Tag: #neurodivergent

Steady she goes..

Day 5 ADHD medication older adult

My body and brain seem to be settling into some sort of new normal on my medication. How is it. I am pleasantly happy with what appears to be altering. As mentioned in my last post I paid (well attempted ) to pay some invoices. I am on a disability pension due too my mental illness I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD). I was finally assessed after having a breakdown about 7 years ago (interestingly I was menopausal and I believe many symptoms could also have been tied into undiagnosed ADHD, At the time I was very depressed and suicidal (NOT normal symptoms of ADHD!
I was put on antidepressant medication and I am so thankful that I was, and even though it took trying several types, yes enduring the whole wait and see, or get me off this medication NOW process of each new medication. I was so unwell I kept trying and again I am so glad I did. It was for me a life saver. Along with my GP and my wonderful psychologist and me, the medications enabled me to move through my depression, (took 5 years so please NOT an INSTANT fix. Eventually I began to feel that the antidepressant was inhibiting me from moving forward and my emotions whilst improved were still somewhat dulled for me. The choice to come off for me, was great and life moved forward.

I began to have some notable changes happening in my life after coming off the antidepressant and learning to feel all emotions and live with all emotions. Learning to identify and observe what happened prior too when I had an angry or sad out burst.
See if I could begin to tie in the emotions feeling to the situation and then over the course of years begin to learn and understand that whilst my behaviours and responses may not be seen as appropriate, they were the only management tools I had.

I also began to understand all the large blank periods in my life. I have massive memory black holes and dissociate (can still happen if overwhelmed) but happens so much less now. What I learned was that these black holes and when I dissociate are my childhood brains way to deal with things too awful/hard/painful/distressing/overwhelming and this is what saved me from all sorts of fates. It is perhaps what saved me and my brain to be able to function and get some good grades and evenutally a wonderful qualified work position.
All the what if’s I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my early childhood the signs were certainly present form an early age in hindsight. I believe the abuse and beatings I got were mostly due to the behaviour of having a neurodivergent brain in a family with divergent brains.
Of course there are always the what ifs.

For me at my age it has no bearing on my life today. I know though I am a very fortunate female of the 60s who was educated well. Who was never unemployed and went to Uni and financially am very fortunate.
My family were not well off in my early years, but education was always the priority and being able to fit into any group of people. (I’m not sure but life is so much less formal than when I was a child. which was not helpful to a girl with undiagnosed ADHD). My childhood and disregard for social status and hierarchy, patriarchy, gender roles and other social norms that thankfully are less accepted by our society today.

I have never been a neat, tidy person or my home but generally when it all got to much I used to be able to just get into a zone and sort, clean and make it all look wonderful Even if it took 4 days, the food tins sorted into same, then alphabetised, labels all facing out, CDs and books all alphabetised and clothes colour blocking. I would look about and feel so good. I also recall inviting people over for a meal so I would tend to things before they became worse in my 20’s and 30s’.

I have always had a impulsive nature. Getting myself into some serious debt and dealing with the consequences was a help in a lot of ways with learning not to be so impulsive with my spending. Well at least to only be impulsive once rent, bills and some savings are put away.
I also met someone in my late 30’s who was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years when he was diagnosed with cancer and cared for by me at home until he died in our home with his daughters present and the animals. (13 years ago now). He was like my control…not in that he controlled me or my money or anything like that. Like he loved me unconditionally, he encouraged and helped, about he house, he was also not tidy but not messy and so I guess I followed his lead. We washed up once a day, and things were put away. Washing was done regularly hung out and put away. Personal care regular and routine. Diet I loved cooking for him and family and visitors.

Why am I mentioning all this stuff? When my psychologist began to talk to me about their belief (assessment) that I had ADHD, and that my depression: at the time I was so ill was not necessarily anything to do with ADHD but a part of living with undiagnosed ADHD along with grief and having CPTSD she and my GP were working with me to get me through the critical stage of my mental illness you know helping to save my life. That ADHD was left on the back burner.
It was only perhaps 18months ago (and yes I have issues with how long ago things were), that ADHD was bought up, and interestingly enough I had been watching a Youtuber: How to ADHD.
https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

I was finding so many things that rang bells for me in so many of her videos. So when my Psychologist bought it up again and I was well enough to be receptive, it was not such a WHAT moment but a yep moment. Nothing happened immediately as be it with my anxiety, my disorganisation, finances, fears, impossibility of getting a Psychiatrist appointment within 9months, it took me time to finally to be assessed. Even when I made an appointment (and was going to pay $600) it was not that simple, first the Psychiatrist was ill with COVID, then I was on the mainland (I live on the island State of Australia Tasmania) and could not find somewhere to have a zoom meeting, as I was driving back to catch the ferry home on the day my first rescheduled appointment was on. Thankfully the the Psychiatrist rescheduled for the week after I returned home.



