Contentment: is not a dirty word.

Hi here I am and what a couple of weeks it has been since I last posted. I had a few replies to my emails in regard to issues of accessibility for rural and remote rural people who need to see a psychiatrist. The huge costs now involved for anyone even Pension card holders and unemployed will now have to pay several hundred dollars for an initial psychologist or psychiatrist appointment and receive a rebate that means a large out of pocket expense on a service that was bulk billed up until late 2021. My cost to see a psychiatrist was I thought going to be $200, and I would be rebated about $60 back arrgh was bad enough. I was actually devastated when informed I needed to see a new psychiatrist and this would now cost me $600! I blanked out the rebate but it was only a small proportion of the cost. Let me put that into focus. My monthly pension from NDIS is $1890 roughly.
I own my home out right, I have no debts. I will struggle to find this amount. How anyone else on a pension or unemployment a student will be able to afford it makes me incredibly distressed and anxious for their well being.
Not sure if things will change but here in Australia we are in a Federal Election year and expect the Prime Minister to announce soon when the Federal election will be. Our process is EXTREMELY different to USA for which I am very grateful. Here the Party and we have three major ones, Liberal who are in power now more right side leaning, Labor the opposition more left side and the Greens who are more left than Labor I guess. It will be a very interesting and frustrating time in the next period of time.
I would like to have gone further with the issues and kept emailing people who may really be able to see that this will increase mental health trauma and make many sicker, and potentially self harm. For my own well being I have to minimise my frustration and angst, as it creates issues in my own mental health and how I am managing.
All I can do is hope that things will get better in regard to this disgraceful situation for the people who really need support and access to mental health professionals and now can not afford it.

I had a physical issue occur three weeks a go. I had been sitting on my lounge with my knee bent under me, and I realised I had hurt something inside my knee. I was caring for my knee and myself (having been a RN) I knew what was good. It was healing and going fairly well. I could weight bare on it, I could bend it and straighten it with a little pain. I was not needing any support to walk on it I was just cautious.
I let the dogs out one night and when they returned inside I turned after closing the door, only to suddenly find myself on the floor. My knee had given out on me. I knew that was a concern. Though right at that precise moment I had other concerns.

There are very few positives when you are a hoarder. I however was unharmed from the fall as I landed on a pile of clothes. (no they had not contributed nor had I tripped over anything) The access from the door to living area is a clear path with crap on the sides. I had fallen at an angle, thankfully the clothes stopped me potentially hurting myself even more. I was now laughing, as I could see both my dogs just looking at me, like what you doing down there Mamma? I was bewildered as to what had happened and how I was going to get up. I managed it not exactly sure, needs certainly must.

I realised my knee had given out, and now it hurt. I put my injured knee to the floor and I could walk on it but gingerly. Depending on how it was positioned it hurt more. I realised it was not brilliant, but it was not so bad that I was too worried about it that night. I took some anti inflammatory medication and paracetamol, slept well but even in sleep felt pain when I moved into certain positions. On waking the next morning I made the decision my knee was not badly injured, I could manage going up stairs one at a time good leg first and holding tightly to the rails. Coming down was not as painful or difficult. As I have steps to come in and out of the house, this situation raised concern, along with the fear of my knee giving out again at any time depending on how I moved my leg. I was not in a lot of pain, just at times if I moved my leg in a way and my knee responded in a very negative ooops Nope.

