Simple things

One of the ways I can tell when I may not be doing as well as I have been in regard to my mental illness CPTSD is how I become more sensitive and fixated on one particular aspect in a day. Usually to do with an issue I am struggling with or of that wonderful and terrible thing called Facebook. The beauty of where I am today is that I can pick up the signs pretty early on that this is happening. I will then be able to redirect my focus firstly by acknowledging what is happening, then finding something I enjoy. So as this was happening recently and strangely I had been doing a lot of positive things for my mental health it still creeps up on me.

The weather in Spring in Tasmania can be challenging. We have had the wettest Spring for 50 years. Last week we had a couple of days of 23dC(73df) then the temperature dropped to 7dc(44.6dF) wet and windy. I was warm at home with my wood fire going. A lovely cosy day. I spent to much time on the computer though. So when I woke up the next morning I decided to head into Cygnet for brunch. My battery of the car was flat, (somehow my internal light was left on) I have a charger, and started it up. The dogs and I went in spent time with friends ate, and then I went for a drive to recharge my battery fully.

It was a lovely afternoon.

You could be mistaken for believing that the photo below is from the Swiss Alps; it is Hartz Mountains in Southern Tasmania taken on the 30/10/21 Springtime. Yes I did feel an urge to sing The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music.

A drive through Pelverata is quite beautiful

Pelverata Road Slippery Falls Only visible when a lot of rain

Battery fully charged, having had a couple of walks with the dogs through the bush. We were all content and I was certainly in a much better place. I may find being with people draining at times, it had been delightful to spend time in the morning with friends. Then to switch off my brains fixation status, and recharge by being out in the world of nature. Smelling the forest and fresh air, hearing the water in the full rivers and even the wee waterfalls at the side of the road created by the heavy and consitent rain we continue to have. I am so blessed by Godess to live where I do. To be able to get in my car and see such beauty.

Life in Tasmania can be challenging for those who first move her. No season is totally what it should be. You carry in your car layers just in case. As the population changes and house prices go though the roof where I live I do fear for so much of our areas as people subdivide land and farmland for the ever growing numbers of people who desire all that I am privileged to have. Yet at the same time excluding our younger generations who are struggling to even afford the rents if they can actually find a rental.

Oops I am off on a tangent Again I am thankful that I am so fortunate and I am especially fortunate to know it, and to feel I am rich beyond belief. (not in a monetary sense.

my hope is You will be content in your lives and if you are struggling reach out. It can be hard, but learning to manage our illnesses emotions reactions is freeing and empowering.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

October 31, 2021 2

Living with CPTSD

Wondering sometimes if sharing so much of my own life and experience with this mental illness can cause some anxiety.
I ponder often if I just kept living my life in private would I be better off.

My answer is a resounding No.

I have not posted for a while and that is partly due to life, and more to do with not being so well. As for many people the holiday period can be unsettling. Yet mine personal experience has been more about what I have been hiding from myself.
I missed the time with people I care about and love, those I have welcomed into my life not necessarily those by birth. I do not celebrate ‘Christmas” the church holiday, nor am I a big fan of the commercialised concept.

After gorging on almost 3.5kg of Toblerone (darn supermarket had the huge huge blocks so cheap)plus a whole lot of other highly processed food. Over a couple of weeks, I realised I was not well. Yes physically but also mentally.

I had been with people on boxing day (26/12/2020) and it was really lovely.
Yet I had a dark area forming in my moods. I began to sink slowly not wanting to be but not really being able to stop. Feed my face feel angry, eat more, feel upset, eat more, yet no comfort did I feel from my emotional eating.

I feel my psychologist was aware that I might have been heading for a bit of a backstep. In combination with COvid and all the lockdowns seeing an increase in mental unwellness our Federal Government increased the number of visits to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor you could have to 20 a year. Prior to this it was 6 having over the past few years gone from being 12 to 6. So I am seeing my psychologist more often.

Shortly into the new year I had my first appointment. I really did not want to do a zoom, or talk to her. In the morning as the approaching time came my neck began to itch unbearably. As our meeting began, it became to so extreme I could not talk all I could do was rub my neck, jawline and cheeks. I had welts and rash from this, and it just was so intensely and utterly uncontrollable I just had to scratch. She offered to reschedule but I knew I wanted, to no needed to talk about what ever this was.

As I began to talk I just let the words come and what I discovered was I really wanted to have people over, to decorate my home for Yuletide(even though here it is summer). I wanted to celebrate the season, to share in what is in the northern hemisphere the returning of the sun and longer days. (Maybe I need to look at celebrating it in winter down here..lol ). Now we can not celebrate sitting around a fire (total fire ban) and daylight goes until nearly 10pm. But..the idea of just being a group and yes of women friends. Sitting sharing and talking about their passions. Being thankful for all we have.

As I really thought about it, the itchy remained and I was scratching and rubbing. Very aware of it, but also of the feeling or overwhelming sadness. tears rolled down my face as I began to have memories of wonderful times at my grandparents home. 40dC/104dF the combustion (wood fired stove) going cooking Christmas lunch in a tiny 2 bedroom fibro house with 9 people inside around the fan and a water filled air conditioner.
It was not just about being with my grandparents. It was something more. It was not perfect. It was simple it was hard work for my grandmother and mother.
I think it was that my Grandparents had decorated their tiny home with so much delight. There was a real feeling of wonder.
Perhaps that is just a simplistic childlike memory of a better time in my childhood. Yet it is a deep memory that has come out and changed me.

It was not instantly. I did not toss or give away the remaining highly processed food, nor get immediately back on my routine. (Yes I was totally off every aspect of my routine). Are you sick of my routine yet?

I have been kind to myself. I have not punished myself, or done the negative self talk as much as possible. I have sat with the feelings, working through them now rather than emotionally eating in an attempt to keep what ever my mind and body needed me to get out. As small and simple as this new knowledge been to me as I worked through all that was happening internally and externally, yes the hives continued for a week even with anithistamines. I now know more about what I need for myself.

Pushing myself to talk and work through the incredible discomfort of this as with so many other times on my path towards managing and maybe healing my mental illness. Is hard, intense, extraordinarily emotional and confronting at times yet worth it. For me my life now is about living my best life. MY LIFE.

What my CPTSD has taught me so far is that as a child my brain was so incredible at creating ways to keep me safe and living by just pushing all the screwed up shit that was my childhood so often deep inside me. I lived two lives the one at home an the one at school, the one where I tried to make friends, to be a friend yet even as a small child I was filled with rage and anger at what had been done and was being done to me.

