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Category: mental illness

Frustration, helplessness and mental health. (may be triggering)

Hi everyone it seems to never rain but hail when computer/internet issues occur. My internet account was suspended and now I am dealing with our countries Technology Ombudsmans office and they are dealing with my service provider. I am Back now fingers crossed.

I find off shore call centers really difficult to deal with, this is partly due to my mental illness, (CPTSD) and a feeling of no control at all over a service that I pay for. I have been dealing with my provider for 8 weeks now, and my benefit payment went in two days late which meant I missed paying my provider. (It used to be done by automatic payment each month). Of course you have to add that my provider has you paying two weeks ahead and two weeks behind. (this I really do not understand) It also seems suddenly for know reason my date due to pay has altered.

It is not the date the missed payment went through, as they did not inform me until the next payment was due that it had not been credited to the right invoice? How is that my fault? I paid it to the invoice they sent me demanding payment for.

I then found that I was now 2 months behind according to my internet provider, (this was on the 8th of April) even though the next invoice was not due to be paid until the 12th of April? I had the money and was going to Bpay as they no longer were able to do a direct payment that had been set up. According to the call centre. I said I would be paying this invoice on the 12 when it was due. But no that was not OK. So in the middle of all this I check with my bank as to why the direct payment to my internet provider was not able to continue. My bank said they had no issue in continuing it as I had not authorised it to be stopped from this end.

So if my service provider had just processed the payment it would have all gone through. I rang my service provider and informed them of this. That they could take the money as per normal as the authority was in place.

So I believe that my service provider is taking the money out as normal.

Instead I get messages telling me my service would be suspended from the the 14th if the outstanding money was not paid for the two invoices. This all happened on Monday the 13th of April. Which here is Easter weekend we have a four day holiday Good Friday through to and including Easter Monday.

I tried to explain to the lovely lady on the phone that in Tasmania it is another holiday for the Banks, financial and Government organisations and businesses. So I would not be able to go to my bank UNTIL the Wednesday. I also advised her that for some reason I was not able to get into my toolbox, the access to my account from the service provider. Even though I knew my password and id were correct. She said she would note all of that.

Wednesday morning finds me and the dogs, in town at our bank. I was a little early and they were not open at the time. I tied the dogs up and sat and waited.

The wonderful staff at my community bank, helped me and I decided to pay the two months that I ‘was overdue’ plus the May June payment which would mean I was in fact ahead. Relief.

Dogs and I went for a walk, headed home and found my internet down! WTF!

I spent the next four hours attempting to get someone to understand what had been going on, getting cut off! Being told it would all be OK. When it wasnt. I requested to speak to supervisor and refused! I hung up and tried again, I ended up going to a sales number. Realising that the person in sales during business hours might be an Aussie. It was YEAH!!! I cried. Yes I did.

This wonderful woman heard me as I explained my problem with my account, she was very supportive when I shared with her that all this was impacting my mental illness, and sometimes just dealing with call centres can be triggering to me. She apologised that she could not help me personally and unfortunately there was ‘no one’ in Australia who could? What the heck! She assured me the person she would put me on to would be able to assist me.

What else could I do but trust her. The chap I spoke to was helpful, he listened to me, as I tried to explain. He assured me my internet would be reinstated. He also seemed to understand my not answering any phone calls without numbers or people not leaveing a direct phone number for me to call. I got his details and requested copies of our converstaion, he sent them to me. I had also

It was great I felt like some order was restored, as my internet was back on.

For the next two weeks it was all good.

Then I began to get text messages telling me my service was going to be disconnected for not being paid. I had people ringing me all the time, I did not know the numbers I was not picking up, any messages left were weird noises, or just nothing. I sent emails, advising that all invoices had been paid, that I had actually paid the following month as well. I also included that I could not access my toolbox.

They acknowledge receipt of emails. Two days later I received a response, saying if did not pay the outstanding invoices my account would be disconnected, and to go into my toolbox, and see. That I could also chat to someone whilst in the toolbox! ARRGGH !

I lost it. I sent an email back saying how horrendous this company was, and the fact was proven that no body had actually read my email properly as PART OF MY PROBLEM IS I CANNOT GET INTO MY TOOLBOX!

I keep getting how did we do handling your issue emails, and you most likely can imagine how I replied.
I was also getting several messages a day on my phone telling me my accounts were overdue. My account would be disconnected.

Again the hours trying to get someone to actually understand that I had paid my account. Again the call centre people were varied in abilities, and some just hung up on me, (I was not yelling or swearing), others tried but could not find any invoice paid. I would ask for supervisors, and then be told they would call me back. I answered unknown numbers but the person could not resolve the issue.

This went of for two more weeks! We are now into May. My bank said that the money had gone on the 15/04/2020 to the BPay account (which is my service providers) Sigh…

I tried again with the call centre. It was over an hours wait to get to talk to anyone. I waited. Again I was on the phone, I hung up in frustration when someone said that my account would be disconnected on Friday if the invoices were not paid. Even though I had just told him I paid them on the 15/04 (US 04/15). It was now the 04/05 (US 05/04). I had asked to speak to a supervisor there is no one available! I asked to have one call me, No one did!

The next morning I tried again and spoke with a lovely woman who I said I really just need to speak to a supervisor. She said could she have someone call me. I explained how I waited all afternoon and evening for someone to call me yesterday. She explained that she could not transfer me as they are all working from home. I said oh OK she assured me she would contact someone and they would ring me today.

They did two hours later I received a message on my phone saying …. would be ringing me very shortly. She did. She listened, and tried to see if the invoices had been paid. They still hadn’t. I just burst into tears and hung up.

The next day my internet went off. I could not check emails. I had had enough! I called the Ombudsmans office. The first person I talked to told me it was not an issue for their office? I said it is. No I have to deal with the company first???? He was really helpful and actually seemed to be bullish!. I rang again and got someone else. I said how I had rung before and I was very upset with how I was spoken to and treated. That I was told this was not an issue for this office. The person I spoke to listened to my tale, and said no it is an issue we can look into for You. Relief. I stated that my internet had been disconnected for not paying my bills. She said she would get onto it right away for me.

Sigh I thanked her and than had not expectations. She had also said to me that whilst there was ongoing issues between me and the Obusdmans office was involved I can not be disconnected. Three days later I am back online.

I sank down a lot, during this time. I did not go back wards, and I am proud of myself that I did not get to the trigger point I may have where I was screaming and swearing as in the past. I felt so drained and flat. I was not going to let this get on top of me. Unfortunately my ‘old’ normal responses have rared their ugly heads. I have stayed up too late, (but am working on it again) I have not been eating as well and sugar was high, (condensed milk can not be in this house). I am not proud of the two cans I consumed over four days but it could have been two days. Progress..lol up until yesterday Saturday I had been walking, but have not over these two days. Writing here is my accountability. I have been doing some pottering outside so not just sitting on the lounge, and I did take the dogs for a play with the neighbour across the roads dogs. So I have communicated with someone. Along with leaving the house.

Tonight I made a delicous Korma, rice and salad with greens from my garden. I have eaten sugar only in some fruit. I will be in bed lights out by 22:30.

I am determined to not stay slumped down, I have not gone backwards, I am still moving forward.

I saw that I had had emails from my service provider saying they wanted a copy of my payment, this was from the day my internet went down? The next day they sent me another email saying they were wiping the debt? It was a one off. A sign of their goodwill? (Remember I have paid them)?

I rang the Ombudsman’s office as I was still missing $209.97.

It took a bit of getting the person on the other end of the phone to understand, that by crediting the account as good will, means that they are still saying they have not received my money.