I live out of town, no public transport, taxis, and not sure about Uber (but I could not afford Uber to Hobart anyway or a taxi). I then began to worry about my dogs. I really knew my only choice was to head to the public hospital in Hobart. As the nearest radiography business was 50km away and I would have to go to my GP get an appointment get to Kingston, then return. Meaning a lot of in and out of a vehicle. If anything was needed I may still end up at the public hospital Royal Hobart anyway. The decision was not difficult for me, I tried to see if any friend or neighbour may be able to take me. Nope. OK. I really began to be concerned about the dogs. It was too hot for them to be in a car in a car park(which would be super noisy and smelly) for who knew how long, better they were at home. Though sometimes you can be waiting 15+ hours to be seen at the Royal emergency depending on what was happening and this was not really an emergency. I tried to see if the dogs could go to a friends they were not home. I was in pain at the end of my abilities having tried to find a solution for the dogs, as I knew I could drive myself (which is why I did not take any medication) my car is an automatic and it was the leg I did not need to drive my car, how fortunate was that.
I must have cried as I finished the call to my friend. I had just sat overwhelmed worried for my dogs being locked up inside the house all day and potentially into the night and maybe longer.
As I began to work out logistics, I had decided the worst case scenario would be I would have terrible mess to clean up on my return. I decided to make a huge effort and take the dogs for a run (me driving the car ) before I left so hopefully they would use their bowels. Success one less worry.
Now what to use as a crutch or support for me to be able to get from the car park to the hospital? I was sitting on the lounge and next thing the dogs are barking someone is on my deck and opening the door. I am freaking out so mortified that someone is coming into my home (hoarders house no one allowed in). I loose it. and flee. well end up turning my back on her and just sobbing please get out get out please!
she does
I am now hysterical and the dogs are perplexed and distressed at my sobs.
All I can now think about is she knows how bad my house is NOOOOOooo.

I sit for what feels like an eternity, reassure the dogs and find a broom to use as a crutch.
Broom tucked under my arm the plastic knob on the handle end is pointed and at that point in time I don’t notice. I sneak a look out the window hoping that my neighbour has gone. She has. I hobble to the car, leaving my dogs inside.

I drive to Hobart, find a parking spot as close to the elevators closest to the hospital side of the car park. I go down into a part of a busy mall the broom under my arm, the head of the soft indoor broom down on the floor firmly supporting me. I swept as I hobbled out through the mall, up to the traffic lights, crossed the road, and down a very steep entrance drive for ambulances and pedestarians to the Emergency entrance.
Mask on the whole way, I was incredibly fortunate, that it seemed there was only one person waiting but of course you have no idea how many people or how serious they are already in the department. What I did know having worked at emergency and hoped it had not changed much was that lunch breaks start about 11:30 and I was there at 10:30, people wanting a sick certificate for work would have been or were being seen. That very few work accidents happen so early in the morning at work. No major vehicle accidents had happened. It was too early for school accidents too. Sometimes it pays to have some knowledge. I waited in the waiting area maybe 10 mins 15max. Then me and my broom went in and the Nurse practitioner was efficient and too my surprise no BP TEmp OBs were taken. Wow somethings had changed for the better. I mean ambulant patient not complaining of feeling ill does not need those. I waited maybe an hour for an X ray, which was taken and showed there may be a small tear of my meniscus of my knee. Or it may have been the way my trousers were impacting the X ray? I would be contacted if I needed a review.
Nurse Practitioner did some movements of my knee cap and nothing hurt bad enough to make me squeal. This surprised him, and when I had told him about the activity where it hurt most as in up from sitting standing position, and climbing up stairs, and my now phobia about falling due to knee giving way. This was the main reason I had presented. It was decided that crutches for a week and when I was weary form moving without them. Some resting off it when it was aching or painful, but using it was the best remedy.
I was offered some medication to have now, but as I had to drive home and strangely Ibuprofen and paracetamol make me tired. I ask if I could have something a bit stronger, and was only able to have provided 8 Panadine forte on script. I just wanted to be able to sleep completely pain free that night.

I was fitted with crutches, and released. All up three and half hours. WOW! As I was leaving I noted that the emergency room waiting area was full now as was the area behind where I was now discharged from. I made my way back to the car park, paid the $6 and as I lowered myself into the car pulling the crutches across me and angled safely in the passenger seat. I buckled up, very relieved, exhausted and hungry (I had eaten nothing and had one glass of water ). As I had to get the script for Panadine forte filled I went to a local cafe, a coffee and food as I waited. Two friends were there and we had a lovely visit under the shade of the trees with the heat surrounding us. I left not too long later picked up my medication and home.

