, and needs the toilet. She is still moving in her wonky, wobbly manner but at times can not make it outside, even when I carry her she has accidentally urinated on me as I carried her down the stairs. So now lots of towels, and one of the best things I have on hand human grade absorbent padded soft liners, reusable, used in age care for incontinence. They are called Kylies here in Australia. So thankful the Laundromat has a big load washing machine for pets.

The volume of urine and poop is minimal now as she is no longer eating or drinking for over 36 hours. She sleeps/rests or looks vaguely at nothing for hours but will move about on the sofa, where the sun through clouds is a lovely warm spot. Her breathing at times is rapid, and a bit laboured and it is often wheezy, or whistly, pretty normal with dying. Oh I forgot to mention about 7 months ago the vet noted she had a heart mummer. Which we did nothing about as she was running and active, going on a uphill and down hill walk/ run every day. Not lengthy but intense. So her heart is potentially failing her. Congestive heart failure. Though at her most recent visit to the vets a month ago nothing new was noted. So all this has happened quite fast but as she is 15 it is all part of her life and death.

So why am I happy I don’t have the money to have her euthanised, even though I spent time earlier today seeing if our own vets would allow me to pay them on Wednesday instead of on the day..Full payment which I have always paid every time we have been to them which has been two puppy vaccinations, two adult dog vaccinations and checkups, plus script for CBD oil ($55 for a script to be written and emailed)?? BUT they would not consider helping my dying dog without me having to take up and fill in paperwork for a payment plan if I had taken her to them to have her euthanised today!!

So that is part of the reason, the other part is She is settled, she is resting majority of the time, her brothers and I are with her. The most interesting thing has been in regard to my other two dogs, Busby 8 who was raised by Miss Treacle and me from 4 weeks old (with 2 of his siblings) and Sawyer who is 41/2months old have been incredible. Sawyer is a puppy and he is so incredible he has played with Busby once today outside, but overnight with quite a few up and downs for Miss Treacle which he came out with us and kept an eye on her, as did I and today he has been so settled, Resting playing incredibly quietly with his toys and getting cuddles from me, sniffing and licking Miss Treacle’s paws and face..very very gently.

Busby has been near her earlier in the morning when I was holding her on my lap on the lounge and he was laying on my legs, and looking at her with a furrow on his brow. I mean we are all super tired, add to this I got a head cold yesterday, and very disturbed sleep last night partly my crying and letting Miss Treacle know what a wonderful companion she is and how it is OK for her to go. She woke serveral times to cough up bile/phelgm, Plus the five times to toilet her. She manged each time to jump off the bed and begin to walk to the stairs, once going down, but so scary to watch her I carried her every other time. She is doing her best to be continent, and I imagine the fact that she is now having accidents on the floor may be upsetting for her. I do carry her out if I see she needs to go, but as I wrote before she gets off the lounge when I go to the loo, or get her brothers food. I hear her thump onto the floor..as she is wonky on her legs. That is hard for me, so very hard..her sweet determination to not soil inside.

Of course this would all be done with If I had her euthanised, but in the same process, her brothers would not have seen this process, (Busby experienced his older brother’s sudden death when I was not home, looked like Toby had died in his sleep, maybe an aneurysm), I came home from a lunch with friends and he had died on his bed looking very at peace but when I moved him some drops of blodd came out of his nose)
So Busby is caring for Sawyer by going out side with him and playing or to the toilet and coming back in relatively quickly compared to normal. Then just quite and lying down. They know, and when she dies they will be able to see her and smell her if they chose.
I recall when Toby died and I was burying in him in my garden, He was a biggish doe 23Kg/50lbs, it was hard ground and I had not dug it quite big enough. Both Miss Treacle and Busby were out with me, and when I put Toby’s body next to where I dug, I realised and dug deeper and wider. As I covered his body both dogs sniffed and came over walked about and over it, and looked at me as if to say Nah not deep enough.. so I kept digging, and amazingly when I eventually finished (all on my own) they both checked again , and both just lay on the dirt under which their buddy’s body was buried. They both grieved for about a fortnight, not wanting to go out much and quite happy just to go with me to the grocery shop and home.

So I personally know at least my dogs grieve and are very aware of when one of the family is dying.
It was interesting when my partner was dying at home, sitting upright on the lounge/sofa our cat who adored him, did not come near him, Toby our dog was beside him the whole time head on his knee, not up on the lounge where he would normally be. As if he knew he was in pain. After my partner died, and his spirit had gone, the empty vessel now cold that house his spirit was lying on the lounge, and it was hard and freezing cold the body, Murphy the cat came and laid down on my partner’s body sleeping their for several hours.

