Category: CPTSD

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Me.

Even when life is so positive it can be quite a challenge when you have CPTSD or PTSD to manage when some bumps appear.

The difference for me now in my management and coping with my mental illness is I can usually work out or understand why behaviours and reactions occur and aspects of my life which had seemed under control, are obviously just under the surface and are ready to jump out and catch you when you are challenged.

I have to have a colonoscopy, and my GP rated it as urgent. Of course I read up on what and why I have had this rating. I find it very very interesting, and thankful that this is happening when I am so greatly improved and healthy mentally. Also having had some huge stress taken off my shoulders financially and dealing with Australian Government bureaucracy every fortnight to now not needing to do that.
I at least understand my instinctive reaction and am not dumping heaps of shit on my shoulders.

I have been working on emotional eating, and eating healthily. Unfortunately this situation has seen me comfort eating plus plus plus. Now I say that it is plus plus plus, when in actual fact for me what I am eating now is very different to what I would have been eating earlier this year. It is no where near the volume. Yet it is so much and of course with that the shame and frustration can begin to become an issue.

I have not let that happen. I acknowledge it is happening. I allow myself to eat and do what settles me right now. The difference is I am totally aware of everything I am eating. The best part is I begin to feel ill. Something in the past that did not happen. It is an acknowledgement that somewhere in my brain a part is aware this is too much. So instead of wolfing down 1 litre/2pints, of ice cream a huge packet of chips, and bags of lollies or biscuits I might eat 475ml/1pint of ice cream, half a pack or less of chips and maybe no biscuits or lollies, or just a handful. That is progress.. but most progress is I am aware of the whys, and understand the reason.

I am so anxious and frightened of what might be, even though my rational logical self which is very present knows it may be something or it may be only hemorrhoids or nothing really. It is a positive that I have chatted to my GP about it, it is a positive that the hospital has contacted me with forms to fill in.
My anxiety rose though as I filled in the forms. Next of Kin, I do not want to list any next of kin, I have to have someone pick me up. It is only a day procedure and probably only a couple of hours. The fact I have an hours drive after is the issue. I also have begun to be concerned for my dogs. Remember there is no date yet. Yet here I am my anxiety building. Deep breath.

Today I have thought about a few ways to manage this. My dogs can be left all day on their own at home. I have had to do it before. Non of us like it but…lol
I have to find someone who can bring me home, I am happy to catch a bus up to Hobart.
Or I put the dogs in a kennel overnight where I know they will be fine. I book into a hotel or bnb for the night after. Or see how much a taxi costs to bring me home post procedure it may be not a lot more expensive.lol

I feel it may be a huge step for me requiring me to ask for help. (memories of the last time I needed someone to help with taking me to my gp appointment when I had no car and no one would could help). A stranger ended up doing it for me. I was so touched.

The other part of the paperwork is the weight issue. I am morbidly obese I have no idea how much I way. I have lost a lot of inches over the last 12 months, which is great. threes sizes in chest and one in trousers blasted tummy.. and I was feeling so good. This requirement has me back in a place where I reach for comfort eating sigh. Like my depression I do not have any desire to go back there.

The overwhelming sense of dread, of firstly telling people that I need help, and secondly knowing that people will want to know the outcome. Deep breath.

The information wanted is too much for me. As I will not be having anyone in my home overnight, and I doubt I would need it…but they ask this question.
The next of kin stuff, and the person to pick up. Perhaps I will just advise them that I do not know at this point but will have someone on the day?

There really are so many assumptions made about people and the realities of people having others about them. Family, and close friends.

The weirder thing is I would be there for someone in a heart beat if I was up to it. To do it for someone else.

I just want to drive myself up and back.

See how someone with a mental illness like CPTSD thinks and looks at things. The reality of living with this illness for me.

This is just the filling in of the paperwork..lol I feel a call to my social worker next week is the logical thing.

I am trying very hard to keep moving forward, no matter how small. It is a struggle. But I am my routine a bit loose.. and the emotional eating. But again I am aware, I know why and what and will work through it.

As bad as this sounds. I am not so fearful of the end result it is as so often the not knowing. Since I saw my GP it is a bit like until I know my life is on hold in some manner. It isn’t totally I am doing some things, and am working in a manner to get my routine back on track.

I am fortunate in so many ways, thankful for all I have about me.

blessings to You all, Tazzie

5

Life’s like that.

May be triggering. All words, experiences and photos are mine please do not share or copy without my permission.

We have been having stunning winter days here in the Huon Valley Tasmania. It is so lovely that even though it may only be 15dC/59dF you can work in the garden in a t-shirt. My plans to work in the garden today went out the window.

In a interesting and somewhat horrendous experience of dealing with living with my mental illness. Yet the out come of the experience is positive for me. It will get more and more positive as I work through it as is my normal process.

It is hard to believe it is the end of July. I am at least feeling some what improved mentally living with CPTSD/PTSD and learning to move forward, whilst dealing with so many historical things which trigger me are tiring. I do believe the overwhelming tiredness is something that so many people just have no comprehension of for those of us living and working through our mental illness.

I had an appointment with my wonderful psychologist today. Which was timely. I could not work out why I had ceased my walking my dogs. I had been really enjoying doing it regardless of the weather. (OK being truthful) the dogs would make me get up and go, and the feeling of enjoyment after the walk and lift in my spirits were such a great benefit, I was thankful that I had got up and done the walk. This has not happened for over a month now.

I realised I was triggered by someone who I do not really know (lovely older lady who had been staying with her family up the road and has been stuck here in Tasmania due to the borders of the state she is from being closed. Due to Covid -19) . She was being encouraging and I understand this when she commented on how wonderful I was doing walking every day.

For me though that was a trigger. Weird but true. I just stopped.

It has been on my mind and frustrated me as I could not understand why her kindly meant words of encouragement floored me.

So glad I shared this with my Psychologist. In our discussion she asked me what would occur in my family situation when there was any sort of comment. Generally it would be a kind of backhanded one. You would be so pretty if you lost weight. Is the one that is embedded in my mind. Yet as a child I swam competitively representing my local region at the town/ city region meet. I played competitive hockey, did gymnastics, including uneven bars, and beam.

So when my psychologist began to take me through what appears to be happening, and asked me how I responded to these sorts of comments. Did I rebel and do the opposite. I began to get a feeling of being really nauseous. I felt like I was going to be ill. I really went into a weird sense of my mind being totally blank. I shared all this with her. I experience somatic issues often when dealing with the things I have blocked.

As I have dissociated in previous meetings, she thought it best if we moved away from this area and came back to it in another appointment. I for some reason just could not move anywhere. I am not saying I dissociated. I was very aware of everything happening and it was just blankness in my head, and the nausea and an overwhelming tiredness was coming over me.

