Category: CPTSD

ADHD Medication it was the night before..

Tonight I am living in hope of what might be. Tomorrow morning after I take my first slow release tablet for my ADHD. I try to convince myself I am not dreaming of miracles, and in a few days, I will just be able to do what so many non ADHD folk take for granted. That phenomenon of just being able to keep on top of caring for a home and life. Yet for the first time ever in my life I am scared to take this medication. The fears of what IT may do to my brain, and thus me. I make the choice to not go down that particular rabbit hole of angst tonight.

In the assessment with the Psychiatrist for ADHD as I recalled so much of how I was a child, teenager, and young adult.
Constant in my head comments and feedback of ..”if she concentrated more she would do so much better” (from teachers whose classes I did not enjoy), or , stopped chatting/misbehaving she would do even better (from the teachers whose classes I did really well in). I recall my German teacher sending me to the Headmasters office for my disrupting the class, and being made to sit outside the Head Masters office…because the Head Master, said he was struggling with me as I was first in the year (not just my class) and he was at a total loss. Back then in the late 70’s girls did not have ADHD so it was not even considered.

I recall in my high school being told in my economics class by a very patient teacher to go and stand outside the class room by the fire hydrant(which hung on the wall). Me being me had been making the class laugh and was disruptive… I stood by the fire hydrant on the wall, then discovered something. The class was chuckling as the teacher was writing on the blackboard with his back to them. He turned to see what the class was laughing at, followed their eyes and saw me…standing at the door of the classroom with the fire hydrant in my arms. I imagine I had a pretty smart alec look on my face. This poor teacher could do nothing and ended up laughing and telling me to put it back and to come back in and TRY to just settle down!.

Memories from my early years, with parents, being told I did not listen, that I did not pay attention. To clean up my messy room and getting into serious trouble for Not doing it.

Uni at 30 and my assignments generally left to the night before to be written up. Comments always if I had someone proofread for spelling and punctuation etc, I would have got better grades, (having gained a Distinction), you could also tell really easily which subjects I enjoyed or not.

I had many jobs and my final career as a Registered Nurse lasted for over 20 years and perhaps the fact there was some structure to being a RN, routines of patient care, medications, charts to keep a record and notes…kept me able to maintain this position especially when I stopped being in management level (which I honestly can say I am really surprised I managed to do without causing major issues). I recall when managing an aged care facility I knew I was really close to failing..things were beginning to not be working so well as changes from new owners came in. I went back to being a ward nurse and the relief I felt was massive.

I have always struggled to connect with people, somehow feeling that I just never had the key to unlock that world. I have friends, but at times it has been so hard to maintain the friendship, and over the years as I have moved many times, and as often happens friendships do not always follow, at least that has been my experience.

I am not a naturally neat person in appearance and never have been. Even as a child I was critisiced for not doing my hair..(baby fine and impossible to keep smooth) by a parent. My family was all about appearances and well I was basically always a mess, no matter how much effort I put into it. Even as a teenager, a nurse I was never well put together. I just never had the ability to look correct. I had the right uniforms, and always began clean and neat..but ..laughing. Now Well I accept it along with the bonus of where I live and my lifestyle..I fit in and very few people care about how you look or what you are wearing, a joy! I am clean but end up with stuff somehow adhering to me.

I struggled at times with bills and accounts. These days I am fine and pay them as I get them fully (I am very fortunate I can) and sometimes will pay more if I have excess such as for electricity. (actually that is the only bill I get that is quarterly). I know how fortunate I am to own my home outright and have no debts. Particularly in these scary times for so many. Australian me included are feeling the costs of food inflation, we have massive rent increases and interest rates increasing for mortgages and loans.

I feel my poor brain is wound up tonight all over the place, combined with anxieties in regard to the beginning of this new medication tomorrow morning. Even just typing that my mouth went very dry. Am I holding out so much for some miracle and what might happen if it does not? Is this how everyone as an adult who begins ADHD medication feels?

I want to document the process and impact/effects of the meds, as so often it can be so difficult at times to know or see for yourself where you have come from to where you are in a week/month year, or if you have to go off them.

It took me ages to find the anti-depressant that helped me through it was horrendous trialing several meds but wow, when I finally found the one right for me, and moved through the first 8weeks I am eternally grateful to have had it. Very happy to not need it now.

So I am two minds I’m tired, Its been a busy week so far and a busy day today for me, but I am also quite wired, and I feel just full of words and bursting to attempt to document where I am beginning from. After 60 years 60 YEARS! It feels a bit like Christmas eve as a child…the excitement of what tomorrow holds. I am so weird..I have never had this attitude to any medication before. Yet I am also filled with fear that nothing will happen. The thoughts will I feel different an hour after or two or later in the day…that night, the next day, a week is it sort of instant? Or more like the ant-depressant? Eight weeks till it kicked in. No I am not going down that rabbit hole!

You would think a RN would know. Do I google it? I should read the document I was given by the pharmacist about it but then I worry that the negative symptoms will appear, and if I don’t know what they are apart from the suggestion to not take the medication after 12noon for it might keep me awake..which is why I am beginning tomorrow and not today.

Ah well in my childhood I would get me to bed so I could get to sleep and wake up to all the possibilities that the morning may have in store. Oh yes my ADHD brain is working overtime right now…I am so thankful I did not take this tablet today!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

5

Hoarder within; Enough is enough?