Finally I am really aware that I love being alive. Even on my really bad days. I love that I am moving through so much that has happened in my lifetime, but especially in my childhood and adolescence. As hard as draining and scary sometimes letting these hidden experiences feelings and emotions out is, the understanding that each time this happens is a step forward for me to BE ME. As corny as that sounds.

So yes I will keep sharing my personal journey. My life. Its warts and all that happens. I am currently a mature aged woman who has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, who is not so afraid of the blackness as I was because I am learning that the blackness is all my trauma, all my fears, known and unknown. That part of my healing is working bloody hard to accept and let these fears,and emotions of my life experiences out. To just burp the bottle a bit at a time. Not every appointment with my psychologist is such. However for me it is the time after where I really develop understanding and can really explore what has happened in the appointment are where the biggest shifts in my life are. Where the new strength is and where my adult self is able to speak up. Say and do what I want not just need to live my life as I chose.

The other reason I keep sharing the good the bad and the unwell, is that not so many years ago the word Cancer was never said, then it was whispered about if someone had it as if it might be contagious. Well I see similarities with mental illness. As statistics say
•Mental illness is very common. One in five (20%) Australians aged 16-85 experience a mental illness in any year. The most common mental illnesses are depressive, anxiety and substance use disorder. These three types of mental illnesses often occur in combination. For example, a person with an anxiety disorder could also develop depression, or a person with depression might misuse alcohol or other drugs, in an effort to self-medicate. Of the 20% of Australians with a mental illness in any one year, 11.5% have one disorder and 8.5% have two or more disorders. Almost half (45%) Australians will experience a mental illness in their lifetime
. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2009). National Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing: Summary of Results, 4326.0, 2007. ABS: Canberra

By Rubina Kapil on February 6, 2019

Mental health and substance use challenges can take many forms. There’s depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, addiction and the list goes on. Some of these challenges are more visible and you might recognize them immediately. Others can be harder to see when you’re not looking for them. But, they are still there.

These statistics provide a look at how many people face a mental health or substance use challenge, whether we see it or not:

In the United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime.
5 percent of adults (18 or older) experience a mental illness in any one year, equivalent to 43.8 million people.
Of adults in the United States with any mental disorder in a one-year period, 14.4 percent have one disorder, 5.8 percent have two disorders and 6 percent have three or more.
Half of all mental disorders begin by age 14 and three-quarters by age 24.
In the United States, only 41 percent of the people who had a mental disorder in the past year received professional health care or other services.

So when you look at these figures my personal feelings are we need to be talking openly and honestly about our illnesses. This brings more understanding to others going through it, to family and friends of people who are dealing with CPTSD and PTSD. It makes the politicians more aware of the impacts on work experiences, prejudices of some employers, how difficult life really is, costs to individuals and families emotionally financially, more one on one services and packages for those of us unable to afford access to psychologists and psychiatrists. It may help to reduce suicide. Family issues. Our own issues. Employers/businesses will really understand why we might behave or respond in situations. Also Schools may begin to realise that so much of how and what they encourage as ‘normal’ is really not for everyone.

It may also help those younger folk who are not ‘fitting in’ to what society says is ‘normal life’ If I had known for me living out of town and not having heaps of social activities and lots of friends was perfectly normal and OK for me at a much younger age it may have been helpful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

January 20, 2021 15

Sexual betrayal, differences in a relationship and trauma. (may be triggering)

The following post may be triggering to some. If you wish to share this or any part of the following post you must acknowledge that the writing below is the opinion and comment of Tazzie Gee at https://echidna.home.blog/ .
The following is my response to another bloggers Post. All information on Martys blog is at the end of my post.

“What incredible research and statistics. My partner and I tried to be as honest and open in all areas of our relationship. Yet I feel as being his third long term partner, and one after a relationship with a woman who treated him terribly, our honesty and respect unconditional love and not fearing how our words would be taken wrongly allowed us to have a very deep level of love.

My partner had had prostate cancer and this impacted his ability at times, he was deeply ashamed of this. Worried how I would react. We were totally open about it. things improved greatly and he shared that with me he never felt in adequate or a need to perform.

I feel so little real information is shared honestly and openly about sex. The crap that is written in magazines and on TV in movies many books. Expectations and that it will be wonderful. The shame of body image. Aging, odours, natural odours that have the pheromones being sanatised and destroyed by chemicals.

The pornogrpahy industry showing ridiculous situations fantasies, and all that goes with it. Fictional and not reality but often the only way many see the sexual act displayed. Sigh.

Sex and sexuality, expectation and reality. Not being honest, not communicating about what you like, and how before you marry or commit to a relationship with someone who may not really be on the same page or need as you are in the sex department.

I know that my partner and I were very very lucky but we did work very hard at communicating and not judging. When he became ill with his cancer, he told me it would be OK if I had sex with someone else I told him how touched and appreciated I was by his very kind words. I told him it meant a lot to me but he meant more and I knew at this point in his life if I did that even with his blessing it would hurt him. I also told him that I was quite happy if I needed to to masturbate, something he quite enjoyed being present for. lol he found it fascinating.

I feel sex is one thing but a sexual relationship and a commitment to being a couple goes deeper than sex. Many women find masturbation satisfies them better than sex with their partner. Have they shared it with their partner maybe not.

I am a very open and willing person in relationships within reason and my being in charge of my situation(not sure that makes sense) So if any person I was in a relationship with say went off and had sex with say a paid sex worker or an affair. I would much prefer that it was a safe hygiene where the sex worker was not taken advantage off, but a ‘professional’ than if the person had an affair. Firstly I would want to know why my partner had done this, and what I was not willing to do to satisfy the need. If I was nt willing but the person told me and still needed that to help then it would be to me no different to other therapies that help people cope. It is a business transaction, not emotional. If it was an affair, why? would I want the person still to be in my life if they did not want to be with me, I dont think so. As I age Sex is important but it is such a transient thing dependent on so many things. Both parties feeling like it at the same moment, weariness, children, stress, work, finances, body image, making noise and disturbing neighbours, having different desires (consenting adults ones) comfort levels, education regarding sex. some people seeing it as a necessity but not enjoyable, other loving it. Not feeling satisfied by it. feeling inadequate.

It is really a tragedy that so much is put upon sex in a relationship. If you are really having such incredible issues in regard to your partners sexual needs (as long as they are in regard to consensual adults) than perhaps love is not what you have but a dream of what you thought it would be.

