Here I am:…

Heck here it is July, I feel as if I have been on a different planet over the last few months. Its is all good just nary a post.
Winter here in glorious Southern Tasmania the wood fire is going, and snow is on the distant mountains, as I sit writing listening to my two dogs are chomping on bones. We have all been on a short walk. The frost is still present and the sun has not reached my place as yet.

However today is going to be glorious and whilst I wait for the sun to come over the trees(how I wished I lived on top of the hill and not down near the river lol, though in summer I am happy in this position). I aim to get back into the garden, to clear an area of my ‘veggie growing area’. I also aim to dig at least one hole a day for about 10 days for the new fruit plants I have purchased that will be coming soon as bare rooted stock.

My mental health on the whole is good, I have no regrets about coming off my medication (with support) for me it was such a wonderful thing to get me through the really bad period, as I had and continue to have support from my psychologist. I knew it was time. I have not had an ADHD assessment done, yet in my heart I believe it is a fact, and wow if I had known years ago what a difference it would have made in lots of ways. Now this knowledge lets me relax about so many things that often would cause me anxiety and distress.

I took a break of several hours and worked outside in the garden. Winter gardening is all about the weeds and planning. Preparing and dreaming. I am just pottering attending to so many things slowly that have been neglected or forgotten in the last few years. Self care was my highest priority as I adjusted to life with a mental illness, asking for help (hard to do for me) and utilising the help both medication and professional. I feel right now as if I know what I need. I am working towards this and as I do I am content, even with any discontent.

Today lovely sunny one down here in the Huon still and just one of those great winter days. I decided to begin on an area of neglect in between the chicken run and my veggie garden. I had attempted to before I became ill create a pathway for the chooks out to the paddock, so they could not be tempted into the veggie garden. Well that all fell by the wayside and what I was left with is blue steel fencing embedded into the soil (that had made itself over the last 5 years and impaled by the most horrendous grass ever. (I call it onion grass because it bulbs and spreads and its a nightmare).

In the final photo you can get an idea of how deeply buried the fencing wire mesh was. Still more to do. I sort of got sidetracked when I popped into the veggie area and decided to weed a bed. I did come back and pick up all the onion grass and all bulbits I could (little buggers always miss one or many!) Used the top of the old dog house to through all these horrible pulled and cut out grass bulbs, which means no touching the dirt. Tool of choice was a serrated edge steak knife!

The garden bed I was distracted by. A lovely weed filled bed with grass growing around it and weeds. is the one on the left of first photo, completed clearing around the edges and inside. Winter is proving to be the time the weeds are sprouting here at my place.
I may not have dug a hole and prepared for a new or older plant to go in today, I did weed a bed, always choices when you have a garden and always manyana.

I am now looking forward to tomorrow, as the weather is again meant to be lovely as today. I have my eager helpers the dog/s and chickens and I hope to do more of the buried treasure recovery.

blessings to You, Tassie.

July 3, 2022 13

Stranger at the door.

This morning I was awake early for a Saturday morning. I lay in bed watching the sunrise, and listening my two cockerels crowing. My dogs and I are sleeping on my mattress down stairs(Bubsy was not allowed to go up stairs when he had his cruciate ligament operation). He has recovered but it is cooler down stairs and I have hope I will get my bedroom painted, before the cold weather arrives.

So the three of us were on the mattress, Ms Treacle and Busby asleep; I noticed movement on the stairs on my deck and saw a small wallaby. A incredible way to begin a morning.

*Good Morning what are you doing in there?*

I was meeting up with someone who was giving me a mother for making Kombucha,it was a transaction to be carried out in the car park of a business in Cygnet. After my morning wake up visitor, I headed to the shower. Then the dogs went for a run. Loaded them up into the car and we headed into Cygnet.
As I was driving a grey Goshawk(which is actually white) flew up off the edge of the road, and flew in front of my car. Sadly I did not have my mobile or camera to hand. Yet sometimes the lived experience memory far outweighs the image. I can still see the bird quite a large one flying up. I imagine it’s breakfast was laying in the long grass alongside the road.
I could not help but appreciate how incredibly lucky I was.

On arrival into the small village near where I live, I saw several other folk who were ‘loitering’ at 9am on a very quiet Saturday morning in Cygnet. A vehicle pulled in and jars were handed out. We thanked the wonderful woman who was sharing her mother with us. Off we went onto our day. As I had not eaten or had a coffee at home, along with it being a truly stunning Autumn morning, I chose to have breakfast at one of the wonderful cafes in our village.

*Hardly a car or person in Cygnet. 9am on Saturday morning of a long weekend.*

One of the many businesses lots of local artists and creative work sold here.

It was a short walk to the cafe. We arrived and were the first outdoor customers. The Port Hole Cafe uses locally grown vegetables and all deserts are gluten free. Cater for vegans too. They do serve meat meals. Wonderful coffee and is a lovely out door area, with herbs and flowers growing around the perimeter.
As I sat waiting for my order, other people began to arrive for breakfast. Many bringing their dogs. Most eating places in town with out door areas are dog friendly. Huon Valley is a wonderful dog friendly community.

