Category: #adhd brain

Cinderella in disguise time to take a holiday

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to dinner where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication (thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals

From my ADHD medication. WHAT? I have only been on it a short while true, and it did come as a bit of left field for me when my GP suggested it. The logic was that it would allow me to see and remind myself of how I function on and off..me well its only be a month I sort of remember very well Doc!
She went onto say that as I had discovered for me that varying my time of when I take my longer acting medication helped me with anxiety, enabled me to actually make it to functions, such as the Mad hatters Dance we had to celebrate Winter Solstice this year, that I made it too though I was an hour early for my duties. If I had not gone when the urge hit and it was no issue rather than wait another hour the potential was I may not have made it at all. Which would have been horrible as it was a brilliant fun night. It made no difference to how I did my job nor did it upset anyone or anything me being an hour early.
Similarly I was invited to a gathering where I only met the hosts twice, and a couple who are my friends were going, I was really uncertain as to going to this dinner. It had been so long since I had been invited to a dinner. I decided to go, and like the Mad Hatters Dance I took my medication at about 3pm instead of first thing in the morning. This helps me to get to the function, and reduces anxiety to a really low level. Both evenings were great fun, and I really enjoyed myself; turned out the other guests at the dinner were people I sort of know so far less scary than if unknown people. It was not far from my home so I chose to leave my dogs at home for both functions. Normally if I go out they come with me and stay in the car which generally works well for us all. They love driving home after in the dark and seeing all the wildlife.

I left the dance at about 9pm I just knew I needed to leave and as this was a large function with a wonderful jazz band and lights, I was really overstimulated and weary. The dinner on the other hand a small group and again I really enjoyed myself, loosing track of the time totally. Another couple were chatting and saying they should leave as their older dog would need to go out and this hit a nerve with me as Miss Treacle 15y old also would be needing the same. I asked the time and it was after midnight, (yep sounding like I am Cinderella here folk), and my brain just kicked into overdrive. I had to leave I had to leave, I knew she would have had an accident and I was blaming myself and massively worried about her and Busby. My dogs are my world they are the reason I am still here on the planet for which I am eternally grateful they gave me a reason to get up and to live during my darkest days, I now am so delighted to wake every day..no matter how it may turn out.

Focus Tazzie..So the adrenaline kicked in my brain was in hyper-drive and I knew I was having a panic attack. I had to leave right now RIGHT NOW. I just went to my car no saying thank You for a lovely night to my hostesses, or bye to anyone. Just straight to my car and then WHAMMO, I was parked in!
SHIT GOT BAD. I actually wet myself. I was mortified and so embarrassed, but this is the truth of how bad this panic attack was. I now definitely could not go back to the dinner guests or hostesses and say thanks and could the car blocking me be moved. I began to hyperventilate cry and rub my head and forehead so hard I actually rubbed skin off. I was sitting in my car in wet jeans, its wintertime and I have to get out and I CAN NOT! Then the what if people think I am doing this for attention, or what if no one comes or leaves and I am stuck here for hours. What about my dogs, my timber floors round and round my head full and no space for anything else.
I do not know how long I sat there in my car, I recall the tap on my window, and one of the hostesses concerned and me sharing what had happened. NOT explaining why I had the panic attack just I had and had wet myself. Oh the added shame and mortification. She offered to have the car blocking me to be moved me says “Oh No Thats OK”. WTF Seriously, my good manners kick in NOW?
It seemed like an eternity but probably half an hour when the other guests began to leave and the car blocking me left.
I drive the short distance home, seeing it is after 1am and exhausted and beating myself up still, I go inside and sure enough I have wet area to clean up So thankful she urinated on some papers so the floor was ok. Let both dogs out, and then took myself to the shower. Chucked a load of washing on and somehow made it up the stairs, remembering first to get the dogs inside, and fell into a deep sleep.