This means my $209.97 has vanished, and I might have internet service but I am out of pocket this amount. She asked me what I wanted, I said originally I just wanted to pay the account which I have done, but now as they have credited my account as goodwill, I want my money back!.

Seems a totally ridiculous situation, and as I said to the woman at the Ombudsman’s office my mental health has suffered a lot over this. I never tried to not pay my bill/s..

Such a ludicrous circus. This is why no company should be allowed to operate within another country without having people working in that country at a level who can actually help. Or the call centres should be able to have someone from financial management ring you when the situation goes on and on. Yet I have no real leg to stand on. I have had my internet off for ten days in the five weeks.

What rights do we the consumer have when using companies that operate outside of our National laws? It is something I am thinking more and more about whilst safe at home. You want Australians to get back to work than make more companies pay for Australians to work for them, so the services we pay for are traceable!

I am thankful for this place to off load. I am thankful for the wonderful world that the internet opens up to me. Being an introvert and someone who may have the potential for agoraphobia if I dont push myself I am so very thankful that this surreal time has seen me get on the whole fitter, healthier, mentally stronger. Thankful to know my rights, thankful to know processes to ensure my rights are taken care of. Thankful for the people who are working from their homes. I am thankful to the lovely helpful and pleasant (generally woman I have to say) in the call centres who do really try to help but the situation is not in their handbooks.
I am thankful for the lovely food I have access to. I am thankful for the clean water I have to drink. I am thankful for the fresh air I breathe. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for the birds, and critters in my garden. I am thankful for the rain that is falling. I am thankful for having wood for my fire. I am thankful that I have no debt, that I am so very very fortunate to own my home outright. I am thankful for You.

blessings to You Tazzie

12

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

21

Lost in Isolation

How beautiful it is sitting listening to the rain falling on my tin roof, the wind blowing the trees and a fire burning in my wood heater.
There is snow on Kunanyi (Mt Wellington),

from the Summit camera on Kunani (Mount Wellington)

It feels like a winters day here today, 13dC/55.4dF. My CPSTD has been a bit all over the place as I had someone I do not want to have contact with be in touch. I have not responded to the message left. As this is how it is best for me to be well. Since breaking all ties with my family I have found a contentment I have not had since my partner died. He always loved me unconditionally and believed in me.
He saw how my family treated me. He supported me and was there unquestioning and lovingly when I interacted with them, trying to have a relationship with them. He was there to hug and reassure me when it all went to hell, eventually.

This out of the blue message not responded too, still has dropped my mood and seen me comfort eat uncontrollably. Naming that here helps me to acknowledge what I have been doing and lets me name and describe the emotions. I am angry that my needs have been disregarded as was discussed back in January. I am resentful that this intrusion still impacts me, and takes me to a place of disassociation. This is something I realised today, as I shoveled biscuits into my mouth. I have literally switched off and gone into a void. Aware of what I should be doing but not able to face it. This is part of the reason I like blogging, it helps me see in black and white and somehow my brain connects the OH moments and I usually can move forward again.

This happened five days ago, and now I can see how I really have just gone to my ‘reactive management of disassociation’ . Clarity is good to have now. I am engaging my brain and moving forward again, and not backwards. It would be simple to remain in the vague realm of lost time just slowly sinking down. I am not doing that, I will not do that. I am moving forward.

It is hard to stop the reactions that have been a lifetime response to stressors. Though I am delighted that I have insight (eventually ) into what has occurred. My child has been protecting me in the only way she knows and that it to comfort herself with food, and switch off. I am thankful she is there and takes over when I retreat. I love her for that, I need to work on letting her go and me to take over at these times. I am still very much a work in progress.

Insight is a such a valuable thing. It is also frustrating when you have it but you are unwell. I can not control as much as I would like my family/inlaw family messaging. I know they have concern at this strange time in the world. I realise too that my reaction is yet again a demonstration of how little regard is held for my needs even when explained in writting and the reasons why. So again my ability to control aspects of my needs have been hindered.

I have options I realise, I could get a new phone number that they do not have. I would not get any messages that way. Yet I know I can not do that. Because I do care about this particular part of my family. Weird as that might sound.

It is weird how somatic issues come into it too, my sleep changed,I feel nauseous when I think or recall the message. I have been working really diligently to establish a routine, I either go up to bed at 21:30 and read for a while, turning the light out at 22:30. Or I go up at 22:30 and straight to bed light off if I am on line or watching something. I am waking earlier, and have more motivation.

I have also been walking the dogs everyday instead of me driving and them walking. We even did a walk along the foreshore of the river over the Easter period. I have not walked them today it has been way too wet and windy. Busby is frightened by the wind and rain together. Since we got caught in a heavy hail wind storm at Triabunna last year.

Coming out of the vagueness of how I disassociate is like cataracts falling off my eyes, and my brains neurons firing back up and the lights coming back on. It is a good feeling. I am very thankful that I kept walking the dogs through this period.

My GP and Psychologist have both been encouraging me and working with me and my CPTSD, Depression and or Anxiety knows that routine, good sleep, exercise, along with a healthy diet all aid in improving our abilities to deal with triggers/stressors. For me I know it is the only way along with mindfulness work, meditation, and being thankful for all I do have are also huge things that enable me to be in a much less reactive manner.

The other thing I note is I give up on the house and even the garden when I am disassociating. New insights.
As I said I am still very much a work in progress and when I realise I have been triggered and reacted I am so very thankful that I am well enough now with insight to hopefully be able to begin to work through the reactivity of this situation. For me it looks so much like loss of control in my own life is one of the big things that keep coming up as triggers.

So that is why I have been lost in isolation. I am physically fine, if afraid to cough when I do go out. I live in the south of Tasmania, so fortunately am not in the area of Tasmania which has had two of its hospitals closed recently due to a fairly large pocket of Covid -19 positive workers which has meant that all the staff in these hospitals have been put into mandatory total lock down for two weeks. The patients from these hospitals have been moved to another hospital.
The hospitals are being cleaned by a specialty team of defence personnel and will be operated by defence nurses and doctors cleaners and admin people I imagine for the time required.

We have been told we will be in stay home stay safe mode for another four weeks at least with the exception of essential workers, essential shopping, and GP appointments.

I am still flawed by the number of vehicles I see drive by my home full of families out for a drive. Looking at the scenery. Do they stop for food? To put petrol in their car. A toilet stop? A drink? Do they realise that they potentially could be carriers. Or have this illness and not know it yet? What is so hard to follow the instructions Stay Home and Stay Safe. The other issue I have is what if they have an accident, more pressure on first attendants, and ambulance workers. I really do not get these parents at all!

I am not going to get into that anymore, enough I can hear my fire crackling and I am looking out the window at the trees moving in the wind. It looks to have stopped raining for a bit.

My dogs are both asleep. Miss Treacle is snoring softly and Busby is curled up on his bean bag quiet. Both with full tummies. We are all well warm, dry and once again content with being at home, safe.

I am thankful for the rain, for my dogs, for a roof over my head, a warm fire and a cup of hot tea and food. I am thankful to have warm shoes and clothes. I am thankful to never need to say I am bored. I am thankful that for me being in self isolation is OK. I am thankful to all essential workers, I am thankful to all those people around the world who are doing the right thing as hard as it may be for many of you to self isolate. To keep others safe, as well as your self and your families. I am thankful to be out of my disassociation.

blessings Tazzie




7

Darkness Fades to Lightness

It is windy and wet, snow is forecast down to 600metres /1967feet in Tasmania tonight minimum 1dC/33.8dF and a maximum of 12dC/53.6dF. Lighting my fire seemed like a wonderful idea. It is lovely to have, knowing that it should be easy to get going in the morning.
Daylight saving also ends for us in Several states tomorrow. It will confuse the the dogs perhaps. It usually is not so bad returning to normal.