You are supposed to have your dogs on lead in all public areas (unless other wise noted) Miss Treacle was sitting under our table in the shade. I was thrilled to meet up with two wonderful women and as the cafe began to fill enjoyed a couple of hours catching up and sharing with the ladies, meeting and greeting for my dogs, and saying hi to many people I knew. The cafe was filling up fast. I discovered it was Regatta Day and the local sailing club were conducting a race from another bay further around (quite a way ) called Kettering. This is where you catch the ferry across to the wonderful Bruny Island. The sailing club was racing from there back to Cygnet. A lot of other activities were happening. I had intended to drive down and take some photographs, alas I was running close to another meet up I had this morning. We all said our see you’s and my dogs and I went for a walk up the road and back to the car. I had to do some grocery shopping, and did this quickly. We headed home.

I had surprised myself two days before I had offered some rose hips to some one on the local crop swap Facebook page. She no longer needed them another person did. Without thinking I invited her to my place to pick as many as she liked. WOAHH no anxiety, no what if, and today no regret. I was so amazed that I did not cancel, or have somatic reactions to knowing a person I had met only a couple of times in the community was coming to my place. MY PLACE.
No one has been to my home in so long even in the garden. Especially someone I did not know very well. Yet I felt no anxiousness, of feeling of wanting to cancel of flee. It seemed strange that not one iota was present.
When the woman arrived We walked around the outside of my home, (which is not neat and tidy or beautiful to share with others), as a hoarder working to resolve this, a lot of things are waiting to be dealt with and things that I have managed to move out of the house in the last two plus weeks are waiting for a friend who has offered to help me take stuff to the tip. Two things in this paragraph seem so extraordinary to me.
Someone came to my home no anxiety, I have moved stuff to get rid of out of the house.! Only someone who is a hoarder, loves a hoarder, or is wondering if they still wish to be with the hoarder or is fed up and wants to help the hoarder get rid of the hoard.
How is this possible? As someone who has been diagnosed with CPTSD, my hoarding became another symptom of my mental illness. By having things in such a situation and way for me, (and each person who is a hoarder is dealing with their own issues and recovering is a very individual experience). You can not MAKE a hoarder change, You can not get rid of the Hoarders ‘hoard or rush the individual. As frustrating as that seems, we are fragile. The hoard whilst not necessarily valuable or as in my case in the best of condition or even seemingly rational to other people, even those closest to the person who is hoarding. For me cardboard and newspapers were a huge thing, my carport is full of cardboard boxes. They are for my garden but when they were coming into the house and taking up space and growing, that was a huge problem. I managed to get them outside and for me, now, I know I will be using them for the garden over the next few months Autumn and Winter. My visitor saw all this, she saw the two arm chairs outside and other items making my drive area what it is. I felt ok with that.
There are two boxes in my living room at the moment and they are being filled with smaller bits and pieces that need to be moved outside to be taken to the tip

I am so happy so incredibly happy I have been saying for months to my previous GP, that I was feeling like my starter motor would not turn over. This GP disagreed saying I was not motivated. I was flawed by this insensitive comment. I responded to her, I have managed to have a shower, get in my car and drive 70km/ 44miles one way to this appointment. I am motivated. I want to get into my home…I cant’.

I left this GPs office and was fortunate that at this moment the GPs closest to me was taking new patients. It was meant to be.

If you have not read previous posts in regard to my accidental cold turkey coming off Desvenalfaxine (Pristiq), one month ago today. I do not recommend it, I have been incredibly fortunate with my withdrawal process. You really need to do it with support and being taken off it slowly.
I am still experiencing odd symptoms of withdrawal.

The importance of having someone I don’t really know come to my home and see how it really is was horrifying to me, the hoard meant no one came to visit, it kept /keeps me safe and no one comes into my home, or garden. Yet today they did, and it was wonderful. Not to feel anxious but to enjoy sharing about her garden and small business (she and her hubby grow organic veggies and salad mix sell it to the cafe I had breakfast at and other places). I shared with her that I was a hoarder and working towards recovery, a very slow process. That was all that was shared about it. we just chatted as she picked the rose hips. In exchange I received three organic eggplants/aubergines. I have not regretted even now as evening approaches her coming here. I have not felt sick in my stomach. I have felt thankful that my starter motor is kicking over.
I am glad I did not believe or agree with what my previous GP thought. For me after several years on the medication that saved my life and I am eternally grateful for it. I am through a lot of hard work and emotional distress anguish thanks to my wonderful Psychologist who has ensured that I remain on her books even when I could not afford to pay for her services(she bulked billed for me); has seen me able to have the same psychologist (as a low income earner for three + years). Prior to this I would see one for so many weeks there contract would not be renewed another would come along and I would have to start again with them, this actually I really believe made my mental health worse.

I understand not many are as fortunate as I have been in this situation. I also know it is very early days in my medication free life of a person with a diagnosed mental illness. I am just trying to eat as well as I can; which as a hoarder this is not always easy, and I not always brilliant at it. My kitchen is pretty much at the moment a state of disarray, and whilst I can prepare some things; I have been working on the kitchen. I have a floor space that has basically nothing covering it piled up a couple of inches. It is floor boards I am walking on. Things so many things have been thrown out that had been on the floor and well might be able to be saved/fixed..nope my mind now is I have been walking on this shit for a long time, (fluctuated over the course of time ).

