One Month Later

So I have been on my ADHD medication for just over a month now. I am now considered to have Neurodivergent brain.

From the first time I took this medication with a relative short amount fo time my brain had space in it!

I have always just felt my brain was so overloaded.

Im on a longer acting medication, that has a pretty short half life (meaning the amount of time the medication remains in my body). I am able to tell when it wears off.

Its not all rosey and bright. As when it wears off I again begin to feel the lack of space in my brain.

I am now working at noticing things I am doing when the medication is not working. Ie impulse spending…Temu and I are good acquaintances as is Amazon Australia. When I may have been online impulse adding stuff to my cart if on medication. I will be able to leave the cart, for a few days and generally not buy anything well maybe one item. Not the 20 in the cart.

I also note I am much more aware of when I am likely to be fixated, and will generally be able to quit say facebook (spending very very little time on it and its a huge positive. let me tell you).

I am able to undertake tasks that I have not done in years and not become so focused on it that I loose focus on other aspects of my life that need to be done. NOT saying these other aspects get done, just I am aware of things outside the task I am undertaking in general.

I have begun to schedule alarms on my phone reminders of things I must do every day, ie medication, and other things. Even a time for going to bed. Crazy but having this routine really has made a huge difference for me. I may not do it religiously

but on the whole its pretty set, and in the last month I have not stayed up past midnight at all. (where as not uncommon to be up till 3am prior.

Feelings of not being included and lost as too why, left out, omitted, not understood,and similar overwhelming emotions that would fill my brain are so much less now and pretty much nil on medication.

The negative symptoms for me have not been massive or noticeable. Though I can no longer have real coffee unless its decaffeinated. Generally my sugar cravings have gone. As my binge eating with it.

I did as per GPs and psychiatrist suggestion increase my medication and within a short time, I knew this was not a positive step for me. That day was hell. Hard for me to put it into words now. It was just awful on so many levels.

I have also found with this medication I have a lot of control over how to use it.

As I have said previously it stops its magic at some point in the day depending on what time I take.

So if I know I am going out in the evening as per Mad Hatters I took it about 1pm and found that the night was pretty good. Dont get me wrong I still was quite anxious and turned up an hour early for my volunteer shift. However I knew if I did not go then I most likely would not have gone. So wanting to attend and having committed to help I went and was quite content being an hour early.

Much better than not going and the emotional shit I would have gone over and over in my head for days.

If I am going to Kingston or Hobart I will take it a bit later in the morning.

Normally I take it first thing on an empty stomach. As I find once I have eaten, and I take it, it does not seem to be so effective for me.

It has NOT CURED ME. It has NOT changed me, it has not stopped me from not being able to tend to things that I have major issues about or for some bizarre reason seem to be just not able to DO. Ie washing up… WTF. I actually have some insight into why this and the house crap is such a massive issue for me. I also am very aware of the monumental task I am dealing with. Even with all the work I have so far done. (we won’t talk about the crappy business that was meant to dehoard and clean my living spaces and kitchen)

The main thing for me as a newly diagnosed person with ADHD is that it has explained why so many things happened, were done to me as a misunderstood and different child to my siblings and friends. Why I never really fitted in to social groups/peer groups and why it impacted me so much emotionally and developmentally.

I am perhaps one of the more lucky mature age women now discovering that they have ADHD, having managed to complete degrees, to end up at age 30 working in a career where I was able to continue (nursing is quite structured and time orientated pretty good for my neurodivergent brain). It also explains why I found some work places nightmares, open office plans, and where not much structure so say more self directed, though depending on my personal interest level some self directed style work was great ie dementia support groups for carers and individuals with dementia, setting up and facilitating. Community nursing loved it, and community mental health support loved it.

Explains my always messy desk, bedroom as I grew up and as an adult.

I was also incredibly fortunate to have met Mark. He never judged me, he accepted me as I was totally, and our life together enabled me to keep on top of the shit I would buy..checks and measures I guess. It was not done or anything said…it seems his unconditional love depleted my need for stuff, to be impulsive so much. He was my body double in so many ways. Body double..hmm I will leave that for another day. We know he was nothing like me.

I have no regrets about what might have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Though I have met and talk to other mature age women (especially as girls were never considered to have ADHD when I was a child or teenager) and many of them are very angry and regretful. Their lives were very different from mine.

As I say I somehow achieved the necessities and managed to somehow move through the debt I created in my earlier adult life to begin to save and stay out of debt and live within my means..(never having a credit card was the BEST life lesson). I also became used to the moving so many time I have lived in over 39 homes in my lifetime, 25 years in this one…says something too along with the number of jobs, and positions I was employed in. I was never fired, or terminated. Realising myself when I knew the position was not right for me. So so grateful again for having some insight into me.

So thank if you have read all the way through this.

If you know anyone who may appear to have or is fearful or concerned that they may have ADHD as an adult. Please feel free to share my experiences then and now.

I also want to mention that I was floored when I went to pay for my psychiatrist appointment ($600) that I had been bulked bill as a concession disability card holder.. somehow this had happened in the last couple of months. It was really wonderful for me to have this happen.