I pushed through it to let her know I was present, but just not able to think and it became obvious as we moved away from the topic. I struggled to find the right words yet I was not aware of what I was thinking. I was just so ill and exhausted. Perhaps part of this was my making a serious effort not to dissociate. I want to deal with it. I even said that I am sure. Yet I knew I was not able to and had to say I could not do any more today. Which was perfectly OK. I have complete control in our appointments Which is something that helps me and I know I am always safe.

We ended our meeting(internet) and I just lay on the couch dozing. My dogs were outside today, and for once I feel this was a good thing as I know Miss Treacle would have been extremely concerned. She was anyway when I did let them back in an hour later.

I lay on the lounge just overcome with this blankness, nausea and tiredness. Where as before the appointment I had been busy and planning my shopping and attending the washing. Intending to go and do some work in the garden afterwards. It all came to a stop.

I must have dozed off. I roused due to Miss Treacle barking to be let inside. Both dogs kept looking at me wanting their run. I took them for their walk/run. I drove and did not want to meet anyone, or have the neighbours dog play with Busby today. Thankfully that did not happen. It was a quick trip.
I spent the afternoon on the lounge unable to do much at all. The blankness of my head began to clear and I began to review what I could of this mornings appointment.

As my psychologist had indicated I had reacted to this lady’s comment as I had in the past to family comments. I rebelled and that was to do the complete opposite.
It was quite interesting for me, as the nausea went even though the tiredness is still present even as I write. Obviously my mind is no longer blank. I will be going to bed early after my shower.

I am so thankful to have had this experience as hard as it has been today, yet again there has been an ahh haa moment.

I understand why I do the complete opposite now when someone comments on something I see as just everyday thing. I will as with every ahh haa moment over the last few years spent working with a psychologist and my own abilities move through this slowly but with a whole new understanding and appreciation for how incredible our minds are! How even when I was traumatised so often in my young life and onto my adolescence and even adulthood often powerless it seemed to cope. My mind developed a life saving tool. I appreciate it so much.

As I do believe this has been what has kept me here alive. It is also the reason I am becoming me totally me. Sometimes beginning , be brave enough to share and begin working through these horrendously hard dark moments takes so much out of me. Yet the moment the connections are identified in that ahh haa moment, I feel real, I understand sort of, and I feel a moment of connection with the child, the adolescent and me the adult.

I value all the parts that make me who I am today.

It is not the last time I will walk this bumpy path. With its rabbit holes dark and long that I could venture in. Into the black hole. I have no desire to go back their. I still struggle not to follow the winding rabbit path leading to the blackness. I have tools now, which help me. I have been in the shelter of the rabbit hole opening but I am sticking my head and body back out and moving away. Back into the colours. Moving forward again.

I am finding that it takes effort and strength of mind to listen, to fight, and to be thankful to all that has protected me throughout my life. For me to be in control, in charge,applying boundaries and acceptance that I choose. I am stronger than I thought, and I am so proud of where I am. I realise there will be more times like this last six+ weeks.

I have come through it feels, with things to work through and move on from. I am being very kind to myself. I am OK. It has been a good day! Crazy but true it has been a good day.

I appreciate everyone who reads this. If you are someone with CPTSD/PTSD it is important to be kind to yourself.

I am so thankful for my psychologist. I am thankful for today. I am thankful for all I have.

blessings to You. Tazzie

3

Reality of Life with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD or PTSD).

I had created a routine, which is really simple way for me to keep moving forward.

It is a simple routine

Walk the dogs everyday. When I am not well I drive the car and the dogs run or walk . The dogs are getting exercised me well not in this manner.

Get in the garden daily do something even if just pulling a weed. I am doing work in the garden. Not as often as I would like to.

Eat well/healthy fresh food. Hmm off the rails. Though I have begun to eat some of my home made frozen meals. I am thankful that I have frozen meals. I tend to make a family meal when cooking often. I then freeze portions left over. Budget friendly and incredibly handy.

In bed light off 22:30. That has really gone out the window. As in last night it was 04.15am. I was up at 10am so not bad. Though my big dog went out for a wee this morning, came back inside, took himself up the stairs back to bed. Fair enough.

Shower every two days. This is still happening.

Change my clothes every two days still happening. I am washing my clothes and not leaving them in the machine. (which is what I used to do when I was not as well as I am even now.)

I also force myself to not just go grocery shopping, to take time have a coffee and have something to eat at least being out of the house, and with a chance to catch up with someone.

I do talk with some neighbours regularly as our dogs play.

Being thankful.

The other thing in improving my mental health is that I know what is triggering me. I have shared all this before. Yet for anyone with a mental illness the necessity to be able to identify your triggers, understand them and how you respond is important. It has been

I know that a conversation with my psychologist where I released that part of the reason my home may be as it is inside and my seemingly inability to DO SOMeTHING about it was related ( (so many people believe that you can just get off the couch and DO IT) ah if only so easy.

As anyone with CPTSD or PTSD understands you can have every intention of doing your washing, cleaning your home, eating well, exercising, paying bills, shopping, all the things we know help us, just find it almost impossible to just do it! I am so ashamed about the inside of my home. I am so hard on myself sometimes, when I see how I am living. I am learning to not be hard on myself.

Starting something. Anything. I commit to doing a small thing. For instance my stove. I did that ..I was so proud of it. It looked great. Alas that too has

I had a lovely night at a neighbours last week. It came with consequences for me. Exhaustion, and a need to not see people for several days.

Similarly when I do spend time chatting on my shopping day. It is an experience which is lovely and lifts me also exhausts me and I come home overstimulated and just need to be quiet. I know what I need to help me and I am not worried about ensuring I can care for myself. I am fortunate in this. I can not imagine how others with CPTSD or PTSD who are working and or have a family cope. I know I may have overdone the socialising aspect in recent days. (We are out of lockdown and allowed so many people in our homes as long as we remain social distancing).

Feeling many mixed emotions knowing that this huge tree will have to come out my partner loved all the trees around our house. It is home to critters, birds, insects, it provides shade. I feel sad and distressed that it will have to be removed. Yet I understand it is a necessity totally. I am thankful for the extra money that I have received from our Government as this may help with the cost of the removal. (I am dreading it will be very expensive.

The other possible reason I am slipping is that it is the 10th anniversary since my darling man died. In a couple of weeks.
Anniversaries are some of the hardest times for grief. The pain is still there my coping abilities are greatly improved and it sometimes feels like yesterday and other times so much longer. I will always have a hole in my life is still there it is smaller but it is still very present.

I have been in the darkness, and have absolutely no desire to go back there.

I find sharing this sort of thing helps me to see more and be aware more of how far I have come, and the insight I have of my own mental illness.

Every person with a mental illness. Every person with the same diagnosed mental illness as I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) must work hard every day every single day sometimes every hour to keep moving forward. I thought I had paused, last week, but this week I can see I am going backwards.
I am working to get my routine back into shape. I can hear some people reading this saying encouraging things buy good food, my worms and compost have been having some great contributions lately.Just get up and go for a walk.
I hear you I really do. You do not know how impossible just that simple thing can be.
I am not at risk, I want to reassure you all of that. My dogs are not at risk they are great if very tired today.