Today started out so beautifully and as the sun sets here in southern Tasmania at 19:32 the days are drawing in, it is a clear sky and it will be a crisp night. I Love Autumn/fall. I will be going to sleep with a sense of peace. Amazing. It is so hard to explain when nearly every thing about your life when exposed to others can be so triggering and to not have that experience at all today or now made the beautiful start go all day and I feel my dreams will be peaceful.

I am thankful that there are people clever enough to work on medications that can help people such as myself get through the roughest patches. I am thankful that I am strong enough now to listen to my own voice about my mental health. I am thankful for the fact the withdrawal symptoms are lessening. I am thankful that I have a new GP who has really taken the time in the three appointments each over 40minutes bulk billed(health care card holder) to get to know me, what I have been dealing with and where and what is happening for me now. She also has spoken with my psychologist (with me permission very happily given ) and is now comfortable with where I am at to follow up in a month. (to begin with and it must be hard to meet someone first time who is coming off antidepressant cold turkey and tells you that is how it will continue. ). She was somehow concerned I may be suicidal (no matter how much I reassured her I was not. I was seeing her weekly.. for three weeks. So I did have her support for the last three weeks coming off the antidepressants. I am so fortunate and so very thankful.

my soul and heart ache for all people who are going through horrendous conflict /war situations, those who are loosing their jobs and now must survive in Russia with prices rising rapidly. Those who are defending their countries/communities in all conflicts around the world. For those who are griveing for all they have lost family friends livelihoods, pets, homes, everything. There are no words none. It does not help you I understand. I really can not do anything to help but donate money and hope it gets to organisations that will ensure all or the majority of it gets to those who need it!.

I know I am rich beyond words. I know I live in an incredibly safe place, and Have more than I need.
may you all be safe, Tazzie

March 12, 2022 3

Pt 6 Withdrawal experience with a look at my garden and what is happening.

Warning please seek medical support prior to going off any mental health medication. Withdrawal from medication/s is a very individual experience and my experience is mine alone. I do not encourage anyone from stopping any mental health medication without support of your GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I worked as a mental health qualified Registered Nurse RPN and RN I did not mean to do my cessation like this this it was very much situational.

Day 15. I know some of my readers have been missing my ‘normal posts’. I have been thinking about this a lot; I woke up this morning I decided to share my garden as it is right now. Heading towards the end of summer here where I live in the Tasmania’s Southern most Council in Australia.
I can not explain how different I am to how I was just three weeks ago. I am one very lucky woman, I as any of you have been reading my withdrawal posts know am doing cold turkey of the medication. Not deliberately but through situational a comedy of errors so to speak. You can read about that here https://wordpress.com/post/echidna.home.blog/7015

My vegetable garden is a sad representation of its normal self. A combination of how I was feeling on my medication, Busby my larger dog having a Cruciate Ligament operation, and no rain since December/very early January has impacted a lot.
My deck garden has been cared for and I am learning so much what I can grow on it and the possibilities for next spring and summer. I am planning and have planted seeds with the aim to have beets, carrots, brassicas and a few other bits and pieces from my deck.

My front entrance garden is basically just dirt. I have watered and fed it, the fact that my garden is one of the very few now in my area that is accessible and provides the native and non natives food and greens along with seeds and my veggie waste sees the front of my home at times a bit like Dr Doolittle’s or at least how I imagine it.

What I am finding as such a positive change is that I am just doing it. I am just getting into clearing mess and dirt including much to my mortification mice droppings and the odd dead one. So far no more nests. Today I began in the kitchen. The floor was/is revolting. I am so please that I have removed so much dirt and mice mess. I went into one of my storage cupboards where I have tinned items. Discovering that mice love labels, I am thankful that they have left parts of at least one, and I know that I stored them in like with like. I will have a few exciting unknown tins. Most of these are beans or tomatoes. I have not done any preserving/bottling of any sort this year. Knowing I had quite a lot of tinned items I had purchased over the last few years on top of the things I had made last year and the year/s before. I am old enough to not care about dates on tinned or jar purchased items. Similar with dried beans. I was taught by my Gran what to look for in bad or suspect tins.

I am set for Autumn and Winter lovelies. I actually feel I could live on my pantry stores for the whole of winter and only have to purchase flour, fresh veggies I might need, meat and dog food. So incredible to have this. I feel so wealthy. I also have plenty of fresh herbs, spices, and if I can ever discover where my hens are laying their eggs, I imagine as last year the dogs and I had enough eggs for our own needs over winter.

It is so hard to attempt to explain to others, that I am beginning to feel like the memories I recall off before my breakdown and how I felt. I need to reassure you that I had ups and downs back then as any normal person. I also experienced bouts of depression over the years with the extremes that implies.

What I am incredibly aware of is the possibility is ever present that once off my medication and completed the withdrawal process, there is always a chance I will need to go on medication.

