Category: anxiety

Cinderella in disguise time to take a holiday

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to dinner where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication (thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to a gathering where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication, thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy. I also have purchased items I needed for work I am doing about the house so I have not placed myself in any financial hardship/risk with my actions.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
-being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals,
-the shopping stuff, if I go onto buy something for Temu or any website when I am on my meds it is because it is fun, makes me smile, or is something useful.
-life helps me to create routine and order in my day to day life setting up alarms and reminders to do things not always accomplished or even started but the regular necessities are undertaken daily.
– I shower and tend to go to bed at a regular time that is beneficial for me, my dogs our life.
-not craving or bingeing sweet food and preparing meals and healthier eating mostly
-doing small things daily that have been left i.e. putting nails into something that
kept slipping and hitting me wow simple and effective. Cutting a rose bush that hit me everytime I went into the chook run.
-realising that the likely hood of me doing all that is needed and hiring a lovely person to come and get the things done such as transplanting trees, and removing blackberries clearing other bits is making me feel more in control of my home and the land I enjoy.

there are other positives for me in taking this medication, and I am very fortunate that the adverse symptoms are low for me. I am on a very low does 10mg and as described in another post this is great for me.
Thanks for reading this if you made it all the way. Let me know if it helped you in anyway. Medication regardless of what it is, is a very individual thing, and again what I take and the amount, its impact on me are very much my experience so can not be looked at how it might impact you.

I am not sharing this information for children or younger people with ADHD this is from the perspective of a 60year old female and is my personal experiences.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

4

Do Over.

day 4 ADHD medication.

Hmmm slept so heavily last night, 13 hours, but woke and felt good. My brain was not running at warp speed when I rose and headed down stairs. I made my coffee, and some crumpets with peanut butter and honey on them. The dogs were fed and exercised. Then I knew I had to basically do over yesterday. y.

Loaded up my guys, getting them in their harnesses. (this always means some wonderful adventure when we go out in the car). So they were both bouncing happily. I drove and planed what to do. I had to pick up the bag I had left at the cafe yesterday and well I parked the car, crossed the street and my intent was to just pick up the bag. Then impulsively I ordered a mug of coffee and a wee jelly cake. I enjoyed the cake and should have left some of the coffee. I enjoyed about half of it. I did not leave any. When I left I had to go and get some items across the road. Only to find that the shop was not open on this Saturday morning. Ah well. Then I felt my heart racing a bit. Was I annoyed?

I returned to the car, and drove to the local animal/rural supply store. Got my dogs out, and walked them up the road (they are allowed in the store). A wee and sniff, then I heard someone call my name and how lovely some friends were there getting some timber fence poles and a gate. We chatted had a laugh the dogs got cuddles, we said bye and into the store we headed. I had to pick up the meat for them that I was too early for yesterday(the whole reason I had come to the larger town further from my home).


I love that I can take the dogs inside, they love it. As all the bags of dog and cat food are laying on pallets, and the smell of chook food, and rabbit food, and all the other dogs that visit is exciting and tires them out. They get weighed when we visit, to keep an eye on them both as they get older. I purchased my meat, and the dogs got their treats, Another reason why they love visiting. Then we headed back in the direction we had come from.

Instead of going home, I impulsively went to the smaller town closer to home. Unloaded the dogs and walked up the main street. I have no idea why I decided to do this, I needed nothing and I did not buy anything. We just walked up the main street. We did run into our neighbours who are working on a building they have purchased for a business in town. A short walk and chat with them and then back in the car and home.

I have to say it was good to get home. I stacked some wood. Leaving only about 4.75 tons to complete, filled the wood box and came inside. I was pleased I completed that task and getting the stuff from town. I then sat down to attend to some bills that I get funded for and have taken over the self management of. Rather than someone else being paid to do it. I have not been able to get into it, but this afternoon I just sat at my computer and read the information that I had been oblivious had been sent to me. Logged into the area I needed to be and began to pay some outstanding invoices. It was actually for me today simple. Not so good when the invoices were rejected.

Turns out you have to have the money in an account to do it this way, and well I have not had the money transferred to me, at this point in time. So I have popped that I need to contact the office on Monday to have this organised. I just probably also need to chat to my bank to see how much it will cost if I have another bank account. I am not overwhelmed, or anxious, frustrated or feeling anyway negative. I am proud that I worked it out did it and have planned the next step in ensuring I can pay my invoices. That I feel is the medication at work. I was able to focus totally; on something I have been procrastinating and anxious about for over 5months. Sure its not finished, but that is now on the plan and I will be alerted on Monday to remind me to contact the office.

I may not have planted the broad beans, or began the kitchen. I did cook myself from scratch a really healthy delicious meal for my dinner, even going out to pick some herbs and make the mushroom sauce from scratch for over the chicken. I have some left over for pasta later in the week, and the vegies that are left over will be lovely added to some mince for a savoury mince dish. Wow. I am pretty sure that is the work of the medication. I have not cooked anything involving herbs from my garden and making a sauce from scratch(even though it was pretty simple) for way too long. I like the feeling.