(May be triggering )
How truly incredible this thing called the internet is! It is through this that I was able to discovery a online support group based on the mainland of Australia. Facilitated by those who have and are managing their hoarding I assume. It was like so many things easy for me to type in the interest in joining the support group and I was relieved when I was accepted. (not being in the state and it is a state health organisation operating the support meetings, I was unsure if I would be accepted). It turned out I am not the only interstate attendee.
Only one meeting in and it was at times a bit stilted as we all I guess dealt with our own anxieties about this meeting. My levels of anxiety were so extreme. Yet I set the alarm, and abnormally for me I had no desire to go and do anything, as in flee or not connect. My more normal response to new situations.

The fact is knowing that hoarding is a major issue in many countries, and impacts individuals, families and communities is one thing. I knew other people hoarded. I knew! Really I knew!
What I felt in meeting these other people was wow, I am not alone. I am not incompetent, I am not a failure, I am non of the things I have beaten myself up about or labelled myself; ashamed of how I Live and how I have somehow let my whole home become a place that bewilders me everyday.. and yet I manage to live in it. I make meals, I rarely eat out and the meals I make in my kitchen are fresh and tasty but I would not cook anything for anyone else…my kitchen is a hoarders, my meals do not make me ill. I wash my clothes, and dry them at present over my stair rails with the fire going, (winter here ). I can shower, and my toilets work.

The other major thing I have done, is asked for someone who specialises in helping clean and organise hoarders homes.(at least that is the blurb), I sent a message honest explaining my mental illness and I am a hoarder, how ashamed and full of anxiety I am just to ask for the quote. I received a lovely response which helps a little. I now wait for the person to contact me and hopefully make a date and time for doing the quote. Knowing that when that comes emotions will again surface and anxiety.
Being on a National Disability Insurance Scheme Pension does give me some funding for support. I did not really understand much about the support, and agreed to have house and gardening funding even though I really REALLY did not want or need it. As it was for a few hours a month. I am fortunate that my psychologist appointments are funded on the scheme. Something I will be eternally thankful for.

I ended up sending a request to my co-ordinator asking if instead of the monthly hours and cost/payment could the amount be utilised in helping me deal with the hording. My co-ordinator was so happy that I had asked for help..I am to send the quote to her and my hope is they will cover it. Now my anxiety is about how much it will cost. I have to breathe deeply as I write as I can feel myself going down the vortex of all the other what ifs, etc.

I now having made the calls, and the MASSIVE STEP to ask for help publicly announcing my situation even though I have shared with people neighbours and friends others that I am a hoarder, this, This step a business specialising in hoarding..really seriously I don’t need that I can do it
I will for my own coping mechanism have to take the person on the journey I had with a previous attempt to assist me clean my home and get rid of the ‘rubbish’ which destroyed my trust and made my hoarding worse. It is the only way for me to begin to have to trust again someone coming into my home and respectfully supporting me through a big step I know is not going to be easy. I know is going to be so bloody hard at times. But I also KNOW I am ready, I know for my mental health to continue to improve my home can not remain as it is. I can not live anymore like this, and it is so wrong for my dogs; who are not at risk or are they suffering, neglected or any other concerns anyone may have. My dogs are the highest priority in my life believe me. It is also wrong for me.

My dream is to have a plumber come in and fix my leaking kitchen pipe (not sure how many years that has been there but at least 2 or more) It is basically impossible to wash up in my kitchen. I may also be able to finally find the leak in my kitchen wall and have that fixed! Such very small things. The leaking pipe was not the reason I have become a hoarder, but my hoard is why neither of these things have been fixed. Not being able to wash up properly has let the kitchen basically become perhaps the worst room in the house. Ahhh here I go running off ahead of myself. Stop STOP..the contact with the person has not happened yet. Just for a quote. Breathe breathe.. feeling nauseous. what if the person does not ring, what if the quote is too high…breathe stop breathe. Be proud. I have asked for help. I have sought and found support. One step at a time. breathe.


blessings to You, Tazzie

10

Its all Upside Down

When you live in the other hemisphere, and many of the news stories are of the fires in Spain, France, Portugal and many other locations in Europe, that England has had Red alerts for EXTREME Heat. Knowing what that feels like, the heat and fear of bush fires(wild fires) yet; Living in my world I woke to a rather unusual sight snow on the hills across the river the lowest it has been dusting the trees on the closest hill and settling on the ground. Weather advice is for gale force winds and maximum 7dC/33.8 fahrenheit. Overnight it hit -2dC/28.4dC at 7am.
We have been cruising so far this winter, mild really, yet now mid winter as it is according to the months is making us very aware down in my valley that Winter is still here with some beauty. When you have snow so occasionally it is such a treat, even those who are stuck due to road closures do not really mind.
Here sitting inside as it is way to wet for me out in the garden. The fire is toasty the dogs have eaten their bones after a run. My heart aches for those impacted and fearful of the wildfires. I know the possibility is so real in my beautiful valley home. I have watched plumes of smoke rising seen flames just across the river, had ash falling on my home, and land, burnt leaves, thankfully not burning still. I empathise for all in these situations.

Yet even with the snow covered lower mountains, nature is doing as she does, I picked my first jonquil (damaged by the wind and broken) her scent is sublime and she is such a pure white. I have placed her in my toilet, where her natural perfume (it is a very cool room which always has an open window) and when ever I go in it is so lovely. Both in looks and perfume one flower stem is long lasting and perfumes the room so well.

The Hellebore are just flowering. This one is white with purple spotty lines inside. So lovely and best the Wallabies and possums seem to not eat it.