I believe you have to be honest before committing to live with someone. Be honest with yourself too. If you can not communicate about sex, openly with the person that might be a red flag.

I have never been married as I see it as a institution by the religious organisations to keep woman powerless and certainly in our history as chattels and owned by their spouses. Even now many religious services continue to have obey for the woman to say to the man but not the other way.

When in fact what you enter into is a a business of sorts. You are supposed to be today a partnership equal(cough cough choke choke)

Relationships like any business takes a lot of work, communication and give and take. Understanding of differences, and respect from both parties. No one owns the other person and or control anyone else. No one is better or worse. But sadly that is not what seems to be reality.

Marriages /relationships evolve over time, change heaps from the early days. My parent who did divorce, told us their children when we were all still a family, that imagine the person you think you are in love with is throwing up or has diarrhea and you have to help them. That they have an injury and can no longer have sex. Or their looks are disfigured would you stop loving them.

My way is not going to be anyone else’s way. We had trust, openness, respect, honesty,

We fought, we would work through the reasons we fought after wards, and we both learnt we were not mind readers. Accepting our minds thinking process, expectations understanding, cultural, age, gender and family upbringing along with our ideology of what our relationship would be was one of unconditional love. along with lots of laughter and communication and not the sort of we need to have a chat. Neither of us were uptight about sex.

Now my partner is dead (10 Years ) his legacy is I doubt I will have another relationship of live in, I know what I need and sex is not the most important thing in any real relationship as time goes bye. The thing I miss most is touch, the little touches that a couple have just in the day to day life, and laughter.

My partner and I were together 11 years, our actual time together was different to most couples in that I worked two nights a week, and stayed in Hobart to sleep on the day in between. Apart from that we were together five days a week. So we spent a lot more time together in our 11 years than most couples do who work five or more days/nights a week.

With exceptions of our personal activities. We never were concerned if one of us went to something with out the other. In fact we encouraged each other as enjoying our own time and hobbies social support friends and community involvement in my mind made us more appreciative of all we had as a couple. As we had very different interests and did not necessarily enjoy the social aspects that the other did.

I was not HIS and he was not MINE. We were two adults and our commitment was strong, yet we both knew having had relationships in the past they evolve, things happen and feelings can change. We committed that we were free to leave our relationship as long as we were honest and not angry. We both knew from past experiences there are feelings and changes we had known that indicate it might not be the best relationship to be in. My partner had been physically abused in one marriage, and his wife in his second had an affair with his best friend. In other relationships for both of us there was far more of us giving to the other party, and receiving very little from the other them.

You can not CHANGE ANYONE except yourself. If you are in a relationship and feel you can or are with someone and feel I can make her/him different. You can not. This would be an alarm to me.

I know there are people who manipulate others out there, by being someone very different in the beginning of a relationship and then once the other party has committed to she/he they change completely. DING DING DING, would be in my head. Yet I know for some people out there hope, love, and desire for the person they fell in love with abound to keep them in the relationship.
He /she is only like this when they drink, or take drugs. This will all impact on how you the other party feel and act, how sexual and sensual relationships are between you. How you work through the issues. If you can even bring up the issues. You can not change them, though they will change you by all sorts of ways. GET OUT TALK to someone and leave this person.

I do not have children, but my parents divorced and it took tooo long for them to do it. They waited until the youngest was in their mind old enough 15. I nannied children of divorce who were 4 & 5 and another family 7, 9, 3 It impacts us kids no matter what age it occurs. For me at 15 it seemed just as hard even though I understood the reasons they were divorcing, I had also witnessed the fights, the not coming home, heard the tears, and had the words of anger and betrayal about one party from the other. Yet these were both my parents whom I loved. It would have been better as a child not to have had to endure the years of all the pain and suffering both parties put on the other and us.
(added) Fear is often what is stopping us leaving a relationship. How will I manage, how will the kids be, what might my partner do. As hard as it is to leave surely it is so much harder to remain in a place that has little or no happiness, joy, respect, unconditional love. Pain violence, threats intimidation, abuse, being controlled in any manner are not a loving partnership relationship.

If you can not tell your boy/girl friend, partner/spouse that you are not happy with how they touch you during sex, or what you enjoy, that you love them and having sex with them is wonderful but if they can not bring you to orgasm and masturbation can especially self. This should not be a bad thing where any partner feels embarrassed or shamed. For some of us out there it is the way it is sexually and it is OKay.

It does not mean the other party is a failure or incompetent. It can be a time for sharing how to help each other receive the pleasure.

Some people do not enjoy sex, but enjoy the intimacy holding hugs and kissing. Having sex should not be seen in my view as a given in any situation.
If you are forced by your girl/boy friend to do something that makes you uncomfortable that is wrong. Very wrong against the law in fact. If you believe you are in love no one who loved you in return would treat you in this manner.

If you can never see yourself as being OK with any activity between consenting adults in your relationship than the person you believe yourself to be in love with will assuredly go in search of this from some other source.
Sex is part of life, and we must all be able to say what we enjoy, want and need without fear or any other form of emotional, physical, financial abuse.
As long as it is with consenting adults. (any other form is NOT NEVER OK) !

I would like to add to this, that it is perfectly OK to not want to be in a sexual relationship or any. No one has to live with anyone or marry anyone today. Happy ever afters take huge amounts of effort giving and taking by both parties, and understanding honest, open, discussions about your sexual likes dislikes.

This was my response to the post on Marty’s https://ptsdawayout.com/ See below Martys blog C PSTD A mindful way to heal.
https://ptsdawayout.com/2020/09/18/how-betrayal-trauma-manifests-itself/ How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself.
Marty’s ” blog is designed for daily support of complex PTSD. Our attitudes and daily effort will determine our misery or happiness going forward.” as this is also my mantra for my own healing from CPSTD (complex post traumatic Stress Disorder) I find his blog so encouraging and informative with other people who are on the way to managing positively and healing from CPTSD.

Blesssings to You, Tazzie

September 21, 2020 1

Frustration, helplessness and mental health. (may be triggering)

Hi everyone it seems to never rain but hail when computer/internet issues occur. My internet account was suspended and now I am dealing with our countries Technology Ombudsmans office and they are dealing with my service provider. I am Back now fingers crossed.

I find off shore call centers really difficult to deal with, this is partly due to my mental illness, (CPTSD) and a feeling of no control at all over a service that I pay for. I have been dealing with my provider for 8 weeks now, and my benefit payment went in two days late which meant I missed paying my provider. (It used to be done by automatic payment each month). Of course you have to add that my provider has you paying two weeks ahead and two weeks behind. (this I really do not understand) It also seems suddenly for know reason my date due to pay has altered.