So I have not created a huge list each day, I have been achieving at least one or two things of my list on top of the regulars, like dogs exercise(which I am aiming to be me walking with them instead of me driving and they run). Along with preparing the soaked portion of their food the night before. Tick tick, garbage bin is a weekly occurrence in and out. Along with bed at such and such a time is the aim. Read for a while and light out. That is my basic daily /weekly list. I have transferred the kitchen and broad beans to tomorrow. Actually I have reminded myself I want to soak the beans over night and then sow them. a task for tonight.
So far the structure is sort of working. I am realising that why I perhaps stayed as a RN for so many years was that there is a structure to your shift. No matter where I worked, be it in community, in mental health, rehab, ICU emergency, there was a process to every thing we have to attend to in caring for the people we do.

I have worked in offices, and well I managed but my desk was messy and disorganised to the others eyes, and generally I could find what was required. I was never terminated from an office job, or a sales position. I was even promoted, but I never wanted or aimed to be a managerial level even in nursing. I was in charge of aged care facilities on night shifts when I worked, but it was not quite the same as being in charge during a day shift, as no other interactions ie with doctors physios, admin, family, and rarely phone calls to deal with. I feel for most of my working career when I began to feel as if I could not manage I would find a new job and then resign. I once tried to be the President of a community organisation, and well my brain was not designed for that I felt as if I was pushed under the bus, and way out of my depth, as if there is a whole secret way and code of how to do that sort of thing, and I was not in the group who knew! not an odd feeling for me throughout my life I have to say.

Oops I have sort of gone off on a tangent there, but being able to do the task online, and fill the required documents in and complete them along with send them. Even though they were rejected was a Massive achievement for me today and well it does all kind of tie in.
In just how not knowing I had ADHD for ALL my working life and all my life and somehow managed. But to know why I struggled and why I knew I could NOT ever really be a manager or Nurse in Charge full time, not because I was hopeless but because my brain is not wired that way is great news. I am not sure how my life in my work situation may have been different is I was diagnosed and that is where I see absolutely NO purpose in even pondering it.

When I was attempting to undertake this paying the invoices before just the trying was exhausting and cause me so much anxiety and frustration at my incompetence in not being able to take the information in, or find what I needed too. Weirdly all the information was at my fingertips, and in my emails. My brain is an amazing thing. If this is how the medication may help me I am quietly hopeful, still frightened that something may be lost that made me me, and I like the me before I began this medication. It has been a positive day and I am thankful.

blessings to You Tazzie.

Please not all the information is shared here, is my personal experience/opinion/feelings. Please do not share any information/content without my consent thank You.

2

Hoarder within; Enough is enough?

(May be triggering )
How truly incredible this thing called the internet is! It is through this that I was able to discovery a online support group based on the mainland of Australia. Facilitated by those who have and are managing their hoarding I assume. It was like so many things easy for me to type in the interest in joining the support group and I was relieved when I was accepted. (not being in the state and it is a state health organisation operating the support meetings, I was unsure if I would be accepted). It turned out I am not the only interstate attendee.
Only one meeting in and it was at times a bit stilted as we all I guess dealt with our own anxieties about this meeting. My levels of anxiety were so extreme. Yet I set the alarm, and abnormally for me I had no desire to go and do anything, as in flee or not connect. My more normal response to new situations.

The fact is knowing that hoarding is a major issue in many countries, and impacts individuals, families and communities is one thing. I knew other people hoarded. I knew! Really I knew!
What I felt in meeting these other people was wow, I am not alone. I am not incompetent, I am not a failure, I am non of the things I have beaten myself up about or labelled myself; ashamed of how I Live and how I have somehow let my whole home become a place that bewilders me everyday.. and yet I manage to live in it. I make meals, I rarely eat out and the meals I make in my kitchen are fresh and tasty but I would not cook anything for anyone else…my kitchen is a hoarders, my meals do not make me ill. I wash my clothes, and dry them at present over my stair rails with the fire going, (winter here ). I can shower, and my toilets work.

The other major thing I have done, is asked for someone who specialises in helping clean and organise hoarders homes.(at least that is the blurb), I sent a message honest explaining my mental illness and I am a hoarder, how ashamed and full of anxiety I am just to ask for the quote. I received a lovely response which helps a little. I now wait for the person to contact me and hopefully make a date and time for doing the quote. Knowing that when that comes emotions will again surface and anxiety.
Being on a National Disability Insurance Scheme Pension does give me some funding for support. I did not really understand much about the support, and agreed to have house and gardening funding even though I really REALLY did not want or need it. As it was for a few hours a month. I am fortunate that my psychologist appointments are funded on the scheme. Something I will be eternally thankful for.

I ended up sending a request to my co-ordinator asking if instead of the monthly hours and cost/payment could the amount be utilised in helping me deal with the hording. My co-ordinator was so happy that I had asked for help..I am to send the quote to her and my hope is they will cover it. Now my anxiety is about how much it will cost. I have to breathe deeply as I write as I can feel myself going down the vortex of all the other what ifs, etc.