This is not being written for sympathy, this is just the only way I can share what is going on in my life if I have not been there for you, if I have not responded to your posts, to your messages.

Life is up and down for all of us. I understand this. if you have read this all the way to here, thank You. I will move forward again. I am seeing how close I have come to the edge of the black hole.
Even rereading the words I have written here fill me with positivity. As I know I have the management tools and ability to move forward again.

I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food (even if it is not great for me), the extra money I have been receiving from the Government. I am thankful that my rates did not go up hugely, I am thankful for my car. I am thankful my dogs, for you all. I am thankful that I live in Tasmania, that I am warm, and comfortable and have more than I need. I am thankful that I live in this community and have lovely neighbours.

blessings Tazzie

13

What next (may be triggering)

As Covid -19 restrictions begin to wind down slowly across Australia, here in Tasmania, (due to our issue with hospitals in the north west of our state being hit hard and closed with many all staff and families having had to go in total isolation) we are a bit behind the mainland.

Many many people here will be really discovering how slowly things such as many businesses being able to reopen, and being able to live as we did prior to this virus is actually going to be. (unless your a football player it seems?)

A deep fear is running through many mental health workers across Australia. Community mental health support organisations and indiviudals have been complaining of how little continuing support and cutbacks that were occurring before the current situation. Rural and remote mental health services virtually non existent. The reality is already being seen by many of these workers and organisations.

The long term impact on people who have been isolated and/or lost their jobs, and/or worrying about financial concerns is and will be only coming out slowly as some things slowly return to a form of normal or new normal. Perhaps credit card bills are coming in and that may be how some individuals and families have been surviving.
Those who have lost their jobs in the last few months will possibly only now be receiving their first Jobseeker (Government benefit) payment and Covid payment. After waiting for some weeks.
Potentially the whole amount they are receiving will be paying outstanding bills.

The impact of the death of someone due to Covid-19 on those who loved them and were not able to be with them at the end, or to be with family and friends to say a final goodbye is immeasurable. Grief is always difficult but in these circumstances widows/ers grieving alone with no one able to come home with them, as they have to go into quarrantine is so hard to imagine.

The numbers who have died in Australia (98 so far as of 16/05/2020) represent grief for many hundreds. grief that has not been able to be shared with hugs, and for many an opportunity to say goodbye. Depression and Post Traumatic Shock Disorder are likely to increase. Anxiety may also impact some of these people. How will these families be supported and helped?

The numbers of people phoning all mental health help lines has blown out during the last couple of months. Most of these organisations of course are manned by volunteers. Thanks to all of them.

These same organisations are saying the situation is getting worse for so many people.

I also feel concerned for all those essential front line workers. Who have kept going. My greater fears are for the health professionals. Many who have worked long hours, in protective gear that is tiring to wear as you become so hot inside it. I can not imagine wearing it for 12+ hours a shift, it was bad enough wearing it for an 8 hour shift.

The truck drivers, the cleaners, the business proprietors who have had to install new management customer strategies.

Some people will develop mental illness now, others may not show anything for a while and something may happen that will just flaw them on their feet. (As happened to me my resilience just could not bounce back). Nurses and Doctors police and ambulance emergency workers in rural areas such as SES give so much of themselves in caring for people in their job every day they work.

I fear for so many youth, who were just beginning their working lives, when this situation stopped many of them. The financial stress, the emotional stress, anxiety, fear, distress, and loneliness.

The families of people with disabilities, where carers may not have been able to visit? Where routines have not been able to be kept, that enabled the individual with disability to live a independent life. How have these people been impacted?

I have thought often about families where domestic violence has always been a way of life. Alcohol is and has been available, the whole time. I imagine the possibility of domestic violence escalating, and the person doing it home all day every day, with no escape for their partner and children. I wonder how it may have been if bottle shops were closed and not considered essential services?

The homeless how have they been managing? It has been very wet, I do hope that with so many less people about they have been able to sleep more safely and in better locations. I think of all the volunteers who have been out supporting and caring for all the homeless across Australia.

I wonder about the addicts to gambling, drugs, alcohol…how have these people managed? Their families?

I have thought also of the impact on children and if lines of education have been drawn even more as schools have had to go online for most kids. How have the children who have no access to the internet managed? What about those whose parents have not been able to teach and support them at home schooling? Those who care but whose own education may not be up to their kids level.

The children who have had both Mum and Dad home with them for the last 10 weeks or so how good it may have been, and or how difficult.

The parents who could not care less. How will this three-four months impact the kids. I wonder about how it might impact bullying.

Some times my mind gets so overwhelmed if I do not reign it in. I am well enough to do this now and not let myself go down into places I have no ability to manage or control. I still am concerned about the possibilities.

I look at the projections of housing prices falling a lot according to some analysts in Australia. I can not imagine having purchased a home, and having a mortgage to find in a few months the house is now worth 20-30% less. Yet you have to pay the higher mortgage. Interest rates are basically as low as they can go, and most banks have put mortgage payments on hold for a few months.

The problem is once they start up again interest will go on the missed months and compound. I am not sure if you will be expected to catch up over the time of your contracted mortgage or if the mortgage might be extended,

The fear for those who have lost their jobs, and the uncertainty of if their jobs may return or not? Will people really spend all the extra money that is being paid out by the Governments to help simulate the economy or will they save it. Or pay bills clear credit cards?

How to pay their mortgage? Their rent?

I do know the next few months maybe the next few years will be hard. There will be very few tax breaks as our Government needs to make up for all the money that it has been giving out to help our country. I see quite a few businesses not being able to survive.

I envisage the potential for suicide to increase across age and gender. I hold little hope for better mental health services in rural and remote regions. With ongoing 1;1 commitment with psychologist, psychiatrist on health care cards. Instead of the reducing number of 1;1 visits as we have now.

I wonder how the new unemployed who are receiving the Covid-19 payment along with the job seeker payment (seeing the fortnightly payment go from $550 to over $1100 until September 2020), manage when the Covid-19 payment stops and they have to live on the Jobseeker payment of $550 a fortnight?

I also think of all the dogs, cats that have been adopted out of animal shelters and refuges. Where the owners have been home with these new family members 24/7 and in the next few months the human members will return to working, and school. How will these animals fare? How many will end up back in shelters?

I worry about all of you who read my posts. Even though we have not met, and only know each other through our communications, I do care that you are all coping OK. That you have people about you who love you unconditionally, and support you. That you are managing and caring for your self. You are the most important person in Your life, regardless if you are in a partnership, a parent, If you are not doing OK speak to someone, be honest about your concerns.