If only someone could sell that feeling: Driving into your driveway, getting out of the car, opening the front door and being greeted exuberantly by two warm beings who love you so much. My heart was so overwhelmed and my soul exhausted I began to cry as I let the dogs sniff my new helpers. Tears running down my face as I hobbled up the steps went inside, I fed my dearest beings in my life. Knowing that it was very doubtful I would be getting up very soon once I threw myself down on my mattress on the floor(yes it is still down stairs on the floor after Busby’s operation). Making life with a banged up knee much easier. I had opened the door out on the deck so the dogs could go in and out if needed.
I now had taken medication for pain and inflammation. I woke up seven hours later. Two dogs pressing hard into each side I was pinned down on the bed under the sheet. The fan going and the sun setting no cool breeze. SIGH… in describable contentment and happiness at that moment.

My knee is getting back to pre injury, not sure my thoughts of trusting it are. I believe that is pretty normal. I am so thankful I was not worse off. I am so thankful I am content, I am so thankful my dogs were fine, I am so thankful to have friends and people I could call. I am especially thankful that I did not allow myself to feel that I had no friends, no-one to help me, and go down that path I have often feeling so worthless. I am thankful I am strong, independent able to think logically and rationally when plans change. Not letting my anxiety take over.

blessings to You, Tazzie

April 3, 2022 5

Pristiqu withdrawal P4

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 12 withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine).
I slept very well last night, no pain relief for my broken toe, feelings of overwhelming sadness and frustration that I actually hit my boy Busby. He is such a gentle loving soul and he has always always chased chickens and wallabies and I have followed all guidance on how to manage. He is a Staffy/Boxer/ Ridgeback cross it is in his genes. I know this and yet I punished him way over the top and it was my own fault. Talk about tears of guilt as I write this. Yes the labile withdrawal symptoms continue. As do the fluctuation in body thermostat. (past menopause so definitely not that)lol

A little bit of background in regard to me and what medications including ‘natural/herbal ones I take.
I have only ever smoked grass in my life and that was not until I was 30. (probably a very positive thing now with the mental health issues I have had all my life but never had diagnosed or been on medication until now in my more mature (age not attitude). I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as in both maternal grand parents were alcholics and my maternal grandmother addicted to BEX powders (which were coloured hot pink so alluring for little ones, and yes I certainly wanted to taste this gorgeous stuff!.. VILE VILE, Will Robinson (excuse my Lost in Space reference). It turns out that this humble little powder advertised as follows ‘Headache, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Sciatica, Lumbago…Influenza and Cold in early stages’. and a saying in Australia perhaps from the advertising was ‘a cup of tea a Bex and a good lay down’ aimed at women mostly in OZ, this over the counter powder which came in boxes from memory bright deeper yellow and navy blue was actually the RED Bull of its day. The recommended daily dose of caffeine is 250mg per day and yet Bex packaging advised taking at least two powders, containing 320mg of caffeine. Government Health Departments and nurtritional guidelines recommended daily amount of caffeine is 250mg (per day). One Bex powder had 320gms and the dosage on the pack for treatment was 2. In my Grandmother’s case she would have perhaps 20 a day. Not an uncommon situation for women in that time. When you consider that the suggested drink to have with it was tea and average cup of tea (many variants of how much in a cup of tea) is approx 43gms My Grandmother would also wash this vile tasting powder down with alcohol. Soft drink (my Grandfather was working at a local soft drink making company at the time) and on the very odd occasion water.
They had been on the market since 1920s and were taken of in 1977. Also contained a substance called phenacetin Phenacetin is an odorless fine white crystalline solid with a lightly bitter taste. Used as an analgesic medicine. So found the bitter taste. It is derived from opium. This chemical’s role, as a non-narcotic analgesic establishing it is the main ingredient for pain relief in BEX. There were many adverse side effects with the product addiction NO 1, risk of major kidney disease when over used. (My Grandmother died of kidney issues and cancer. (She was also a a very heavy smoker.
Woah went down that rabbit burrow deeply.
My father is an alcoholic but he would deny it. (he and his current wife drink 1-2 bottles of wine most nights and he will generally have several scotches a night). Since my early twenties was very aware of how much he drank.
(so yep addiction rampant) I guess being addicted to sugar is a bit less risk taking.