I now having made the calls, and the MASSIVE STEP to ask for help publicly announcing my situation even though I have shared with people neighbours and friends others that I am a hoarder, this, This step a business specialising in hoarding..really seriously I don’t need that I can do it
I will for my own coping mechanism have to take the person on the journey I had with a previous attempt to assist me clean my home and get rid of the ‘rubbish’ which destroyed my trust and made my hoarding worse. It is the only way for me to begin to have to trust again someone coming into my home and respectfully supporting me through a big step I know is not going to be easy. I know is going to be so bloody hard at times. But I also KNOW I am ready, I know for my mental health to continue to improve my home can not remain as it is. I can not live anymore like this, and it is so wrong for my dogs; who are not at risk or are they suffering, neglected or any other concerns anyone may have. My dogs are the highest priority in my life believe me. It is also wrong for me.

My dream is to have a plumber come in and fix my leaking kitchen pipe (not sure how many years that has been there but at least 2 or more) It is basically impossible to wash up in my kitchen. I may also be able to finally find the leak in my kitchen wall and have that fixed! Such very small things. The leaking pipe was not the reason I have become a hoarder, but my hoard is why neither of these things have been fixed. Not being able to wash up properly has let the kitchen basically become perhaps the worst room in the house. Ahhh here I go running off ahead of myself. Stop STOP..the contact with the person has not happened yet. Just for a quote. Breathe breathe.. feeling nauseous. what if the person does not ring, what if the quote is too high…breathe stop breathe. Be proud. I have asked for help. I have sought and found support. One step at a time. breathe.


blessings to You, Tazzie

10

Contentment: is not a dirty word.

Hi here I am and what a couple of weeks it has been since I last posted. I had a few replies to my emails in regard to issues of accessibility for rural and remote rural people who need to see a psychiatrist. The huge costs now involved for anyone even Pension card holders and unemployed will now have to pay several hundred dollars for an initial psychologist or psychiatrist appointment and receive a rebate that means a large out of pocket expense on a service that was bulk billed up until late 2021. My cost to see a psychiatrist was I thought going to be $200, and I would be rebated about $60 back arrgh was bad enough. I was actually devastated when informed I needed to see a new psychiatrist and this would now cost me $600! I blanked out the rebate but it was only a small proportion of the cost. Let me put that into focus. My monthly pension from NDIS is $1890 roughly.
I own my home out right, I have no debts. I will struggle to find this amount. How anyone else on a pension or unemployment a student will be able to afford it makes me incredibly distressed and anxious for their well being.
Not sure if things will change but here in Australia we are in a Federal Election year and expect the Prime Minister to announce soon when the Federal election will be. Our process is EXTREMELY different to USA for which I am very grateful. Here the Party and we have three major ones, Liberal who are in power now more right side leaning, Labor the opposition more left side and the Greens who are more left than Labor I guess. It will be a very interesting and frustrating time in the next period of time.
I would like to have gone further with the issues and kept emailing people who may really be able to see that this will increase mental health trauma and make many sicker, and potentially self harm. For my own well being I have to minimise my frustration and angst, as it creates issues in my own mental health and how I am managing.
All I can do is hope that things will get better in regard to this disgraceful situation for the people who really need support and access to mental health professionals and now can not afford it.


I had a physical issue occur three weeks a go. I had been sitting on my lounge with my knee bent under me, and I realised I had hurt something inside my knee. I was caring for my knee and myself (having been a RN) I knew what was good. It was healing and going fairly well. I could weight bare on it, I could bend it and straighten it with a little pain. I was not needing any support to walk on it I was just cautious.
I let the dogs out one night and when they returned inside I turned after closing the door, only to suddenly find myself on the floor. My knee had given out on me. I knew that was a concern. Though right at that precise moment I had other concerns.

There are very few positives when you are a hoarder. I however was unharmed from the fall as I landed on a pile of clothes. (no they had not contributed nor had I tripped over anything) The access from the door to living area is a clear path with crap on the sides. I had fallen at an angle, thankfully the clothes stopped me potentially hurting myself even more. I was now laughing, as I could see both my dogs just looking at me, like what you doing down there Mamma? I was bewildered as to what had happened and how I was going to get up. I managed it not exactly sure, needs certainly must.

I realised my knee had given out, and now it hurt. I put my injured knee to the floor and I could walk on it but gingerly. Depending on how it was positioned it hurt more. I realised it was not brilliant, but it was not so bad that I was too worried about it that night. I took some anti inflammatory medication and paracetamol, slept well but even in sleep felt pain when I moved into certain positions. On waking the next morning I made the decision my knee was not badly injured, I could manage going up stairs one at a time good leg first and holding tightly to the rails. Coming down was not as painful or difficult. As I have steps to come in and out of the house, this situation raised concern, along with the fear of my knee giving out again at any time depending on how I moved my leg. I was not in a lot of pain, just at times if I moved my leg in a way and my knee responded in a very negative ooops Nope.