If you are concerned about financial issues, contact your bank, contact your lenders, offer to pay a small amount every month/fortnight/week (this will show intent, and makes it hard to be taken debt collection or to court for non payment but you have to instigate it) Same goes for bills. Or anything you are not alone, reach out speak up.

If you are in a domestic violence situation, get a plan to leave begun. tell someone you trust please.

If you are concerned about your rent, and the real estate is not helping ask to speak directly to the owner. Have them ask the owner to contact you directly. Be honest with the owner and if you are a good tenant, many owners would rather have you catch up/not raise the rent for twelve months to retain a good tenant.
I looked at the cost involved when I was a land lord, and by the time I advertised and had the checks done by the real estate agents, ( a $10 a week increase would give me $520 a year extra..the cost to find a new tenant would cost me a months rent which was at the time $1000) so if your agent or landlord is talking about increasing your rent, ask them how much it would cost them to find a new tenant who may not be so good. it is worth a try.

Mortgage? speak to your mortgage provider.

If you are thinking of buying a property. Perhaps you really do not need a four bedroom house with three bathrooms. Or a two bedroom unit for just one person. If it means you can afford the lower mortgage. Rather then risk loosing your home.

Being thankful for what we have is important. It can be so easy when it seems the worst is happening to us to feel alone, to feel it is not worth it. It is important to know I value YOU.

I am thankful for all of YOU who read my writings, look at my photos.

I am thankful for the beautiful weather we have been having the last couple of days. I am thankful for the beautiful colour of the Autumn(Fall) leaves. I am thankful for the birds, their song. I am thankful for the weed I saw popping up in the cement in my local town yesterday, showing me that nature is strong but we need to care about it. I am thankful for the wallaby I saw yesterday eating some of my grass. I am thankful to the birds that come and eat the bugs in my garden.

I am thankful to fresh vegetables. I am thankful for being able to see positives in some really dark times. I am so very thankful that I am continuing to move forward on my improving mental health. I am thankful that my maiden hair fern and chain of hearts are thriving in my home. (first time I have ever had success with either )
I am thankful for internet. I am thankful for my dogs, neighbours, and community.

I am thankful to Mother Earth and the Goddess.

blessings Tazzie

10

Frustration, helplessness and mental health. (may be triggering)

Hi everyone it seems to never rain but hail when computer/internet issues occur. My internet account was suspended and now I am dealing with our countries Technology Ombudsmans office and they are dealing with my service provider. I am Back now fingers crossed.

I find off shore call centers really difficult to deal with, this is partly due to my mental illness, (CPTSD) and a feeling of no control at all over a service that I pay for. I have been dealing with my provider for 8 weeks now, and my benefit payment went in two days late which meant I missed paying my provider. (It used to be done by automatic payment each month). Of course you have to add that my provider has you paying two weeks ahead and two weeks behind. (this I really do not understand) It also seems suddenly for know reason my date due to pay has altered.

It is not the date the missed payment went through, as they did not inform me until the next payment was due that it had not been credited to the right invoice? How is that my fault? I paid it to the invoice they sent me demanding payment for.

I then found that I was now 2 months behind according to my internet provider, (this was on the 8th of April) even though the next invoice was not due to be paid until the 12th of April? I had the money and was going to Bpay as they no longer were able to do a direct payment that had been set up. According to the call centre. I said I would be paying this invoice on the 12 when it was due. But no that was not OK. So in the middle of all this I check with my bank as to why the direct payment to my internet provider was not able to continue. My bank said they had no issue in continuing it as I had not authorised it to be stopped from this end.

So if my service provider had just processed the payment it would have all gone through. I rang my service provider and informed them of this. That they could take the money as per normal as the authority was in place.

So I believe that my service provider is taking the money out as normal.

Instead I get messages telling me my service would be suspended from the the 14th if the outstanding money was not paid for the two invoices. This all happened on Monday the 13th of April. Which here is Easter weekend we have a four day holiday Good Friday through to and including Easter Monday.

I tried to explain to the lovely lady on the phone that in Tasmania it is another holiday for the Banks, financial and Government organisations and businesses. So I would not be able to go to my bank UNTIL the Wednesday. I also advised her that for some reason I was not able to get into my toolbox, the access to my account from the service provider. Even though I knew my password and id were correct. She said she would note all of that.

Wednesday morning finds me and the dogs, in town at our bank. I was a little early and they were not open at the time. I tied the dogs up and sat and waited.

The wonderful staff at my community bank, helped me and I decided to pay the two months that I ‘was overdue’ plus the May June payment which would mean I was in fact ahead. Relief.

Dogs and I went for a walk, headed home and found my internet down! WTF!

I spent the next four hours attempting to get someone to understand what had been going on, getting cut off! Being told it would all be OK. When it wasnt. I requested to speak to supervisor and refused! I hung up and tried again, I ended up going to a sales number. Realising that the person in sales during business hours might be an Aussie. It was YEAH!!! I cried. Yes I did.

This wonderful woman heard me as I explained my problem with my account, she was very supportive when I shared with her that all this was impacting my mental illness, and sometimes just dealing with call centres can be triggering to me. She apologised that she could not help me personally and unfortunately there was ‘no one’ in Australia who could? What the heck! She assured me the person she would put me on to would be able to assist me.

What else could I do but trust her. The chap I spoke to was helpful, he listened to me, as I tried to explain. He assured me my internet would be reinstated. He also seemed to understand my not answering any phone calls without numbers or people not leaveing a direct phone number for me to call. I got his details and requested copies of our converstaion, he sent them to me. I had also

It was great I felt like some order was restored, as my internet was back on.

For the next two weeks it was all good.

Then I began to get text messages telling me my service was going to be disconnected for not being paid. I had people ringing me all the time, I did not know the numbers I was not picking up, any messages left were weird noises, or just nothing. I sent emails, advising that all invoices had been paid, that I had actually paid the following month as well. I also included that I could not access my toolbox.

They acknowledge receipt of emails. Two days later I received a response, saying if did not pay the outstanding invoices my account would be disconnected, and to go into my toolbox, and see. That I could also chat to someone whilst in the toolbox! ARRGGH !

I lost it. I sent an email back saying how horrendous this company was, and the fact was proven that no body had actually read my email properly as PART OF MY PROBLEM IS I CANNOT GET INTO MY TOOLBOX!

I keep getting how did we do handling your issue emails, and you most likely can imagine how I replied.
I was also getting several messages a day on my phone telling me my accounts were overdue. My account would be disconnected.

Again the hours trying to get someone to actually understand that I had paid my account. Again the call centre people were varied in abilities, and some just hung up on me, (I was not yelling or swearing), others tried but could not find any invoice paid. I would ask for supervisors, and then be told they would call me back. I answered unknown numbers but the person could not resolve the issue.

