panic attack – Echidna Home

One of the hardest things for me is to leave my dogs at home when I have to go somewhere. It happens rarely if it is going to be a hot day and it is not safe to leave them in the car, it is raining heavily and I can’t leave the windows down or it is stormy with wind. Today was going to be warm, humid, stormy and windy. All things that Busby would not deal with in the car. I made the choice to leave them at home.

I almost cance

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I have had anxiety since I was in my teens that I am aware of, it may have been earlier but I do not have any recollection. I developed depression in my early twenties. I first tried to kill myself when I was 22.

Most people will be aware of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) but many people will not have heard of CPTSD.

It differs from PTSD in that instead of one traumatic event that impacts a person. The person, with CPTSD has had this occur in early childhood, and had repeated and long term trauma/s.

I explain this because I have certainly found myself having to explain and justify, why I am not able to work, enough times to make me annoyed.

When I can go out and basically all I do manage these days is shopping, once a week usually, appointments and my dogs exercise. (not sounding so healthy that Tazzie).

I have insight and know I am perhaps borderline Agrophobic. Why am I writing about this today? Whilst I really enjoy being at home and I am content at home, I do have anxiety sometimes and panic attacks , not as bad as some people. Mine tend to have me itching, hot and sweating ,heart racing and red in the face and neck. Perhaps not what most people would see as a panic attack.

I went to see a new Psychiatrist today; as the one I was seeing decided he did not want to see me any longer. I do not think he liked some of my comments to him about his not hearing me, or understanding the reality of my rural life, and my concerns over going on Ritalin. Having been a nurse I always check out any Doctor (no not just google but on reserch and journal articles, if they are affiliated with a university what the professional descriptions states.
I am not intimidated by any Doctor. I was a Registered Nurse and Had specialist Post Grad degree in Mental Health Nursing so will speak my mind. A doctor who hears ME and sees ME as an individual rather than seeming to have his or her own agenda, is upfront direct and honest. I will respect him or her.

I needed to see a psychiatrist as my Psychologist (who is not a Clinical Psychologist) and my GP both feel that the chances of me working or volunteering (which I have attempted unsecessfuly ) successfully in the foreseeable future is Nil. They agree I need to be applying for the Disability Pension.

For that I need to have an assessment and a letter from Clinical Psychologist or a Psychiatrist. Which is why I have been and am seeing a Psychiatrist.

So I saw the previous mentioned psychiatrist for 5 months the medication (other than the Ritalin) he prescribed me has helped my cognitive function so much that I almost feel my brain is back. The side effects are not wonderful sleeping to much for periods and than not enough, weird bizarre dreams so real that I wake up and have to remember it was a dream. These I am prepared to live with.

I was so anxious this morning as I was due to see the new psychiatrist. I was not going to allow him to change my medication as I feel the best I have apart from the a fore mentioned things. I nearly canceled, because I was going alone and I was running a few minutes late on the hour drive, which was good as it did take my mind of everything except paying attention to the road and not speeding or driving stupidly. I got there. I did not have time to think about my dogs for the next hour .

He was brilliant. He really listened to me, (even though the connection was breaking up at times). It is done by Skype in my GPs office. I have to see her afterward otherwise I could have my appointment at home. This psychiatrist suggested Melatonin for helping me to sleep. It will depend how much this costs as it is not on the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme. PBS (government subsidy for low income earners, people with disabilities, chronic illness, pensioners pay $6.60Aus for any script on the list).

He was also supportive of my application for the Disability Pension Scheme which means that when I receive his letter I will finally be able to apply for this. If I am successful it will mean I no longer have to deal with Centrelink and Newstart! I will not have to go to the Job Provider Network for a review, and potentially be made to again do volunteering. Or look for work. That will be a relief . It would also mean a big increase in my fortnightly payment.

We chatted about quite a bit in this hour, and he was concerned about my not leaving my home and whilst he said because I was doing a positive thing in making myself go shopping and have coffee and talking to people. I was possibly borderline for Agrophobia. I have thought about that since arriving home and he is onto something. I need to be really aware of this. I need to keep doing what I am and also consider adding another small thing. To keep me from closing off totally.

Sometimes it takes other eyes to see something that you have been aware of but to actually voice it back to you as potentially detrimental.

The problem now lies in dealing with the process of applying and ticking all the boxes crossing every t and dotting every i and hoping sincerely hoping that I will be accepted. There are so many horror stories out there about people who have severe physical illnesses and combination of both physical and mental illness that break my heart when I read them and wonder how these people can be knocked back. I do have the help of a Community Health Social Worker who has been helping me with all my paperwork that I find too confusing. (I know I said I had my brain back lol nothing to do with paperwork).