I live out of town, no public transport, taxis, and not sure about Uber (but I could not afford Uber to Hobart anyway or a taxi). I then began to worry about my dogs. I really knew my only choice was to head to the public hospital in Hobart. As the nearest radiography business was 50km away and I would have to go to my GP get an appointment get to Kingston, then return. Meaning a lot of in and out of a vehicle. If anything was needed I may still end up at the public hospital Royal Hobart anyway. The decision was not difficult for me, I tried to see if any friend or neighbour may be able to take me. Nope. OK. I really began to be concerned about the dogs. It was too hot for them to be in a car in a car park(which would be super noisy and smelly) for who knew how long, better they were at home. Though sometimes you can be waiting 15+ hours to be seen at the Royal emergency depending on what was happening and this was not really an emergency. I tried to see if the dogs could go to a friends they were not home. I was in pain at the end of my abilities having tried to find a solution for the dogs, as I knew I could drive myself (which is why I did not take any medication) my car is an automatic and it was the leg I did not need to drive my car, how fortunate was that.
I must have cried as I finished the call to my friend. I had just sat overwhelmed worried for my dogs being locked up inside the house all day and potentially into the night and maybe longer.
As I began to work out logistics, I had decided the worst case scenario would be I would have terrible mess to clean up on my return. I decided to make a huge effort and take the dogs for a run (me driving the car ) before I left so hopefully they would use their bowels. Success one less worry.
Now what to use as a crutch or support for me to be able to get from the car park to the hospital? I was sitting on the lounge and next thing the dogs are barking someone is on my deck and opening the door. I am freaking out so mortified that someone is coming into my home (hoarders house no one allowed in). I loose it. and flee. well end up turning my back on her and just sobbing please get out get out please!
she does
I am now hysterical and the dogs are perplexed and distressed at my sobs.
All I can now think about is she knows how bad my house is NOOOOOooo.

I sit for what feels like an eternity, reassure the dogs and find a broom to use as a crutch.
Broom tucked under my arm the plastic knob on the handle end is pointed and at that point in time I don’t notice. I sneak a look out the window hoping that my neighbour has gone. She has. I hobble to the car, leaving my dogs inside.

I drive to Hobart, find a parking spot as close to the elevators closest to the hospital side of the car park. I go down into a part of a busy mall the broom under my arm, the head of the soft indoor broom down on the floor firmly supporting me. I swept as I hobbled out through the mall, up to the traffic lights, crossed the road, and down a very steep entrance drive for ambulances and pedestarians to the Emergency entrance.
Mask on the whole way, I was incredibly fortunate, that it seemed there was only one person waiting but of course you have no idea how many people or how serious they are already in the department. What I did know having worked at emergency and hoped it had not changed much was that lunch breaks start about 11:30 and I was there at 10:30, people wanting a sick certificate for work would have been or were being seen. That very few work accidents happen so early in the morning at work. No major vehicle accidents had happened. It was too early for school accidents too. Sometimes it pays to have some knowledge. I waited in the waiting area maybe 10 mins 15max. Then me and my broom went in and the Nurse practitioner was efficient and too my surprise no BP TEmp OBs were taken. Wow somethings had changed for the better. I mean ambulant patient not complaining of feeling ill does not need those. I waited maybe an hour for an X ray, which was taken and showed there may be a small tear of my meniscus of my knee. Or it may have been the way my trousers were impacting the X ray? I would be contacted if I needed a review.
Nurse Practitioner did some movements of my knee cap and nothing hurt bad enough to make me squeal. This surprised him, and when I had told him about the activity where it hurt most as in up from sitting standing position, and climbing up stairs, and my now phobia about falling due to knee giving way. This was the main reason I had presented. It was decided that crutches for a week and when I was weary form moving without them. Some resting off it when it was aching or painful, but using it was the best remedy.
I was offered some medication to have now, but as I had to drive home and strangely Ibuprofen and paracetamol make me tired. I ask if I could have something a bit stronger, and was only able to have provided 8 Panadine forte on script. I just wanted to be able to sleep completely pain free that night.

I was fitted with crutches, and released. All up three and half hours. WOW! As I was leaving I noted that the emergency room waiting area was full now as was the area behind where I was now discharged from. I made my way back to the car park, paid the $6 and as I lowered myself into the car pulling the crutches across me and angled safely in the passenger seat. I buckled up, very relieved, exhausted and hungry (I had eaten nothing and had one glass of water ). As I had to get the script for Panadine forte filled I went to a local cafe, a coffee and food as I waited. Two friends were there and we had a lovely visit under the shade of the trees with the heat surrounding us. I left not too long later picked up my medication and home.



