Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 24, 2022 2

Living with CPTSD

Wondering sometimes if sharing so much of my own life and experience with this mental illness can cause some anxiety.
I ponder often if I just kept living my life in private would I be better off.

My answer is a resounding No.

I have not posted for a while and that is partly due to life, and more to do with not being so well. As for many people the holiday period can be unsettling. Yet mine personal experience has been more about what I have been hiding from myself.
I missed the time with people I care about and love, those I have welcomed into my life not necessarily those by birth. I do not celebrate ‘Christmas” the church holiday, nor am I a big fan of the commercialised concept.

After gorging on almost 3.5kg of Toblerone (darn supermarket had the huge huge blocks so cheap)plus a whole lot of other highly processed food. Over a couple of weeks, I realised I was not well. Yes physically but also mentally.

I had been with people on boxing day (26/12/2020) and it was really lovely.
Yet I had a dark area forming in my moods. I began to sink slowly not wanting to be but not really being able to stop. Feed my face feel angry, eat more, feel upset, eat more, yet no comfort did I feel from my emotional eating.

I feel my psychologist was aware that I might have been heading for a bit of a backstep. In combination with COvid and all the lockdowns seeing an increase in mental unwellness our Federal Government increased the number of visits to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor you could have to 20 a year. Prior to this it was 6 having over the past few years gone from being 12 to 6. So I am seeing my psychologist more often.

Shortly into the new year I had my first appointment. I really did not want to do a zoom, or talk to her. In the morning as the approaching time came my neck began to itch unbearably. As our meeting began, it became to so extreme I could not talk all I could do was rub my neck, jawline and cheeks. I had welts and rash from this, and it just was so intensely and utterly uncontrollable I just had to scratch. She offered to reschedule but I knew I wanted, to no needed to talk about what ever this was.

As I began to talk I just let the words come and what I discovered was I really wanted to have people over, to decorate my home for Yuletide(even though here it is summer). I wanted to celebrate the season, to share in what is in the northern hemisphere the returning of the sun and longer days. (Maybe I need to look at celebrating it in winter down here..lol ). Now we can not celebrate sitting around a fire (total fire ban) and daylight goes until nearly 10pm. But..the idea of just being a group and yes of women friends. Sitting sharing and talking about their passions. Being thankful for all we have.

As I really thought about it, the itchy remained and I was scratching and rubbing. Very aware of it, but also of the feeling or overwhelming sadness. tears rolled down my face as I began to have memories of wonderful times at my grandparents home. 40dC/104dF the combustion (wood fired stove) going cooking Christmas lunch in a tiny 2 bedroom fibro house with 9 people inside around the fan and a water filled air conditioner.
It was not just about being with my grandparents. It was something more. It was not perfect. It was simple it was hard work for my grandmother and mother.
I think it was that my Grandparents had decorated their tiny home with so much delight. There was a real feeling of wonder.
Perhaps that is just a simplistic childlike memory of a better time in my childhood. Yet it is a deep memory that has come out and changed me.

It was not instantly. I did not toss or give away the remaining highly processed food, nor get immediately back on my routine. (Yes I was totally off every aspect of my routine). Are you sick of my routine yet?

I have been kind to myself. I have not punished myself, or done the negative self talk as much as possible. I have sat with the feelings, working through them now rather than emotionally eating in an attempt to keep what ever my mind and body needed me to get out. As small and simple as this new knowledge been to me as I worked through all that was happening internally and externally, yes the hives continued for a week even with anithistamines. I now know more about what I need for myself.

Pushing myself to talk and work through the incredible discomfort of this as with so many other times on my path towards managing and maybe healing my mental illness. Is hard, intense, extraordinarily emotional and confronting at times yet worth it. For me my life now is about living my best life. MY LIFE.

What my CPTSD has taught me so far is that as a child my brain was so incredible at creating ways to keep me safe and living by just pushing all the screwed up shit that was my childhood so often deep inside me. I lived two lives the one at home an the one at school, the one where I tried to make friends, to be a friend yet even as a small child I was filled with rage and anger at what had been done and was being done to me.

Finally I am really aware that I love being alive. Even on my really bad days. I love that I am moving through so much that has happened in my lifetime, but especially in my childhood and adolescence. As hard as draining and scary sometimes letting these hidden experiences feelings and emotions out is, the understanding that each time this happens is a step forward for me to BE ME. As corny as that sounds.

So yes I will keep sharing my personal journey. My life. Its warts and all that happens. I am currently a mature aged woman who has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, who is not so afraid of the blackness as I was because I am learning that the blackness is all my trauma, all my fears, known and unknown. That part of my healing is working bloody hard to accept and let these fears,and emotions of my life experiences out. To just burp the bottle a bit at a time. Not every appointment with my psychologist is such. However for me it is the time after where I really develop understanding and can really explore what has happened in the appointment are where the biggest shifts in my life are. Where the new strength is and where my adult self is able to speak up. Say and do what I want not just need to live my life as I chose.

The other reason I keep sharing the good the bad and the unwell, is that not so many years ago the word Cancer was never said, then it was whispered about if someone had it as if it might be contagious. Well I see similarities with mental illness. As statistics say
•Mental illness is very common. One in five (20%) Australians aged 16-85 experience a mental illness in any year. The most common mental illnesses are depressive, anxiety and substance use disorder. These three types of mental illnesses often occur in combination. For example, a person with an anxiety disorder could also develop depression, or a person with depression might misuse alcohol or other drugs, in an effort to self-medicate. Of the 20% of Australians with a mental illness in any one year, 11.5% have one disorder and 8.5% have two or more disorders. Almost half (45%) Australians will experience a mental illness in their lifetime
. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2009). National Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing: Summary of Results, 4326.0, 2007. ABS: Canberra

By Rubina Kapil on February 6, 2019

Mental health and substance use challenges can take many forms. There’s depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, addiction and the list goes on. Some of these challenges are more visible and you might recognize them immediately. Others can be harder to see when you’re not looking for them. But, they are still there.

These statistics provide a look at how many people face a mental health or substance use challenge, whether we see it or not:

In the United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime.
5 percent of adults (18 or older) experience a mental illness in any one year, equivalent to 43.8 million people.
Of adults in the United States with any mental disorder in a one-year period, 14.4 percent have one disorder, 5.8 percent have two disorders and 6 percent have three or more.
Half of all mental disorders begin by age 14 and three-quarters by age 24.
In the United States, only 41 percent of the people who had a mental disorder in the past year received professional health care or other services.

So when you look at these figures my personal feelings are we need to be talking openly and honestly about our illnesses. This brings more understanding to others going through it, to family and friends of people who are dealing with CPTSD and PTSD. It makes the politicians more aware of the impacts on work experiences, prejudices of some employers, how difficult life really is, costs to individuals and families emotionally financially, more one on one services and packages for those of us unable to afford access to psychologists and psychiatrists. It may help to reduce suicide. Family issues. Our own issues. Employers/businesses will really understand why we might behave or respond in situations. Also Schools may begin to realise that so much of how and what they encourage as ‘normal’ is really not for everyone.