The above is a symptom of what is going on in the withdrawal stakes at present. Overly thinking, and not able to stay focused. Very easily distracted and where interest is aroused will just follow that and forget the actual issue or what I was really meant to be doing.
Lost my appointment card for GPs appointment today, normally would get reminder text but have not charged my phone and it is out of credit plus struggling to locate the phone. (not necessarily a symptom of withdrawal the not charging or mislaying it).
My anxiety is increasing as I now am distressed that this new GP seemed to assume I was suicidal/self harm risk last week no matter how much I reassured her. Fear if I can not get the time of appointment the police will be called to do a welfare check. (do not get me wrong I believe that this is a very important community job the police do undertake. (though if we had enough specialised mental health qualified nurses and community teams working 24/7 it would be not the polices job but the community nurses to do welfare checks on mental health clients. Calling for police support if felt/deemed necessary there I go again..seems like today is off on adventures not planed day.

Withdrawal symptoms I have been more aching in my joints. (something I rarely deal with so fortunate)
Oh and medications I am on . The only scripted medication I have been on is my Desvenalaxine. I have got medication that requires a script for nausea as I have had issues with severe vertigo and labyrynthitis. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen mainly for pain, yet for me two of each gets me to sleep when I struggle to turn of the thoughts, and ruminations in my head some nights.
I take 5000u of vitamind D meant to be every day. I succeed most days. Even on this does my test returned last week I was on the very lowest level of vitamin D in my body and I had been walking and sitting in sunshine. (Australians due to the great success of melanoma warnings and advertising to slip slop slap where a hat and tshirt , no hat no play in schools has seen most of us low in vitamin d) my level is absurd and no one can explain it.
I will also take a multi vitamin tablet when I am not eating well. I also at times have to have iron boosts. (even though I do eat meat,liver, green leafy and other iron rich products along with nuts.

So off to look for the card for my appointment and hopefully find my phone too. Not even 9am .

I did find my phone, and found the time of my GP appointment. 11:15 so plenty of time. I decided as it was to be another hot day, the dogs and I would go into Cygnet and have a walk, I would have some brunch go to the GP and then get a few things I needed.

The dogs and I enjoyed our walk, I find that gentle exercise and getting out doors is beneficial for me during withdrawal. Thankful the lightheadedness is no where near as often or bad. Nausea is also lessening a lot which is great. What is not so good is the increase in triggers. My responses are out there. I can not seem to stop as explained yesterday.

I am so relieved that today I have not been triggered at all. I have not been angry, or short fused so thankful. I do not like who I am when this happens.

My visit with my GP was excellent today. She was great and had obviously read my notes. I have been anxious that she is not permanent. When you have a mental illness as anyone knows who has one, every time you have to go through your story, it brings up its own issues. For me today I just talked, and shared, for ages. My appointment went for almost an hour. (where do you get that kind of care)? I am so thankful for this and her generosity. I hope who ever was waiting understood. It is often the way in smaller towns the GPs work.
I was very teary and actually needed to stop the appointment as I was overwhelmed. I had to leave. Yet all in all I felt a real connection with her(otherwise I would not have shared so much).

After the GPs, I had to go to the Hardware shop, our privately owned independent (IGA) supermarket. It was so hot the dogs were panting. I had intended to take them for a swim, life took a different direction. One of my neighbours messaged to say that they had two stray dogs in their paddock. (they are not dog people), It was hot and dry , I walked with my painful toe through a paddock with liver and kangaroo tails, watching the dogs, and looking out for snakes, thumping down my feet as hard as I could. Poor dogs were so hot and tired one was coming towards me the wind changed and the smell of the liver had begun to reach them. However the owner turned up down a few paddocks a way, and the dogs took off away. I got to meet the owner, and we walked and called for them up the hill. (Yes my broken toe is throbbing).
I went off to let neighbours around the area they were that dogs were around and were lost but friendly.
I got home about 6pm to find the dogs had returned home 40 mins ago. Must take phone with me next time..lol
So thankful they are safe and home.
My withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine seems so far so different to many others. The negative withdrawal side effects are outweighed by the positives return of what I recall feelign before my breakdown and going on this medication (which I am so thankful to have found worked for me).

It is still apparently still early in the withdrawal process.
The fact I have not tapered of and went cold turkey (again due to unforeseen circumstances), seems according to all the information I have been reading I should be having far greater symptoms. As I said it is early days.

so thankful for having a great day, for connecting to my new GP and discovering that she is permanent. YEAH.
Happy to answer any questions you might want to ask.