The difference for me now to previous is I have changed my thinking process. I have worked through and continue to work through the feelings and life issues that created what I have lived with for way too many years. No contact with those who abused and neglected me throughout my life was the biggest intentional change along with telling them they were not welcome in my home ever again.
I am also privileged and am very very aware of how fortunate I have been to be seeing at now cost to me ever the same psychologist for several years perhaps four. Someone I respect greatly because as anyone who has mental health illness is aware so often, especially when you are on low income or as I was and remain on Government support. Your psychologist/counsellor/psychiatrist seems to change regularly. Which for me in the past has been detrimental and to have to begin again sees me avoid the whole process. It was also the problem of not connecting with quite a few of the psychologists over the years. I am not one for lectures and homework, goal setting or those positive/mindful platitudes that so many folk have seemed to feel helpful for my mental illness and getting well. If they work for you great. Treatment for mental health illnesses are as varied as the individuals experience of the illness.
Under the Disabilty pension I am on now I have access to the National Disablity Insurance Scheme gives me a certain amount of financial access to support and service to enable me to live my life. I am able to continue to see my psychologist. I pay nothing for this and I am able to see her every 3 weeks. We have been Zooming since COVID. I am appreciative as I do not have to do a return trip to Hobart every 3 weeks a round trip of almost 200kms. We are also currently paying over $1.85AUD/1.34 USD/ 1GBP/1.19euro per liter/0.26th gallon(1 gallon is equal to 3.74 litres, so one gallon of petrol cheapes andlowest rated in Australia cost $6.92AUD/$5.00USD) so for the cheapest petrol pump your own. The petrol station in Cygnet(closest village to me) has a full service petrol station. I am not aware of the price there but is several cents a litre more expensive. Oops of on a tangent. I will have a face to face appointment in a few months probably.

For me I am delighted with how I am feeling, and doing things, even with the negative withdrawal symptoms of coming suddenly off Desvenalfaxine/Pristiq. There are some that continue such as joint and muscle pain, and short shape pains like a needle prick regularly. I am still a little dizzy at times and or light headed. I am no longer nauseous. I still feel cold often and no my iron levels and all other vitamin levels that impact your body feeling cold nor am I menopausal. We are having warm humid weather summertime here!. I put it down to withdrawing. I continue to not be hungry and eating simple but pretty healthily. I cooked a whole chicken and generally eating a chicken wrap with salad. Nuts and some apples from last year. (new seasons coming Yipee). Or as tonight I made a beef laska from my left over roast.
I have to really work at myself to get to bed at good time for me. Lights out no later than 10:30pm. Preferably earlier.

As the withdrawal symptoms play around with me, I know that considering I stopped cold turkey I have been very fortunate with how little they have really impacted me. For this I am so appreciative. I know that I am one of the lucky ones so far with my experience of sudden withdrawal.

blessings to You, Tazzie

March 1, 2022 7

A lovely day to have a panic attack.

How are you? Me? I am plodding along. Its Thursday evening here 18:46 the sky is filled with grey clouds. The sailing club is out racing and the hills along the river are so green and water filled that it is beyond belief that they can possibly hold anymore water. Yet we are forecast more very wet weather here in my valley. It has been amazing in the spring garden and the bulbs and fruit trees have blossomed so vibrantly. We seem to be having three-four days of very heavy rain and colder temperatures and tomorrow and Saturday are forecast to be single digit (Celcius) maximums. So I have just put some dry (as in not wet) but very dry (as in not green) wood ready to if need by light the fire in the morning. Snow forecast down to 600m(1967f) tomorrow in some areas too. Up to 40mm (1.6 inches) rain forecast in my valley.
The preceding days were gorgeous, blue skies, still and hot. Lovely. I was working in the garden removing black berries roots and vines that were bursting into tendrils wrapping themselves about the chook runs fence and about one of my hazelnut bushes. Makes for very risky picking. Chuckle.
Have you ever tried to dig out blackberry roots by hand? Oh my did my shoulder neck arms hands and fingers ache last night. It was a good ache and I slept so soundly. (which as one of the very lucky people in the world is not unusual for me). It was the sleep of having been doing hard slog! (physical work) I am extremely out of practice in that. I was covered in mud as the soil even after two days of dry weather was very wet.

I must say it was delightful to be able to have lunch on my deck with my two besties in the wonderful sunshine yesterday, listening to the birds, and watching the birds bathe in the bird bath.

I do believe in the power of sunshine and physical exercise as being extremely important for my mental illness. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) along with physical well being. What is really hard for many people to truly understand mental illness along with those physical illnesses that do not have symptoms that can be seen is that those like myself can seem to be fine on the out side and yet be dealing with a lot just to be present out and about.

For example I went to pick up a package today from my little towns post office. I had been and attended to other things in town that morning along with taking the dogs for a walk in town enjoying the sunshine. I was chatting to the staff member and she was assisting me with a problem that had occurred; an item I had received at the post office a few days before had not been in the package. It had been packed but the package had torn. I had struggled to get in touch with Australia Post to see if the item missing had been located. I had spent ages on the phone 16 attempts to get through, which frustrated me. I had also attempted to contact the correct area via the Australia Post website. To be told that oops something went wrong, and to try back in a few minutes. I tried numerous times over the next few hours. Each time having to go through the complete process. Again I was feeling quite annoyed now. The good thing here is I was able to accept the problems as frustrated as I was and just emailed the Federal Government Minister who is in charge of Australia Post as a communication method for Australians, owned by the Government.

I may be seen as a Karen, but I wrote a very honest and factual email of the situation.

So the kind lady at my Post office was helping and contacted the people who bring the mail from the main sorting area in a suburb of Hobart to see if they had found anything. In the middle of this I found myself having a panic attack, sweats, heart palpitations and hands shaking. Oh how I dislike this, but it is much better than uncontrolled anger which has been an issue in the past a symptom of my CPTSD. So thankful for the improvement in my responses, from working with my Psychologist.

