Unexpected beauty

This morning I have woken really early for me it is just 05:30.
Having been woken by Miss Treacle who needed to go out at 04:00 I was not able to go back to sleep and left both dogs and came downstairs.

Dawn is breaking and it is a cool morning so I have opened doors and windows cooling the house down after a hot day, in preparation for a lovely day. The skies are clear with the exception of what is the mist/cloud/fog forming over the river. Street lights are still on across the river and the


Roopert is crowing, Micro bats are flying in the last moments before dawn breaks, catching insects. Swallows somersaulting, swooping swiftly soundlessly. The soloist begins in the dawn chorus Kookaburras laughing, joined by Roopert cock-a-doodle-doo, and chorus of many other birds, The mozzies have taken their last bites of me as this new day begins.

A slight pink tinge begins to appear in the sky. I can see the light indicating the sun is coming up the hills behind my home block sunrise for a while but

It is really interesting to see a river fog being created as the sun begins to rise. Almost more of a winter morning than a late summer one.

If I had not been up as early as I was I would not have seen this beauty. As the fog ended up thick enough that I could not see across the river. It rose again at about 8:30am.
It may not have been the most amazing sunrise I have seen here. The morning was so unexpected and beautiful.
Even when I am not feeling so great with my mental illness (CPTSD) I am learning to find so much pleasure and contentment in what I have about me. I do understand I am very fortunate with where I live. Yet whilst I was very unwell I was not always able to see all that I had and find contentment. I am a bit flat lately and this may be a perfectly normal part of my life, and that is how I am seeing it, rather than seeing it as a part of my CPTSD. Learning to understand normal reactions to those that are triggered reactions. It is all part of my management and living my life with CPTSD.

I am thankful that I was able to enjoy so much this morning that our world has to offer if we just take a moment when we can to do something a bit different. I am thankful for where I live, thankful for my chickens.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

Dogs and Isolation.

Off we went for our walk this morning. It was wet but warm and the rain had stopped. Busby and Miss Treacle took off, up the drive to our small country road. Miss Treacle just races out my breath catches every time. Busby is incredible every single time we leave he looks to the right (direction in Australia cars would be heading towards him closest side).

It was muggy and I hate humidity I did not imagine Tasmania would have such humidity as it has in recent times.
Busby had gone and said hi to Chubbs and Toby at their gate across from us. They looked forlornly on as he raced up the road without even looking back.

We had not gone to far further up when we met Ruby and her owner. Do not mistake Ruby for a brown sheep. She is a sweet labradoodle. (her big brother is Basil he is a tenacious elderly pug who can no longer handle big walks).
We left Ruby and her owner and continued up the hill on our walk. Busby saw Toby (yes 2 Tobys, and when my third dog was alive there were 3 tobys on our small rural road). It did not look like Toby would be coming out to play as he sat by the fence. Then the gate was open, and WOWEee , it was playtime.

Miss Treacle was incredibly disappointed when she realised it was not her man but his wife who was with Toby today. She ignored her with disdain. The bros had a ball and stirred up the ducks by running straight towards them, not even really seeing them as they were playing. The ducks took flight.

The warmth and humidity rising and the evaporating water was forming clouds across the river and the clouds thinned. As we walked past Chubbs and Toby were still hopefully waiting by their gate wanting to play. It was not to be so the three of us headed for home.

I had to wheel my bin down to the road where the truck picks it up in the morning. As I was bringing it to the top of my driveway, I was almost flattened by three big dogs coming straight at me, the black ones tail wagging so much it nearly was ahead of his head. The boys had been released. They were thrilled.

Busby, Chubbs and Toby ended up playing ball in the paddock as I talked with their mum, and two teenager neighbours (all social distancing actually much more than the suggested space. The kids were earning their some money by bringing other neighbours bins down. Love their ingenuity. They ride their bikes down hill towing the bins. No fear these guys.

It has been another wonderful day spent in isolation? My routine continues in bed by 22:30 lights out, eating more healthily, walking every day, and showering every second day.

I do have to say, I feel so much better following this routine, I see how I really knew what was best for my own needs and am now working to ensure I follow this as best as I can. If I don’t make it to bed or eat healthy for a day, it is not a a failure in my eyes, it is just normal. I will just pick it up the next day. That is my plan.

I am thankful for the rain. I am so thankful for my dogs. I am thankful for having such great dogs living about us. I am thankful for my neighbours and the greater sense of community we have now. I am thankful for my garden. I am thankful for my warm comfortable bed. My doona, and electric blanket. I am thankful to have a roof over my head. I am thankful to have food and fresh water. I am so thankful for all that I have.

blessings Tazzie

To Do or Not to Do

I am not encouraged to write lists by my psychologist as when I do they can become a fixation of all that is too do about here. Interesting not writing any list is actually achieving more than having lists. I see why my psychologist made this suggestion to me now.

Let me explain what I am beginning to understand happens for me when I compile a To-Do List. I write all I know that needs to be done for me to feel that my house, meets some unwritten expectation a standard of acceptable that is in my mind.

Then add to that expectation that is hidden, yes hidden deep in the recess of my brain my own quirky need to feel that the house is not completely finished until everything is alphabetised or colour co-ordinated. Wow heavy stuff there.

Not only can I begin to get a feeling why I am basically frozen in place in regard to getting the inside of my house completed, well lets be totally honest here begun. I totally understand where and why this compulsion to meet ‘OTHERS EXPECTIONS’ in what is ‘MEETING THE ACCEPTABLE STANDARD’ of how my house must be before visitors could ever come inside. Or I could possible be happy to live here.

Two things hit me in the face immediately having written this in black and white. Every time I have referred to where I live in relation to this is my house, and not my home. Ponder that for a bit…

Second thing where the hell and who declared that houses had to meet a standard of acceptable.

Family yep from my maternal side. Interestingly my Grandmother was a cleaner in Motels/Hotels for many years. (I have cleaned houses and government offices).
My mother has always been a snob. Her world was always about having only the best and she would struggle to save and get it, fair enough and then when my parents business grew successful it became a much bigger issue. It was also the times I guess too.
Both of my parents families were poor, and my parents worked incredibly hard to give us kids a very different life with opportunities they could never have had. I am exceedingly grateful for that.

The really interesting things I recall from my younger years is that both sets of Grandparents always seemed so much more content than my parents.

My fathers business was all about image. He lucked out with me I could not really care about how I look or appear. I did play the game for many years, until I realised that I was really miserable and dying inside. So in my 30s I began to live more a life I found was right for me.