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 24, 2022 2

Withdrawal from Desvenalfaxine continues. P2

Day 10: Wow am I all over the place today.
I broke my toe about 9am yes definitely broken, its taped to my other toe and hurts like hell and if i move it wrongly I feel ill. Did not cry when I did it yelled and screamed for bit.
for any new readers I have CPTSD and am a hoarder. I am hoping to be able to say recovering hoarder as I have spent several hours today cleaning and throwing things out. I have wooden floor visable for the first time in a few years in my living space. I also found two places where mice were making nests. Foiled them nests gone. I am proud of myself as it was done with no effort, no planning. I just wanted to do it. I have been wanting to begin for months and had been saying so to my psychologist and my previous GP (the one who was 140km round trip away who told me I lacked motivation). I tried to explain to her I did not lack motivation. I was not able to do this!
As I do this I am struggling still to get rid of items. Yet I am proud of myself that I have thrown away quite a few items that I have held on too or that were damaged. I am noting I am getting better at the concept if its been on the floor and I have been walking on it or stacked stored in a pile of stuff for several years and I have not used it. Why keep it.
I have been spending money on things I have wanted to do creative activities with. I have wanted to get these things for so long and well yesterday I just did it. I felt joy.
I am eating fairly healthy.
I went out last night for a wine evening and lovely dinner. It was brilliant and I enjoyed being with my friend and being with 30 others but was very happy to return home after 2 1.2 hours a great meal and wonderful wine (tasted 14different wines from sparkling whites roses to reds. Ended with a small tequilla. (i love tequllia). I am not a big wine drinker or actually alcohol drinker at all and this is a monthly evening I have been a member of for several years. (my one real social event ).

I washed a load of clothes hung them out in the beautiful sunshine and bought them in.

I left my two dogs outside for a bit too long unsupervised thinking the chooks would have gone to bed. Sadly I heard chickens screeching, and as fast as I could hobble I went outside realising what was on. In the past I got so angry at Busby. I was annoyed, because he would not stop chasing this one hen. (he gets fixated and it is impossible almost to break his fixation) once I knew the hen was safe got him to hear me and go inside. I was not anywhere near as angry as I have been in the past at him. It was my fault I left him outside too long. My error.

I am teary, right now. Have just questioned the meaning of friendship to those who are my friends on facebook, since not one person I have as a friend and I only have people I really know and have known for several years as friends. As I had not been on Facebook for 10 weeks. So questioning the whole friend thing. Not really sure what I am expecting. Not sure why I wrote on Facebook bizzare.

I have no real idea how much longer withdrawal is going to take perhaps several weeks more. I have to see my new GP on Thursday. She seemed to have the idea I may have been wanting to self -harm. I kept saying this is the furthest away from my situation. I am so glad to wake up everyday, I am content in my discontent. I have asked my psychologist who was sending information to the new GP to please somehow ensure she is aware that I am not in anyway considering self harm or suicide.

I guess I am on a weird roller coaster of unkowns right now. Withdrawal off this medication symptoms are all over the place. I remain light headed and dizzy at times; even lying down go figure. I have nauseous feelings less but still there as is the body temperature fluctuations. Sleep once I get to sleep is heavy and the last two nights nightmare free. The anger I was experiencing earlier is not so pronounced. Though it would not surprise me if it flared out in a trigger situation.
I am very aware that I seem to be a bit all over the place in my writing tonight and my mind is certainly running fast. Is it a withdrawal symptom to feel almost a bit manic? My mind is racing and my thoughts are a bit all over. I feel like I want to just keep getting on with de-hoarding, so full of energy inside. Yet at the same time a sense of weariness. I am now beginning to worry that all of a sudden I will stop sorting my house… that thought distresses me. My toe is beginning to throb, so pain relief tablet due and bed I feel.