Of course I was anxious about the assessment I mean what if I do NOT have ADHD?? Shit what would that mean?
So of course once assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, the relief overwhelmed me, and the joy yep seriously I felt joy and happiness, that there was a reason why all my life…everything was as it was! I am so glad I did it, and right now even happier that I am on medication sure its not been a week yet and some days its been weird, it seems to doing something.

Today I know that the medication is doing something to my brain that is so magical. Not only did I attempt to pay some invoices on Friday and they were rejected because I had not advised the NDIS of my bank account details for the money to be transferred from being managed by a business to me managing my own payments, which meant of course the invoices were rejected BUT did I emotionally break, did I just go fuck it…put it in the too hard basket or just go dissociate? No I placed a note in my diary on my phone with an reminder to contact the person I needed to.

So this morning after doing the daily morning things I have in my diary, I rang the person, asked what I needed to do..give my bank account details..me worrying about having NDIS money go in with my own money said I would need to speak to my bank about fees and costs if I opened another account with them. OK person I am talking to says all I need to do is send them an email with the information she requested and that would be it and it all should be done in a couple of days.
Me gets off that call, and immediately calls my banks and is informed that I can have an account with no card access (yeah) with no fees or costs. I just have to go in and sign for it.
I get off the phone and go into town and open this new account. I have a tumeric latte(trying to not have coffee is not as hard as I thought), went and got some items I wanted at the local supermarket (to make granola bars) and returned home, and immediately sent the email with the information.

PHEW!!

I will put up with feeling tired very weary every evening for this! 4 months of overdue invoices so close to being paid. So many people who have non neurodivergent brains will if they read this far(lol), would be like seriously what a lot of malarkey, it is so simple to do this no big deal no need to write a blog about it nor to feel JOY and HAPPINESS because you almost can pay some invoices seriously Tazzie!
Not even going to respond to them, as the important people now, that there is real joy and happiness in such a seemingly small thing for a neurodivergent brain. I am smiling as I type. As it is truly a beautiful thing.

I add to this joyful post, that I even with little thought sat and began to do some tidying(can someone please explain to me why more mess is made when you tidy? I also instead of just moving things to piles of like with like, actually used some of the boxes(hoard waiting to go outside), to put these things in for example the flower bulbs that have been laying about the area I sit, thankfully not trodden on, are all now in a box which when it is a bit less rainy will be planted.

Same for all the knitting and crochet projects, working on one in its own box, twisted and somehow all caught together balls in another to be separated and sorted then to be put with its own pattern. All the pens, pencils and other art items that were littering the area, are now in a box. Where they can be on a shelf and at some time perhaps sorted. No pressure.


I also stacked the wood I had just dropped at the fire side, into a pile and put the kindling and papers in boxes to the side. Giving space to walk without risk of stubbing a toe. Bliss. Again, small small things, in my world big time stuff.
I did not have this on my plan to day, (well the kitchen was but that is a room with a lot of history for me to deal with in my CPTSD brain area).

Actually I am OK with what I achieved in the kitchen today. I was given a wonderful gift of freshly caught tuna! Red tuna, I was so touched by the generosity as the person who gave it too me had been gifted some and gave me some of his Gift! So I seared this beautiful Tuna on both sides and had it with some vegies (I had vegie and no salad) and man was that a delicious meal. No the washing up has not been undertaken, sorry.

My medication IS working. I am still uncertain if other areas of my me brain are impacted. I had a crazy dream last night but that was most likely the vast number of crackers and Japanese sweets(highly processed and high sugar) I ate last night before going to bed. Even so I slept heavily and long again.

If anyone is reading this who also has/is on slow release ADHD medication and began at 10mg can you let me know how moving to the next level helped or impacted you, I would appreciate it.

So again I am so thankful for the change that has enabled me to be able to focus on one task over three days, and complete it as far as I can!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

2

Do Over.

day 4 ADHD medication.

