My mind has been full and time out is always a necessity. I even postponed a meeting with my psychologist last week until today. I am so happy that I feel OK taking time for myself, and just being in my own head space for a little while without even my wonderful psychologist visiting it.
I write openly and just tell it like it is and want anyone reading this to know the truth and facts of what my personal experience is living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The many triggers, impacts and behaviours making up my life I also want to share the forward movement I am making towards managing living my life as a person with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).
I had my appointment with my psychologist today. In the time she asked me to choose a verb to describe what I wanted my house to be. I could not do that. I was stumped.
I had been discussing how I had been working in the garden and creating/changing things about. I had discussed how after my partner had died a while afterwards I had the covered deck built on the house to make it more my house. (My partner had built this very unique home we lived in and it is always his house in my mind. Even though I own it now, and he has been dead for almost 10 years. I struggle with the inside of the house.
I feel fine in the garden as that has always been an area that it was easy for me to create and grow things. The deck also I feel comfortable to have it any way and how I like it. It is my space.
The inside of the house is a totally different thing.
This discussion between my Psychologist and me today and my inability to find a verb to describe how I wanted my house to be, took me to a place it has not been able to go to in our sessions very deeply before.
The more I work with my psychologist and become aware of the whys and triggers, the more I find myself opening up and finding things I have blocked ,hidden deep in my brain.
I have been moving forward. Constantly moving forward and yet I had begun to feel in the last few weeks I was stopping. I was not feeling that greatly for the last week. I cancelled my appointment with my psychologist last week, an avoidance tactic. My anxiety and fears overwhelming me by numbing me and making me feel I had, had enough of sharing my brains insides. I feel I knew that this was almost hallowed turf we were about to dig into.
The reason was My partner. I was thinking such a lot about things and missing him as anyone who has had someone they love die .Even after 10 years you miss them. That persons shaped hole will always be there, you just do not grieve with the intensity you have over the years. I do occasionally cry, and I certainly still miss him, the ever day touches his laugh, his smile, smell, presence. Ah but he is dead. I am not.
I instigated the conversation mentioning some things about my partner, Over the two years I have been seeing my psychologist, I have talked about him usually at a fairly superficial level. I dissociated on one occasion when It became to much for me. This was totally not expected by me or my psychologist at the time, but I am very grateful that it happened in her office in a safe pace.
My partner taught me what unconditional love is. He taught me what joy and contentment felt like. He made me realise that I had expected the previous partners/boyfriends I had been with and him to be able to read my mind. I was able to share with him and tell him what I would like for my birthday, Christmas, what ever, as he really did not have any idea. Not his fault he was wired differently to me. This was not new information I was sharing with my psychologist.
Back to the post..in the course of talking with my psychologist today I was asked why I did not feel the same way inside the house as I do in the garden or on the deck. I was able to see and share that it is because they are places I created. The next part was so could I describe why I could not change or finish anything inside the house. I went to say a word, and stopped. My psychologist looked at me, so I said to her, I was going to say I did not want to desecrate his house! I whispered that. I stopped and my psychologist looked at me with great compassion, as I began to talk more, and emotions raw emotions came to the fore.
After this session, I felt some more weight lift off my shoulders, and the beauty of the session was not just this revelation from deep within me. Was also the knowledge that in sharing what had been happening in my eyes such tiny things, me organising a neighbours kid(he is trying to save money and is only 13 ) to move some wood from under the house into my partners workshop, and the thought that if I put a door into that room from the deck I would have a place to put all my garden and items I keep currently on my deck. Oh and that I had been cleaning out the room that the rat had got into. Tossing stuff (everything has to go) out the window..and putting it in the bin for garbage truck to take away. All these small things were actually monumental and I was not stopping, I had not even paused. I was doing things in regard to the house, and now the discovery of my anxiety over desecrating my partners house to make it a place for me to be happy and alive inside the house as I am in the garden and to make it feel like my home as I want it.
I also shared how hard it was for me when I first moved into this house/home and it was a home when my partner was alive here with me. I had a fully furnished flat, and he had a fully furnished house. I was moving in , so my things, furniture, bed, lights, bookcases, side board had no place to come here. I loved my furniture. I had moved it so many times and it had moved to Tasmania with me and created my homes here. So when I first moved in it was my cat, clothes and some personal items, eventually my Cd Player and CDs, a few books, my dinning table (which has always been outside under cover, two bedside drawers and my table I used to use for painting moved down, all the rest went very cheaply to a second hand dealer, before the days of ebay and community pages.
In sharing this with my psychologist, I shared I was angry and frustrated by how little understanding my partner had, over my loss of identity and security. We ended up having a fight about it, and it helped. A bit.
Oh shit did I just tell my psychologist I was angered and felt frustration about this. I had never voiced any anger or feelings of frustration in regard to my partner in any sessions. Did this make my being loved unconditionally a lie? Nope it was my inner child just making the best out of a situation that I (adult me) could not control. It made me normal.
I wanted to paint our bedroom, he was not keen on the colour. I did paint some windows frames in the kitchen to lift it (in my eyes) I chose a colour he loved. He was not super delighted. Nor did her really like the colour I chose to paint our upstairs loo. Whilst he was alive that is really all I had been able to paint and I found some fantastic curtains at the tips shop plain cream, really well insulated for heat and cold enough for our whole house. ($20) He grew to appreciate them.
I realise now that even though we had a wonderful relationship and I was very happy, loved unconditionally and content. I felt a home was created for us both, even though over the 11 years of us being together the colours were consistent in the rooms. They favoured his preferences. It was his house but it was our home.
I never felt it was not a home for us, I love him, his house was where we lived together, and we created a home together.
He had created this his ideal home and it was just as he loved it. He had built the whole house he had designed it, it was his. I understood this, not overly fond of it, I chose to live with knowing this and accepted it. Rarely was it an issue. Though I discovered today that I did feel angry and upset by this. WOAH…I voiced those words about the man I loved unconditionally and he me. What did that make me… well normal that is all.
WOAh that weight, I had no idea that I had for almost 20years been holding onto this.
No wonder I have not been able to move forward in regard to the house. I have over the last 10 years began to paint a wall, a cupboard, I just stopped. I felt so overwhelmed. I see why now.
When I add to that the feelings I have in regard to my hoarding and how the inside of the house looks, it seems ludicrous that I have desecrated the inside of the house in such a very different manner, yet I have not with hoarding actually changed any of the structure of the house, the colours of the walls, the small bathtub. Big breath needed here.
I had some control still, the hoarding is the way I changed the inside of the house. It also means no one is let inside and it keeps everything out. Another deep breath.
Shit our brains are incredible thins aren’t they.
Deep breath. So I have changed my place to begin, I am not sharing where, when or anything right now. I know myself too well. I know that it takes me some time to digest review and move through these AH HAA moments. The Light bulb is glaringly on no dimmer available. My mind works in mysterious ways, and my need to have control( a trait of my CPTSD), means I need to stop and switch off for a little while in regard to what has happened for me today. Just about the inside of the house and de hoarding.
I continue to move forward, seemingly huge strides today, yet I know for me they are really small steps micro steps required to go the distance. My head is clear, I have a lightness right now. Documenting this experience is a way for me to see in black and white how my progress is going. If it assists anyone in anyway, that is an unexpected blessing.
I am so thankful for today. I am so thankful to have access to a psychologist who is helping me so much. I am thankful that she has done everything to be able to keep me as a client and bulk billing me. I am thankful to those who read my posts, those who encourage and comment, those who like my posts.
blessings to You. Tazzie
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