This went of for two more weeks! We are now into May. My bank said that the money had gone on the 15/04/2020 to the BPay account (which is my service providers) Sigh…

I tried again with the call centre. It was over an hours wait to get to talk to anyone. I waited. Again I was on the phone, I hung up in frustration when someone said that my account would be disconnected on Friday if the invoices were not paid. Even though I had just told him I paid them on the 15/04 (US 04/15). It was now the 04/05 (US 05/04). I had asked to speak to a supervisor there is no one available! I asked to have one call me, No one did!

The next morning I tried again and spoke with a lovely woman who I said I really just need to speak to a supervisor. She said could she have someone call me. I explained how I waited all afternoon and evening for someone to call me yesterday. She explained that she could not transfer me as they are all working from home. I said oh OK she assured me she would contact someone and they would ring me today.

They did two hours later I received a message on my phone saying …. would be ringing me very shortly. She did. She listened, and tried to see if the invoices had been paid. They still hadn’t. I just burst into tears and hung up.

The next day my internet went off. I could not check emails. I had had enough! I called the Ombudsmans office. The first person I talked to told me it was not an issue for their office? I said it is. No I have to deal with the company first???? He was really helpful and actually seemed to be bullish!. I rang again and got someone else. I said how I had rung before and I was very upset with how I was spoken to and treated. That I was told this was not an issue for this office. The person I spoke to listened to my tale, and said no it is an issue we can look into for You. Relief. I stated that my internet had been disconnected for not paying my bills. She said she would get onto it right away for me.

Sigh I thanked her and than had not expectations. She had also said to me that whilst there was ongoing issues between me and the Obusdmans office was involved I can not be disconnected. Three days later I am back online.

I sank down a lot, during this time. I did not go back wards, and I am proud of myself that I did not get to the trigger point I may have where I was screaming and swearing as in the past. I felt so drained and flat. I was not going to let this get on top of me. Unfortunately my ‘old’ normal responses have rared their ugly heads. I have stayed up too late, (but am working on it again) I have not been eating as well and sugar was high, (condensed milk can not be in this house). I am not proud of the two cans I consumed over four days but it could have been two days. Progress..lol up until yesterday Saturday I had been walking, but have not over these two days. Writing here is my accountability. I have been doing some pottering outside so not just sitting on the lounge, and I did take the dogs for a play with the neighbour across the roads dogs. So I have communicated with someone. Along with leaving the house.

Tonight I made a delicous Korma, rice and salad with greens from my garden. I have eaten sugar only in some fruit. I will be in bed lights out by 22:30.

I am determined to not stay slumped down, I have not gone backwards, I am still moving forward.

I saw that I had had emails from my service provider saying they wanted a copy of my payment, this was from the day my internet went down? The next day they sent me another email saying they were wiping the debt? It was a one off. A sign of their goodwill? (Remember I have paid them)?

I rang the Ombudsman’s office as I was still missing $209.97.

It took a bit of getting the person on the other end of the phone to understand, that by crediting the account as good will, means that they are still saying they have not received my money.

This means my $209.97 has vanished, and I might have internet service but I am out of pocket this amount. She asked me what I wanted, I said originally I just wanted to pay the account which I have done, but now as they have credited my account as goodwill, I want my money back!.

Seems a totally ridiculous situation, and as I said to the woman at the Ombudsman’s office my mental health has suffered a lot over this. I never tried to not pay my bill/s..

Such a ludicrous circus. This is why no company should be allowed to operate within another country without having people working in that country at a level who can actually help. Or the call centres should be able to have someone from financial management ring you when the situation goes on and on. Yet I have no real leg to stand on. I have had my internet off for ten days in the five weeks.

What rights do we the consumer have when using companies that operate outside of our National laws? It is something I am thinking more and more about whilst safe at home. You want Australians to get back to work than make more companies pay for Australians to work for them, so the services we pay for are traceable!

I am thankful for this place to off load. I am thankful for the wonderful world that the internet opens up to me. Being an introvert and someone who may have the potential for agoraphobia if I dont push myself I am so very thankful that this surreal time has seen me get on the whole fitter, healthier, mentally stronger. Thankful to know my rights, thankful to know processes to ensure my rights are taken care of. Thankful for the people who are working from their homes. I am thankful to the lovely helpful and pleasant (generally woman I have to say) in the call centres who do really try to help but the situation is not in their handbooks.
I am thankful for the lovely food I have access to. I am thankful for the clean water I have to drink. I am thankful for the fresh air I breathe. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for the birds, and critters in my garden. I am thankful for the rain that is falling. I am thankful for having wood for my fire. I am thankful that I have no debt, that I am so very very fortunate to own my home outright. I am thankful for You.

blessings to You Tazzie

12

Morning Walk

I really have lost track of how long it has been now since we have been in isolation/lock down here in Tasmania. I have said before that as someone with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), it has not been a huge change from normal life.

What has changed is my routine, and going for a walk with my dogs every day. Some days we do more walks or a longer walk. I am fortunate to have such a great area and road where my dogs can be off lead.
It was a wild stormy night apparently. I heard nothing sleeping soundly until 07:00 am approx. My dogs stay in bed and join me when they are ready.

I feel beginning our walk with a bit of a rainbow was a good start, and water was lying about everywhere, along with wild fungi and mushrooms that are popping up about the road and my place.

I am trying to bring something new to the photos I do take on our walk as of late it has been the same one for some time.

Busby had run ahead as he usually does as he hopes to see Toby and today he was not disappointed. I was calling him back when my neighbours wife called out and said hang on. Toby by this point had said hi to Busby through the fence and than all three dogs raced up to the gate. As you can see above. It really is a love of brothers.

Miss Treacle was disappointed as she did not get to see her man. His wife did bend down and pat. In Miss Treacle’s eyes it was no where near the same, and she spent her time just standing about my legs trying not to be squashed by the boys. Who raced off down to the dam.

It must have rained a lot as on the way home there was a big worm crossing the road. I moved it to the verge to minimise it being lunch for so

Arriving back home just in time again before the rain hit and wind picked up even more. I finished making my chicken vegetable soup, it has carrots, peas, cauliflower, corn, onion, lots of garlic, ginger, some turmeric in it. Before I serve it for my dinner I will make some very simple egg dumplings. I beat two eggs, with enough flour so that it is gooey and mixed. I than add this to the soup and let the dumplings (with salt and pepper added to the mix) rise, let them cook for a few minutes one side, then I will turn them over. I did turn them too early and they broke. They still fluffed up and added to the dish.

It was a delectable meal and a wonderful way to end the day.

I do hope like me you are finding things to laugh about even in this times of uncertainty.

Blessings to you Tazzie



1

To Do or Not to Do

I am not encouraged to write lists by my psychologist as when I do they can become a fixation of all that is too do about here. Interesting not writing any list is actually achieving more than having lists. I see why my psychologist made this suggestion to me now.

Let me explain what I am beginning to understand happens for me when I compile a To-Do List. I write all I know that needs to be done for me to feel that my house, meets some unwritten expectation a standard of acceptable that is in my mind.

