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Just a few days

SATURDAY: What a weird beginning to my day…I slept for 16 + hours and woke at 1pm really strange.  I was meant to be going to a wedding at 4pm.  The wedding was 11/2hours away from where I live.  I had a shower, had brunch, and then dressed ready to leave, allowing enough time to get to the venue.  

I was not feeling good, perhaps due to having slept so long.  I had been anxious about going as I lately my illness has made me more reclusive especially in big groups. I ended up having a major panic attack heart racing, sweating, and realised that as much as I wanted to be there for my friend, it was not going to be possible on this day.   I decided I was not up to driving.  


I was surprised that I did not feel a sense of relief having at least made a decision that was logical with what was happening.  Instead I felt guilt and doubt.  I struggle so much with expectations that have been instilled as a child.

Having accepted the invitation,  responded to a note regarding a change in venue due to the weather just a day before saying  thanks see you tomorrow,  the guilt that washes over me for not letting anyone know(not able to contact anyone as the wedding was going to be in an area with no phone coverage), plays havoc on me. 

The ‘norms of how to behave in good society ‘ create more anxiety in me…added to guilt and even more bewilderment as I was ready to go sitting in my car engine running.   It is so hard for me to understand what is going on.  When my heart begins racing, and my face heats up so hot and red, I sweat and feel as if I am going to throw up! One of my legs might begin twitching and I just want to run!   There seems to be no real rhyme or reason when, where or why.  But the need to beat myself up by overthinking my reaction and the feelings overwhelm me leaving me exhausted.  

This sort of thing is what I battle so often.  What I need to do for me, rather than doing the expected thing.  The guilt of feeling a sense of responsibility.  For not letting anyone know I would not be there,  thinking about how I had said yes and was included in catering(thankfully it was family catering not a venue.)  Just writing that makes my heart race.    I will beat myself up about it over thinking it all yet knowing I did for me the right thing.   So bewildering .   At least I can utilise the things I have been learning with my psychologist to help to move past the overthinking.   It helps so much when I can do it.

The river I live close too. @echidna home 2019

It was market day in the town closest to where I live.  I went in to get a few things just a quick trip half an hour.  Three hours later I returned home, and it was a really nice morning.  I caught up with stall holders I know,  chatted.  Had brunch at the bakery with my dogs, and they were petted and loved by so many people. I chatted to some tourists on motorbikes, and a bit later the local group of cyclists stopped for coffee this is enough for me.

Market not my photograph

Here in the roaring forties the wind continues gale force at times.  I generally enjoy windy days, but have been concerned about my garden.  Returning home the dogs and I wondered about the garden my native areas, flowering area and vegie garden. 

In my grove of wattle trees, one of my younger wattle trees has broken in half, and will need to be taken out.   Many small branches and the dead pieces of trees have blown down along with lots of leaves.  It could have been much worse.

Walking around the vegie garden,it was great to see that the beans in their 2 litre plastic milk container protectors I had made kept them safe from the cold night and frost, tomatoes are fine and so to the capsicums I planted out.   I am so happy I did not put anything else out as one of my neighbours lost all his pumpkin seedlings.   

My seedlings are undercover on my deck, sadly they are getting a little knocked about by the wind.  It is supposed to be worse tomorrow, gale winds up to 100km so I have been checking things are relatively secure.   

I also noted that a possum had eaten most of the lemon leaves of one of my trees on my deck.  Little sod must have come in when the protective barrier was down.  I do love the possums just not attacking my poor lemon trees which struggle under my ‘care’ .

Working in the garden I could hear a  mower coming down the road, I was hoping it was another neighbour who mows my grass paddock area.   It was.  Yeah the wind had dried the ground enough that he was coming to mow my paddock area down.  It is usually only cut once a year. However so far this year this is its second cutting as the weird weather has seen the grasses grow so fast since it was mowed four weeks ago that it was seeding up.  Fingers crossed I wont need to have it done again.   Though it means it should be a great year for the guys who mow for stock feed and bales.  

So thankful that I have full rain water tanks when much of my country is in dought and has fires. That I have clean water, air and soil. Thankful that even on a low income I can just make ends meet. For my two dogs who are my constant companions

21 thoughts on “Just a few days

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  1. My life these days in retirement (due to chronic illness and pain) might be like yours in some ways. My Garden and Photography is my lifesaver and I was glad you dropped by my blog and started following. I think you might enjoy my simple life and attempts to photograph the local bird life.