As dusk falls and I have tended all the animals as well my own dinner. (I eat rather early) I have the wood fire stoked and I know I am so fortunate, to live with so much and have so much. To be able to live with nature is a privilege.
I am very aware of how quickly this all may change. I hold onto the moments, and am very thankful.

blessings to You. Tazzie

5

Insight

I have had a beautiful day today until mid afternoon.
I was in my kitchen cooking, (yes I do cook in amongst my hoarders mess). I happened to look out my window and it looked like someone was standing in my paddock, which borders the road. Sometimes I can have trouble with my eyes playing tricks on me with depth of field. As I was not certain, as anyone would, I moved out side to where I could ascertain if they were on my property or not. At first I had no idea who it was and it was just about the moment I was about to ask what the fuck they were doing when I realised it was a neighbour.
Taking photos of the sky. I said Hi (instead of screaming what the hell do You think you are doing on my property), and even though I felt some disquiet about someone being on my property; knowing it was my neighbour felt better and I decided to just leave it.

As the afternoon progressed into the early evening I found myself angry and becoming fixated on a particular post (on a couple of pages ) on facebook and basically was very negative and questioning everything that the organisation did. When I wrote my own post putting my personal opinion on this organisation and all its ‘faults’, and then responding to comments I began to see I was angry and fixated. I was placing my anger in the wrong direction and I was feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I deleted all the posts and comments I was able too. The original post had been removed by either the admin or OP. I had not been abusive, or sworn it was just the person who comes out in me when I am triggered. Not an excuse I am owning up to my actions that can result from being triggered.
Taking the dogs for a walk and returning home, I was still feeling full of something, anger tension and frustration, and then I began to realise I felt violated, disrespected and a bit abused. Big sigh as I write this, and when I began to realise what was really happening.
I understand the desire to quickly grab your camera and capture the few moments of beauty, I do it myself all the time.
Difference being I respect peoples land and homes.

I really noted how bad I was feeling my anger tightness in my chest and head, I even recall saying I was feeling a headache coming on as I said hi to my neighbour. I did not remain outside and chat in a pleasant and friendly way as if I had seen her across the fence. I returned inside and finished getting my baking underway. I noted feeling so increasingly something..frustrated angry disrespected…sigh all those things. I was not OK I was struggling and had been triggered I was struggling for a while to contain the feelings. It was pressure cooker building inside of me.

I did not desire to have a face to face dealing over the matter. As in my current hyper aroused situation I would have been potentially volatile. NOT physically but certainly verbally.

I did stop, collected myself and full of nausea and heart beating so loudly I could hear it reverberating my mouth dry shoulders and hands tight I opened messenger on Facebook. I wrote the following:-
the first line was their name and it was supposed to read I was not going to say anything(my typing perhaps shows how I was feeling at the time).

Right now I do not want to know the response. I do not want to look at it, read it or have to deal with it. I am thinking it will be an apology, and then I think is that enough! Is that what I want. The real answer is NO I do not want an apology, I do not need an apology, or what ever the response will be.
I can not imagine this would have happened on someone else’s home, (of course I may be incorrect) but my feelings now are why disrespect my personal boundaries my property, my privacy, my home. I am not OK with it. I am not traveling well with it. I want YOU to hear my words, to feel what I am feeling and now to KNOW I WILL NOT ALLOW you or anyone else to do what you wish in regard to me and my home. I will worry and try not to imagine how often this may have occurred previously, and how much of my privacy is real!
That last comment hits me like I have just hit a brick wall. As well as I am and as well as I am doing off my medication I have to acknowledge I DO have a mental illness. I have to stand up for ME and MY NEEDS, regardless of what others may think or feel. I am the only person who knows what is best for my well being and what makes me content and happy.

I do not believe that valuing my personal space, my home and land as my safe and secure place is about my mental illness in total. I do believe that most people are the same. For me my home and land is like my total security, a fortress and perhaps the only place where I have control over some things. I also feel and believe most people would feel somewhat affronted in having a person just appear on their land or garden taking photos. (recall I did not know who it was for a while).
Perhaps tomorrow I will read the reply if there is one. I do fear that my neighbour may attempt to make personal contact with me and that would be another trigger for me. tonight I am not in any place to deal with face to face or written response. Tomorrow I am planning to leave take the dogs and have time away from my sanctuary. The place I come to when I feel triggered and need safety. I am struggling and am thankful I do not have any funds as I have been tempted to flee this afternoon to a dog friendly accommodation to avoid any potential face to face. Yet we are friendly we are good neighbours and they have had me over and treated me as family over the years. I do not want to loose that. I do have desire to run away..flee. I am thankful I can not. I am thankful I can post here and share this real life experience. The reality of life with CPTSD, with anxiety with my mental illness. I am so proud that off my medication I have managed to make myself find a way to express my feelings and redirect them to the appropriate situation/person. I am so happy I was able to realise what my anger and posts on Facebook were actually about. Removing them and directing a resonable message to the right person.

I am proud I have achieved so much this evening, I will try to redirect the angst I am still feeling over the what ifs and future contacts. I have not reached for high sugar simple carbohydrates to stuff the feelings and hurt down. That is something to be proud of. I am thankful I can write about this experience which is sort of a debriefing for me. I am proud in the knowledge that I have asserted myself well and wisely to the person involved.

blessings to You, Tazzie

5

Stranger at the door.

This morning I was awake early for a Saturday morning. I lay in bed watching the sunrise, and listening my two cockerels crowing. My dogs and I are sleeping on my mattress down stairs(Bubsy was not allowed to go up stairs when he had his cruciate ligament operation). He has recovered but it is cooler down stairs and I have hope I will get my bedroom painted, before the cold weather arrives.

So the three of us were on the mattress, Ms Treacle and Busby asleep; I noticed movement on the stairs on my deck and saw a small wallaby. A incredible way to begin a morning.

