Category: #neurodivergent

One Month Later

So I have been on my ADHD medication for just over a month now. I am now considered to have Neurodivergent brain.

From the first time I took this medication with a relative short amount fo time my brain had space in it!

I have always just felt my brain was so overloaded.

Im on a longer acting medication, that has a pretty short half life (meaning the amount of time the medication remains in my body). I am able to tell when it wears off.

Its not all rosey and bright. As when it wears off I again begin to feel the lack of space in my brain.

I am now working at noticing things I am doing when the medication is not working. Ie impulse spending…Temu and I are good acquaintances as is Amazon Australia. When I may have been online impulse adding stuff to my cart if on medication. I will be able to leave the cart, for a few days and generally not buy anything well maybe one item. Not the 20 in the cart.

I also note I am much more aware of when I am likely to be fixated, and will generally be able to quit say facebook (spending very very little time on it and its a huge positive. let me tell you).

I am able to undertake tasks that I have not done in years and not become so focused on it that I loose focus on other aspects of my life that need to be done. NOT saying these other aspects get done, just I am aware of things outside the task I am undertaking in general.

I have begun to schedule alarms on my phone reminders of things I must do every day, ie medication, and other things. Even a time for going to bed. Crazy but having this routine really has made a huge difference for me. I may not do it religiously

but on the whole its pretty set, and in the last month I have not stayed up past midnight at all. (where as not uncommon to be up till 3am prior.

Feelings of not being included and lost as too why, left out, omitted, not understood,and similar overwhelming emotions that would fill my brain are so much less now and pretty much nil on medication.

The negative symptoms for me have not been massive or noticeable. Though I can no longer have real coffee unless its decaffeinated. Generally my sugar cravings have gone. As my binge eating with it.

I did as per GPs and psychiatrist suggestion increase my medication and within a short time, I knew this was not a positive step for me. That day was hell. Hard for me to put it into words now. It was just awful on so many levels.

I have also found with this medication I have a lot of control over how to use it.

As I have said previously it stops its magic at some point in the day depending on what time I take.

So if I know I am going out in the evening as per Mad Hatters I took it about 1pm and found that the night was pretty good. Dont get me wrong I still was quite anxious and turned up an hour early for my volunteer shift. However I knew if I did not go then I most likely would not have gone. So wanting to attend and having committed to help I went and was quite content being an hour early.

Much better than not going and the emotional shit I would have gone over and over in my head for days.

If I am going to Kingston or Hobart I will take it a bit later in the morning.

Normally I take it first thing on an empty stomach. As I find once I have eaten, and I take it, it does not seem to be so effective for me.

It has NOT CURED ME. It has NOT changed me, it has not stopped me from not being able to tend to things that I have major issues about or for some bizarre reason seem to be just not able to DO. Ie washing up… WTF. I actually have some insight into why this and the house crap is such a massive issue for me. I also am very aware of the monumental task I am dealing with. Even with all the work I have so far done. (we won’t talk about the crappy business that was meant to dehoard and clean my living spaces and kitchen)

The main thing for me as a newly diagnosed person with ADHD is that it has explained why so many things happened, were done to me as a misunderstood and different child to my siblings and friends. Why I never really fitted in to social groups/peer groups and why it impacted me so much emotionally and developmentally.

I am perhaps one of the more lucky mature age women now discovering that they have ADHD, having managed to complete degrees, to end up at age 30 working in a career where I was able to continue (nursing is quite structured and time orientated pretty good for my neurodivergent brain). It also explains why I found some work places nightmares, open office plans, and where not much structure so say more self directed, though depending on my personal interest level some self directed style work was great ie dementia support groups for carers and individuals with dementia, setting up and facilitating. Community nursing loved it, and community mental health support loved it.

Explains my always messy desk, bedroom as I grew up and as an adult.

I was also incredibly fortunate to have met Mark. He never judged me, he accepted me as I was totally, and our life together enabled me to keep on top of the shit I would buy..checks and measures I guess. It was not done or anything said…it seems his unconditional love depleted my need for stuff, to be impulsive so much. He was my body double in so many ways. Body double..hmm I will leave that for another day. We know he was nothing like me.

I have no regrets about what might have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Though I have met and talk to other mature age women (especially as girls were never considered to have ADHD when I was a child or teenager) and many of them are very angry and regretful. Their lives were very different from mine.

As I say I somehow achieved the necessities and managed to somehow move through the debt I created in my earlier adult life to begin to save and stay out of debt and live within my means..(never having a credit card was the BEST life lesson). I also became used to the moving so many time I have lived in over 39 homes in my lifetime, 25 years in this one…says something too along with the number of jobs, and positions I was employed in. I was never fired, or terminated. Realising myself when I knew the position was not right for me. So so grateful again for having some insight into me.

So thank if you have read all the way through this.

