Tag: routine

Being Content in My Discontent

I have been working so hard the last few days to not get bogged down with all that is going on in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for all I have and for where I live. It kind of feels like I am not really a part of the rest of the world.

My valley in the southern part of Tasmania (island state of Australia), in fact the whole state I live in has been incredibly fortunate in regards to Covid and the Delta variety especially. I am halfway vaccinated and will receive my second dose in a few days. It feels inevitable that the Delta strain will reach its tentacles to our island and the valley at some point.

It would be so very easy right now for me to be saying why why why, Busby my large dog has torn his cruciate Ligament, and having had a previous experience with the surgery and recovery of another dog I am reluctant to put him through this surgery. Right now he is basically on house rest, lol lock down I guess. He is not in pain as he is on a once a week for four weeks injection and another medication a syrup that is for inflammation and also helps relax him. Cost is certainly a huge issue, instead I am looking at the success rate of braces for stablising the joint.

My plumbing needs some work in the kitchen and I have still have a leak that needs to re-repaired as the previous repairer made it worse.
My stove has stopped working because mice have made a home in it and taken all the insulation out making it too dangerous to use. (rural stoves hot plates and oven all in one are supposed to be sealed to prevent this). The hot plate is usable thankful for that and I purchased an Instant pot/air fryer which has been the best kitchen item I have purchased in years. Especially if you are a family of one or two. Mine is 8 litres (quarts?) which sounds large however it gives me food to freeze or eat over a few days. I love doing a roast in it. It slow cooks and is a pressure cooker, sadly not suitable for doing canning. The window frames need sanding, undercoating and painting. My car needs new tyres and a service.
Instead of wallowing or allowing myself to fixate and sink back I am looking instead at being thankful for the fact I have a car that is working, I have a solid roof over my head with a small leak, Busby is happyish (not being able to play with his best friend Toby up the road is really hard for him but he is doing well so I am grateful for that.

Mice have invaded my home, its not unusual in the countryside in winter, but add to that my hoarding issues they are so damn hard to get rid of. I am not going to use any poison as we used to have owls but a couple of years ago my neighbour and I both used poison and sure got rid of the pests but also the owls it seems. I also worry my chooks might eat one mouse that is poisoned.
I have captured many in peanut butter baited traps, and I have an electric one that was also baited with peanut butter. The bait had gone but no mouse. I am weirdly grateful in a way, to the best of my ability at present I have been removing stuff out of the house.
I took boxes and electronic waste to the tip where the e-waste went in a special bin but the books were sadly found by the mice so they were put in the paper recycling. These were books my partner had and they were second or third hand as he rarely purchased new books. It had taken me 11 years to remove the books from the house. I am so pleased I have accomplished these two things.

It is impossible to describe to anyone who really has not any comprehension or understanding of what being a hoarder is like. I hate it, I don’t want to live like this yet I am moving forward as now instead of fleeing the house, and calling it the house, I am content in my discontent. I have been talking with my psychologist regularly through out the time I was not blogging. I also was not following my routine. This is always a symptom of my discontent.

What I am finding really hard right now is that I am not depressed I know I am not. Yet I feel a bit like when your car battery is going flat. You know when the engine does not turn but tries too and you keep trying to get it too but it does not and you end up flattening the battery completely. I feel like my mind and body connection are in that situation. I keep trying and begin something finishing it or get distracted by something else it remains incomplete.

So now my Psychologist is feeling that I now my depression and even my anxiety are more stable she feels it may be ADHD. She would like my GP to refer me to the Psychiatrist again. When she shared this I dissociated I basically blacked out…which on a zoom call where I am on my own was worrying for her. I was not out for very long I was able to bring myself back and emailed her to let her know. I know why this happened as when I was going for the Disabilty pension the original psychiatrist wanted me to take medication for ADHD (I could not get the script filled so he became frustrated with me and would not see me anymore, I was at the point in my illness to give it a try ). The whole situation with this psychiatrist was horrible he never called me by the right name and would ask me how my job was going. I had not worked for several years at the time I was seeing him. Now I need to see a psychiatrist again. It brings ups emotions however instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed I am saying to myself look at where you are now to where you were then, I am so thankful for that, I am also content with the discontent.