What does any of this have to do with the sunshine. I am not totally sure, laugh. I do know of course the importance of vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) a form of depression experienced in winter time when sunshine is very short supply here in Tasmania.

I do not have the answers I just am finding what works for me. Of course it is different for everyone. What I found lovely at the Post Office staff were so kind offering a drink of water. I am not sure but having a panic attack over the fight response is perhaps a more positive? solution. I am still very much a work in practice.

Coming home I filled the bird baths, fed the chooks and went to collect eggs, only to find…. in my veggie garden..

Well I feel relived that Henny is healthy, and well my hope is that they are three hens? What are the chances?

A lovely end to the day.

blessings to You, Tazzie

October 28, 2021 4

Winter End Garden Tour

I have shared about myself and what my life has been like over the past few months living with CPTSD. It seems to me writing here assists me so much. Seeing my thoughts/activities/feelings in print help me see how far I have come in my life with this illness. Learning to live my life accepting how I move through each day no matter how and what is happening in my life and life around me. I am proud of myself that I keep moving forward no matter how minuscule it may be.

Lets look at what is happening in the garden. Here in the Southern Hemisphere we being our Spring Season very soon; the problem tends to be I along with many others feel the days lengthen and see the weeds growing all the new growth everywhere. I feel the urge to sow seeds. I have to hold myself back and wait wait.. which I have been doing, today I intend to plant a few in pots to germinate in side.

Lets go for a walk around my gardens in the last few days of the yearly Winter season.

The first photos are the small garden in front of my home, my chooks have been allowed to free range and they have been turning the soil hunting for bugs and turning the soil. Along with damaging the rhubarb and a little damage to other plants in the small space.
Down the side of the house I have my perfumed geranium which was damaged in the gale force winds we had recently, it looks a bit bedraggled. I would have pruned it myself, the weather having done it for me means one less item on my list for the garden.
The last two photos are of my red wattle tree. I was so sad to see that this young sapling had been badly damaged in the gale wind. I really hope that I can prune it and save this lovely tree.

Where land cleared of blackberries and old wattle trees

Oh look capsicums/peppers left on bush..still going.

One of my plums I have been clearing around and prunning

I feel like I have done very little during winter, yet when I review the photos I have been doing small things. On top of this each day I walk around and pull weeds out of the paddock area.
We have had a very wet few weeks very wet. This has made it more difficult to continue to clear around the fruit trees as the ground is too wet.

The joy of my garden and the hope that I will get seeds in and growing for my own vegetables and food. Rain and colder days are on the agenda for a few more days.

The chooks ahh the chooks sadly I have three roosters, and only five girls. Rupert has been amazing with the chicks but they have all grown up now and I have to attend to reducing the number of roosters, as they will be to much and to mean for the few girls I have. Sadly only one of the female chicks have survived to now. I also lost one of my original hens one of the brown girls. Penny I am not holding out any hope that she is nesting anywhere. My neighbours have also got new hens, and both my neighbour and I have noted that a Sea Eagle has been flying around everyday. This may be part of why my hens have disappeared along with one of the rooster chicks (perhaps not so bad one less for me to attend).

I have been taking my vitamin D as down here we have such low levels of sun over this time of year it is a necessity. It also helps with mood and lessening seasonal affective disorder. (SAD)

It is great to wake up each day, to see how beautiful my garden is looking. I am so thankful to have such a great area to create my space.

I am thankful to those of you who read my posts, blessings to You all. Tazzie

August 26, 2021 2

All things beginning with C.

I think it is Tuesday March 17th, just checked and it is. it is 13:20 on a stunning Autumn day in the Huon Valley my home region in Tasmania. I have taken a while to get a sense of what happened recently the after affects impaired me and I felt no desire to do or be anywhere, to be with anyone, just being with my dogs, chooks and at home is the recovery and medicine I have required. It has taken time, and a lot of management strategies to not sink towards the black hole, it would have been so easy. I work constantly at not going back.

I moved on from beating myself up and began to consider what a really good person I am. Compassionate, to empathetic and kind. Would I change myself NO. No I am me, and I honestly do like me more and more. I am so very very fortunate to be able to be totally myself and still part of such an incredible community. I sigh as I write and know that I am so very very fortunate. I m safe here. What an incredible gift that is.

I look at the horse tail wispy clouds with the blue sky listening to the hum of bees, and flies, the chug of a Aquaculture vessel coming up the river and feel the sun beating on my legs as I watch cabbage moths trying to find unprotected brassicas to lay her eggs on. My dogs are chewing bones near bye. I am aware of the European wasp that has invaded Tassie. As it will seek out any meat left outside as too flies. I know that is why the blowies (blow flies) are zooming about Miss Treacle as she is eating hers. Busby’s is all gone.

A wattle bird just let out a call that is hard to describe and was answered by another. This morning I have let out the chicks and Frida Kahol too free range in the chook run with everyone else. She is an incredible Mamma, I am a bit fearful as I lost two chicks in one fowl swoop to a grey Goshawk two weeks ago. The decision was made by Frida as I had put a fence (I use it on the deck to keep the wallabies off it at night) around their chick house. I had let them out and was tending to the other hens and Roopert when I heard much distressed chirping Frida Kahol had flown the coop! The smallest of the chicks, a bantam I feel as it is a great deal tinier than the others, had managed to get through the bars but the other six chicks were not able to follow their Mamma.