Has this experience stopped me from the acceptance of any future dinner invites. No, but it has demonstrated several factors in how I need to manage my needs. I have to ensure I can leave, so park where I can not be parked in. Or I take my dogs, and go out and let them out for a wee and go back and continue the gathering. Or I acknowledge that for me the optimum time for me to be at something is about 21:30.
As to managing my medication, sure if I feel it could be a later evening than 22:00 take it at say 16:00 and this is where it can become a bit tricky do I then take the next dose in the morning or later. Well that is something I work with each day. Even if it might mean I take a short holiday off the tablet.

This is where I go full circle and explain the holiday I took off my ADHD medication and well done if you read through so far. I chose to not take my medication for four days after this not because I was fearful or distressed. Actually I explained to the other guests over the course of days exactly what had happened and my apologies for not saying bye and my thanks to my hostesses for a lovely night.

I realised that for me I was so overloaded with other emotions and the exhaustion of the events of the night I needed to deal with it. Not saying the medication would stop me from doing this, but I was juggling the time thing and just decided to not take it that day, which became the following three too.
Was it a good thing, in some ways yes as I can see and feel how the medication works for me. I can see how it tempers my impulsivity..TEMU packages will be arriving for a couple of weeks. So far happy with all my purchases, of course the majority I could live without and I am not really sure where the idea of creating mystery boxes to sell locally online came from. So when that stuff arrives I will be definitely having my medication regularly. Again I am so thankful I do not have a credit card, or debt, and the money I have spent has been spent, and as now back on my medication, it is done I choose to chuckle at this wonderful demonstration of how my medication Helps ME.
The holiday from my medication was helpful, and I will do this when I feel a need or choose to . What I now understand is:= was this the appropriate time to have a holiday from my medication? Hindsight well no. I was already very ADHD, overloaded, having had such a massive panic attack, and berating myself for all the shit..I had created blah blah blah..negative self talk swirling in the crowded whirling wired brain of mine.
I dont know if I had stayed on the medication rather than take a holiday off it for 4 days would have made a huge difference, personally I feel it would have helped. Yet I am not beating myself up about the choice I made.
I managed to apologise and explain. I felt far less embarrassed as everyone was very kind. I noted that I was eating more sweet stuff when I did eat. (One of my major side effects of my medication is I don’t feel hungry nor crave/binge sweets/cakes/biscuits/icecream as I did prior to beginning the medication or I note whilst on my holiday off the medication, thankfully the binge component is not so present.

Going back on my medication I take for ADHD well I have decided Temu is an addiction yes it is an addictive thing for me. I am not normally a shopper (as in I hate shopping malls and centres too much noise, lighting and music oh and people),but they have so many weird and wonderful things I certainly can not get here in Huon Valley. The difference as I have shared before is on my medication I can walk away from the cart for days and not buy anything. Not so off the meds.
For me this is not major thing. I do not go into debt or impact my life ie bills are paid and all in my home are fed and healthy. I also have purchased items I needed for work I am doing about the house so I have not placed myself in any financial hardship/risk with my actions.

What my medication does for me and I will continue to take it, as I need it making it work best for my lifestyle. That of no children, and I do not work. If I decide to take another holiday off my meds it will not be after any stress, a panic attack or when I am feeling down. As in normal day to day life down.
For me being on the medication the positives:-
-being able to focus on a task without excluding every other aspect of my life and needs of my animals,
-the shopping stuff, if I go onto buy something for Temu or any website when I am on my meds it is because it is fun, makes me smile, or is something useful.
-life helps me to create routine and order in my day to day life setting up alarms and reminders to do things not always accomplished or even started but the regular necessities are undertaken daily.
– I shower and tend to go to bed at a regular time that is beneficial for me, my dogs our life.
-not craving or bingeing sweet food and preparing meals and healthier eating mostly
-doing small things daily that have been left i.e. putting nails into something that
kept slipping and hitting me wow simple and effective. Cutting a rose bush that hit me everytime I went into the chook run.
-realising that the likely hood of me doing all that is needed and hiring a lovely person to come and get the things done such as transplanting trees, and removing blackberries clearing other bits is making me feel more in control of my home and the land I enjoy.

there are other positives for me in taking this medication, and I am very fortunate that the adverse symptoms are low for me. I am on a very low does 10mg and as described in another post this is great for me.
Thanks for reading this if you made it all the way. Let me know if it helped you in anyway. Medication regardless of what it is, is a very individual thing, and again what I take and the amount, its impact on me are very much my experience so can not be looked at how it might impact you.