There has been a lot of rain, and more forecast. Walking about my veggie garden between showers I pondered picking my pumpkins. The Waltheim butternut one and I can not recall the other variety. The corn also perhaps should have been picked today. A bit late now to be thinking about it. Though I notice my mind is rolling it about in its repertoire.

Sipping rose hip syrup in hot water is a truely beautiful herbal drink. There is no traffic on the highway across the river. All I can hear it the fire crackling and the metal creaking as it heats. It is so still. The dogs are both asleep soundly no noise from them either. My fingers on the keyboard typing, it feels as if I might be the only person alive. Snug in my home curtains drawn, I sit near the wood heater sending out my thoughts across the world.

A struggle this afternoon to keep myself from wallowing in my darker spaces. Deciding to keep out of an online support group for a wee while, as it is hard to sometimes be able to walk in someone else’s shoes without being pulled down a bit with them as you support them. Instead of allowing myself to get deeper in I removed myself, took my dogs for an actual walk up the hill, and chatted with a neighbour. (we were 15 meters or more apart)

My Government has been asking for Nurses who have let their Registrations lapse to consider coming back into help with the Covid-19 situation. The part of me that made me become a Nurse is wanting to go in and help.

After all that is what being a Nurse it is about. I miss being a RN so greatly. Feelings of being able to help and care for people. I know I can not do this.

Reality hit of course my mental illness has just been signed off on by a Psychiatrist as making me no longer able to work at all. On Thursday (yesterday) in the mail the letter from the Psychiatrist I saw two weeks ago, stating that my mental illness was incapacitating making me unable to work.
Even though relief flooded through me to have it confirmed; my mental illness was incapacitating to this level. It makes it final. Feelings of understanding that this is the battle that has been going on inside of me. Knowledge that it is final, I am unwell. The angst and battle that has been fought for almost a year to reach this point, knowing that in all reality this is just the first step completed in the application for disability pension.

My sleep has been long and deep the last two nights with the very real bizzare dreams that can be side effects of medication I take. Upon wakening it takes time to realise that you are not in the place the dream had you. Something only someone else who has experienced these types of dreams would truly understand.

Blogging is so helpful to me at times. As I write my thoughts, feelings, ideas, sometimes in the construction of one blog post as with this particular one, something clicks. A light goes on. Seeing everything written down in black and white, re-reading what has been written. I take note, that I received the letter on Thursday and have been sleeping deeply, and long since then. I had not realised that my brain and body had been anxiously waiting for this letter. That now it was real, it was OK for me to switch off.

Which also goes hand in hand with the darker feelings. Right now a wee flame has lit inside my chest. As my sensations are all aligned to my anxiety. A sense of loss over no longer being able to nurse, a real and valid feeling for what has occurred. Enough going on in my own life without me being able to uplift and support anyone else right now. I am not responsible for them or their actions.
The dreams well come and go. They do not scare me. It is perfectly normal to feel sad that my working life as a RN has truly finished.

I feel lighter. I am thankful that I wrote this post tonight. (I had actually compiled a different one). I am thankful to all the retired Doctors and Nurses who are able to help. I am thankful to all essential service workers, I am thankful for being warm. I am thankful to be in isolation with my dogs, who make me laugh, and give me such joy. I am thankful to all the people around the world who are doing the best thing for our essential workers our vulnerable community members, and ourselves by staying at home.

be safe, blessing to You all. Tazzie


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3

Anxiety You and What is happening now.

I have been on a face book site I am a member of for people with anxiety and depression. It has been filled today with huge amounts of discussion and almost 100% of the members have been on and almost all of them have been saying their anxiety is through the roof.

My response to this is that this is appropriate anxiety. It is appropriate for the current and ever changing situation that is happening in Australia and many other countries today.
The thing to remember is that when you have anxiety as a mental illness, there will still be things out of your control and out of your experience that will create anxiety and stress.

What I believe is that most people in Australia and other countries with Covid-19 are anxious, very anxious and stressed. This is understandable and there is absolutely nothing that we have control over except our own health and well being.
Firstly follow the guidelines of social spacing and hygiene, sneezing coughing. If you are told to isolate do so and do not leave your home. It potentially could put others who may be more susceptible at risk.

This afternoon has seen huge changes in Victoria and NSW two states with most of the Australian population in them. They are closing all businesses except essential services. So for most of us that would be supermarkets, chemists/pharmacys, gas, electricity, petrol stations, doctors. Everything else will be closed. Schools in Victoria will close on Tuesday they are essentially bringing the holidays forward. Schools in NSW will be on tomorrow but will be reviewed. The Prime Minister is asking people to only travel for essential reasons.

Tasmania my island home closed its boarders on Friday night at midnight, Northern Territory have closed theirs as the risk to the Aboriginal community who live ‘more traditional lifestyles’ than those in the cities, is of concern. Diabetes is quite high in these communities. To loose any elders to this disease would be disastrous not too say loosing anyone is bad.

Understandably there is much confusion. In Tasmania supermarkets have been running out of flour, rice, oats, powder milk, long life milk, toilet paper, frozen vegetables, and now that supermarkets have come to their senses and put limits on for all of those that HAVE TO SHOP WEEKLY OR Fortnightly because they are on low incomes pensioners, and benefit recipients, who can not afford to stock up. They are the losers. Those who can least afford to miss out on food.

I went in to buy a tin of tomatoes, two tins of beans for a chili I was making for dinner. I could only buy two tins of vegetables full stop. Not two tins of a vegetable. I had to put one tin of beans back. That was fine for me. How would a family manage?

There was a little good news from our local IGA supermarket, they explained that the warehouses in Tasmania were caught unaware and usually have stock but delays in shipping supplies had meant that things went low. They were hoping to be back to relative normal soon.

To me this is the sort of thing the Tasmanian Government should be telling people. Be honest tell us what is happening to our food and sanitation products coming from the mainland. If they knew there might be a shortage than the supermarkets the moment they realised panic buying was happening should have put a halt to it. Only allowing one packet of toilet paper a day per customer.

Here in Australia we are being told it could be six months before any semblance of normal is back in place. The Government is attempting to fund support for many people and businesses. as seen by the media release below.

Media release 22 Mar 2020 Prime Minister, Treasurer

The Commonwealth Government has today released the second stage of its economic plan to cushion the economic impact of the coronavirus and help build a bridge to recovery.

A total of $189 billion is being injected into the economy by all arms of Government in order to keep Australians in work and businesses in business.

This includes $17.6 billion for the Government’s first economic stimulus package, $90 billion from the RBA and $15 billion from the Government to deliver easier access to finance, and $66.1 billion in today’s economic support package.

Our economic support package includes:

  • Support for households including casuals, sole-traders, retirees and those on income support
  • Assistance for businesses to keep people in a job
  • Regulatory protection and financial support for businesses to stay in business

The Prime Minister Scott Morrison said the Government was acting to cushion the blow from the coronavirus for businesses and households to help them get through to the other side of the crisis.

“We want to help businesses keep going as best they can and for as long as they can, or to pause instead of winding up their business. We want to ensure that when this crisis has passed Australian businesses can bounce back,” the Prime Minister said.

“Our focus is on cushioning the blow and providing hope to every Australian that we will get through this and come out the other side together.

“We know this will be temporary.  That’s why all our actions are geared towards building a bridge, keeping more people in work, enhancing the safety net for those that aren’t and keeping businesses alive so they can get to the other side and stand up their workforce as quickly as possible.

“We know Australia’s more than 3 million small and medium businesses are the engine room of our economy. When they hurt, we all hurt.