It is not the date the missed payment went through, as they did not inform me until the next payment was due that it had not been credited to the right invoice? How is that my fault? I paid it to the invoice they sent me demanding payment for.

I then found that I was now 2 months behind according to my internet provider, (this was on the 8th of April) even though the next invoice was not due to be paid until the 12th of April? I had the money and was going to Bpay as they no longer were able to do a direct payment that had been set up. According to the call centre. I said I would be paying this invoice on the 12 when it was due. But no that was not OK. So in the middle of all this I check with my bank as to why the direct payment to my internet provider was not able to continue. My bank said they had no issue in continuing it as I had not authorised it to be stopped from this end.

So if my service provider had just processed the payment it would have all gone through. I rang my service provider and informed them of this. That they could take the money as per normal as the authority was in place.

So I believe that my service provider is taking the money out as normal.

Instead I get messages telling me my service would be suspended from the the 14th if the outstanding money was not paid for the two invoices. This all happened on Monday the 13th of April. Which here is Easter weekend we have a four day holiday Good Friday through to and including Easter Monday.

I tried to explain to the lovely lady on the phone that in Tasmania it is another holiday for the Banks, financial and Government organisations and businesses. So I would not be able to go to my bank UNTIL the Wednesday. I also advised her that for some reason I was not able to get into my toolbox, the access to my account from the service provider. Even though I knew my password and id were correct. She said she would note all of that.

Wednesday morning finds me and the dogs, in town at our bank. I was a little early and they were not open at the time. I tied the dogs up and sat and waited.

The wonderful staff at my community bank, helped me and I decided to pay the two months that I ‘was overdue’ plus the May June payment which would mean I was in fact ahead. Relief.

Dogs and I went for a walk, headed home and found my internet down! WTF!

I spent the next four hours attempting to get someone to understand what had been going on, getting cut off! Being told it would all be OK. When it wasnt. I requested to speak to supervisor and refused! I hung up and tried again, I ended up going to a sales number. Realising that the person in sales during business hours might be an Aussie. It was YEAH!!! I cried. Yes I did.

This wonderful woman heard me as I explained my problem with my account, she was very supportive when I shared with her that all this was impacting my mental illness, and sometimes just dealing with call centres can be triggering to me. She apologised that she could not help me personally and unfortunately there was ‘no one’ in Australia who could? What the heck! She assured me the person she would put me on to would be able to assist me.

What else could I do but trust her. The chap I spoke to was helpful, he listened to me, as I tried to explain. He assured me my internet would be reinstated. He also seemed to understand my not answering any phone calls without numbers or people not leaveing a direct phone number for me to call. I got his details and requested copies of our converstaion, he sent them to me. I had also

It was great I felt like some order was restored, as my internet was back on.

For the next two weeks it was all good.

Then I began to get text messages telling me my service was going to be disconnected for not being paid. I had people ringing me all the time, I did not know the numbers I was not picking up, any messages left were weird noises, or just nothing. I sent emails, advising that all invoices had been paid, that I had actually paid the following month as well. I also included that I could not access my toolbox.

They acknowledge receipt of emails. Two days later I received a response, saying if did not pay the outstanding invoices my account would be disconnected, and to go into my toolbox, and see. That I could also chat to someone whilst in the toolbox! ARRGGH !

I lost it. I sent an email back saying how horrendous this company was, and the fact was proven that no body had actually read my email properly as PART OF MY PROBLEM IS I CANNOT GET INTO MY TOOLBOX!

I keep getting how did we do handling your issue emails, and you most likely can imagine how I replied.
I was also getting several messages a day on my phone telling me my accounts were overdue. My account would be disconnected.

Again the hours trying to get someone to actually understand that I had paid my account. Again the call centre people were varied in abilities, and some just hung up on me, (I was not yelling or swearing), others tried but could not find any invoice paid. I would ask for supervisors, and then be told they would call me back. I answered unknown numbers but the person could not resolve the issue.

This went of for two more weeks! We are now into May. My bank said that the money had gone on the 15/04/2020 to the BPay account (which is my service providers) Sigh…

I tried again with the call centre. It was over an hours wait to get to talk to anyone. I waited. Again I was on the phone, I hung up in frustration when someone said that my account would be disconnected on Friday if the invoices were not paid. Even though I had just told him I paid them on the 15/04 (US 04/15). It was now the 04/05 (US 05/04). I had asked to speak to a supervisor there is no one available! I asked to have one call me, No one did!

The next morning I tried again and spoke with a lovely woman who I said I really just need to speak to a supervisor. She said could she have someone call me. I explained how I waited all afternoon and evening for someone to call me yesterday. She explained that she could not transfer me as they are all working from home. I said oh OK she assured me she would contact someone and they would ring me today.

They did two hours later I received a message on my phone saying …. would be ringing me very shortly. She did. She listened, and tried to see if the invoices had been paid. They still hadn’t. I just burst into tears and hung up.

The next day my internet went off. I could not check emails. I had had enough! I called the Ombudsmans office. The first person I talked to told me it was not an issue for their office? I said it is. No I have to deal with the company first???? He was really helpful and actually seemed to be bullish!. I rang again and got someone else. I said how I had rung before and I was very upset with how I was spoken to and treated. That I was told this was not an issue for this office. The person I spoke to listened to my tale, and said no it is an issue we can look into for You. Relief. I stated that my internet had been disconnected for not paying my bills. She said she would get onto it right away for me.

Sigh I thanked her and than had not expectations. She had also said to me that whilst there was ongoing issues between me and the Obusdmans office was involved I can not be disconnected. Three days later I am back online.

I sank down a lot, during this time. I did not go back wards, and I am proud of myself that I did not get to the trigger point I may have where I was screaming and swearing as in the past. I felt so drained and flat. I was not going to let this get on top of me. Unfortunately my ‘old’ normal responses have rared their ugly heads. I have stayed up too late, (but am working on it again) I have not been eating as well and sugar was high, (condensed milk can not be in this house). I am not proud of the two cans I consumed over four days but it could have been two days. Progress..lol up until yesterday Saturday I had been walking, but have not over these two days. Writing here is my accountability. I have been doing some pottering outside so not just sitting on the lounge, and I did take the dogs for a play with the neighbour across the roads dogs. So I have communicated with someone. Along with leaving the house.