If you know anyone who may appear to have or is fearful or concerned that they may have ADHD as an adult. Please feel free to share my experiences then and now.

I also want to mention that I was floored when I went to pay for my psychiatrist appointment ($600) that I had been bulked bill as a concession disability card holder.. somehow this had happened in the last couple of months. It was really wonderful for me to have this happen.

Again thanks for reading this to this point. As a mental health advocate I never shy away from sharing my real experiences. I am who I am and am proud of me, and like me. What others may think of me is their own opinion. It has genuinely very little if any impact on me if its negative. So many positives to getting older and being on medication that gives my brain space.

blessings to You, Tazzie

This is my personal experience and as in all my posts do not share copy or use any of my posts without my permission. Or acknowledging my blog as the source.

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Winter Gardening in Tasmania

The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.

Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind).
I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.

I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.

My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf?
It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them!
The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!

Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.

I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.

My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air.
My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things.
It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.

blessings, Tazzie

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Steady she goes..

Day 5 ADHD medication older adult

My body and brain seem to be settling into some sort of new normal on my medication. How is it. I am pleasantly happy with what appears to be altering. As mentioned in my last post I paid (well attempted ) to pay some invoices. I am on a disability pension due too my mental illness I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD). I was finally assessed after having a breakdown about 7 years ago (interestingly I was menopausal and I believe many symptoms could also have been tied into undiagnosed ADHD, At the time I was very depressed and suicidal (NOT normal symptoms of ADHD!
I was put on antidepressant medication and I am so thankful that I was, and even though it took trying several types, yes enduring the whole wait and see, or get me off this medication NOW process of each new medication. I was so unwell I kept trying and again I am so glad I did. It was for me a life saver. Along with my GP and my wonderful psychologist and me, the medications enabled me to move through my depression, (took 5 years so please NOT an INSTANT fix. Eventually I began to feel that the antidepressant was inhibiting me from moving forward and my emotions whilst improved were still somewhat dulled for me. The choice to come off for me, was great and life moved forward.

I began to have some notable changes happening in my life after coming off the antidepressant and learning to feel all emotions and live with all emotions. Learning to identify and observe what happened prior too when I had an angry or sad out burst.
See if I could begin to tie in the emotions feeling to the situation and then over the course of years begin to learn and understand that whilst my behaviours and responses may not be seen as appropriate, they were the only management tools I had.

I also began to understand all the large blank periods in my life. I have massive memory black holes and dissociate (can still happen if overwhelmed) but happens so much less now. What I learned was that these black holes and when I dissociate are my childhood brains way to deal with things too awful/hard/painful/distressing/overwhelming and this is what saved me from all sorts of fates. It is perhaps what saved me and my brain to be able to function and get some good grades and evenutally a wonderful qualified work position.
All the what if’s I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my early childhood the signs were certainly present form an early age in hindsight. I believe the abuse and beatings I got were mostly due to the behaviour of having a neurodivergent brain in a family with divergent brains.
Of course there are always the what ifs.

For me at my age it has no bearing on my life today. I know though I am a very fortunate female of the 60s who was educated well. Who was never unemployed and went to Uni and financially am very fortunate.
My family were not well off in my early years, but education was always the priority and being able to fit into any group of people. (I’m not sure but life is so much less formal than when I was a child. which was not helpful to a girl with undiagnosed ADHD). My childhood and disregard for social status and hierarchy, patriarchy, gender roles and other social norms that thankfully are less accepted by our society today.

I have never been a neat, tidy person or my home but generally when it all got to much I used to be able to just get into a zone and sort, clean and make it all look wonderful Even if it took 4 days, the food tins sorted into same, then alphabetised, labels all facing out, CDs and books all alphabetised and clothes colour blocking. I would look about and feel so good. I also recall inviting people over for a meal so I would tend to things before they became worse in my 20’s and 30s’.

I have always had a impulsive nature. Getting myself into some serious debt and dealing with the consequences was a help in a lot of ways with learning not to be so impulsive with my spending. Well at least to only be impulsive once rent, bills and some savings are put away.
I also met someone in my late 30’s who was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years when he was diagnosed with cancer and cared for by me at home until he died in our home with his daughters present and the animals. (13 years ago now). He was like my control…not in that he controlled me or my money or anything like that. Like he loved me unconditionally, he encouraged and helped, about he house, he was also not tidy but not messy and so I guess I followed his lead. We washed up once a day, and things were put away. Washing was done regularly hung out and put away. Personal care regular and routine. Diet I loved cooking for him and family and visitors.