“The next few months are going to be a difficult journey but we all have a role to play to adapt to the changes we’re facing, to cushion the impact of what is happening and to pull together so we can bounce back when we get to the other side.”

The Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the $189 billion economic support package was the equivalent of 9.7 per cent of GDP.

“The Government is taking unprecedented action to strengthen the safety net available to Australians that are stood down or lose their jobs and increasing support for small businesses that do it tough over the next six months.

“These measures build significantly on what we have already announced.

“These extraordinary times demand extraordinary measures.”

Support for workers and households

Coronavirus supplement

The Government is temporarily expanding eligibility to income support payments and establishing a new, time-limited Coronavirus supplement to be paid at a rate of $550 per fortnight.  This will be paid to both existing and new recipients of the JobSeeker Payment, Youth Allowance jobseeker, Parenting Payment, Farm Household Allowance and Special Benefit.

The Coronavirus supplement will be paid for the next 6 months. Eligible income support recipients will receive the full amount of the $550 Coronavirus supplement on top of their payment each fortnight.

This measure is estimated to cost $14.1 billion over the forward estimates period.

An increase of up to 5,000 staff for Services Australia will assist to support delivery of new Government measures.

Payments to support households

In addition to the $750 stimulus payment announced on 12 March 2020, the Government will provide a further $750 payment to social security and veteran income support recipients and eligible concession card holders, except for those who are receiving an income support payment that is eligible to receive the Coronavirus supplement.

This second payment will be made automatically from 13 July 2020 to around 5 million social security, veteran and other income support recipients and eligible concession card holders. Around half of those that benefit are pensioners.

The first payment will be made from 31 March 2020 to people who will have been on one of the eligible payments any time between 12 March 2020 and 13 April 2020.

This measure is estimated to cost $4 billion over the forward estimates period.

Early release of superannuation

The Government will allow individuals in financial stress as a result of the Coronavirus to access up to $10,000 of their superannuation in 2019-20 and a further $10,000 in 2020-21.

Eligible individuals will be able to apply online through myGov for access of up to $10,000 of their superannuation before 1 July 2020. They will also be able to access up to a further $10,000 from 1 July 2020 for another three months. They will not need to pay tax on amounts released and the money they withdraw will not affect Centrelink or Veterans’ Affairs payments.

This measure is estimated to cost $1.2 billion over the forward estimates period.

Temporarily reduce superannuation minimum drawdown rates

The Government is temporarily reducing superannuation minimum drawdown requirements for account based pensions and similar products by 50 per cent for 2019-20 and 2020-21. This measure will benefit retirees by providing them with more flexibility as to how they manage their superannuation assets.

Reducing social security deeming rates

On top of the deeming rate changes made at the time of the first package, the Government is reducing the deeming rates by a further 0.25 percentage points to reflect the latest rate reductions by the RBA.

As of 1 May 2020, the lower deeming rate will be 0.25 per cent and the upper deeming rate will be 2.25 per cent.

The change will benefit around 900,000 income support recipients, including Age Pensioners.

This measure is estimated to cost $876 million over the forward estimates period.

Assistance to business to keep people in a job

  • Boosting Cash Flow for Employers

The Government is providing up to $100,000 to eligible small and medium sized businesses, and not‑for-profits (including charities) that employ people, with a minimum payment of $20,000.  These payments will help businesses’ and not-for-profits’ cash flow so they can keep operating, pay their rent, electricity and other bills and retain staff.

Under the enhanced scheme from the first package, employers will receive a payment equal to 100 per cent of their salary and wages withheld (up from 50 per cent), with the maximum payment being increased from $25,000 to $50,000. In addition, the minimum payment is being increased from $2,000 to $10,000. The payment will be available from 28 April 2020.

By linking the payments to business to staff wage tax withholdings, businesses will be incentivised to hold on to more of their workers.

The payments are tax free, there will be no new forms and payments will flow automatically through the ATO.

This measure will benefit around 690,000 businesses employing around 7.8 million people, and around 30,000 NFPs (including charities).

Small and medium business entities with aggregated annual turnover under $50 million and that employ workers are eligible. NFPs entities, including charities, with aggregated annual turnover under $50 million and that employ workers will now also be eligible. This will support employment at a time where NFPs are facing increasing demand for services.

An additional payment is also being made from 28 July 2020. Eligible entities will receive an additional payment equal to the total of all of the Boosting Cash Flow for Employers payments received.

This measure is estimated to cost $31.9 billion over the forward estimates period, including the value of the measure announced in the first package.

Regulatory protection and financial support for businesses to stay in business

Coronavirus SME Guarantee Scheme

The Government will establish the Coronavirus SME Guarantee Scheme which will support small and medium enterprises (SMEs) to get access to working capital to help them get them through the impact of the coronavirus. 

Under the Scheme, the Government will guarantee 50 per cent of new loans issued by eligible lenders to SMEs.

The Government’s support will enhance lenders’ willingness and ability to provide credit to SMEs with the Scheme able to support $40 billion of lending to SMEs. 

The Scheme will complement the announcement the Government has made to cut red-tape to allow SMEs to get access to credit faster. It also complements announcements made by Australian banks to support small businesses with their existing loans.

This builds on the investment the Government is making to enable smaller lenders to continue supporting Australian consumers and small businesses, through providing the AOFM an investment capacity of $15 billion to invest in wholesale funding markets used by small authorised deposit-taking institutions (ADI) and non-ADI lenders.

It further supports the Reserve Bank of Australia’s announcement of a $90 billion term funding facility for ns ADIs, that will reduce the cost of lending, with particular incentives to lend to small and medium enterprises.

The measures the Government is announcing today, along with the previous announcements, will deliver a total of $125 billion to support Australians get through the impact of the coronavirus.

The Government will guarantee up to $20 billion to support $40 billion in SME loans.

Providing temporary relief for financially distressed businesses

The Government is temporarily increasing the threshold at which creditors can issue a statutory demand on a company and the time companies have to respond to statutory demands they receive. The package also includes temporary relief for directors from any personal liability for trading while insolvent.  The Corporations Act 2001 will be amended to provide temporary and targeted relief for companies to deal with unforeseen events that arise as a result of the Coronavirus.

  • This builds on the support for business and business investment provided in our first economic support package, which included:
  • increasing the instant asset write off
  • backing business investment by providing accelerated depreciation deductions
  • supporting apprentices and trainees
  • targeted support for Coronavirus-affected regions and communities

Support for the aviation industry

As previously announced, the Government is also providing up to $715 million in support for Australian airlines and airports, which will ensure that our aviation sector receives timely cash flow support through an unprecedented period of disruption to international and domestic air travel.

While these are challenging times, Australians can rest assured that the Commonwealth Government will do all that is necessary to support them and build a bridge to ensure that all Australians can get to the other side of this crisis.

For all who are rightly anxious and stressed at this time, it is appropriate for what we are all potentially going to be going through. For those of us who have a mental illness especially, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, it is very important you keep in touch with people. Get support from others who have these mental illnesses, who understand what you might be feeling.

To acknowledge that all of this is beyond our individual fault. We can not control anything except our hygiene keeping the social distancing, maintaining exercise, get vitamin d as we approach shorter daylight, and plenty of sleep. The stress and anxiety relating to the current situation is not your illness, it needs to be acknowledge as such as I believe nearly every Australian will be feeling similar to you right now.

Blessing to You all. Tazzie

8

Hoarding

There are many reasons that people become hoarders. For me it resulted after my mental breakdown, I always had more wool than I could use and material. After my breakdown things changed. I would buy cheap synthetic yarns and material I did not even really like. Of course it and all that I gathered was not used, and it just grew and grew. As I recover I have donated most of this to community groups who do amazing creative things with it.