Writing this is so cathartic for me, as I live alone, and friends, do they really want to know what is happening in regard to your beloved dogs slow dying.. I mean do you? So I write here for me. Totally and selfishly for me. Writing and I have missed writing my blog is totally for me, and if it helps anyone in any way, that is terrific. I just know I was looking for something searching online search engines, for when! HOW LONG will it be. The answer is as long as it is!

I have had a pet euthanised previously and perhaps this has also swayed my choice in this instance. When our German Shepherd was euthanised it was horrendous, the dose given did not do what it should have, and he became agitated and aggressive and bewildered at what was going on. My partner was in tears, and I had to be stoic as one of us had to drive home with Rex’s body in the boot of our hatch back. We relived the whole debarkle and all the what ifs. We blamed ourselves, and then each went into our separate withdrawals. On arriving home it’s the middle of winter, dark, wet and cold, my partner vanished and after some time, I brought myself out of my own grief and distress went in search of him. He was in an area of our garden and had been digging a hole, he had somehow managed to get Rex’s dead weight body out of the car and down here by himself. He told me to leave him alone. I offered him a warm cuppa and he said later. I lost track of time, but was surprised to hear the band saw going in the workshop. I decided to ignore it for now. As my partner was tending to his own grief, and feelings as he needed, me mine.
He did come inside a couple of hours later, and no words were said. We both went to bed and we hugged and I certainly cried for us both but for Rex most. I slept in the next day and on getting up was surprised to not see my partner having his cuppa and pipe.
He must have seen me through a window and came and asked me to come out side. He led me down the garden path under the wattles, and into the paddock area. To the side I noted a massive cross, a pile of dirt with stones around it, and on the cross whittled in was REX. This is what my darling man had been doing and his way of dealing with his needs over what had happened. I looked at him with eyes filled with tears and a small grin on my face. No words… This brand new cross stood about 1m/3.2f high and slightly smaller cross beam. It could be seen from the road. Many comments made by neigbours about did I murder him, or who did we bury there. Woah that went off on a tangent.

I guess it was about choices and euthanasia not always being the wonderful way of letting our pets die. I can not help myself but look at Miss Treacle right now. And she has recently just jumped off the lounge skidded on her chest and done a small loose gelatinous with a drop of blood brown gloopy poop on the timber floor. After putting her back on the lounge, ensuring she was clean and cleaning the poop, she is lying gently steadily breathing eyes closed. All the world to me asleep and comfortable. She only appears uncomfortable when her bodily needs, need to be met.
We had only all gone outside for a toilet break about five minutes before but she did not seem to want to go. Instead Miss Treacle began to steer her way wonky and wobbly but determinedly to where she had been going for the last week or so under the house, in the beginning she went under there and came back inside, last thing at night, you know for her final wee. For the week before this weekend she had been going under there and not returning. I would go out and encourage her to come out, the final two nights Thursday Friday night she was in so far I struggled to reach her to get her out. I did manage and I realised she was choosing to do this to be alone. I researched this and some dogs like cats, and other animals will seek solitdue hidden out of sight away from family and other animals. To die here, researchers believe it is a trait back to wild animals doing this, so the pack is not at risk from the predators who will hunt/kill/eat potentially the dying dead animal. I did not allow her to go under the house Saturday or Sunday nights, and yes she went out for her last night wee, independently with me supervising..and her brothers about. I did carry her back inside and up the stairs to bed.

This broke my heart imagining my wee girl who is my soul and the most incredible dog to enter my life at the precise time she did. She was like my leveler, (I have ADHD and impulsiveness can be an issue, along with reactionary..so swearing and screaming at other drivers..she would put her paw on my arm and try to get me to make eye contact with her, or press her body into mine when I was getting anxious/agitated. She helped me get through my suicidal times when I was deeply depressed and diagnosed with CPTSD, when I had my breakdown she was with me right next to me as often as she could be.
Busby was so young but now he is so aware of me and worries about me. He is also concerned for Miss Treacle. But is generally giving her the space she is needing. He is exhausted too but he is keeping an eye on Sawyer and he is such an amazing big brother, today he has been incredbile in keeping Sawyer form being over the top..he murmmer growls type noises a bit like purring. It is the most endearing beautiful noise and its to get Sawyer to settle.

I was holding her a lot, as it was giving me some comfort, and I don’t know sort of felt is was helping her, knowing I was right here, yet once I placed her on the couch in her own space snug and comfortable from my perspective, she was more settled and relaxed. So as much as I want to hold her constantly I realise this is her need to be in her own space. Even allowing her to try and get up and off the couch is important, even when it goes with a slide or thump. She has some form of independence still and I know from caring for my partner in his dying days allowing him to do what ever he wanted or at least to support and let him try was incredibly important, even when it may not have gone as expected or hoped by him.

