Do it for yourself

Why would I shy away from my meeting with my psychologist? Our last meeting was good, as it ended she made a small comment along the lines how good it was that I had three people helping me with supporting and helping me.

Its true, I have three professional people helping me just to manage the things in my life that I am no longer able to manage. This is a serious part of my CPTSD. It is a part that is not visible and something I struggle with in myself. I get frustrated and flustered with the fact I have had to ask for a social worker to help me with paperwork.

I have always been very independent and strong. I have always found it impossible to ask for help. I have had too. It sucks. It was so hard for me to respond when my GP referred me to the Social Worker. I do have to say she has been pretty great in dealing with Centrelink for me. It is good.

So for me hearing the words I had three people supporting and helping me, the words have sunk down into my dark place, quietly and my reaction is self preservation and do not talk to anyone!
The positive is that I am aware of what is going on. Which says how far I have come. Insight is always a good place to start.

My psychologist has sent an email. I of course have not read it yet. I will as I will also compile an honest email to share what has/is happening within me at the moment. Perhaps this will happen over the weekend.

The the three people who are supporting and helping are my psychologist, GP, and a Community Health social worker.

I need them all at this point in my life and I am very Very appreciative, and happy to have them to help me and support me as I keep moving in a forward direction.

If I could share one thing with anyone asking for support and help may be really hard. If you need some, ask for it. Having a social worker who is able to speak to Centrelink for example on my behalf, we had to have an authority signed by both of us to say she could. Just having this has been a huge help as I know I can contact my social worker and she will deal with the issue on my behalf. Dealing with Centrelink has triggered me a lot over the past years.

Pushing through my own emotions and anxiety to ask for help has been a positive thing for me. It can be for you too. If you need support and help. You like I did have to breathe and do it for yourself. Asking for help if and when you need it is a good thing.

I am thankful for the three people who are supporting and helping me on a professional level. I am thankful that I did ask for help.

blessings to you all Tazzie


Coronavirus (Covid-19) and fear

Fear is an interesting thing isn’t it. The Coronavirus is a really interesting demonstration of this. Add to this, what is happening in the supermarkets where ‘panic or preparation’ is happening.
The following post is my personal opinion and thoughts.

As a person who has CPTSD and who can fixate on things often to my own detriment mental health wise I have not allowed myself to be concerned about the Coronavirus. I am aware of it.

Coronavirus (Covid-19) Cases: 101,954

Deaths: 3,466

Recovered: 56,123
World population 7.8 billion

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/

Now in Australia alone in 2019 1,146 people were killed in road related deaths, that is 3 people a day.

Domestic violence related deaths in Australia 74 women and 24 children were killed in 2019.

Winter flu deaths of 2019, 192 people died (winter in Australia is June -01/06/19).

In USA report for 2018-2019 flu season.The flu had already killed as many as 2,400 people as at 01/12/2019.

Deaths in USA from car accidents estimated 38,800 people lost their lives to car crashes

Deaths from domestic violence in the USA in 2019 no actual national figures available however a nurse ,Dawn Wilcox, an activist documenting femicide in the United States, at her home in Plano, Texas. Dawn’s project, Women Count, focuses on women killed in 2018 and has so documented 1,635 cases so far. Photograph: Laura Buckman/The Guardian https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/apr/11/the-nurse-tracking-americas-epidemic-of-murdered-women

I do understand that Corona Virus spreads, and impacts more and more people. We also potentially do not have the real figures of people ill and who might have died world wide.
I also understand that it is a dynamic and still new virus, with Scientists and Doctors working and learning on their feet. It is going to get worse I also understand that. The figures will increase potentially in all statistics.

I understand as a person whose career was as a RN/RPN the concerns the everyday person has in regard to the Coronavirus (Covid-19) as it spreads. The main concerns I believe held by governments are not just the spread, but the fact that certainly here in Australia our hosptials were/are already full of ill people and injured those requiring surgery.
It is also the huge economic impact that certainly western countries are going to be felt as borders and export/imports are stopped.

The potential if the spread creates isolation where so many staff are not able to work. Government business may also be impacted. Which than creates more fear, more distress.

My feelings are and always have been it is always advisable if you can afford it to put some food, for me and my dogs. It seems like for some reason bottled water is important to a lot of people, I do not know why you can not just drink from your taps, I have my tanks as I do not get town water. Don’t forget personal supplies feminine hygiene, medications, and first aid in your pantry. To me this is just common sense, as I live out of town and have had situations where illness or having no transport has meant I have totally had to rely on what I have in my home.
I am not a prepper, but if that is your thing your totally covered.