For some reason and I am fairly certain if was something to do with my family realationships. I am sorry but I can not remember what happened or when. This is part of my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have large periods of time, some times years that my memories are very uncertain.
Even today I can be confused and totally out of sorts as I may have lost a day, or several hours.

My home had a few issues that weighed heavily on me. A leak that was my whole focus for over two years, yet I was incapable of organising to have it repaired. It caused me a lot of anxiety and distress. I also damaged the copper pipe in my kitchen where the spout for the sink is attached behind the wall. So another leak. The leaks exacerbated my hoarding.

This also makes washing up really difficult. So my kitchen slowly has become and I am embarrassed to say this, a bio hazard in some ways. Another reason why I don’t let anyone in my home. As I write this I see that this also is a reason that I have provided to not deal with the pipe issue. It is another protective device to stop people entering my place. Now my somatic symptoms are appearing anxiety is increasing dry mouth I can hear my heart in my ears, and I feel nauseous. I also feel overwhelming tiredness. That is the strength of feeling that comes when I am triggered.

Anyone who has not had personal experience of a hoarder in real life, and not via say hoarder TV shows would not be prepared for the reality of extreme hoarding.
This house was not filled with rats feces or lots of dead animals there were obvious signs their had been mice and maybe rats. It was dirty and smelly from food and not being aired and heated. It was for a hoarders house surprisingly cleanish. Lots of dust and rubbish and news paper. It is a series on You Tube called The Potters House on Curiosity Incorporated You Tube Channel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb4SpyeH5IQ&list=PLHs6JH9ueCokcP2hje8PVPPqjucNJFUvO&index=2&t=0s

The house belonged to a renowned Canadian Potter Mary Borgastrom known as a primative and traditional potter using raku style firing methods. It includes an interview with Mary and the Alex,who was looking for Antiques. She only died on 3 April 2019. Alex managed to have an interview which is recorded as part 9 with Mary and the uploaded date is January 2019. So a couple of months before Mary died. Mary was 103 at the time of her death.

To me as a hoarder and yes it is much easier to clean a Hoarders home out when they are not living in the home and can not come and be involved. Most people would do very little searching I imagine in this situation, they would just get in there and be tossing most stuff out. Yet in the same sentiment many people in Alex’s situation would do the searching for antiques or treasures in a very different manner.

This is a 28 part series, and it is really beautifully respectfully and totally non judgmentally undertaken. I myself am only up to part 11 but for me it is an intriguing look at a issue that is far more prevalent than anyone knows. The true hoarder, and the fascinating life that is unfolded as this home is explored.
It for me as a hoarder is a very caring compassionate and generous loving way the whole process was undertaken. I am addicted and will follow to the end.

To have heard Mary Borgastrom speak to Alex, was really special. I noticed at one point a brief look of shame cross Mary’s face, this would most likely have been missed by many people.

For me it just reiterates that you really never know the full story of why anyone becomes a hoarder and can live the way we do.

TV shows are written to entertain, as well as shine alight on the growing issue of hoarding have been important but they are TV and it is an entertainment and educational tool.
Of course there will be issues and possible scripted drama.
My own personal experience when a support worker believed it would be helpful for me to have someone come and help me clean my home was horrendous.

I was not mentally well enough to respond or say no. I did not have a psychologist at the time, and in the end it went belly up and I ended up basically getting worse again and not seeing anyone. The person who came to help was lovely, and really wanted to clean my house. She had no experience with a hoarder. I just went along cleaning, and chatting. Trying to keep my head together. In the end after two visits I had to say it was not working out for me. I was so sorry she was genuinely well meaning, she was placed in a difficult situation with no experience or apparent awareness or understanding of my illness.

I see what the person whose home is being ‘dehoarded’ on TV go through. Their responses are very genuine, and it may that situations are created by the Producer to create drama. If that is so that is really disgraceful but I have felt at time there has been pressure due to time restraints on those helping and recording the show, wanting the before and after pictures being placed on the person they are helping.

My personal journey is taking me a long time. Each day I may do something small, really small like pick up and decide if I am keeping something or not. than thinking will anyone else really want it, generally the answer is no, and it gets moved closer to the front door. In the morning or later in the afternoon, I will take it to the bin. That process can be arduous, and exhausting. I know that seems so strange to people who have never been in this situation, and even for those who live with a hoarder, they often do not really understand what has occurred and why this has happened.

I understand for many who do not understand how any one could live as I and many other people do across the world, across race, religious, gender and socioeconomic classes, it is not ageist hoarding.

It also demonstrates that their is always a person with a full life and history within the hoarded stuff. That what is seen by you as rubbish can hide incredible things. Or not.

I went through a time when I had a thing for cardboard boxes and had so many empty cardboard boxes in my home it was difficult to move. No logic no reason that I can recall. I am using them now to lay down to kill the grass off in areas of my garden. This may have been why I began to hoard them I do not remember.

For me I am so much more aware of my hoarding behaviour and the triggers. Back in December 2019 I purchased three large packets of milk powder and six 2 litre boxes of UHT milk. I realised a couple of days later that this was not OK. I looked about and noted one or two other things that I had seemed to have accumulated more than I needed for a while. 6 packets of Lindt 85& chocolate.

Four months have passed since I bought these things and I have used none. This may change in today’s circumstances.

So today when I went out shopping for my normal weekly shop I had to really be aware of what I was buying. I needed not a lot, I was a bit mortified when I got to the checkout and was told I could not have my two tins of black beans, my two tins of tomatoes, and my two tins of mushrooms. I had not read any of the information sheets about limits. Somehow thinking that the volume of 6 tins is basically a fortnight of some foods for me. ( I was hoping to make a sort of bolognese s sauce with mince to have for dinner and freeze. Makes a great base for spaghetti, tacos, toast, all sorts of things. I would have made quite a few meals for the freezer for me as things I could heat up easily if I was unwell for any reason.

I was told by the lovely woman at the checkout that I could only have two tins. I said I only have two. She said no just two tins out of the six? They were limiting tinned vegetables now. I really felt for the staff as they are telling nearly every person going through the checkouts that they can not have things. It is hard when the list is not at the area where the food I bought was, to me it would have been easier to just print only two veggie tins per customer regardless of what vegetables. Just add to someone else’s work I guess. Plenty of staff at our Woolworths lately, all checkouts open. Funny how the companies have found the money to be advertising for more staff. I also noted many items had increase in price in both Woolworths and my local IGA.

I am so appreciative that I can get fresh greens out of my garden, and I will hopefully have more broccoli, coming along, I have some seedlings of beetroots carrots, cabbages, and lettuces.
It is more about my dogs that I was thinking of food for them as they are on a raw diet that I mix veggies with a little rice or oats. I have enough rice for a while, and I have about 1kg of oats, along with a couple of frozen bags of veggies, that they get. I have their meat in the freezer. You can feed your dog spinach and silver beet, brassicas and I am making an assumption that would include leaves but I have to look it up.
Well I have broad tastes so I can live without many things and chocolate has many healthy things, such as milk, nuts, fruit. in it.

ooops off on a tangent again. sorry.

So the Covid-19 has introduced us to a new type of hoarder, the food hoarder and toilet paper hoarder. Is this person the same sort of hoarder as me and Mary? I can not answer that but it may trigger something more. Anxiety and fear are what triggers my hoarding so I am finding. It would seem to me that is exactly the same thing that is triggering this panic shopping/hoarding food and other things.

