Simple pleasures.

Miss Treacle pushing in on Busby to get closer to me.

I adore these two as I have all the dogs I have had come into my life. Miss Treacle is the most soulful and sweet girl she has too be touching me.

Last night on the lounge she was doing something else and Busby had climbed up and was laying with his head on my lap. I was patting him, when Miss Treacle climbs up and walks over him, pushing her 8kg/17.6lbs body in between his 41kg/90.38lbs body and the lounge. Forcing him to move, she then lays herself over his nose so I can not pat him so easily. I had to chuckle to myself at her devotion. I do feel for Busby, but he is a very easy going boy.

Dogs are great company. For me they have been integral in dealing with my breakdown, the times I was so unwell and life was just too hard in my ill state of mental health. Now they are integral in helping me and my improving mental health. Though let me say their tactics are pretty strong pawed ones.

Miss Treacle was not impressed, and actually pushed my hand off the key board and would not let me keep writing. She was not so subtle letting me know it was time for a walk and to get off the computer!

It worked, I realised if I did not get up now with less wind and no rain the opportunity might not come again today. So we set off. and the sun came out and it showed all the trees up in such a pretty light. The colours of Autumn are much more noticeable today.

We only saw one of our neighbours at a distance this morning and we just waved at each other. the dogs and I kept walking, I use the time for training Busby to come.

He tends to loose all ability to hear me if he sees any wild animals and will take off chasing them. I guess being a Staffie/boxer/ridgeback cross is to blame for his instinct in chasing. He is improving at coming when I call him, I only have myself to blame. He came into my life when I was unwell as a foster puppy with two siblings.

The wind was picking up on the home ward journey. as can be seen in the poplars in the middle row below. I also love the very old quince tree with the Hills Hoist rotary clothes hoist in front of it. Many hours of childhood were spent spinning around on one similar.

Miss Treacle her tail blowing in the wind

This mornings walk up the road, probably looks pretty much like the last photographs I posted. We took a chance in between wind and rain, to go out, and I timed it really well. Autumn has finally arrived here and Mother Earth is changing the trees colours well at least the deciduous ones. The problem lies with the wind, the leaves are being blown off so quickly.

Photos above Miss Treacle smiling at me saying see a walk makes us all feel better, and the clean air and being in nature the smells all wonderful. I had to agree and said to her yes it was wonderful that you made me get up and go for a walk. Second photo she is sleeping and snoring. Little angel that she is. Yes she does sleep with her eyes open.

Later in the day we walked about the garden. It was another interluded of sunshine between showers and wind. In the grass I often see these holes dug out, now if you do not know many people would assume that they are dug by rabbits. We do get rabbits here. These holes are not dug by them, rabbits when they dig usually leave little piles of manure, and a very different shaped hole. This one has a pointy shape and is quite different it is dug by a bandicoot, who as you can see have a pointed nose. This is an Eastern Barred Bandicoot we also have Southern Brown Bandicoots

Bandicoots – Bush Heritage Australia
bushheritage.org.au

The photos below show the vegetable garden and rhubarb which is in a bed in the front of my house.

The fig is giving me small tasty figs. I am not sure what I need to do to increase their size next season. It is growing in a half wine barrel.

The beans took a huge hit in the wind last photo.

Broad beans, coriander, kale, and other brassicas are doing well. I have small lettuce seedlings, rocket, red veined sorrell, silverbeet all coming up. The broccoli that you pick again small style is doing well, delicious and sweet I pick it and eat it raw.

My neighbours glass house is looking wonderful and I have said I am jealous. In a very nice way.
The colour of the blueberry bushes is such a strong red. I also have some garlic shoots already protruding. Along with the broad beans which are flowering already so very strange.

The wind has devastated the beans, and now I just wait for them to dry.

We returned inside, and relaxed for a while.

I found it hard to sit still today and at about 1700 I said to the dogs, lets go for another walk up the hill. You can probably imagine their responses.

They were both uber excited, and off we went, the sun was getting lower in the sky and I was a tad concerned about the critters that might be coming out, but we headed off.
I had no expectation of seeing anyone. So we were all very happy to see our neighbour at the top of the hill and his dog Toby. Off went Busby to play with Toby.