I still struggled with my two worlds and the power of parental indoctrination and severe punishment towards me for not meeting these ‘unknown acceptable standards’ in how a house has to be have been a massive issue all through my life.

Strangely I could only begin to see this clearly once I stopped seeing and speaking to any of my family. That was not that long ago. It has empowered me and has been a huge part in my moving forward I know.

The time is right for me to let go of the shackles of indoctrination and it is not just from my family, but media, those home renovation shows, the how to be successful concepts, movies, and uuugh celebrities and stupid reality TV shows. Advertising real estate agents magazines the morning shows. Even shows where people are building their own homes create this expectation in I am sure not just me.

I know what and how my home is going to be one day. It will be clean but not sanatised, there will be dirty dishes in the sink, but just that mornings until I wash up after dinner. There will always be books and stuff by my chair where I sit, knitting or crochet projects near bye. Plants and seedlings growing on shelves and in windows, dog hair, dog toys and dog blankets about the place. My photographic items and my paint and drawing items, along with my meditation and relaxation items.

There may very well be some muddy doggy paw prints on the floor as you come in (if it has been raining). Your clothes if you visit will have dog hair on them when you leave.

It will not have a big screen TV or a incredible sound system (no judgement you make your home as you desire). It will most likely have bread or a bikkies ( biscuits/cookies) in the oven, a home made cake. Good coffee and tea, but very simple food. It will be eclectic what many would think of as bohemian, to weird to ‘um very individual’ it will be me.

You would not be stepping over stuff on the floor, or moving about things hoping you knock nothing off. As it is currently. I can live with how it is right now as I have but it is gnawing at me. There is an feeling of the time is coming to begin.

As I type that I feel tight in my chest and neck a bit nauseous. I know why I am reacting like this. I am growing more and more attuned to why my somatic symptoms occur in regard to my thoughts of the inside of my house.

It is not as over whelming to me these days, it bugs me,

There is a lot you may have seen hoarders homes on TV, mine is nowhere near as bad as many of them but it is medium level I feel. There are no tall piles of stuff. I did have a few spots where there were and over the past few months have been very mindful to just take some things out and put them in the bin. So they are gone. Brilliant.

My kitchen is perhaps the worst area it is pretty disgusting. No it is really disgusting. I am being honest here.

I did decide for some reason to bring all my clothes into the living area, and they had been sitting on the lounge for months. They are all clean. I would just wash my clothes and chuck them on the pile.

I decided last week to begin on the living room. I wanted to position my lounge so that I could see the view and watch the TV plus be fairly close to the fire, (I will need to redress this most likely but that is another story). So the clothes were put on the stairs, and I was going to fold them up. Well that did not happen, and so the clean clothes have been siting in a pile on the table and chairs oozing over onto the floor. But the lounge it clear and the dogs and I all can sit on it together. Priorities may be skewed to some of you, but this is my journey.

I did throw a few items of clothing away. Yeah! I also created a pile of clothes to mend. Sigh, I can mend them, but will I. I cant afford to buy new things and these mended clothes extend my choices. Stop StOP. do not think about that now.

Ooops I am begining to make lists, even here and then I tend towards over thinking and exhausting my brain as it all just becomes too much and I freeze again. We have come complete circle now and perhaps it is clear to some of you reading this that my mind works in a interesting manner.

I still have a sort of fluid list stored in my brain. It does not cause me distress or angst, and interestingly as I said in the beginning of this post, things are getting done.

I am proud today as I have noticed grass growing in several places of my guttering, for months today I decided it needed to be removed and I did it cleaning out the gutter and now the forecast heavy rain will not back up and flow over potentially into the house. I am smiling as I write this.

A simple and small step, as I keep moving forward. I have not walked today as I have been doing some things in the garden and the gutter in preparation for the heavy rain, I did take the dogs for a drive and they ran. I aim to go for a short walk up the hill. If I do not I will not beat myself up.

I am thankful that I will be able to relax now and not stress about potential damage from overflowing gutters. I am thankful for how much better I am feeling since following my routine of regular bed lights out time, exercise and eating healthier. I am thankful for the sunshine today. I am thankful that many of my seedlings on the deck are growing well and looking healthy. I am thankful for my physical health and the improvement in my mental health. I am thankful for clean air, clean fresh water, more than enough food to eat. I am thankful for the roof over my head, the ability to be warm and dry. I am thankful for all the insects and frogs in my garden. I am thankful to have seen some honey bees about the garden today. I am thankful for a reprieve from the wind. I am thankful for my neighbours, and you.

blessings Tazzie

Darkness Fades to Lightness

It is windy and wet, snow is forecast down to 600metres /1967feet in Tasmania tonight minimum 1dC/33.8dF and a maximum of 12dC/53.6dF. Lighting my fire seemed like a wonderful idea. It is lovely to have, knowing that it should be easy to get going in the morning.
Daylight saving also ends for us in Several states tomorrow. It will confuse the the dogs perhaps. It usually is not so bad returning to normal.

There has been a lot of rain, and more forecast. Walking about my veggie garden between showers I pondered picking my pumpkins. The Waltheim butternut one and I can not recall the other variety. The corn also perhaps should have been picked today. A bit late now to be thinking about it. Though I notice my mind is rolling it about in its repertoire.

Sipping rose hip syrup in hot water is a truely beautiful herbal drink. There is no traffic on the highway across the river. All I can hear it the fire crackling and the metal creaking as it heats. It is so still. The dogs are both asleep soundly no noise from them either. My fingers on the keyboard typing, it feels as if I might be the only person alive. Snug in my home curtains drawn, I sit near the wood heater sending out my thoughts across the world.

A struggle this afternoon to keep myself from wallowing in my darker spaces. Deciding to keep out of an online support group for a wee while, as it is hard to sometimes be able to walk in someone else’s shoes without being pulled down a bit with them as you support them. Instead of allowing myself to get deeper in I removed myself, took my dogs for an actual walk up the hill, and chatted with a neighbour. (we were 15 meters or more apart)

My Government has been asking for Nurses who have let their Registrations lapse to consider coming back into help with the Covid-19 situation. The part of me that made me become a Nurse is wanting to go in and help.

After all that is what being a Nurse it is about. I miss being a RN so greatly. Feelings of being able to help and care for people. I know I can not do this.

