ADHD medication Day1 Bugger!

Waking this morning to a warm autumn morning sunshine with grey clouds intermittently. 19dC forcast maximum. I rise as normal, see the cube shaped white medication bottle sitting on the shelf. As fearful as I am about taking medication that will impact my brain, with hope yet also the opposite. I unscrew the child proof cap, remove the safety foil and see the small slow release capsules inside. What do these wee capsules hold for me. I take one as per directed and now I wait. Well no not really I go downstairs, make a coffee and breakfast, take the dogs out and for a run. Chat to my neighbours, noting I am speaking quite rapidly, (two hours into the day) and uncertain if this is normal for me.

I phone a family member, and they impart I seem to be manic in my conversation.
I had a small feeling of my hand I was writing some notes with early in the morning getting a wee tingling numb..just for a few moments.
I called in to a friends up the road, I drove up, my head is feeling heavy. I note again my conversation is full on…but I am not hogging the conversation.
It is about midday when I return home and reversing my car into my drive I knocked over a timber post and reversed into the woodpile. Totally not paying any attention to anything. Yes I definitely should NOT be driving and will not be for the next day or two. Very happy to have not damaged my car or anyone else/s property.

I have not achieved anything really today to demonstrate any rapid change in focus. Though I have hung the washing that was in my machine for two days out, and bought majority of it in as it dries. It is now 15:00 my overwhelming feeling right now is weariness and a heavy head. just wanting to close my eyes and sleep. I had planned to deal with some financial issues I need to as I now manage my funds myself on my pension. This is not potentially happening, and right now I wonder to I just lay down and go with the weariness or try to move through it. Interestingly I am finding that my words are coming relatively easily but I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I was expecting nothing really and just paying attention to what feelings/sensations ect occured. I have eaten twice today, so far not massive and both times sandwiches banana and peanut butter, then ham tomato lettuce and mayo..though i followed that with too many savoury biscuits dipped in a chocolate cream sauce I made. (WTF)! It was very tasty and I enjoyed it. Im struggling to think what I have drunk so far, and know I Have had two large cups of coffee white, (normal) and one large cup of tea with sugar. At least one cup of water but now I need to get up and have more water. Consequence of the savoury chocolate biscuits or lack of water or indeed the medication? Sigh too many possibilities.

So the end of the day well actually logically the next morning as I have to document it all down up to the going to bed. which I did at the time I have in my alerts. Over the years since I stopped working and began to understand my CPTSD and health physical and mental needs I realised the best time for me to be able to function at a level where my dogs, chooks and most of the time personal needs were met. Bugger the house and my go to place the garden was hit or miss so often.

Not to have damaged my newly bought (old second hand) vehicle was such a positive and fixing the damage well is relatively simple. (as the rain we have been having has made the soil very wet; which in turn is the very real reason why my treasured vehicle was not damaged. Phew.

blessing to You, Tazzie

May 27, 2023 1

ADHD Medication it was the night before..

Tonight I am living in hope of what might be. Tomorrow morning after I take my first slow release tablet for my ADHD. I try to convince myself I am not dreaming of miracles, and in a few days, I will just be able to do what so many non ADHD folk take for granted. That phenomenon of just being able to keep on top of caring for a home and life. Yet for the first time ever in my life I am scared to take this medication. The fears of what IT may do to my brain, and thus me. I make the choice to not go down that particular rabbit hole of angst tonight.

In the assessment with the Psychiatrist for ADHD as I recalled so much of how I was a child, teenager, and young adult.
Constant in my head comments and feedback of ..”if she concentrated more she would do so much better” (from teachers whose classes I did not enjoy), or , stopped chatting/misbehaving she would do even better (from the teachers whose classes I did really well in). I recall my German teacher sending me to the Headmasters office for my disrupting the class, and being made to sit outside the Head Masters office…because the Head Master, said he was struggling with me as I was first in the year (not just my class) and he was at a total loss. Back then in the late 70’s girls did not have ADHD so it was not even considered.