Miss Treacle actually squeaked in such joy at seeing our neighbour, she loves him so much. He picked her up and she was in heaven.

He and I talked and he had made 6 litres of pasata from his home grown tomatoes and dried several kilos as well. WOW!how wonderful.
The sky was darkening a bit as clouds came over and we headed home, two very satiated dogs.

We were almost home and Busby saw his other friends Chubb and Toby from across the road, and I said yes he could go and say hello.

Off they both went and I chatted with their owner. They played we chatted standing far apart.

As we were talking another neighbour and her little one came by with their bikes, so we all said hi and chatted. The little one no longer has training wheels on her bike, and so we watched her ride all the way down the hill and use her brakes well, several times. Complimenting her on her achievements and brake skills.

It was growing darker and colder, the tip of my nose was chilled. It was really feeling like winter.

I was very very happy to come home ,to my warm home made white loaf of bread. A big cup of tea and fresh crusty warm bread with butter and vegemite.(Please Note see how little vegemite I spread on my bread..some like a bit more but never spread it thick)
The best end to a really wonderful day all the while staying at home or very close bye, being safe and keeping social distancing, and exercising.

I am thankful for the beauty that I am surrounded by. I am thankful for the food I have and the ability to make my own meals from scratch. I am thankful for good neighbours, I am thankful for feeling unafraid in these times, I am thankful for being so fortunate. I am thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for my physical health. I am thankful for you. May you all stay safe.

Blessings Tazzie

April 26, 2020 11

Lost in Isolation

How beautiful it is sitting listening to the rain falling on my tin roof, the wind blowing the trees and a fire burning in my wood heater.
There is snow on Kunanyi (Mt Wellington),

from the Summit camera on Kunani (Mount Wellington)

It feels like a winters day here today, 13dC/55.4dF. My CPSTD has been a bit all over the place as I had someone I do not want to have contact with be in touch. I have not responded to the message left. As this is how it is best for me to be well. Since breaking all ties with my family I have found a contentment I have not had since my partner died. He always loved me unconditionally and believed in me.
He saw how my family treated me. He supported me and was there unquestioning and lovingly when I interacted with them, trying to have a relationship with them. He was there to hug and reassure me when it all went to hell, eventually.

This out of the blue message not responded too, still has dropped my mood and seen me comfort eat uncontrollably. Naming that here helps me to acknowledge what I have been doing and lets me name and describe the emotions. I am angry that my needs have been disregarded as was discussed back in January. I am resentful that this intrusion still impacts me, and takes me to a place of disassociation. This is something I realised today, as I shoveled biscuits into my mouth. I have literally switched off and gone into a void. Aware of what I should be doing but not able to face it. This is part of the reason I like blogging, it helps me see in black and white and somehow my brain connects the OH moments and I usually can move forward again.

This happened five days ago, and now I can see how I really have just gone to my ‘reactive management of disassociation’ . Clarity is good to have now. I am engaging my brain and moving forward again, and not backwards. It would be simple to remain in the vague realm of lost time just slowly sinking down. I am not doing that, I will not do that. I am moving forward.

It is hard to stop the reactions that have been a lifetime response to stressors. Though I am delighted that I have insight (eventually ) into what has occurred. My child has been protecting me in the only way she knows and that it to comfort herself with food, and switch off. I am thankful she is there and takes over when I retreat. I love her for that, I need to work on letting her go and me to take over at these times. I am still very much a work in progress.

Insight is a such a valuable thing. It is also frustrating when you have it but you are unwell. I can not control as much as I would like my family/inlaw family messaging. I know they have concern at this strange time in the world. I realise too that my reaction is yet again a demonstration of how little regard is held for my needs even when explained in writting and the reasons why. So again my ability to control aspects of my needs have been hindered.

I have options I realise, I could get a new phone number that they do not have. I would not get any messages that way. Yet I know I can not do that. Because I do care about this particular part of my family. Weird as that might sound.

It is weird how somatic issues come into it too, my sleep changed,I feel nauseous when I think or recall the message. I have been working really diligently to establish a routine, I either go up to bed at 21:30 and read for a while, turning the light out at 22:30. Or I go up at 22:30 and straight to bed light off if I am on line or watching something. I am waking earlier, and have more motivation.