Again thanks for reading this to this point. As a mental health advocate I never shy away from sharing my real experiences. I am who I am and am proud of me, and like me. What others may think of me is their own opinion. It has genuinely very little if any impact on me if its negative. So many positives to getting older and being on medication that gives my brain space.

blessings to You, Tazzie

This is my personal experience and as in all my posts do not share copy or use any of my posts without my permission. Or acknowledging my blog as the source.

June 25, 2023 3

Winter Gardening in Tasmania

The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.

Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind).
I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.

I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.

My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf?
It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them!
The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!

Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.

I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.

My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air.
My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things.
It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.

blessings, Tazzie

June 5, 2023 1

Argh!

I just completed a post and had hit publish and then every thing froze. I logged back in and it had gone. Sigh.
So its been a good day.
One week today on my ADHD medications. Yes there have been changes and I am so happy I decided to give it a go.
I am following up on financial things. Outstanding financial things. Tolls from when I was on the mainland. Majority paid but issues with what has been happening since my last phone call. Under control, check.
Paying outstanding invoices due to my inability to do what I needed to having gone from managed by and organisation under National Disability Insurance Scheme, to self managing. Almost completed, and I am following up daily to see where its at so I can finalise this.
Brilliant just brilliant.

I soaked my broad beans (fava) in water last night, I also had found some garlic cloves that were rooting and shooting. I decided as it was a warm day , and the sun poked through the clouds to go into my veggie garden and plant them. I planted both in several areas of the garden. (not labeling of course where I planted them). As I did this I had to add some old manure to some of the areas, and then I began to weed. I really love weeding. Which is fortunate as there is a lot of weeds. As I was weeding I noticed some brassica seedlings I had left in the old wheelbarrow. Heck they were still alive. They looked sort of healthy if a bit like um mini larger plants. What to do. Oh lets just plant them. So I did. Nothing to loose really. There is space in the beds, it will be interesting to see what happens. Oh a winter experiment lovely!

Hearing my sort of feathered flock of chooks(chickens). They have been molting. I realised that it was their dinner time, along with how dirty I was, thirsty, and then how starving my dogs must be. Busby had joined me outside but I now realised that he had vanished quite a while ago. It turned out 4 hours had passed talk about hyper focused!
So chooks fed, check.
Me watered, check.
Me showered, check,
Dirty clothes into washing machine to soak, other clothes added, and turned on. Check
Dogs fed, check.
Dogs cuddled, check.
Me fed check.
Sat for a while and watched some stuff.
As one does I needed the loo(toilet). I went upstairs, for some reason loading myself up with a bundle of clothes and linen that had made home on the stairs.{(yes a huge trip hazard..Im a hoader its life). though a work in process of changing that title}. The stairs were not bare of cloth, at this point, I hasten to add. Yet without a thought I picked up a bundle of cloth, and took it up to my room. Yes it was dumped on the floor! No where else to put it as I needed the loo right then. So the clothes and linens are accumulating on the floor of my bedroom instead of the stairs. No clothes are creating a trip hazard on the stairs, as I type. All have made their way up to the bedroom floor. It is progress in my world/life.
It gets even more mysterious, and baffling. As I did what one does in the loo. I looked and began to pick up items and put them in the draw. On completing the original task the one that can not be ignored for too long ever, washing my hands noticing how filthy the sink and window area is. A chux(cleaning cloth) and cleaner is located, the sink is cleaned, the window sill is dusted, washed, and the light shade, the top of the loo, then looking down the loo is horrible, so that is hit with something to soak for a bit. Then I stack loo paper, return things to the drawers, pick up rubbish of the floor and empty the bin. I pick up clothes that I have left laying in the toilet room. (it is not a big room I have to admit). I did not clean the floor at this point. The rubbish and the clothes both made it downstairs. Clothes into the washing machine with others and washed as per above.
rubbish into garbage bin outside! Who is this woman?
No plan, no list. No thought even. not even a lot of effort just done. Its not finished I hear you, but for me this is massive.
These little things are so monumental, and they are how I know that my brain has changed because of the medication.
I still feel like me, which I was very anxious and scared of. I think my brain is still active, and my humour is more present, not saying medication is responsible for that, but a combination of things. I am able to not get sucked into the facebook or so far the impulse shopping on line behaviour I have in more recent times. I did go onto online sight to shop but put things in cart and well turned the computer off, and whether this is a one off or a change it is early days.
Weirdly not sure if having someone come to quote for fencing is impulse shopping or not.
I am not as tired in the afternoons as I had been at first. Though I am sleeping 10 hours lucky me, and it is very heavy sleep. I have weird dreams.
I’m not missing coffee like I thought I would. When I forgot that caffeine is not reccomended with my medication and had a large coffee on top of a largish one at home(instant), at a cafe and I had such a rapid heart rate, scared me.
One thing I am noticing is I seem to get hot flushes(well feeling of being overheated and sweaty), similar to my experience during menopause not sure if this is the medication or something else. I see my GP next week so will check up with her.
So much to be thankful about and so much to be appreciative of in my life. I know I am very fortunate, and to live here in Australia and get my medication on our Government scheme ($7.30AUS concession card holder) but if I was not it would be $30 I believe. So not sure how that compares to other countries.

blessings to You, Tazzie

May 31, 2023 2

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