I am not sharing this information for children or younger people with ADHD this is from the perspective of a 60year old female and is my personal experiences.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

4

One Month Later

So I have been on my ADHD medication for just over a month now. I am now considered to have Neurodivergent brain.

From the first time I took this medication with a relative short amount fo time my brain had space in it!

I have always just felt my brain was so overloaded.

Im on a longer acting medication, that has a pretty short half life (meaning the amount of time the medication remains in my body). I am able to tell when it wears off.

Its not all rosey and bright. As when it wears off I again begin to feel the lack of space in my brain.

I am now working at noticing things I am doing when the medication is not working. Ie impulse spending…Temu and I are good acquaintances as is Amazon Australia. When I may have been online impulse adding stuff to my cart if on medication. I will be able to leave the cart, for a few days and generally not buy anything well maybe one item. Not the 20 in the cart.

I also note I am much more aware of when I am likely to be fixated, and will generally be able to quit say facebook (spending very very little time on it and its a huge positive. let me tell you).

I am able to undertake tasks that I have not done in years and not become so focused on it that I loose focus on other aspects of my life that need to be done. NOT saying these other aspects get done, just I am aware of things outside the task I am undertaking in general.

I have begun to schedule alarms on my phone reminders of things I must do every day, ie medication, and other things. Even a time for going to bed. Crazy but having this routine really has made a huge difference for me. I may not do it religiously

but on the whole its pretty set, and in the last month I have not stayed up past midnight at all. (where as not uncommon to be up till 3am prior.

Feelings of not being included and lost as too why, left out, omitted, not understood,and similar overwhelming emotions that would fill my brain are so much less now and pretty much nil on medication.

The negative symptoms for me have not been massive or noticeable. Though I can no longer have real coffee unless its decaffeinated. Generally my sugar cravings have gone. As my binge eating with it.

I did as per GPs and psychiatrist suggestion increase my medication and within a short time, I knew this was not a positive step for me. That day was hell. Hard for me to put it into words now. It was just awful on so many levels.

I have also found with this medication I have a lot of control over how to use it.

As I have said previously it stops its magic at some point in the day depending on what time I take.

So if I know I am going out in the evening as per Mad Hatters I took it about 1pm and found that the night was pretty good. Dont get me wrong I still was quite anxious and turned up an hour early for my volunteer shift. However I knew if I did not go then I most likely would not have gone. So wanting to attend and having committed to help I went and was quite content being an hour early.

Much better than not going and the emotional shit I would have gone over and over in my head for days.

If I am going to Kingston or Hobart I will take it a bit later in the morning.

Normally I take it first thing on an empty stomach. As I find once I have eaten, and I take it, it does not seem to be so effective for me.

It has NOT CURED ME. It has NOT changed me, it has not stopped me from not being able to tend to things that I have major issues about or for some bizarre reason seem to be just not able to DO. Ie washing up… WTF. I actually have some insight into why this and the house crap is such a massive issue for me. I also am very aware of the monumental task I am dealing with. Even with all the work I have so far done. (we won’t talk about the crappy business that was meant to dehoard and clean my living spaces and kitchen)

The main thing for me as a newly diagnosed person with ADHD is that it has explained why so many things happened, were done to me as a misunderstood and different child to my siblings and friends. Why I never really fitted in to social groups/peer groups and why it impacted me so much emotionally and developmentally.