Good Morning what are you doing in there?

I was meeting up with someone who was giving me a mother for making Kombucha,it was a transaction to be carried out in the car park of a business in Cygnet. After my morning wake up visitor, I headed to the shower. Then the dogs went for a run. Loaded them up into the car and we headed into Cygnet.
As I was driving a grey Goshawk(which is actually white) flew up off the edge of the road, and flew in front of my car. Sadly I did not have my mobile or camera to hand. Yet sometimes the lived experience memory far outweighs the image. I can still see the bird quite a large one flying up. I imagine it’s breakfast was laying in the long grass alongside the road.
I could not help but appreciate how incredibly lucky I was.

On arrival into the small village near where I live, I saw several other folk who were ‘loitering’ at 9am on a very quiet Saturday morning in Cygnet. A vehicle pulled in and jars were handed out. We thanked the wonderful woman who was sharing her mother with us. Off we went onto our day. As I had not eaten or had a coffee at home, along with it being a truly stunning Autumn morning, I chose to have breakfast at one of the wonderful cafes in our village.

Hardly a car or person in Cygnet. 9am on Saturday morning of a long weekend.



One of the many businesses lots of local artists and creative work sold here.

It was a short walk to the cafe. We arrived and were the first outdoor customers. The Port Hole Cafe uses locally grown vegetables and all deserts are gluten free. Cater for vegans too. They do serve meat meals. Wonderful coffee and is a lovely out door area, with herbs and flowers growing around the perimeter.
As I sat waiting for my order, other people began to arrive for breakfast. Many bringing their dogs. Most eating places in town with out door areas are dog friendly. Huon Valley is a wonderful dog friendly community.

What a day to be out with your dogs.

You are supposed to have your dogs on lead in all public areas (unless other wise noted) Miss Treacle was sitting under our table in the shade. I was thrilled to meet up with two wonderful women and as the cafe began to fill enjoyed a couple of hours catching up and sharing with the ladies, meeting and greeting for my dogs, and saying hi to many people I knew. The cafe was filling up fast. I discovered it was Regatta Day and the local sailing club were conducting a race from another bay further around (quite a way ) called Kettering. This is where you catch the ferry across to the wonderful Bruny Island. The sailing club was racing from there back to Cygnet. A lot of other activities were happening. I had intended to drive down and take some photographs, alas I was running close to another meet up I had this morning. We all said our see you’s and my dogs and I went for a walk up the road and back to the car. I had to do some grocery shopping, and did this quickly. We headed home.

I had surprised myself two days before I had offered some rose hips to some one on the local crop swap Facebook page. She no longer needed them another person did. Without thinking I invited her to my place to pick as many as she liked. WOAHH no anxiety, no what if, and today no regret. I was so amazed that I did not cancel, or have somatic reactions to knowing a person I had met only a couple of times in the community was coming to my place. MY PLACE.
No one has been to my home in so long even in the garden. Especially someone I did not know very well. Yet I felt no anxiousness, of feeling of wanting to cancel of flee. It seemed strange that not one iota was present.
When the woman arrived We walked around the outside of my home, (which is not neat and tidy or beautiful to share with others), as a hoarder working to resolve this, a lot of things are waiting to be dealt with and things that I have managed to move out of the house in the last two plus weeks are waiting for a friend who has offered to help me take stuff to the tip. Two things in this paragraph seem so extraordinary to me.
Someone came to my home no anxiety, I have moved stuff to get rid of out of the house.! Only someone who is a hoarder, loves a hoarder, or is wondering if they still wish to be with the hoarder or is fed up and wants to help the hoarder get rid of the hoard.
How is this possible? As someone who has been diagnosed with CPTSD, my hoarding became another symptom of my mental illness. By having things in such a situation and way for me, (and each person who is a hoarder is dealing with their own issues and recovering is a very individual experience). You can not MAKE a hoarder change, You can not get rid of the Hoarders ‘hoard or rush the individual. As frustrating as that seems, we are fragile. The hoard whilst not necessarily valuable or as in my case in the best of condition or even seemingly rational to other people, even those closest to the person who is hoarding. For me cardboard and newspapers were a huge thing, my carport is full of cardboard boxes. They are for my garden but when they were coming into the house and taking up space and growing, that was a huge problem. I managed to get them outside and for me, now, I know I will be using them for the garden over the next few months Autumn and Winter. My visitor saw all this, she saw the two arm chairs outside and other items making my drive area what it is. I felt ok with that.
There are two boxes in my living room at the moment and they are being filled with smaller bits and pieces that need to be moved outside to be taken to the tip

I am so happy so incredibly happy I have been saying for months to my previous GP, that I was feeling like my starter motor would not turn over. This GP disagreed saying I was not motivated. I was flawed by this insensitive comment. I responded to her, I have managed to have a shower, get in my car and drive 70km/ 44miles one way to this appointment. I am motivated. I want to get into my home…I cant’.

I left this GPs office and was fortunate that at this moment the GPs closest to me was taking new patients. It was meant to be.

If you have not read previous posts in regard to my accidental cold turkey coming off Desvenalfaxine (Pristiq), one month ago today. I do not recommend it, I have been incredibly fortunate with my withdrawal process. You really need to do it with support and being taken off it slowly.
I am still experiencing odd symptoms of withdrawal.