I had to remove the fence and allow nature and Frida to take their chances with the remaining seven chicks. I have noticed that Henny (the darker of my two brown hens her sister is Penny) is broody and I am working hard to ensure that I do not have more chicks this season.

I have also it seems been able to keep all the poultry in the run. I do miss seeing them outside in the paddock, I do not miss the digging up of plants and seeds, and dust bathing hollows they leave in my garden and paddock where I can stumble into them unwittingly.

It is green looking over the river and at parts of my paddock grass, yet here on this side of the river we have had little rain compared to across the river. It is very surreal to be sitting here in March with almost full rain water tanks (from a couple of weeks ago) and green grass. It is normally dry and I ponder if I need to consider buying water.

Am I repeating myself. Maybe its Ok, Pretty normal for me after being triggered.

Life has not stood still even with the emotions and dealing with the aftermath of being triggered. I have shared previously that I have been waiting on being notified of when I will be having a colonoscopy, unlike the USA in Australia you do not automatically have one on turning 50. Here it is only if there is a concern. I was listed in the highest priority case due to symptoms. I had not heard anything and the timeline I should have heard had passed.
There are some things having been an RN helps with, and that is feeling able to contact the appropriate department to inquire. So last week I did phone them to discover my file was in a drawer, and who knows if I had not called when I might have heard. (off course my mind has taken me to dying with colon cancer and all that goes with it in the months I have been waiting). Knowing that Australia has one of the highest rates of colon cancer in the world does not help. Early diagnosis is the best help to survival.
I rang and was rung back the next day first thing in the morning. I am booked in soon. I have recieved all the instructions in the mail, and I feel that the actual preparation will be far worse than the procedure, having worked in colonoscopy as a casual RN I am very aware of what occurs and I am not too concerned about the procedure. My only concerns were with what to do with my dogs.

The thing that is extremely difficult for me with my CPTSD is actually telling people in the first place and then asking for someone to assist me in anyway. I find it almost impossible to ask for help.
At first I thought right I can not bare the thought of telling anyone, and I can not bare the thought of being away from my dogs. I wanted to drive myself there and back both things not supported by the hospital or I imagine my insurance. So I considered a dog friendly B and B for two nights. (My hospital wants you to be with someone overnight after the procedure, as its policy). That is not going to happen. I am not having a general anesthetic, it is a twilight one. While it is not safe enough to drive myself home, I do not need anyone with me overnight.
I did share with someone who has kindly offered to drive me and bring me home. The appointment is made and I will be away from home less than 6 hours all up (proviso that all goes well). My dogs are quite content to be at home as long as they have had a run and used their bowels. So I put logic and fugal me in charge and will be home before and after the procedure.

I am now aware of how much distress was on me with not having any acknowledgement other than the letter advising me I was highest priority a date range that had past and me taking the bull by the horns and following up.
I am so pleased I found the courage to do that. If anyone in Australia is in a similar situation contact the Endoscopy unit and ask them when your procedure will be please.

I have also been accepted for the National Disability Scheme (NDIS), and have a meeting with someone from their in the near future to see what I might need. As my mental illness/s has seen me accepted on the Disability Support Pension (DSP) it means that I can request my psychology appointments be on the NDIS, and that means my Psychologist can bulk bill me. I am not sure how she has been charging me before this, as I have paid nothing to see this wonderful woman.
The veggie garden is doing OK my tomatoes the few I have picked have been delicious, I noted this morning something has taken two green tomatoes and pecked them I am blaming the blackbirds or starlings. I have pumpkins, and a couple of zucchinis. My peppers are fruiting but will they ripen before the cold sets in? Not a cucumber or tomatillo has appeared. I have at some stage to pull up the sweet potatoes. I hold no hope for any this year. I will cut some slips for next year. I have not emptied my last pot of potatoes as they have not flowered yet.
It has been a better year this year for veggies than last year and I learn as I go. I am averaging 3 eggs a day. I will be winter glassing a lot of eggs. To provide me with eggs during the off season. I do not want to burn my girls out with keeping them laying or year. As hens only have as many eggs in their systems as they will lay over the course of their life.

I have not showered in way too long, and will be soon, I have been eating a bit better, and generally getting to bed early. Dogs are walking I am driving. Right now I am really just focusing on the things I need to do for next period of time and as too diet I have to follow instructions nearly every thing I actually eat is not on my menu for next period of time. Clear broths, clear juices, I have minimised my coffee in take already. I have noticed that the preparation fluid for the colonoscopy has aspartame in it sigh I really dislike any artificially sweeteners, but I have no choice. Thankfully I can take my medication.

While I know I am anxious about what is still to occur and the results. Just knowing the date and time it is going to happen is a relief.

blessings to You, Tazzie.

March 17, 2021 3

Carrots a success story

Why are carrots so hard for me to grow? This is my most successful crop so far.
Any help appreciated . They are tasty, and enough for a meal for me. Or a good supply for lilliputians.

Seriously these were just seeds I had spread about in a few pots on my deck. I am assuming that they needed to stay in for a bit longer.

I wanted to revive the pots and sow some more seeds in them. I have been tidying the deck today. My lettuces are doing OK, one variety has gone to seed. But some others are just developing and the cos is growing, I actually ate some of the leaves of one of them recently with my wee tomatoes. Oh were they so tasty. Just incredible.