I am perhaps one of the more lucky mature age women now discovering that they have ADHD, having managed to complete degrees, to end up at age 30 working in a career where I was able to continue (nursing is quite structured and time orientated pretty good for my neurodivergent brain). It also explains why I found some work places nightmares, open office plans, and where not much structure so say more self directed, though depending on my personal interest level some self directed style work was great ie dementia support groups for carers and individuals with dementia, setting up and facilitating. Community nursing loved it, and community mental health support loved it.

Explains my always messy desk, bedroom as I grew up and as an adult.

I was also incredibly fortunate to have met Mark. He never judged me, he accepted me as I was totally, and our life together enabled me to keep on top of the shit I would buy..checks and measures I guess. It was not done or anything said…it seems his unconditional love depleted my need for stuff, to be impulsive so much. He was my body double in so many ways. Body double..hmm I will leave that for another day. We know he was nothing like me.

I have no regrets about what might have been if I had been diagnosed as a child. Though I have met and talk to other mature age women (especially as girls were never considered to have ADHD when I was a child or teenager) and many of them are very angry and regretful. Their lives were very different from mine.

As I say I somehow achieved the necessities and managed to somehow move through the debt I created in my earlier adult life to begin to save and stay out of debt and live within my means..(never having a credit card was the BEST life lesson). I also became used to the moving so many time I have lived in over 39 homes in my lifetime, 25 years in this one…says something too along with the number of jobs, and positions I was employed in. I was never fired, or terminated. Realising myself when I knew the position was not right for me. So so grateful again for having some insight into me.

So thank if you have read all the way through this.

If you know anyone who may appear to have or is fearful or concerned that they may have ADHD as an adult. Please feel free to share my experiences then and now.

I also want to mention that I was floored when I went to pay for my psychiatrist appointment ($600) that I had been bulked bill as a concession disability card holder.. somehow this had happened in the last couple of months. It was really wonderful for me to have this happen.

Again thanks for reading this to this point. As a mental health advocate I never shy away from sharing my real experiences. I am who I am and am proud of me, and like me. What others may think of me is their own opinion. It has genuinely very little if any impact on me if its negative. So many positives to getting older and being on medication that gives my brain space.

blessings to You, Tazzie

This is my personal experience and as in all my posts do not share copy or use any of my posts without my permission. Or acknowledging my blog as the source.

3

Winter Gardening in Tasmania

The weekend weather was glorious here in my garden.

Waking to fog is usually a good sign here in the valley though it can come with some risk. Firstly that the fog does not lift before midday and then the sun is only out for a couple of hours before it begins to set. This weekend was not so bad. The fog lifted and the sky was blue and clear, it was warm enough to be outside in a T-Shirt (as long as no shade or wind).
I needed to check on all the things I had planted a few days ago having been remiss in not checking on them after the storm and gales force winds.

I had good success with the mini capsicums this year and as you can see there is fruit still on it, the peppers not so great. My lavender is weirdly flowering with new buds forming. I have cut flowers off twice now. The garlic I planted on the side of my raised beds is growing. Why did I plant some there, well I had to much and just put it in. Under the netting are some brassicas I had forgotten about and well decided to pop in the bed rather than the compost and see if anything eventuates.

My beautiful sea holly has died down, but had seed heads I did was not hear to remove, so I reckon I will have many seedlings in spring to share. In front of the sea holly which I need to cut down, is spinach and silverbeet, growing from seeds I left on the plants last year. I have quite a bit of both self sown growing in the veggie garden. The next two photos show my leafless Huon Valley Crab apple, with new leaves(sorry out of focus) and blossoms appearing on many of the ends of the branches. Not usual. My other apple near bye is still in full green leaf?
It does not look like I will be growing any purple sprouting broccoli from these seedlings. I have no idea what ate the leaves and pulled them out. You know you should never think to yourself, I will come back and cover those in tomorrow…I hope nothing eats them!
The last photo shows one of my peppers. It had one flower all season and this is the pepper it grew!