The importance of having someone I don’t really know come to my home and see how it really is was horrifying to me, the hoard meant no one came to visit, it kept /keeps me safe and no one comes into my home, or garden. Yet today they did, and it was wonderful. Not to feel anxious but to enjoy sharing about her garden and small business (she and her hubby grow organic veggies and salad mix sell it to the cafe I had breakfast at and other places). I shared with her that I was a hoarder and working towards recovery, a very slow process. That was all that was shared about it. we just chatted as she picked the rose hips. In exchange I received three organic eggplants/aubergines. I have not regretted even now as evening approaches her coming here. I have not felt sick in my stomach. I have felt thankful that my starter motor is kicking over.
I am glad I did not believe or agree with what my previous GP thought. For me after several years on the medication that saved my life and I am eternally grateful for it. I am through a lot of hard work and emotional distress anguish thanks to my wonderful Psychologist who has ensured that I remain on her books even when I could not afford to pay for her services(she bulked billed for me); has seen me able to have the same psychologist (as a low income earner for three + years). Prior to this I would see one for so many weeks there contract would not be renewed another would come along and I would have to start again with them, this actually I really believe made my mental health worse.

I understand not many are as fortunate as I have been in this situation. I also know it is very early days in my medication free life of a person with a diagnosed mental illness. I am just trying to eat as well as I can; which as a hoarder this is not always easy, and I not always brilliant at it. My kitchen is pretty much at the moment a state of disarray, and whilst I can prepare some things; I have been working on the kitchen. I have a floor space that has basically nothing covering it piled up a couple of inches. It is floor boards I am walking on. Things so many things have been thrown out that had been on the floor and well might be able to be saved/fixed..nope my mind now is I have been walking on this shit for a long time, (fluctuated over the course of time ).

Today started out so beautifully and as the sun sets here in southern Tasmania at 19:32 the days are drawing in, it is a clear sky and it will be a crisp night. I Love Autumn/fall. I will be going to sleep with a sense of peace. Amazing. It is so hard to explain when nearly every thing about your life when exposed to others can be so triggering and to not have that experience at all today or now made the beautiful start go all day and I feel my dreams will be peaceful.

I am thankful that there are people clever enough to work on medications that can help people such as myself get through the roughest patches. I am thankful that I am strong enough now to listen to my own voice about my mental health. I am thankful for the fact the withdrawal symptoms are lessening. I am thankful that I have a new GP who has really taken the time in the three appointments each over 40minutes bulk billed(health care card holder) to get to know me, what I have been dealing with and where and what is happening for me now. She also has spoken with my psychologist (with me permission very happily given ) and is now comfortable with where I am at to follow up in a month. (to begin with and it must be hard to meet someone first time who is coming off antidepressant cold turkey and tells you that is how it will continue. ). She was somehow concerned I may be suicidal (no matter how much I reassured her I was not. I was seeing her weekly.. for three weeks. So I did have her support for the last three weeks coming off the antidepressants. I am so fortunate and so very thankful.

my soul and heart ache for all people who are going through horrendous conflict /war situations, those who are loosing their jobs and now must survive in Russia with prices rising rapidly. Those who are defending their countries/communities in all conflicts around the world. For those who are griveing for all they have lost family friends livelihoods, pets, homes, everything. There are no words none. It does not help you I understand. I really can not do anything to help but donate money and hope it gets to organisations that will ensure all or the majority of it gets to those who need it!.

I know I am rich beyond words. I know I live in an incredibly safe place, and Have more than I need.
may you all be safe, Tazzie

3

Pt 6 Withdrawal experience with a look at my garden and what is happening.

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.


Day 15. I know some of my readers have been missing my ‘normal posts’. I have been thinking about this a lot; I woke up this morning I decided to share my garden as it is right now. Heading towards the end of summer here where I live in the Tasmania’s Southern most Council in Australia.
I can not explain how different I am to how I was just three weeks ago. I am one very lucky woman, I as any of you have been reading my withdrawal posts know am doing cold turkey of the medication. Not deliberately but through situational a comedy of errors so to speak. You can read about that here https://wordpress.com/post/echidna.home.blog/7015

My vegetable garden is a sad representation of its normal self. A combination of how I was feeling on my medication, Busby my larger dog having a Cruciate Ligament operation, and no rain since December/very early January has impacted a lot.
My deck garden has been cared for and I am learning so much what I can grow on it and the possibilities for next spring and summer. I am planning and have planted seeds with the aim to have beets, carrots, brassicas and a few other bits and pieces from my deck.

Carrot seeds
Flowers
Very sad salvia
Red cabbage (i think)
Hydragena
Unknown brassica
Unknown seedling in a failed lemon tree pot I have put in be see

My front entrance garden is basically just dirt. I have watered and fed it, the fact that my garden is one of the very few now in my area that is accessible and provides the native and non natives food and greens along with seeds and my veggie waste sees the front of my home at times a bit like Dr Doolittle’s or at least how I imagine it.

What I am finding as such a positive change is that I am just doing it. I am just getting into clearing mess and dirt including much to my mortification mice droppings and the odd dead one. So far no more nests. Today I began in the kitchen. The floor was/is revolting. I am so please that I have removed so much dirt and mice mess. I went into one of my storage cupboards where I have tinned items. Discovering that mice love labels, I am thankful that they have left parts of at least one, and I know that I stored them in like with like. I will have a few exciting unknown tins. Most of these are beans or tomatoes. I have not done any preserving/bottling of any sort this year. Knowing I had quite a lot of tinned items I had purchased over the last few years on top of the things I had made last year and the year/s before. I am old enough to not care about dates on tinned or jar purchased items. Similar with dried beans. I was taught by my Gran what to look for in bad or suspect tins.