So even though I am happy that this is a forward movement I understand and realise it is not a sure bet. So many people are knocked back. All I can do is follow the directions, have all the letters from Psychiatrist, Psychologist, and GP together with it and submit it all together and hope.

So I am thankful today that I went to my appointment, I met a good Psychiatrist, which made me feel a lot better. I am thankful that this Psychiatrist actually said I needed to be on the DSP. which made me feel less like a con which I have been as I seem so ‘normal’ when I am talking one on one or small groups over a coffee or just running into people. I am thankful that I have asked for help and that I am accepting it. I am thankful that I continue to move forward. I am thankful for the incredible welcome I got on my return home.

Blessings to You all Tazzie.

SATURDAY: What a weird beginning to my day…I slept for 16 + hours and woke at 1pm really strange. I was meant to be going to a wedding at 4pm. The wedding was 11/2hours away from where I live. I had a shower, had brunch, and then dressed ready to leave, allowing enough time to get to the venue.

I was not feeling good, perhaps due to having slept so long. I had been anxious about going as I lately my illness has made me more reclusive especially in big groups. I ended up having a major panic attack heart racing, sweating, and realised that as much as I wanted to be there for my friend, it was not going to be possible on this day. I decided I was not up to driving.

I was surprised that I did not feel a sense of relief having at least made a decision that was logical with what was happening. Instead I felt guilt and doubt. I struggle so much with expectations that have been instilled as a child.

Having accepted the invitation, responded to a note regarding a change in venue due to the weather just a day before saying thanks see you tomorrow, the guilt that washes over me for not letting anyone know(not able to contact anyone as the wedding was going to be in an area with no phone coverage), plays havoc on me.

The ‘norms of how to behave in good society ‘ create more anxiety in me…added to guilt and even more bewilderment as I was ready to go sitting in my car engine running. It is so hard for me to understand what is going on. When my heart begins racing, and my face heats up so hot and red, I sweat and feel as if I am going to throw up! One of my legs might begin twitching and I just want to run! There seems to be no real rhyme or reason when, where or why. But the need to beat myself up by overthinking my reaction and the feelings overwhelm me leaving me exhausted.

This sort of thing is what I battle so often. What I need to do for me, rather than doing the expected thing. The guilt of feeling a sense of responsibility. For not letting anyone know I would not be there, thinking about how I had said yes and was included in catering(thankfully it was family catering not a venue.) Just writing that makes my heart race. I will beat myself up about it over thinking it all yet knowing I did for me the right thing. So bewildering . At least I can utilise the things I have been learning with my psychologist to help to move past the overthinking. It helps so much when I can do it.

The river I live close too. @echidna home 2019

It was market day in the town closest to where I live. I went in to get a few things just a quick trip half an hour. Three hours later I returned home, and it was a really nice morning. I caught up with stall holders I know, chatted. Had brunch at the bakery with my dogs, and they were petted and loved by so many people. I chatted to some tourists on motorbikes, and a bit later the local group of cyclists stopped for coffee this is enough for me.

Here in the roaring forties the wind continues gale force at times. I generally enjoy windy days, but have been concerned about my garden. Returning home the dogs and I wondered about the garden my native areas, flowering area and vegie garden.

In my grove of wattle trees, one of my younger wattle trees has broken in half, and will need to be taken out. Many small branches and the dead pieces of trees have blown down along with lots of leaves. It could have been much worse.

Walking around the vegie garden,it was great to see that the beans in their 2 litre plastic milk container protectors I had made kept them safe from the cold night and frost, tomatoes are fine and so to the capsicums I planted out. I am so happy I did not put anything else out as one of my neighbours lost all his pumpkin seedlings.

My seedlings are undercover on my deck, sadly they are getting a little knocked about by the wind. It is supposed to be worse tomorrow, gale winds up to 100km so I have been checking things are relatively secure.

I also noted that a possum had eaten most of the lemon leaves of one of my trees on my deck. Little sod must have come in when the protective barrier was down. I do love the possums just not attacking my poor lemon trees which struggle under my ‘care’ .

Working in the garden I could hear a mower coming down the road, I was hoping it was another neighbour who mows my grass paddock area. It was. Yeah the wind had dried the ground enough that he was coming to mow my paddock area down. It is usually only cut once a year. However so far this year this is its second cutting as the weird weather has seen the grasses grow so fast since it was mowed four weeks ago that it was seeding up. Fingers crossed I wont need to have it done again. Though it means it should be a great year for the guys who mow for stock feed and bales.

So thankful that I have full rain water tanks when much of my country is in dought and has fires. That I have clean water, air and soil. Thankful that even on a low income I can just make ends meet. For my two dogs who are my constant companions

Tag: panic attack

Psychiatrist, the good …sure beat the not good. (might trigger)

Just a few days

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