Here you can see the blue sky and lovely sunlight. My garden will never be a neat and well laid out one. I now know why and appreciate it so much that I have managed to grow seedlings, plant them, tend them, and harvest food for me and my dogs, and chooks from the beds. Sure not a lot, and I am never going to be self sufficient, but in truth it is a very rare person/family that would be truly self sufficient. I do not aim to be. My garden over the years I am positive has cost me way WAY more than I have saved in produce purchases. I also believe that a lot of this has been because I have ADHD. Knowing now at age 60 I have this different functioning brain, I understand why my garden looks as it does, in combination with being very unwell with CPTSD for almost 9 years. I look at my veggie garden fruit trees and flowers, as an incredible achievement. It is not everyone’s idea of a veggie garden or garden, it is as unique as I am and diverse, it attracts so many pollinators. My garden is a safe place, where I now see it as being the only really creative thing I was able to do relatively regularly and gain some delight in seeing bulbs bloom, picking a ripe juicy peach, or seeing my dog beating me to and eating the hazelnuts. Knowing that if I had an egg or two I have an easy quick meal available. A few green onion stems, garlic clove, silver beet, kale, some thyme or oregano maybe both. All fresh from the garden. Or a soup, or curry.

I am excited to see where my garden goes this year. What happens and what I might harvest. As I sit by the fire, and watch northern hemisphere homesteaders, I watch in awe their harvest, their incredibly well organised and laid out gardens. I do not envy them this. I really love my gardens. So does the wildlife, and insect life.

My garden may have been a costly thing, but it helped my mental health and well being when I was really depressed. It got me exercising for a bit each week. It got me up of the lounge and into the fresh air.
My garden is a safe haven, it is a place that brings me contentment and delight, surprises and many disappointments. Challenges me, and rewards me. I see over time, my garden has reflected my well being too. Even before I went on ADHD medication I had begun to clean up a lot of rubbish I had left over the years about the garden. Now I find myself wallking outside with the dogs, and picking up bit and pieces blown off the deck or left behind by me. With no thought. It will be rather interesting to see the garden in a few months and see if and how my being on medication may change things.
It may be winter in my garden here in the Huon Valley Southern Tasmania, but unlike many similar latitudes in the Northern hemisphere I rarely get snow here, and the ground does not freeze. I will have flowers and things growing all winter and hope to have things to be picking and eating in spring as well as through winter. The broad beans I planted have not put their green shoots through the soil yet but so many of the flowering bulbs have. Sigh..it grows later than I thought and my wood fire needs wood.

blessings, Tazzie

1

Argh!

I just completed a post and had hit publish and then every thing froze. I logged back in and it had gone. Sigh.
So its been a good day.
One week today on my ADHD medications. Yes there have been changes and I am so happy I decided to give it a go.
I am following up on financial things. Outstanding financial things. Tolls from when I was on the mainland. Majority paid but issues with what has been happening since my last phone call. Under control, check.
Paying outstanding invoices due to my inability to do what I needed to having gone from managed by and organisation under National Disability Insurance Scheme, to self managing. Almost completed, and I am following up daily to see where its at so I can finalise this.
Brilliant just brilliant.

I soaked my broad beans (fava) in water last night, I also had found some garlic cloves that were rooting and shooting. I decided as it was a warm day , and the sun poked through the clouds to go into my veggie garden and plant them. I planted both in several areas of the garden. (not labeling of course where I planted them). As I did this I had to add some old manure to some of the areas, and then I began to weed. I really love weeding. Which is fortunate as there is a lot of weeds. As I was weeding I noticed some brassica seedlings I had left in the old wheelbarrow. Heck they were still alive. They looked sort of healthy if a bit like um mini larger plants. What to do. Oh lets just plant them. So I did. Nothing to loose really. There is space in the beds, it will be interesting to see what happens. Oh a winter experiment lovely!