I really do believe that there will be a serious world wide spike in mental health illnesses in relation to the supply situation, the fear of financial and employment problems, and I really hope that the Federal Governments and State Governments are taking that into the forecasting of the aftermath of this. Added to the already distressed areas where people were impacted by the bushfires, and those who were fighting helping supporting and actually fleeing. Humans are resilient but we all can break. Mental health I for one hope is being seen as a huge impact in the current situation and outcomes.

Today whilst doing my shopping I noted that I was not at all anxious, I was very appreciative for all the staff were and are doing and dealing with. I did find it exhausting, but then lights, muzak, so much noise, and over stimulation make me tired. I can not go anywhere near the washing powder aisles or the room de-odorisers either.

Mary’s incredible story has been found and shared, because of Alex a caring respectful man who found a National Treasure, and was lucky enough to meet here and interview her before she died.

Lessons should be learned on just respecting the person who is ill and their home, and the label hoarder is not the reality of who that person really is.

I hoard but I am me, a person and that is what is important. I have carried great shame and mortification about this expression of my illness. Not everyone with CPTSD hoards. I understand it is for me a way to keep people out, when you have major issues of trusting anyone hoarding sort of makes sense. Its a barrier to the outside wall. I can hide behind it and be safe and no one can get me.

I am thankful that I was able to get food today, I am thankful to all the staff at all the supermarkets and shops selling food and things that people are panic buying, for the staff who are doing their best to keep shelves stocked, and help people out, I am thankful to Alex from Curiosity Inc, for his compassion and care, respect and non judgment and his generosity in rediscovering an amazing woman potter and interviewing her before she died. I am thankful that I can provide for my dogs, who are my family and who saved my life, I am thankful to all the health workers around the world working and trying to help in this Pandemic, I am thankful to nurses who have come out of retirement to help,. I am thankful for the internet, for the ability to blog and share with each other our experiences and feelings. Many of us who have CPTSD and PTSD , anxiety and depression often self isolate with no Pandemic about. I am really appreciative of those who find my blog and read it. I am thankful for my community neighbours, and wider. I am thankful I am so fortunate. I think of people who are poor who can not be 1.5meters or 2.2 meters away from someone else as their homes are in the slums and packed in tightly. My thoughts to all of these people and may they be being treated as equals to everyone else in care. I am thankful to Rupali who widened my eyes and mind to this situation.

Blessings to You all Tazzie




13

Psychiatrist, the good …sure beat the not good. (might trigger)

One of the hardest things for me is to leave my dogs at home when I have to go somewhere. It happens rarely if it is going to be a hot day and it is not safe to leave them in the car, it is raining heavily and I can’t leave the windows down or it is stormy with wind. Today was going to be warm, humid, stormy and windy. All things that Busby would not deal with in the car. I made the choice to leave them at home.

I almost cance

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I have had anxiety since I was in my teens that I am aware of, it may have been earlier but I do not have any recollection. I developed depression in my early twenties. I first tried to kill myself when I was 22.

Most people will be aware of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) but many people will not have heard of CPTSD.

It differs from PTSD in that instead of one traumatic event that impacts a person. The person, with CPTSD has had this occur in early childhood, and had repeated and long term trauma/s.

I explain this because I have certainly found myself having to explain and justify, why I am not able to work, enough times to make me annoyed.

When I can go out and basically all I do manage these days is shopping, once a week usually, appointments and my dogs exercise. (not sounding so healthy that Tazzie).

I have insight and know I am perhaps borderline Agrophobic. Why am I writing about this today? Whilst I really enjoy being at home and I am content at home, I do have anxiety sometimes and panic attacks , not as bad as some people. Mine tend to have me itching, hot and sweating ,heart racing and red in the face and neck. Perhaps not what most people would see as a panic attack.

I went to see a new Psychiatrist today; as the one I was seeing decided he did not want to see me any longer. I do not think he liked some of my comments to him about his not hearing me, or understanding the reality of my rural life, and my concerns over going on Ritalin. Having been a nurse I always check out any Doctor (no not just google but on reserch and journal articles, if they are affiliated with a university what the professional descriptions states.
I am not intimidated by any Doctor. I was a Registered Nurse and Had specialist Post Grad degree in Mental Health Nursing so will speak my mind. A doctor who hears ME and sees ME as an individual rather than seeming to have his or her own agenda, is upfront direct and honest. I will respect him or her.

I needed to see a psychiatrist as my Psychologist (who is not a Clinical Psychologist) and my GP both feel that the chances of me working or volunteering (which I have attempted unsecessfuly ) successfully in the foreseeable future is Nil. They agree I need to be applying for the Disability Pension.

For that I need to have an assessment and a letter from Clinical Psychologist or a Psychiatrist. Which is why I have been and am seeing a Psychiatrist.

So I saw the previous mentioned psychiatrist for 5 months the medication (other than the Ritalin) he prescribed me has helped my cognitive function so much that I almost feel my brain is back. The side effects are not wonderful sleeping to much for periods and than not enough, weird bizarre dreams so real that I wake up and have to remember it was a dream. These I am prepared to live with.

I was so anxious this morning as I was due to see the new psychiatrist. I was not going to allow him to change my medication as I feel the best I have apart from the a fore mentioned things. I nearly canceled, because I was going alone and I was running a few minutes late on the hour drive, which was good as it did take my mind of everything except paying attention to the road and not speeding or driving stupidly. I got there. I did not have time to think about my dogs for the next hour .

He was brilliant. He really listened to me, (even though the connection was breaking up at times). It is done by Skype in my GPs office. I have to see her afterward otherwise I could have my appointment at home. This psychiatrist suggested Melatonin for helping me to sleep. It will depend how much this costs as it is not on the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme. PBS (government subsidy for low income earners, people with disabilities, chronic illness, pensioners pay $6.60Aus for any script on the list).

He was also supportive of my application for the Disability Pension Scheme which means that when I receive his letter I will finally be able to apply for this. If I am successful it will mean I no longer have to deal with Centrelink and Newstart! I will not have to go to the Job Provider Network for a review, and potentially be made to again do volunteering. Or look for work. That will be a relief . It would also mean a big increase in my fortnightly payment.

We chatted about quite a bit in this hour, and he was concerned about my not leaving my home and whilst he said because I was doing a positive thing in making myself go shopping and have coffee and talking to people. I was possibly borderline for Agrophobia. I have thought about that since arriving home and he is onto something. I need to be really aware of this. I need to keep doing what I am and also consider adding another small thing. To keep me from closing off totally.

Sometimes it takes other eyes to see something that you have been aware of but to actually voice it back to you as potentially detrimental.

The problem now lies in dealing with the process of applying and ticking all the boxes crossing every t and dotting every i and hoping sincerely hoping that I will be accepted. There are so many horror stories out there about people who have severe physical illnesses and combination of both physical and mental illness that break my heart when I read them and wonder how these people can be knocked back. I do have the help of a Community Health Social Worker who has been helping me with all my paperwork that I find too confusing. (I know I said I had my brain back lol nothing to do with paperwork).

So even though I am happy that this is a forward movement I understand and realise it is not a sure bet. So many people are knocked back. All I can do is follow the directions, have all the letters from Psychiatrist, Psychologist, and GP together with it and submit it all together and hope.

So I am thankful today that I went to my appointment, I met a good Psychiatrist, which made me feel a lot better. I am thankful that this Psychiatrist actually said I needed to be on the DSP. which made me feel less like a con which I have been as I seem so ‘normal’ when I am talking one on one or small groups over a coffee or just running into people. I am thankful that I have asked for help and that I am accepting it. I am thankful that I continue to move forward. I am thankful for the incredible welcome I got on my return home.

Blessings to You all Tazzie.