Why am I mentioning all this stuff? When my psychologist began to talk to me about their belief (assessment) that I had ADHD, and that my depression: at the time I was so ill was not necessarily anything to do with ADHD but a part of living with undiagnosed ADHD along with grief and having CPTSD she and my GP were working with me to get me through the critical stage of my mental illness you know helping to save my life. That ADHD was left on the back burner.
It was only perhaps 18months ago (and yes I have issues with how long ago things were), that ADHD was bought up, and interestingly enough I had been watching a Youtuber: How to ADHD.
https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

I was finding so many things that rang bells for me in so many of her videos. So when my Psychologist bought it up again and I was well enough to be receptive, it was not such a WHAT moment but a yep moment. Nothing happened immediately as be it with my anxiety, my disorganisation, finances, fears, impossibility of getting a Psychiatrist appointment within 9months, it took me time to finally to be assessed. Even when I made an appointment (and was going to pay $600) it was not that simple, first the Psychiatrist was ill with COVID, then I was on the mainland (I live on the island State of Australia Tasmania) and could not find somewhere to have a zoom meeting, as I was driving back to catch the ferry home on the day my first rescheduled appointment was on. Thankfully the the Psychiatrist rescheduled for the week after I returned home.



Of course I was anxious about the assessment I mean what if I do NOT have ADHD?? Shit what would that mean?
So of course once assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, the relief overwhelmed me, and the joy yep seriously I felt joy and happiness, that there was a reason why all my life…everything was as it was! I am so glad I did it, and right now even happier that I am on medication sure its not been a week yet and some days its been weird, it seems to doing something.

Today I know that the medication is doing something to my brain that is so magical. Not only did I attempt to pay some invoices on Friday and they were rejected because I had not advised the NDIS of my bank account details for the money to be transferred from being managed by a business to me managing my own payments, which meant of course the invoices were rejected BUT did I emotionally break, did I just go fuck it…put it in the too hard basket or just go dissociate? No I placed a note in my diary on my phone with an reminder to contact the person I needed to.

So this morning after doing the daily morning things I have in my diary, I rang the person, asked what I needed to do..give my bank account details..me worrying about having NDIS money go in with my own money said I would need to speak to my bank about fees and costs if I opened another account with them. OK person I am talking to says all I need to do is send them an email with the information she requested and that would be it and it all should be done in a couple of days.
Me gets off that call, and immediately calls my banks and is informed that I can have an account with no card access (yeah) with no fees or costs. I just have to go in and sign for it.
I get off the phone and go into town and open this new account. I have a tumeric latte(trying to not have coffee is not as hard as I thought), went and got some items I wanted at the local supermarket (to make granola bars) and returned home, and immediately sent the email with the information.

PHEW!!

I will put up with feeling tired very weary every evening for this! 4 months of overdue invoices so close to being paid. So many people who have non neurodivergent brains will if they read this far(lol), would be like seriously what a lot of malarkey, it is so simple to do this no big deal no need to write a blog about it nor to feel JOY and HAPPINESS because you almost can pay some invoices seriously Tazzie!
Not even going to respond to them, as the important people now, that there is real joy and happiness in such a seemingly small thing for a neurodivergent brain. I am smiling as I type. As it is truly a beautiful thing.

I add to this joyful post, that I even with little thought sat and began to do some tidying(can someone please explain to me why more mess is made when you tidy? I also instead of just moving things to piles of like with like, actually used some of the boxes(hoard waiting to go outside), to put these things in for example the flower bulbs that have been laying about the area I sit, thankfully not trodden on, are all now in a box which when it is a bit less rainy will be planted.

Same for all the knitting and crochet projects, working on one in its own box, twisted and somehow all caught together balls in another to be separated and sorted then to be put with its own pattern. All the pens, pencils and other art items that were littering the area, are now in a box. Where they can be on a shelf and at some time perhaps sorted. No pressure.


I also stacked the wood I had just dropped at the fire side, into a pile and put the kindling and papers in boxes to the side. Giving space to walk without risk of stubbing a toe. Bliss. Again, small small things, in my world big time stuff.
I did not have this on my plan to day, (well the kitchen was but that is a room with a lot of history for me to deal with in my CPTSD brain area).

Actually I am OK with what I achieved in the kitchen today. I was given a wonderful gift of freshly caught tuna! Red tuna, I was so touched by the generosity as the person who gave it too me had been gifted some and gave me some of his Gift! So I seared this beautiful Tuna on both sides and had it with some vegies (I had vegie and no salad) and man was that a delicious meal. No the washing up has not been undertaken, sorry.

My medication IS working. I am still uncertain if other areas of my me brain are impacted. I had a crazy dream last night but that was most likely the vast number of crackers and Japanese sweets(highly processed and high sugar) I ate last night before going to bed. Even so I slept heavily and long again.

If anyone is reading this who also has/is on slow release ADHD medication and began at 10mg can you let me know how moving to the next level helped or impacted you, I would appreciate it.

So again I am so thankful for the change that has enabled me to be able to focus on one task over three days, and complete it as far as I can!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

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