Tonight I made a delicous Korma, rice and salad with greens from my garden. I have eaten sugar only in some fruit. I will be in bed lights out by 22:30.

I am determined to not stay slumped down, I have not gone backwards, I am still moving forward.

I saw that I had had emails from my service provider saying they wanted a copy of my payment, this was from the day my internet went down? The next day they sent me another email saying they were wiping the debt? It was a one off. A sign of their goodwill? (Remember I have paid them)?

I rang the Ombudsman’s office as I was still missing $209.97.

It took a bit of getting the person on the other end of the phone to understand, that by crediting the account as good will, means that they are still saying they have not received my money.

This means my $209.97 has vanished, and I might have internet service but I am out of pocket this amount. She asked me what I wanted, I said originally I just wanted to pay the account which I have done, but now as they have credited my account as goodwill, I want my money back!.

Seems a totally ridiculous situation, and as I said to the woman at the Ombudsman’s office my mental health has suffered a lot over this. I never tried to not pay my bill/s..

Such a ludicrous circus. This is why no company should be allowed to operate within another country without having people working in that country at a level who can actually help. Or the call centres should be able to have someone from financial management ring you when the situation goes on and on. Yet I have no real leg to stand on. I have had my internet off for ten days in the five weeks.

What rights do we the consumer have when using companies that operate outside of our National laws? It is something I am thinking more and more about whilst safe at home. You want Australians to get back to work than make more companies pay for Australians to work for them, so the services we pay for are traceable!

I am thankful for this place to off load. I am thankful for the wonderful world that the internet opens up to me. Being an introvert and someone who may have the potential for agoraphobia if I dont push myself I am so very thankful that this surreal time has seen me get on the whole fitter, healthier, mentally stronger. Thankful to know my rights, thankful to know processes to ensure my rights are taken care of. Thankful for the people who are working from their homes. I am thankful to the lovely helpful and pleasant (generally woman I have to say) in the call centres who do really try to help but the situation is not in their handbooks.
I am thankful for the lovely food I have access to. I am thankful for the clean water I have to drink. I am thankful for the fresh air I breathe. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for the birds, and critters in my garden. I am thankful for the rain that is falling. I am thankful for having wood for my fire. I am thankful that I have no debt, that I am so very very fortunate to own my home outright. I am thankful for You.

blessings to You Tazzie

May 10, 2020 12

Morning Walk

I really have lost track of how long it has been now since we have been in isolation/lock down here in Tasmania. I have said before that as someone with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), it has not been a huge change from normal life.

What has changed is my routine, and going for a walk with my dogs every day. Some days we do more walks or a longer walk. I am fortunate to have such a great area and road where my dogs can be off lead.
It was a wild stormy night apparently. I heard nothing sleeping soundly until 07:00 am approx. My dogs stay in bed and join me when they are ready.

I feel beginning our walk with a bit of a rainbow was a good start, and water was lying about everywhere, along with wild fungi and mushrooms that are popping up about the road and my place.

I am trying to bring something new to the photos I do take on our walk as of late it has been the same one for some time.

Busby had run ahead as he usually does as he hopes to see Toby and today he was not disappointed. I was calling him back when my neighbours wife called out and said hang on. Toby by this point had said hi to Busby through the fence and than all three dogs raced up to the gate. As you can see above. It really is a love of brothers.

Miss Treacle was disappointed as she did not get to see her man. His wife did bend down and pat. In Miss Treacle’s eyes it was no where near the same, and she spent her time just standing about my legs trying not to be squashed by the boys. Who raced off down to the dam.

It must have rained a lot as on the way home there was a big worm crossing the road. I moved it to the verge to minimise it being lunch for so

Arriving back home just in time again before the rain hit and wind picked up even more. I finished making my chicken vegetable soup, it has carrots, peas, cauliflower, corn, onion, lots of garlic, ginger, some turmeric in it. Before I serve it for my dinner I will make some very simple egg dumplings. I beat two eggs, with enough flour so that it is gooey and mixed. I than add this to the soup and let the dumplings (with salt and pepper added to the mix) rise, let them cook for a few minutes one side, then I will turn them over. I did turn them too early and they broke. They still fluffed up and added to the dish.

It was a delectable meal and a wonderful way to end the day.

I do hope like me you are finding things to laugh about even in this times of uncertainty.

Blessings to you Tazzie

May 2, 2020 1

To Do or Not to Do

I am not encouraged to write lists by my psychologist as when I do they can become a fixation of all that is too do about here. Interesting not writing any list is actually achieving more than having lists. I see why my psychologist made this suggestion to me now.

Let me explain what I am beginning to understand happens for me when I compile a To-Do List. I write all I know that needs to be done for me to feel that my house, meets some unwritten expectation a standard of acceptable that is in my mind.

Then add to that expectation that is hidden, yes hidden deep in the recess of my brain my own quirky need to feel that the house is not completely finished until everything is alphabetised or colour co-ordinated. Wow heavy stuff there.

Not only can I begin to get a feeling why I am basically frozen in place in regard to getting the inside of my house completed, well lets be totally honest here begun. I totally understand where and why this compulsion to meet ‘OTHERS EXPECTIONS’ in what is ‘MEETING THE ACCEPTABLE STANDARD’ of how my house must be before visitors could ever come inside. Or I could possible be happy to live here.

Two things hit me in the face immediately having written this in black and white. Every time I have referred to where I live in relation to this is my house, and not my home. Ponder that for a bit…

Second thing where the hell and who declared that houses had to meet a standard of acceptable.

Family yep from my maternal side. Interestingly my Grandmother was a cleaner in Motels/Hotels for many years. (I have cleaned houses and government offices).
My mother has always been a snob. Her world was always about having only the best and she would struggle to save and get it, fair enough and then when my parents business grew successful it became a much bigger issue. It was also the times I guess too.
Both of my parents families were poor, and my parents worked incredibly hard to give us kids a very different life with opportunities they could never have had. I am exceedingly grateful for that.

The really interesting things I recall from my younger years is that both sets of Grandparents always seemed so much more content than my parents.

My fathers business was all about image. He lucked out with me I could not really care about how I look or appear. I did play the game for many years, until I realised that I was really miserable and dying inside. So in my 30s I began to live more a life I found was right for me.

I still struggled with my two worlds and the power of parental indoctrination and severe punishment towards me for not meeting these ‘unknown acceptable standards’ in how a house has to be have been a massive issue all through my life.