I am set for Autumn and Winter lovelies. I actually feel I could live on my pantry stores for the whole of winter and only have to purchase flour, fresh veggies I might need, meat and dog food. So incredible to have this. I feel so wealthy. I also have plenty of fresh herbs, spices, and if I can ever discover where my hens are laying their eggs, I imagine as last year the dogs and I had enough eggs for our own needs over winter.

It is so hard to attempt to explain to others, that I am beginning to feel like the memories I recall off before my breakdown and how I felt. I need to reassure you that I had ups and downs back then as any normal person. I also experienced bouts of depression over the years with the extremes that implies.

What I am incredibly aware of is the possibility is ever present that once off my medication and completed the withdrawal process, there is always a chance I will need to go on medication.

The difference for me now to previous is I have changed my thinking process. I have worked through and continue to work through the feelings and life issues that created what I have lived with for way too many years. No contact with those who abused and neglected me throughout my life was the biggest intentional change along with telling them they were not welcome in my home ever again.
I am also privileged and am very very aware of how fortunate I have been to be seeing at now cost to me ever the same psychologist for several years perhaps four. Someone I respect greatly because as anyone who has mental health illness is aware so often, especially when you are on low income or as I was and remain on Government support. Your psychologist/counsellor/psychiatrist seems to change regularly. Which for me in the past has been detrimental and to have to begin again sees me avoid the whole process. It was also the problem of not connecting with quite a few of the psychologists over the years. I am not one for lectures and homework, goal setting or those positive/mindful platitudes that so many folk have seemed to feel helpful for my mental illness and getting well. If they work for you great. Treatment for mental health illnesses are as varied as the individuals experience of the illness.
Under the Disabilty pension I am on now I have access to the National Disablity Insurance Scheme gives me a certain amount of financial access to support and service to enable me to live my life. I am able to continue to see my psychologist. I pay nothing for this and I am able to see her every 3 weeks. We have been Zooming since COVID. I am appreciative as I do not have to do a return trip to Hobart every 3 weeks a round trip of almost 200kms. We are also currently paying over $1.85AUD/1.34 USD/ 1GBP/1.19euro per liter/0.26th gallon(1 gallon is equal to 3.74 litres, so one gallon of petrol cheapes andlowest rated in Australia cost $6.92AUD/$5.00USD) so for the cheapest petrol pump your own. The petrol station in Cygnet(closest village to me) has a full service petrol station. I am not aware of the price there but is several cents a litre more expensive. Oops of on a tangent. I will have a face to face appointment in a few months probably.

For me I am delighted with how I am feeling, and doing things, even with the negative withdrawal symptoms of coming suddenly off Desvenalfaxine/Pristiq. There are some that continue such as joint and muscle pain, and short shape pains like a needle prick regularly. I am still a little dizzy at times and or light headed. I am no longer nauseous. I still feel cold often and no my iron levels and all other vitamin levels that impact your body feeling cold nor am I menopausal. We are having warm humid weather summertime here!. I put it down to withdrawing. I continue to not be hungry and eating simple but pretty healthily. I cooked a whole chicken and generally eating a chicken wrap with salad. Nuts and some apples from last year. (new seasons coming Yipee). Or as tonight I made a beef laska from my left over roast.
I have to really work at myself to get to bed at good time for me. Lights out no later than 10:30pm. Preferably earlier.

As the withdrawal symptoms play around with me, I know that considering I stopped cold turkey I have been very fortunate with how little they have really impacted me. For this I am so appreciative. I know that I am one of the lucky ones so far with my experience of sudden withdrawal.

blessings to You, Tazzie


7

Pristiq (Desvenalfaxin) Withdrawal P5

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 13
I have not slept now for over 40 hours. I have had a lovely day today. I met up with a friend and had a coffee. Took the dogs for a walk down near Port Huon and had lunch at bakery in Geeveston I went shopping at the Tip Shop looking for items I can begin to paint and mosaic.
It is not good. I have been on a bit of a spending spree. No regrets, and I did pay for 5 new tyres outright. I have had to force myself to get stop watching the news from so many countries in regard to that war. Have I eaten well today ahhh not really. Fruit vegies, eggs and a lot of icecream and sugar.

I was triggered and reacted. Driving through Huonville (the largest town in my area) I slowed down to let traffic get out of a really horrible intersection onto the highway. The older guy probably my age, but I’M not old; came right up behind me, even though he had been several car lengths behind me, and HOOOONKED his horn..it worked well he should be very proud.
I had let the two cars onto the highway, and began to drive off in the southward direction I was heading in. The owner of the horn, tail gated me. Well not liking his bullying tactics, his impatience and his just arrogance, I slow down to 40km /25milesP/H approx. It was a 50km/31MPH speed limit and he honked me again. As I was approaching the 80km/50mph speed sign I just enjoyed my leisurely travel at 58km/36MPH speed. Enjoying the scenery of the river, and thinking about how much I will miss seeing this view as a new housing development.suburb is being built and will most likely block the view. I continued driving relaxed and singing along to one of my faviourite artists. Sitting on the 60km/37MPH speed. A lovely drive able to observe all the homes, and how many blackberries were on the bushes, if there were any wild apple trees loaded with ripening fruit tempting me to stop at on the way home.

So relaxed. I did look in the rear view mirror surprised to see my old proud Horn man still behind me. Nah I knew he was still there. I kept on driving looking at the scenery and enjoying a leisurely outing with my dogs. It is a very pretty drive along the Huon River. Quite a winding road. I sang along to my artist on the CD(yep Im old). I was very chillaxed.
I noticed the tip shop/tip on the way and decided to stop in on the way home. On we drove. My man with the Horn behind me, a little too close I felt but then he was wanting to go around me I am certain.
Oh dear other vehicles coming towards us on the broken white line (where he could over take me).
I have to be honest I did have a lovely chuckle at this.
Onwards I drive, thinking about just what a lovely morning I am having really enjoying my day so far.
The dogs were chilled. A mindful drive, relaxed and observing. Perfect.