It may also help those younger folk who are not ‘fitting in’ to what society says is ‘normal life’ If I had known for me living out of town and not having heaps of social activities and lots of friends was perfectly normal and OK for me at a much younger age it may have been helpful.

blessings to You, Tazzie

January 20, 2021 15

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Me.

Even when life is so positive it can be quite a challenge when you have CPTSD or PTSD to manage when some bumps appear.

The difference for me now in my management and coping with my mental illness is I can usually work out or understand why behaviours and reactions occur and aspects of my life which had seemed under control, are obviously just under the surface and are ready to jump out and catch you when you are challenged.

I have to have a colonoscopy, and my GP rated it as urgent. Of course I read up on what and why I have had this rating. I find it very very interesting, and thankful that this is happening when I am so greatly improved and healthy mentally. Also having had some huge stress taken off my shoulders financially and dealing with Australian Government bureaucracy every fortnight to now not needing to do that.
I at least understand my instinctive reaction and am not dumping heaps of shit on my shoulders.

I have been working on emotional eating, and eating healthily. Unfortunately this situation has seen me comfort eating plus plus plus. Now I say that it is plus plus plus, when in actual fact for me what I am eating now is very different to what I would have been eating earlier this year. It is no where near the volume. Yet it is so much and of course with that the shame and frustration can begin to become an issue.

I have not let that happen. I acknowledge it is happening. I allow myself to eat and do what settles me right now. The difference is I am totally aware of everything I am eating. The best part is I begin to feel ill. Something in the past that did not happen. It is an acknowledgement that somewhere in my brain a part is aware this is too much. So instead of wolfing down 1 litre/2pints, of ice cream a huge packet of chips, and bags of lollies or biscuits I might eat 475ml/1pint of ice cream, half a pack or less of chips and maybe no biscuits or lollies, or just a handful. That is progress.. but most progress is I am aware of the whys, and understand the reason.

I am so anxious and frightened of what might be, even though my rational logical self which is very present knows it may be something or it may be only hemorrhoids or nothing really. It is a positive that I have chatted to my GP about it, it is a positive that the hospital has contacted me with forms to fill in.
My anxiety rose though as I filled in the forms. Next of Kin, I do not want to list any next of kin, I have to have someone pick me up. It is only a day procedure and probably only a couple of hours. The fact I have an hours drive after is the issue. I also have begun to be concerned for my dogs. Remember there is no date yet. Yet here I am my anxiety building. Deep breath.

Today I have thought about a few ways to manage this. My dogs can be left all day on their own at home. I have had to do it before. Non of us like it but…lol
I have to find someone who can bring me home, I am happy to catch a bus up to Hobart.
Or I put the dogs in a kennel overnight where I know they will be fine. I book into a hotel or bnb for the night after. Or see how much a taxi costs to bring me home post procedure it may be not a lot more expensive.lol

I feel it may be a huge step for me requiring me to ask for help. (memories of the last time I needed someone to help with taking me to my gp appointment when I had no car and no one would could help). A stranger ended up doing it for me. I was so touched.

The other part of the paperwork is the weight issue. I am morbidly obese I have no idea how much I way. I have lost a lot of inches over the last 12 months, which is great. threes sizes in chest and one in trousers blasted tummy.. and I was feeling so good. This requirement has me back in a place where I reach for comfort eating sigh. Like my depression I do not have any desire to go back there.

The overwhelming sense of dread, of firstly telling people that I need help, and secondly knowing that people will want to know the outcome. Deep breath.

The information wanted is too much for me. As I will not be having anyone in my home overnight, and I doubt I would need it…but they ask this question.
The next of kin stuff, and the person to pick up. Perhaps I will just advise them that I do not know at this point but will have someone on the day?

There really are so many assumptions made about people and the realities of people having others about them. Family, and close friends.

The weirder thing is I would be there for someone in a heart beat if I was up to it. To do it for someone else.

I just want to drive myself up and back.

See how someone with a mental illness like CPTSD thinks and looks at things. The reality of living with this illness for me.

This is just the filling in of the paperwork..lol I feel a call to my social worker next week is the logical thing.

I am trying very hard to keep moving forward, no matter how small. It is a struggle. But I am my routine a bit loose.. and the emotional eating. But again I am aware, I know why and what and will work through it.

As bad as this sounds. I am not so fearful of the end result it is as so often the not knowing. Since I saw my GP it is a bit like until I know my life is on hold in some manner. It isn’t totally I am doing some things, and am working in a manner to get my routine back on track.

I am fortunate in so many ways, thankful for all I have about me.

blessings to You all, Tazzie

November 6, 2020 5

To Do or Not to Do

I am not encouraged to write lists by my psychologist as when I do they can become a fixation of all that is too do about here. Interesting not writing any list is actually achieving more than having lists. I see why my psychologist made this suggestion to me now.

Let me explain what I am beginning to understand happens for me when I compile a To-Do List. I write all I know that needs to be done for me to feel that my house, meets some unwritten expectation a standard of acceptable that is in my mind.

Then add to that expectation that is hidden, yes hidden deep in the recess of my brain my own quirky need to feel that the house is not completely finished until everything is alphabetised or colour co-ordinated. Wow heavy stuff there.

Not only can I begin to get a feeling why I am basically frozen in place in regard to getting the inside of my house completed, well lets be totally honest here begun. I totally understand where and why this compulsion to meet ‘OTHERS EXPECTIONS’ in what is ‘MEETING THE ACCEPTABLE STANDARD’ of how my house must be before visitors could ever come inside. Or I could possible be happy to live here.

Two things hit me in the face immediately having written this in black and white. Every time I have referred to where I live in relation to this is my house, and not my home. Ponder that for a bit…

Second thing where the hell and who declared that houses had to meet a standard of acceptable.

Family yep from my maternal side. Interestingly my Grandmother was a cleaner in Motels/Hotels for many years. (I have cleaned houses and government offices).
My mother has always been a snob. Her world was always about having only the best and she would struggle to save and get it, fair enough and then when my parents business grew successful it became a much bigger issue. It was also the times I guess too.
Both of my parents families were poor, and my parents worked incredibly hard to give us kids a very different life with opportunities they could never have had. I am exceedingly grateful for that.

The really interesting things I recall from my younger years is that both sets of Grandparents always seemed so much more content than my parents.

My fathers business was all about image. He lucked out with me I could not really care about how I look or appear. I did play the game for many years, until I realised that I was really miserable and dying inside. So in my 30s I began to live more a life I found was right for me.

I still struggled with my two worlds and the power of parental indoctrination and severe punishment towards me for not meeting these ‘unknown acceptable standards’ in how a house has to be have been a massive issue all through my life.

Strangely I could only begin to see this clearly once I stopped seeing and speaking to any of my family. That was not that long ago. It has empowered me and has been a huge part in my moving forward I know.