Reality hit of course my mental illness has just been signed off on by a Psychiatrist as making me no longer able to work at all. On Thursday (yesterday) in the mail the letter from the Psychiatrist I saw two weeks ago, stating that my mental illness was incapacitating making me unable to work.
Even though relief flooded through me to have it confirmed; my mental illness was incapacitating to this level. It makes it final. Feelings of understanding that this is the battle that has been going on inside of me. Knowledge that it is final, I am unwell. The angst and battle that has been fought for almost a year to reach this point, knowing that in all reality this is just the first step completed in the application for disability pension.

My sleep has been long and deep the last two nights with the very real bizzare dreams that can be side effects of medication I take. Upon wakening it takes time to realise that you are not in the place the dream had you. Something only someone else who has experienced these types of dreams would truly understand.

Blogging is so helpful to me at times. As I write my thoughts, feelings, ideas, sometimes in the construction of one blog post as with this particular one, something clicks. A light goes on. Seeing everything written down in black and white, re-reading what has been written. I take note, that I received the letter on Thursday and have been sleeping deeply, and long since then. I had not realised that my brain and body had been anxiously waiting for this letter. That now it was real, it was OK for me to switch off.

Which also goes hand in hand with the darker feelings. Right now a wee flame has lit inside my chest. As my sensations are all aligned to my anxiety. A sense of loss over no longer being able to nurse, a real and valid feeling for what has occurred. Enough going on in my own life without me being able to uplift and support anyone else right now. I am not responsible for them or their actions.
The dreams well come and go. They do not scare me. It is perfectly normal to feel sad that my working life as a RN has truly finished.

I feel lighter. I am thankful that I wrote this post tonight. (I had actually compiled a different one). I am thankful to all the retired Doctors and Nurses who are able to help. I am thankful to all essential service workers, I am thankful for being warm. I am thankful to be in isolation with my dogs, who make me laugh, and give me such joy. I am thankful to all the people around the world who are doing the best thing for our essential workers our vulnerable community members, and ourselves by staying at home.

be safe, blessing to You all. Tazzie


I



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Productivity in Isolation

It was a wee bit weird to be heading off to my small village, after being at home for 14 days. I had to get a script filled, and buy a few essential things.


I was really quite amazed at how busy it was in my small village.
My local supermarket, IGA was stocked well with everything I certainly required. Yes some things I had to buy a different brand or variety, these things were a small price to pay to have what I needed. It was good that my Tasmania milk was available. There was toilet paper, flour, pasta, I did not need any of these. Dried fruit was a bit lacking. I was fortunate to get some sultanas. Just what I wanted. I have dried apricots I dried at home

I think I may have over dried them hard but delicious.

The plants in the photo below, are three I bought plus there are two lavenders on the right you can see the flowers. The three plants cost me $9AUS/$5.46USD/4.42 UK pounds a small prostrate rosemary, and two salvias, The two large lavender plants were selling for
$24AUS/$14.56US/11.14UKpounds each, but they were in the unloved plants area and were $12AUS/$7.28USD/5.57 UK pounds each. I have some cuttings I had taken of some friends lavender plants but they would take several years to be as large as these plants. I know exactly where all of them will be going.

I also purchased some potting mix. I had a lot of seedlings of cabbage and cauliflowers to pot up. I accidentally ordered to many from my local seedling man Dave. I thought they were one seedling in each pot when I read his post on what he had available. So I ordered three of each of four cabbages, two red and two white, and four cauliflowers two different varieties. When the order was picked up they were punnets. So I have so many to plant. I am attempting to put them in pots and in the veggie garden.

If You look at the photograph above you an see seedlings basically in the middle of the photo these are some of the seedlings. I have to take out the tomatoes I have picked them all and wait for them to ripen.

New England Honey Eater

I love my garden this salvia is loved by these birds. This wee New Holland Honey Eater was happily getting nectar as I was potting up seedlings on my deck.

Above are the 3kgs/6,61Lbs for $12AUS/$7.28USD/5.89UK Pound of tomatoes I purchased from my friends who had a veggie store at the Cygnet Market,(which is closed due to the Covid-19 virus). They are selling their produce from their gate, you order and they book you to come one at a time to pick up.
I wanted them for sauce. I had not told them this and they had picked me a lovely lot of varied ripeness tomatoes. I had to think fast. How could I ripen them all at once? I put them in my car, with the windows up. The next two days were gorgeous. Hot sunny and clear. This is how the box of tomatoes looked (photo above) when I took them out of the car/glass house. I have also used my car as a greenhouse for seedlings in the past.

I started the sauce yesterday (Tuesday). I had picked some rose hips in the morning to make some rose hip syrup. I put them on to cook, I just took the tails and heads of them, popped them in the saucepan whole put them on to come to a boil and left them to soften. I came back twice and mixed them to break the hips up and to release the juices. I then strained the seed and skins overnight catching all the juices. I then added some sugar. I do not add a huge amount as I do not like it too sweet.

The history of rosehip syrup

During the war, government scientists realised that, weight for weight, rosehips have over 20 times the vitamin C of oranges. So the Ministry of Food (UK) recommended rosehip syrup and a generation of children began receiving a daily dose.

During World War II, a national week for the collection of rosehips was established in late September. Scouts, guides and other groups would head out to harvest the nation’s hedgerows. In 1941 this produced a 200 ton haul of hips which made 600,000 bottles of commercially produced syrup!

With the growing popularity of foraging, the vitamin saviour of World War II has been making a welcome comeback.

As well as vitamin C, rosehips are a great source of vitamin A, D and E. They contain an anti-inflammatory and have been shown to help relieve the symptoms of arthritis.

https://www.woodlandtrust.org.uk/blog/2019/07/raw-rosehip-syrup/

Home goods for my pantry.

In the photo above the tomato sauce is in the large jars on the left( with the seeds in them). The small jars in front with the red colour are my four jars of rosehip syrup for over autumn and winter. To the right of that t

Blackberry Thyme Oxymel

Based on a recipe from “Wild Drinks and Cocktails” by Emily Han

Ingredients

6 oz container of organic blackberries (approx. 1-1/4 cup)

½ cup roughly chopped thyme

1 ½ cups of raw apple cider vinegar

1 cup local raw honey

Directions

Place berries in a bowl and lightly crush.

Coarsely chop thyme and combine with blackberries in a glass mason jar.

Cover with vinegar, making sure thyme and blackberries are submerged with at least 1/4 inch of headspace.

Use a non-reactive lid and store in a cool, dark space for 2 to 4 weeks.

Strain the mixture using cheesecloth, add honey and store in the refrigerator for up to 1 year.