I have also been walking the dogs everyday instead of me driving and them walking. We even did a walk along the foreshore of the river over the Easter period. I have not walked them today it has been way too wet and windy. Busby is frightened by the wind and rain together. Since we got caught in a heavy hail wind storm at Triabunna last year.

Coming out of the vagueness of how I disassociate is like cataracts falling off my eyes, and my brains neurons firing back up and the lights coming back on. It is a good feeling. I am very thankful that I kept walking the dogs through this period.

My GP and Psychologist have both been encouraging me and working with me and my CPTSD, Depression and or Anxiety knows that routine, good sleep, exercise, along with a healthy diet all aid in improving our abilities to deal with triggers/stressors. For me I know it is the only way along with mindfulness work, meditation, and being thankful for all I do have are also huge things that enable me to be in a much less reactive manner.

The other thing I note is I give up on the house and even the garden when I am disassociating. New insights.
As I said I am still very much a work in progress and when I realise I have been triggered and reacted I am so very thankful that I am well enough now with insight to hopefully be able to begin to work through the reactivity of this situation. For me it looks so much like loss of control in my own life is one of the big things that keep coming up as triggers.

So that is why I have been lost in isolation. I am physically fine, if afraid to cough when I do go out. I live in the south of Tasmania, so fortunately am not in the area of Tasmania which has had two of its hospitals closed recently due to a fairly large pocket of Covid -19 positive workers which has meant that all the staff in these hospitals have been put into mandatory total lock down for two weeks. The patients from these hospitals have been moved to another hospital.
The hospitals are being cleaned by a specialty team of defence personnel and will be operated by defence nurses and doctors cleaners and admin people I imagine for the time required.

We have been told we will be in stay home stay safe mode for another four weeks at least with the exception of essential workers, essential shopping, and GP appointments.

I am still flawed by the number of vehicles I see drive by my home full of families out for a drive. Looking at the scenery. Do they stop for food? To put petrol in their car. A toilet stop? A drink? Do they realise that they potentially could be carriers. Or have this illness and not know it yet? What is so hard to follow the instructions Stay Home and Stay Safe. The other issue I have is what if they have an accident, more pressure on first attendants, and ambulance workers. I really do not get these parents at all!

I am not going to get into that anymore, enough I can hear my fire crackling and I am looking out the window at the trees moving in the wind. It looks to have stopped raining for a bit.

My dogs are both asleep. Miss Treacle is snoring softly and Busby is curled up on his bean bag quiet. Both with full tummies. We are all well warm, dry and once again content with being at home, safe.

I am thankful for the rain, for my dogs, for a roof over my head, a warm fire and a cup of hot tea and food. I am thankful to have warm shoes and clothes. I am thankful to never need to say I am bored. I am thankful that for me being in self isolation is OK. I am thankful to all essential workers, I am thankful to all those people around the world who are doing the right thing as hard as it may be for many of you to self isolate. To keep others safe, as well as your self and your families. I am thankful to be out of my disassociation.

blessings Tazzie

April 17, 2020 7

Isolation, dogs, and CPTSD

The end of day light saving always seems to throw my CPTSD into a strange place I am so out of routine. It does seem quite strange that a simple change of one hour backwards is creating something that I am not able to define it is just I feel flatter and know I must work harder to re-establish my routine.

Awareness of the potential to decline when I do not follow my routine is beneficial. Even when I am staying up late at night or into the very small hours of the morning, and then sleep for only 3-4 hours becomes a part of it. This morning Tuesday, I realised that I have been doing so I have to really REALLY work at going to bed at a time I know that makes me feel so much better. I do find for me the moment I begin to stay up later even an hour is the beginning and I now am aware of my pattern and intend to work at this by going to bed between 21:00 and 21:30 reading for a while and then switching my light off no later than 22:30. I do enjoy rising early and seeing the sun come up in Autumn and Winter.