The time is right for me to let go of the shackles of indoctrination and it is not just from my family, but media, those home renovation shows, the how to be successful concepts, movies, and uuugh celebrities and stupid reality TV shows. Advertising real estate agents magazines the morning shows. Even shows where people are building their own homes create this expectation in I am sure not just me.

I know what and how my home is going to be one day. It will be clean but not sanatised, there will be dirty dishes in the sink, but just that mornings until I wash up after dinner. There will always be books and stuff by my chair where I sit, knitting or crochet projects near bye. Plants and seedlings growing on shelves and in windows, dog hair, dog toys and dog blankets about the place. My photographic items and my paint and drawing items, along with my meditation and relaxation items.

There may very well be some muddy doggy paw prints on the floor as you come in (if it has been raining). Your clothes if you visit will have dog hair on them when you leave.

It will not have a big screen TV or a incredible sound system (no judgement you make your home as you desire). It will most likely have bread or a bikkies ( biscuits/cookies) in the oven, a home made cake. Good coffee and tea, but very simple food. It will be eclectic what many would think of as bohemian, to weird to ‘um very individual’ it will be me.

You would not be stepping over stuff on the floor, or moving about things hoping you knock nothing off. As it is currently. I can live with how it is right now as I have but it is gnawing at me. There is an feeling of the time is coming to begin.

As I type that I feel tight in my chest and neck a bit nauseous. I know why I am reacting like this. I am growing more and more attuned to why my somatic symptoms occur in regard to my thoughts of the inside of my house.

It is not as over whelming to me these days, it bugs me,

There is a lot you may have seen hoarders homes on TV, mine is nowhere near as bad as many of them but it is medium level I feel. There are no tall piles of stuff. I did have a few spots where there were and over the past few months have been very mindful to just take some things out and put them in the bin. So they are gone. Brilliant.

My kitchen is perhaps the worst area it is pretty disgusting. No it is really disgusting. I am being honest here.

I did decide for some reason to bring all my clothes into the living area, and they had been sitting on the lounge for months. They are all clean. I would just wash my clothes and chuck them on the pile.

I decided last week to begin on the living room. I wanted to position my lounge so that I could see the view and watch the TV plus be fairly close to the fire, (I will need to redress this most likely but that is another story). So the clothes were put on the stairs, and I was going to fold them up. Well that did not happen, and so the clean clothes have been siting in a pile on the table and chairs oozing over onto the floor. But the lounge it clear and the dogs and I all can sit on it together. Priorities may be skewed to some of you, but this is my journey.

I did throw a few items of clothing away. Yeah! I also created a pile of clothes to mend. Sigh, I can mend them, but will I. I cant afford to buy new things and these mended clothes extend my choices. Stop StOP. do not think about that now.

Ooops I am begining to make lists, even here and then I tend towards over thinking and exhausting my brain as it all just becomes too much and I freeze again. We have come complete circle now and perhaps it is clear to some of you reading this that my mind works in a interesting manner.

I still have a sort of fluid list stored in my brain. It does not cause me distress or angst, and interestingly as I said in the beginning of this post, things are getting done.

I am proud today as I have noticed grass growing in several places of my guttering, for months today I decided it needed to be removed and I did it cleaning out the gutter and now the forecast heavy rain will not back up and flow over potentially into the house. I am smiling as I write this.

A simple and small step, as I keep moving forward. I have not walked today as I have been doing some things in the garden and the gutter in preparation for the heavy rain, I did take the dogs for a drive and they ran. I aim to go for a short walk up the hill. If I do not I will not beat myself up.

I am thankful that I will be able to relax now and not stress about potential damage from overflowing gutters. I am thankful for how much better I am feeling since following my routine of regular bed lights out time, exercise and eating healthier. I am thankful for the sunshine today. I am thankful that many of my seedlings on the deck are growing well and looking healthy. I am thankful for my physical health and the improvement in my mental health. I am thankful for clean air, clean fresh water, more than enough food to eat. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the ability to be warm and dry. I am thankful for all the insects and frogs in my garden. I am thankful to have seen some honey bees about the garden today. I am thankful for a reprieve from the wind. I am thankful for my neighbours, and you.

blessings Tazzie

April 28, 2020 2

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

April 25, 2020 21

I am …

I am personally in very fortunate situation in the current world pandemic and financial/economic situation. Yet I feel quite anxious not for myself but for so many people in Australia and of course Overseas.
For those who may be reading my post. I am not blowing my own trumpet or being sanctimonious. I have lived with NO Income no Centrlink, I have almost been homeless in my life. I have had debt so bad I almost had to declare bankruptcy. (such a horrible situation). I have worked at very low paid jobs. I put myself through University at the age of 30. I have had to ask for help from Salvation army to have food.

I have been on a very low income NewStart for a few years now, and have managed to keep out of debt. Only as I have shared previously because I own my home out right. That in these incredibly stressful and worrying times makes me so fortunate. I also do not have children. Which also means I have not the added worry and stress about children and their needs. I can and will not say I understand or know how you are feeling!

iWhat is important is to not become ill with our anxiety/depression. Or exacerbate it. Keep reminding your self your feelings are normal and appropriate for the situation.

I find not watching TV and avoiding things such as YouTube or face book, for 24 hours or longer is a big help to reduce my anxiety. Be honest as you can with your children. I will watch humourous videos and things that have nothing to do with the world situation. Because I have no control over any thing except my personal response to it. I know it cam make me really anxious and potentially depressed. so I choose how much and when to watch it.

We are all in for a rocky road. ALL so keeping in touch on here is great. We can all help each other. As we all experience anxiety and depression. we are a country that produces food, all year round. due to our different climates. We have good police services and if needed military. We hopefully would only need military to help deliver food and essentials to remote ares.

The world has experienced things that have caused huge changes and yes the recession here back in the 90s. and the great depression and WWII there are many of us who have been un/lucky to have had our parents and grandparents teach us how to manage as they have lived through these times and raising their children. Don’t be afraid to ask questions here, and share Your feelings. I wish I could hug you and say it is going to be OK. I truly believe it will be different, for quite some time It will be a different OK.

In comparison to those who are now facing the huge queues at the Australian Centrelink Offices (Centrelink is the organisation that pays benefits for unemployment in Australia). Or the frustration of those attempting to phone or complete their applications on line.
Those of who have been on Centrelink for any length of time before this know what you are going through. It is a pain. Perhaps the Government will have more positions for employment there. TO ease the burden on staff. (they have been cutting it back so much. It has come to bite them in the buttocks).

I imagine for those hospitality staff who now find themselves unemployed as a huge number of employees would be casuals, and students. Potentially with no savings at all and being casuals receive no holiday or sick leave.

To be told they can apply for benefits and that their will be the Federal Governments Financial Rescue package to help all of those coming onto Newstart now known as Jobsearch. Will be some relief.
It will also be for the next 6 months doubled.

So for those like myself who have been living on $550a fortnight for a couple of years, and unable to look for work due to my mental illness, and everyone else have been struggling to manage. (Again I write I am one of the very fortunate people in that I have due to my circumstances). This extra income will be a huge blessing.