If only someone could sell that feeling: Driving into your driveway, getting out of the car, opening the front door and being greeted exuberantly by two warm beings who love you so much. My heart was so overwhelmed and my soul exhausted I began to cry as I let the dogs sniff my new helpers. Tears running down my face as I hobbled up the steps went inside, I fed my dearest beings in my life. Knowing that it was very doubtful I would be getting up very soon once I threw myself down on my mattress on the floor(yes it is still down stairs on the floor after Busby’s operation). Making life with a banged up knee much easier. I had opened the door out on the deck so the dogs could go in and out if needed.
I now had taken medication for pain and inflammation. I woke up seven hours later. Two dogs pressing hard into each side I was pinned down on the bed under the sheet. The fan going and the sun setting no cool breeze. SIGH… in describable contentment and happiness at that moment.

My knee is getting back to pre injury, not sure my thoughts of trusting it are. I believe that is pretty normal. I am so thankful I was not worse off. I am so thankful I am content, I am so thankful my dogs were fine, I am so thankful to have friends and people I could call. I am especially thankful that I did not allow myself to feel that I had no friends, no-one to help me, and go down that path I have often feeling so worthless. I am thankful I am strong, independent able to think logically and rationally when plans change. Not letting my anxiety take over.

blessings to You, Tazzie

5

Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

2

Withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine continues. P2

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 10: Wow am I all over the place today.
I broke my toe about 9am yes definitely broken, its taped to my other toe and hurts like hell and if i move it wrongly I feel ill. Did not cry when I did it yelled and screamed for bit.
for any new readers I have CPTSD and am a hoarder. I am hoping to be able to say recovering hoarder as I have spent several hours today cleaning and throwing things out. I have wooden floor visable for the first time in a few years in my living space. I also found two places where mice were making nests. Foiled them nests gone. I am proud of myself as it was done with no effort, no planning. I just wanted to do it. I have been wanting to begin for months and had been saying so to my psychologist and my previous GP (the one who was 140km round trip away who told me I lacked motivation). I tried to explain to her I did not lack motivation. I was not able to do this!
As I do this I am struggling still to get rid of items. Yet I am proud of myself that I have thrown away quite a few items that I have held on too or that were damaged. I am noting I am getting better at the concept if its been on the floor and I have been walking on it or stacked stored in a pile of stuff for several years and I have not used it. Why keep it.
I have been spending money on things I have wanted to do creative activities with. I have wanted to get these things for so long and well yesterday I just did it. I felt joy.
I am eating fairly healthy.
I went out last night for a wine evening and lovely dinner. It was brilliant and I enjoyed being with my friend and being with 30 others but was very happy to return home after 2 1.2 hours a great meal and wonderful wine (tasted 14different wines from sparkling whites roses to reds. Ended with a small tequilla. (i love tequllia). I am not a big wine drinker or actually alcohol drinker at all and this is a monthly evening I have been a member of for several years. (my one real social event ).

I washed a load of clothes hung them out in the beautiful sunshine and bought them in.

I left my two dogs outside for a bit too long unsupervised thinking the chooks would have gone to bed. Sadly I heard chickens screeching, and as fast as I could hobble I went outside realising what was on. In the past I got so angry at Busby. I was annoyed, because he would not stop chasing this one hen. (he gets fixated and it is impossible almost to break his fixation) once I knew the hen was safe got him to hear me and go inside. I was not anywhere near as angry as I have been in the past at him. It was my fault I left him outside too long. My error.

I am teary, right now. Have just questioned the meaning of friendship to those who are my friends on facebook, since not one person I have as a friend and I only have people I really know and have known for several years as friends. As I had not been on Facebook for 10 weeks. So questioning the whole friend thing. Not really sure what I am expecting. Not sure why I wrote on Facebook bizzare.

I have no real idea how much longer withdrawal is going to take perhaps several weeks more. I have to see my new GP on Thursday. She seemed to have the idea I may have been wanting to self -harm. I kept saying this is the furthest away from my situation. I am so glad to wake up everyday, I am content in my discontent. I have asked my psychologist who was sending information to the new GP to please somehow ensure she is aware that I am not in anyway considering self harm or suicide.

I guess I am on a weird roller coaster of unkowns right now. Withdrawal off this medication symptoms are all over the place. I remain light headed and dizzy at times; even lying down go figure. I have nauseous feelings less but still there as is the body temperature fluctuations. Sleep once I get to sleep is heavy and the last two nights nightmare free. The anger I was experiencing earlier is not so pronounced. Though it would not surprise me if it flared out in a trigger situation.
I am very aware that I seem to be a bit all over the place in my writing tonight and my mind is certainly running fast. Is it a withdrawal symptom to feel almost a bit manic? My mind is racing and my thoughts are a bit all over. I feel like I want to just keep getting on with de-hoarding, so full of energy inside. Yet at the same time a sense of weariness. I am now beginning to worry that all of a sudden I will stop sorting my house… that thought distresses me. My toe is beginning to throb, so pain relief tablet due and bed I feel.

I am so thankful to be getting my house a bit better. I am thankful my chook is physically unharmed.
blessing to You, Tazzie

4

You did what?

My first social engagement in a long time was a very enjoyable and at times hilarious creative couple of hours.
In Tasmania we have Womens Health Tasmania. A service run by women for women. I imagine most countries have something similar.