I guess for me if you look at how I view the possible impact of being hit with the Corona virus, it is more about just making sure I am OK for the things I my dogs might need for the period of isolation. I also am very fortunate that I do not live in a city or large town in regard to increase risk of catching any type of flu or virus that is spread from person to person.

In saying that I was not often ill with flu or viruses when I worked in hospitals and emergency areas. The washing of hands, every time I went in to anyone’s room, or a patient, and when I left. Not touching my mouth or face, and using gloves as appropriate. I only ever wore a mask when I was caring for immune suppressed patients or those who were in isolation and or infected virally. The antibacterial solutions hand sanitiser were available but dried my skin and created cracking, so I as a nurse was totally reliant on hand washing.

I am very aware that medical and nursing staff have caught the virus and there have been deaths within these numbers. I can not comment on why or how this has occurred.

Of course I have had flu real flu knock you out aches, pains, chills, fevers, bed ridden. I am not playing the illness down please realise that. You need to be conscientious, responsible aware and really informed rely on real information not social media. It is not foolish to have supplies. It is make sense to me.

So think about when you get into your car to go and buy all the supplies you feel you need, or should have if you are required to be in isolation that you really have far more risk of being killed in your car heading to the supermarket to get the supplies. Than you do if you are a reasonably fit healthy person who follows the guidelines to minimise your risk of contracting the Corona Virus. Especially with the way the spread is currently.

Of course if you are in higher risk be aware of all you need to minimise your risk.

If you are showing any symptoms of flu like illness don’t go out, phone your GP and inform them. Listen to what they advise which is generally isolation. Until you know that you are clear of the virus.

This is all my personal opinion and thoughts. I am happy for your thoughts and comments.

blessings to you all Tazzie.

When someone inspires us.

I was very flat when I woke up this morning. I had a appointment with my psychologist via internet and I was supposed to have asked my GP to attend to some paper work for her. I had not. I was so anxious about this yesterday, I ate a full packet of Tim Tams yesterday, and I did not sleep well. I even almost messaged her to say I was not well.

It was good that I did not, and during the sharing of what was happening and why, it became clear, that I was reverting to my childhood and I the adult had given the reins to me the child. It was so good to realise this, and of course my psychologist was fine with the fact I had not seen my GP.

It was so strange to feel I could breathe again. Here was my CPTSD in action trigger, and response. I had totally dissociated. I do not really recall buying the biscuits and eating them.

It was really great to see my progress in being able to identify what had occurred.

I was still feeling somewhat flat after our appointment, and I had shared with my psychologist that I was trying to get back to painting. That there is a wonderful chap called Charlie O’Shields, on his site https://doodlewash.com and he is an artist, and his work and correspondence we have been having has been inspiring me, and motivating me to begin to think about picking up a brush. I had said to my psychologist that i had been sketching a puppy to paint for today’s theme before our appointment and I was involved with it and a tad annoyed that I had to stop.

I was uncertain about continuing and my anxiety began to build, it won’t be any good, you can’t drawer or paint, you are hopeless, you won’t finish it, you won’t put it on the site.
My body began to work against me I began to feel nauseous, and my heart was racing, as I did want to give it a try TODAY! My mind and body seemed to have other ideas.

So instead of letting my anxiety keep mounting and just overwhelming me I went and watered the vegetable garden. I played with the dogs. I laughed at their antics. I fed them, I cooked myself a good healthy meal for dinner. I ate it.

I then sat down and was determined to paint and to post it on Doodlewash community.

The theme for today was a puppy. I used an image as my subject matter. I am overly critical as I did not finish it YET I am actually really chuffed that I did it, you can sort of make out things, and perhaps if I had used a liner to go around the paw and mouth area more so and filled the back of the mouth in black instead of leaving it white, it would be clearer. I didn’t. If I had kept going I would have over thought it. My anxiety was growing again, and I just wanted to get something up. I feel quite ill at ease, sharing this as it is such a personal thing for me. Unlike my photography.

I am proud that I have picked up a paint brush and achieved a sketch of a puppy in watercolours. I keep wanting to add more explanations etc but I am stopping here.

Thank You Charlie O’Shield. https://doodlewash.com/on-the-edge-of-a-dream/ Here is the post Charlie did for the prompt puppy.

Blessings to you all

Tazzie

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