For those who meet the criteria to receive the Jobsearch payment now the amount the Federal Government will be paying everyone (that is including those of us already on it) will be $1100 a fortnight for the next six months. I imagine for those who require rent assistance that will double too. There are other payments for those on all benefits.

I am very appreciative for this extra money. It is huge for those of us who have been living on the previous level.

The concept is that we the recipents will be spending it to keep the economy going. My personal thing will be when I receive this money to actually save it, do a few things like fix my tap and a leak in my house. But then save any extra money.

I do not see things pan out the way the Federal Government; is hoping that we will be out of the economic dark woods in six months. Due to this I will also put some credit on things like my rates, insurance and electricity. The rest of the fortnightly benefit I will be saving.

I do feel that a lot of people who have become unemployed in the last few days believe that this money will be in their bank accounts in a few days. Sadly that is not how Centrelink or the Federal Government works. It will be weeks before that will happen. That is if you are eligible.

I imagine for some people they may go out and buy a new TV, others will just use it to clear debts. I am not too sure how many people will be spending it on non essentials. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I guess take away food (which is all you can get in Australia now from any cafe or restaurant or pub, that is keeping open). will be high on quite a few peoples lists.

I imagine that some businesses will find they can have their staff work from home and save on office costs and rent.

I am not sure what will happen to the tourist industry. Sadly I live in a State Tasmania the island state of Australia that is pretty heavily reliant on tourism for many many businesses. Our State Government has shut our boarders to only essential travellers, and not even allowing 14 days quarantine, but will be turning back non essential travelers. I really believe that this will be so detrimental to my home state, many businesses may close for ever. A new gym opened in Huonville only a month ago. Poor guys.

I have been reassuring people in the groups I am involved with here in Australia that we are not headed for a Mad Max,or Pandemic the movie senario. That people robbbed, broke into homes, beat up people and killed people before this happened and there will be some pieces of human excreta who will continue. Just as those pieces fo human excreta that are hoarding items to sell at inflated prices. (I am pretty certain they will generally be tracked and found on the internet and I would hope public named and shamed). I do not apologies for that. My personal feelings and opinion.

I am also very fortunate to know how to budget and eat simple meals, I am also fine with eating the same meals several days in a row.
I do feel that many people may have problems with some of the things they may no longer be able to get if they can not be imported.

I know I am also very fortunate to live on land and have a existing vegetable garden. The beauty is so many Australians have been doing that too, in their gardens on their balcony’s. A lot also have backyard chickens.

I want to say to people panicking about fresh food in Australia. We are one of the most fortunate countries, in that being such a big continent and covering so many lattitudes we can grow so much for ourselves. What is out of season down here in Tasmania may be growning up in Queesnland.

Yes we may not have everything you want available. Yes it may cost a bit more. That is because the cheap food from Asia and China perhaps will not be available. We may begin to be paying the price that food should cost to keep our farmers in business.
Look at the size of your serves. Many of us myslef included eat way more food than we actually need. We are also very guilty of throwing so much edible food out! Just thrown in the bin. What a great thing that this might change!
Simple food, and coming into winter again stews and soups so delicous and filling. Economical too if you know how.

If you are finding you are bored that says YOU need to do something for YOURSELF because only you can change that.
Even in the cities we here in Australia can still go out for walks as long as we social distance. You can still visit libraries. Walk about the park, and really look at the trees and bird life. Breathe deeply and see what is happening about YOU.

Turn on some music loud and dance and laugh. Grow some herbs on your windowsill even try garlic in a container as long as it is deeper than 15cm you might be surprise at how one clove might give you in 9months a whold head.

When you are feeling really overwhelmed do something child like, make a fort and read a book in it. watch some cartoons some have great things for adults contained in them.

Have a group skype with friends regularly. Write your friends letters. and send them in the mail!! WOAH,

Be caring and supportive with people around Y0u . If you live with others you are going to piss each other off if you are in close proximity . Acknowledge that and don’t dwell on it.

Boredom is your responsibility and no one else’s.

I also have heard people complaining that
hey are not getting any financial support. I am really sorry for that . Keep checking because things are changing all the time. Do not take it out on anyone who is! AGAIN it is NOT Their fault.

If you can be kind be supportive and compassionate. I have seen so many lovely things in the shops and in my comunity. People ensuring neighbours are OK for toilet paper, flour rice beans things that You can not at the moment get.
It is a situation that we are all experiencing.

It is important to have support and be in touch with people. I know myself if I isolate for too long it makes my CPTSD worse. So I can no longer go and sit at my faviourite cafes to have a coffee and chat to people. I can keep connected through here and with people on my skype and mobile phone.

blessings to You all. Tassie.

March 24, 2020 6

Anxiety You and What is happening now.

I have been on a face book site I am a member of for people with anxiety and depression. It has been filled today with huge amounts of discussion and almost 100% of the members have been on and almost all of them have been saying their anxiety is through the roof.

My response to this is that this is appropriate anxiety. It is appropriate for the current and ever changing situation that is happening in Australia and many other countries today.
The thing to remember is that when you have anxiety as a mental illness, there will still be things out of your control and out of your experience that will create anxiety and stress.

What I believe is that most people in Australia and other countries with Covid-19 are anxious, very anxious and stressed. This is understandable and there is absolutely nothing that we have control over except our own health and well being.
Firstly follow the guidelines of social spacing and hygiene, sneezing coughing. If you are told to isolate do so and do not leave your home. It potentially could put others who may be more susceptible at risk.

This afternoon has seen huge changes in Victoria and NSW two states with most of the Australian population in them. They are closing all businesses except essential services. So for most of us that would be supermarkets, chemists/pharmacys, gas, electricity, petrol stations, doctors. Everything else will be closed. Schools in Victoria will close on Tuesday they are essentially bringing the holidays forward. Schools in NSW will be on tomorrow but will be reviewed. The Prime Minister is asking people to only travel for essential reasons.

Tasmania my island home closed its boarders on Friday night at midnight, Northern Territory have closed theirs as the risk to the Aboriginal community who live ‘more traditional lifestyles’ than those in the cities, is of concern. Diabetes is quite high in these communities. To loose any elders to this disease would be disastrous not too say loosing anyone is bad.

Understandably there is much confusion. In Tasmania supermarkets have been running out of flour, rice, oats, powder milk, long life milk, toilet paper, frozen vegetables, and now that supermarkets have come to their senses and put limits on for all of those that HAVE TO SHOP WEEKLY OR Fortnightly because they are on low incomes pensioners, and benefit recipients, who can not afford to stock up. They are the losers. Those who can least afford to miss out on food.

I went in to buy a tin of tomatoes, two tins of beans for a chili I was making for dinner. I could only buy two tins of vegetables full stop. Not two tins of a vegetable. I had to put one tin of beans back. That was fine for me. How would a family manage?