12

Do it for yourself

Why would I shy away from my meeting with my psychologist? Our last meeting was good, as it ended she made a small comment along the lines how good it was that I had three people helping me with supporting and helping me.

Its true, I have three professional people helping me just to manage the things in my life that I am no longer able to manage. This is a serious part of my CPTSD. It is a part that is not visible and something I struggle with in myself. I get frustrated and flustered with the fact I have had to ask for a social worker to help me with paperwork.

I have always been very independent and strong. I have always found it impossible to ask for help. I have had too. It sucks. It was so hard for me to respond when my GP referred me to the Social Worker. I do have to say she has been pretty great in dealing with Centrelink for me. It is good.

So for me hearing the words I had three people supporting and helping me, the words have sunk down into my dark place, quietly and my reaction is self preservation and do not talk to anyone!
The positive is that I am aware of what is going on. Which says how far I have come. Insight is always a good place to start.

My psychologist has sent an email. I of course have not read it yet. I will as I will also compile an honest email to share what has/is happening within me at the moment. Perhaps this will happen over the weekend.

The the three people who are supporting and helping are my psychologist, GP, and a Community Health social worker.

I need them all at this point in my life and I am very Very appreciative, and happy to have them to help me and support me as I keep moving in a forward direction.

If I could share one thing with anyone asking for support and help may be really hard. If you need some, ask for it. Having a social worker who is able to speak to Centrelink for example on my behalf, we had to have an authority signed by both of us to say she could. Just having this has been a huge help as I know I can contact my social worker and she will deal with the issue on my behalf. Dealing with Centrelink has triggered me a lot over the past years.

Pushing through my own emotions and anxiety to ask for help has been a positive thing for me. It can be for you too. If you need support and help. You like I did have to breathe and do it for yourself. Asking for help if and when you need it is a good thing.

I am thankful for the three people who are supporting and helping me on a professional level. I am thankful that I did ask for help.

blessings to you all Tazzie


6

Forgiveness

I ran into someone today in Huonville who asked me how I was, as they had not seen me for a while and I was very rarely on Facebook. I responded no I did not go on much. That I was actually not bad, and quite content being at home, attending to things. He asked me if I was unwell withdrawn or OK being at home.
I reassured him that I am perhaps feeling the best I have been in a long time. That I was OK at home. I was very aware I need to have social input. At the same time I know for me that I need to limit that.

I surprised myself when I said this. I also realised the truth I had spoken.

I enjoy my lifestyle and always have tended to be happy enough on my own (apart form when I lived with someone and especially when I lived with my partner for a lengthy number of years before he died).

I have a lifted spirit, and have be doing some small things in my home.

Now I do not think I have mentioned, that part of my CPTSD saw me become a hoarder. It was the way for me to keep people out of my home. It was cheaper than building a wall, and along with never asking anyone to visit, created a total impregnable barrier.

Several of years ago, while seeing another psychologist (whom I never really connected with Though he thought differently. Weird that, I read some notes he wrote to my GP at the time, whose office closed and I was able to get my complete notes from it ). He decided to work with the hoarding as my major issue.

This psychologist also encouraged/pushed me to be referred to a social worker. Who was a nice enough fellow, but not at all it seemed to me at the time, or in hindsight knowledgeable about hoarding and how to help.

I was extremely unwell at the time, and really was not able to say no to things. I also was fighting to stay out of hospital. As I did not want to have to be admitted to the mental health ward/s I had worked.

After a few visits at coffee shops with the social worker, and me sharing the issues of hoarding and my home with him. He somehow ended up coming into my house with my invitation. Within three days I had a skip and someone coming to help me get sorted. Perhaps anyone with anxiety, CPTSD and huge trust issues might understand the distress and angst I was feeling. I was extremely worried that the person coming would know me. Maybe in a professional capacity.

I also felt mortified because unbeknown to me the social worker had hired a large skip to my place.

The day came and the woman turned up. She was a lovely person, and I saw the disgust and sadness in her eyes. She was a doer. She was a cleaner not someone with knowledge or experience of assisting hoarders to work through the hoard and issues that go with that.

This was not her fault, and as she was in my home and I was so unwell mentally, that we both just began cleaning and throwing things out. All the while me feeling panicking, and sick in my stomach. I had a headache, my jaw was clenched and I did not want to chat. I dreaded each day she was due.

I did attempt to explain my situation. She bless her did her best. I on the other hand felt pressured and guilt, I was very ashamed and distressed. I continued with this set up for four weeks. In the end I had to say to the social worker that it was causing me great angst and I was feeling worse especially on the mornings she was due. I was triggered and I just wanted to not answer the door in fact I did not want to get out of bed.

It is quite strange even writing about this situation is causing the symptoms again.
In the end I explained to this lovely woman it was just not working for me. That I had appreciated her help very much. When she left I went to bed and did not get up for two days, except for the dogs and my needs, and food for the dogs.
I ignored for the next fortnight the Social workers calls, and messages.

Eventually I came out of my room and contacted him. He was helping to find a Mens Shed Organisation to come and take my partners wood turning and wood working set up as a donation.

This was going to be so hard for me. I had taken ages to decide what I wanted to do with it all. I thought about selling it but I was to unwell at the time and I just wanted it all gone.

I had been in his workshop and sorted through everything that I wanted to keep, I had taken some items into the house, and stacked everything else separately away in a corner. I showed the social worker what was to remain.

I knew it was going to be a traumatic and emotive time when the lathe and his own tools were removed. I could not be at home while it was happening. I explained this to the Social worker, and he reasured me he would be there.

I was numb when I left in the morning. I took my dogs for a walk along the river and then we went and met up with a friend at a local cafe. I was not thinking about any of it.

A few hours later I returned home with great trepidation. I was really uncertain how I was going to be impacted with my partners passion his wood turning lathe, his carving tools, his woodworking books, the band saw and the bench all gone.

I parked the car, let the dogs out and noted that the large skip was fairly full. I wandered over and to my dismay there were all the things I had put aside that I wanted. Things that I needed for the garden, some paint to finish some things. Bits and bob, netting for my fruit trees. All covered in oil and sawdust. I panicked and attempted to pull everything out, but items were broken, and as I said covered in oil. Some of the tins of paint had spilt. I was so upset. I recall I just threw my arms up in the air and sobbed loudly.

I then charged up the steps into the workshop. I stopped and was flummoxed. There was just an empty room. A totally EMPTY ROOM. All the shelving had been removed. All the containers of screws, nails, bolts, bits and pieces that my partner had saved, collected to repair things in your home. Especially when you are the person who built the home and know every nook and cranny every gap and thing that will get finished one day. The chain saw and drill, the axe. Paint rollers, brushes. My things that were now in the bin. Destroyed. All The very things I had said to the social worker were to stay!

How could this have happened.

I was floored. I was angry, wounded, I was bewildered, lost. I had made sure the social worker knew what was too go. What was to stay. How could this of happened? Of course it was to late to contact the social worker by this time.
A really bad nights sleep, and my mind just going over and over what did I do or say wrong that caused this to happen. Grief overwhelmed me, I had lost everything EVERYTHING and given away treasured items, I felt so let down.
I rang the social worker in the morning. It was quite weird and I have to honestly say I do not have a huge recollection of what happened, with the exception that he did say he was not there at my house when the men came to remove everything. I had never met any of these men, I did not know any of their names I did not even know where everything ended up. I know at that point I really just shut down. I could take no more.

I never spoke to this person again. I never reported or lodged a complaint. I just sat in my home, cuddling my dogs. I stayed home for a few days and began to hoard even more bizarre things. I did not go out, I did not shower, I did not clean, wash up. All I could manage was to ensure my lifelines, my dogs were exercised fed and loved.