Then add to that expectation that is hidden, yes hidden deep in the recess of my brain my own quirky need to feel that the house is not completely finished until everything is alphabetised or colour co-ordinated. Wow heavy stuff there.

Not only can I begin to get a feeling why I am basically frozen in place in regard to getting the inside of my house completed, well lets be totally honest here begun. I totally understand where and why this compulsion to meet ‘OTHERS EXPECTIONS’ in what is ‘MEETING THE ACCEPTABLE STANDARD’ of how my house must be before visitors could ever come inside. Or I could possible be happy to live here.

Two things hit me in the face immediately having written this in black and white. Every time I have referred to where I live in relation to this is my house, and not my home. Ponder that for a bit…

Second thing where the hell and who declared that houses had to meet a standard of acceptable.

Family yep from my maternal side. Interestingly my Grandmother was a cleaner in Motels/Hotels for many years. (I have cleaned houses and government offices).
My mother has always been a snob. Her world was always about having only the best and she would struggle to save and get it, fair enough and then when my parents business grew successful it became a much bigger issue. It was also the times I guess too.
Both of my parents families were poor, and my parents worked incredibly hard to give us kids a very different life with opportunities they could never have had. I am exceedingly grateful for that.

The really interesting things I recall from my younger years is that both sets of Grandparents always seemed so much more content than my parents.

My fathers business was all about image. He lucked out with me I could not really care about how I look or appear. I did play the game for many years, until I realised that I was really miserable and dying inside. So in my 30s I began to live more a life I found was right for me.

I still struggled with my two worlds and the power of parental indoctrination and severe punishment towards me for not meeting these ‘unknown acceptable standards’ in how a house has to be have been a massive issue all through my life.

Strangely I could only begin to see this clearly once I stopped seeing and speaking to any of my family. That was not that long ago. It has empowered me and has been a huge part in my moving forward I know.

The time is right for me to let go of the shackles of indoctrination and it is not just from my family, but media, those home renovation shows, the how to be successful concepts, movies, and uuugh celebrities and stupid reality TV shows. Advertising real estate agents magazines the morning shows. Even shows where people are building their own homes create this expectation in I am sure not just me.

I know what and how my home is going to be one day. It will be clean but not sanatised, there will be dirty dishes in the sink, but just that mornings until I wash up after dinner. There will always be books and stuff by my chair where I sit, knitting or crochet projects near bye. Plants and seedlings growing on shelves and in windows, dog hair, dog toys and dog blankets about the place. My photographic items and my paint and drawing items, along with my meditation and relaxation items.

There may very well be some muddy doggy paw prints on the floor as you come in (if it has been raining). Your clothes if you visit will have dog hair on them when you leave.

It will not have a big screen TV or a incredible sound system (no judgement you make your home as you desire). It will most likely have bread or a bikkies ( biscuits/cookies) in the oven, a home made cake. Good coffee and tea, but very simple food. It will be eclectic what many would think of as bohemian, to weird to ‘um very individual’ it will be me.

You would not be stepping over stuff on the floor, or moving about things hoping you knock nothing off. As it is currently. I can live with how it is right now as I have but it is gnawing at me. There is an feeling of the time is coming to begin.

As I type that I feel tight in my chest and neck a bit nauseous. I know why I am reacting like this. I am growing more and more attuned to why my somatic symptoms occur in regard to my thoughts of the inside of my house.

It is not as over whelming to me these days, it bugs me,

There is a lot you may have seen hoarders homes on TV, mine is nowhere near as bad as many of them but it is medium level I feel. There are no tall piles of stuff. I did have a few spots where there were and over the past few months have been very mindful to just take some things out and put them in the bin. So they are gone. Brilliant.

My kitchen is perhaps the worst area it is pretty disgusting. No it is really disgusting. I am being honest here.

I did decide for some reason to bring all my clothes into the living area, and they had been sitting on the lounge for months. They are all clean. I would just wash my clothes and chuck them on the pile.

I decided last week to begin on the living room. I wanted to position my lounge so that I could see the view and watch the TV plus be fairly close to the fire, (I will need to redress this most likely but that is another story). So the clothes were put on the stairs, and I was going to fold them up. Well that did not happen, and so the clean clothes have been siting in a pile on the table and chairs oozing over onto the floor. But the lounge it clear and the dogs and I all can sit on it together. Priorities may be skewed to some of you, but this is my journey.

I did throw a few items of clothing away. Yeah! I also created a pile of clothes to mend. Sigh, I can mend them, but will I. I cant afford to buy new things and these mended clothes extend my choices. Stop StOP. do not think about that now.

Ooops I am begining to make lists, even here and then I tend towards over thinking and exhausting my brain as it all just becomes too much and I freeze again. We have come complete circle now and perhaps it is clear to some of you reading this that my mind works in a interesting manner.

I still have a sort of fluid list stored in my brain. It does not cause me distress or angst, and interestingly as I said in the beginning of this post, things are getting done.

I am proud today as I have noticed grass growing in several places of my guttering, for months today I decided it needed to be removed and I did it cleaning out the gutter and now the forecast heavy rain will not back up and flow over potentially into the house. I am smiling as I write this.

A simple and small step, as I keep moving forward. I have not walked today as I have been doing some things in the garden and the gutter in preparation for the heavy rain, I did take the dogs for a drive and they ran. I aim to go for a short walk up the hill. If I do not I will not beat myself up.

I am thankful that I will be able to relax now and not stress about potential damage from overflowing gutters. I am thankful for how much better I am feeling since following my routine of regular bed lights out time, exercise and eating healthier. I am thankful for the sunshine today. I am thankful that many of my seedlings on the deck are growing well and looking healthy. I am thankful for my physical health and the improvement in my mental health. I am thankful for clean air, clean fresh water, more than enough food to eat. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the ability to be warm and dry. I am thankful for all the insects and frogs in my garden. I am thankful to have seen some honey bees about the garden today. I am thankful for a reprieve from the wind. I am thankful for my neighbours, and you.

blessings Tazzie

2

Simple pleasures.

  • Miss Treacle pushing in on Busby to get closer to me.

I adore these two as I have all the dogs I have had come into my life. Miss Treacle is the most soulful and sweet girl she has too be touching me.

Last night on the lounge she was doing something else and Busby had climbed up and was laying with his head on my lap. I was patting him, when Miss Treacle climbs up and walks over him, pushing her 8kg/17.6lbs body in between his 41kg/90.38lbs body and the lounge. Forcing him to move, she then lays herself over his nose so I can not pat him so easily. I had to chuckle to myself at her devotion. I do feel for Busby, but he is a very easy going boy.

Dogs are great company. For me they have been integral in dealing with my breakdown, the times I was so unwell and life was just too hard in my ill state of mental health. Now they are integral in helping me and my improving mental health. Though let me say their tactics are pretty strong pawed ones.