Hmmm slept so heavily last night, 13 hours, but woke and felt good. My brain was not running at warp speed when I rose and headed down stairs. I made my coffee, and some crumpets with peanut butter and honey on them. The dogs were fed and exercised. Then I knew I had to basically do over yesterday. y.

Loaded up my guys, getting them in their harnesses. (this always means some wonderful adventure when we go out in the car). So they were both bouncing happily. I drove and planed what to do. I had to pick up the bag I had left at the cafe yesterday and well I parked the car, crossed the street and my intent was to just pick up the bag. Then impulsively I ordered a mug of coffee and a wee jelly cake. I enjoyed the cake and should have left some of the coffee. I enjoyed about half of it. I did not leave any. When I left I had to go and get some items across the road. Only to find that the shop was not open on this Saturday morning. Ah well. Then I felt my heart racing a bit. Was I annoyed?

I returned to the car, and drove to the local animal/rural supply store. Got my dogs out, and walked them up the road (they are allowed in the store). A wee and sniff, then I heard someone call my name and how lovely some friends were there getting some timber fence poles and a gate. We chatted had a laugh the dogs got cuddles, we said bye and into the store we headed. I had to pick up the meat for them that I was too early for yesterday(the whole reason I had come to the larger town further from my home).


I love that I can take the dogs inside, they love it. As all the bags of dog and cat food are laying on pallets, and the smell of chook food, and rabbit food, and all the other dogs that visit is exciting and tires them out. They get weighed when we visit, to keep an eye on them both as they get older. I purchased my meat, and the dogs got their treats, Another reason why they love visiting. Then we headed back in the direction we had come from.

Instead of going home, I impulsively went to the smaller town closer to home. Unloaded the dogs and walked up the main street. I have no idea why I decided to do this, I needed nothing and I did not buy anything. We just walked up the main street. We did run into our neighbours who are working on a building they have purchased for a business in town. A short walk and chat with them and then back in the car and home.

I have to say it was good to get home. I stacked some wood. Leaving only about 4.75 tons to complete, filled the wood box and came inside. I was pleased I completed that task and getting the stuff from town. I then sat down to attend to some bills that I get funded for and have taken over the self management of. Rather than someone else being paid to do it. I have not been able to get into it, but this afternoon I just sat at my computer and read the information that I had been oblivious had been sent to me. Logged into the area I needed to be and began to pay some outstanding invoices. It was actually for me today simple. Not so good when the invoices were rejected.

Turns out you have to have the money in an account to do it this way, and well I have not had the money transferred to me, at this point in time. So I have popped that I need to contact the office on Monday to have this organised. I just probably also need to chat to my bank to see how much it will cost if I have another bank account. I am not overwhelmed, or anxious, frustrated or feeling anyway negative. I am proud that I worked it out did it and have planned the next step in ensuring I can pay my invoices. That I feel is the medication at work. I was able to focus totally; on something I have been procrastinating and anxious about for over 5months. Sure its not finished, but that is now on the plan and I will be alerted on Monday to remind me to contact the office.

I may not have planted the broad beans, or began the kitchen. I did cook myself from scratch a really healthy delicious meal for my dinner, even going out to pick some herbs and make the mushroom sauce from scratch for over the chicken. I have some left over for pasta later in the week, and the vegies that are left over will be lovely added to some mince for a savoury mince dish. Wow. I am pretty sure that is the work of the medication. I have not cooked anything involving herbs from my garden and making a sauce from scratch(even though it was pretty simple) for way too long. I like the feeling.

So I have not created a huge list each day, I have been achieving at least one or two things of my list on top of the regulars, like dogs exercise(which I am aiming to be me walking with them instead of me driving and they run). Along with preparing the soaked portion of their food the night before. Tick tick, garbage bin is a weekly occurrence in and out. Along with bed at such and such a time is the aim. Read for a while and light out. That is my basic daily /weekly list. I have transferred the kitchen and broad beans to tomorrow. Actually I have reminded myself I want to soak the beans over night and then sow them. a task for tonight.
So far the structure is sort of working. I am realising that why I perhaps stayed as a RN for so many years was that there is a structure to your shift. No matter where I worked, be it in community, in mental health, rehab, ICU emergency, there was a process to every thing we have to attend to in caring for the people we do.