Add your oxymel to seltzer or use as a base for sauces, marinades or salad dressing.  It’s a great way to stay healthy through the winter.
Recipe from https://soulholistichealth.com/blackberry-thyme-oxymel/

The final jar the tall jar on the far right with all the chopped up things in it is my Fire Cider Vinegar. I followed the recipe from Danus Irish Herb Garden. on Youtube. It is not quite ready to be strained.


I feel happy to have these items to go in my pantry in any year. This year with all that is happening as we here in the Southern Hemisphere are heading into Winter and the normal cold and flu season. The added concern of Covid-19. Well I want to be as prepared to have things to assist me and my body as best I can.

My garden provides so much the rosehips, the black berries, the garlic. All for free, as I now grow garlic from my own previous years supply. Horseradish seems to have fallen out of favour with Wasabi seeming to be many peoples preferred heat these days. I am very content with Horseradish.

I am thankful that Mother Earth provides me with so much free food. I am also thankful that she has given me the ability to grow things for myself.
I am thankful that I was able to go out and do what I needed to today. I am thankful to be home, in my safe, isolation with my two dogs. I am thankful for the lovely fresh produce that is grown around me in this beautiful valley.

keep well blessings to you all Tazzie





Mother Earth Takes a Deep Breath.

As many of us around the world are impacted and out lives have suddenly changed so much. There are actually some positive things we should be looking at for ourselves, and the Earth.

Sea Eagle soaring high above me. Huon Valley Tasmania

Many of us I believe will have seen the videos of Venice, the lack of pollution in China. Animals roaming in cities devoid for the most part of humans as we are the ones in many countries now being caged.

If you can I would like to look at how you are feeling. Take a deep breath just as Mother Earth is. She is look about you, the fauna and flora are adapting. It is painful for some animals who perhaps have over bred in areas where people have gathered and fed the wild creature. I certainly have seen videos of monkeys fighting viciously over a bit of food.
We created that too.

So these animals will fight, some will survive and some will be killed, some will die of injuries or starvation. Mother Earth is taking a deep breath and adjusting. While many of the humans are out of the picture.

Kelp Gull eating leftovers of a beautifully filleted salmon

We need to find beauty within our homes, our families, our flatmates/housemates, ourselves. We need to change our mindset, teach ourselves to not be bored.

I was so lucky to see a whale at Pirate Bay Eagle Hawke Neck Tasmania last year.

We also need to breathe. To learn in this time of enforced or chosen isolation to be playful, to unwind, to relax, and let go of many of the things perhaps we see as important.

Close up edited from my one of my original photographs as taken above.

Slow deep breaths. We need to be kind and caring for the people we live with, our neighbours, and keep an eye on each other. Here in my rural area there are about nine properties up our small road. We all know each other to chat with say hi too.

Sulphur Crested Black Cockatoo eating a pine cone to get at the nuts. Their beaks get covered in sticky sap and they drop the pine cones. Any unwary person who has parked under a tree for shade may find their windscreen shattered when they return.

For those of us fortunate enough to be with a roof over our heads, food, water, family and friends we can facechat or Skype, message ring, to keep in touch. We all obviously have internet access; otherwise how would you be reading this?
Even if like me you are isolated whether by choice or enforced, you can remain in touch with those people most important in your life.
Of course it is not the same as being able to touch them, hug them, hold them. We can still laugh with then, share what we are doing to keep us occupied or relaxed. Read stories to or be read to by our nieces and nephews, grandchildren, friends kids, We can still have a cuppa in a group with face time etc.
We can still connect and this is really important. No matter what we are the fortunate ones.


For a lot of us our politicians are working tirelessly to try and provide some form of economic relief for people, businesses and communities.

addit: I and my fellow Tasmanians are now not allowed to leave our homes except to go for essentials, to appointments for health, to work, or for exercise, we are only allowed to socialise with two people. Of course if there are more in your household that is OK.

Two of my neigbours our in isolation mandatory. They know if they need anything someone in the road will help them to get it if he/ she /I can.
I was informed today by someone I trust implicitly that Huonville has 2 people and Cygnet has one person with the Covid-19 virus. Tasmania my State only has a small population 535,000approx. 60 with the virus. My valley Huon Valley has 16,200 people (2016 CENSUS), so perhaps a few more since then. It is concerning when it is so close to you. I will be following all the guidelines we are being given.

Be safe everyone blessings to you Tazzie

Rapidly Changing Life

As things rapidly change here in Australia, and life for us all will be quite different. I know I am so very fortunate.

The weather during the day time has been really lovely sunny with puffs of cloud and gentle breezes. I love using my solar powered clothes dryer. And sat reading a book having a cup of coffee before I headed out to do one or two things. This was on Monday 23/03/2020 Australia.

The photos above are of my drive to some friends, a lovely couples who live about 13 kms from my home. They grow wonderful vegetables and fruit for their stall at the Cygnet markets.

Unfortunately the market has been closed due to the Covid-19 virus. It is not just our local market Fanklin, Geeveston, Cygnet the Wonderful Salamanca Markets an institution that commenced operating 48 years ago, and the Farmers Market in Hobart, have also closed as all markets across Australia have.
Leaving many growers, producers, and artisans with no customers and a lot of produce.

This wonderful couple work so hard and are pretty savvy. They just got on to the local community pages on facebook and were inundated with people who wanted to buy their organic tomatoes. I have bought 3kgs/6.16lbs at $4AUS/$2.39USA/2.03 poundsUK a kg for my own bottling. They were red in colour (but picked for eating as I had forgotten to say I wanted to bottle them). It was lovely that they had picked the tomatoes in various stages of ripening for me.

My dilema was how to ripen them all so I could bottle them. My solution is leaving them in my car. A easy and cheap green house. Problem solved.

The above photos are of their house and gardens, no one is currently allowed in their vegetable growing area. They had also staggered the time people were to come and pick up their ordered tomatoes. They had tried to meet all the current hygiene and social distancing guidelines. Your tomatoes were packed ready to go.

The other photo graphs are of the drive home. On the way I wanted to check to see if there was any mushroom compost from the mushroom farm. They grow oyster mushrooms and other oriental style mushrooms. When they no longer use their bags, they put them in the old apple crates below and sell them on the side of the road. They really just ask for a gold coin donation to cover the cost of moving them with the tractor and driver to the side of the road. I had been keeping an eye out for a few weeks. I was thrilled when I saw them and that they were full. I got out and rummaged through the crates, looking for the ones I hoped would keep growing mushrooms for me for some time to come. I have grown from some over the years several kgs/lbs of basically free mushrooms. Once no more mushrooms grow, the leftover compost, gets added to my vegetable garden. Win:win.
Cygnet Mushroom Farm uses a zero waste model. They even have bags on the side of the apple crates to put the plastic the mushroom compost comes in can be left behind. More information at the site below.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/rural/2016-10-06/cygnet-mushroom-farm-success-tasmania/7907960

The drive back home was pleasant and grey clouds were moving in. All in all it was a very enjoyable day.