Hearing my sort of feathered flock of chooks(chickens). They have been molting. I realised that it was their dinner time, along with how dirty I was, thirsty, and then how starving my dogs must be. Busby had joined me outside but I now realised that he had vanished quite a while ago. It turned out 4 hours had passed talk about hyper focused!
So chooks fed, check.
Me watered, check.
Me showered, check,
Dirty clothes into washing machine to soak, other clothes added, and turned on. Check
Dogs fed, check.
Dogs cuddled, check.
Me fed check.
Sat for a while and watched some stuff.
As one does I needed the loo(toilet). I went upstairs, for some reason loading myself up with a bundle of clothes and linen that had made home on the stairs.{(yes a huge trip hazard..Im a hoader its life). though a work in process of changing that title}. The stairs were not bare of cloth, at this point, I hasten to add. Yet without a thought I picked up a bundle of cloth, and took it up to my room. Yes it was dumped on the floor! No where else to put it as I needed the loo right then. So the clothes and linens are accumulating on the floor of my bedroom instead of the stairs. No clothes are creating a trip hazard on the stairs, as I type. All have made their way up to the bedroom floor. It is progress in my world/life.
It gets even more mysterious, and baffling. As I did what one does in the loo. I looked and began to pick up items and put them in the draw. On completing the original task the one that can not be ignored for too long ever, washing my hands noticing how filthy the sink and window area is. A chux(cleaning cloth) and cleaner is located, the sink is cleaned, the window sill is dusted, washed, and the light shade, the top of the loo, then looking down the loo is horrible, so that is hit with something to soak for a bit. Then I stack loo paper, return things to the drawers, pick up rubbish of the floor and empty the bin. I pick up clothes that I have left laying in the toilet room. (it is not a big room I have to admit). I did not clean the floor at this point. The rubbish and the clothes both made it downstairs. Clothes into the washing machine with others and washed as per above.
rubbish into garbage bin outside! Who is this woman?
No plan, no list. No thought even. not even a lot of effort just done. Its not finished I hear you, but for me this is massive.
These little things are so monumental, and they are how I know that my brain has changed because of the medication.
I still feel like me, which I was very anxious and scared of. I think my brain is still active, and my humour is more present, not saying medication is responsible for that, but a combination of things. I am able to not get sucked into the facebook or so far the impulse shopping on line behaviour I have in more recent times. I did go onto online sight to shop but put things in cart and well turned the computer off, and whether this is a one off or a change it is early days.
Weirdly not sure if having someone come to quote for fencing is impulse shopping or not.
I am not as tired in the afternoons as I had been at first. Though I am sleeping 10 hours lucky me, and it is very heavy sleep. I have weird dreams.
I’m not missing coffee like I thought I would. When I forgot that caffeine is not reccomended with my medication and had a large coffee on top of a largish one at home(instant), at a cafe and I had such a rapid heart rate, scared me.
One thing I am noticing is I seem to get hot flushes(well feeling of being overheated and sweaty), similar to my experience during menopause not sure if this is the medication or something else. I see my GP next week so will check up with her.
So much to be thankful about and so much to be appreciative of in my life. I know I am very fortunate, and to live here in Australia and get my medication on our Government scheme ($7.30AUS concession card holder) but if I was not it would be $30 I believe. So not sure how that compares to other countries.

blessings to You, Tazzie



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Steady she goes..

Day 5 ADHD medication older adult

My body and brain seem to be settling into some sort of new normal on my medication. How is it. I am pleasantly happy with what appears to be altering. As mentioned in my last post I paid (well attempted ) to pay some invoices. I am on a disability pension due too my mental illness I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD). I was finally assessed after having a breakdown about 7 years ago (interestingly I was menopausal and I believe many symptoms could also have been tied into undiagnosed ADHD, At the time I was very depressed and suicidal (NOT normal symptoms of ADHD!
I was put on antidepressant medication and I am so thankful that I was, and even though it took trying several types, yes enduring the whole wait and see, or get me off this medication NOW process of each new medication. I was so unwell I kept trying and again I am so glad I did. It was for me a life saver. Along with my GP and my wonderful psychologist and me, the medications enabled me to move through my depression, (took 5 years so please NOT an INSTANT fix. Eventually I began to feel that the antidepressant was inhibiting me from moving forward and my emotions whilst improved were still somewhat dulled for me. The choice to come off for me, was great and life moved forward.