I am so thankful to be getting my house a bit better. I am thankful my chook is physically unharmed.
blessing to You, Tazzie

February 22, 2022 4

My Lived experience of sudden withdrawal of Desvenalfaxine. (Pristiq)

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualifed Registered NurseRPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

I have been on my current antidepressant for four plus years. I am so incredibly happy to be on them even with the weeks it took for them to ‘stabilise’ in my body. The lethargy overwhelming inability to function or think. Often during this period which seemed at times to be a living hell, my whole desire was to stop taking the medication. In those moments my supportive GP and wonderful Psychologist would encourage me and remind me how bad and unwell I have been, seriously unwell.
Eventually after about a month I began to feel a big improvement in my mood, and attitude mental well being. It kept improving and I was so happy to be feeling and thinking and being far more active and functional than I had in quite a few years. I always would say I would be OK if I had to stay on them for the rest of my life as the difference they had made (along with ongoing work with my psychologist let me add who I continued and continue to see the same one for years now).

For the last four months, maybe a bit longer I have been questioning myself as to if my medication was now becoming a problem, I was not able to complete anything, I was not wanting to be in my garden(one of my pleasures) and quite a few other things that are really hard to put into words.

I was finding it harder and harder to begin let alone finish things. It was not as a GP I have now stopped seeing said I was lacking motivation. How can I be lacking motivation when I can make an appointment drive a 140km round trip to her office, to discuss my concerns with her. I requested a referral to the psychiatrists and she was not supportive of this. I wanted to scream at her. Instead I left her office and never returned. I found that a GP practice in the town near me was taking new patients so relieved I joined this practice.
It is bloody hard to begin again and to have to attempt to explain everything in a 15-20minute phone appointment. (it was frustrating as the new GP was still practicing in Queesland winding up as the family were moving here permanently). Sadly I had four to five phone meetings and had not actually physically met this GP until two weeks ago. It is really hard when you just do not feel a connection to the person. Last week I went in to my second face to face appointment and some blood tests were to be done, and a psychiatrist referral.
I was perplexed when I noticed that all my notes were just on small pieces of paper, rather than a folder or on the computer. (this is all the phone appointments). I made an appointment to have my blood test done in four days. When I went in (one test was a fasting blood so no food until it was taken), there was No pathology form. Fortunately the practice has a pathology RN, and she kindly took the bloods and I was happy to sign the form and have the GP fill it in. I was also happy to return if this was not OK and do the bloods again.

That same day about five days ago I had to pick up my next months script of my antidepressant. This done I continued on to have food take my dogs for a walk and catch up with some friends and then do my grocery shop.

On arrival at home I could not find the tablets, I turned my handbag inside out, it was too late to phone any of the places I had been to see if they were there. I thought I could take the one smaller dose tablet the next morning(I had one tablet left of that half dose). OF course this was happening on a weekend. My thoughts as I panicked and looked everywhere in the house I had been. I went through my bag the whole car. No package of tablets! I contacted a few places open that Saturday morning to see if they had found them. No sorry. Sigh oh well I will miss one full day and only have a half dose in my system, that will be OK.
I would ring the Chemist on Monday and see if they would give me the script again. I discover it is a long weekend public holiday Monday! Chemist not open. Doctors not open arrrgh..

Tuesday morning I phone the Chemist but they will NOT give me the script again. they can not apparently I had feared this as previously I had attempted to get my script filled one day earlier than it was due, and they would not let me get the script filled. I called the doctors practice my GP is not in until Thursday, and I have an appointment to see her then. I got off the phone and was flummoxed. I kind feel I was already having withdrawal symptoms it was now three full days without any of my antidepressant.

What to do. I had slept really badly the night before, I was feeling horrendously nauseous, and burping. Light headed and achy. I was labile and very easy to snap. It was very frightening. I laid in bed and cried.

Wednesday another really bad night i am not sure if I slept much or if I was having erratic dreams, I tossed and turned. The dizzyness when I got up from bed to go to the bathroom was so bad I almost fell. My nausea was so bad I really thought I was going to be sick. I ached so much and my head hurt. It was so so hard. I was now running on very few hours sleep.

Feelings and anger of the past were in the forefront of my thinking. My dreams/nightmares were are so real and bizzare. I have these sharp nerve stabs feelings in my arm and legs, just one here and there strong enough they wake me up.

I have never withdrawn from anything in my life before. I was talking with my neighbour this morning after he asked me if I was OK as I looked bad. He said sounds pretty part of the process of withdrawal. Of course of course I am withdrawing from my antidepressant. My decision was taken out of my control.