Womens Health Tasmania offer you the opportunity to gain new skills and a better understanding of health issues important to you. We offer:

  • opportunities to participate in activities, workshops and forums;
  • information on general health issues; and
  • individual support.

We also promote the interests of Tasmanian women by working with government and the community sector to provide innovative and cost-effective services.
It is not just about breasts and other parts that make us female, it can be any bit of a female body.
for more information hit the link below.
https://www.womenshealthtas.org.au/events/knit-your-bits

It was on a Sunday afternoon at a lovely new business in Cygnet. Cuckoo. (lovely local creative works being sold for great gift ideas and pure wool for knitting, crotchet, etc.
Our group is doing breasts. Another workshop is the pubic area (Tasmania shape..lol)
You can most likely imagine the laughter and chat that went along with learning to do a magic circle, cups of tea and cupcakes with breast icing decorations.

Just like in real life our crocheted breasts are varied. No pair are the same and no two of a pair are either.

It is also a wonderful pattern for beanies. Miss Treacle is demonstrating the beanie style with elegance.

As hard as it can be for me to sometimes go to things, this was a wonderful small group and I knew no one. I mention this as my anxiety can kick in and that will come out as me talking too much. Some folk do not realise that this is a symptom and not me being comfortable in these sorts of situations. I am really glad I pushed myself and attended.
I did not finish my breast at the group, I get distracted easily. I ended up doing them at home.

It certainly has made me be more creative since. I do tend to forget that being creative and being with small groups is doable for me and with my mental health it does help.

blessings to You, Tazzie

3

Reality of Living with CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and unexpected reaction.

Having a mental illness of any kind is so frustrating and hard at times. Even when as I have been feeling really well, and yes I would still say that I am pretty well in the mental states compared to where I have been even now. Yet this does not stop being hit hard, knowing that I need to fight with every tool I have learnt and utilised in my treatment of CPTSD management too remain moving forward no matter how miniscule that move is.

I am waiting for a colonoscopy. Here in Australia you will only have you have symptoms that may be indicative of problems or potential cancer concerns in your colon. I have been listed as a priority. Which means my symptoms are concerning enough that I need to be seen within a fast time frame. I have a friend who was told needed a colonoscopy. My friend has been placed on a lower level of priority and has up to 12 months to be on the waiting list. (It may be sooner it could be longer). Depending on lists and what happens to my friend’s symptoms.

I was a Registered Nurse and no that the majority of colonoscopies are benign. Yet even with this knowledge for me with my anxiety my mind catastrophises. Of course it will be bad, I am going to die.

I mention this as the trigger for my mental health decline. I have again resorted to sitting on the lounge, and eating comfort food. I have huge insight into this as being a starting point to heading towards the darkness and am struggling but fighting it. My house is going backwards, I have been driving my car and the dogs run ahead. Instead of walking them. All my normal reactions to things I can not handle. I am trying not to think about what is ahead. So loose myself in Youtube and games. All normal for my mental health illness. All symptoms of my illness flaring up.

I look about the house, garden and routine and am very aware that I am not following my routine. Which for anyone who has not read previous posts is pretty simple. Walk my dogs everyday. Have a shower every two days. Go to bed lights out 22:30. Do one thing in the house to improve it every day. Eat healthy. Be thankful.
nothing extreme in that list. Yet for me it is as if I am attempting to climb Mt Everest every day without oxygen.
How do you explain that to anyone who does not understand? Fortunately I do not have to explain it to anyone else. I no longer have to work due to my mental illness.

Yet this morning I woke after going to bed bye 22:30 and up after a good sleep, though I am sleep well most of the time. Once the dogs rose, I went and let out the chooks.

I decided to walk the dogs. I don’t walk them miles it is just up the road and back about 1km or a bit less. We did this, and as usual I felt so much better for doing it.
My well mind says this is so easy and has such benefit for you Tazzie. Then I hear other voices of my past and have to fight them. The berating of parents and teachers the pressure when I could not do what they expected. When I am unwell it is these voices and memories I struggle with. Along with if you lost weight you would be so pretty.. and you are lazy, you never finish anything, you are a slob, you don’t care, why cant you be more like your siblings if you had been the first there would have been no other children in this family, you were a lot of trouble before you were born and still are. I become their expectations. I hated myself and never felt a part or accepted. (that is a whole other story).
Even as I type these words, I have tears for the smaller me and for Who did defend herself and was beaten viciously and punished.

When I reread these words above I realise that I am falling under the battery of abusive demeaning words that were the background of my childhood. Along with other physical abuses. I continue to work constantly daily to let go of these and know that these words no longer have power over me. So it is hard to realise for last month or two this is playing over in my head again, “see you got what you deserved..you are all these things”. So subliminally along with the fear of what if I have cancer, no one for support, I am all alone (which is not fact) but reality and logic kind of go out the window here. Fear and tapes in my head are so detrimental and the response to withdraw and comfort eat, is my treatment.