Miss Treacle was not impressed, and actually pushed my hand off the key board and would not let me keep writing. She was not so subtle letting me know it was time for a walk and to get off the computer!

It worked, I realised if I did not get up now with less wind and no rain the opportunity might not come again today. So we set off. and the sun came out and it showed all the trees up in such a pretty light. The colours of Autumn are much more noticeable today.

We only saw one of our neighbours at a distance this morning and we just waved at each other. the dogs and I kept walking, I use the time for training Busby to come.

He tends to loose all ability to hear me if he sees any wild animals and will take off chasing them. I guess being a Staffie/boxer/ridgeback cross is to blame for his instinct in chasing. He is improving at coming when I call him, I only have myself to blame. He came into my life when I was unwell as a foster puppy with two siblings.

The wind was picking up on the home ward journey. as can be seen in the poplars in the middle row below. I also love the very old quince tree with the Hills Hoist rotary clothes hoist in front of it. Many hours of childhood were spent spinning around on one similar.

  • Miss Treacle her tail blowing in the wind
  • Poplars in Autumn dress being blown in wind

  • Quince tree with Hills Hoist in front of it

This mornings walk up the road, probably looks pretty much like the last photographs I posted. We took a chance in between wind and rain, to go out, and I timed it really well. Autumn has finally arrived here and Mother Earth is changing the trees colours well at least the deciduous ones. The problem lies with the wind, the leaves are being blown off so quickly.

Photos above Miss Treacle smiling at me saying see a walk makes us all feel better, and the clean air and being in nature the smells all wonderful. I had to agree and said to her yes it was wonderful that you made me get up and go for a walk. Second photo she is sleeping and snoring. Little angel that she is. Yes she does sleep with her eyes open.

Later in the day we walked about the garden. It was another interluded of sunshine between showers and wind. In the grass I often see these holes dug out, now if you do not know many people would assume that they are dug by rabbits. We do get rabbits here. These holes are not dug by them, rabbits when they dig usually leave little piles of manure, and a very different shaped hole. This one has a pointy shape and is quite different it is dug by a bandicoot, who as you can see have a pointed nose. This is an Eastern Barred Bandicoot we also have Southern Brown Bandicoots

Bandicoots – Bush Heritage Australia
bushheritage.org.au

The photos below show the vegetable garden and rhubarb which is in a bed in the front of my house.

The fig is giving me small tasty figs. I am not sure what I need to do to increase their size next season. It is growing in a half wine barrel.

The beans took a huge hit in the wind last photo.

Broad beans, coriander, kale, and other brassicas are doing well. I have small lettuce seedlings, rocket, red veined sorrell, silverbeet all coming up. The broccoli that you pick again small style is doing well, delicious and sweet I pick it and eat it raw.

My neighbours glass house is looking wonderful and I have said I am jealous. In a very nice way.
The colour of the blueberry bushes is such a strong red. I also have some garlic shoots already protruding. Along with the broad beans which are flowering already so very strange.

  • The wind has devastated the beans, and now I just wait for them to dry.

We returned inside, and relaxed for a while.

I found it hard to sit still today and at about 1700 I said to the dogs, lets go for another walk up the hill. You can probably imagine their responses.


They were both uber excited, and off we went, the sun was getting lower in the sky and I was a tad concerned about the critters that might be coming out, but we headed off.
I had no expectation of seeing anyone. So we were all very happy to see our neighbour at the top of the hill and his dog Toby. Off went Busby to play with Toby.

Miss Treacle actually squeaked in such joy at seeing our neighbour, she loves him so much. He picked her up and she was in heaven.

He and I talked and he had made 6 litres of pasata from his home grown tomatoes and dried several kilos as well. WOW!how wonderful.
The sky was darkening a bit as clouds came over and we headed home, two very satiated dogs.

We were almost home and Busby saw his other friends Chubb and Toby from across the road, and I said yes he could go and say hello.

Off they both went and I chatted with their owner. They played we chatted standing far apart.

As we were talking another neighbour and her little one came by with their bikes, so we all said hi and chatted. The little one no longer has training wheels on her bike, and so we watched her ride all the way down the hill and use her brakes well, several times. Complimenting her on her achievements and brake skills.

It was growing darker and colder, the tip of my nose was chilled. It was really feeling like winter.

I was very very happy to come home ,to my warm home made white loaf of bread. A big cup of tea and fresh crusty warm bread with butter and vegemite.(Please Note see how little vegemite I spread on my bread..some like a bit more but never spread it thick)
The best end to a really wonderful day all the while staying at home or very close bye, being safe and keeping social distancing, and exercising.

I am thankful for the beauty that I am surrounded by. I am thankful for the food I have and the ability to make my own meals from scratch. I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for feeling unafraid in these times, I am thankful for being so fortunate. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful for you. May you all stay safe.

Blessings Tazzie

11

Feeling it’s not enough. (may be triggering)

Its been kind of hard to kick start myself into writing this week, and I know in my heart it is because I am feeling overwhelmed. Not really by What is going on with the lock down but more about what is not going on here at home.

Yes I have been walking everyday bar one and that was because Busby my big dog would not come out for a walk in the wind and rain, he is petrified of them. (we got caught in a really horrible hail storm and wind storm out walking last year). Since he is very concerned about wind and storms.

I have been having my shower every two days, and generally getting to bed by 22:30 with exception one night it was 20minutes later. The light is turned straight off though.

We did a 5km walk on Thursday and our normal walks up our road which are not anywhere near as long. I do think it may have been a bit much but I will do it again at least once a week and hope to get it up to twice a week.

What is not happening is inside my home, and I have neglected my veggie garden a bit. I was thinking with all the rain we have been having it should be OK, but it was quite dry under the first inch of soil. Poor plants.

The grass is growing as are the weeds, it is looking so lovely and green.

My idea has been that I was going to spend time outside when I could weeding and prepping things, tidying up, you know Autumn activities.

On the days its raining to do some work inside my home. I did a little bit of sorting and through a few things out. I have piles of clothes I moved off my lounge (I was rearranging the lounge room) and well the clothes are now near the stairs, the lounge room is still like all of my home (with the exception of my bedroom and upstairs toilet a mess) that’s what happens when you hoard.

I feel if I write about these things here it seems to help me focus. I am not annoyed or upset that I have not been doing what I hoped. Instead I am quite happy that I am exercising everyday and showering every second day, along with getting to bed and lights out by 22:30. These routines have been in place for about three weeks now, and I feel really positive about them.

In writing I am realising that I potentially am pushing myself too far too quickly. As anyone with anxiety illnesses knows what can happen then is you can feel overwhelmed and you shutdown. I feel that my brain wanting to keep going get it all done, is overruling the reality and logic of dealing with my mental illness, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I feel in rereading what I have written that I potentially would be setting myself up for failure.