As the pace of life is slowing and closing down on many of us due to being perhaps not able to work, to being unemployed suddenly and unexpectedly. To having your children home all the time and your partner, to those in share accommodation. Be kind to each other and thankful to have each other. Everyone of us is under more and more strain and stress and worry. Remember these feelings are appropriate for the situation.

What many of us may be feeling is grief. The sudden loss of our jobs, studies, being able to do things that make us happy and feel connected. The loss of social life and sports life. Going out and chatting over a coffee with friend or to a restaurant.
Weddings now in Australia can only occur if no more than 5 people including bridal party are present. Funerals can have 10 people.

We here in Australia are being told to stay at home (not enforced as yet) and to only go out for essential things, groceries chemist/pharmacy, petrol, work, taking children to school and picking them up. Nail and beauty shops are closed, general massage are closed but ones for medical reasons can go ahead. Hair dressers are still open as long as appointment is less than 30 minutes. Food courts are closed. The list is long.
Queues around the Centrelink offices (benefits) grow each day and their phone and computer services seem to be not able to handle it.
This changed overnight. I imagine that tomorrow we will see more changes. The change has happened so fast. No time for anyone to catch his or her breath.

I know I am one of the most fortunate people in Australia. I will still have to deal with changes and uncertainty.
I can only know how it was for me in the 90s interest rates went so high unemployment back then was extreme, stress, anxiety were extreme. As hard as it was to try to keep me going I would look for anything that made me smile, and make me see the beauty about me while my world was crashing around me. No control no money, lost my home, and almost homeless, but for the kindness of a friend of a friend.


I am thankful that Australia has had so few deaths, I am thankful for the financial assistance I and many other Australians are being given to assist us. I am thankful that it seems the Federal and State Governments are working more cohesively. I am thankful that ultimately I am so fortunate if one can be with a mental illness. Having CPTSD sees my life basically the way it has been for the last three years. I was working on being more social as both my psychologist and the psychiatrist I saw recently were concerned I was becoming agoraphobic. I am thankful that I am really aware of this now and am making a concentrated efffort to leave my home and go for a walk about my acre. I am working up to get back to taking my dogs for a walk everyday. We are allowed to do this as long as we keep social distance. As I live in a rural area this should be no problem for me.
I am thankful to have access to such great local producers and services. I am thankful to be able to make some tomato sauce base for over winter. I only had two jars left from my sauce from last year.
I am thankful for being able to dry my clothes in the sunshine and breeze. I am thankful for the rain that fell over night filling my rain water tanks and watering my gardens. I am thankful for all I have especially my dogs who have seen me through and have been my company constantly. They make me laugh and give me something to hug. I am also thankful for having commenced this blog, and found so many other interesting bloggers out there whom I have connected with.

Keep safe everyone,blessings to you all Tazzie

Hoarding

There are many reasons that people become hoarders. For me it resulted after my mental breakdown, I always had more wool than I could use and material. After my breakdown things changed. I would buy cheap synthetic yarns and material I did not even really like. Of course it and all that I gathered was not used, and it just grew and grew. As I recover I have donated most of this to community groups who do amazing creative things with it.

For some reason and I am fairly certain if was something to do with my family realationships. I am sorry but I can not remember what happened or when. This is part of my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have large periods of time, some times years that my memories are very uncertain.
Even today I can be confused and totally out of sorts as I may have lost a day, or several hours.

My home had a few issues that weighed heavily on me. A leak that was my whole focus for over two years, yet I was incapable of organising to have it repaired. It caused me a lot of anxiety and distress. I also damaged the copper pipe in my kitchen where the spout for the sink is attached behind the wall. So another leak. The leaks exacerbated my hoarding.

This also makes washing up really difficult. So my kitchen slowly has become and I am embarrassed to say this, a bio hazard in some ways. Another reason why I don’t let anyone in my home. As I write this I see that this also is a reason that I have provided to not deal with the pipe issue. It is another protective device to stop people entering my place. Now my somatic symptoms are appearing anxiety is increasing dry mouth I can hear my heart in my ears, and I feel nauseous. I also feel overwhelming tiredness. That is the strength of feeling that comes when I am triggered.

Anyone who has not had personal experience of a hoarder in real life, and not via say hoarder TV shows would not be prepared for the reality of extreme hoarding.
This house was not filled with rats feces or lots of dead animals there were obvious signs their had been mice and maybe rats. It was dirty and smelly from food and not being aired and heated. It was for a hoarders house surprisingly cleanish. Lots of dust and rubbish and news paper. It is a series on You Tube called The Potters House on Curiosity Incorporated You Tube Channel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb4SpyeH5IQ&list=PLHs6JH9ueCokcP2hje8PVPPqjucNJFUvO&index=2&t=0s

The house belonged to a renowned Canadian Potter Mary Borgastrom known as a primative and traditional potter using raku style firing methods. It includes an interview with Mary and the Alex,who was looking for Antiques. She only died on 3 April 2019. Alex managed to have an interview which is recorded as part 9 with Mary and the uploaded date is January 2019. So a couple of months before Mary died. Mary was 103 at the time of her death.

To me as a hoarder and yes it is much easier to clean a Hoarders home out when they are not living in the home and can not come and be involved. Most people would do very little searching I imagine in this situation, they would just get in there and be tossing most stuff out. Yet in the same sentiment many people in Alex’s situation would do the searching for antiques or treasures in a very different manner.

This is a 28 part series, and it is really beautifully respectfully and totally non judgmentally undertaken. I myself am only up to part 11 but for me it is an intriguing look at a issue that is far more prevalent than anyone knows. The true hoarder, and the fascinating life that is unfolded as this home is explored.
It for me as a hoarder is a very caring compassionate and generous loving way the whole process was undertaken. I am addicted and will follow to the end.

To have heard Mary Borgastrom speak to Alex, was really special. I noticed at one point a brief look of shame cross Mary’s face, this would most likely have been missed by many people.

For me it just reiterates that you really never know the full story of why anyone becomes a hoarder and can live the way we do.

