Failure

It has been ten months since I posted. So much was happening, and yet at the same time the consequences of some of my choices/actions impaired me and triggered me.

The experience of having a company come in and de-hoard my home was in hindsight wasnot good and
in the long run has actually been a nightmare for me.

I returned home and yes it was cleared in some areas, BUT the contract was not actually adhered too, and that is a thing I am still examining. Or not.. A chapter for another day. My home was no longer my home, and one room was filled with boxes and boxes of my stuff that I was expected to be able to deal with. Laugh turns into hysterical laughter. Yeah right the whole idea was for them to get rid of everything and not pack it up for me to deal with. On my return home I went looking for my toaster and kettle..packed into boxes, toast crumb still in the toaster and stuff on the outside. In the process of looking I uncovered packed open food, dirty pots, sharp knives just left any how in the boxes with other stuff, fragile things with heavy things on top. Dirty clean no matter shove it a box put all the boxes into a room that had had mice nesting in a mattress (thankfully at least that had been tossed.
I blame myself, and that of course took a toll on me….then Instead of that I looked at the contract and realised the company had not abided by it. When I really looked at my home I still saw mice droppings, and dirty light fittings, fly dirt, and just the house was not clean. I also had a room full of boxes…partially gone through now as I have to find all the food and throw out the opened cereal, flour, butter, sugar. along with dirty dishes.

I went backwards in my wellness, and I once again and surrounded by stuff. (not anywhere near as much I am very happy to say and very relieved BUT I Have also worked incredibly HARD ON Ensuring that it is NOT) I am also very slowly deaing with the room of boxes, and in all honesty I just wish they had thrown it all away, as now depending on where I am when I go into the room (which I avoid generally) if I find something I struggle so often to just say ;its been in here for 10months and you have either replaced it or not needed it…SURELY IT CAN GO! 65%of the time, I manage to toss it out.

So failure not on my part…and that is the positive that I hold too. (I’m struggling to get rid of the packing boxes as they cost me $6 or more a box, (the company charged me that much). So one of my pre hoarding issues was bloody cardboard boxes!!! I’ m laughing at the situation I truly am.

Since then I have been working at clearing about my property and have done some work that I am really proud of and gave a way a lot of wonderful artisan native wood to some artisans(my partner was a wood turner and under the house was a treasure chest of stunning native timbers, myrtle, blackwood and the treasure of Tasmania Huon Pine. Even some King billy pine. It was just sitting there stressing me out I had no idea of its value so much happier to give it to some people who would create wonderful things out of it.

I look at my house and sadly it is not bringing me a lot of joy, however I am not allowing myself to be weighed down by this. Yet it has taken a long time and work to accept.

The beginning of 2023 saw me begin the process of discovery. I decided to follow up on my psychologists diagnosis that I had ADHD. Unfortunately the waiting time for an assessment by a psychiatrist was between 5-9months here in Tasmania, and I had my assessment last week. Waiting for the assessment I fixated on what if I do not have ADHD??? I can not explain the relief I felt at age 60 female to receive the diagnosis that I do INDEED have ADHD! I can accept so much better and comprehend that so much of my life in my early years were not my fault..my brain is wired differently. I am now learning about how ADHD impacts human relationships and why I struggle to connect. ALong with my sensitivity and for me the biggest relief is that my messiness is infact part of my brain working or not.

Even prior to the diagnosis, I have been feeling mentally the best I have in so many ways, and now this new knowledge unlocks so much more for me to discover about my brain.
Tomorrow I begin a slow release medication for ADHD, I have no idea if or what it might do for me or not do for me.. I am just happy to have a possible aid in somehow altering my brain so I can focus, and complete some things, that perhaps are not the normal things I can actually find myself focusing on for hours and hours and not dealing with mundane daily things…ie I just remembered I have washing in the washing machine from yesterday and it is now nearly 8pm it will stay until the morning. I have been beginning to use my mobile to set reminders for the things such as this to do each day. Its hit or miss but I at least am aware/reminded of what I want to achieve each day. I am okay with it being moved tomorrow for now.

I have been looking at my bottle of pills and attempting Not to get my hopes up.. I know that I may feel more anxious to begin..my heart is beating fast as I write and all I want is such a small thing a home I can feel comfortable to invite a friend into and that they will come and be comfortable to sit and have a cuppa and some food.

blessings to You, Tazzie