It really feels like summer has arrived here in my beautiful island home. It has taken a bit of time, but I was eating some raspberries and a peach(not my own as yet they are not quite ripe) The juice of the peach running down my arm delicious. I get them from a local orchard when mine are not ready. The raspberries were raspberryie , I am sort of feeling I am not so keen on them these days. I leave my self open to change my mind.

I needed to get a few things milk and bread, the chicken necks I ordered for my dogs, and felt like visiting one of my favourite cafes. Great out door area and well priced large selection of food, and super coffee. Super dog friendly. Here in the valley where I live most cafes are dog friendly. It is such a delightful way to meet people if you are a dog lover. It is a place that is for me somewhere I can go be social and have a laugh with the wonderful staff, and meet up with some other dog owners, and have some terrific chats, and laughter. I did the shopping taking the dogs for a walk after and then sat for an hour had something to eat and a coffee. The dogs had lots of pats and water.

Since my breakdown five years ago, my mental illness has thrown some challenges at me. Things I never had problems with before. I love meeting people in small groups, and really prefer one or two people to talk with. I have been to functions and , and no one will know I am struggling and worrying about all sorts of things. I have learned to be accept this new part of me. I am very selective of where I go, and I really hate leaving my dogs. I do, and we all survive, and I usually have a pleasant time, yet am so exhausted after it. It is even stranger as I can come across as the life of the gathering. It is part act and pushing myself to not isolate myself totally. Though I would like to live up a hill at the end of the road, with just nature about me. My dogs and just venture down every now and then. I have wonderful neighbours, here. It is just more and more orchards have gone and farms being subdivided and people moving in have lots more money than most of the long time residents in the area.

oOps that was a side track down a pathway I did not expect! So the summer arrived, the shopping was done, dogs were hot and the day was awesome! Easy decision the off lead walk it was popular and my guys had a ball, as You can see by all the dogs, and people. No problems just dogs having a lot of fun.

It was a lot of fun watching all the antics of this well socialised group of dogs. On the other side a family with two wee ones were paddling and loving splashing in the river. You can see kayaks in the distance. The boat tied up to the wharf sigh…

This person was so rude, he pulled into the wharf diesel engine going fair enough has to moor. Time passes people are coughing because of the diesel fumes, the family with the little ones begins to get them out and dried off. five minutes and still the vessel is not moored? Me being me, and hating the fumes (as everyone else was.) yells out to be heard over the engine, could he turn the engine off. Basically it was a no..I explained there were little kids our dogs and us, and the fumes were really bad. 10minutes and still this person has not managed to tie his boat to the wharf. Everyone had left but me and my dogs.

I know I have been triggered when I open my mouth and say hmmm moron must stand for someone who can’t moor their boat. I add how incompetent and rude he is for spreading the fumes for so long! I cant stop myself, I am angry at how little concern he had for the kids, the dogs and us. (I stayed because my dog was swimming enjoying himself.)

Not surprisingly the situation deteriorated his i presume wife of partner and son, are just keeping their heads down. he is getting in their way as he throws what he sees as insults, I must be a lonely old spinster with no kids, and just all alone no friends, because he knows all about me, he just knows. So I just smile and say well you know nothing about tying up a boat, its still not tied and the motor is still going! I had seen them leave their mooring about 1km car distance up the river. I hear him say that his engine has a problem It looks to me like this guy uses his boat maybe once a year over the Christmas new year break, Me in full trigger response (not angry) but just in baiting him verbally in a pleasant tone every time he responds , Gee what kind of person has his most prized people on a boat that he has not had serviced or checked before taking it out? you get the way it went. Not proud of myself it was juvenile he was baiting right back, much to his wife’s annoyance. They ended up mooring the boat finally and engines off. Perhaps the diesel fumes had contributed to my behaviour. His wife and son leave in a vehicle.

He at one point said you must be mental , and my response yes I do have a mental illness. That stopped him and this lovely person says, well than just jump in the river and drown yourself save the world from you. (did not bother me as I am not well enough but to say that to anyone let alone someone who has just told you they do have a mental illness is wrong .)

If he had stopped then and just left it I am sure I would have too. But no he now rings the police, I have been sitting watching my dog try and catch little fish in the water, my little dog next to me (she was trying to get me to stop she leans into me and looks at me trying to get eye contact, but when I am triggered its no good. too late.

So this guy comes off his boat walks down the wharf and past where we are sitting, my large dog is next to me, at this point too. This large tall man, is saying in loudly that he is being verbally assaulted, (well I have to own that I was badgering him so that is sort of factual). I accept responsibility for that and will take what comes. However he then goes on to say I have a huge Pitbull! (now I know all pitbulls are not bad but that is what he is indicating) mY dog is not a pitbull. He is big. ) that this dog is terrorising him and he is really frightened of what it is going to do? Seriously! He sounds like he is about to break into sobs, (my dog has not been near him until he walked past us!) He ends the call, looks directly at me with a huge smile on his face and says something along the lines of got you! I know I have a mental illness but this person is just nasty! I now have to stay and wait for the police as this person has taken my number plate and come back down the wharf as I am upset by what he said, and told him what a despicable person he is, I am still sitting down, he is videoing me on his phone, and I am just saying that I hope he is getting some lovely shots as it is such a lovely day, and he is mouthing stuff at me he than pushes the phone right almost into my face. WTF, I swipe it away. He nearly dropped it! If looks could kill! He walks off and says why dont you just f k off! I ignore him. I just sit with my dogs swinging my legs singing silly songs about his incompetence not super loudly .. (hindsight is brilliant he could have beaten the shit out of me) . He is now emptying what looks like filthy oil into containers and again walks up and down the wharf past my dog that is terrifying him! He does that twice. He then sees the police coming.