Living on my own with no input from anyone else in regard to my routine sees many signs of how I may be moving back towards the hole I have been climbing out of over the last 18months. My routine is that I must shower every second day. I have noted this week I am up to day 3 and head for the shower. Why does it always feel so incredibly amazing when I step into the hot shower and wash my hair and body. I need to hold onto the feeling that lovely feeling almost as if along with the dirt my darkness goes swirling down the plug hole.

This morning I woke early before 7am but as I had not gone to bed until after 03.00 I had a headache. I also woke in the middle of one of the very realistic dreams I have as a result of the medication I am. These often leave me feeling bewildered and out of touch with myself for a while. At least until I have my first cup of coffee.

I came down stairs and do what I have done every day for the last 3 months put the TV on and sat listening to all the ‘News” about the Pandemic. This seems to be the routine that has become normal. As I made something to eat, the sun was shining in through my kitchen windows, the sky was blue for the first time in a week almost. I thought to myself why am I going to sit and watch the news inside when I could go out side in the sunshine and watch the birds bathe, and the sunlight hitting the trees and water of the river.

I went and sat outside. Sigh a very simple change. As I sat I realised that I still have some seedlings I need to find space for along with garlic and sweet peas to sow in the garden. I finished my coffee and my dogs who were outside with me came with me as I filled the bird bath. I put the new hose gun on my hose(the old one did not let me turn the water off as I moved about the garden anymore). I did both of these things. I then gathered the seedlings and the garlic with no idea where I was going to put them. I just began putting them in spaces that receive most of the sun in the vegetable garden for the garlic and then popping the seedlings about other beds.
I am also filling another metal bed I have had sitting about for a few years in its box. It is so deep that it will take a lot to fill it. I have manure, leaves, non productive mushroom compost. I do hope it will be enough.

I will also be moving a second similar bed into the veggie garden area that is near my water tanks as the things I have planted in it have not been successful as it is not in the sun enough. That will wait for another day. It is on my list along with so much this Autumn and Winter.

The sun began to be clouded out, and I popped the sweet peas seeds in pots about my deck. I also planted a few more lettuce mignonette variety in a couple of places. Along with several more cauliflower and cabbage seedlings. I have so many I am just basically putting them everywhere and hoping some will be productive.

I had sat my new mushroom compost outside over the last few days to get moist and hopefully produce more mushrooms for free. I did pick some oyster mushrooms off one of the packs on Sunday. Today (Tuesday) I have put them back in the set up that is part fence and part mushroom house.

I noted that my Mock Orange plant which I had put in a large black plastic pot had gone berserk at the front of the house. Blocking my light and visibility of my driveway. So I have no pruned that and will move the pot. I did not realise it was such a fast grower. I did not get many blossoms and there bye the perfume from them this year as it was not in enough sunlight.

I just am not sure where I will move it too.

All this was done and I had been pottering about the garden for about 2 hours. So much better than sitting watching news. I am self isolating, only going out for essentials. We have been told we are not to travel or go away to shacks. Many people in Tasmania have a holiday cottage or house in beach side communities where they will go for their holidays, they are known as shacks. We are to stay in our primary residence over Easter and the police will be out patrolling and checking. This is primarily that along with the holiday shacks many elderly retirees live permanently in these areas. We are also no longer allowed to visit any one in hosptials . As we have at least two known cases of community transmission to employees in one of our Northern hospitals. The Government has not been able to ascertain how these employees have contracted the virus. We also wait to see if any more people who have been in contact with two people holidaying in Tasmania on an organised bus tour in March come down with the virus.

Back to routine. the sun came out and the dogs and I actually went for a walk up the hill and back. Not me driving and they running. This is day four. I was sitting here, writing about my routine. I know that for people with CPSTD normally exercise is very important. In the current situation we are all living in here in Tasmania it is even more important for me. So I got up from my chair and we walked. My neighbours who have been in Quarantine, as they had been on the mainland, were allowed out today. I thought it was tomorrow. My mistake. This meant our dogs could play. Busby and Toby(yes another Toby) were so excited and delighted.

Returning home the sun was out again so I laid in it to get some vitamin D. Another very important need especially with helping our immune systems. I take regular vitamin D especially during Autumn and Winter.

blessings to you all Tazzie

April 10, 2020 3

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