It is 20:45 and Miss Treacle is very slowly dying. She has not go up off the lounge for 4 hours now and has been settled but is having spasms where her all four legs will stretch out, apparently not unusual as her body organs wind down. Her breathing is at times shallow and with a rasp sound which is similar to what happens for humans towards the end. She is not responsive any more as in I reposition her and she does not move her head is no longer lifting up nor is she throwing up or trying to go outside.

It is getting late and my other dogs and I are ready for bed its been a very hard emotional night and day. I carry my wee girl up stairs whilst her brothers are outside for final wees, I put her in her bed and hope I have made her comfortable death is definitely not too far away.

I go back down stairs and the boys come up, interestingly they are not as rambunctious as they get onto the bed as usual. Busby comes close to Miss Treacles bed smells her and lies down a little away from her not quite in his usual place. Sawyer comes up and slowly sniffs her face and licks her. He is very very gentle.
I make a hard decision I have a head cold that is causing me to have labrynthitis (where my eyes spin and my balance is kaputt. ) I take a anti histamine which acts on me as a sleeping tablet and my hope is I can breathe easily. I know that Miss Treacle will have died by the morning. I know that I will be off no help or comfort too her. I do pet her and gently cuddle her letting her again know how much I love her and how wonderful she is and how much I appreciate that she chose us to live with. As I go to sleep my hand just touching her paw I am aware that her paw is cooling, another sign her death is imminent. I allow myself to accept this.

I was woken by Sawyer who needed to go to the toilet. Dawn was arriving and as yet the birds had not begun to sing. I got up and as I did I knew Miss Treacle was dead. At this moment I just kept rising to take my puppy for his urgent wee.
We came back to bed I did check Miss Treacle she indeed was dead. She was, and with a tear in my eye I went back to sleep settling Sawyer .

A couple of hours later I was woken by Sawyer again, he was ready for the day, he was sniffing and pushing his nose into where Miss Treacle’s body lay. Busby was awake and stretching which distracted Sawyer and allowed me to assess her body. This was to see how I could carry it down stairs. As I did Busby’s curiosity saw him come over and once he saw/smelt Treacle’s body he jumped off the bed. This was not his first experience at one of his buddies dying. Last time he and Miss Treacle were alone when Toby died unexpectedly so perhaps this experience was traumatic.
We got up and I lifted my dear Treacle up into my arms. Her body released the last fluids as I moved her and the smell was not good. I put the body on the lounge wrapped in a blanket she had as a covering in her bed. I knew that I could not leave the body there or as it was because it was distressing and malodorous and the sunshine was coming in. I had to place her body into a garbage bag as it was the only way to stop the odour and leave her body outside while I tended to the boys needs.

I chose a place to bury her. I was thankful that the soil was soft and the clay underneath had a lot of moisture in it which made the digging easier. It was hard emotionally but also because I was unwell and my labrynthitis was making me light headed and feel like I was about to fall over. I place the body in the hole and Busby went over to see what I was doing and he looked smelt and again left, Sawyer on the other hand tried to help me dig the hole and sniffed the body, walked over it and again tried to help covering her body. It is always never big enough the hole, and I did have to make a small adjustment.

I intend to plant some flowers on it.

I am of course sad and am grieving, as Busby seems to be. I am also relieved that Miss Treacle died as she chose, and with us in her home and bed. She always was strong and sometimes seemed to be wiser than me. As she began to decline it was at times difficult as a solo person to do activities that suited all my dogs together though she did all we did together even a trip to the beach two weeks ago, and her final very slow walk down the road from our neighbours on Friday. I know she had a wonderful home and life, she was healthy and fit all the way until she died..if that makes sense.
I am OK because her presence in my life in my darkest days where CPTSD took me to the darkest places and I am only still alive because she and my other animals needed me. I am so So thankful that I am alive today, even with it being a sad day. I have learnt to express my emotions to myself and others. I own them, accept them and move through them today, yes at times still binging (less than ever in volume and how often) which makes me happy, this is because I sought help, and have a psychologist who has helped me to learn how to do these things, as we discover the whys I do and react as I do.
I am so happy that this little black dog chose me to be her forever family, and that she had a long and happy life.
I also appreciate if you read all my words, written mainly for me as I said. As a person who also has ADHD for me being able to totally be with all my dogs 100% during this time was so beneficial. I know this is NOT normal or possible for most people who work, have children, and commitments. I treasure that I being on a disability pension was able to spend all the time and with ADHD perhaps hyperfixated.

The following two photos are taken 5 days apart, one of our last big outings in the car and Miss Treacle had a walk around the foreshore. The second photo taken Monday morning is her asleep on my lap her two brothers checking on her it was not staged, I was just fortunate to capture this moment. The last photo of my three dogs together.