Another opportunity for my horny friend to be able to get around me coming up. I could see he was getting his speed up and I am not a nice woman…I chuckled more vehicles coming towards us where he could have gone around me easily.

A while later my mate had pulled of the road. Perhaps frustrated enough to call the police. I do know he took a photo of my cars rear end with rego plate. It would not give any idea of the speed, and my car needs a wash, she is not looking her best.

I just kept driving at the speed I had been, sure there had been a bit of a line up behind me, and several cars over the course of the next several opportunities to overtake did so safely and responsibly. All the while I had not increase my speed. As I say I was really enjoying the leisurely pace. I was not doing it out of annoyance at Mr Proud Horn. I was enjoying my drive. After 23kms/14miles. I turned off the highway into the Geeveston shopping precinct. Popped in to a new aquaintance I had met at Christmas times bakery, that had been opened only two weeks. A huge slice of quiche, and an apple turn over in my bag and back into the car. Thinking where next. Return home but first I would pull in at Port Huon park and go down near the sailing club. Let the dogs out for a wee and sniff as I ate the tasty delicious, Huge piece of quiche just looking up the river, at the gray clouds and mist where Huonville was hiding under. Satiated back into the car next stop the tip shop. (locals take their rubbish if they do not have pick up) and items they do not want to anymore and the tip shop sells them.

After doing my quibbling over price, and delighted with it, paid my bill and homeward bound. Me singing along to my CD and Miss Treacle perhaps trying to stop me from singing with her paw. Home fed the chooks and the dogs.
I began to do some painting which I was enjoying. I was trying to just let go and not be tight in my body as I painted. I Like what I did and am excited to feel like and acting on being creative.
Tomorrow I am feeling that I will do some work on sorting out and getting rid off stuff, along with cleaning. Just a small area I have in my mind. Achievable.

Symptom wise, so anger (was I angry at the guy for honking) Personally i feel more that it was to do with his impatience. I did not scream or yell at him or any situation or creatures at all today.
Is that an improvement? I want to think it is.
Light headedness, but that is probably more about not sleeping for 24 hours at that point.
I have an inablity to switch off the computer and go to bed.

I have no stabbing zappy feelings in my hands, feet, legs, arms anymore. My joints have been quite sore as to my muscles. I am still experiencing personal thermostat challenges.

My mind is slowing tonight. I guess exhaustion will assist with that. Have I said no burping or nausea at all. Even feeling as I do, I am much happier with how I feel and not sure how to word this but how I AM doing things. Happy to do a small area of my kitchen tomorrow , if more happens wonderful. My goals are not high in this process. Takes off the need to alphabetise, put all my clothes in colour co-ordinated runs.

I am so so happy I have insight into what this is apart from withdrawal (sudden) off Desvenalfaxine.

I also feel as if my lability is not as prominent. I have not cried more than once today. I am not so happy about the volume of food I consumed today or more so its less than healthy way of eating.

I have had trouble with finding words I am looking for, and my feet are freezing right now, so painful that my broken toe is throbbing. Reminder it is Summer here in Tasmania (well all of Australia).

One thing I have found really strange is the volume of water I am drinking. I have recently had fasting and the other blood test to check for all diabetes and was great for both. My blood pressure was wonderful for me.

I am thankful that I did not get angry when triggered. I was mischievous but so relaxed.

blessings to You, Tazzie.



4

Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

2

Withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine continues. P2

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 10: Wow am I all over the place today.
I broke my toe about 9am yes definitely broken, its taped to my other toe and hurts like hell and if i move it wrongly I feel ill. Did not cry when I did it yelled and screamed for bit.
for any new readers I have CPTSD and am a hoarder. I am hoping to be able to say recovering hoarder as I have spent several hours today cleaning and throwing things out. I have wooden floor visable for the first time in a few years in my living space. I also found two places where mice were making nests. Foiled them nests gone. I am proud of myself as it was done with no effort, no planning. I just wanted to do it. I have been wanting to begin for months and had been saying so to my psychologist and my previous GP (the one who was 140km round trip away who told me I lacked motivation). I tried to explain to her I did not lack motivation. I was not able to do this!
As I do this I am struggling still to get rid of items. Yet I am proud of myself that I have thrown away quite a few items that I have held on too or that were damaged. I am noting I am getting better at the concept if its been on the floor and I have been walking on it or stacked stored in a pile of stuff for several years and I have not used it. Why keep it.
I have been spending money on things I have wanted to do creative activities with. I have wanted to get these things for so long and well yesterday I just did it. I felt joy.
I am eating fairly healthy.
I went out last night for a wine evening and lovely dinner. It was brilliant and I enjoyed being with my friend and being with 30 others but was very happy to return home after 2 1.2 hours a great meal and wonderful wine (tasted 14different wines from sparkling whites roses to reds. Ended with a small tequilla. (i love tequllia). I am not a big wine drinker or actually alcohol drinker at all and this is a monthly evening I have been a member of for several years. (my one real social event ).

I washed a load of clothes hung them out in the beautiful sunshine and bought them in.

I left my two dogs outside for a bit too long unsupervised thinking the chooks would have gone to bed. Sadly I heard chickens screeching, and as fast as I could hobble I went outside realising what was on. In the past I got so angry at Busby. I was annoyed, because he would not stop chasing this one hen. (he gets fixated and it is impossible almost to break his fixation) once I knew the hen was safe got him to hear me and go inside. I was not anywhere near as angry as I have been in the past at him. It was my fault I left him outside too long. My error.