TV shows are written to entertain, as well as shine alight on the growing issue of hoarding have been important but they are TV and it is an entertainment and educational tool.
Of course there will be issues and possible scripted drama.
My own personal experience when a support worker believed it would be helpful for me to have someone come and help me clean my home was horrendous.

I was not mentally well enough to respond or say no. I did not have a psychologist at the time, and in the end it went belly up and I ended up basically getting worse again and not seeing anyone. The person who came to help was lovely, and really wanted to clean my house. She had no experience with a hoarder. I just went along cleaning, and chatting. Trying to keep my head together. In the end after two visits I had to say it was not working out for me. I was so sorry she was genuinely well meaning, she was placed in a difficult situation with no experience or apparent awareness or understanding of my illness.

I see what the person whose home is being ‘dehoarded’ on TV go through. Their responses are very genuine, and it may that situations are created by the Producer to create drama. If that is so that is really disgraceful but I have felt at time there has been pressure due to time restraints on those helping and recording the show, wanting the before and after pictures being placed on the person they are helping.

My personal journey is taking me a long time. Each day I may do something small, really small like pick up and decide if I am keeping something or not. than thinking will anyone else really want it, generally the answer is no, and it gets moved closer to the front door. In the morning or later in the afternoon, I will take it to the bin. That process can be arduous, and exhausting. I know that seems so strange to people who have never been in this situation, and even for those who live with a hoarder, they often do not really understand what has occurred and why this has happened.

I understand for many who do not understand how any one could live as I and many other people do across the world, across race, religious, gender and socioeconomic classes, it is not ageist hoarding.

It also demonstrates that their is always a person with a full life and history within the hoarded stuff. That what is seen by you as rubbish can hide incredible things. Or not.

I went through a time when I had a thing for cardboard boxes and had so many empty cardboard boxes in my home it was difficult to move. No logic no reason that I can recall. I am using them now to lay down to kill the grass off in areas of my garden. This may have been why I began to hoard them I do not remember.

For me I am so much more aware of my hoarding behaviour and the triggers. Back in December 2019 I purchased three large packets of milk powder and six 2 litre boxes of UHT milk. I realised a couple of days later that this was not OK. I looked about and noted one or two other things that I had seemed to have accumulated more than I needed for a while. 6 packets of Lindt 85& chocolate.

Four months have passed since I bought these things and I have used none. This may change in today’s circumstances.

So today when I went out shopping for my normal weekly shop I had to really be aware of what I was buying. I needed not a lot, I was a bit mortified when I got to the checkout and was told I could not have my two tins of black beans, my two tins of tomatoes, and my two tins of mushrooms. I had not read any of the information sheets about limits. Somehow thinking that the volume of 6 tins is basically a fortnight of some foods for me. ( I was hoping to make a sort of bolognese s sauce with mince to have for dinner and freeze. Makes a great base for spaghetti, tacos, toast, all sorts of things. I would have made quite a few meals for the freezer for me as things I could heat up easily if I was unwell for any reason.

I was told by the lovely woman at the checkout that I could only have two tins. I said I only have two. She said no just two tins out of the six? They were limiting tinned vegetables now. I really felt for the staff as they are telling nearly every person going through the checkouts that they can not have things. It is hard when the list is not at the area where the food I bought was, to me it would have been easier to just print only two veggie tins per customer regardless of what vegetables. Just add to someone else’s work I guess. Plenty of staff at our Woolworths lately, all checkouts open. Funny how the companies have found the money to be advertising for more staff. I also noted many items had increase in price in both Woolworths and my local IGA.

I am so appreciative that I can get fresh greens out of my garden, and I will hopefully have more broccoli, coming along, I have some seedlings of beetroots carrots, cabbages, and lettuces.
It is more about my dogs that I was thinking of food for them as they are on a raw diet that I mix veggies with a little rice or oats. I have enough rice for a while, and I have about 1kg of oats, along with a couple of frozen bags of veggies, that they get. I have their meat in the freezer. You can feed your dog spinach and silver beet, brassicas and I am making an assumption that would include leaves but I have to look it up.
Well I have broad tastes so I can live without many things and chocolate has many healthy things, such as milk, nuts, fruit. in it.

ooops off on a tangent again. sorry.

So the Covid-19 has introduced us to a new type of hoarder, the food hoarder and toilet paper hoarder. Is this person the same sort of hoarder as me and Mary? I can not answer that but it may trigger something more. Anxiety and fear are what triggers my hoarding so I am finding. It would seem to me that is exactly the same thing that is triggering this panic shopping/hoarding food and other things.

I really do believe that there will be a serious world wide spike in mental health illnesses in relation to the supply situation, the fear of financial and employment problems, and I really hope that the Federal Governments and State Governments are taking that into the forecasting of the aftermath of this. Added to the already distressed areas where people were impacted by the bushfires, and those who were fighting helping supporting and actually fleeing. Humans are resilient but we all can break. Mental health I for one hope is being seen as a huge impact in the current situation and outcomes.

Today whilst doing my shopping I noted that I was not at all anxious, I was very appreciative for all the staff were and are doing and dealing with. I did find it exhausting, but then lights, muzak, so much noise, and over stimulation make me tired. I can not go anywhere near the washing powder aisles or the room de-odorisers either.

Mary’s incredible story has been found and shared, because of Alex a caring respectful man who found a National Treasure, and was lucky enough to meet here and interview her before she died.

Lessons should be learned on just respecting the person who is ill and their home, and the label hoarder is not the reality of who that person really is.

I hoard but I am me, a person and that is what is important. I have carried great shame and mortification about this expression of my illness. Not everyone with CPTSD hoards. I understand it is for me a way to keep people out, when you have major issues of trusting anyone hoarding sort of makes sense. Its a barrier to the outside wall. I can hide behind it and be safe and no one can get me.

I am thankful that I was able to get food today, I am thankful to all the staff at all the supermarkets and shops selling food and things that people are panic buying, for the staff who are doing their best to keep shelves stocked, and help people out, I am thankful to Alex from Curiosity Inc, for his compassion and care, respect and non judgment and his generosity in rediscovering an amazing woman potter and interviewing her before she died. I am thankful that I can provide for my dogs, who are my family and who saved my life, I am thankful to all the health workers around the world working and trying to help in this Pandemic, I am thankful to nurses who have come out of retirement to help,. I am thankful for the internet, for the ability to blog and share with each other our experiences and feelings. Many of us who have CPTSD and PTSD , anxiety and depression often self isolate with no Pandemic about. I am really appreciative of those who find my blog and read it. I am thankful for my community neighbours, and wider. I am thankful I am so fortunate. I think of people who are poor who can not be 1.5meters or 2.2 meters away from someone else as their homes are in the slums and packed in tightly. My thoughts to all of these people and may they be being treated as equals to everyone else in care. I am thankful to Rupali who widened my eyes and mind to this situation.