The trust I had begun to rekindle in people was gone. TOTALLY and UTTERLY gone.

I did eventually realise how I was deteriorating and went to see my fantastic GP (who left a year later to go and become a psychiatrist) . It was through her I was put on the council program and met the psychologist I have now.

Now if I feel that my trust has been taken advantage off, or I have been manipulated I do not even bother to say anything. I just never go back to the place, or deal with the person, or continue the friendship of the person where I feel this has happened.

It took me so long to be able to ask for help.
Then to let someone inside my home and see how bad it was.
To let someone in to help me ‘clean’

Even now as I write I feel violated and that is such a weird word to write when I am talking about this.

I am OK and it always help to share and write things down I find.

I feel from my own perspective and experience. The ‘kind meaningful help’ that can be offered to anyone with a mental illness or chronic illness, a disabilty, are so very subjective and if respect and understanding, and most importantly keeping the promises you make as a paid support worker are not met.
I ponder how the duty of care is maintained.

Perhaps if I had lodged complaints about what occurred it might have helped. I was to unwell and mentally not competent to undertake this. Not even in a phone call. I could not even say what I really felt to the social worker.

What I do know is that it put me backwards in my treatment and I quit the psychologist at the same time, never explaining or seeing him again. He never followed up to see if I was OK.

I struggle now to let workman into my home. I need a couple of things fixed.
I let one in to fix a leak under my verandah door upstairs in my bedroom, that leaks into my kitchen.
He assured me he could do it. He was a lovely man. I had to call him back three times as each time (when it rained the leak was actually worse than it had been origianlly).
In the end he just said he could not do anything else? I wanted to scream, again I could not. I had paid him in full. (you only find out the job doesn’t work when it rains. I did not think to put the hose over it. So now I can not afford to pay someone else to fix it.
I dont have any trust in anyone else to fix it. I keep thinking I can probably fix it. (maybe I can). lol.
Living rurally can be hard to get anyone to come out here.

Even with sharing all of this, I still feel better than I have in a long time.
I am sleeping in weird patterns, I sleep for two weeks 12-14 hours then for 4 night 4-6 than the for some nights 8 hours. It seems to be a cyclic thing, so perhaps the medication. I also have really bizzare dreams and sleep very heavily. I do find taking paracetamol and ibuprofen seem to stop the dreams. That seem so real.

wow did this post go a way I did not see coming..

I am falling in love with my home, I am seeing it again, and wanting to slowly remove things. One of the things I was hoarding were cardboard boxes. To use to kill of the grass about the veggie area and pathways. Now I bring a box home, empty it, and then flatten it and go place it out side where I want it to go.
There are no boxes inside my home. Where a few months ago I had 30. One situation is being managed. I am proud of that.

Moving and improving your life with CPTSD is about so many things. I found forgiveness was a huge milestone for me. I may have posted this on another post. Forgiving the people who abused me. Not to their faces, or in writing. I just voice my forgiveness. I did it purely for me. I just basically with a sincere heart said. I forgive……,……, and……,……. ect for what they did to/at/against me. I will let it go.
I felt something give, something change. Like a hole opened and a light shone inside me. I felt brighter. I felt less anger.

It has been over a month closer to two since I did this.
I now am able to work on changing my mood and not fixate so much. I am more positive. This ties in to the very first paragraph.

I have forgiven the Social Worker and the Person who came to fix my leak. Again not in person, or a letter but for me. I feel a sense of another piece has fallen off my wall.

I am thankful that all this happened as it was through this whole shebang that I ended up on a Huon Valley Council mental health package where I met my current psychologist. I am so SO very thankful for Her.

I feel at peace in my home. I no longer want to flee, because I can not deal with the hoard and mess. I don’t like the way it is however I know that it is a very slow, time consuming and emotive at times, work in progress. That in all honesty I must do on my own.

Umm Have I mentioned I have a bit of a tendency for OCD. Now my psychologist explained it well to me. When my home is clean and comfortable. I tend to like my CDs in alphabetical order, my books in genre and alphbetised by Author. My pantry in food types and alphabetised, My wardrobe and drawers in type ie pants, shirts and within that colour groupings. So her feelings are that it part of what is inhibiting me.

Perhaps I will share more of my work in dealing with my hoarding here.

I also note that having connected with so many other peoples blogs some with CPTSD some with depression anxiety, physical, chronic, illnesses and disabilities, others with none. Connecting and reading stories written by wonderful writers, from all over the world.
Connecting with an supportive art group from beginners through. I am meeting people I would never have had the opportunity to have connected with in my life here in Tassie.

I feel so thankful to have all of these experiences, I feel thankful to have had my breakdown and I know that sounds really weird. I just see my life in such a very different way now, and I accept it. I also do not really care if others do not.

I am so happy to have connected (even if I have not done any painting this week ) with the art group, I am thankful for them and Charlie for his blog Doodlewash. https://doodlewash.com/

Thankful to my neighbours, who I know keep an eye on me.
Especially thankful to these two.

blessings to you all Tazzie

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Mindfulness

Photography is a very personal thing.
I tend to not have any particular passion for one thing over the other. I just enjoy recording what I see.

So many beautiful videos abound full of movement incredible vistas from all over the world. For me they are stunning but often with music and talking, busy busy. I need less.

For me the art of photography is a lot about mindfulness. Being very present in the moment.

They are unedited. Just simple and taken as I go about my life. So many people are so busy with video cameras instead of stopping and looking being still in the moment. Savouring being present still and for me so often at peace.

I was sitting in a paddock watching the clouds skimming over the hills. They were moving fast. I was watching this cloud when I realised it was unusual in that it looked as if the top had been sliced horizontally off.

Cloud formations are so interesting.

I find it quite lovely to sit out on my deck of an evening and night watching the sky and clouds. This was a stormy night and shows lightning behind the clouds, hitting the hills in the far distance. It makes me feel so small when I see and hear thunder and lightning storms. We do not normally get a lot of thunder and lightning storms where I live. Yet the last couple of years we have had more than ever in the time I have lived here.

Lightning in the clouds

Watching these particular clouds was fascinating. They really had the look of flying saucers, in 3D with the colours, and the way the shadows and light was hitting them. I immediately was taken to the song The Eve of War the song from War of the World.

Lenticular Clouds at sunset

The chances of anything coming from Mars
Are a million to one, he said (ah, ah)
The chances of anything coming from Mars
Are a million to one, but still, they come. (Chorus from The Eve of the War)

Songwriters: Jeff Wayne The Eve of the War lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Please note I am not talking about the horrendous movie from 2005 but the 1938 radio drama where Orson Welles then 23 had a play written by Howard Koch based on H.G. Wells novel The War of the Worlds. It was not great to begin with but with Welles revisions and input of others including the cast, it went on to cause purportedly major panic as people had believed it was real. The radio drama was broadcast with Welles Mercury Theatre on the Air the night before Halloween in 1938. If you are interested in learning more about his see the link below.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/infamous-war-worlds-radio-broadcast-was-magnificent-fluke-180955180/

The clouds are known as Lenticular clouds

My last photograph is a lovely morning reflection on the Huon River. It is not often you have the water so still. The Huon River is a tidal river that meets up with sea water. So with a shifting tide, and usually at least a breeze, wind or birds, disturbing the stillness this was a lovely moment to catch.

Mirror mirror reflection.

For me it is a timely reminder that being aware of my surroundings and taking the time to really look at nature, and all about me is a good way to reflect on how fortunate I am. It keeps me realising that I am blessed, even on my really bad days.

I wanted to share these today reminding me about the things that really help me to live with my CPTSD. To move forward.

Blessings to you all. Tazzie

12

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