    I attempted to follow your blog (with my Mother originally growing up in Tassie in the 1930s and having been there so often as a child staying on my Grandmother’s farm) but my email address wouldn’t register. Don’t know what’s wrong with my attempt.

    I’ll try again another day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I tried to press the Like button on another post and it wouldn’t work either.

    Was just trying to work out where you live. If you’d like to keep that location private, that’s fine, but knowing Tassie so well, I was curious. I am on a blogging and blog reading holiday for a couple of weeks as my Father just passed away, but will get back to ‘gardening and blogging’ soon.

    Sounds like Tassie is having the horrible gale-force wind that we’ve been having in Melbourne (i read on your post). This week it will get up to 44C on Friday, so my poor little balcony garden will be well and truly scorched.

    Don’t feel guilty about the wedding. Life is too short to be overwhelmed by situations we cannot control. Instead focus on the things you can control and try to just be in the moment and live your life Mindfully, concentrating on what is, not what was in the past, or what might be in the future.


    1. I’ll look forward to viewing your bird shots and hope you’ll share them often. Observing the birdlife in your garden and beyond is such a joy and is so rewarding when you get a good shot and can share online.

      (Since you live south of Hobart, I can let you know my Mother’s family are descended from Captain Edward Copping who was killed in a whaling accident age 55. His brother Captain Richard Copping brought up my Great Grandfather, to give you a sense of how I know that area of Tasmania.).

      Copping is a small township and agricultural district in the south-east of Tasmania between Dunalley and Sorell. Part of the Bream Creek district, it was named after Captain Richard Copping, who purchased a property here from George Moore in 1860 upon which he settled three of his half-brothers as tenant farmers………Wikipedia

      My Mother’s family farm was in Yolla up near Burnie on the north-west coast.


      1. Yes, my Mother’s family history is really interesting. I have a copy (66 pages) of Captain Richard Copping’s diary when he went to sea at the at of 11, write up to his retirement from whaling and passenger service some 60 years later. I’ve read it several times as it paints such a vivid picture of life at sea in the late 1800s. I hate whaling and the fishing of some of these gentle giants of the seas, but one has to be in awe of the life the seamen endured, only coming home about every 3 years at one stage.


      2. My Mother left a thick lever arch file (with birth & death cert. copies) and 30 years of research on the Bloomfields (my Mother’s name before marriage) and I have a large family tree. I was going to type it all onto the computer (which my Mother didn’t have), but struggled to read and find enough hours free to do so. With my health symptoms I only have about 5-6 hours in my daily energy envelope and by the time I’ve blogged and answered all the blogs I follow plus other correspondence that’s about it. Oh, plus basic cooking, my garden and household chores of course. My severe daily headaches preclude me from spending much time on the computer any more, but I do have my Mother’s ‘book’. As a student of Australian History at high school, I’ve always been interested in our early white settlement history as my ancestors on both sides of my family played such a major part. If I had the finances and no health problems, I daresay I would live your kind of life or even that of my parents when they were first married and grew all our food and made everything with their hands (incl our first home). I’m not in the least bit interested in modern technology and must be the only Australian to not have a smart phone, ipad, tablet, comuter games and any other modern gadget.
        Admittedly the last 4 years in a modern studio apartment means I have a dishwasher and microwave, but use both only occasionally.


      3. I must admit Vicki I would love a dishwasher and I do own a microwave, I use it maybe half a dozen times a year, usually when I forget to take meat out for the dogs dinner. I know a few folk with no mobile phone or a computer ipad or any of our so called essentials to live items. I can not imagine how you live with daily severe headaches, I used to have a migraine maybe twice a year, (the real sort, aura around lights, tingling face, no body can touch me, have to go to bed, and darkness, feel nauseous till i throw up and once i do sleep for 24hours. But there was an end to mine. You are strong to do all you do in the time. I was very interested to see the Bloomfied I worked in Orange NSW at Bloomfield Hospital an old Psychiatric Institution and Disability institution.I do not recall who it was named after.


      1. I am walking more than I have been, which is a good thing. It is on my mind more recently ..hmmm you may have something to do with that lol


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