Above are some beans I threw in my half wine barrels, along with kale cornflowers and weeds. The iris (brown leaves) have been broken up for composting around them. I ate some of the bigger beans as a snack today. Lovely. I am enjoying my surprise barrels. I sit at my table on my deck when I sow seeds, and often for no real reason I just toss some seeds into the barrels. I am very delighted with what is growing at present.
I have kale, silverbeet and a calendula. These are the three pots in the most shaded part of my front west facing garden. Running along the front of the deck.

Marshmellow Black Beauty and Penny enjoying the green shoots of the grass

My idea of keeping the hens and Roopert in their run is failing. Sigh. It has rained and there is green grass shooting. Unheard of in February. Normally our hottest month. More rain forecast this weekend and heavy. Fuller rain tanks nothing will be the joy of this if it eventuates.

Tulle protecting my plums my new faviourite way to keep birds and insects off. and possums

My Deck garden is containers. I am amazed at what I can grow in pots. The benefit is wallabies and possums do not get at them. The chooks can not get at them, or dig under them. Even the starlings and black birds do not tend to get into them like the veggie garden beds. I can cover them easily to prevent cabbage moth damag.

cucumbers fore ground, purple sweet potato middle, potaoes right side, and terracotta coloured pot.

Flowers are becoming a part of my deck garden this year and perhaps more so. In with vegetables they make me smile and happy to see.

Below are my firs attempts at making apricot and peach fruit leathers. There is nothing wrong with the one in the tray it is how apricots dry when no sulpher is used. My peaches were to moist and I should have read up more on what to do but I know next time. (they dripped through) I am not happy with these trays which have not been used a lot. They are cracking. To replace them is not cheap. My dream is to save for a metal set up ie very expensive Excalibur Dehydrator which is also a square one, which is easier to put the puree on and the fruit. The temperature is more evenly spread. The difference in colour of my apricot leather the heat/air in the round ones is not dispersed so well. Lovely with some desiccated coconut. I did add a little sugar but not a lot.

The peach ones are at the front and due to their being so moist they dried very differently. I am trying to dry some hard enough no dry enough that I can then powder the peach. I can then add the powder to tea, and yohgurt. Cream ice cream even my weet-bix. It was simpler than doing a syrup or jam, and I am not a big jam eater. I am enjoying the leathers, and will be buying some seconds strawberries to make strawberry leather too.
I will freeze the plums I think.

The blackberries are ripening and so delicious. I am freezing these for muffins and yoghurt, and winter porridge.

I am thankful for the rain , as I have enough water for my gardens, I am thankful for all the beautiful things in my garden. I am thankful to Mother Earth for her wonders and how a tiny seed can grow and give us food. I am thankful to my hens for the eggs they provide for me and my dogs. I am thankful for my health and the improving of my mental health as I get back to my routine.

February 1, 2021 6

Summertime Veggie and fruit garden

Uncertainty is not a great thing in my life, it does tend to impact my CPTSD. I have not been in my beloved garden a huge amount in the last few weeks, and even so what I had put into it in Springtime is bobbing along slowly this year yet productively without me quite well. So I feel happy about that.

My tomatoes are very late in developing,

Lots of flowers on the first plant. quite a few on the next with some tomatoes forming on both and one tomato and a few fruits on the third.
In this bed I have two eggplant/aubergines I have one flower on one plant.

My peppers and capsicums are varied, the old pepper from last year is doing well, the capsicums are getting flowers and the peppers are I guess settling in.

I have more tomatoes vines in another bed, that does get 8 hours of sunshine but less than the first bed and these are really delayed. I thought they would be, and was just wanting to see if they would grow here.

Photo taken at 16:00 daylight saving time.

Miss Treacle and Busby enjoy being outside too.

Now for some reason I have planted pumpkins and zucchinis, along with the possibility of a cucumber or two in two beds. I lost all bar one label, and I had labelled the seedlings. I only know one variety of pumpkin that is Peter Cundall’s . Peter was a long time presenter on the Australian Broadcasting (ABC TV) Gardening Australia a weekly. If you are interested in knowing more about Australian Gardens and all sorts of things to do with gardening and veggie growing well worth checking out show (which still is running Gardening Australia now hosted by Costa). https://www.abc.net.au/gardening/ Peter hosted the show from 1989-2008 and as a fellow Tasmanian is an incredible gardener, who even now at 82 is enjoying his gardening and good health. He only gave up his weekly radio show a few years ago. His pumpkin variety is great faviourite in the taste test so I am told. Fingers crossed these plants will be much better producers than last years. Oh the memories not a zucchini and one tiny butternut.

Asparagus spears still shoot every so often, and I enjoy picking them and eating them right away. My jostaberries and red currants did well. I harvested very few, between the birds, wallabies possums and my chooks it was their year this year. I was also not up to canning or freezing any of them and realised that I am not a huge fan of the jostaberries. They really are only good stewed, made into a crumble or perhaps a sponge pudding and of course jam.

My blueberries are also being grabbed by by all the critters and again I feel blase about it. I still have a fair few in the freezer. I always have such plans of all I will do with them. I usually harvest them and then often end up not eating them even when frozen. So instead of pushing myself when I have not been firing on all cylinders, I have just accepted for many years of my life I had never tasted a blue berry, a jostaberry or a red currant. If I am being really honest the only one I feel I would plant again are the blue berries.