Each day I aim to complete one thing. On top of my routine. For example today I went in the garden for a while and was looking at one of my fruit trees where grass was encroaching. I began to pull the grass out as I did the temperature dropped and I was going to go inside. Instead I completed the task. It did not take long I came inside and had a shower. I made myself a meal and was content even though I sit surrounded by mess.

As hard as it has been to become content with my home/financial/personal issues I am happier. I am achieving things as slowly as it may be and the people who may say just get up and do it/your are just lazy take me back to the beginning of this post. No one who has never experienced mental illness/hoarding will have not understanding or comprehension of the reality of living like this.
I DO NOT WANT TOO LIVE LIKE THIS. BUt right now as I improve I am content with my discontent.

I am grateful for not being ill physically, I am for clean air, rain, full rain water tanks. For being able to budget for bigger costs. I am grateful that I continue to move forward no matter how miniscule the distance.



blessings to You, Tazzie

2

Homesteading its not always simple.

I have harvested some potatoes that I was growing in containers. Whilst the weight of the harvest has been reasonable for my first try. I have been disappointed with the size. Small to mini potatoes. I have harvest about 3kgs only. Looking at weight of seed potatoes I planted was just under 1kg, It is at least a gain. I have planted more in one container, and from reviewing my method of care feel I may not have watered them enough. Time will tell.

The top left photo looked promising with potatoes. This is the third pot I had dug on the right is the actual volume of potatoes.
The two photos below are of potatoes harvested from two larger black pots a few days before. I did get two OK sized ones. They will be delicious and yes I am disappointed as I said. It is a learning curve. If anyone has any suggestions I am happy for input.


I was working on my deck and noticed a hen jump over the vegetable garden fence, it sort of looked like Fried, I had to turn the hose of and grab some shoes. I could not see a hen anywhere. I have in there for when Miss Treacle comes in to be with me but gets too hot. She goes in digs a shallow dip and lays in the shade coolness, as I work.
I had looked for her there ages ago but this time I found her. She was right up in the back and it was only that I had a torch with me I think I could see her this time.. I was so happy that she was alive!.

I then checked under her,

She was sitting on 20 eggs. She was just managing to cover. I was not sure how long she has been there. So I am not sure how old some of the eggs are. I looked at my chicken coop and my little coop I have used to have a Mamma Hen sit on her eggs and care for her very young chicks.

I have had to come to a difficult decision and that is for the sake of the chicks and Frieda as well as myself I needed to cull the eggs. So yesterday I removed half of them. Nine of which were fertile. I must say Frieda looked at me as I took the eggs, she then looked at the ones she had near her. She looked at me and settled so much easier on the greatly reduced number of eggs. There is of course a possibility that more eggs will not be fertile. Having examined the eggs I removed I feel that she has probably a week to go before any begin to hatch. However I am no expert. I understand many of you may feel that this is horrible and cruel. Yet this is the reality of homesteading. I imagine I would have buyers of them in 20 weeks if they were mostly females for point of lay hens. I would still have to cull roosters (and will have to regardless as I can only have one rooster in my coop). Roopert is loud and frustrating but he is a wonderful rooster caring for his girls and obviously good father material.

I had no real desire to have chicks this year. My small coop needs some work so tomorrow I will be fixing it up if I have the things I need otherwise it will be Monday. I shall then move Frieda and her eggs to the new single Mamma’s Home Coop. It is in the chook run. This is so that the other hens and Roopert will hear and eventually see the chicks. I have put the chick mix to help reduce risk of Coccidiosis (I do not use the medicated one but one that is more herbs based. As Frieda is not laying eggs now she does not need the same food and she can eat this mix. As it is also not a ‘medicated’ mix her eggs when she begins laying again can be eaten. Normally you can not eat eggs from a hen that has eaten the medicated chick feed. for several weeks.

I am growing a bit clucky myself and look forward to having little chicks about. I love how the Mamma talks to them and settles them. How they race about and she teaches them all they need to know. Fingers crossed Frieda is a good Mamma.

So my little homestead is growing.

My meal worms have all become beetles and now I wait for them to lay eggs and worms to happen. It is not a fast process.

My worm farm is doing really well too.

Wallabies are being kept out of the chicken run at evening time I accidentally locked one in one night and it was very eager to leave when I arrived in the morning. I terrified the poor guy even more trying to get it out of the gate.


We have had a lot of humid weather and more storms and heavy rain. In the north of Tasmania flooding was happening, whilst in Western Australia over 80 homes were lost in bush fires. We are a harsh country.
The weather has really played havoc with my veggie garden and nearly everyone I know who is only growing tomatoes outside is finding they are ripening very slowly.
It is an extremely strange summer here.