Blessings to You all Tazzie




Do it for yourself

Why would I shy away from my meeting with my psychologist? Our last meeting was good, as it ended she made a small comment along the lines how good it was that I had three people helping me with supporting and helping me.

Its true, I have three professional people helping me just to manage the things in my life that I am no longer able to manage. This is a serious part of my CPTSD. It is a part that is not visible and something I struggle with in myself. I get frustrated and flustered with the fact I have had to ask for a social worker to help me with paperwork.

I have always been very independent and strong. I have always found it impossible to ask for help. I have had too. It sucks. It was so hard for me to respond when my GP referred me to the Social Worker. I do have to say she has been pretty great in dealing with Centrelink for me. It is good.

So for me hearing the words I had three people supporting and helping me, the words have sunk down into my dark place, quietly and my reaction is self preservation and do not talk to anyone!
The positive is that I am aware of what is going on. Which says how far I have come. Insight is always a good place to start.

My psychologist has sent an email. I of course have not read it yet. I will as I will also compile an honest email to share what has/is happening within me at the moment. Perhaps this will happen over the weekend.

The the three people who are supporting and helping are my psychologist, GP, and a Community Health social worker.

I need them all at this point in my life and I am very Very appreciative, and happy to have them to help me and support me as I keep moving in a forward direction.

If I could share one thing with anyone asking for support and help may be really hard. If you need some, ask for it. Having a social worker who is able to speak to Centrelink for example on my behalf, we had to have an authority signed by both of us to say she could. Just having this has been a huge help as I know I can contact my social worker and she will deal with the issue on my behalf. Dealing with Centrelink has triggered me a lot over the past years.

Pushing through my own emotions and anxiety to ask for help has been a positive thing for me. It can be for you too. If you need support and help. You like I did have to breathe and do it for yourself. Asking for help if and when you need it is a good thing.

I am thankful for the three people who are supporting and helping me on a professional level. I am thankful that I did ask for help.

blessings to you all Tazzie


Forgiveness

I ran into someone today in Huonville who asked me how I was, as they had not seen me for a while and I was very rarely on Facebook. I responded no I did not go on much. That I was actually not bad, and quite content being at home, attending to things. He asked me if I was unwell withdrawn or OK being at home.
I reassured him that I am perhaps feeling the best I have been in a long time. That I was OK at home. I was very aware I need to have social input. At the same time I know for me that I need to limit that.

I surprised myself when I said this. I also realised the truth I had spoken.

I enjoy my lifestyle and always have tended to be happy enough on my own (apart form when I lived with someone and especially when I lived with my partner for a lengthy number of years before he died).

I have a lifted spirit, and have be doing some small things in my home.

Now I do not think I have mentioned, that part of my CPTSD saw me become a hoarder. It was the way for me to keep people out of my home. It was cheaper than building a wall, and along with never asking anyone to visit, created a total impregnable barrier.

Several of years ago, while seeing another psychologist (whom I never really connected with Though he thought differently. Weird that, I read some notes he wrote to my GP at the time, whose office closed and I was able to get my complete notes from it ). He decided to work with the hoarding as my major issue.

This psychologist also encouraged/pushed me to be referred to a social worker. Who was a nice enough fellow, but not at all it seemed to me at the time, or in hindsight knowledgeable about hoarding and how to help.

I was extremely unwell at the time, and really was not able to say no to things. I also was fighting to stay out of hospital. As I did not want to have to be admitted to the mental health ward/s I had worked.

After a few visits at coffee shops with the social worker, and me sharing the issues of hoarding and my home with him. He somehow ended up coming into my house with my invitation. Within three days I had a skip and someone coming to help me get sorted. Perhaps anyone with anxiety, CPTSD and huge trust issues might understand the distress and angst I was feeling. I was extremely worried that the person coming would know me. Maybe in a professional capacity.

I also felt mortified because unbeknown to me the social worker had hired a large skip to my place.

The day came and the woman turned up. She was a lovely person, and I saw the disgust and sadness in her eyes. She was a doer. She was a cleaner not someone with knowledge or experience of assisting hoarders to work through the hoard and issues that go with that.

This was not her fault, and as she was in my home and I was so unwell mentally, that we both just began cleaning and throwing things out. All the while me feeling panicking, and sick in my stomach. I had a headache, my jaw was clenched and I did not want to chat. I dreaded each day she was due.

I did attempt to explain my situation. She bless her did her best. I on the other hand felt pressured and guilt, I was very ashamed and distressed. I continued with this set up for four weeks. In the end I had to say to the social worker that it was causing me great angst and I was feeling worse especially on the mornings she was due. I was triggered and I just wanted to not answer the door in fact I did not want to get out of bed.

It is quite strange even writing about this situation is causing the symptoms again.
In the end I explained to this lovely woman it was just not working for me. That I had appreciated her help very much. When she left I went to bed and did not get up for two days, except for the dogs and my needs, and food for the dogs.
I ignored for the next fortnight the Social workers calls, and messages.

Eventually I came out of my room and contacted him. He was helping to find a Mens Shed Organisation to come and take my partners wood turning and wood working set up as a donation.

This was going to be so hard for me. I had taken ages to decide what I wanted to do with it all. I thought about selling it but I was to unwell at the time and I just wanted it all gone.

I had been in his workshop and sorted through everything that I wanted to keep, I had taken some items into the house, and stacked everything else separately away in a corner. I showed the social worker what was to remain.

I knew it was going to be a traumatic and emotive time when the lathe and his own tools were removed. I could not be at home while it was happening. I explained this to the Social worker, and he reasured me he would be there.

I was numb when I left in the morning. I took my dogs for a walk along the river and then we went and met up with a friend at a local cafe. I was not thinking about any of it.

A few hours later I returned home with great trepidation. I was really uncertain how I was going to be impacted with my partners passion his wood turning lathe, his carving tools, his woodworking books, the band saw and the bench all gone.

I parked the car, let the dogs out and noted that the large skip was fairly full. I wandered over and to my dismay there were all the things I had put aside that I wanted. Things that I needed for the garden, some paint to finish some things. Bits and bob, netting for my fruit trees. All covered in oil and sawdust. I panicked and attempted to pull everything out, but items were broken, and as I said covered in oil. Some of the tins of paint had spilt. I was so upset. I recall I just threw my arms up in the air and sobbed loudly.