My peach tree is amazing now that is something I have been enjoying the last couple of days.

As you can see they are a good size this year and once ripe juicy and even a bit green so sweet Love the feeling of the juice running down my chin.
I did eat a few cherries off my trees. It has been a late beginning to the cherry season with the local orchards only opening full time this week.

My red crab apple does not have a lot of fruit on it sadly this year. I do recall there were not a lot of blossoms on it. Added to this the chooks had been dust bathing about its roots. (A job still in process excluding them from my doing this). I have managed to stop them from the espaliered apple by putting bike wheels about the root area.

The chooks had been laying really well and I was very happy to share with my neighbours. Sadly at the moment I am only averaging two eggs a day. I have not located a hidden nest anywhere as yet. I realised I may have been failing them in providing enough food for them. Though when I do provide seed they very rarely eat it all and usually pick the tastiest seeds out first. Grass is a bit in short supply so I have began to supplement their diet with pureed green vegies. They are on a free range 16%seed mix and have access to grubs and all sorts of things as they free range. I will be keeping an eye on them and fingers crossed the girls will be all laying again. Though the two -3 eggs I get are enough for just us. I did have hope to water glass enough for winter.

The Chook run has been slashed finally and the spiky native grass has been cut down. I am not sure the chooks appreciated that and so as their is not a lot of shade in their run at present they are free ranging and love hanging out under the jostaberries and my blackwoods. If they stayed there we would be living in harmony. I can only dream.

My thoughts are with those of you in areas where Covid continues to impact your lives, especially those of you overseas. I am so incredibly fortunate to have been born here in Australia and to live on the island state. where we have had no active cases of this illness for a few weeks now. My thoughts for those of you impacted by the bush fires in Western Australia.

I am thankful that I am coming out of a period of feeling out of control, I am thankful that I am again able to see the beauty of my home, and garden and how very fortunate I am. I am thankful for the clean water, clean air and abundance I have in my life. I am so very thankful for my dogs.

blessing to you. Tazzie

January 6, 2021 5

G’day!

As an Australian I have never ever said G’day mate in my general life. Perhaps for a tourist or mucking about. G’day a form of hello in vernacular Australia.
G’day, good day! G’day, gardening day…so as an Australian living in Tasmania in the southern most council region of Australia. I feel it fits my post today.
A lot has been happening about my little acre. Last summer I was getting frustrated with blackberries wildly growing along one of my boundary fence lines.
My plum trees seen in foreground of first photo below were becoming surrounded by shade and the black berries were heading towards them. A wonderful neighbour and his business partner gave me a quote which seemed huge originally and I needed to think about it. I ended up thinking about how my hazel nuts were impacted last summer too. It was a necessity for harvesting and survival of them. So I agreed. I am so incredibly happy with the result. Light streaming in, and whilst the plum trees are not going to give me plums this year I have hopes for next year. The hazelnuts are incredibly happy! Growing everyday.

The last two photgraphs from my vegetable garden shows the increasre in light and water that can be seen now. It may be an issue that wind will become a big issue now that the blackberries have gone. It will be interesting to see. For hazelnuts to pollinate it is done by the wind so for my trees this will enhance pollination.

The vegetable garden is looking different this year I have put in two new beds. Corrugated iron. I have been making soil for them over Autumn and winter. I have to plant a lot of vegetable seedlings this weekend. Tomatoes, chilies, capsicums(sweet peppers), zucchini, eggplant(aubergine), beans, pumpkins and a heap of others I can not recall at present ..oh cucumbers. My hope is that I will reap more than I did last year. lol. First row of photographs below.

Photos second row above are broad beans that are producing huge amounts and are delicous. The wind has been playing havoc with them as we have had very unusual spring wind coming from a southerly direction..I had not set the beans up for that direction. The last photo is of some of my garlic. I have not planted enough of them I realise, there is always next year. I am sure there will be a lot of local garlic available. In the background of the last photo is one of several foxgloves that self seed each year. This one in the last photo stands over 180cm/6ft.

The marigolds have flowered all year which has been terrific. The fruit trees are fruiting up beautiful peach, cherries sweet and morello, (my newly planted in a pot this winter) plums, apples. The jostaberries, red currants are loaded. Blue currants in the pots loaded, not as many on the two I planted into the ground.

I thought the double grafted (two variety) apple I had planted and am trying to espalier has one side that is loaded with leaves and a few apples. I thought that the other side had died. I was surprised and very happy to see leaves coming out this week. Other apples are doing well.

A busy weekend of planting seedlings and making structures to ensure things will have supports as required.

I am so hopeful for a good year of growing home grown vegetables, fruit and hazel nuts. I have been picking some asparagus, and lettuce, green onions, miners lettuce, I have been able to pick a couple of small cauliflowers. It is a learning curve always.

The wood chips I have been using in the vegetable garden are certainly holding moisture. Which is fantastic for summer. We have just had a 32dC/90dF already this week yet ten days ago the fire was lit. This is part of the reason I have yet to plant seedlings out. Old timers always say do not put tomatoes out until after show day, which is normally about the 17th November. A bit early but they need to go in.

Happy weekend everyone.

blessings to You,

Tazzie