There was a little good news from our local IGA supermarket, they explained that the warehouses in Tasmania were caught unaware and usually have stock but delays in shipping supplies had meant that things went low. They were hoping to be back to relative normal soon.

To me this is the sort of thing the Tasmanian Government should be telling people. Be honest tell us what is happening to our food and sanitation products coming from the mainland. If they knew there might be a shortage than the supermarkets the moment they realised panic buying was happening should have put a halt to it. Only allowing one packet of toilet paper a day per customer.

Here in Australia we are being told it could be six months before any semblance of normal is back in place. The Government is attempting to fund support for many people and businesses. as seen by the media release below.

Media release 22 Mar 2020 Prime Minister, Treasurer

The Commonwealth Government has today released the second stage of its economic plan to cushion the economic impact of the coronavirus and help build a bridge to recovery.

A total of $189 billion is being injected into the economy by all arms of Government in order to keep Australians in work and businesses in business.

This includes $17.6 billion for the Government’s first economic stimulus package, $90 billion from the RBA and $15 billion from the Government to deliver easier access to finance, and $66.1 billion in today’s economic support package.

Our economic support package includes:

Support for households including casuals, sole-traders, retirees and those on income support
Assistance for businesses to keep people in a job
Regulatory protection and financial support for businesses to stay in business

The Prime Minister Scott Morrison said the Government was acting to cushion the blow from the coronavirus for businesses and households to help them get through to the other side of the crisis.

“We want to help businesses keep going as best they can and for as long as they can, or to pause instead of winding up their business. We want to ensure that when this crisis has passed Australian businesses can bounce back,” the Prime Minister said.

“Our focus is on cushioning the blow and providing hope to every Australian that we will get through this and come out the other side together.

“We know this will be temporary. That’s why all our actions are geared towards building a bridge, keeping more people in work, enhancing the safety net for those that aren’t and keeping businesses alive so they can get to the other side and stand up their workforce as quickly as possible.

“We know Australia’s more than 3 million small and medium businesses are the engine room of our economy. When they hurt, we all hurt.

“The next few months are going to be a difficult journey but we all have a role to play to adapt to the changes we’re facing, to cushion the impact of what is happening and to pull together so we can bounce back when we get to the other side.”

The Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the $189 billion economic support package was the equivalent of 9.7 per cent of GDP.

“The Government is taking unprecedented action to strengthen the safety net available to Australians that are stood down or lose their jobs and increasing support for small businesses that do it tough over the next six months.

“These measures build significantly on what we have already announced.

“These extraordinary times demand extraordinary measures.”

Support for workers and households

Coronavirus supplement

The Government is temporarily expanding eligibility to income support payments and establishing a new, time-limited Coronavirus supplement to be paid at a rate of $550 per fortnight. This will be paid to both existing and new recipients of the JobSeeker Payment, Youth Allowance jobseeker, Parenting Payment, Farm Household Allowance and Special Benefit.

The Coronavirus supplement will be paid for the next 6 months. Eligible income support recipients will receive the full amount of the $550 Coronavirus supplement on top of their payment each fortnight.

This measure is estimated to cost $14.1 billion over the forward estimates period.

An increase of up to 5,000 staff for Services Australia will assist to support delivery of new Government measures.

Payments to support households

In addition to the $750 stimulus payment announced on 12 March 2020, the Government will provide a further $750 payment to social security and veteran income support recipients and eligible concession card holders, except for those who are receiving an income support payment that is eligible to receive the Coronavirus supplement.

This second payment will be made automatically from 13 July 2020 to around 5 million social security, veteran and other income support recipients and eligible concession card holders. Around half of those that benefit are pensioners.

The first payment will be made from 31 March 2020 to people who will have been on one of the eligible payments any time between 12 March 2020 and 13 April 2020.

This measure is estimated to cost $4 billion over the forward estimates period.

Early release of superannuation

The Government will allow individuals in financial stress as a result of the Coronavirus to access up to $10,000 of their superannuation in 2019-20 and a further $10,000 in 2020-21.

Eligible individuals will be able to apply online through myGov for access of up to $10,000 of their superannuation before 1 July 2020. They will also be able to access up to a further $10,000 from 1 July 2020 for another three months. They will not need to pay tax on amounts released and the money they withdraw will not affect Centrelink or Veterans’ Affairs payments.

This measure is estimated to cost $1.2 billion over the forward estimates period.

Temporarily reduce superannuation minimum drawdown rates

The Government is temporarily reducing superannuation minimum drawdown requirements for account based pensions and similar products by 50 per cent for 2019-20 and 2020-21. This measure will benefit retirees by providing them with more flexibility as to how they manage their superannuation assets.

Reducing social security deeming rates

On top of the deeming rate changes made at the time of the first package, the Government is reducing the deeming rates by a further 0.25 percentage points to reflect the latest rate reductions by the RBA.

As of 1 May 2020, the lower deeming rate will be 0.25 per cent and the upper deeming rate will be 2.25 per cent.

The change will benefit around 900,000 income support recipients, including Age Pensioners.

This measure is estimated to cost $876 million over the forward estimates period.

Assistance to business to keep people in a job

Boosting Cash Flow for Employers

The Government is providing up to $100,000 to eligible small and medium sized businesses, and not‑for-profits (including charities) that employ people, with a minimum payment of $20,000. These payments will help businesses’ and not-for-profits’ cash flow so they can keep operating, pay their rent, electricity and other bills and retain staff.

Under the enhanced scheme from the first package, employers will receive a payment equal to 100 per cent of their salary and wages withheld (up from 50 per cent), with the maximum payment being increased from $25,000 to $50,000. In addition, the minimum payment is being increased from $2,000 to $10,000. The payment will be available from 28 April 2020.

By linking the payments to business to staff wage tax withholdings, businesses will be incentivised to hold on to more of their workers.

The payments are tax free, there will be no new forms and payments will flow automatically through the ATO.

This measure will benefit around 690,000 businesses employing around 7.8 million people, and around 30,000 NFPs (including charities).

Small and medium business entities with aggregated annual turnover under $50 million and that employ workers are eligible. NFPs entities, including charities, with aggregated annual turnover under $50 million and that employ workers will now also be eligible. This will support employment at a time where NFPs are facing increasing demand for services.

An additional payment is also being made from 28 July 2020. Eligible entities will receive an additional payment equal to the total of all of the Boosting Cash Flow for Employers payments received.

This measure is estimated to cost $31.9 billion over the forward estimates period, including the value of the measure announced in the first package.

Regulatory protection and financial support for businesses to stay in business

Coronavirus SME Guarantee Scheme

The Government will establish the Coronavirus SME Guarantee Scheme which will support small and medium enterprises (SMEs) to get access to working capital to help them get them through the impact of the coronavirus.

Under the Scheme, the Government will guarantee 50 per cent of new loans issued by eligible lenders to SMEs.

The Government’s support will enhance lenders’ willingness and ability to provide credit to SMEs with the Scheme able to support $40 billion of lending to SMEs.