I recall in my high school being told in my economics class by a very patient teacher to go and stand outside the class room by the fire hydrant(which hung on the wall). Me being me had been making the class laugh and was disruptive… I stood by the fire hydrant on the wall, then discovered something. The class was chuckling as the teacher was writing on the blackboard with his back to them. He turned to see what the class was laughing at, followed their eyes and saw me…standing at the door of the classroom with the fire hydrant in my arms. I imagine I had a pretty smart alec look on my face. This poor teacher could do nothing and ended up laughing and telling me to put it back and to come back in and TRY to just settle down!.

Memories from my early years, with parents, being told I did not listen, that I did not pay attention. To clean up my messy room and getting into serious trouble for Not doing it.

Uni at 30 and my assignments generally left to the night before to be written up. Comments always if I had someone proofread for spelling and punctuation etc, I would have got better grades, (having gained a Distinction), you could also tell really easily which subjects I enjoyed or not.

I had many jobs and my final career as a Registered Nurse lasted for over 20 years and perhaps the fact there was some structure to being a RN, routines of patient care, medications, charts to keep a record and notes…kept me able to maintain this position especially when I stopped being in management level (which I honestly can say I am really surprised I managed to do without causing major issues). I recall when managing an aged care facility I knew I was really close to failing..things were beginning to not be working so well as changes from new owners came in. I went back to being a ward nurse and the relief I felt was massive.

I have always struggled to connect with people, somehow feeling that I just never had the key to unlock that world. I have friends, but at times it has been so hard to maintain the friendship, and over the years as I have moved many times, and as often happens friendships do not always follow, at least that has been my experience.

I am not a naturally neat person in appearance and never have been. Even as a child I was critisiced for not doing my hair..(baby fine and impossible to keep smooth) by a parent. My family was all about appearances and well I was basically always a mess, no matter how much effort I put into it. Even as a teenager, a nurse I was never well put together. I just never had the ability to look correct. I had the right uniforms, and always began clean and neat..but ..laughing. Now Well I accept it along with the bonus of where I live and my lifestyle..I fit in and very few people care about how you look or what you are wearing, a joy! I am clean but end up with stuff somehow adhering to me.

I struggled at times with bills and accounts. These days I am fine and pay them as I get them fully (I am very fortunate I can) and sometimes will pay more if I have excess such as for electricity. (actually that is the only bill I get that is quarterly). I know how fortunate I am to own my home outright and have no debts. Particularly in these scary times for so many. Australian me included are feeling the costs of food inflation, we have massive rent increases and interest rates increasing for mortgages and loans.

I feel my poor brain is wound up tonight all over the place, combined with anxieties in regard to the beginning of this new medication tomorrow morning. Even just typing that my mouth went very dry. Am I holding out so much for some miracle and what might happen if it does not? Is this how everyone as an adult who begins ADHD medication feels?

I want to document the process and impact/effects of the meds, as so often it can be so difficult at times to know or see for yourself where you have come from to where you are in a week/month year, or if you have to go off them.

It took me ages to find the anti-depressant that helped me through it was horrendous trialing several meds but wow, when I finally found the one right for me, and moved through the first 8weeks I am eternally grateful to have had it. Very happy to not need it now.

So I am two minds I’m tired, Its been a busy week so far and a busy day today for me, but I am also quite wired, and I feel just full of words and bursting to attempt to document where I am beginning from. After 60 years 60 YEARS! It feels a bit like Christmas eve as a child…the excitement of what tomorrow holds. I am so weird..I have never had this attitude to any medication before. Yet I am also filled with fear that nothing will happen. The thoughts will I feel different an hour after or two or later in the day…that night, the next day, a week is it sort of instant? Or more like the ant-depressant? Eight weeks till it kicked in. No I am not going down that rabbit hole!

You would think a RN would know. Do I google it? I should read the document I was given by the pharmacist about it but then I worry that the negative symptoms will appear, and if I don’t know what they are apart from the suggestion to not take the medication after 12noon for it might keep me awake..which is why I am beginning tomorrow and not today.

Ah well in my childhood I would get me to bed so I could get to sleep and wake up to all the possibilities that the morning may have in store. Oh yes my ADHD brain is working overtime right now…I am so thankful I did not take this tablet today!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

May 24, 2023 5

Failure

It has been ten months since I posted. So much was happening, and yet at the same time the consequences of some of my choices/actions impaired me and triggered me.