Strangely I could only begin to see this clearly once I stopped seeing and speaking to any of my family. That was not that long ago. It has empowered me and has been a huge part in my moving forward I know.

The time is right for me to let go of the shackles of indoctrination and it is not just from my family, but media, those home renovation shows, the how to be successful concepts, movies, and uuugh celebrities and stupid reality TV shows. Advertising real estate agents magazines the morning shows. Even shows where people are building their own homes create this expectation in I am sure not just me.

I know what and how my home is going to be one day. It will be clean but not sanatised, there will be dirty dishes in the sink, but just that mornings until I wash up after dinner. There will always be books and stuff by my chair where I sit, knitting or crochet projects near bye. Plants and seedlings growing on shelves and in windows, dog hair, dog toys and dog blankets about the place. My photographic items and my paint and drawing items, along with my meditation and relaxation items.

There may very well be some muddy doggy paw prints on the floor as you come in (if it has been raining). Your clothes if you visit will have dog hair on them when you leave.

It will not have a big screen TV or a incredible sound system (no judgement you make your home as you desire). It will most likely have bread or a bikkies ( biscuits/cookies) in the oven, a home made cake. Good coffee and tea, but very simple food. It will be eclectic what many would think of as bohemian, to weird to ‘um very individual’ it will be me.

You would not be stepping over stuff on the floor, or moving about things hoping you knock nothing off. As it is currently. I can live with how it is right now as I have but it is gnawing at me. There is an feeling of the time is coming to begin.

As I type that I feel tight in my chest and neck a bit nauseous. I know why I am reacting like this. I am growing more and more attuned to why my somatic symptoms occur in regard to my thoughts of the inside of my house.

It is not as over whelming to me these days, it bugs me,

There is a lot you may have seen hoarders homes on TV, mine is nowhere near as bad as many of them but it is medium level I feel. There are no tall piles of stuff. I did have a few spots where there were and over the past few months have been very mindful to just take some things out and put them in the bin. So they are gone. Brilliant.

My kitchen is perhaps the worst area it is pretty disgusting. No it is really disgusting. I am being honest here.

I did decide for some reason to bring all my clothes into the living area, and they had been sitting on the lounge for months. They are all clean. I would just wash my clothes and chuck them on the pile.

I decided last week to begin on the living room. I wanted to position my lounge so that I could see the view and watch the TV plus be fairly close to the fire, (I will need to redress this most likely but that is another story). So the clothes were put on the stairs, and I was going to fold them up. Well that did not happen, and so the clean clothes have been siting in a pile on the table and chairs oozing over onto the floor. But the lounge it clear and the dogs and I all can sit on it together. Priorities may be skewed to some of you, but this is my journey.

I did throw a few items of clothing away. Yeah! I also created a pile of clothes to mend. Sigh, I can mend them, but will I. I cant afford to buy new things and these mended clothes extend my choices. Stop StOP. do not think about that now.

Ooops I am begining to make lists, even here and then I tend towards over thinking and exhausting my brain as it all just becomes too much and I freeze again. We have come complete circle now and perhaps it is clear to some of you reading this that my mind works in a interesting manner.

I still have a sort of fluid list stored in my brain. It does not cause me distress or angst, and interestingly as I said in the beginning of this post, things are getting done.

I am proud today as I have noticed grass growing in several places of my guttering, for months today I decided it needed to be removed and I did it cleaning out the gutter and now the forecast heavy rain will not back up and flow over potentially into the house. I am smiling as I write this.

A simple and small step, as I keep moving forward. I have not walked today as I have been doing some things in the garden and the gutter in preparation for the heavy rain, I did take the dogs for a drive and they ran. I aim to go for a short walk up the hill. If I do not I will not beat myself up.

I am thankful that I will be able to relax now and not stress about potential damage from overflowing gutters. I am thankful for how much better I am feeling since following my routine of regular bed lights out time, exercise and eating healthier. I am thankful for the sunshine today. I am thankful that many of my seedlings on the deck are growing well and looking healthy. I am thankful for my physical health and the improvement in my mental health. I am thankful for clean air, clean fresh water, more than enough food to eat. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the ability to be warm and dry. I am thankful for all the insects and frogs in my garden. I am thankful to have seen some honey bees about the garden today. I am thankful for a reprieve from the wind. I am thankful for my neighbours, and you.

blessings Tazzie

April 28, 2020 2

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

April 25, 2020 21

Comfort eating. may be triggering

Comfort eating, and my CPTSD seem to go in hand in hand. I find it so easy when things hit me in the face and throw me backwards mentally or emotionally that I go shopping mindlessly and end up with a trolley full of sugar and chips. I have been working on it and up until recently this has been improving.

For example, I now buy 460ml of ice cream instead of a litre and eat all of that, with a small bar of chocolate you know the one strip bar. I would buy a small pack of chips. Where as before it would be the family block of chocolate and the big bag of chips and a litre of icecream. I would than go home and devour it all!!

The problem with this is the highly processed foods create the cycle of continuing to want them. So having just come through this comfort eating period and assessing what has worked for me most recently is to make things I enjoy at home.

When I am content and happy, doing stuff about the garden and a little in the house, (I am a recovering( slowly) hoarder(I no longer bring things into the house) so the house is a very slow work in progress and the garden is preferential but also um needing work.

I eat better and am far more conscious of nutrition. Yesterday, I was wanting something sweet, ( I do not have sugar in tea or coffee). When I am not anxious or triggered I am satiated much easier. The highly processed food after the first few mouthfuls does nothing, it just is something to do that I am unable to stop, and believe me I have tried every method to stop myself. It is just shoveling it in to fill a hole.

I have decided that I am not going to punish myself by not allowing myself to eat sweet food. Or salty food. I did that quite a while ago middle of last year. I have still had several episodes over that time where triggers have occurred that see me blindly go in and just buy junk food.

The impact of being annoyed at myself created me to me become bulimic, ( a fairly recent thing and not something I have shared with my psychologist or GP), which makes the whole situation worse. So now, I am aware and I try very hard to minimise the junk. Even when I do not as happened recently I just accept it, and look at what has kept the distance of these reactions to the triggers apart.

Me making a semolina pudding with brown sugar butter and milk, contains far less sugar and fat than in the ice cream, biscuits and chocolate I would buy. Having it when I have eaten a good nutrituous meal helps too and again I am content.

I have also found a wonderful thing called microwave mug cakes. Cake is one of my down falls, and this way I can make a home made cake and eat it all but it is only in a mug. Yes I do add delicious icing to it too. For example yesterday I made a lime (using limes off my tree) cake with coconut icing.

