May be triggering. All words, experiences and photos are mine please do not share or copy without my permission.

We have been having stunning winter days here in the Huon Valley Tasmania. It is so lovely that even though it may only be 15dC/59dF you can work in the garden in a t-shirt. My plans to work in the garden today went out the window.

In a interesting and somewhat horrendous experience of dealing with living with my mental illness. Yet the out come of the experience is positive for me. It will get more and more positive as I work through it as is my normal process.

It is hard to believe it is the end of July. I am at least feeling some what improved mentally living with CPTSD/PTSD and learning to move forward, whilst dealing with so many historical things which trigger me are tiring. I do believe the overwhelming tiredness is something that so many people just have no comprehension of for those of us living and working through our mental illness.

I had an appointment with my wonderful psychologist today. Which was timely. I could not work out why I had ceased my walking my dogs. I had been really enjoying doing it regardless of the weather. (OK being truthful) the dogs would make me get up and go, and the feeling of enjoyment after the walk and lift in my spirits were such a great benefit, I was thankful that I had got up and done the walk. This has not happened for over a month now.

I realised I was triggered by someone who I do not really know (lovely older lady who had been staying with her family up the road and has been stuck here in Tasmania due to the borders of the state she is from being closed. Due to Covid -19) . She was being encouraging and I understand this when she commented on how wonderful I was doing walking every day.

For me though that was a trigger. Weird but true. I just stopped.

It has been on my mind and frustrated me as I could not understand why her kindly meant words of encouragement floored me.

So glad I shared this with my Psychologist. In our discussion she asked me what would occur in my family situation when there was any sort of comment. Generally it would be a kind of backhanded one. You would be so pretty if you lost weight. Is the one that is embedded in my mind. Yet as a child I swam competitively representing my local region at the town/ city region meet. I played competitive hockey, did gymnastics, including uneven bars, and beam.

So when my psychologist began to take me through what appears to be happening, and asked me how I responded to these sorts of comments. Did I rebel and do the opposite. I began to get a feeling of being really nauseous. I felt like I was going to be ill. I really went into a weird sense of my mind being totally blank. I shared all this with her. I experience somatic issues often when dealing with the things I have blocked.

As I have dissociated in previous meetings, she thought it best if we moved away from this area and came back to it in another appointment. I for some reason just could not move anywhere. I am not saying I dissociated. I was very aware of everything happening and it was just blankness in my head, and the nausea and an overwhelming tiredness was coming over me.

I pushed through it to let her know I was present, but just not able to think and it became obvious as we moved away from the topic. I struggled to find the right words yet I was not aware of what I was thinking. I was just so ill and exhausted. Perhaps part of this was my making a serious effort not to dissociate. I want to deal with it. I even said that I am sure. Yet I knew I was not able to and had to say I could not do any more today. Which was perfectly OK. I have complete control in our appointments Which is something that helps me and I know I am always safe.

We ended our meeting(internet) and I just lay on the couch dozing. My dogs were outside today, and for once I feel this was a good thing as I know Miss Treacle would have been extremely concerned. She was anyway when I did let them back in an hour later.

I lay on the lounge just overcome with this blankness, nausea and tiredness. Where as before the appointment I had been busy and planning my shopping and attending the washing. Intending to go and do some work in the garden afterwards. It all came to a stop.

I must have dozed off. I roused due to Miss Treacle barking to be let inside. Both dogs kept looking at me wanting their run. I took them for their walk/run. I drove and did not want to meet anyone, or have the neighbours dog play with Busby today. Thankfully that did not happen. It was a quick trip.
I spent the afternoon on the lounge unable to do much at all. The blankness of my head began to clear and I began to review what I could of this mornings appointment.

As my psychologist had indicated I had reacted to this lady’s comment as I had in the past to family comments. I rebelled and that was to do the complete opposite.
It was quite interesting for me, as the nausea went even though the tiredness is still present even as I write. Obviously my mind is no longer blank. I will be going to bed early after my shower.

I am so thankful to have had this experience as hard as it has been today, yet again there has been an ahh haa moment.

I understand why I do the complete opposite now when someone comments on something I see as just everyday thing. I will as with every ahh haa moment over the last few years spent working with a psychologist and my own abilities move through this slowly but with a whole new understanding and appreciation for how incredible our minds are! How even when I was traumatised so often in my young life and onto my adolescence and even adulthood often powerless it seemed to cope. My mind developed a life saving tool. I appreciate it so much.

As I do believe this has been what has kept me here alive. It is also the reason I am becoming me totally me. Sometimes beginning , be brave enough to share and begin working through these horrendously hard dark moments takes so much out of me. Yet the moment the connections are identified in that ahh haa moment, I feel real, I understand sort of, and I feel a moment of connection with the child, the adolescent and me the adult.

I value all the parts that make me who I am today.

It is not the last time I will walk this bumpy path. With its rabbit holes dark and long that I could venture in. Into the black hole. I have no desire to go back their. I still struggle not to follow the winding rabbit path leading to the blackness. I have tools now, which help me. I have been in the shelter of the rabbit hole opening but I am sticking my head and body back out and moving away. Back into the colours. Moving forward again.

I am finding that it takes effort and strength of mind to listen, to fight, and to be thankful to all that has protected me throughout my life. For me to be in control, in charge,applying boundaries and acceptance that I choose. I am stronger than I thought, and I am so proud of where I am. I realise there will be more times like this last six+ weeks.

I have come through it feels, with things to work through and move on from. I am being very kind to myself. I am OK. It has been a good day! Crazy but true it has been a good day.

I appreciate everyone who reads this. If you are someone with CPTSD/PTSD it is important to be kind to yourself.

I am so thankful for my psychologist. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for all I have.

blessings to You. Tazzie