Two officers, one speaks to me the other to him. I tell him yes the fumes pissed me off, especially because there were wee kids in the water and he did not care. That he was incompetent at mooring and I told him so, yes probably not the best thing to do I know officer. I then explained about my PTSD and the fumes seemed to have triggered me. both my dogs had said hello to the officer. I also told him about me saying I did have a mental illness (this scum said you must be mental) and then he told me that I should drown myself. The other officer and the piece of human scum he was talking to were off the wharf. They finished and both came over, this piece of human scum now sort of acted really scared of my dog and sidled along the far edge of the wharf? (so glad I had videoed everything after he called the police.)

The other officer says do I have collars and leads for my dogs, I replied yes officer but this is a designated off lead area and my dogs are under my control which is what the law requires. He than said that this ‘man’ had shown him a ripped part of his jeans, and that had marks under it and told him that my dog had bitten him!! YOU have to be kidding! What kind of scum does this, lies to a police officer. I obviously looked stunned. I could feel my mind going in a direction and battled not to dissociate. I said my dog is a gentle sook, he is big, but the only time he went anywhere near this ‘man’ was once he walked up along the wharf on the opposite where the boat was, the man was in side doing something. The only other times were when he was carrying his oil off he walked by us four times and when you told him to go with you.

I tired to say I had photos showing that my dog had been around other people and dogs before this all happened. The police officer said well he told me your dog bit him and his jeans are torn. So I am really starting to feel weird I begin breathing deeply and the officer that talked to me, said tell this officer what you told me. I must have looked like I was going to be ill of faint, I could not have told him anything if he had offered me a million dollars. The other officer told him about my complex PTSD and that I was triggered by the fumes, and the fact that little kids were in the water being covered in them and breathing them. That this ‘man’ did not care! that upset me.

I said if I could have stopped myself I would have, I was not proud of my role in it. BUT My dog never got close enough to him except when he was walking by with the oil containers. I also said I would have accepted if I had been charged with something for my part seemed fair under the circumstance. BUt to say my dog bit him! I showed the photos and the video, the photos helped but he said that it did not show the hole episode. I was so up set that not only did he lie but he bought my dog into it and if charges were laid he would be declared a dangerous dog! I also told the officer, if this man had dog bit on his leg it would be interesting, as my boy has a huge over bite. I showed him. Now during all of this my dog is off lead still walking around the police and me down to the water and back. My little one was I think near me but I had sort of lost focus on her sigh. No charges I feel that they may having seen the photos and spent time with my dog seen that he was not in anyway threatening or aggressive. I was wanting to stay, (my heightened response from the attack of my dog by him) the nicer of the two police spoke with me and I realised leaving was better for me and my dogs.

Underneath I was so bewildered that someone would do that. I did mention that he had videod me up close and my rego response was it is a public place. I was resigned to that. I did ask the officer who was going to speak to the peice of scum if he was lying about being bitten by my dog. the stuff on his phone was deleted. but he still said my dog bit him.

I fixated on it, (another part of my illness) and since it was not illegal to take photos or videos in public, I decided to post this piece of scums photos on all the local face book community pages. Explaining in full and as factually what the police had asked me and told me and the episode of verbal baiting, I wanted other people to know that he lied about my dog, and if he decided he did not like you he could do it again. I can only imagine if he made the ‘bite look worse’ and I had been charged, with assault by my dog. I knew all the trolls and people who like to just attack would be out in force. But it did get his face out there and people who understand and see what I am most distressed about that he told someone with a mental illness to kill themselves and that IS NOT OK, and he lied about my dog. I am so thankful I had been taking photos. I

several hours after I posted to face book, I get a call from the police. This piece of scum told them about the posts all over facebook, and wanted them to get me to take them down. that the piece of scum had deleted my photos. I said I appreciated that they were trying to mediate, and for me the fact he told a person who had told him they had a mental illness to kill themselves, and he told the police my dog bit him, which is a lie made him a danger to other owners of dogs and to people with a mental illness. The police officer said perhaps not the best way to handle the situation, and I said what other redress do I have ? He is a liar who tears their own jeans and lies to the police. Some one much more ill than I am. He knows it has been out there in the community his face. He also knows the truth.

I will always say it is not OK to tell someone to kill themselves! Anyone who does is scum. The fact this scum could not get at me any other way than by attempting to have my dog labelled dangerous shows him for who he really is!

I want to end this post saying I am moving through this episode, it has left a feeling of nausea in my stomach, but it will pass. I am so glad I am in a position I am able to understand why I do what I do, when I am triggered. It is almost impossible to explain that the very thing you are doing is part of a mental illness and if you could stop it you would. The episode has shown me for the first time a smell can trigger me. I should not be surprised. I am happy that I am able to see what my response is and I will continue sharing my story as I am not ashamed of having a mental illness. I work everyday at ways to move through and not overwhelmed and reactionary. I move forward ever forward. Small steps, tiny steps. I feel that one of the real turning points for me was learning that my reactions, my dissociation, blank periods throughout my life, all have empowered me to live! I am alive and happy to wake up each day. Even knowing that some end up like today. I own my feelings, my behaviour, I say I have a mental illness. I am actually weirdly glad I had my breakdown. I am more the real me today, than I was yesterday. Not trying to fit in, to be as others expected, think I should. I am OK this is just a small lesson. I am not fixating, (um at least I have stopped posting his photo everywhere on Facebook. I have not posted it here. I am not responding to the trolls on my posts, or anyone. I have said what I wanted, it impacted this scum enough to call the police. Tomorrow is another day. A glorious hot day, I am thankful that I can keep coolish, that I am still moving forward, thankful for my dogs.

Tazzie