Just a few days

SATURDAY: What a weird beginning to my day…I slept for 16 + hours and woke at 1pm really strange.  I was meant to be going to a wedding at 4pm.  The wedding was 11/2hours away from where I live.  I had a shower, had brunch, and then dressed ready to leave, allowing enough time to get to the venue.  

I was not feeling good, perhaps due to having slept so long.  I had been anxious about going as I lately my illness has made me more reclusive especially in big groups. I ended up having a major panic attack heart racing, sweating, and realised that as much as I wanted to be there for my friend, it was not going to be possible on this day.   I decided I was not up to driving.  

I was surprised that I did not feel a sense of relief having at least made a decision that was logical with what was happening.  Instead I felt guilt and doubt.  I struggle so much with expectations that have been instilled as a child.

Having accepted the invitation,  responded to a note regarding a change in venue due to the weather just a day before saying  thanks see you tomorrow,  the guilt that washes over me for not letting anyone know(not able to contact anyone as the wedding was going to be in an area with no phone coverage), plays havoc on me. 

The ‘norms of how to behave in good society ‘ create more anxiety in me…added to guilt and even more bewilderment as I was ready to go sitting in my car engine running.   It is so hard for me to understand what is going on.  When my heart begins racing, and my face heats up so hot and red, I sweat and feel as if I am going to throw up! One of my legs might begin twitching and I just want to run!   There seems to be no real rhyme or reason when, where or why.  But the need to beat myself up by overthinking my reaction and the feelings overwhelm me leaving me exhausted.  

This sort of thing is what I battle so often.  What I need to do for me, rather than doing the expected thing.  The guilt of feeling a sense of responsibility.  For not letting anyone know I would not be there,  thinking about how I had said yes and was included in catering(thankfully it was family catering not a venue.)  Just writing that makes my heart race.    I will beat myself up about it over thinking it all yet knowing I did for me the right thing.   So bewildering .   At least I can utilise the things I have been learning with my psychologist to help to move past the overthinking.   It helps so much when I can do it.

It was market day in the town closest to where I live.  I went in to get a few things just a quick trip half an hour.  Three hours later I returned home, and it was a really nice morning.  I caught up with stall holders I know,  chatted.  Had brunch at the bakery with my dogs, and they were petted and loved by so many people. I chatted to some tourists on motorbikes, and a bit later the local group of cyclists stopped for coffee this is enough for me.

Here in the roaring forties the wind continues gale force at times.  I generally enjoy windy days, but have been concerned about my garden.  Returning home the dogs and I wondered about the garden my native areas, flowering area and vegie garden. 

In my grove of wattle trees, one of my younger wattle trees has broken in half, and will need to be taken out.   Many small branches and the dead pieces of trees have blown down along with lots of leaves.  It could have been much worse.

Walking around the vegie garden,it was great to see that the beans in their 2 litre plastic milk container protectors I had made kept them safe from the cold night and frost, tomatoes are fine and so to the capsicums I planted out.   I am so happy I did not put anything else out as one of my neighbours lost all his pumpkin seedlings.   

My seedlings are undercover on my deck, sadly they are getting a little knocked about by the wind.  It is supposed to be worse tomorrow, gale winds up to 100km so I have been checking things are relatively secure.   

I also noted that a possum had eaten most of the lemon leaves of one of my trees on my deck.  Little sod must have come in when the protective barrier was down.  I do love the possums just not attacking my poor lemon trees which struggle under my ‘care’ .

Working in the garden I could hear a  mower coming down the road, I was hoping it was another neighbour who mows my grass paddock area.   It was.  Yeah the wind had dried the ground enough that he was coming to mow my paddock area down.  It is usually only cut once a year. However so far this year this is its second cutting as the weird weather has seen the grasses grow so fast since it was mowed four weeks ago that it was seeding up.  Fingers crossed I wont need to have it done again.   Though it means it should be a great year for the guys who mow for stock feed and bales.  

So thankful that I have full rain water tanks when much of my country is in dought and has fires. That I have clean water, air and soil. Thankful that even on a low income I can just make ends meet. For my two dogs who are my constant companions