Though as I sit here typing the sun is just going down and we have a very long dusk. There is not a cloud in the sky and very strange to see is the green grass on the hills across the river. It is February our hottest month usually and people are ordering water tracks as tanks can get low. Instead my tanks are overflowing and there is green grass. Some of my wattles are flowering again peculiar. If it is not climate change Mr Morrison (Australia’s Prime Minister who does not believe in it) what is it?

I am eating mostly with improvement, I am probably doing half of my routine. The walking the dogs instead of me driving and them running is not happening. I have been blaming it on humidity or heat. I do walk them when we are in towns. Just not the daily walk. Showering is going well and going to bed is much better all with improvement to be made. I am happy though as I am feeling on the whole better and not beating myself up at all. I am moving forward.

I have potted up some Autumn veggies in containers on the deck and some flowers. Reorganising, feeding and rearranging the deck garden. I will share more about the deck and veggie garden soon.

I began clearing out the car port, that continues. I still have to move more of last years wood so I have room for this years delivery.

I am thankful that Frieda is alive. I am thankful that I am managing my CPTSD better than I was last post, I am thankful I am mindful of my triggers, I am thankful for full water tanks, I am thankful we have had no cases of Covid-19 here in Tasmania for ages and life is fairly good here. I think of those in WA who are now homeless. I think of those who live in Melbourne and are back in total lockdown again, and for others around the world.

I hear Roopert crowing goodnight, I too shall take my leave.

Blessings to You. Tazzie

9

Morning Walk

I really have lost track of how long it has been now since we have been in isolation/lock down here in Tasmania. I have said before that as someone with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), it has not been a huge change from normal life.

What has changed is my routine, and going for a walk with my dogs every day. Some days we do more walks or a longer walk. I am fortunate to have such a great area and road where my dogs can be off lead.
It was a wild stormy night apparently. I heard nothing sleeping soundly until 07:00 am approx. My dogs stay in bed and join me when they are ready.

I feel beginning our walk with a bit of a rainbow was a good start, and water was lying about everywhere, along with wild fungi and mushrooms that are popping up about the road and my place.

I am trying to bring something new to the photos I do take on our walk as of late it has been the same one for some time.

Busby had run ahead as he usually does as he hopes to see Toby and today he was not disappointed. I was calling him back when my neighbours wife called out and said hang on. Toby by this point had said hi to Busby through the fence and than all three dogs raced up to the gate. As you can see above. It really is a love of brothers.

Miss Treacle was disappointed as she did not get to see her man. His wife did bend down and pat. In Miss Treacle’s eyes it was no where near the same, and she spent her time just standing about my legs trying not to be squashed by the boys. Who raced off down to the dam.

It must have rained a lot as on the way home there was a big worm crossing the road. I moved it to the verge to minimise it being lunch for so

Arriving back home just in time again before the rain hit and wind picked up even more. I finished making my chicken vegetable soup, it has carrots, peas, cauliflower, corn, onion, lots of garlic, ginger, some turmeric in it. Before I serve it for my dinner I will make some very simple egg dumplings. I beat two eggs, with enough flour so that it is gooey and mixed. I than add this to the soup and let the dumplings (with salt and pepper added to the mix) rise, let them cook for a few minutes one side, then I will turn them over. I did turn them too early and they broke. They still fluffed up and added to the dish.

It was a delectable meal and a wonderful way to end the day.

I do hope like me you are finding things to laugh about even in this times of uncertainty.

Blessings to you Tazzie



1

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

21

Isolation, dogs, and CPTSD

The end of day light saving always seems to throw my CPTSD into a strange place I am so out of routine. It does seem quite strange that a simple change of one hour backwards is creating something that I am not able to define it is just I feel flatter and know I must work harder to re-establish my routine.

Awareness of the potential to decline when I do not follow my routine is beneficial. Even when I am staying up late at night or into the very small hours of the morning, and then sleep for only 3-4 hours becomes a part of it. This morning Tuesday, I realised that I have been doing so I have to really REALLY work at going to bed at a time I know that makes me feel so much better. I do find for me the moment I begin to stay up later even an hour is the beginning and I now am aware of my pattern and intend to work at this by going to bed between 21:00 and 21:30 reading for a while and then switching my light off no later than 22:30. I do enjoy rising early and seeing the sun come up in Autumn and Winter.

