The following post may be triggering to some. If you wish to share this or any part of the following post you must acknowledge that the writing below is the opinion and comment of Tazzie Gee at https://echidna.home.blog/ .
The following is my response to another bloggers Post. All information on Martys blog is at the end of my post.
“What incredible research and statistics. My partner and I tried to be as honest and open in all areas of our relationship. Yet I feel as being his third long term partner, and one after a relationship with a woman who treated him terribly, our honesty and respect unconditional love and not fearing how our words would be taken wrongly allowed us to have a very deep level of love.
My partner had had prostate cancer and this impacted his ability at times, he was deeply ashamed of this. Worried how I would react. We were totally open about it. things improved greatly and he shared that with me he never felt in adequate or a need to perform.
I feel so little real information is shared honestly and openly about sex. The crap that is written in magazines and on TV in movies many books. Expectations and that it will be wonderful. The shame of body image. Aging, odours, natural odours that have the pheromones being sanatised and destroyed by chemicals.
The pornogrpahy industry showing ridiculous situations fantasies, and all that goes with it. Fictional and not reality but often the only way many see the sexual act displayed. Sigh.
Sex and sexuality, expectation and reality. Not being honest, not communicating about what you like, and how before you marry or commit to a relationship with someone who may not really be on the same page or need as you are in the sex department.
I know that my partner and I were very very lucky but we did work very hard at communicating and not judging. When he became ill with his cancer, he told me it would be OK if I had sex with someone else I told him how touched and appreciated I was by his very kind words. I told him it meant a lot to me but he meant more and I knew at this point in his life if I did that even with his blessing it would hurt him. I also told him that I was quite happy if I needed to to masturbate, something he quite enjoyed being present for. lol he found it fascinating.
I feel sex is one thing but a sexual relationship and a commitment to being a couple goes deeper than sex. Many women find masturbation satisfies them better than sex with their partner. Have they shared it with their partner maybe not.
I am a very open and willing person in relationships within reason and my being in charge of my situation(not sure that makes sense) So if any person I was in a relationship with say went off and had sex with say a paid sex worker or an affair. I would much prefer that it was a safe hygiene where the sex worker was not taken advantage off, but a ‘professional’ than if the person had an affair. Firstly I would want to know why my partner had done this, and what I was not willing to do to satisfy the need. If I was nt willing but the person told me and still needed that to help then it would be to me no different to other therapies that help people cope. It is a business transaction, not emotional. If it was an affair, why? would I want the person still to be in my life if they did not want to be with me, I dont think so. As I age Sex is important but it is such a transient thing dependent on so many things. Both parties feeling like it at the same moment, weariness, children, stress, work, finances, body image, making noise and disturbing neighbours, having different desires (consenting adults ones) comfort levels, education regarding sex. some people seeing it as a necessity but not enjoyable, other loving it. Not feeling satisfied by it. feeling inadequate.
It is really a tragedy that so much is put upon sex in a relationship. If you are really having such incredible issues in regard to your partners sexual needs (as long as they are in regard to consensual adults) than perhaps love is not what you have but a dream of what you thought it would be.
I believe you have to be honest before committing to live with someone. Be honest with yourself too. If you can not communicate about sex, openly with the person that might be a red flag.
I have never been married as I see it as a institution by the religious organisations to keep woman powerless and certainly in our history as chattels and owned by their spouses. Even now many religious services continue to have obey for the woman to say to the man but not the other way.
When in fact what you enter into is a a business of sorts. You are supposed to be today a partnership equal(cough cough choke choke)
Relationships like any business takes a lot of work, communication and give and take. Understanding of differences, and respect from both parties. No one owns the other person and or control anyone else. No one is better or worse. But sadly that is not what seems to be reality.
Marriages /relationships evolve over time, change heaps from the early days. My parent who did divorce, told us their children when we were all still a family, that imagine the person you think you are in love with is throwing up or has diarrhea and you have to help them. That they have an injury and can no longer have sex. Or their looks are disfigured would you stop loving them.
My way is not going to be anyone else’s way. We had trust, openness, respect, honesty,
We fought, we would work through the reasons we fought after wards, and we both learnt we were not mind readers. Accepting our minds thinking process, expectations understanding, cultural, age, gender and family upbringing along with our ideology of what our relationship would be was one of unconditional love. along with lots of laughter and communication and not the sort of we need to have a chat. Neither of us were uptight about sex.
Now my partner is dead (10 Years ) his legacy is I doubt I will have another relationship of live in, I know what I need and sex is not the most important thing in any real relationship as time goes bye. The thing I miss most is touch, the little touches that a couple have just in the day to day life, and laughter.