I then charged up the steps into the workshop. I stopped and was flummoxed. There was just an empty room. A totally EMPTY ROOM. All the shelving had been removed. All the containers of screws, nails, bolts, bits and pieces that my partner had saved, collected to repair things in your home. Especially when you are the person who built the home and know every nook and cranny every gap and thing that will get finished one day. The chain saw and drill, the axe. Paint rollers, brushes. My things that were now in the bin. Destroyed. All The very things I had said to the social worker were to stay!

How could this have happened.

I was floored. I was angry, wounded, I was bewildered, lost. I had made sure the social worker knew what was too go. What was to stay. How could this of happened? Of course it was to late to contact the social worker by this time.
A really bad nights sleep, and my mind just going over and over what did I do or say wrong that caused this to happen. Grief overwhelmed me, I had lost everything EVERYTHING and given away treasured items, I felt so let down.
I rang the social worker in the morning. It was quite weird and I have to honestly say I do not have a huge recollection of what happened, with the exception that he did say he was not there at my house when the men came to remove everything. I had never met any of these men, I did not know any of their names I did not even know where everything ended up. I know at that point I really just shut down. I could take no more.

I never spoke to this person again. I never reported or lodged a complaint. I just sat in my home, cuddling my dogs. I stayed home for a few days and began to hoard even more bizarre things. I did not go out, I did not shower, I did not clean, wash up. All I could manage was to ensure my lifelines, my dogs were exercised fed and loved.

The trust I had begun to rekindle in people was gone. TOTALLY and UTTERLY gone.

I did eventually realise how I was deteriorating and went to see my fantastic GP (who left a year later to go and become a psychiatrist) . It was through her I was put on the council program and met the psychologist I have now.

Now if I feel that my trust has been taken advantage off, or I have been manipulated I do not even bother to say anything. I just never go back to the place, or deal with the person, or continue the friendship of the person where I feel this has happened.

It took me so long to be able to ask for help.
Then to let someone inside my home and see how bad it was.
To let someone in to help me ‘clean’

Even now as I write I feel violated and that is such a weird word to write when I am talking about this.

I am OK and it always help to share and write things down I find.

I feel from my own perspective and experience. The ‘kind meaningful help’ that can be offered to anyone with a mental illness or chronic illness, a disabilty, are so very subjective and if respect and understanding, and most importantly keeping the promises you make as a paid support worker are not met.
I ponder how the duty of care is maintained.

Perhaps if I had lodged complaints about what occurred it might have helped. I was to unwell and mentally not competent to undertake this. Not even in a phone call. I could not even say what I really felt to the social worker.

What I do know is that it put me backwards in my treatment and I quit the psychologist at the same time, never explaining or seeing him again. He never followed up to see if I was OK.

I struggle now to let workman into my home. I need a couple of things fixed.
I let one in to fix a leak under my verandah door upstairs in my bedroom, that leaks into my kitchen.
He assured me he could do it. He was a lovely man. I had to call him back three times as each time (when it rained the leak was actually worse than it had been origianlly).
In the end he just said he could not do anything else? I wanted to scream, again I could not. I had paid him in full. (you only find out the job doesn’t work when it rains. I did not think to put the hose over it. So now I can not afford to pay someone else to fix it.
I dont have any trust in anyone else to fix it. I keep thinking I can probably fix it. (maybe I can). lol.
Living rurally can be hard to get anyone to come out here.

Even with sharing all of this, I still feel better than I have in a long time.
I am sleeping in weird patterns, I sleep for two weeks 12-14 hours then for 4 night 4-6 than the for some nights 8 hours. It seems to be a cyclic thing, so perhaps the medication. I also have really bizzare dreams and sleep very heavily. I do find taking paracetamol and ibuprofen seem to stop the dreams. That seem so real.

wow did this post go a way I did not see coming..

I am falling in love with my home, I am seeing it again, and wanting to slowly remove things. One of the things I was hoarding were cardboard boxes. To use to kill of the grass about the veggie area and pathways. Now I bring a box home, empty it, and then flatten it and go place it out side where I want it to go.
There are no boxes inside my home. Where a few months ago I had 30. One situation is being managed. I am proud of that.

Moving and improving your life with CPTSD is about so many things. I found forgiveness was a huge milestone for me. I may have posted this on another post. Forgiving the people who abused me. Not to their faces, or in writing. I just voice my forgiveness. I did it purely for me. I just basically with a sincere heart said. I forgive……,……, and……,……. ect for what they did to/at/against me. I will let it go.
I felt something give, something change. Like a hole opened and a light shone inside me. I felt brighter. I felt less anger.

It has been over a month closer to two since I did this.
I now am able to work on changing my mood and not fixate so much. I am more positive. This ties in to the very first paragraph.

I have forgiven the Social Worker and the Person who came to fix my leak. Again not in person, or a letter but for me. I feel a sense of another piece has fallen off my wall.

I am thankful that all this happened as it was through this whole shebang that I ended up on a Huon Valley Council mental health package where I met my current psychologist. I am so SO very thankful for Her.

I feel at peace in my home. I no longer want to flee, because I can not deal with the hoard and mess. I don’t like the way it is however I know that it is a very slow, time consuming and emotive at times, work in progress. That in all honesty I must do on my own.

Umm Have I mentioned I have a bit of a tendency for OCD. Now my psychologist explained it well to me. When my home is clean and comfortable. I tend to like my CDs in alphabetical order, my books in genre and alphbetised by Author. My pantry in food types and alphabetised, My wardrobe and drawers in type ie pants, shirts and within that colour groupings. So her feelings are that it part of what is inhibiting me.

Perhaps I will share more of my work in dealing with my hoarding here.

I also note that having connected with so many other peoples blogs some with CPTSD some with depression anxiety, physical, chronic, illnesses and disabilities, others with none. Connecting and reading stories written by wonderful writers, from all over the world.
Connecting with an supportive art group from beginners through. I am meeting people I would never have had the opportunity to have connected with in my life here in Tassie.

I feel so thankful to have all of these experiences, I feel thankful to have had my breakdown and I know that sounds really weird. I just see my life in such a very different way now, and I accept it. I also do not really care if others do not.

I am so happy to have connected (even if I have not done any painting this week ) with the art group, I am thankful for them and Charlie for his blog Doodlewash. https://doodlewash.com/

Thankful to my neighbours, who I know keep an eye on me.
Especially thankful to these two.

blessings to you all Tazzie

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