The experience of having a company come in and de-hoard my home was in hindsight wasnot good and
in the long run has actually been a nightmare for me.

I returned home and yes it was cleared in some areas, BUT the contract was not actually adhered too, and that is a thing I am still examining. Or not.. A chapter for another day. My home was no longer my home, and one room was filled with boxes and boxes of my stuff that I was expected to be able to deal with. Laugh turns into hysterical laughter. Yeah right the whole idea was for them to get rid of everything and not pack it up for me to deal with. On my return home I went looking for my toaster and kettle..packed into boxes, toast crumb still in the toaster and stuff on the outside. In the process of looking I uncovered packed open food, dirty pots, sharp knives just left any how in the boxes with other stuff, fragile things with heavy things on top. Dirty clean no matter shove it a box put all the boxes into a room that had had mice nesting in a mattress (thankfully at least that had been tossed.
I blame myself, and that of course took a toll on me….then Instead of that I looked at the contract and realised the company had not abided by it. When I really looked at my home I still saw mice droppings, and dirty light fittings, fly dirt, and just the house was not clean. I also had a room full of boxes…partially gone through now as I have to find all the food and throw out the opened cereal, flour, butter, sugar. along with dirty dishes.

I went backwards in my wellness, and I once again and surrounded by stuff. (not anywhere near as much I am very happy to say and very relieved BUT I Have also worked incredibly HARD ON Ensuring that it is NOT) I am also very slowly deaing with the room of boxes, and in all honesty I just wish they had thrown it all away, as now depending on where I am when I go into the room (which I avoid generally) if I find something I struggle so often to just say ;its been in here for 10months and you have either replaced it or not needed it…SURELY IT CAN GO! 65%of the time, I manage to toss it out.

So failure not on my part…and that is the positive that I hold too. (I’m struggling to get rid of the packing boxes as they cost me $6 or more a box, (the company charged me that much). So one of my pre hoarding issues was bloody cardboard boxes!!! I’ m laughing at the situation I truly am.

Since then I have been working at clearing about my property and have done some work that I am really proud of and gave a way a lot of wonderful artisan native wood to some artisans(my partner was a wood turner and under the house was a treasure chest of stunning native timbers, myrtle, blackwood and the treasure of Tasmania Huon Pine. Even some King billy pine. It was just sitting there stressing me out I had no idea of its value so much happier to give it to some people who would create wonderful things out of it.

I look at my house and sadly it is not bringing me a lot of joy, however I am not allowing myself to be weighed down by this. Yet it has taken a long time and work to accept.

The beginning of 2023 saw me begin the process of discovery. I decided to follow up on my psychologists diagnosis that I had ADHD. Unfortunately the waiting time for an assessment by a psychiatrist was between 5-9months here in Tasmania, and I had my assessment last week. Waiting for the assessment I fixated on what if I do not have ADHD??? I can not explain the relief I felt at age 60 female to receive the diagnosis that I do INDEED have ADHD! I can accept so much better and comprehend that so much of my life in my early years were not my fault..my brain is wired differently. I am now learning about how ADHD impacts human relationships and why I struggle to connect. ALong with my sensitivity and for me the biggest relief is that my messiness is infact part of my brain working or not.

Even prior to the diagnosis, I have been feeling mentally the best I have in so many ways, and now this new knowledge unlocks so much more for me to discover about my brain.
Tomorrow I begin a slow release medication for ADHD, I have no idea if or what it might do for me or not do for me.. I am just happy to have a possible aid in somehow altering my brain so I can focus, and complete some things, that perhaps are not the normal things I can actually find myself focusing on for hours and hours and not dealing with mundane daily things…ie I just remembered I have washing in the washing machine from yesterday and it is now nearly 8pm it will stay until the morning. I have been beginning to use my mobile to set reminders for the things such as this to do each day. Its hit or miss but I at least am aware/reminded of what I want to achieve each day. I am okay with it being moved tomorrow for now.

I have been looking at my bottle of pills and attempting Not to get my hopes up.. I know that I may feel more anxious to begin..my heart is beating fast as I write and all I want is such a small thing a home I can feel comfortable to invite a friend into and that they will come and be comfortable to sit and have a cuppa and some food.

blessings to You, Tazzie

May 23, 2023 3

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