My partner and I were together 11 years, our actual time together was different to most couples in that I worked two nights a week, and stayed in Hobart to sleep on the day in between. Apart from that we were together five days a week. So we spent a lot more time together in our 11 years than most couples do who work five or more days/nights a week.
With exceptions of our personal activities. We never were concerned if one of us went to something with out the other. In fact we encouraged each other as enjoying our own time and hobbies social support friends and community involvement in my mind made us more appreciative of all we had as a couple. As we had very different interests and did not necessarily enjoy the social aspects that the other did.
I was not HIS and he was not MINE. We were two adults and our commitment was strong, yet we both knew having had relationships in the past they evolve, things happen and feelings can change. We committed that we were free to leave our relationship as long as we were honest and not angry. We both knew from past experiences there are feelings and changes we had known that indicate it might not be the best relationship to be in. My partner had been physically abused in one marriage, and his wife in his second had an affair with his best friend. In other relationships for both of us there was far more of us giving to the other party, and receiving very little from the other them.
You can not CHANGE ANYONE except yourself. If you are in a relationship and feel you can or are with someone and feel I can make her/him different. You can not. This would be an alarm to me.
I know there are people who manipulate others out there, by being someone very different in the beginning of a relationship and then once the other party has committed to she/he they change completely. DING DING DING, would be in my head. Yet I know for some people out there hope, love, and desire for the person they fell in love with abound to keep them in the relationship.
He /she is only like this when they drink, or take drugs. This will all impact on how you the other party feel and act, how sexual and sensual relationships are between you. How you work through the issues. If you can even bring up the issues. You can not change them, though they will change you by all sorts of ways. GET OUT TALK to someone and leave this person.
I do not have children, but my parents divorced and it took tooo long for them to do it. They waited until the youngest was in their mind old enough 15. I nannied children of divorce who were 4 & 5 and another family 7, 9, 3 It impacts us kids no matter what age it occurs. For me at 15 it seemed just as hard even though I understood the reasons they were divorcing, I had also witnessed the fights, the not coming home, heard the tears, and had the words of anger and betrayal about one party from the other. Yet these were both my parents whom I loved. It would have been better as a child not to have had to endure the years of all the pain and suffering both parties put on the other and us.
(added) Fear is often what is stopping us leaving a relationship. How will I manage, how will the kids be, what might my partner do. As hard as it is to leave surely it is so much harder to remain in a place that has little or no happiness, joy, respect, unconditional love. Pain violence, threats intimidation, abuse, being controlled in any manner are not a loving partnership relationship.
If you can not tell your boy/girl friend, partner/spouse that you are not happy with how they touch you during sex, or what you enjoy, that you love them and having sex with them is wonderful but if they can not bring you to orgasm and masturbation can especially self. This should not be a bad thing where any partner feels embarrassed or shamed. For some of us out there it is the way it is sexually and it is OKay.
It does not mean the other party is a failure or incompetent. It can be a time for sharing how to help each other receive the pleasure.
Some people do not enjoy sex, but enjoy the intimacy holding hugs and kissing. Having sex should not be seen in my view as a given in any situation.
If you are forced by your girl/boy friend to do something that makes you uncomfortable that is wrong. Very wrong against the law in fact. If you believe you are in love no one who loved you in return would treat you in this manner.
If you can never see yourself as being OK with any activity between consenting adults in your relationship than the person you believe yourself to be in love with will assuredly go in search of this from some other source.
Sex is part of life, and we must all be able to say what we enjoy, want and need without fear or any other form of emotional, physical, financial abuse.
As long as it is with consenting adults. (any other form is NOT NEVER OK) !
I would like to add to this, that it is perfectly OK to not want to be in a sexual relationship or any. No one has to live with anyone or marry anyone today. Happy ever afters take huge amounts of effort giving and taking by both parties, and understanding honest, open, discussions about your sexual likes dislikes.
This was my response to the post on Marty’s https://ptsdawayout.com/ See below Martys blog C PSTD A mindful way to heal.
https://ptsdawayout.com/2020/09/18/how-betrayal-trauma-manifests-itself/ How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself.
Marty’s ” blog is designed for daily support of complex PTSD. Our attitudes and daily effort will determine our misery or happiness going forward.” as this is also my mantra for my own healing from CPSTD (complex post traumatic Stress Disorder) I find his blog so encouraging and informative with other people who are on the way to managing positively and healing from CPTSD.
Blesssings to You, Tazzie