I have worked in offices, and well I managed but my desk was messy and disorganised to the others eyes, and generally I could find what was required. I was never terminated from an office job, or a sales position. I was even promoted, but I never wanted or aimed to be a managerial level even in nursing. I was in charge of aged care facilities on night shifts when I worked, but it was not quite the same as being in charge during a day shift, as no other interactions ie with doctors physios, admin, family, and rarely phone calls to deal with. I feel for most of my working career when I began to feel as if I could not manage I would find a new job and then resign. I once tried to be the President of a community organisation, and well my brain was not designed for that I felt as if I was pushed under the bus, and way out of my depth, as if there is a whole secret way and code of how to do that sort of thing, and I was not in the group who knew! not an odd feeling for me throughout my life I have to say.

Oops I have sort of gone off on a tangent there, but being able to do the task online, and fill the required documents in and complete them along with send them. Even though they were rejected was a Massive achievement for me today and well it does all kind of tie in.
In just how not knowing I had ADHD for ALL my working life and all my life and somehow managed. But to know why I struggled and why I knew I could NOT ever really be a manager or Nurse in Charge full time, not because I was hopeless but because my brain is not wired that way is great news. I am not sure how my life in my work situation may have been different is I was diagnosed and that is where I see absolutely NO purpose in even pondering it.

When I was attempting to undertake this paying the invoices before just the trying was exhausting and cause me so much anxiety and frustration at my incompetence in not being able to take the information in, or find what I needed too. Weirdly all the information was at my fingertips, and in my emails. My brain is an amazing thing. If this is how the medication may help me I am quietly hopeful, still frightened that something may be lost that made me me, and I like the me before I began this medication. It has been a positive day and I am thankful.

blessings to You Tazzie.

Please not all the information is shared here, is my personal experience/opinion/feelings. Please do not share any information/content without my consent thank You.

2

ADHD medication Day1 Bugger!

Waking this morning to a warm autumn morning sunshine with grey clouds intermittently. 19dC forcast maximum. I rise as normal, see the cube shaped white medication bottle sitting on the shelf. As fearful as I am about taking medication that will impact my brain, with hope yet also the opposite. I unscrew the child proof cap, remove the safety foil and see the small slow release capsules inside. What do these wee capsules hold for me. I take one as per directed and now I wait. Well no not really I go downstairs, make a coffee and breakfast, take the dogs out and for a run. Chat to my neighbours, noting I am speaking quite rapidly, (two hours into the day) and uncertain if this is normal for me.

I phone a family member, and they impart I seem to be manic in my conversation.
I had a small feeling of my hand I was writing some notes with early in the morning getting a wee tingling numb..just for a few moments.
I called in to a friends up the road, I drove up, my head is feeling heavy. I note again my conversation is full on…but I am not hogging the conversation.
It is about midday when I return home and reversing my car into my drive I knocked over a timber post and reversed into the woodpile. Totally not paying any attention to anything. Yes I definitely should NOT be driving and will not be for the next day or two. Very happy to have not damaged my car or anyone else/s property.

I have not achieved anything really today to demonstrate any rapid change in focus. Though I have hung the washing that was in my machine for two days out, and bought majority of it in as it dries. It is now 15:00 my overwhelming feeling right now is weariness and a heavy head. just wanting to close my eyes and sleep. I had planned to deal with some financial issues I need to as I now manage my funds myself on my pension. This is not potentially happening, and right now I wonder to I just lay down and go with the weariness or try to move through it. Interestingly I am finding that my words are coming relatively easily but I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I was expecting nothing really and just paying attention to what feelings/sensations ect occured. I have eaten twice today, so far not massive and both times sandwiches banana and peanut butter, then ham tomato lettuce and mayo..though i followed that with too many savoury biscuits dipped in a chocolate cream sauce I made. (WTF)! It was very tasty and I enjoyed it. Im struggling to think what I have drunk so far, and know I Have had two large cups of coffee white, (normal) and one large cup of tea with sugar. At least one cup of water but now I need to get up and have more water. Consequence of the savoury chocolate biscuits or lack of water or indeed the medication? Sigh too many possibilities.

So the end of the day well actually logically the next morning as I have to document it all down up to the going to bed. which I did at the time I have in my alerts. Over the years since I stopped working and began to understand my CPTSD and health physical and mental needs I realised the best time for me to be able to function at a level where my dogs, chooks and most of the time personal needs were met. Bugger the house and my go to place the garden was hit or miss so often.

Not to have damaged my newly bought (old second hand) vehicle was such a positive and fixing the damage well is relatively simple. (as the rain we have been having has made the soil very wet; which in turn is the very real reason why my treasured vehicle was not damaged. Phew.

blessing to You, Tazzie




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