I had a call from my GPs practice. My face to face appointment was going to be a phone call. I had enough I am surprised how gentle and pleasant apologetic I was to the lovely women on the other end of the phone when I went on to explain how I was not very happy with this GP. That I felt I was not connecting with her. I went on to explain why. I was so shocked when the woman on the phone said that I could have an appointment tomorrow face to face with another GP who was interested in Mental Health and only been at the practice a couple of months. I said oh yes please and thankyou . I kept apologising and I was reassured that she understood how important it is for anyone to feel connected to their GP especially when dealing with mental health. I think I cried.

So it is almost a week since I had a half dose of my antidepressant. I guess the decision to go off them has occurred. Kismet is at work, I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow and a new GP..again. I am grateful for that. I hope my nausea and light headedness stops soon. Interestingly enough my head feels clearer, which is bizarre as lack of sleep usually makes me feel as if my head is full of marshmallows. I feel a bit as if my mind is on a fast speed, but not in a rumination sort of way. It is really difficult to explain. For me it is a bit like the nerves of a final examination situation where you have to write an essay in response to a question. My head is full of things but I am struggling to decipher what it means and where it fits in the exam question and my answer to this. The sort of rough draft that you scribble rapidly and then edit and re-edit to reach the final answer in essay form to the question. Only I am not really able to get to the final answer. Each new re-edit brings in new ideas which take me down tangents and into different ways to respond to the original question.
This is very tiring not at all overwhelming strangely. I become exhausted and have to work at stopping the search for what ever answer I think there is to be discovered. Yet once rested whether I actually nap or just switch off and lay down, my mind is quite and I feel OK recharged almost be it with a short battery life.
The jabs in my body like very sharp needles pricks deep down in the areas of my legs and arms, no head zaps for me. Are infrequent but a daily occurrence.

I have now cold turkey been off my medication 100mg dose for 8 days. I am sleeping heavily once asleep but waking after only 6 hours or so. Interesting I am feeling awake and not dopey as I have been in recent months whilst on my medication. On the medication my sleep eventually was regular and generally 8-10 hours depending on factors. I would have periods (usually weirdly around the full moon) where I would stay up late and then sleep for ages. I was finding in the months before ceasing abruptly my medication I was very erratic in my sleep late nights /early mornings and waking feeling blah, actually most mornings I woke feeling very heavy. I was not depressed I was just not able to function as I wanted to do want I wanted and at times needed to do.
I was watching a lot of TV and playing games online. Yes addiction of games was becoming part of the problem even when I knew what was happening it was all I seemed to be capable and interested in. I discussed with my psychologist how I really was wanting to change some things and I would try, start and just not be able to get far. I really had enough of this situation and feeling like this sloth. ( I do love sloths mind you). So the beginning down the rabbit hole at least as a rural (remote rural) Australian to a psychiatrist began. I was fortunate to have access to Psych 2 U which is a private company that sees rural folk and rural regional folk via zoom and health care card holders are able to see the person for free. My experience with this organisation has not well been favourable in the majority of it. You have no choice which psychiatrist sees you and when like my first one totally had his own agenda of research and insinuated I was lying about wanting to take the ADHD medication he had given me as I could not get it filled in my council area at any of the chemists! He ended our appointments implying to my GP I had..that is a whole other ball game. I have discussed in the past here.

How is my withdrawal going on day 8? This morning I woke up after a great night sleep more like my ‘pre breakdown ‘ sleep. I sat out on my deck enjoying the bird song having a coffee. I fed my chooks, (eight chicks at present two roosters and five hens) one hen is missing I see her spasmodically; so she is about. I fear I will have more chicks suddenly appear. Fed them and returned to my deck and a second coffee reading a book I had been wanting too. I have not read a book in several months.