Filling in the hospital paperwork, next of Kin? I do not have any next of Kin that I want contacted. I do not want anyone to know not because I am ashamed or embarrassed just because I do not. Privacy is important to me. I have told one or two people and here that is enough. Then who is going to pick me up and be present in my home overnight post the colonoscopy? Well I was going to drive myself but know that I can not rationally. (Thankfully a friend has offered to take me and bring me home.) No one will be with overnight. As No One comes inside my home.

These are things I believe that hospitals just do not understand. So I will probably be less than truthful about filling this in if I am not allowed to leave it blank. This is part of my mental illness that is difficult for even hospital administration to understand.

Just sharing this here, writing it all down has always assisted me to really see how my illness is the cause of my reactions and responses.

I have forgiven all the people (mostly family members) for the way I was treated and abused. Not for them and they are not aware of this fact. It was only ever for me. As I hated the anger that accompanied the tears and frustration of my triggers. The triggers still happen as I have documented and no matter where I am on being able to manage my responses to them. It is only with insight that I can process accept and move forward.

So my personal treatment plant of withdrawing and comfort eating, being aware that my routine is slipping but not gone are all OK and acceptable. I have not failed I have not fallen back into the deep hole I have been climbing out of. I have loved and soothed myself in perhaps not the best way, yet every day I have had insight and awareness that it will be OK, and I will be able to get back into the garden and connect again in ways that help me as seen by writing here again. Living with a mental illness is an ongoing thing.
Like being a diabetic if I can stick with my life time treatment plan medication, routine and utilising my management tools I will be living a great life for me. I know this from when I am even better than I am right now. It is worth it and for anyone who is finding the best medication, the psychologist, what works for them as an individual to live the life you want and no one else’s. It is a lot of effort and there will be I am sorry to say periods where you are not doing as well as you have.
You will have gained insight and know that you are unwell due to your illness and triggers, through no fault of your own. You will be able to move forward and live the life you want.

I have struggled for too many years attempting to fit into family, school, work, and community. Where I am accepted as I am is my community and when I go out into it when I choose is wonderful. When I withdraw they generally understand. I have people who check in on me, and wonderful unobtrusive neighbours.

I like who I am and am very proud of who I am. I am thankful that I am doing well even when it feels like I am not. When I read back my jottings over the years I see where I have been and where I am now. I love waking up each morning and going to sleep each night. I am thankful I did not kill myself when I tried. I am thankful for all I have. I am thankful to be able to share my life with my mental illness warts and all.


blessings to You, Tazzie

23

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Me.

Even when life is so positive it can be quite a challenge when you have CPTSD or PTSD to manage when some bumps appear.

The difference for me now in my management and coping with my mental illness is I can usually work out or understand why behaviours and reactions occur and aspects of my life which had seemed under control, are obviously just under the surface and are ready to jump out and catch you when you are challenged.

I have to have a colonoscopy, and my GP rated it as urgent. Of course I read up on what and why I have had this rating. I find it very very interesting, and thankful that this is happening when I am so greatly improved and healthy mentally. Also having had some huge stress taken off my shoulders financially and dealing with Australian Government bureaucracy every fortnight to now not needing to do that.
I at least understand my instinctive reaction and am not dumping heaps of shit on my shoulders.

I have been working on emotional eating, and eating healthily. Unfortunately this situation has seen me comfort eating plus plus plus. Now I say that it is plus plus plus, when in actual fact for me what I am eating now is very different to what I would have been eating earlier this year. It is no where near the volume. Yet it is so much and of course with that the shame and frustration can begin to become an issue.

I have not let that happen. I acknowledge it is happening. I allow myself to eat and do what settles me right now. The difference is I am totally aware of everything I am eating. The best part is I begin to feel ill. Something in the past that did not happen. It is an acknowledgement that somewhere in my brain a part is aware this is too much. So instead of wolfing down 1 litre/2pints, of ice cream a huge packet of chips, and bags of lollies or biscuits I might eat 475ml/1pint of ice cream, half a pack or less of chips and maybe no biscuits or lollies, or just a handful. That is progress.. but most progress is I am aware of the whys, and understand the reason.

I am so anxious and frightened of what might be, even though my rational logical self which is very present knows it may be something or it may be only hemorrhoids or nothing really. It is a positive that I have chatted to my GP about it, it is a positive that the hospital has contacted me with forms to fill in.
My anxiety rose though as I filled in the forms. Next of Kin, I do not want to list any next of kin, I have to have someone pick me up. It is only a day procedure and probably only a couple of hours. The fact I have an hours drive after is the issue. I also have begun to be concerned for my dogs. Remember there is no date yet. Yet here I am my anxiety building. Deep breath.