For brunch I had eggs on toast with a sausage and coleslaw I made with red cabbage a local carrot, and one of my apples. Delicious filling nutritious. Dinner was coleslaw and nuts with tomato (mine) on toast. I am having a hot chocolate with a teaspoon of my home made rosehip syrup in it. So delicious as I sit beside the fire with two dogs snoring. The rosehip syrup is sweet and it satiated my itch for a little sweetness today.

It is so hard when I am not well. As I do know what is best for me and what makes me function. The old retreat and overeat by self comforting is no longer what I want to be doing. I like knowing why I do, it you know having insight. I like that I have been able to adapt and make the choices smaller when I am triggered if I am able to. I am also OK when it is a full blow out and I am working on not punishing (throwing up) myself when I do either as it is really just another method of controlling my feelings and emotions.

I am not out for sympathy or rescuing please. I write these things down as it really helps me see my whole picture. Occasionally what I have shared has helped someone else. If sharing my own mental illness and journey honestly helps anyone for themselves or someone they love/know or care for, then that is good. I write though mainly for me, as often when I write, bells ring and things gain clarity.

The other positive in all of this is that I have now been walking my dogs all bar one day for two weeks. I have gone on one longer walk in that time, and my intention is to increase my walks to do the longer one at least twice a week. The interesting thing when You have dogs is that they get into a routine far quicker than you do. So now my guys make eyes at me when I am reluctant to go for a walk. They push all my buttons with their eyes, and rather than deal with that I get up out of the chair and we walk up the hill. We also go walking about the paddock everyday and about the house several times. So my phyiscal activity through walking has increased .

I am thankful for my dogs, for their needs outruling mine. I am thankful that I have insight in my mental illness and why I respond as I do. I am thankful that I have space, I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for my governments work in stopping the spread of the virus, I am thankful that I do not find being at home isolation bad. I am thankful for all I have, I am thankful to have this space to write. I am thankful to other bloggers whose blogs make me laugh, inspire me, awe me, provide challenges for me, evoke responses from me. Who share their skills and own life journeys.

blessings Tazzie

April 18, 2020 7

Lost in Isolation

How beautiful it is sitting listening to the rain falling on my tin roof, the wind blowing the trees and a fire burning in my wood heater.
There is snow on Kunanyi (Mt Wellington),

from the Summit camera on Kunani (Mount Wellington)

It feels like a winters day here today, 13dC/55.4dF. My CPSTD has been a bit all over the place as I had someone I do not want to have contact with be in touch. I have not responded to the message left. As this is how it is best for me to be well. Since breaking all ties with my family I have found a contentment I have not had since my partner died. He always loved me unconditionally and believed in me.
He saw how my family treated me. He supported me and was there unquestioning and lovingly when I interacted with them, trying to have a relationship with them. He was there to hug and reassure me when it all went to hell, eventually.

This out of the blue message not responded too, still has dropped my mood and seen me comfort eat uncontrollably. Naming that here helps me to acknowledge what I have been doing and lets me name and describe the emotions. I am angry that my needs have been disregarded as was discussed back in January. I am resentful that this intrusion still impacts me, and takes me to a place of disassociation. This is something I realised today, as I shoveled biscuits into my mouth. I have literally switched off and gone into a void. Aware of what I should be doing but not able to face it. This is part of the reason I like blogging, it helps me see in black and white and somehow my brain connects the OH moments and I usually can move forward again.

This happened five days ago, and now I can see how I really have just gone to my ‘reactive management of disassociation’ . Clarity is good to have now. I am engaging my brain and moving forward again, and not backwards. It would be simple to remain in the vague realm of lost time just slowly sinking down. I am not doing that, I will not do that. I am moving forward.

It is hard to stop the reactions that have been a lifetime response to stressors. Though I am delighted that I have insight (eventually ) into what has occurred. My child has been protecting me in the only way she knows and that it to comfort herself with food, and switch off. I am thankful she is there and takes over when I retreat. I love her for that, I need to work on letting her go and me to take over at these times. I am still very much a work in progress.

Insight is a such a valuable thing. It is also frustrating when you have it but you are unwell. I can not control as much as I would like my family/inlaw family messaging. I know they have concern at this strange time in the world. I realise too that my reaction is yet again a demonstration of how little regard is held for my needs even when explained in writting and the reasons why. So again my ability to control aspects of my needs have been hindered.

I have options I realise, I could get a new phone number that they do not have. I would not get any messages that way. Yet I know I can not do that. Because I do care about this particular part of my family. Weird as that might sound.

It is weird how somatic issues come into it too, my sleep changed,I feel nauseous when I think or recall the message. I have been working really diligently to establish a routine, I either go up to bed at 21:30 and read for a while, turning the light out at 22:30. Or I go up at 22:30 and straight to bed light off if I am on line or watching something. I am waking earlier, and have more motivation.

I have also been walking the dogs everyday instead of me driving and them walking. We even did a walk along the foreshore of the river over the Easter period. I have not walked them today it has been way too wet and windy. Busby is frightened by the wind and rain together. Since we got caught in a heavy hail wind storm at Triabunna last year.

Coming out of the vagueness of how I disassociate is like cataracts falling off my eyes, and my brains neurons firing back up and the lights coming back on. It is a good feeling. I am very thankful that I kept walking the dogs through this period.

My GP and Psychologist have both been encouraging me and working with me and my CPTSD, Depression and or Anxiety knows that routine, good sleep, exercise, along with a healthy diet all aid in improving our abilities to deal with triggers/stressors. For me I know it is the only way along with mindfulness work, meditation, and being thankful for all I do have are also huge things that enable me to be in a much less reactive manner.

The other thing I note is I give up on the house and even the garden when I am disassociating. New insights.
As I said I am still very much a work in progress and when I realise I have been triggered and reacted I am so very thankful that I am well enough now with insight to hopefully be able to begin to work through the reactivity of this situation. For me it looks so much like loss of control in my own life is one of the big things that keep coming up as triggers.

So that is why I have been lost in isolation. I am physically fine, if afraid to cough when I do go out. I live in the south of Tasmania, so fortunately am not in the area of Tasmania which has had two of its hospitals closed recently due to a fairly large pocket of Covid -19 positive workers which has meant that all the staff in these hospitals have been put into mandatory total lock down for two weeks. The patients from these hospitals have been moved to another hospital.
The hospitals are being cleaned by a specialty team of defence personnel and will be operated by defence nurses and doctors cleaners and admin people I imagine for the time required.