I took my dogs for a walk, picked some blackberries chatted with my neighbour and his daughter. Then came back to my deck and had my breakfast/brunch. Came inside as the biting flies and March flies(horse flies sort of beasts) were out and loving me!. I was reading my book and my dogs took off and barked in the paddock, my other neighbours were outside. So we chatted for quite a while in the sunshine. On coming back inside, I put on my roast I was having later, with enough veggies for salad and omelette or soup later in the week or even just in a toastie.
It was after 2pm before I opened my computer and I have no interest in the games I normally would have opened up. Instead I am here writing. (which is interesting as I find writing here is helpful for me, I share as if anyone gets anything that may help he or she know they are not alone, and that living with CPTSD PTSD any mental health illness is shit at times and others out there get it. You are not alone and people care. Is why I enjoy writing my true honest life and not some fantasy.

Today day 8 my head is clearer, I am a bit manic and have spent a little money (get behind me Amazon/Wish/Auction places.) I notice when I am talking to friends neighbours people who know me not just anyone right now I am sharing that I am withdrawing off my medication, that I am speaking fast and struggling to find right words at times, or finish what I was actually saying.. yep manic is apt descriptive. I let them know please say bye if you want as this is withdrawal symptom. I am totally aware of this particular issue, and how it impacts others so am very direct, so they have can go. LOL.

I continue to be light headed at the weirdest times (not when bending down or going from a sitting to standing position) I can be walking the dogs and just have to sit down. I am not walking much or any distance at present. I am not hungry but am enjoying cooking and when I smell the food cooking enjoy it. I am wanting to eat better and am making delicious meals for myself. Healthy(ish) only eating for many would be a small amount. I may pick at food over the day rather than eat a big meal, and when I do eat a meal, it is not alot.

I am incredibly teary at times (Labile) for no apparent reason. I am less angry now, but in saying that I am so angry at my abusers and those who neglected me in my childhood, I have never been previously able to say this before. I grew up with it being seen as a very negative emotion and you should never feel angry towards anyone. But hell I feel so angry. It is for me a positive emotion and now I am expressing it what a feeling a very good feeling. Anger is an emotion and just important as love, sadness happiness. Being older now and seeing where and by whom I was told about anger being a bad thing, the very people who were hurting me, abusing me, neglecting me are those who did not want me to be angry. Well people I am fucking angry at your betrayal, your abuse neglect and never will it be held within my spirit to make me unwell again! There is a strength in anger. Time to stop saying we do not have a right to feel anger. Be angry, what I need to do is not take my anger out on anyone or any thing else. I found myself angry at procedure of my internet provider, I was getting furious with my dog licking, anger directed inappropriately. Now I am not angry at them today, as I have been in the last week and often over the years. I am appropriately angry and aim it towards those who made me into something/someone I was never meant to be. Now at a mature age, I am letting the anger out and becoming who I am with no feelings hidden or labelled good or bad.

The nausea is improving, I do get it very occasionally now and generally it is a lot of burps with it. I can concentrate for longer periods but get tired very. (I am weary now ) I am attempting to finish this to post it today. I come over at times as if I am going to faint..like just now and I was sitting down and now the nausea is present. I just want to close my eyes and rest. To be continued…

blessings to You, Tazzie

February 20, 2022 4

Aurora Australis

One of the things I love doing is photography. I live in the Huon Valley in Southern Tasmania and this provides me with opportunity to see and photograph the Southern Lights; Aurora Australis

I have been unwell with my mental illness and have not been out to shoot any night photographs. I was so delighted recently that the Lady Aurora came for a visit. As beautiful as she was my position was right beside the moon which was very low. There fore impacting the depth of colour that I could shoot. In the photos you will see a moon halo. It was a very cloudy night with bright moonlight. This will also explain why there are few visible stars. You will see beams in the last photographs of the set below.

The photographs below were taken the same night. The only difference is the white balance this may help explain why you will see very different photographs taken at the same time on the same night.
I will sometimes shoot Aurora in a warmer white balance.

If the moon had set or no moon the colours would have been so much deeper. If there had been no cloud it would have been so much better.

This is the beauty of shooting and hunting Aurora here in the Southern Hemisphere. Huon River. Huonville the largest town in the Huon Valley sits at. 43.0304321″ S, 147.0486831″ E

I know that the Aurora Borealis/Northern Hemisphere gave an amazing display recently.

I am thankful to be able to experience this natural phenomenon, so often as I have and to have the equipment to be able to shoot her. I am thankful to live in such a naturally beautiful area.

blessings to You Tazzie.

October 20, 2021 2

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