The Scheme will complement the announcement the Government has made to cut red-tape to allow SMEs to get access to credit faster. It also complements announcements made by Australian banks to support small businesses with their existing loans.

This builds on the investment the Government is making to enable smaller lenders to continue supporting Australian consumers and small businesses, through providing the AOFM an investment capacity of $15 billion to invest in wholesale funding markets used by small authorised deposit-taking institutions (ADI) and non-ADI lenders.

It further supports the Reserve Bank of Australia’s announcement of a $90 billion term funding facility for ns ADIs, that will reduce the cost of lending, with particular incentives to lend to small and medium enterprises.

The measures the Government is announcing today, along with the previous announcements, will deliver a total of $125 billion to support Australians get through the impact of the coronavirus.

The Government will guarantee up to $20 billion to support $40 billion in SME loans.

Providing temporary relief for financially distressed businesses

The Government is temporarily increasing the threshold at which creditors can issue a statutory demand on a company and the time companies have to respond to statutory demands they receive. The package also includes temporary relief for directors from any personal liability for trading while insolvent. The Corporations Act 2001 will be amended to provide temporary and targeted relief for companies to deal with unforeseen events that arise as a result of the Coronavirus.

This builds on the support for business and business investment provided in our first economic support package, which included:
increasing the instant asset write off
backing business investment by providing accelerated depreciation deductions
supporting apprentices and trainees
targeted support for Coronavirus-affected regions and communities

Support for the aviation industry

As previously announced, the Government is also providing up to $715 million in support for Australian airlines and airports, which will ensure that our aviation sector receives timely cash flow support through an unprecedented period of disruption to international and domestic air travel.

While these are challenging times, Australians can rest assured that the Commonwealth Government will do all that is necessary to support them and build a bridge to ensure that all Australians can get to the other side of this crisis.

For all who are rightly anxious and stressed at this time, it is appropriate for what we are all potentially going to be going through. For those of us who have a mental illness especially, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, it is very important you keep in touch with people. Get support from others who have these mental illnesses, who understand what you might be feeling.

To acknowledge that all of this is beyond our individual fault. We can not control anything except our hygiene keeping the social distancing, maintaining exercise, get vitamin d as we approach shorter daylight, and plenty of sleep. The stress and anxiety relating to the current situation is not your illness, it needs to be acknowledge as such as I believe nearly every Australian will be feeling similar to you right now.

Blessing to You all. Tazzie

March 22, 2020 8

Psychiatrist, the good …sure beat the not good. (might trigger)

One of the hardest things for me is to leave my dogs at home when I have to go somewhere. It happens rarely if it is going to be a hot day and it is not safe to leave them in the car, it is raining heavily and I can’t leave the windows down or it is stormy with wind. Today was going to be warm, humid, stormy and windy. All things that Busby would not deal with in the car. I made the choice to leave them at home.

I almost cance

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I have had anxiety since I was in my teens that I am aware of, it may have been earlier but I do not have any recollection. I developed depression in my early twenties. I first tried to kill myself when I was 22.

Most people will be aware of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) but many people will not have heard of CPTSD.

It differs from PTSD in that instead of one traumatic event that impacts a person. The person, with CPTSD has had this occur in early childhood, and had repeated and long term trauma/s.

I explain this because I have certainly found myself having to explain and justify, why I am not able to work, enough times to make me annoyed.

When I can go out and basically all I do manage these days is shopping, once a week usually, appointments and my dogs exercise. (not sounding so healthy that Tazzie).

I have insight and know I am perhaps borderline Agrophobic. Why am I writing about this today? Whilst I really enjoy being at home and I am content at home, I do have anxiety sometimes and panic attacks , not as bad as some people. Mine tend to have me itching, hot and sweating ,heart racing and red in the face and neck. Perhaps not what most people would see as a panic attack.

I went to see a new Psychiatrist today; as the one I was seeing decided he did not want to see me any longer. I do not think he liked some of my comments to him about his not hearing me, or understanding the reality of my rural life, and my concerns over going on Ritalin. Having been a nurse I always check out any Doctor (no not just google but on reserch and journal articles, if they are affiliated with a university what the professional descriptions states.
I am not intimidated by any Doctor. I was a Registered Nurse and Had specialist Post Grad degree in Mental Health Nursing so will speak my mind. A doctor who hears ME and sees ME as an individual rather than seeming to have his or her own agenda, is upfront direct and honest. I will respect him or her.

I needed to see a psychiatrist as my Psychologist (who is not a Clinical Psychologist) and my GP both feel that the chances of me working or volunteering (which I have attempted unsecessfuly ) successfully in the foreseeable future is Nil. They agree I need to be applying for the Disability Pension.

For that I need to have an assessment and a letter from Clinical Psychologist or a Psychiatrist. Which is why I have been and am seeing a Psychiatrist.

So I saw the previous mentioned psychiatrist for 5 months the medication (other than the Ritalin) he prescribed me has helped my cognitive function so much that I almost feel my brain is back. The side effects are not wonderful sleeping to much for periods and than not enough, weird bizarre dreams so real that I wake up and have to remember it was a dream. These I am prepared to live with.

I was so anxious this morning as I was due to see the new psychiatrist. I was not going to allow him to change my medication as I feel the best I have apart from the a fore mentioned things. I nearly canceled, because I was going alone and I was running a few minutes late on the hour drive, which was good as it did take my mind of everything except paying attention to the road and not speeding or driving stupidly. I got there. I did not have time to think about my dogs for the next hour .

He was brilliant. He really listened to me, (even though the connection was breaking up at times). It is done by Skype in my GPs office. I have to see her afterward otherwise I could have my appointment at home. This psychiatrist suggested Melatonin for helping me to sleep. It will depend how much this costs as it is not on the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme. PBS (government subsidy for low income earners, people with disabilities, chronic illness, pensioners pay $6.60Aus for any script on the list).

He was also supportive of my application for the Disability Pension Scheme which means that when I receive his letter I will finally be able to apply for this. If I am successful it will mean I no longer have to deal with Centrelink and Newstart! I will not have to go to the Job Provider Network for a review, and potentially be made to again do volunteering. Or look for work. That will be a relief . It would also mean a big increase in my fortnightly payment.

We chatted about quite a bit in this hour, and he was concerned about my not leaving my home and whilst he said because I was doing a positive thing in making myself go shopping and have coffee and talking to people. I was possibly borderline for Agrophobia. I have thought about that since arriving home and he is onto something. I need to be really aware of this. I need to keep doing what I am and also consider adding another small thing. To keep me from closing off totally.

Sometimes it takes other eyes to see something that you have been aware of but to actually voice it back to you as potentially detrimental.

The problem now lies in dealing with the process of applying and ticking all the boxes crossing every t and dotting every i and hoping sincerely hoping that I will be accepted. There are so many horror stories out there about people who have severe physical illnesses and combination of both physical and mental illness that break my heart when I read them and wonder how these people can be knocked back. I do have the help of a Community Health Social Worker who has been helping me with all my paperwork that I find too confusing. (I know I said I had my brain back lol nothing to do with paperwork).