We have been told we will be in stay home stay safe mode for another four weeks at least with the exception of essential workers, essential shopping, and GP appointments.

I am still flawed by the number of vehicles I see drive by my home full of families out for a drive. Looking at the scenery. Do they stop for food? To put petrol in their car. A toilet stop? A drink? Do they realise that they potentially could be carriers. Or have this illness and not know it yet? What is so hard to follow the instructions Stay Home and Stay Safe. The other issue I have is what if they have an accident, more pressure on first attendants, and ambulance workers. I really do not get these parents at all!

I am not going to get into that anymore, enough I can hear my fire crackling and I am looking out the window at the trees moving in the wind. It looks to have stopped raining for a bit.

My dogs are both asleep. Miss Treacle is snoring softly and Busby is curled up on his bean bag quiet. Both with full tummies. We are all well warm, dry and once again content with being at home, safe.

I am thankful for the rain, for my dogs, for a roof over my head, a warm fire and a cup of hot tea and food. I am thankful to have warm shoes and clothes. I am thankful to never need to say I am bored. I am thankful that for me being in self isolation is OK. I am thankful to all essential workers, I am thankful to all those people around the world who are doing the right thing as hard as it may be for many of you to self isolate. To keep others safe, as well as your self and your families. I am thankful to be out of my disassociation.

blessings Tazzie

April 17, 2020 7

Isolation, dogs, and CPTSD

The end of day light saving always seems to throw my CPTSD into a strange place I am so out of routine. It does seem quite strange that a simple change of one hour backwards is creating something that I am not able to define it is just I feel flatter and know I must work harder to re-establish my routine.

Awareness of the potential to decline when I do not follow my routine is beneficial. Even when I am staying up late at night or into the very small hours of the morning, and then sleep for only 3-4 hours becomes a part of it. This morning Tuesday, I realised that I have been doing so I have to really REALLY work at going to bed at a time I know that makes me feel so much better. I do find for me the moment I begin to stay up later even an hour is the beginning and I now am aware of my pattern and intend to work at this by going to bed between 21:00 and 21:30 reading for a while and then switching my light off no later than 22:30. I do enjoy rising early and seeing the sun come up in Autumn and Winter.

Living on my own with no input from anyone else in regard to my routine sees many signs of how I may be moving back towards the hole I have been climbing out of over the last 18months. My routine is that I must shower every second day. I have noted this week I am up to day 3 and head for the shower. Why does it always feel so incredibly amazing when I step into the hot shower and wash my hair and body. I need to hold onto the feeling that lovely feeling almost as if along with the dirt my darkness goes swirling down the plug hole.

This morning I woke early before 7am but as I had not gone to bed until after 03.00 I had a headache. I also woke in the middle of one of the very realistic dreams I have as a result of the medication I am. These often leave me feeling bewildered and out of touch with myself for a while. At least until I have my first cup of coffee.

I came down stairs and do what I have done every day for the last 3 months put the TV on and sat listening to all the ‘News” about the Pandemic. This seems to be the routine that has become normal. As I made something to eat, the sun was shining in through my kitchen windows, the sky was blue for the first time in a week almost. I thought to myself why am I going to sit and watch the news inside when I could go out side in the sunshine and watch the birds bathe, and the sunlight hitting the trees and water of the river.

I went and sat outside. Sigh a very simple change. As I sat I realised that I still have some seedlings I need to find space for along with garlic and sweet peas to sow in the garden. I finished my coffee and my dogs who were outside with me came with me as I filled the bird bath. I put the new hose gun on my hose(the old one did not let me turn the water off as I moved about the garden anymore). I did both of these things. I then gathered the seedlings and the garlic with no idea where I was going to put them. I just began putting them in spaces that receive most of the sun in the vegetable garden for the garlic and then popping the seedlings about other beds.
I am also filling another metal bed I have had sitting about for a few years in its box. It is so deep that it will take a lot to fill it. I have manure, leaves, non productive mushroom compost. I do hope it will be enough.

I will also be moving a second similar bed into the veggie garden area that is near my water tanks as the things I have planted in it have not been successful as it is not in the sun enough. That will wait for another day. It is on my list along with so much this Autumn and Winter.

The sun began to be clouded out, and I popped the sweet peas seeds in pots about my deck. I also planted a few more lettuce mignonette variety in a couple of places. Along with several more cauliflower and cabbage seedlings. I have so many I am just basically putting them everywhere and hoping some will be productive.

I had sat my new mushroom compost outside over the last few days to get moist and hopefully produce more mushrooms for free. I did pick some oyster mushrooms off one of the packs on Sunday. Today (Tuesday) I have put them back in the set up that is part fence and part mushroom house.

I noted that my Mock Orange plant which I had put in a large black plastic pot had gone berserk at the front of the house. Blocking my light and visibility of my driveway. So I have no pruned that and will move the pot. I did not realise it was such a fast grower. I did not get many blossoms and there bye the perfume from them this year as it was not in enough sunlight.

I just am not sure where I will move it too.

All this was done and I had been pottering about the garden for about 2 hours. So much better than sitting watching news. I am self isolating, only going out for essentials. We have been told we are not to travel or go away to shacks. Many people in Tasmania have a holiday cottage or house in beach side communities where they will go for their holidays, they are known as shacks. We are to stay in our primary residence over Easter and the police will be out patrolling and checking. This is primarily that along with the holiday shacks many elderly retirees live permanently in these areas. We are also no longer allowed to visit any one in hosptials . As we have at least two known cases of community transmission to employees in one of our Northern hospitals. The Government has not been able to ascertain how these employees have contracted the virus. We also wait to see if any more people who have been in contact with two people holidaying in Tasmania on an organised bus tour in March come down with the virus.

Back to routine. the sun came out and the dogs and I actually went for a walk up the hill and back. Not me driving and they running. This is day four. I was sitting here, writing about my routine. I know that for people with CPSTD normally exercise is very important. In the current situation we are all living in here in Tasmania it is even more important for me. So I got up from my chair and we walked. My neighbours who have been in Quarantine, as they had been on the mainland, were allowed out today. I thought it was tomorrow. My mistake. This meant our dogs could play. Busby and Toby(yes another Toby) were so excited and delighted.

Returning home the sun was out again so I laid in it to get some vitamin D. Another very important need especially with helping our immune systems. I take regular vitamin D especially during Autumn and Winter.

blessings to you all Tazzie

April 10, 2020 3

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