Instead of rejoicing and being in the moment of what I am achieving after years of doing nothing regularly, the new routine is a real positive step in my being healthier, fitter, more oxygen and better blood circulation, along with smelling nicer, and having clothes that are washed and not spotted in goop. Instead of wearing clothes for days upon days, I will wash them after two /three wears depending on what I have been doing in them. So if digging in the garden and I know I am going to be out there again tomorrow I put these clothes on again. I will come in that day and shower wash the clothes and what ever else is there needing to be washed. (I usually only wash if I have a full load.

Yet even though I really know how well I am doing and how much I am achieving personally at the moment, those pesky voices you know the ones I mean are speaking up. Louder it seems. Its not enough, look at the pigsty you live in it is disgraceful disgusting. I can almost feel the threats and the punishment for it being so bad. As I write this my head feels as if it is going to burst and my throat is dry . I feel ill. I feel like I want to crawl away and hide in disgrace and shame. I feel so small and helpless. I want to scream but I have to be quiet. My heart is pounding. It is so weird to be feeling all this as I write and share. Knowing I am thousands of kilometers from any one who can hurt me. That I am no longer that small frightened child. I am realising that the mess in my house is tied up to far more than I have thought.

I am aware now rereading the above that it is really OK for the house to be as it is. It is better in some ways then it has been in years. I have cleaned up stairs windows, and thrown out some stuff. I have boxed up books I no longer want. I have created an indoor garden upstairs. I have bought paint to change my bedroom. It is just not the right time. RIght now it is not the house’s time.

It is time for me to become stronger. Healthier. Before I really did not see the actual state of my house. I mean I step over things, and its bad. The kitchen is horrendous, but the things I cook my meals in and the dishes are cleaned but its embarrassing. I am so ashamed. I am not being hard on myself. I am not sharing this for anything other than to prompt me to remind me. I can let know one in and that sort of has been a positive.

I am doing far better this month than I was last months. I am moving forward. The steps have been quite big. I look at the changes I have made. I just checked the time it is 22:13 and I have 17 minutes to get to bed. I will keep walking and keep having a shower every second day. I will wash my clothes every few days. This is massive stuff for me. I am proud of myself.

The rest can wait, it is bugging me. It can wait. I am doing really well. It will all come together eventually. There is no rush, it has taken a long time of this way of life which protected me kept me feeling safe. I am getting stronger, and the strategies and management tools are developing. It is a forward motions always and that is all I seek. A step forward no matter how minuscule, is huge.

I am thankful for being able to walk in such lovely location. I am thankful to have plenty of water, I am thankful that the numbers of people in my state with COVID and in my country are falling very low. I am thankful to have a place to write and in the process of writing discover more positives and also more about why I react and do what I have been doing.

be safe, blessings Tazzie

21

Comfort eating. may be triggering

Comfort eating, and my CPTSD seem to go in hand in hand. I find it so easy when things hit me in the face and throw me backwards mentally or emotionally that I go shopping mindlessly and end up with a trolley full of sugar and chips. I have been working on it and up until recently this has been improving.

For example, I now buy 460ml of ice cream instead of a litre and eat all of that, with a small bar of chocolate you know the one strip bar. I would buy a small pack of chips. Where as before it would be the family block of chocolate and the big bag of chips and a litre of icecream. I would than go home and devour it all!!

The problem with this is the highly processed foods create the cycle of continuing to want them. So having just come through this comfort eating period and assessing what has worked for me most recently is to make things I enjoy at home.

When I am content and happy, doing stuff about the garden and a little in the house, (I am a recovering( slowly) hoarder(I no longer bring things into the house) so the house is a very slow work in progress and the garden is preferential but also um needing work.

I eat better and am far more conscious of nutrition. Yesterday, I was wanting something sweet, ( I do not have sugar in tea or coffee). When I am not anxious or triggered I am satiated much easier. The highly processed food after the first few mouthfuls does nothing, it just is something to do that I am unable to stop, and believe me I have tried every method to stop myself. It is just shoveling it in to fill a hole.

I have decided that I am not going to punish myself by not allowing myself to eat sweet food. Or salty food. I did that quite a while ago middle of last year. I have still had several episodes over that time where triggers have occurred that see me blindly go in and just buy junk food.

The impact of being annoyed at myself created me to me become bulimic, ( a fairly recent thing and not something I have shared with my psychologist or GP), which makes the whole situation worse. So now, I am aware and I try very hard to minimise the junk. Even when I do not as happened recently I just accept it, and look at what has kept the distance of these reactions to the triggers apart.

Me making a semolina pudding with brown sugar butter and milk, contains far less sugar and fat than in the ice cream, biscuits and chocolate I would buy. Having it when I have eaten a good nutrituous meal helps too and again I am content.

I have also found a wonderful thing called microwave mug cakes. Cake is one of my down falls, and this way I can make a home made cake and eat it all but it is only in a mug. Yes I do add delicious icing to it too. For example yesterday I made a lime (using limes off my tree) cake with coconut icing.

For brunch I had eggs on toast with a sausage and coleslaw I made with red cabbage a local carrot, and one of my apples. Delicious filling nutritious. Dinner was coleslaw and nuts with tomato (mine) on toast. I am having a hot chocolate with a teaspoon of my home made rosehip syrup in it. So delicious as I sit beside the fire with two dogs snoring. The rosehip syrup is sweet and it satiated my itch for a little sweetness today.

It is so hard when I am not well. As I do know what is best for me and what makes me function. The old retreat and overeat by self comforting is no longer what I want to be doing. I like knowing why I do, it you know having insight. I like that I have been able to adapt and make the choices smaller when I am triggered if I am able to. I am also OK when it is a full blow out and I am working on not punishing (throwing up) myself when I do either as it is really just another method of controlling my feelings and emotions.

I am not out for sympathy or rescuing please. I write these things down as it really helps me see my whole picture. Occasionally what I have shared has helped someone else. If sharing my own mental illness and journey honestly helps anyone for themselves or someone they love/know or care for, then that is good. I write though mainly for me, as often when I write, bells ring and things gain clarity.

The other positive in all of this is that I have now been walking my dogs all bar one day for two weeks. I have gone on one longer walk in that time, and my intention is to increase my walks to do the longer one at least twice a week. The interesting thing when You have dogs is that they get into a routine far quicker than you do. So now my guys make eyes at me when I am reluctant to go for a walk. They push all my buttons with their eyes, and rather than deal with that I get up out of the chair and we walk up the hill. We also go walking about the paddock everyday and about the house several times. So my phyiscal activity through walking has increased .

I am thankful for my dogs, for their needs outruling mine. I am thankful that I have insight in my mental illness and why I respond as I do. I am thankful that I have space, I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for my governments work in stopping the spread of the virus, I am thankful that I do not find being at home isolation bad. I am thankful for all I have, I am thankful to have this space to write. I am thankful to other bloggers whose blogs make me laugh, inspire me, awe me, provide challenges for me, evoke responses from me. Who share their skills and own life journeys.

blessings Tazzie


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