I began to have some notable changes happening in my life after coming off the antidepressant and learning to feel all emotions and live with all emotions. Learning to identify and observe what happened prior too when I had an angry or sad out burst.
See if I could begin to tie in the emotions feeling to the situation and then over the course of years begin to learn and understand that whilst my behaviours and responses may not be seen as appropriate, they were the only management tools I had.

I also began to understand all the large blank periods in my life. I have massive memory black holes and dissociate (can still happen if overwhelmed) but happens so much less now. What I learned was that these black holes and when I dissociate are my childhood brains way to deal with things too awful/hard/painful/distressing/overwhelming and this is what saved me from all sorts of fates. It is perhaps what saved me and my brain to be able to function and get some good grades and evenutally a wonderful qualified work position.
All the what if’s I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my early childhood the signs were certainly present form an early age in hindsight. I believe the abuse and beatings I got were mostly due to the behaviour of having a neurodivergent brain in a family with divergent brains.
Of course there are always the what ifs.

For me at my age it has no bearing on my life today. I know though I am a very fortunate female of the 60s who was educated well. Who was never unemployed and went to Uni and financially am very fortunate.
My family were not well off in my early years, but education was always the priority and being able to fit into any group of people. (I’m not sure but life is so much less formal than when I was a child. which was not helpful to a girl with undiagnosed ADHD). My childhood and disregard for social status and hierarchy, patriarchy, gender roles and other social norms that thankfully are less accepted by our society today.

I have never been a neat, tidy person or my home but generally when it all got to much I used to be able to just get into a zone and sort, clean and make it all look wonderful Even if it took 4 days, the food tins sorted into same, then alphabetised, labels all facing out, CDs and books all alphabetised and clothes colour blocking. I would look about and feel so good. I also recall inviting people over for a meal so I would tend to things before they became worse in my 20’s and 30s’.

I have always had a impulsive nature. Getting myself into some serious debt and dealing with the consequences was a help in a lot of ways with learning not to be so impulsive with my spending. Well at least to only be impulsive once rent, bills and some savings are put away.
I also met someone in my late 30’s who was the love of my life and we were together for 11 years when he was diagnosed with cancer and cared for by me at home until he died in our home with his daughters present and the animals. (13 years ago now). He was like my control…not in that he controlled me or my money or anything like that. Like he loved me unconditionally, he encouraged and helped, about he house, he was also not tidy but not messy and so I guess I followed his lead. We washed up once a day, and things were put away. Washing was done regularly hung out and put away. Personal care regular and routine. Diet I loved cooking for him and family and visitors.

Why am I mentioning all this stuff? When my psychologist began to talk to me about their belief (assessment) that I had ADHD, and that my depression: at the time I was so ill was not necessarily anything to do with ADHD but a part of living with undiagnosed ADHD along with grief and having CPTSD she and my GP were working with me to get me through the critical stage of my mental illness you know helping to save my life. That ADHD was left on the back burner.
It was only perhaps 18months ago (and yes I have issues with how long ago things were), that ADHD was bought up, and interestingly enough I had been watching a Youtuber: How to ADHD.
https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

I was finding so many things that rang bells for me in so many of her videos. So when my Psychologist bought it up again and I was well enough to be receptive, it was not such a WHAT moment but a yep moment. Nothing happened immediately as be it with my anxiety, my disorganisation, finances, fears, impossibility of getting a Psychiatrist appointment within 9months, it took me time to finally to be assessed. Even when I made an appointment (and was going to pay $600) it was not that simple, first the Psychiatrist was ill with COVID, then I was on the mainland (I live on the island State of Australia Tasmania) and could not find somewhere to have a zoom meeting, as I was driving back to catch the ferry home on the day my first rescheduled appointment was on. Thankfully the the Psychiatrist rescheduled for the week after I returned home.