So even though I am happy that this is a forward movement I understand and realise it is not a sure bet. So many people are knocked back. All I can do is follow the directions, have all the letters from Psychiatrist, Psychologist, and GP together with it and submit it all together and hope.

So I am thankful today that I went to my appointment, I met a good Psychiatrist, which made me feel a lot better. I am thankful that this Psychiatrist actually said I needed to be on the DSP. which made me feel less like a con which I have been as I seem so ‘normal’ when I am talking one on one or small groups over a coffee or just running into people. I am thankful that I have asked for help and that I am accepting it. I am thankful that I continue to move forward. I am thankful for the incredible welcome I got on my return home.

Blessings to You all Tazzie.

March 18, 2020 12

Do it for yourself

Why would I shy away from my meeting with my psychologist? Our last meeting was good, as it ended she made a small comment along the lines how good it was that I had three people helping me with supporting and helping me.

Its true, I have three professional people helping me just to manage the things in my life that I am no longer able to manage. This is a serious part of my CPTSD. It is a part that is not visible and something I struggle with in myself. I get frustrated and flustered with the fact I have had to ask for a social worker to help me with paperwork.

I have always been very independent and strong. I have always found it impossible to ask for help. I have had too. It sucks. It was so hard for me to respond when my GP referred me to the Social Worker. I do have to say she has been pretty great in dealing with Centrelink for me. It is good.

So for me hearing the words I had three people supporting and helping me, the words have sunk down into my dark place, quietly and my reaction is self preservation and do not talk to anyone!
The positive is that I am aware of what is going on. Which says how far I have come. Insight is always a good place to start.

My psychologist has sent an email. I of course have not read it yet. I will as I will also compile an honest email to share what has/is happening within me at the moment. Perhaps this will happen over the weekend.

The the three people who are supporting and helping are my psychologist, GP, and a Community Health social worker.

I need them all at this point in my life and I am very Very appreciative, and happy to have them to help me and support me as I keep moving in a forward direction.

If I could share one thing with anyone asking for support and help may be really hard. If you need some, ask for it. Having a social worker who is able to speak to Centrelink for example on my behalf, we had to have an authority signed by both of us to say she could. Just having this has been a huge help as I know I can contact my social worker and she will deal with the issue on my behalf. Dealing with Centrelink has triggered me a lot over the past years.

Pushing through my own emotions and anxiety to ask for help has been a positive thing for me. It can be for you too. If you need support and help. You like I did have to breathe and do it for yourself. Asking for help if and when you need it is a good thing.

I am thankful for the three people who are supporting and helping me on a professional level. I am thankful that I did ask for help.

blessings to you all Tazzie

March 13, 2020 6

Forgiveness

I ran into someone today in Huonville who asked me how I was, as they had not seen me for a while and I was very rarely on Facebook. I responded no I did not go on much. That I was actually not bad, and quite content being at home, attending to things. He asked me if I was unwell withdrawn or OK being at home.
I reassured him that I am perhaps feeling the best I have been in a long time. That I was OK at home. I was very aware I need to have social input. At the same time I know for me that I need to limit that.

I surprised myself when I said this. I also realised the truth I had spoken.

I enjoy my lifestyle and always have tended to be happy enough on my own (apart form when I lived with someone and especially when I lived with my partner for a lengthy number of years before he died).

I have a lifted spirit, and have be doing some small things in my home.

Now I do not think I have mentioned, that part of my CPTSD saw me become a hoarder. It was the way for me to keep people out of my home. It was cheaper than building a wall, and along with never asking anyone to visit, created a total impregnable barrier.

Several of years ago, while seeing another psychologist (whom I never really connected with Though he thought differently. Weird that, I read some notes he wrote to my GP at the time, whose office closed and I was able to get my complete notes from it ). He decided to work with the hoarding as my major issue.

This psychologist also encouraged/pushed me to be referred to a social worker. Who was a nice enough fellow, but not at all it seemed to me at the time, or in hindsight knowledgeable about hoarding and how to help.

I was extremely unwell at the time, and really was not able to say no to things. I also was fighting to stay out of hospital. As I did not want to have to be admitted to the mental health ward/s I had worked.

After a few visits at coffee shops with the social worker, and me sharing the issues of hoarding and my home with him. He somehow ended up coming into my house with my invitation. Within three days I had a skip and someone coming to help me get sorted. Perhaps anyone with anxiety, CPTSD and huge trust issues might understand the distress and angst I was feeling. I was extremely worried that the person coming would know me. Maybe in a professional capacity.

I also felt mortified because unbeknown to me the social worker had hired a large skip to my place.

The day came and the woman turned up. She was a lovely person, and I saw the disgust and sadness in her eyes. She was a doer. She was a cleaner not someone with knowledge or experience of assisting hoarders to work through the hoard and issues that go with that.

This was not her fault, and as she was in my home and I was so unwell mentally, that we both just began cleaning and throwing things out. All the while me feeling panicking, and sick in my stomach. I had a headache, my jaw was clenched and I did not want to chat. I dreaded each day she was due.

I did attempt to explain my situation. She bless her did her best. I on the other hand felt pressured and guilt, I was very ashamed and distressed. I continued with this set up for four weeks. In the end I had to say to the social worker that it was causing me great angst and I was feeling worse especially on the mornings she was due. I was triggered and I just wanted to not answer the door in fact I did not want to get out of bed.

It is quite strange even writing about this situation is causing the symptoms again.
In the end I explained to this lovely woman it was just not working for me. That I had appreciated her help very much. When she left I went to bed and did not get up for two days, except for the dogs and my needs, and food for the dogs.
I ignored for the next fortnight the Social workers calls, and messages.

Eventually I came out of my room and contacted him. He was helping to find a Mens Shed Organisation to come and take my partners wood turning and wood working set up as a donation.

This was going to be so hard for me. I had taken ages to decide what I wanted to do with it all. I thought about selling it but I was to unwell at the time and I just wanted it all gone.

I had been in his workshop and sorted through everything that I wanted to keep, I had taken some items into the house, and stacked everything else separately away in a corner. I showed the social worker what was to remain.

I knew it was going to be a traumatic and emotive time when the lathe and his own tools were removed. I could not be at home while it was happening. I explained this to the Social worker, and he reasured me he would be there.

I was numb when I left in the morning. I took my dogs for a walk along the river and then we went and met up with a friend at a local cafe. I was not thinking about any of it.

A few hours later I returned home with great trepidation. I was really uncertain how I was going to be impacted with my partners passion his wood turning lathe, his carving tools, his woodworking books, the band saw and the bench all gone.

I parked the car, let the dogs out and noted that the large skip was fairly full. I wandered over and to my dismay there were all the things I had put aside that I wanted. Things that I needed for the garden, some paint to finish some things. Bits and bob, netting for my fruit trees. All covered in oil and sawdust. I panicked and attempted to pull everything out, but items were broken, and as I said covered in oil. Some of the tins of paint had spilt. I was so upset. I recall I just threw my arms up in the air and sobbed loudly.