I am teary, right now. Have just questioned the meaning of friendship to those who are my friends on facebook, since not one person I have as a friend and I only have people I really know and have known for several years as friends. As I had not been on Facebook for 10 weeks. So questioning the whole friend thing. Not really sure what I am expecting. Not sure why I wrote on Facebook bizzare.

I have no real idea how much longer withdrawal is going to take perhaps several weeks more. I have to see my new GP on Thursday. She seemed to have the idea I may have been wanting to self -harm. I kept saying this is the furthest away from my situation. I am so glad to wake up everyday, I am content in my discontent. I have asked my psychologist who was sending information to the new GP to please somehow ensure she is aware that I am not in anyway considering self harm or suicide.

I guess I am on a weird roller coaster of unkowns right now. Withdrawal off this medication symptoms are all over the place. I remain light headed and dizzy at times; even lying down go figure. I have nauseous feelings less but still there as is the body temperature fluctuations. Sleep once I get to sleep is heavy and the last two nights nightmare free. The anger I was experiencing earlier is not so pronounced. Though it would not surprise me if it flared out in a trigger situation.
I am very aware that I seem to be a bit all over the place in my writing tonight and my mind is certainly running fast. Is it a withdrawal symptom to feel almost a bit manic? My mind is racing and my thoughts are a bit all over. I feel like I want to just keep getting on with de-hoarding, so full of energy inside. Yet at the same time a sense of weariness. I am now beginning to worry that all of a sudden I will stop sorting my house… that thought distresses me. My toe is beginning to throb, so pain relief tablet due and bed I feel.

I am so thankful to be getting my house a bit better. I am thankful my chook is physically unharmed.
blessing to You, Tazzie

4

A lovely day to have a panic attack.

How are you? Me? I am plodding along. Its Thursday evening here 18:46 the sky is filled with grey clouds. The sailing club is out racing and the hills along the river are so green and water filled that it is beyond belief that they can possibly hold anymore water. Yet we are forecast more very wet weather here in my valley. It has been amazing in the spring garden and the bulbs and fruit trees have blossomed so vibrantly. We seem to be having three-four days of very heavy rain and colder temperatures and tomorrow and Saturday are forecast to be single digit (Celcius) maximums. So I have just put some dry (as in not wet) but very dry (as in not green) wood ready to if need by light the fire in the morning. Snow forecast down to 600m(1967f) tomorrow in some areas too. Up to 40mm (1.6 inches) rain forecast in my valley.
The preceding days were gorgeous, blue skies, still and hot. Lovely. I was working in the garden removing black berries roots and vines that were bursting into tendrils wrapping themselves about the chook runs fence and about one of my hazelnut bushes. Makes for very risky picking. Chuckle.
Have you ever tried to dig out blackberry roots by hand? Oh my did my shoulder neck arms hands and fingers ache last night. It was a good ache and I slept so soundly. (which as one of the very lucky people in the world is not unusual for me). It was the sleep of having been doing hard slog! (physical work) I am extremely out of practice in that. I was covered in mud as the soil even after two days of dry weather was very wet.

I must say it was delightful to be able to have lunch on my deck with my two besties in the wonderful sunshine yesterday, listening to the birds, and watching the birds bathe in the bird bath.

I do believe in the power of sunshine and physical exercise as being extremely important for my mental illness. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) along with physical well being. What is really hard for many people to truly understand mental illness along with those physical illnesses that do not have symptoms that can be seen is that those like myself can seem to be fine on the out side and yet be dealing with a lot just to be present out and about.

For example I went to pick up a package today from my little towns post office. I had been and attended to other things in town that morning along with taking the dogs for a walk in town enjoying the sunshine. I was chatting to the staff member and she was assisting me with a problem that had occurred; an item I had received at the post office a few days before had not been in the package. It had been packed but the package had torn. I had struggled to get in touch with Australia Post to see if the item missing had been located. I had spent ages on the phone 16 attempts to get through, which frustrated me. I had also attempted to contact the correct area via the Australia Post website. To be told that oops something went wrong, and to try back in a few minutes. I tried numerous times over the next few hours. Each time having to go through the complete process. Again I was feeling quite annoyed now. The good thing here is I was able to accept the problems as frustrated as I was and just emailed the Federal Government Minister who is in charge of Australia Post as a communication method for Australians, owned by the Government.

I may be seen as a Karen, but I wrote a very honest and factual email of the situation.

So the kind lady at my Post office was helping and contacted the people who bring the mail from the main sorting area in a suburb of Hobart to see if they had found anything. In the middle of this I found myself having a panic attack, sweats, heart palpitations and hands shaking. Oh how I dislike this, but it is much better than uncontrolled anger which has been an issue in the past a symptom of my CPTSD. So thankful for the improvement in my responses, from working with my Psychologist.

What does any of this have to do with the sunshine. I am not totally sure, laugh. I do know of course the importance of vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) a form of depression experienced in winter time when sunshine is very short supply here in Tasmania.

I do not have the answers I just am finding what works for me. Of course it is different for everyone. What I found lovely at the Post Office staff were so kind offering a drink of water. I am not sure but having a panic attack over the fight response is perhaps a more positive? solution. I am still very much a work in practice.

Coming home I filled the bird baths, fed the chooks and went to collect eggs, only to find…. in my veggie garden..

Well I feel relived that Henny is healthy, and well my hope is that they are three hens? What are the chances?

A lovely end to the day.

blessings to You, Tazzie






4

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started