Of course I was anxious about the assessment I mean what if I do NOT have ADHD?? Shit what would that mean?
So of course once assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, the relief overwhelmed me, and the joy yep seriously I felt joy and happiness, that there was a reason why all my life…everything was as it was! I am so glad I did it, and right now even happier that I am on medication sure its not been a week yet and some days its been weird, it seems to doing something.

Today I know that the medication is doing something to my brain that is so magical. Not only did I attempt to pay some invoices on Friday and they were rejected because I had not advised the NDIS of my bank account details for the money to be transferred from being managed by a business to me managing my own payments, which meant of course the invoices were rejected BUT did I emotionally break, did I just go fuck it…put it in the too hard basket or just go dissociate? No I placed a note in my diary on my phone with an reminder to contact the person I needed to.

So this morning after doing the daily morning things I have in my diary, I rang the person, asked what I needed to do..give my bank account details..me worrying about having NDIS money go in with my own money said I would need to speak to my bank about fees and costs if I opened another account with them. OK person I am talking to says all I need to do is send them an email with the information she requested and that would be it and it all should be done in a couple of days.
Me gets off that call, and immediately calls my banks and is informed that I can have an account with no card access (yeah) with no fees or costs. I just have to go in and sign for it.
I get off the phone and go into town and open this new account. I have a tumeric latte(trying to not have coffee is not as hard as I thought), went and got some items I wanted at the local supermarket (to make granola bars) and returned home, and immediately sent the email with the information.

PHEW!!

I will put up with feeling tired very weary every evening for this! 4 months of overdue invoices so close to being paid. So many people who have non neurodivergent brains will if they read this far(lol), would be like seriously what a lot of malarkey, it is so simple to do this no big deal no need to write a blog about it nor to feel JOY and HAPPINESS because you almost can pay some invoices seriously Tazzie!
Not even going to respond to them, as the important people now, that there is real joy and happiness in such a seemingly small thing for a neurodivergent brain. I am smiling as I type. As it is truly a beautiful thing.

I add to this joyful post, that I even with little thought sat and began to do some tidying(can someone please explain to me why more mess is made when you tidy? I also instead of just moving things to piles of like with like, actually used some of the boxes(hoard waiting to go outside), to put these things in for example the flower bulbs that have been laying about the area I sit, thankfully not trodden on, are all now in a box which when it is a bit less rainy will be planted.

Same for all the knitting and crochet projects, working on one in its own box, twisted and somehow all caught together balls in another to be separated and sorted then to be put with its own pattern. All the pens, pencils and other art items that were littering the area, are now in a box. Where they can be on a shelf and at some time perhaps sorted. No pressure.


I also stacked the wood I had just dropped at the fire side, into a pile and put the kindling and papers in boxes to the side. Giving space to walk without risk of stubbing a toe. Bliss. Again, small small things, in my world big time stuff.
I did not have this on my plan to day, (well the kitchen was but that is a room with a lot of history for me to deal with in my CPTSD brain area).

Actually I am OK with what I achieved in the kitchen today. I was given a wonderful gift of freshly caught tuna! Red tuna, I was so touched by the generosity as the person who gave it too me had been gifted some and gave me some of his Gift! So I seared this beautiful Tuna on both sides and had it with some vegies (I had vegie and no salad) and man was that a delicious meal. No the washing up has not been undertaken, sorry.

My medication IS working. I am still uncertain if other areas of my me brain are impacted. I had a crazy dream last night but that was most likely the vast number of crackers and Japanese sweets(highly processed and high sugar) I ate last night before going to bed. Even so I slept heavily and long again.

If anyone is reading this who also has/is on slow release ADHD medication and began at 10mg can you let me know how moving to the next level helped or impacted you, I would appreciate it.

So again I am so thankful for the change that has enabled me to be able to focus on one task over three days, and complete it as far as I can!

blessings to You, Tazzie.

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