Living on my own with no input from anyone else in regard to my routine sees many signs of how I may be moving back towards the hole I have been climbing out of over the last 18months. My routine is that I must shower every second day. I have noted this week I am up to day 3 and head for the shower. Why does it always feel so incredibly amazing when I step into the hot shower and wash my hair and body. I need to hold onto the feeling that lovely feeling almost as if along with the dirt my darkness goes swirling down the plug hole.

This morning I woke early before 7am but as I had not gone to bed until after 03.00 I had a headache. I also woke in the middle of one of the very realistic dreams I have as a result of the medication I am. These often leave me feeling bewildered and out of touch with myself for a while. At least until I have my first cup of coffee.

I came down stairs and do what I have done every day for the last 3 months put the TV on and sat listening to all the ‘News” about the Pandemic. This seems to be the routine that has become normal. As I made something to eat, the sun was shining in through my kitchen windows, the sky was blue for the first time in a week almost. I thought to myself why am I going to sit and watch the news inside when I could go out side in the sunshine and watch the birds bathe, and the sunlight hitting the trees and water of the river.

I went and sat outside. Sigh a very simple change. As I sat I realised that I still have some seedlings I need to find space for along with garlic and sweet peas to sow in the garden. I finished my coffee and my dogs who were outside with me came with me as I filled the bird bath. I put the new hose gun on my hose(the old one did not let me turn the water off as I moved about the garden anymore). I did both of these things. I then gathered the seedlings and the garlic with no idea where I was going to put them. I just began putting them in spaces that receive most of the sun in the vegetable garden for the garlic and then popping the seedlings about other beds.
I am also filling another metal bed I have had sitting about for a few years in its box. It is so deep that it will take a lot to fill it. I have manure, leaves, non productive mushroom compost. I do hope it will be enough.

I will also be moving a second similar bed into the veggie garden area that is near my water tanks as the things I have planted in it have not been successful as it is not in the sun enough. That will wait for another day. It is on my list along with so much this Autumn and Winter.

The sun began to be clouded out, and I popped the sweet peas seeds in pots about my deck. I also planted a few more lettuce mignonette variety in a couple of places. Along with several more cauliflower and cabbage seedlings. I have so many I am just basically putting them everywhere and hoping some will be productive.

I had sat my new mushroom compost outside over the last few days to get moist and hopefully produce more mushrooms for free. I did pick some oyster mushrooms off one of the packs on Sunday. Today (Tuesday) I have put them back in the set up that is part fence and part mushroom house.

I noted that my Mock Orange plant which I had put in a large black plastic pot had gone berserk at the front of the house. Blocking my light and visibility of my driveway. So I have no pruned that and will move the pot. I did not realise it was such a fast grower. I did not get many blossoms and there bye the perfume from them this year as it was not in enough sunlight.

I just am not sure where I will move it too.

All this was done and I had been pottering about the garden for about 2 hours. So much better than sitting watching news. I am self isolating, only going out for essentials. We have been told we are not to travel or go away to shacks. Many people in Tasmania have a holiday cottage or house in beach side communities where they will go for their holidays, they are known as shacks. We are to stay in our primary residence over Easter and the police will be out patrolling and checking. This is primarily that along with the holiday shacks many elderly retirees live permanently in these areas. We are also no longer allowed to visit any one in hosptials . As we have at least two known cases of community transmission to employees in one of our Northern hospitals. The Government has not been able to ascertain how these employees have contracted the virus. We also wait to see if any more people who have been in contact with two people holidaying in Tasmania on an organised bus tour in March come down with the virus.

Back to routine. the sun came out and the dogs and I actually went for a walk up the hill and back. Not me driving and they running. This is day four. I was sitting here, writing about my routine. I know that for people with CPSTD normally exercise is very important. In the current situation we are all living in here in Tasmania it is even more important for me. So I got up from my chair and we walked. My neighbours who have been in Quarantine, as they had been on the mainland, were allowed out today. I thought it was tomorrow. My mistake. This meant our dogs could play. Busby and Toby(yes another Toby) were so excited and delighted.

Returning home the sun was out again so I laid in it to get some vitamin D. Another very important need especially with helping our immune systems. I take regular vitamin D especially during Autumn and Winter.

blessings to you all Tazzie

3

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