Today I have thought about a few ways to manage this. My dogs can be left all day on their own at home. I have had to do it before. Non of us like it but…lol
I have to find someone who can bring me home, I am happy to catch a bus up to Hobart.
Or I put the dogs in a kennel overnight where I know they will be fine. I book into a hotel or bnb for the night after. Or see how much a taxi costs to bring me home post procedure it may be not a lot more expensive.lol

I feel it may be a huge step for me requiring me to ask for help. (memories of the last time I needed someone to help with taking me to my gp appointment when I had no car and no one would could help). A stranger ended up doing it for me. I was so touched.

The other part of the paperwork is the weight issue. I am morbidly obese I have no idea how much I way. I have lost a lot of inches over the last 12 months, which is great. threes sizes in chest and one in trousers blasted tummy.. and I was feeling so good. This requirement has me back in a place where I reach for comfort eating sigh. Like my depression I do not have any desire to go back there.

The overwhelming sense of dread, of firstly telling people that I need help, and secondly knowing that people will want to know the outcome. Deep breath.

The information wanted is too much for me. As I will not be having anyone in my home overnight, and I doubt I would need it…but they ask this question.
The next of kin stuff, and the person to pick up. Perhaps I will just advise them that I do not know at this point but will have someone on the day?

There really are so many assumptions made about people and the realities of people having others about them. Family, and close friends.

The weirder thing is I would be there for someone in a heart beat if I was up to it. To do it for someone else.

I just want to drive myself up and back.

See how someone with a mental illness like CPTSD thinks and looks at things. The reality of living with this illness for me.

This is just the filling in of the paperwork..lol I feel a call to my social worker next week is the logical thing.

I am trying very hard to keep moving forward, no matter how small. It is a struggle. But I am my routine a bit loose.. and the emotional eating. But again I am aware, I know why and what and will work through it.

As bad as this sounds. I am not so fearful of the end result it is as so often the not knowing. Since I saw my GP it is a bit like until I know my life is on hold in some manner. It isn’t totally I am doing some things, and am working in a manner to get my routine back on track.

I am fortunate in so many ways, thankful for all I have about me.

blessings to You all, Tazzie

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Who I saw today.



The Australian Hobby Falco Longipennis is uncommon in Tasmania. The eat small birds and insects, though this one has a field mouse. As seen in the silhouette shots. The quality of the photographs is not great and I apologise. I was driving noticed it and tried to get the best vantage I could it flew off twice, and this was the my best opportunity. It certainly was having some trouble with the managing on the electrical wires, it was a little windy.

Australian Pelican Pelecanus conspicillatus, is an uncommon visitor to the Huon Valley. It is found around the Coastal areas of the North and East coast of Tasmania as well as inland rivers, estuaries, lagoons and lakes. I have only seen single Pelicans in 20 years of living in the Huon Valley on the Huon River. They do breed on some small islands off the northern coast of Tasmania. On the mainland they are found in large colonies, and are pretty common. I love these birds especially when they are fishing, and to see them fly and land is quite good as they look such an awkward shape in the air.

Great Cormorant , Is a common resident in the Huon River and is found all over Tasmania. They swim on the surface and will dive for food. They can often been seen on branches and logs, with their wings spread wide as if drying them in the sunshine.

The photo is the same cormorant a bit later in the afternoon on the same limb.

Black swan Cygnus aratus, is common found all over Tasmania. If you see a few together they are usually a family group. Singles are also seen and are most likely unmated. They are also found in large flocks.

Eurasian Coot, Fulica Atra.is a common visitor to Tasmania, it seems not to breed here, but is migratory and nomadic.

Pacific Black Ducks Anas superciliosa. Abundant in Tasmania and mainland Australia. These guys were chasing each other and I swear they were smiling…

These were all taken today on my trip to and from my GP. 100km /62miles approx round trip.

I was really thrilled to see the Australian Hobby and to see it swoop down after some food. Then see it swoop back up with a field mouse in its talons. Nature is not always beautiful.

Such a wonderful group of varied birds to see and attempt to get shots of.

Thankful to be able to see the birds again. Thankful to have such amazing bird life about me. I did not have to sit for ages to get any shots, they were all seen either from my car and I pulled over to get some shots. The Hobby, and Pelican were sheer luck.

Or I went to a location I hoped would give me some bird life. The dam where the water birds were photographed I knew there would be some bird life there. I find taking photographs takes some of my anxiety away when I have to do things I am not so keen on or find difficult.

This week so far and it is only Tuesday, my plans for staying home have not happened. So I am feeling quite exhausted and a bit resentful. As I really want to get some things done in the garden. I did plant some of my new plants out this morning.

I also was able to pick up cardboard to use to put down to kill the grass and weeds in the veggie garden. I also took other photographs as I drove to my GPs, which I will share at a later date.

The doctors surgery we had to sit social distancing and if I had not needed my script refilled I would not have gone. My GP is on leave and because the Gp was a locum she wanted to see me. I was feeling anxious about it. Taking the photos and enjoying the scenery helped a lot. The traffic is getting heavier as restrictions are changing.

I hope to be able to be at home for the next few days, or week without having to go out again. My home is most certainly the place I enjoy being the most and I am so thankful to have it.

be safe, be kind

blessings to You Tazzie

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