I was very flat when I woke up this morning. I had a appointment with my psychologist via internet and I was supposed to have asked my GP to attend to some paper work for her. I had not. I was so anxious about this yesterday, I ate a full packet of Tim Tams yesterday, and I did not sleep well. I even almost messaged her to say I was not well.
It was good that I did not, and during the sharing of what was happening and why, it became clear, that I was reverting to my childhood and I the adult had given the reins to me the child. It was so good to realise this, and of course my psychologist was fine with the fact I had not seen my GP.
It was so strange to feel I could breathe again. Here was my CPTSD in action trigger, and response. I had totally dissociated. I do not really recall buying the biscuits and eating them.
It was really great to see my progress in being able to identify what had occurred.
I was still feeling somewhat flat after our appointment, and I had shared with my psychologist that I was trying to get back to painting. That there is a wonderful chap called Charlie O’Shields, on his site https://doodlewash.com and he is an artist, and his work and correspondence we have been having has been inspiring me, and motivating me to begin to think about picking up a brush. I had said to my psychologist that i had been sketching a puppy to paint for today’s theme before our appointment and I was involved with it and a tad annoyed that I had to stop.
I was uncertain about continuing and my anxiety began to build, it won’t be any good, you can’t drawer or paint, you are hopeless, you won’t finish it, you won’t put it on the site.
My body began to work against me I began to feel nauseous, and my heart was racing, as I did want to give it a try TODAY! My mind and body seemed to have other ideas.
So instead of letting my anxiety keep mounting and just overwhelming me I went and watered the vegetable garden. I played with the dogs. I laughed at their antics. I fed them, I cooked myself a good healthy meal for dinner. I ate it.
I then sat down and was determined to paint and to post it on Doodlewash community.
The theme for today was a puppy. I used an image as my subject matter. I am overly critical as I did not finish it YET I am actually really chuffed that I did it, you can sort of make out things, and perhaps if I had used a liner to go around the paw and mouth area more so and filled the back of the mouth in black instead of leaving it white, it would be clearer. I didn’t. If I had kept going I would have over thought it. My anxiety was growing again, and I just wanted to get something up. I feel quite ill at ease, sharing this as it is such a personal thing for me. Unlike my photography.
I am proud that I have picked up a paint brush and achieved a sketch of a puppy in watercolours. I keep wanting to add more explanations etc but I am stopping here.
Thank You Charlie O’Shield. https://doodlewash.com/on-the-edge-of-a-dream/ Here is the post Charlie did for the prompt puppy.
Blessings to you all