I then charged up the steps into the workshop. I stopped and was flummoxed. There was just an empty room. A totally EMPTY ROOM. All the shelving had been removed. All the containers of screws, nails, bolts, bits and pieces that my partner had saved, collected to repair things in your home. Especially when you are the person who built the home and know every nook and cranny every gap and thing that will get finished one day. The chain saw and drill, the axe. Paint rollers, brushes. My things that were now in the bin. Destroyed. All The very things I had said to the social worker were to stay!

How could this have happened.

I was floored. I was angry, wounded, I was bewildered, lost. I had made sure the social worker knew what was too go. What was to stay. How could this of happened? Of course it was to late to contact the social worker by this time.
A really bad nights sleep, and my mind just going over and over what did I do or say wrong that caused this to happen. Grief overwhelmed me, I had lost everything EVERYTHING and given away treasured items, I felt so let down.
I rang the social worker in the morning. It was quite weird and I have to honestly say I do not have a huge recollection of what happened, with the exception that he did say he was not there at my house when the men came to remove everything. I had never met any of these men, I did not know any of their names I did not even know where everything ended up. I know at that point I really just shut down. I could take no more.

I never spoke to this person again. I never reported or lodged a complaint. I just sat in my home, cuddling my dogs. I stayed home for a few days and began to hoard even more bizarre things. I did not go out, I did not shower, I did not clean, wash up. All I could manage was to ensure my lifelines, my dogs were exercised fed and loved.

The trust I had begun to rekindle in people was gone. TOTALLY and UTTERLY gone.

I did eventually realise how I was deteriorating and went to see my fantastic GP (who left a year later to go and become a psychiatrist) . It was through her I was put on the council program and met the psychologist I have now.

Now if I feel that my trust has been taken advantage off, or I have been manipulated I do not even bother to say anything. I just never go back to the place, or deal with the person, or continue the friendship of the person where I feel this has happened.

It took me so long to be able to ask for help.
Then to let someone inside my home and see how bad it was.
To let someone in to help me ‘clean’

Even now as I write I feel violated and that is such a weird word to write when I am talking about this.

I am OK and it always help to share and write things down I find.

I feel from my own perspective and experience. The ‘kind meaningful help’ that can be offered to anyone with a mental illness or chronic illness, a disabilty, are so very subjective and if respect and understanding, and most importantly keeping the promises you make as a paid support worker are not met.
I ponder how the duty of care is maintained.

Perhaps if I had lodged complaints about what occurred it might have helped. I was to unwell and mentally not competent to undertake this. Not even in a phone call. I could not even say what I really felt to the social worker.

What I do know is that it put me backwards in my treatment and I quit the psychologist at the same time, never explaining or seeing him again. He never followed up to see if I was OK.

I struggle now to let workman into my home. I need a couple of things fixed.
I let one in to fix a leak under my verandah door upstairs in my bedroom, that leaks into my kitchen.
He assured me he could do it. He was a lovely man. I had to call him back three times as each time (when it rained the leak was actually worse than it had been origianlly).
In the end he just said he could not do anything else? I wanted to scream, again I could not. I had paid him in full. (you only find out the job doesn’t work when it rains. I did not think to put the hose over it. So now I can not afford to pay someone else to fix it.
I dont have any trust in anyone else to fix it. I keep thinking I can probably fix it. (maybe I can). lol.
Living rurally can be hard to get anyone to come out here.

Even with sharing all of this, I still feel better than I have in a long time.
I am sleeping in weird patterns, I sleep for two weeks 12-14 hours then for 4 night 4-6 than the for some nights 8 hours. It seems to be a cyclic thing, so perhaps the medication. I also have really bizzare dreams and sleep very heavily. I do find taking paracetamol and ibuprofen seem to stop the dreams. That seem so real.

wow did this post go a way I did not see coming..

I am falling in love with my home, I am seeing it again, and wanting to slowly remove things. One of the things I was hoarding were cardboard boxes. To use to kill of the grass about the veggie area and pathways. Now I bring a box home, empty it, and then flatten it and go place it out side where I want it to go.
There are no boxes inside my home. Where a few months ago I had 30. One situation is being managed. I am proud of that.

Moving and improving your life with CPTSD is about so many things. I found forgiveness was a huge milestone for me. I may have posted this on another post. Forgiving the people who abused me. Not to their faces, or in writing. I just voice my forgiveness. I did it purely for me. I just basically with a sincere heart said. I forgive……,……, and……,……. ect for what they did to/at/against me. I will let it go.
I felt something give, something change. Like a hole opened and a light shone inside me. I felt brighter. I felt less anger.

It has been over a month closer to two since I did this.
I now am able to work on changing my mood and not fixate so much. I am more positive. This ties in to the very first paragraph.

I have forgiven the Social Worker and the Person who came to fix my leak. Again not in person, or a letter but for me. I feel a sense of another piece has fallen off my wall.

I am thankful that all this happened as it was through this whole shebang that I ended up on a Huon Valley Council mental health package where I met my current psychologist. I am so SO very thankful for Her.

I feel at peace in my home. I no longer want to flee, because I can not deal with the hoard and mess. I don’t like the way it is however I know that it is a very slow, time consuming and emotive at times, work in progress. That in all honesty I must do on my own.

Umm Have I mentioned I have a bit of a tendency for OCD. Now my psychologist explained it well to me. When my home is clean and comfortable. I tend to like my CDs in alphabetical order, my books in genre and alphbetised by Author. My pantry in food types and alphabetised, My wardrobe and drawers in type ie pants, shirts and within that colour groupings. So her feelings are that it part of what is inhibiting me.

Perhaps I will share more of my work in dealing with my hoarding here.

I also note that having connected with so many other peoples blogs some with CPTSD some with depression anxiety, physical, chronic, illnesses and disabilities, others with none. Connecting and reading stories written by wonderful writers, from all over the world.
Connecting with an supportive art group from beginners through. I am meeting people I would never have had the opportunity to have connected with in my life here in Tassie.

I feel so thankful to have all of these experiences, I feel thankful to have had my breakdown and I know that sounds really weird. I just see my life in such a very different way now, and I accept it. I also do not really care if others do not.

I am so happy to have connected (even if I have not done any painting this week ) with the art group, I am thankful for them and Charlie for his blog Doodlewash. https://doodlewash.com/

Thankful to my neighbours, who I know keep an eye on me.
Especially thankful to these two.

blessings to you all Tazzie

March 6, 2020 10

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Support for workers and households

Coronavirus supplement

Payments to support households

Early release of superannuation

Temporarily reduce superannuation minimum drawdown rates

Reducing social security deeming rates

Assistance to business to keep people in a job

Regulatory protection and financial support for businesses to stay in business

Coronavirus SME Guarantee Scheme

Providing temporary relief for financially distressed businesses

Support for the aviation industry

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